The Nanny s05e06 Episode Script

Maxwell, I have found the perfect subject for our one-person play.
Your sex life? ( laughter ) Oh, Niles, I didn't recognize you.
Wait, stand in Maxwell's shadow.
( laughter ) C.
C.
, I told you, I'm really not very keen on the idea of a one-person show.
Oh, Maxwell, come on, it's a sure thing.
It's cheap, it's easy And still he won't ask me out on a second date.
( laughter ) Would you change your mind if the star of this one-person show were Chevy Chase? Oh, my God, I love Chevy Chase.
I have seen every one of his movies: "Vacation," "European Vacation," "Vegas Vacation.
" ( laughter ) He is very versatile.
( laughter ) Well, it's certainly true he's very popular.
Alright, C.
C.
, I'll tell you what, why don't you run with it? Oh, great! He's playing in Atlantic City this weekend, I'll set up a meeting for us.
I love Atlantic City! ( laughter ) You know, ma just gave me a coupon.
You can get a complete prime-rib dinner for 17 cents.
( laughter ) Well, it comes with a fine Chablis.
( laughter ) - Nanny Fine? - Yeah? Why don't you fry up a Sizzlean and whip out the "Monopoly" game because that's as close to the Boardwalk as you're getting.
( laughter ) Miss Fine, what Miss Babcock is trying to tell you, in her own delicate way, is that this is a strictly business trip.
Yep.
Fine, I've got a date Saturday night anyway.
A a date? Yeah, he's a very nice-looking guy, no grey hairs.
( laughter ) Uh, I just realized, of course! You're going to have to come to Atlantic City to To take care of the children! Maxwell! This is my project! I am in charge! And there aren't going to be any children and there's certainly not going to be any butler! ( laughter ) Well, I want the children to come.
Okay.
And I'll need a butler.
Fabulous.
Good.
Well, it's all settled then.
Niles, you make the arrangements.
Miss Fine, you'll have to cancel that date.
Fine.
( laughter ) Hello, George Clooney? Yeah, Saturday's off.
( laughter ) She was working in a bridal shop in Flushing, Queens Till her boyfriend kicked her out in one of those crushing scenes What was she to do, where was she to go, she was out on her fanny So over the bridge from Flushing to the Sheffield's door She was there to sell make-up but the father saw more She had style, she had flair, she was there, that's how she became the Nanny Who would have guessed that the girl we described Was just exactly what the doctor prescribed? Now, the father finds her beguiling Watch out C.
C.
And the kids are actually smiling Such joie de vivre She's the lady in red when everybody else is wearing tan The flashy girl from Flushing, the Nanny named Fran.
( Music ) Welcome to Trump's Taj Mahal Resort and Casino.
Oh, would you look at all this glitz? Stunning.
( laughter ) May I have your last name, sir? Good luck, I've been waiting five years for it.
( laughter ) Oh, now that's a real woman.
Not the parts you're looking at, honey.
So are you here for the casino or for the shows? Oh, actually, I'm here to take care of the children.
That's my job.
( laughing ) Oh, why the sour puss? You're in a hotel, full of drunken men, who've been up gambling for 72 hours.
You could get lucky.
( laughter ) You think? ( laughter ) At any rate, when I go home tonight, and I'm relaxing and lying in my Jacuzzi, testing some wines with my wife, Marv, I will be thanking the Lord that none of you know where I live.
Thank you and good night! Thank you.
Uh-oh.
Oh, is he hysterical! I'm so sorry that Niles is missing this.
Where is Niles, anyway? Oh, he said he didn't feel well, he went up to his room.
He thought he had a temperature.
Ooh, I'm hot.
Come on, hot hot hot.
Seven seven seven.
- No! - Yes.
- No! - Don't touch the wheel, sir! This game is rigged.
- Security! - Kidding kidding.
( laughter ) Oh, I just can't get over what a riot that Chevy Chase is.
You know, I've had a crush on him since "Saturday Night Live.
" Miss Fine, weren't you a little too young to be watching that? Well, not if you consider three young.
( laughter ) Excuse me, ma'am? The gentleman you've been sending the drinks to all night, he's said he's had enough.
I'll be the judge of that.
( laughter ) Oh, hi, I'm Fran Fine.
Chevy, you are so incredible! Thank you.
Maxwell Sheffield, it's a pleasure to meet you, Chevy.
Mr.
Chase is good.
( laughing ) What a sense of humor! ( laughter ) No, I'm serious.
( laughter ) How come you let her call you Chevy? Well, actually she called me, "Chevy You Are So Incredible," which happens to be my full name.
( laughter ) Anyway, I'll see you tomorrow, at the casino, and we'll talk about the show.
Okay, thank you, Chevy, You Are So Incredible.
Uh-oh, I think I just felt someone's lips.
