Stella (2012) s05e06 Episode Script

-IVAN: Nadine! -LUKE: You had a heart attack and you didn't think to tell me.
I should have told you.
I just couldn't find the right time.
I just can't imagine you not being here, that's all.
Like I said, you'll get what's fair, but I'm no pushover.
Haven't always been the case though, have it, Mike? You are both of the fire.
What are you talking about, Mother? That this home will see the dawn of two marriages.
(VOCALISING) And then she smiles And my heart starts beating I go weak inside Na na na na na na Na na na (DIGGING) You look like you know what you're doing.
God, don't be creeping up on people like that, you weirdo.
Sorry.
I brought strawberries.
I'll put the kettle on.
-This is nice.
-Yeah.
Michael's little sanctuary.
He's very territorial over it.
I can imagine.
Tea or coffee? Surprise me.
-I'm glad you came over, cos -No.
You don't know what I was gonna say yet.
You're gonna say that you're going to see Luke to talk to him again.
just give him some space.
Look, the other night, he was in shock.
-But if I go there today -You'll end up making it worse.
At least I think you will.
What did Michael say? Not much.
He was on the first train this morning but I think he agreed with -Sorry? -I said I think he agreed with you.
(GRUNTS) Should you be doing that? Why not? Don't know.
-Did the doctor say you could -Use a trowel? Yes.
(CHUCKLES) Have they given you a list of foods you should be eating? Cos diet's very important.
-Yeah, I'll look into it.
-Hmm.
-I know a dietician at the hospital -Stella.
I know what I'm living with, I just don't wanna think about it So, just for now, I'm going to enjoy this.
This bit of weeding, for example.
It's relaxing.
Or it's meant to be.
I still think it's a bad idea.
-Stella.
-Those aren't weeds.
They're herbs.
Oh.
(MOBILE RINGING) (SIGHS) Beyonce, um, can I call you back? I just want you to sort out the money for the baby shower.
I've booked the King's suite at the Belmont, so -The Belmont? -Yeah, it's only 500.
Oh, plus another 200 for the champagne.
-What? -(LAUGHS) I'm only having you on.
Give us 200 and I'll get some cans in.
We promised to pay for essentials, like, uh, nappies and prams and clothes, not baby showers.
-So that's a maybe.
-No! Look, I'm in court tomorrow, and I've got one hell of a day, so we'll talk about this another time.
And do not book the Belmont.
(HUMMING) (SNORING) (SNORING CONTINUES) Right, you! Up and out.
Said you needed a bed and you've had one.
Well, a sofa.
And now it's time to sling your hook.
I want you gone by the end of the day.
Come on, B! -End of the day! -(SIGHS) You on your own, Bobs? (DOOR CLOSES) I take it you're here to talk about what happened on Saturday night? (SNIFFS) To be honest, I'm angry.
I'm angry and disappointed.
I mean, there's no way we should have come second.
You and Ivan are wonderful dancers, but you didn't have the same chemistry as me and Cheryl.
And I never thought I'd say them words.
Ah, so that's why you're angry.
That Scott Quinnell, is quite literally dead to me.
Bobby.
Have you ever done something that you regret? Something that felt right at the time, but afterwards just eats you up like a vulnerable but very beautiful biscuit.
No.
Don't have many regrets, apart from my acid house phase.
If I tell you something, will you promise not to tell anyone? (DOOR OPENS) Bobby, I'm heading to town now, so if you want a lift you better get a wriggle on.
Oh, hiya.
Right, I'll just, um, go and get my things from upstairs.
(SOFTLY) Right, go on, love.
Scott Quinnell was wrong.
You should have won.
(SIGHS) You, Nadine Bevan, are a class act.
And don't let no one tell you no different.
(LAUGHS) Morning.
Matusa Brenda.
Oh, after you with that polish.
You wish to use the polish? Chains of office don't clean themselves and this one do have more fingerprints than New Scotland Yard.
Oh.
This necklace is not appropriate undertaker-wear.
Necklace? This is my Mayoral chain.
And you want to see me stripped of it, what will people think? I do not care what they think.
I tell you what they'd think.
That the Mayor's gone weak.
That a ne'er-do-well husband has come back and dragged her standards and morals into the gutter.
