Still Open All Hours (2013) s05e06 Episode Script

- A tin of brown shoe polish, please.
- Right.
I, er I don't suppose you carry hair restorer.
Well, technically, no, but we do have alternatives.
Right, in that case, I'll just take a tin of brown shoe polish, then.
What, for growing hair? - For my shoes.
- For your shoes.
You had me going there for a minute.
Cos I thought you were going, you know, and Right, I'll just go and get a tin, meanwhile I'll leave you to look at the label on this pack of almond slices.
Thank you very much, yes.
Will that be the light tan or the dark tan, sir? Cos I always think, if you're in doubt, why don't you take one of each? Dark.
And the light tan for the lady of the house? - You know, to surprise her? - She would be.
Plus she'd think, "What's he covering up?" OK, thank you very much, sir.
Here we go.
There you are.
- Now, is there anything else? - No, thank you.
One tin, dark tan.
- That's me done.
- Right.
One tin, dark tan, no almond slices.
Correct, no almond slices.
And I respect that decision, sir, though I am wondering if perhaps, you, er, you know, you haven't heard.
- Heard? - Well, perhaps it's just a coincidence.
Heard-heard what-what coincidence? Well, I have this regular, right, almond slice customer, and he swears that they work, but I just think his hair would have grown back naturally anyway.
This till is ill.
I've been telling you that for years.
No, this is new.
It's caught something.
Yeah.
It's hot.
It's got a temperature.
It's you that's going delirious.
Lets just check to see whether it works properly, then, shall we? All right? Can hardly drag itself back.
'eck.
Here we go, here we go.
It's all right.
OK.
Soon have you back to normal.
Just tuck yourself up in this for a while.
Morning.
Right, what am I having for breakfast that you want to get rid of? Why is he strangling that till? It mustn't catch a chill.
My Auntie Flory got taken by a chill.
Don't come in here with your tales of gloom, will you? One minute she were there, then she were gone to Bridlington, where she picked up this bug.
He said he were Brazilian, but I reckon he came from Hull.
Any road, what's that old ice cream van doing outside? What can we be getting you this morning, Gastric? - The full English.
- Right, the full English.
Put his money in this tin, will you, Leroy.
I'm letting the till have a lie in.
Ready? Ta-da.
- Well, what do you think? - I'll have a choc-ice.
No, come on, what do you think? Going to do her up and sell from her.
What, ice cream? Anything.
And we can use her for deliveries.
Leroy, you know that I trust you, and we've always been close, but I must ask you where did you get the money? - Yeah, I've got some money.
- Not from me you didn't.
Certainly not from you.
It'll all be yours one day.
Yes, and I decided not to wait, all right? Look, I've been buying and selling stuff on the internet, and she wasn't all that expensive.
I hope not.
I hope that you have not been ripped off.
Ripped off.
Had a good tutor, hadn't I? Well I say we gave up too early on that macho thing.
We didn't do it right.
We lacked macho plausibility.
Aye, you know why? We're a bunch of pussies.
Is that fair? It has plausibility.
All right, maybe I'm being a bit harsh.
You are.
We're the guys who set off to cycle round Britain.
Aye, and we fell off at Rotherham.
We only did 12 miles.
You were navigating.
We shouldn't have been anywhere near Rotherham.
It were windy.
The map were in me face.
You think that's a problem? I've got Mrs Featherstone in my face.
We need to get back in the saddle.
I made up me mind.
Nothing is going to shake my determination.
If that's all right with the both of you.
Here we go.
We'll soon have you snapping back again.
Granville? Hello, Mavis.
Hello, Granville.
I thought you weren't speaking to me.
What, you? No, never.
I thought maybe it was something I'd said.
You know me.
Sometimes, before my brain gets there, things have slipped out.
I've got shirts like that.
If you're busy, if you've got something on your mind, I can come back.
No, no, no, please, no.
You stay, I need you.
No, it's not you, it's me.
