The Neighborhood (2018) s05e06 Episode Script

1
Hey, Kenny, good news.
I only had to replace a few hoses
and refill your coolant.
Oh, that is good news.
Now, a more unscrupulous
mechanic would've told you
it was your water pump, and
charged you an arm and a leg.
But you're in luck because
I got all my scruples.
(LAUGHS)
Well, I'm glad my car
broke down near your shop,
'cause I usually take
my car to Motor Boys.
Motor Boys? Do you hate your cars?
No, I have a service contract with them.
They take care of my fleet
of black cars and sprinters.
Hey, guess who one of my drivers
just picked up from LAX.
The mom from Home Improvement.
I have heard of that person.
And it would be a shame
if she got stranded on the 405
because Motor Boys forgot
to replace your radiator hoses.
That would not be good.
Anyway, I gotta go pick up
my son at baseball.
Oh, oh, your son plays baseball?
Yeah. Since he was six years old.
The boy eats, drinks
and sleeps baseball.
(CHUCKLING): Sounds like my son Malcolm.
He actually would have made it to the
big leagues if he hadn't gotten injured.
But now he's a batting coach for USC.
Wow. That's one of the best
programs in the country.
Yeah.
Kenny, how about I talk to my son about
taking your son to the next level?
I likes the sound of that.
I thought that you would.
Kenny Phillips,
KP Luxury Transportation.
You know, Kenny,
if I scratch someone's back,
and then I realize, oh,
I'm feeling a little itchy
maybe I can get my back scratched, too.
You know, one hand washes the other.
The quid becomes the pro quo,
the yin becomes the yang,
the wu becomes the tang.
Welcome to the block,
welcome to the neighborhood ♪
Hey, honey. How was your day?
Well, I went to the farmers' market,
and two great things happened.
First of all, I got a box of dough-nots.
Ooh, doughnuts.
No, no, no. Not-not doughnuts.
Dough-nots, as in "not a doughnut."
They're not fried, they're vegan
and they're gluten-free.
Well, I dough-not want one.
Your loss. Ah. The second thing is
I bumped into your old friend Linzie.
- Linzie from Hickory Corners?
- Yeah.
Huh, that's nice.
That's nice?
I thought you'd be
more excited about Linzie.
And the dough-nots.
It's just when I won the
Miss Hickory Corners pageant,
Linzie was the runner-up.
Afterwards, it was awkward.
Well, the best woman won.
And I married a beauty pageant winner,
so in a way, I won, too.
I haven't seen her in years.
How did you even recognize her?
I didn't. She recognized me.
Please tell me you did not
invite Linzie over.
No, I did not invite Linzie over.
- So you did.
- I did.
Hey, Pop, I got your text.
What's the emergency?
Ah, there's no emergency.
Your father just wants
to pimp you out to a customer.
Uh, Mama, I'm gonna need
more context than that.
Listen, son, come on, have a seat, man.
Right here. In your chair?
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Look, a big opportunity
just fell into my lap.
I got a new customer
who owns a fleet of cars,
and I want to land his service contract.
It just so happens that he has a son
that is a high school
baseball prospect, so
Here comes the pimp part.
I told him you'd be
the kid's private batting coach.
Really? No, that's awesome.
There's good money in that. (CHUCKLES)
Not for you.
Tina, would you let me talk to my son?
Okay.
Not for you.
But you'd be doing me a solid.
And the kid, he's really good.
All right? He's a four-star prospect.
Just needs a great batting coach
to get him up to five.
Okay, well, I mean, I gotta admit,
if I brought the school a hot recruit,
that would be a good look for me.
- Yes, it would be a good look for you.
- Yeah.
This is about you.
And if you make thousands of dollars
off the dad, it's a good look for you.
That's just the sacrifice
I'm willing to make, Tina.
Okay, Peter, widen your stance a little.
Okay, here we go.
Whoo! Ho, ho!
That's what I'm talking about.
Oh, you got a lot of power.
Okay, I'm gonna take
some speed off the ball,
and that's gonna allow you
to focus on your mechanics.
(LAUGHING)
What's, uh What's so funny?
Man, this monkey keeps
smelling his own butt.
(LAUGHING)
A monkey. Uh, Peter,
if you don't get your head in the game,
you'll be smelling your butt
on the bench.