Well, that can't happen.
Not on my watch.
Remove it kindly, please.
It's because I voted against you in the dance competition, isn't it? (SIGHS) Bobby! (DOOR OPENS) All right, all right.
It takes a while to look this good, you know.
Hiya, Stell! -You all right? -Fine, thanks.
You do something different with your hair? Looks lush-like.
What do you want, Beyonce? I spoke to Mike and he was busy, but he said I should sort the money out with you.
-What money? -300 quid for my baby shower.
(LAUGHS) What, he said we'd pay for your baby shower? He wanted me to have at the Belmont, but I said, ''No, Mikey, -''it's too expensive.
'' -Right! We'll just give him a ring, shall we? No, don't bother him beaut.
He's dead busy.
Having hell of a day, he said.
Cos of course, he's in court tomorrow.
Working his socks off, he is.
For this little one.
-Shall we -Yup.
I gotta go.
So, that's a yes, then? No.
That's a definite ''no.
'' (ENGINE STARTING) I know what you mean.
My face is hurting.
Mother had to ask me why I was grinning like an idiot.
-CAROLE: Why don't you just tell her? -Not yet.
She had her heart set on a big Indian wedding.
She'll be fine in time, I'm sure, but she's, like an oil tanker.
It takes her a long time to change direction.
(LAUGHS) OK, fair play.
-What time you picking me up then? -About seven.
I'm going to wine and dine you to within an inch of your life.
Aw.
I know we haven't known each other long, but it feels so right.
Well, it's so complicated, what, with my daughter and your son.
-(WHISPERS INDISTINCTLY) -But we can make this work.
I know we can.
Well, I should let you go, my darling.
Hey, I cannot wait to see you.
(MOUTHING) Thank you.
-(BANGING) -(PRINTER BUZZING) Oh.
(BANGING) There are mourners viewing a body in the chapel of rest.
This is supposed to be a place of calm -And quiet reflection.
-(CONTINUES BANGING) And why are you still wearing that ridiculous chain? Ridiculous? What is this? ''Mayor Aunty Brenda, in conversation.
'' It's a meet-and-greet, with a finger buffet and a paying bar.
-No, this is inacceptable.
-(DOOR OPENING) I know! I'd have loved to have done a free bar, but people just take advantage, so.
Mr and Mrs James, I'm so sorry about the noise.
-(CONTINUES BANGING) -Please, await me in the chapel of rest.
-(BANGING) -It's jammed again! -(CONTINUES BANGING) -Matusa Brenda, you have not what it takes to work in this establishment.
-I request that you leave immediately.
-(GASPS) You don't fire me, mush! I resign Good, then I won't have to pay the wages you were owed.
Then I am fired, but on my own terms.
I shall dedicate my time to my mayoral flock.
They appreciate me more than some around here! Tomorrow night, 7:00 for 7:30.
Smart-casual.
And sorry for your loss.
Ha! Now I'm back from dad's, I was thinking I could help out a bit more.
With money, I mean.
I think I should try and get a job.
-And I know you're gonna say -Good idea You wanna look after us and someone needs to look after the kids, but Did you just say, ''Good idea''? It's not the 1 950s is it? If you wanna get a job, go for it.
I'll cook and take the kids to nursery and that, as long as I can still do fitness class in the evenings.
Of course you can.
You just wanna see me in an apron, don't you? Hiya.
-Hiya, Stell.
You all right? -Yeah, good thanks.
Luke.
Right, well, we gotta go.
Listen.
-About the other night.
-Should have told me sooner.
Your dad wanted to, it's just that it's very See you later.
Luke Morgan, I am talking to you.
We only did what we thought was right.
What, keeping secrets and treating me like a kid? Yeah, well you're acting like a kid now, aren't you? And you know what? You're not the only one who's suffering.
So, drop that face and bloody grow up, will you? (SIGHS) A virus video? A viral video.
It's when you stick a film online and people click on it.
Oh, like your zombie film.
Well, my zombie film is a bit slow burn.
Not as commercial.
-He means nobody watched it.
-(LAUGHS) We're going to film Banjo doing tricks, aren't we, Banjo? -(DOG BARKS) -Banjo can't do any tricks.