Right here.
( laughter ) Good night.
Nice meeting you, Mitch.
Maxwell.
( laughter ) Oh, B, B, B, have you seen Niles anywhere? Nope.
Well, wait a minute.
Where are you off to? To a show.
What kind of show? Oh, you know, some craft show called uh "String and Paste.
" "String and Paste"? Yeah.
"String and Paste.
" Let me see that.
"G-strings and pasties!" Wait, I thought it was a typo.
Yeah.
Well, how did you expect to even get into this? What do you have, a fake ID? Yeah, I went to the guy that took 10 years off your license.
It cost me 15 bucks.
I am horrified.
I paid 25! Let me see yours.
Oh, now I know why mine cost more.
Mine's laminated.
Doesn't tear.
Go see "Muppets On Ice.
" Bye.
( laughter ) Niles, have you been up gambling all night? Leave me alone! I won $100.
Well, how much have you put in? Three hundred dollars.
Niles, after all the money that you lost on the cruise, I can't believe you haven't learned your lesson.
- Give me your wallet.
- No no! I'm a mature, responsible adult.
That's not fair.
The Wilsons let their butler gamble.
You're such a meanie, I hate you.
Oh, well, now, Mr.
Smart-mouth, you can just march yourself upstairs and go to bed.
Go ahead.
You know you can't win at these things.
Everything you make is put back in.
What's the matter with you? ( laughter ) ( bell rings ) Fran: I won! I won! I won! I won! Honey, do you wanna get me an apricot sour and make it sweet? Um, excuse me.
Um, my daddy's in the shower and I just locked myself out of our room.
Thank you.
( laughter ) Good girl, sweetie! Okay, hold on to my stuff and I'm going to go in and get Niles' wallet back.
Okay, I copped a conditioner and a couple of mints.
( laughter ) The torch has been passed.
( laughter ) ( laughter ) Come on, three cherries.
Come to Papa! ( laughter ) - Ding ding ding ding ding! - Wee! ( laughter ) Wee! Wee! Wee! ( laughter ) You don't have a gambling problem.
Now, where is your wallet? ( Moans ) ( laughter ) ( laughter ) You keep your wallet in your front pocket, don't you? ( laughter ) ( laughter ) Mmm.
I'm getting lucky.
( laughter ) ( laughter ) Hi, Chevy.
Oh, 29, but thank you! ( laughter ) Player wins.
How you doing? A lot better now.
- Haha.
- You like to gamble? Well, I'm betting everything I got on a guy that took four years to ask me out on a first date, so I guess that would qualify me as a Sucker? Yeah.
( laughter ) - Thank you very much.
- Mm.
You know, you have a beautiful face? Have you ever thought about acting? Haha.
Are you deaf? Player wins again.
Ahh! ( clapping ) - Hey, you're bringing me luck, Fran.
- Thank you.
Hey, I'm having a very big poker game in my room tonight.
I sure could use you by my side.
Ah, well, Chevy, you know, I'm a nanny, so my first responsibility really is to find a sitter.
Hello, sir, Mr.
Chase.
Hi there, Billy.
Maxwell.
So is this a good time to discuss the play? No.
How about this evening? Oh, I'm afraid I'm spending the evening with your beautiful nanny.
Maybe you'll even get lucky.
I'm counting on it.
( laughter ) ( snoring ) ( laughter ) ( knocking on the door ) Niles! Niles, wake up! Wake up, old man! We have to talk.
( Snoring ) ( laughter ) Niles.
Miss Babcock's moving in with us.
Why? ( laughter ) Niles, hypothetical question: let's say someone's down at the casino, and they ask a certain nanny if she would spend the night with him, and she tells him, "Ho ho ho, he could get lucky.
" What do you think that means? Oh, congratulations, sir! Finally! After four years! Do you know, to tell the truth, I was beginning to think you were a big weenie.
Not me, you idiot! Chevy Chase! I presume I'm fired? ( laughter ) Just go ahead and give me my severance pay, preferably in $5 chips.
( laughter ) Oh, look at this from Chevy Chase.
It's that beautiful dress that I saw downstairs in the boutique that I wanted to wear tonight, but how did he know? Because you took him into the boutique and you said, "This is the dress I wanna wear tonight.
" ( laughter ) But how did he pick up on the subtlety? ( laughter ) "Dear Fran, meet me in front of the Baccarat Room at 11:00.
" Ay, he wants to buy me crystal.
That's sweet.
"Then up to my suite for the game.
" ( knocking ) - Miss Fine.
- What? Give me back my wallet.
No! You are a compulsive gambler and I will not be your enabler.
If you give it back to me, I'll tell you something about Mr.
Sheffield that you really want to know.
All right, fair enough.
You tell me what you got, I'll tell you where your wallet is.
Mr.