All right, now, look, I'm gonna
put a little curve on the ball.
Oh, man, I hate curveballs.
They're hard to hit.
Yeah, Peter, that's why
pitchers throw them.
And you'll be seeing a lot more
of those in college.
All right? Now, stay in there,
stay focused.
Okay.
Ah! Hey, that's okay. Peter, Peter,
keep the weight on
the balls of your feet.
Here we go.
Come on, Peter.
Look, attack the ball, man.
Beast mode. Let your beast out, man.
(GROWLS)
Whoo-ho-ho! Yes! That is it.
So we're done, right?
Ah.
No, we are not done.
Is there somewhere else you'd rather be?
Well, yeah, actually
Hey, that was a rhetorical question.
Thanks for coming tonight, T.
I really needed a buffer.
Things could get a little weird.
Oh, that's just Dave.
I've grown to love that about him.
I'm not talking about Dave,
I'm talking about Linzie.
Aw, don't worry about it. Look.
Her and Calvin are getting along great.
Then, after my divorce, I got a job
at a chicken processing plant.
Mm.
My thumb got caught in the machinery.
(MOUTHING) Yeah.
Luckily, it was a clean cut.
This is actually my big toe.
(CALVIN CHUCKLES)
Damn, I just shook your hand.
You must have gotten a big settlement.
Oh, yeah, huge.
I invested it all in Bitmoney.
- You mean Bitcoin.
- I wish.
CALVIN: Uh, uh
quick question. Do you get a mani
or a pedi on that?
So, uh, is this your first time
out in L.A.?
Yeah. What better time to travel
than right after
you've just been evicted?
(LAUGHS WEAKLY)
But, hey, I'm all about that van life.
I'm afraid to ask
another question. Anybody?
So what brought you out to Pasadena?
I came to be on The Price is Right.
- Oh. Oh!
- Oh, that's fun.
It should have been,
but I never got to "come on down."
Damn.
I bet if Gemma was there,
she would have won.
She wins everything.
Oh, it was just one silly pageant.
Well, it came with a college scholarship
and got you out of Hickory Corners.
And look at you now.
College didn't do that much for me.
Gemma, it's okay.
She deserved to win that pageant.
You should have seen her.
Great magic tricks.
You were You were great, too.
She played "Somewhere
Over the Rainbow" on spoons.
I'm not gonna lie, I would've liked
to see that right there.
But where you crushed it
was the public speaking.
That story was so beautiful.
Her horse died and it broke her heart.
And the judges'.
Oh, Gemma, you had a horse?
Yeah, you never told me you had a horse.
Yep. It just up and died. So
Anyway who wants to see
a magic trick?
I'm gonna make dinner appear. (LAUGHS)
You know what,
I'm gonna get some more wine.
Ooh, and, uh, get some spoons.
Do you know any Kenny Loggins?
Your friend Linzie,
she's a little different.
Mm-hmm.
Gemma?
- You okay?
- No.
Calvin, that story I told
to win the pageant
- About the dead horse?
- It was a lie.
The horse is alive?
No, the story was about my aunt.
Your aunt died?
You should have gone with that.
That's way sadder.
No. No, my aunt didn't die.
I mean, she's dead now,
but she was alive then.
So was there ever a horse?
Yes!
I'm not a crazy person.
It was my aunt's horse.
But I went up on that stage,
and I said it was mine,
and I fake-cried in front of the judges,
and that's why I won.
Linzie was really
talented and beautiful.
She would have won.
But I got the scholarship,
and her life went to crap.
She should have the great
life that I'm living,
but instead, she's living in a van,
and she didn't even get to come on down!
Okay Oh, whoa.
Um
Oh. We're out of ranch.
Oh, have some of mine.
Oh. Yeah. Thank you.
Dave, don't waste that last carrot.
Oh. (CHUCKLES)
Oh, hell no.
Where's the little girls' room?
Oh, it's right back there.
Move. Gemma!
That woman is a snake. She is no good.
Wait, why would you say that?
Well, Dave said, "I need more dip."
And Linzie lifted her plate
and said, "Stick it in mine."
That's not what she said.
Well, that's what I heard.
I'm sure Linzie didn't
mean anything by it.
She's just sad and lost.