That's what I said.
Cerys might be able to teach him.
She's great with him, and he loves it.
CERYS: Aw.
Come on Banjo, come on.
She's not your irritating you so much now then, is it? -(BANJO BARKING) -What? I said you and Cerys.
You seem to be getting on all right.
just making an effort for Little Al.
Of course you are.
-You are so annoying.
-(KISSES) And, as you can see there's plenty of room Uh, seating for up to 300 guests.
Hmm That's a little cosy.
The bride is blessed with a very large family in Bombay.
Very large and very well thought of.
Then you'll be pleased to know that our facilities are second only to the Palace of Versailles.
Oh, Aunty Brenda.
Pontyberry Town Hall have played hosts to royalty, industry, and several well-known snooker players.
I want the best for my son.
Jagadeesh? Getting married? He barely got divorced.
He's a one-man reality show, this one.
But, of course, I will have a look and see when the room is free.
It won't be soon though.
We've got a lot of high-level functions, the Mayor Aunty Brenda charity roast, Mayor Aunty Brenda's business seminar.
Sing-A-Long-A-Aunty Brenda.
Sing-A-Long-A-Mayor Aunty Brenda.
Well, I would appreciate if you could get back to me with some dates as soon as possible.
And I want it to be a surprise.
So, not a word to Jagdeesh.
Discretion is written through me like a stick of Barry Island rock.
(SIGHS) CERYS: OK, got this one? Yeah, ready? OK, Banjo, this is your moment.
Are you turning? Look.
And one, two, three, go! Right.
OK, well, I admit this is not going as well as I'd hoped.
-We can buy some doggy treats.
-He don't like them.
He's dead fussy about food.
Yeah, I can see that.
-(CERYS SIGHS) -Let's just go home.
This is pointless.
Oh, what? No! Oh, don't give up yet.
Let's have another go.
He can't do tricks.
It's too hard.
I knew it, so did Ben.
Why didn't you say something? I don't know.
You seemed so excited and I didn't wanna spoil it.
(SIGHS) Where to has he gone anyway? ALL: Banjo? Banjo! Banjo! CAROLE: I'll probably wait a bit before telling Jamie.
You don't mind, do you? JAGADEESH: No, of course not.
I understand.
He likes you though.
That's a good start.
Well, I like him.
He's a funny lad.
Very confident.
Yeah.
Shy little bugger when I adopted him though.
He'd been with half a dozen foster families, so I was determined to keep him happy.
Give him a stable home, like.
Probably why I've been single so long.
Didn't want some random bloke flitting in and out of our lives.
But now, well This feels a bit different.
Now, isn't that a pretty picture.
Yes, the eyelash has gone now, Carole.
Oh, you two make a lovely couple.
No wonder your mother is so happy about it.
-You have spoken to my mother? -(GASPS) I'm not supposed to say nothing.
But, a mayor is like a priest.
It will go no further.
Let's just say, it's looking good for Easter, slash, summer 2017.
Sorry, what is? Your wedding, of course.
She came in today to book it.
(GASPS) Anyway, I'll say no more.
Shh.
(WHISPERING) Congratulations.
Shh.
(LAUGHS) Thank you.
Oh, my God.
How did my mother find out? I don't know.
But she's taking it pretty well, mind.
Carole, please be assured, I do not wish to marry you.
Oh, thanks very much.
Sorry, I mean, not yet.
Maybe we should just get married.
Get it all over and done with.
I'm free at the weekend.
You are pretty easy to wind up.
(LAUGHS) You got me.
You got me.
Oh, my favourite uncle.
-My favourite niece.
-(LAUGHS) Do you want a lift? I'm parked just over there.
Aye, you drive, I'll drink.
Hmm.
You all right? just meeting an old friend later on.
Hey, I was thinking about catching up with your bairns before I go.
Didn't get a proper chance to say hello to Luke and Emma.
Oh, Emma's still in India, presh.
And Luke's, um, well, it's complicated.
Families, eh? Last time I saw Luke, he would have been this high.
Cynthia's wedding, it was.
Remember Cynthia? -BOTH: The one with the face.
-(LAUGHS) There are lot of kids getting me to do magic tricks.
-Oh, the one with the coin.
