Workaholics s05e06 Episode Script

Nachos and guacamole Like chipotle, but it is real Can I help you? Yeah, how much you want for this junk? How 'bout a quabillion jillion trillion dollars? This isn't a yard sale, you bitch ass.
- Bitch ass? - Yeah, I said bitch ass.
- Put it down.
- Whoa.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
- Hey, man.
- Easy, man.
Hands off.
- Put down my record, bro.
- Wey-oh.
- Put down my record! - What are you doing, man? - This is a community out here.
- Hey, guys! Something's going down in the front yard.
Check it out! There I go.
- Hey, Karl! Karl! - Bring the tone down.
- Just back it off.
- Keep your hands off me.
What the hell are you doing? Dean, we'll handle this scandal.
All right, man.
See that you do.
Thank you.
Thank you so much.
You saved me.
Thank you.
Karl, bud, it's too early for this.
What's all this stuff, man? Oh, dude, this stuff is my Mexican stuff.
I've been getting hella into Mexico lately.
- Oh.
- Oh, yeah? I actually need to go back down there right now to help some coyotes do a border run, so if you guys don't mind, I'd-- I'd love to leave this stuff inside your house.
Okay.
All right.
You got one trip.
Anything you can get in the house in one trip can stay.
All this other shite got to go.
That's cool.
I already know what I'm gonna do.
Come on.
Get it, boy.
Get it, boy.
Live there.
You got this.
- Finish line's right there.
- Yeah! Whoo! What do you need? What do you need? Talk! - I need water.
- No, no, no.
No, no, no.
- No, we said no water.
- Right there, across the plank.
- You got this.
You got this.
- Aah! - No! No! - Yes! Aah! Yay! Oh, ho, ho, ho.
Blanket.
Blanket on the ground.
- That's my favorite blanket.
- That's all right.
It belongs to the outside now, bitch.
Whoa, is that a full body shot of Olmec? I've never seen his lower half.
Is this a Legends Of The Hidden Temple tell-all? Dude, probably.
Everything cool comes from Mexico.
- You know, tacos and - Where's your blanket though? - Sick.
- Oh, hey.
These right here in the bag, they're in a bag for a reason.
They are muy caliente-- burning your skin off.
Don't let 'em touch you.
All right? - All right.
Sweet.
- Awesome.
This right here is very important.
- I need to ask a favor of you.
- Thank you.
I have a business associate stopping by tomorrow to pick that up.
Don't open it.
It says it right there.
It does.
Right on the front.
I read that too, but I was like, "it's like a suggestion.
" But I really want to know, "what's in the box? What's in the box?" Like from that scary movie, Seven? With Brad Pitt? I'm sorry.
I haven't seen movies.
But I know who Brad Pitt is.
I see his face on the magazine blankets - that keep me warm at night.
- Magazine blankets.
Okay, but, like, what is in the box actually, though? We don't want to know what's in the box, okay? Don't tell us, 'cause we're not some shady Fedex kinkos with package pickup availability, okay? Okay, well I have 2,000 reasons that says otherwise.
These are all dollars.
Oh.
Well, hell yeah.
We'll do it.
Come on.
- Oh, my gosh.
- Give me the money.
I'll give you one G now and then another G upon completion, okay? I love that you're giving us money, but it's Ts.
- It's not Gs.
- Hmm? It's thousands.
Not grousands.
Hmm? Oh, wow.
It's always been Gs in my book.
Let me change that.
I'm glad I'm here to teach you something.
You guys, I think we should open the box.
I just want to know what we're dealing with.
No, you can't open the box, Ders.
It's definitely drugs, all right? As soon as you open the box, you're a drug dealer.
You leave the box closed, you're just a friendly neighborhood, like, box dealer.
Like a ups man or something.
I'm gonna go talk to Alice, get tomorrow off, because I feel like I've been stacking a lot of cool points as of late, so I'm gonna go cash those in.
- Good call.
- Cool points? - Yeah.
- Okay.
Well, I've never heard of it, and it sounds really fake, like it doesn't exist.
Mm, very, very, very real.
It's, like, a real thing.
It's like when you do something cool, you get a cool point.
Maybe you poop your pants.
Cool points depleted.
Maybe you piss yourself, or maybe you puke on your shirt-- but if--sometimes if you puke a distance, then-- then perhaps you get a cool point for projectile.
That's cool.
I'm at 68 right now.
I'm gonna--about to get to 69, which, in itself, you get extra cool points for being close to 69, because that's such a cool number.
You actually would get a more--okay.
I'm gonna--I'm gonna go talk to Alice then.
Dicks.
Thank you.
A day off? All right, everyone in the conference room now.
Alice, I got your coffee.
Mm.
Jillian, this is ice cold.
Like your heart.
She is freaking Jeremy-Pived.
I wonder if, like, my cool points depleted when I got all that hot sauce in my eyes last week from the burrito, and she must have seen it.
Is there something wrong with you people? Because every day this week, someone has come to me bitching and moaning about a new problem.