- Well
- Yeah. And I was out of dip.
She had some. What was I supposed to do?
You walk your butt into that kitchen,
and you get the bottle.
Or hell, you'd swallow that celery dry.
(SCOFFS)
Back me up on this, Calvin.
(CHUCKLES): Oh, believe me.
I know better than to
ever go side-dipping.
Okay, you're seeing the ball.
You're bringing your bat back.
Now let's freeze.
Do you see anything wrong?
- Oh, yeah.
- Yeah?
- Yeah, I-I see it.
- Okay.
My hat's crooked.
Come on, Peter, get serious.
- Hey.
- Hey.
Uh, Marty, this is Peter.
Peter, this is Marty.
Oh, nice to meet you, man.
We are breaking down Peter's swing.
Ah, yes, physics in action.
Rotational velocity is
translated into torque.
The transfer of energy from bat
(CLICKS TONGUE) to ball.
Wow.
Yeah, you'll have to excuse my brother.
He's a big-ass nerd.
If being fluent in
Newton's second law of motion
makes me a nerd (SCOFFS) so be it.
I know that law.
Force equals mass
- times acceleration.
- Times acceleration.
(CHUCKLES): Ah, yeah.
(LAUGHING) Uh huh.
Never seen anyone fist-bump science.
Whoa, whoa, you work at JPL?
Uh, yes, I do. I'm an astrophysicist.
Do you know anyone who worked
on the Perseverance Mars rover?
(SCOFFS) Do I know anyone?
Little boy, I am "anyone."
I'm on the team that programmed
one of the telescoping claws.
(LAUGHS) Yo, I just touched the guy
who touched the claw that touched Mars.
That's me.
Yeah, all right, all right, um, hey.
Who wants to watch Peter
miss some curveballs?
I'd love to, but I got to calculate
some launch telemetry.
(CHUCKLES) Wow.
I mean, your brother is so cool.
(LAUGHS)
Do you think he'd show me
how to do that?
Are you telling me
you would rather do math
than work on your swing?
Is that bad?
Yeah, that-that-that
could be bad for me.
Uh, sit down, man. Let's talk.
Peter, if you're gonna play
baseball at the next level,
you have got to want that more than
you've ever wanted anything.
You know, to have a chance to make it,
it has to mean everything to you.
Does it?
It means everything to my dad.
I'm not asking our dad, I'm asking you.
Is baseball what you want
to do with your life?
W-Well, it's in my top ten.
Peter.
It's number ten.
Hey, guys. Oh.
Hey, Gemma, what are you doing here?
I was wondering,
do you have a tow truck?
I'm trying to do a favor for a friend.
Wait a minute.
Is this about that van that's
parked in front of your house?
I know. I know, but she
You let that snake stay at your house!?
I had to.
Her transmission is busted.
The AC doesn't work.
She is miserable in that van.
The least I can do is get it fixed.
Gemma, you cannot blame yourself
for how someone else's life turned out.
But I fake-cried to win that pageant.
I pride myself on being a good person,
but I'm just a cheater.
Gemma, all you were doing
was playing the game.
How many pageant winners have
actually delivered world peace?
(SCOFFS)
I mean it when I said it.
I bet you did,
because you had your eye on the prize.
Show her your wall of fame, baby.
Oh, yeah. Come on.
Now, you see all these awards?
Sure. Best Auto Garage
in Southern California.
Impressive.
What's even more impressive is
that I made it myself.
Don't get me wrong, this is
the best auto garage
in Southern California.
You know, I deserved this award
I didn't actually get.
Look, Gemma, what's important is
that you're a genuinely good person.
You got to let go of
this guilt about Linzie.
Wait, is that Shaq
giving you an award at the White House?
Oh, why, yes, it is. Yes.
All right, Linzie.
Tow truck is on its way.
You're gonna be on the road
and back to Hickory Corners
- in no time.
- (SIGHS) Thank you, Dave.
You have so much
positive energy, it's amazing.
Well, thank you. And look,
you may not have won
on The Price is Right,
but I have a feeling that you're gonna
win the Showcase Showdown of life.
(CHUCKLES SOFTLY)
You know, when I first saw you
at the farmer's market,
going to town on those dough-nots
I knew we'd end up right here.
What do you mean?
Dave.