-That's the one.
All the other wee ones were loving it.
I'd pull a 1 0p from behind their ear and they'd run off, but Luke, he just stood there.
Getting me to do it again and again, till he knew how I did it.
Mmm.
Stubborn wee sod.
Nothing changes.
Kids, they are a worry for life, right? What's that? Oh! You still got it.
I need that back actually.
(CAR HONKING) -Banjo! -Banjo! -BEN: Banjo, wait up.
-CERYS: Banjo.
(BANJO PANTING) -BEN: Banjo! -CERYS: Banjo.
(CAR HONKING) (HONKING) (CYCLE BELL RINGING) (GRUNTS) (TYRES SCREECHING) -Ah! -(BANJO WHIMPERS) And then a hero comes along With the strength to carry on That was amazing! (EECLAIMS) (CROWD CHEERING) Guess who got it all on film? Oh, you beauty! (GROANS) (GASPS) Look inside you and be strong And you'll finally see the truth That a hero lies in you And it's uploaded.
Try it and see.
BEN: Banjo.
-Banjo, wait up! -Banjo.
How many views? One.
But that was us.
How many now? Could you be any more impatient? All right, fine, I'll wait.
-How about now? -Oh, my God.
Mind the face.
Calm down.
Stop.
A hundred-and-twelve views.
Get in.
(ALL EECLAIMING) -(TYRES SCREECHING) -(BOTH LAUGH) (LAUGHING) (TYRES SCREECHING) (LAUGHS) (SLAMS SHUT) I'll be off then.
Probably find a hostel, or maybe kip on a bench.
Did you hear the thing about the wee dog? In passing.
Oh, I nearly forgot.
Some journalist bloke from the local paper rang.
Wanted to do a piece on you and me.
Something about the lady mayor being married to a hero.
But I said no.
What? Why'd you say no? Because I'm moving on.
You can stay till the end of the week.
KARL: Dear love of my life, I saw this toy in the gift shop at the oil rig.
And I got it for little Genevieve.
They don't have much in the gift shops on oil rigs.
just miniature oil rigs.
And hard hats, which I hope you'll find some use for.
I miss you both so much.
And can't wait to hear everything you've been up to.
Yours forever and ever, and even longer than that, Karl.
jack, you're meant to eat them, mate, not drop them on the floor.
(BABY GURGLING) -(MOBILE RINGING) -(BABY BABBLING) -Michael.
-Time for a quick chat? Uh, yeah.
I'm in the middle of breakfast.
It's not about mam, is it? I know you're angry but, please, just hear me out.
-Go on, then.
-There's a mate of mine from uni.
A few years ago, he fell out with his dad.
Proper shouting and screaming match.
Yeah, don't tell me.
The dad died, and now your mate has to live with the regret.
Look, of course I'm going to talk to dad again and mam, just when I'm ready.
That's all.
And what about their feelings, hmm? -Your dad's ill and your mum -Told you to call me.
You can be a smartass if you want, but you're the one losing out.
-Michael -And no, my friend's father didn't die, they just never spoke again.
Life's too short, don't you think? Look, I've gotta go.
Speak soon.
-Morning.
-Morning.
A 17-tiered cake, -layered with exotic fruits.
-(DOOR OPENS) With the bride and groom, carved from ivory.
Mother? Oh.
Yes, my darling boy.
I spoke to Aunty Brenda yesterday.
And she congratulated me on my forthcoming nuptials.
-That woman! -So, it's true then? Yes, it's true.
And you approve? It's the best thing that's happened to this family since your father died.
I'm so glad that you, um, feel that way.
But, a wedding, that's a long way off.
As you wish, but why don't we have a meal tonight? -just the three of us.
-Tonight? I know she lives a long way off, but Not really.
-And I'll pick her up obviously.
-What a gentleman.
Oh, you make me so proud! (LAUGHS) I trust there will be no badness of blood between you and I, Stella? Of course not.
Aunty Brenda can be, what's the word? BOTH: Very challenging.
Oh, on me.
No badness of blood.
-Here we come! -(ALL CHEERING) Let's get this party started! -(LAUGHING) -(CHEERING) Aunty Rhian wins some cash on the bingo.
All the sixes.