Well, it ends now, because I don't give a fuck about your problems.
Hear that, Tez? No more coming to my office whining, "where my leads at? I don't got no lizz-eads.
" I don't sound like that.
And Bill? Stop coming to me for advice.
"Why won't girls date me?" Maybe 'cause you're broke 'cause you suck at your job.
Ow.
Burn notice received.
You know, Bill, a wig could really help with your confidence.
And, Gary, stop staring at Jillian.
Can't tell if this guy wants [Bleep.]
or kill me.
Oh, and now you three want a day off for no reason at all.
Actually, that--that'd be great.
If everyone else is here, so are you three idiots.
Okay? And, hey.
Consider this your lunch break.
- What? - What? Jillian.
You just ate lunch.
Gah, this job is a jizz-oke.
Oh, yeah, I do sound like that.
What are we gonna do, man? We still need tomorrow off.
If no one comes in the office, the heat'll be off us.
What about a ditch day? - That's perfect.
Oh, my God.
- No, wait.
Hang on.
- Shh.
Everyone shut up.
- Sit down.
Shut up and sit down.
- Shut up and sit down.
- Shut up.
- Sit down, shut up.
- Okay, now you shut up.
Okay, here's the deal, guys.
I know tensions are running high working here.
- It's tough, right? - I hate it.
I hate it.
Instead of coming here tomorrow and working, why don't you guys come to our place for a ditch day? - Oh, my God.
That sounds fun.
- Right? - Just like in high school.
- Nah, nah, nah, nah, nah.
We ain't going to your nasty-ass frat house, bath soap all covered in pubes and dookie streaks.
Nope, there's no dookie on the soap anymore.
- Not anymore.
- We switched to body wash.
- So we solved that problem.
- Yup.
So I'll see you guys there? Also, there's gonna be alcohol, snacks, food.
- Tons of booze.
Tons of booze.
- Yeah, so Okay, so ditch day is a s'go.
You know what, dude? I think I figured it out-- why my cool points are dipping.
- What? - I need, like, a new hip name.
Yeah, it's pretty bad.
I been meaning to tell you about it.
- Nails dechamp.
- Okay, right this way.
- Wow.
- That's good, right? The pianist, you can just get set up in there.
- Okay? - That's really cool.
And if you don't mind, let's keep it classy, but also a little nasty, just like my main man, Jamie Foxx.
In fact, I got a little bracelet for you here.
WWJFP.
"What would Jamie Foxx play?" All right? Okay.
I'm gonna need that back though.
Thank you.
Excuse me, honey, where do you keep your plates? Honey? I'm not your honey.
I'm your boss, okay? The kitchen is that way.
Please get in there.
Do not use the Wendy's napkins.
Use the Starbucks napkins.
Yo.
Yo, hey, bro, what-- what's up, man? So what--are these volunteers, or you--you hired people? Yes, Blake.
I had to hire people.
Two people, okay? I'm trying to class it up here.
It's only 300 bucks out of the 1,000 that Karl gave us.
I mean, you could have asked us.
You spend money to make money.
- Exactly - Right? And I spent $700 more on finger foods, this rug-- thank you for not stepping on it--and the Chiavari chairs, which look-- - they look so good.
- These look great.
Plus we got another $1,000 coming when we get rid of the drug box, right? - One more T, baby.
- Right.
Right.
So we're fine.
All right.
- Oh, I got it.
- Uh-oh, party time.
- Skip over the rug.
- Look good.
Look good.
- Excuse me.
What up.
- Hey.
Hey.
Hey.
It's me, nails dechamp, your party guide for ditch day.
- Welcome to the main event.
- Give me some food.
I skipped dinner last night for this.
We got plenty of food.
Let me get my waitress.
- Come on in.
- Paula, eggs! Where this drank at? Yeah, yeah, I understand that, but it makes my feet swell up like balloons.
Jillian, breakfast biscuit and black coffee.
Jillian? Oh, what the fuck? Ah, no.
I'm full.
Thank you.
Hey, what'd you think of the bathroom? How about that two-ply charmin? You know what? It was all right.
Them Booty wipes was a nice touch.
It stings now, but it's a good sting.
Fantastic.
Guys, if we could put our phones away, that'd be great.
All right? Come on.
We're staring at these things all day.
Do we even know each other anymore? For instance, Ghostman.
What, uh--like, what-- what's even your real name? My name's Gary Golstman.
Oh.
Oh, that-- I just always thought Alice was calling you that because-- - nothing.
- Yo, Blake.
Watch me stack mad cool points with this B-boy flavor.
- Oh, all right.
- Ayo! Ladies and gentlemen.
Who's ready to b-b-b-b-break dance! - Me.
Get 'em, nails.
- Here, Steven.
Oh, Daddy's a dancer.
That's not break dancing.
This is.
Oh! Oh, is that-- ha, ha, ha! - Adam.
- I'll frickin' break-dance.
- I'll frickin' break-dance! - Adam.
Oh! - I'll break-dance! - It's a rental.