Come on, let's not play games.
You dipped your celery
stick in my ranch.
We both know what you wanted.
Yes.
Ranch.
Uh
(CHUCKLES)
You see, Linzie, um,
celery, it has no taste.
Without a dip, it's inedible.
(CHUCKLES) Come on.
You got all up in that sauce.
Huh. Uh, Linzie,
I don't like this.
Whew, why am I excited?
No, that's fear. Dave, calm down!
Shut up, you sexy man.
Okay, Linzie.
I'm flattered, but you need to chill.
I've got your dip right here.
Ah! Okay. All right.
- (GASPS) What the hell?!
- Gemma, it's not what you think!
You walked in
on a sexy man trying to be unsexy,
and it is not working!
- Oh, my God.
- I know.
She has got some crazy ideas about dips.
- I would never
- I am so relieved.
You're-you're relieved?
Why are you relieved?
Tina was right about you.
You're a total snake.
Me?
Everybody knew you fake-cried
at that pageant.
(SCOFFS)
Oh, yeah? What about your nip slip?
Huh? We all knew that was premeditated.
"Oh, I dropped a spoon.
Whoopsie doodle."
(BLOWS RASPBERRIES)
I got to say, this sounds
like one heck of a pageant.
Yeah, okay. (SIGHS)
We're done here.
Linzie, I'm gonna tell you
the same thing your landlord told you.
Get your crap and get out.
Damn.
Stop it.
(DOOR CLOSES)
I cannot believe that Linzie
was trying to hit this.
I believe it.
In Hickory Corners, you're a ten.
What does that make me in L.A.?
My husband.
I'm gonna need a number.
Here's to the fathers and sons.
Oh, and, uh,
to how many cars you say you own again?
(BOTH LAUGHING)
Yes, sir.
Hey, there's my boy.
And my favorite baseball coach.
(LAUGHS) Yeah, you say that now.
Uh (COUGHS)
Uh, sir.
Your son has something
he wants to tell you,
and I don't think you're gonna like it.
Then maybe he doesn't need to say it.
Dad.
I don't want to play baseball.
What?
But you love baseball.
Well, yeah, sort of, but
Oh, what-what Peter is saying
is that he
he just isn't passionate about baseball,
and he feels pressure to play.
His real passion is for science.
Maybe even astrophysics.
What? That's not a career.
I thought your son was gonna
help my son with his batting.
Well, so did I, okay?
Malcolm, what happened?
Pop.
Do you remember when you were
my Little League coach?
A-And you pushed me
and inspired me to be my best?
Yes, and that's what you were
supposed to do for Kenny's son.
Do you remember when you
were Marty's Little League coach?
And you pushed him and inspired him,
but he wasn't so into it, and he sucked.
Hey, man. "Sucked" is a little extreme.
(CHUCKLES): Yeah. He was terrible.
Right. Marty was the worst.
He fell down swinging.
- Every single time.
- Every single time. Right.
Dude, the bat was too heavy.
(MUTTERING)
The point is, Pop,
you saw what Marty was good at,
so you let him quit baseball.
And for five summers,
you drove him to science camp.
And now look at him.
He's happy, he's successful.
Everything worked out.
That was the best thing
for Marty, and
I think that's gonna be
the best thing for Peter.
It's what I want, Dad.
You know what?
You don't know
what the hell you're doing.
You are a horrible coach.
Whoa, whoa, whoa. Whoa. Watch your tone.
Now, Malcolm is talking about
what's best for Peter,
not what's best for you.
And, you know,
if that means you're gonna
take your business
elsewhere, then so be it.
I'm taking my cars back Motor Boys.
(SCOFFS)
Well, you'll be taking them back a lot.
Hey, sorry I messed up
your big deal, Pop.
Nah, don't be sorry, Malcolm.
It's only money.
That I need.
But you did the right thing.
I'm proud of you.
You boys want a drink?
The good stuff?
Yeah. (LAUGHS)
Oh, uh, Pop, I am honored.
You deserve it.
(BOTH EXCLAIMING)
Oh, hey, thanks, Daddy.
Hey, you got any lemonade
I can mix this with?
Oh! Or pineapple juice.
Give-give me those back.
What?
Y'all ain't ready.
(OVERLAPPING CHATTER)