-Cockety cock.
-(GIRLS LAUGH) I thought, ''Well, if I'm going to have a baby shower, ''I want Stella to be a part of it.
'' So, here we are.
So, let's have it, Stell.
-Anything in particular? -Sex on the beach.
-Times 10.
-(GIRLS LAUGH) And a lime and soda for me, no ice.
Bring 'em off when they're ready on a tray, with some crisps.
-Thanks, Stell.
-(GIRLS CHUCKLE) Oh, chief, I do hope you're the bastard stripper.
(SMACKS) Sorry.
-(POPPING) -(ALL LAUGHING AND CHEERING) Properly shat himself then, didn't he? -Nadine Bevan.
-Ivan Schlosh.
-Schloss.
-Schloss.
-You are well? -Yes.
I got baby club now.
Baby club every Tuesday afternoon, see.
It's a club.
For babies.
On Tuesday's.
Right, well, I take my leave.
Ivan? So, it's just a little piece about Clem saving the dog.
Little piece? Half a page or so.
Sounds right enough.
(CLEARS THROAT).
What part of, ''Lady Mayor's husband risks his life ''to save a puppy,'' didn't you hear? That's a double-page spread right there.
Oh, we were thinking it was more of a small, feel-good story.
Let me tell you a feel-good story.
It concerns a woman with a vision, a woman who gave up her career in the funeral business, so she could serve the people of Pontyberry.
You mean, you.
Now, if you're sitting comfortably, then I'll begin.
(WOMEN LAUGHING LOUDLY) Hiya.
You might wanna go somewhere quieter.
Like an airport.
-BEYONCE: Service! -No, I need a drink.
Been looking all over town for a job.
Didn't think I could waltz right in, but there's literally nothing.
Hey! I'll tell you who might be taking on.
Ivan.
-Schlosh? -Schloss.
At the funeral parlour.
-Serious? -Yeah.
Go and see him.
We're gasping over here.
If nothing else, you might at least be able to hear yourself think.
-RHIAN: Open it.
-BEYONCE: I'm opening! Open it! BOTH: Aw! (LAUGHING) That's all you'll be wearing from now on, love.
-There's no going back.
-I've seen smaller duvet covers.
Aw, this bloody heartburn.
-Too many bokey smacon crisps.
-Oh, God! You all right? No, bloody wrecks, it does.
-It's not cockin' labour, is it? -What? It'd better bastard not be.
I've still got a fortnight to go.
It's probably nothing, but you should get yourself up the hospital, -and get yourself checked.
-Book us an ambulance, then.
You don't need an ambulance.
Well, how am I supposed to get there? Not having none of this lot drive me.
(GROANING) Oh! (CONTINUES DRAMATIC GROANING) Aw, kills, it does.
I think you better call Mike.
-Why? -He's gotta be here for the birth.
Beyonce, you're not giving birth.
It's Braxton Hicks or indigestion.
I wanna call Mikey.
(MOBILE RINGING) -Hello.
-BEYONCE: It's coming, Mike.
-It's coming.
-STELLA: No, it's not.
-Say again? -Our baby is coming.
Fuck! -Everything OK? -Yeah, I'm just, uh, hang on.
-Michael? -Mike! Michael.
-Stella, what's going on? -Everything's fine.
She's not giving birth, she's just being a drama queen.
I'm not being a fucking drama queen.
STELLA: I'm taking her up for a check-up.
I'll let you know if anything happens.
You just concentrate on your case.
-You sure? -Yes, I am.
-Go, get 'em, Tiger.
-Go, get 'em, Tiger! Right.
Ready when you are.
And that is why they do call it, ''The Mayor Aunty Brenda feel-good factor.
'' I do bring smiles to people's faces.
Great, well, I'm sure that'll be a wonderful story.
A wonderful story without a photo? Uh, I'm afraid I don't have my camera with me.
(CLEARS THROAT) Um, maybe one of these will help.
just a few stills I've kept through the years.
Close to my heart.
That's our wedding day.
My old band played the wedding march.
Rocking day that was.
CLEM: That's us at Brighton Pier.
And that's us with our first car.
Our little Capri.
Broken heater.
CLEM: We had to generate our own warmth.
Oh.