I'm having a bad-surprise day, that's all.
I mean, the till has got something nasty, and Leroy's gone and bought himself a van.
Bought a van? Is that bad? Well, I mean, it's not like he's offering customers discount.
No, no.
He never said a word.
I wasn't even consulted.
You realise they're growing away from you.
Shows initiative.
I'm the one that's supposed to show initiative, though, aren't I, around here.
Well, you always have with me.
I'm hoping that that's not going to stop.
- Fish and chips tonight.
- Wear something nice.
Hey, what's this I hear about your Leroy buying a Out.
Out.
- Out? - That way.
Let him come in.
All right.
You heard what the lady said, come in.
That's more exercise than I've had all week.
Go look at some books.
Try to at least look like a customer.
I'm being asked to stop you coming here.
But this is where you are.
If I go somewhere else, you're not going to be there.
Pick up a book, open a book, look intelligent.
Well, try.
- Have you found someone for Ruby? - Working on several possibilities.
- Work faster.
- Can I pick you up for lunch? Not in that Chinese thing.
On four wheels, in my new vehicle.
Bet it's not an Audi.
Gerald's got an Audi.
Bet he doesn't have a built-in fridge.
Go.
And don't come here again this week.
They're watching.
Can I get you anything else, Mrs Rossi? You can tell me what they're saying about me, Granville.
- I know they talk about me.
- They talk about everybody.
I tell you, it's disgusting.
It makes my life much more interesting.
You marry one Italian, they never let it go.
How did you meet him? It was my first time in Padua.
I only went for the frescos.
I know, I like their ice cream as well.
Two cars just bumped in Bramwell Street.
You should have heard the language.
I'm surprised they get insurance.
Well, if you can handle three husbands in standard English, there's no need for any more.
You've just got to close your ears and think of the old days.
- Cheers.
- Cheers.
I think Granville will soon be learning Italian.
Mrs Rossi, in the shop, again? He's not equipped for anything not home-grown.
She is home-grown.
She was born here.
- Well, not around here.
- Well, Harrogate.
I mean, I'm not recommending it, but it still counts.
What do you care anyway? Well, I think it should be of concern to all of us, if you don't want your local shop going all Roman orgy.
Well, does it look like it's going all Roman orgy? He's already got spaghetti in.
- He's always had spaghetti in.
- Yes, but nobody ever bought it.
Well I Sorry to keep you waiting.
Get Ruby to the park.
3 o'clock.
You've aged since I last saw you.
Be kind to your elders.
You've got sharp teeth for a vegan.
What's happening at the park? I've got three guys who are hopefully interested in a date with Ruby.
You can't tempt her with one, she's not going to want three.
They just want to get a look at her, and hopefully one of them might join us for a meal tonight with Ruby.
Well, she won't put herself on display for your cronies.
She won't know.
I've arranged it that way.
Just get her to the park.
Watch the paintwork.
And take those machines outside.
Unattended? Would you separate a man from his machine? And what are you dressed in that rig for? The Tour de Yorkshire's passing today.
Don't tell me you two If people jump to conclusions, it's hardly our fault.
Did we say we were riding the Tour de Yorkshire? Excuse me, could we have your autographs, please? There's no need to get cynical.
You do know you have to have muscles like steel? Yeah, well, we once fell off at Rotherham.
They used to make steel.
It's connected, you see.
It's a wonderful world.
Everything's linked.
So, I catch my Eric coming out of the bathroom in full Lycra, cycling helmet and a big number on his back.
- Which number? - I don't care which number.
It's, why any number? What's he doing with a number on his back? - Maybe he's racing.
- In the bathroom? Why has he got full Lycra and a cycling helmet coming out the bathroom? So I asked him.
- What did he say? - He said, "Have you seen me speedometer?" Well, I'm looking at him, full skin-tight Lycra, and I'm thinking, "Where's he going to put a speedometer?" You know the Tour de Yorkshire will be passing through, not far away? - My Eric in the Tour de Yorkshire? - Well, did you ask him? No, you don't ask Eric for details.