Sheffield is insanely jealous that you are spending the night with Chevy Chase and thinks that you are going to end up in bed together.
He's insanely jealous.
I bet I know where he got that The wallet, baby, the wallet! ( laughter ) Well, I'll give you a hint.
I gave it to somebody that's really going to enjoy having this power over you.
Babcock.
( laughter ) Next time someone asks for an extra Twinkie in their lunch, we'll see who gives me attitude.
( laughter ) Fran, I can't believe that Dad is jealous of you and Chevy Chase.
Well, honey, just don't make it worse by telling your father that Chevy got me this really expensive, sexy gown and that I'm going to be in his room tonight at 11:15.
- I wasn't gonna - Yeah, you were.
( laughter ) Hey, Gracie.
How's the babysitter? No, that's not really Dianna Ross.
( laughter ) Now, he's in the show here at the hotel.
Meanwhile, is your father on his way up? Did he seem upset? Oh.
How awful.
Okay, good night, sweetie.
I love you.
( Kissing ) Niles! Niles! Not now, sir, Miss Babcock has my wallet and I can't find her anywhere.
No, Niles, Miss Fine is in there with Chevy Chase right now.
But, sir, Lucky 7 is paying $110,432.
98.
( laughter ) I'm beginning to think you might have something of a gambling problem, old boy.
Oh, nonsense, sir.
- Darn.
- What? I just lost the trifecta.
Give me that! Fran: Oh, Chevy.
Oh, Chevy, I'm so hot.
( laughter ) Oh, that's some great hand you got there, baby! ( laughter ) Fran, I didn't bring you up here to talk.
( laughter ) I think our not-quite-ready for prime-time player is beginning to take advantage of Miss Fine right now! I'll take that bet, what are the odds? ( laughter ) Mmm, mmm, care for a little sweet stuff? ( laughter ) Oh, Fran, take it off.
( laughter ) Fran: Ho ho ho ho.
Fran, we can't play until you take it off.
Okay.
She's stopped talking.
That's a bad sign.
( laughter ) Courage, sir! Perhaps she just discovered the mini-fridge.
( laughter ) Fran, would you get me a Coke? Yes, yes! Oh, yes, Chevy! ( laughter ) I've gotta get in there.
Here, hold this.
Get back, get back.
Ow! ( laughter ) Oh.
I'll bet you I can do that, sir.
Oh, all right, I bet you $50.
Go on, go on! Can you spot me the $50? ( laughter ) Here.
( Knocking ) Chevy: It's open ( laughter ) Max: All right! That's it, I've had it! She's leaving with me! Oh! What in God's name possessed you to fold with three queens? Mr.
Sheffield, what are you doing? Feeling like a huge ass.
Oh, nothing personal.
( laughter ) Go ahead, gentlemen.
Good night, Chev.
Good night, Fran.
( laughter ) ( applause ) Oh, Mr.
Sheffield! I can't believe you barged in there and carried me out.
It's so '50s.
( laughter ) Luckily, I'm an old-fashioned girl.
( laughter ) Well, I only did it, Miss Fine, because I was concerned for your welfare.
Oh, you did not.
You did it because you thought that I was in the arms of another man and you got jealous.
Now, why can't you just tell me? First, you tell me why a gentleman in a sequin gown is singing Grace to sleep with "Ain't No Mountain High Enough.
" ( laughter ) Darn! ( laughter ) Give it to me, Babcock.
( laughter ) Give what to you? Don't play coy.
I'm getting what I came for.
I'll tie you down if I have to.
( laughter ) Niles, you animal! ( laughter ) I've never seen this side of you.
( Growls ) What are you doing? What do you think I'm doing? I'm ransacking your drawers.
( laughter ) Well, are you looking for something specific? I have peignoirs, teddies a hand puppet.
( laughter ) I am looking for my wallet.
Oh, Niles, ( high-pitched voice) you don't have to pay me.
( laughter ) - Ahh - Ahh Well, it's good to be home, huh? Told you he'd say that.
( laughter ) You are such a worthless tool, it's like an embarrassment to have you as a relative.
You are amazing, verbatim! ( laughter ) You know, I don't understand this whole gambling thing.
Look at this, Chevy sent me $100 worth of chips.
I thought that he was sending me Pringles.
( laughter ) I bet you're relieved it's money and not food.
How long've you known me? ( laughter ) You know, I can't believe I still don't know if Chevy oh, Mr.
Chase Chevy, is doing my show or not.
Well, you know, if you want, I'd be happy to talk to him.
I mean, we did have quite a rapport going there.
( laughter ) You know? That's not a bad idea.
I think I'll give him a call, see if I can get the two of you together.
Okay.
( laughter ) Chevy? Listen, would you like to get together with Miss Fine? No? Say! ( laughter ) ( applause )