Do you mind if I borrow these? We need more than half a page though, good boy.
Oh, uh, I'm sure you'll get that.
(BEYONCE GROANS) (NURSE WHISPERS) Sorry.
just a final rummage.
And, out we pop! The good news is you're not in labour just yet.
See, I told you.
just a little bout of Braxton Hicks.
Yeah, yeah.
I thought it might be, but she insisted I come here.
-(MOBILE RINGS) -In the middle of a party I was, and she drags me away.
I told you it was a waste of time.
She's a nurse, you know, or supposed to be.
Ugh, no signal, great.
Right, come on, you.
(DOOR OPENS) (MOBILE RINGING) (RINGING) -Oh, come on, pick up.
-I'm hungry.
This is Rob Morgan.
Please leave a message.
-Hi, Rob.
Can you call me -Can you stop at the garage.
-I need Revels, I do.
Family bag.
-Can you shut up? It's the least you can do.
-Who you ringing? -(DIAL TONE) A friend.
-He's not very well.
-(RINGING) I hope you're more sympathetic to him than you are to me.
Actually, I am, because unlike you, he's genuinely ill.
-So am I.
-You're pregnant.
He has got a serious heart condition.
This is Rob Morgan.
Please leave a message.
-And he's still not picking up.
-Oh, so you're thinking, what? He's lying there? Can't get to the phone.
Calling, ''Stella.
'' (MOCKINGLY SOBS) ''Stella, only you can save me.
'' Oh, shut up! You do hear about it.
People lying there for days.
No one coming for days and days.
Sometimes they're just Right.
-BEYONCE: Where we going? -(TYRES SCREECHING) It won't be long.
Ask him if he's got any biscuits or a Pot Noodle or something.
Oh, have some mints.
-Tide you over.
-(SIGHS) I hate mints, they repeat on me.
(BIRDS CHIRPING) (ROB LAUGHING) Hiya.
-Hi.
-I've been ringing.
I did knock.
Sorry, we were miles away.
Take a pew.
No, I can't stop long.
just wanted to make sure you're all right.
Why wouldn't I be? Rob.
It's OK.
Luke's in the picture now.
About the test results.
About everything.
How do you feel about it? I don't know.
Look, just because it's serious, it doesn't mean I'm gonna pop my clogs any minute.
It just means that my heart could pack up at some point.
Maybe years from now.
Maybe never.
You could be with us another 20, 30 years.
-40.
-Yeah, all right you're not that young.
(LAUGHS) We've just gotta look after him, that's all.
Make sure he doesn't do nothing stupid.
-Like, boxing? -LUKE: Exactly.
Should take up crown green bowling.
-Or dominoes.
-Oi.
-Eating the right stuff.
-Yeah.
I said that.
You should listen to her.
Very wise old woman, my mam.
Oi, you.
I gotta pick the kids up from playgroup.
-See you tomorrow, yeah? -Oh, you'll see me.
-See you, love.
-So long.
You thought I'd had another restaurant moment, didn't you? No, I just thought you were ignoring me.
Never.
(CAR HONKING) That'll be my passenger.
-Taxiing now, are we? -(SIGHS) Long story.
(CAR HORN BLOWING) -STELLA: So long.
-Ta-ta.
(HONKING CONTINUES) Oh, God, it's coming! (GASPS) You have gotta get a grip, my girl.
-You heard what the midwife said.
-My waters have broken! -Ah! -Oh.
Rob! (YELLS) Ambulance on it's way.
(GROANING) I want to go to the hospital! Get off me! We're just getting you comfortable till the ambulance is here.
(GROANING) I need oxygen and drugs and I need Mike.
I'm not giving birth on a rug! -You won't get up them stairs.
-(GROANS) -This baby's nearly out! -Breathe.
Slowly.
-That's it.
Easy does it.
-All right, all right.
(BREATHES HEAVILY) -ROB: That's it.
-(BREATHING HEAVILY) Ah! Michael, it's me.
You know I said I'd let you know if something started happening.
-Well, it started happening.
-(GROANS LOUDLY) -Let's have a look.
-No, get someone proper.
I need someone proper.
She knows what she's doing.
Don't you, Stella? Well, I've had three of my own, that must count for something.