He has these, erm, fantasies.
But suppose he wins.
It's only me.
Are you decent? There you are.
Have you been drinking too much? - I haven't touched it yet.
- Get me one.
I need it.
How are you with strange women? I seem to be getting lots of practice.
I believe that our local shop is under threat.
I'm sorry to hear that, it has a certain antiquated charm.
Well, I intend to fight that threat.
I'll join you in that.
Good.
Now, her name is Mrs Rossi, and I want you to find out what she's up to.
But I don't know the woman.
Well, get to know her.
Show her your smooth side, be charming, sweep her off her feet like you did me.
Or one foot anyway.
Delphine, I wouldn't know where to start.
Well, I'll give you a shove, but remember, it is only the start.
I don't want you anywhere near the finishing line.
Look, just come and sit down and relax.
Why why why you fussing me? You see something ain't right? Was it the eye that gave it away? No, I'm moments away from a heart attack, right? - Look, you can tell me, I'm strong.
- No, it's all right.
No, sit down.
What you've got is something very simple, - and it's, well, very curable.
- You think? Yes.
Trust me, I've done this many times before.
- But will it hurt? - No, no, and you'll get instant relief.
There you are.
Blow this up, will you? Give it a good puff.
You'll feel better.
How far do I blow it? Until you've got rid of the obstruction.
What obstruction? Well, you've got what we call, erm, buyer's block.
You see, I've offered you three bargains and you haven't bought a thing.
But I wasn't interested.
Yes, you've got what we call in the trade, commercial congestion.
Commercial congestion? You know, I knew there was something wrong.
I told my wife.
It's a good job we found it early, isn't it? Right.
OK, now, go and give that a good blow.
That's it, keep going.
That's it.
Just a bit dizzy.
Yeah, no, that's good, that's a good sign.
Good sign? You think it worked? Well, let's see, shall we? Put it to the test.
We'll see if you're unblocked.
Right.
Would you like to buy these for the lady of the house? Don't look at me.
No, no, no.
I'm not helping you any further.
You're on your own now.
- I'll take them.
- Good.
Inside that van there are three suitable males waiting to get a look at Ruby.
That's sneaky.
You're going to grow up to be a really tricky person.
What happens when Ruby comes? Well, the one who fancies her the most, he's going to come out the van and then me and you are going to get them together.
- You had to wear the hard hat? - I forgot it was on.
Do you wear it in bed? Well, that's not something you're ever likely to find out, is it? - That is the nicest thing she's ever said to me.
- Take it off.
- Show your golden curls.
- I was going to take it off anyway.
I can't just barge in and intrude on Mrs Rossi.
Well, just stand within reach.
Her type will pick you up on radar.
Do we know that she even comes in to the library? I'm told every day.
She's probably studying advanced grocery.
Whatever she's doing, it's not really any of our business.
Although I know that's never much of a disincentive.
Well, I don't care, personally.
It's the effect on the shop that worries me.
He never changes the shop.
It's part museum.
Don't fight me on this, Newbold.
Do you really want to see it go from boiled ham to pollo alle crema? There she goes.
Looks like she's studying restoring old furniture.
Look at that walk.
Does that say "old furniture"? To me that says, "mambo Italiano".
See? So, once they've passed through, we'll join in on the end.
Word will get back, we'll get points for trying.
- It's not like winning.
- No, it's not like winning.
But at least we will have failed magnificently.
You can't just walk up to the woman, she'll think you're a sex pest.
On the other hand, you'd better walk up to the woman, cos the one waiting outside is she who accepts no excuses.
What do I say? "Don't be afraid, Mrs Rossi.
Look, no hands.
" Er, Mr Newbold, isn't it? - Yes.
- I've seen you with Mrs Featherstone.
Inevitably.
Is that how it feels? No, no, I wouldn't say You guessed.
What are you reading? Fifty Shades Of No.