Oh, and I did a maternity module last term.
-(BEYONCE PANTING) -I got a B+.
(MOANING) Should I put on some music? I've got a radio.
Would that help? Uh, maybe get some hot towels and water.
Right.
Absolutely.
Hot towels? I'm not having him shave my bits.
A midwife once told me it gives the blokes something to do.
Makes them feel useful.
(EECLAIMS) Oh, God, I need to push.
-Oh.
(PANTING) -Right.
Deep breaths.
-(PANTING) -Deep breaths and now push.
Really deep into your bottom, as hard as you can.
I'm pushing.
Oh, I'm pushing.
I'm pushing from my arse! (ECHOES) (FLAMENCO GUITAR MUSIC) I know what you're thinking.
But, you're wrong.
It was a moment of madness with that Ivan Schlosh.
-It was just a kiss.
-(GURGLES) Didn't mean nothing.
And nothing is going to happen.
Ever, no way.
Which is why I can look at that trophy with my head held high.
(EEHALES) (CASTANETS) (BEYONCE GROANING LOUDLY) Come on, come on.
(BABY CRYING) (CRYING CONTINUES) STELLA: It's a boy.
They was right then, with the scan.
Yeah, they were.
Part of me was hoping they were wrong.
Cos I know what to do with girls.
You can't go wrong with girls and we got loads of girls in our family, but now he's here, I'm really glad he's a boy.
(CRYING) Oh, Christ, he's beautiful.
Isn't he, Stell? (CRYING) ROB: It's all right.
Got the towels.
(SOBBING AND LAUGHING) -MICHAEL: Hey! -(ALL CHEERING) -WOMAN: Well done.
-MAN: (SPEAKS FOREIGN LANGUAGE) Thank you.
Not that I didn't think we'd win, of course.
Never in doubt.
-(SPEAKS FOREIGN LANGUAGE) -(MICHAEL REPEATS) -Cheers.
-(GLASSES CLINK) (MOBILE CHIMES) -(PHONE VIBRATES) -Excuse me.
(CLEARS THROAT) RECORDING: You have one new voicemail.
STELLA: Michael, it's me.
You know I said I'll let you know if something started happening? Well, it started happening.
IVAN: Have you experience of relevant undertaking? Well, I went to my Nana's funeral.
Does that count? No.
When we think about death, how should we feel? -Sad? -No.
What's the cheapest type of coffin wood? -Pine? -(LAUGHS) No.
When embalming a dead body -Ivan -Ivan.
Ivan.
I'm sure I won't know that either but I'm desperate.
I'll do anything.
I'm a hard worker.
I learn quickly and I'll do any hours that you want, but please, just give me a chance.
Can you fix a Vex Print E400, inkjet printer? -I think so.
-Oh.
We used to have a similar one at the office where I was a temp.
It was always jamming.
The manual of printing is a foreign language to me.
Yeah, they dead confusing.
-No, I meant literally.
It's in Korean.
-Oh.
-(PRINTER WHIRRING) -Oh.
(LAUGHS) Welcome aboard.
STELLA: I'll follow you in the car.
I won't be far behind.
-Promise? -I promise.
Thank you.
(DOOR CLOSES) You did amazing, you know.
-I know.
-(CHUCKLES) ROB: I'm serious.
You just single-handedly delivered a baby.
A baby of the woman who had an affair with your boyfriend.
It wasn't an affair.
It was a temporary loss of sanity.
You're a saint, Stella Morris.
-Haven't always been, Rob Morgan.
-(CHUCKLES) Hmm.
Christ, remember when Emma had Abra? -Only just got her there in time.
-Very dramatic.
She was off her head, bless her.
On gas and air.
And Sunny turned up like a lost soul.
(SIGHS) Couldn't believe he was a dad.
And then Sean hit me.
Oh, yeah.
Because I kissed you.
I think I kissed you, actually.
I certainly kissed you back.
This bit now, Rob.
This is quite awkward.
I know.
-Fuck! What are we doing? -Stella.
No, this is all wrong and I gotta get to the hospital.
Um, have you tablets? -Are you on tablets? I forgot to ask.
-You're getting worked up.
-Nothing happened.
-I know.
(PANTING) Take your medicine, um, get some rest.
Don't start avoiding me now and being all weird because it really was nothing.
I know.
I'll see myself out.
Stay in the dry.
There's a rain forecast apparently.
(DOOR OPENS) And of course, life as mayor is not always a bed of rosé.
I've had to make sacrifices along the way.
Most days I miss Countdown.
But, you know what? I wouldn't be able to do all that I do, without my rock.
Clem.
Always by my side.
Next question.
Ah, yeah, the lady near the back with the cheap knitwear.
Mayor Aunty Brenda? Perhaps you can tell us a little bit about today's article in the paper.
Well, I've been too busy serving my people to have seen the article, but I'm hoping it was a double-page spread.
Better than that.
You're on the front page.
(ALL MURMURING) (GASPS) (EECLAIMS) I have no choice but to suspend you as mayor of Pontyberry, pending a formal investigation into questions of wrong-doing.
Have you anything to say? (SOBS) (STAMMERING) That will be taken into account.
-Your chain of office, please.
-(CRYING) The chain, Aunty Brenda.
(CRYING) (SOBBING) Oh, it's all right, Carole.
No cleaning needed here.
Everything is spick and span.
JAGADEESH: Mother, Carole is Not needed.
Where is my future daughter-in-law? -Freshening up? -Freshening up? Well, she's come a long way.
Nina, there's obviously been some kind of a mix up.
But what Jagadeesh was trying to say is that him and me are -Me and him are -Yes? Carole and I are dating.
We're stepping out.
We are sweethearts.
-What? -JAGADEESH: I don't know who you thought I was bringing to dinner, but, actually who did you think I was bringing to dinner? You know what, never mind.
It doesn't matter.
-Carole is coming to dinner.
-(GASPS) Now what's for starters? (PHONE RINGING) (RINGING) ANSWERING MACHINE: Sorry, but we ain't here.
Leave a message and keep it real.
(BEEP) Um, hi, it's me, Paula.
Hope you're OK.
So, the reason I'm calling is, it's Daddy.
He died last night, and Oh, God, I don't know what else to say.
Call me when you can, love.
-Bye.
-(BEEP) (WHIMPERING) Shh.
It's water.
You can pretend it's champagne.
Oh, thank you.
(DOOR OPENS) Hello.
Hello.
Time to meet your daddy, baby j.
(LAUGHS) -Stella delivered him, she did.
-Did you? Well, don't look so surprised.
All in a day's work for Nurse Morris.
Isn't it, Stell? Thank you.
MICHAEL: Can I? -Yeah.
-Give me those.
-Oh, there we are.
-Hello, little lad.
(LAUGHS) He's cute, isn't he? He's gorgeous.
And you, are you all right? Yeah, um A bit sore in the underground parking, like, but no, I'm OK.
Thanks for asking.
Hello.
BEYONCE: Aw.
-He's got your nose, mind.
-Do you think? Yeah, he looks like his dad, doesn't he, Stell? Definitely.
Oh, by the way, I'm gonna call him Jackson.
Oh, right.
Jackson Evans.
Yeah.
It's nice.
No, he's having your surname.
You're his dad.
But that'll make him Jackson Jackson.
(LAUGHS) -BEYONCE: I know, it's cool, right? -(BOTH LAUGHING) (BEYONCE AND MICHAEL CHUCKLING) What you think, Stell? Yeah, why not.
MICHAEL: Jackson Jackson.
Actually it's growing on me.
Wouldn't have been my first choice but, uh Right, stop hogging him, Mike.
Let Stella have a go.
No, you are right.
You carry on.
Hmm, Jackson.
(LAUGHS).
And, is he feeding? Yes? BEYONCE: Yeah, he's been fine.
He's really hungry.
BEYONCE: (LAUGHS) All the time.
MICHAEL: He's looks bit strong, doesn't he? BEYONCE: I know, he is.
He's a big boy, aren't you? (BABY CRYING) The funereal legend that was Daddy Simpson have died.
You are as beautiful to me now as you were at 16, Stella Morris.
You can't take Jackson to Magaluf.
He's only two weeks old.
I know.
That's why you're having him.
Beyonce.
You're on.
YANTO: Bloody hell, that's Robert Plant.