No, no, I didn't realise.
It was the first I just reached for It's not Fifty Shades.
It's actually A Field Guide to British Fungi.
Well, thank heavens for that.
Don't you do it, just don't.
Get off.
Can you do anything with this? - What effect are you after? - Human.
Shut up.
She hates it enough already.
She's going on a blind date, just as soon as we can find someone.
- I bet he's foul.
- He won't be foul, will he? He will.
No, of course he won't be foul.
Just brave.
I went on one of those blind dates.
Finished up paying.
Said he'd left his wallet at home.
That sounds like him.
You've got good bone structure.
I'm going to give you the works.
Hey, what do you think of that? Just remember, it's all got to go back under a hard hat in the morning.
Hello, hello.
Who's feeling better, then? Right.
Welcome back.
I don't think you'll need this any more.
Lets just check that you've got your old snap back, shall we? All right, wait a minute.
Yes.
Ready? Yeah.
Welcome back, thou kind and loving till.
Yes.
Good day to you, Mr Newbold.
Mr Newbold? Attractive woman.
Very pleasant.
I knew you'd come round to her once you got past thinking she were terrifying.
Terrifying? No way.
Do you think it's too early for sending flowers? I'd need your discretion, Granville.
This mustn't be leaked to you-know-who.
Well, I'm afraid Mrs Featherstone will know they've come from you.
Flowers for Mrs Featherstone? Pull yourself together, Granville.
Flowers for Signora Rossi.
And now the excitement as the first riders appear.
I told you we were early.
Do you know what that means? We're in front.
They're not going to believe it back home.
She gave you some.
Hey.
She gave you some.
No problem.
This is food of the gods, Leroy.
Mrs Alice Crowther's gravy.
She won Gold at the Yorkshire Open again with this last year.
Yes.
All right, you go and look after the shop.
I'm going to get this round to Newbold.
What's he going to eat it with? A slice of bread.
Bread and gravy.
Yorkshire's gift to gourmet cuisine.
And you're going to tell him it's Mrs Featherstone's gravy? Desperate times calls for desperate solutions, lad.
This is Yorkshire nectar.
If we were wearing caps now, Leroy, we would doff them.
- Right.
She wants her pot back.
- Right.
Well, I'll heat this up and put it in a hip flask, then you can take her pot back.
We were in the lead of the Tour de Yorkshire.
So why can't we tell our nearest and dearest? Stand by for this message.
Hard men don't brag.
I always live by that.
But what if they talk in their sleep? That could work.
You look after the shop, I'll only be about ten minutes.
- If that's hot, put some gloves on.
- Yes, I know, I want it hot.
I want Newbold to get the full flavour.
I want him to taste the gravy that he'll never dare leave.
I'm glad I caught you, Granville.
I'm here to offer my services.
- What, now? - At any time.
The offer is open-ended.
Speaking of open-ended why are you squirming, Granville? - Am I squirming? - You're squirming.
I know a squirm when I see one.
Is it excitement, Granville? The two of us alone at last in a confined space? You've gone rather red, Granville.
- Yes, at both ends.
- I knew it.
I can tell the signs.
Are you overheating, Granville? - I am, Mrs Featherstone, I am.
I'm overheating.
- I like that.
I like that I have that effect upon you.
Is there, is there anything I can hold while you cool down? No, no, forget that.
Why should I cool you down? No, stay hot, Granville, and together we will fight those women who have designs on you.
You're very flexible around the hips for a man of your age.
- Ruby.
- Now, don't say a word.
You look gorgeous.
OK, you can say that.
Come on, then.
I'm pinned there and she looks at me, the Black Widow.
"What would you like at this moment?" she asks me.
And she seemed surprised when I said, "I'd love to sit gently on a raspberry ripple.
" And when you need an ice cream, where was he? Running his own van now.
I'll have to watch it, he'll be taking over.
Heh, not while I've got the mark of a hip flask on this right buttock, he won't.