It's a rental.
It's a rental.
Someone needs a chill pill.
Hey, you know what? I told y'all this party was gonna eat my booty.
Let's get out of here.
I haven't had a sale in three weeks.
Whoa.
Hang on.
Hang on.
Hang on.
Sit down.
Sit down and shut up.
- You can't ditch ditch day.
- That's right.
Everybody, sit down.
Okay? Sit down, Montizzle.
Listen, I've been reading a lot about the Mayans, okay? And when they stressed out about pesos, they didn't just, you know, run back to work.
They sipped the worm water.
You guys want me to chug that? 'Cause I will.
- Someone dare me to chug that.
- All right.
Come on, everybody.
Shots in honor of olmeck, the Mayan God of chillaxing.
Waymond wouldn't be with you.
Everybody here can suck my big Johnson! TelAmericorp, please hold.
Well, then please hold a third time.
TelAmericorp.
Oh, actually, Jillian does the shipping usually, but I can do it if you tell me your--hello? Fine.
Oh, sh You put a black light in that holiday inn hotel room, it's gonna be nasty.
Never even saw the beach.
Whoo! Excuse me, if you want a piano player at your crappy house, get one.
- This one's mine.
- He's jamming though.
You don't hear this? Well, he's not taking requests, okay? - Hey.
Waymond, give me that box.
- Why? "What's in the box?" - Have you ever seen Seven? - Yeah.
We've said it, like, seven times already today.
Give me the box right now.
- What's wrong with you, man? - Waymond! Hey.
What are you doing? What are you-- no, no, no, no, no! - Yo! - Guys, want to help? Waymond, what is your problem? Oh, he's strong.
He's strong.
He's strong.
Whoa.
Come on, trap him in the closet in Adam's room.
Oh, he's tough.
He's slippery.
- Chill, man! - Oh! Don't piss in my bed, fat--fatso.
- All right.
- I don't know.
Maybe "chillax" means something different in his country.
Whoo! That was cool.
Waymond's freakin' strong.
He's like a Chevy truck or something.
- Very surprising.
- Too strong for you.
He almost got the Booox! Which I put right there.
I swear to God, I putted it there.
Dude, we got to find that box right now.
"What's in the box?" From Seven? Never seen it? Good flick.
Cool twist.
Which one of you lowlife scumbags took my box? Hmm? I pay your rent.
I put food on your table after you put food on my table, and this is the thanks that I get? You're both fired, and I want the wristband back.
I don't have the wristband.
Did you throw away my wristband? I threw it away.
Get the hell out of here before I go crazy.
You mind if I stick around for a drink? Yes.
You're a chick.
Chicks never have to leave our house.
It's a house rule.
Be a good ghost and grab mama a drink.
- I'll get you a drink.
- Shh.
I can't breathe! Thank you.
Of course.
And I'm sorry about before-- the staring.
It's just you look like my dead wife.
Oh, Ghostman.
That--I'm so sorry.
I didn't know.
R.
I.
P, Lady Ghostman.
Come here.
Wait a second.
That's my woman! Whoa, what's going on? Oh, God.
Get him! Get him! Holy shit.
Guys! Come on! You're acting, well Nuts actually.
They both want a piece of the Jilly bean.
What are you doing? Do you like these guys? - Oh, no.
Not really.
- Then what're you doing? Why you teasing my dangle? Alice craps on me a lot, and I just wanted to see what it felt like to do the crapping.
Guys, you can't be trying to twist each other's joints off, man.
He's right.
I only went at you so hard 'cause we're both so badass.
Well, you see that waitress? I'm gonna tell her that you have a monster wang.
You wouldn't be lying.
Totally all good.
No problem.
Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho.
Freakin', oh, you can eat crazy peppers.
Everyone loves gil, don't they? I'll eat--I'll eat a freakin' million of those.
Pepper.
Mmm, ooh, it's so hot.
It's so hot.
Let me drip a little bit in my eyes.
It's so hot.
Rubby, rubby, rubby.
I wouldn't do that.
Ow, fuck! Aah, it's so hot! Aah! Oh, my God! It's so hot! It's so hot! Why won't it help me? That helps a little, actually.
Oh! He's leaving! - Oh, hey.
- He's biting.
Careful.
- How'd he get out? - Hey, man, chillax! Oh! - Yes, whoo! - Oh, my God.
Come back! Come back! How did you do that? Hey! Adam.
- It's not-- - I got it! You can't.
- Just-- - I'm gonna go around.
- Yeah, good call.
- Through the gate.
- Good call.
Yeah.
- Hey, boys.
You want this box? Back up, or I'm gonna flood this box like a high school girl on prom night.
- Ew.
- Montez.
Drop it, Tez.
All right? Just put the box down.
Not in the water though.
Outside of the water though, please.
Ooh, why you want the box so bad, huh? 'Fess up.
You know exactly what it is.
- It is drugs, okay? - Yeah.
- Oh, yeah.
- We're big-time drug dealers.
We're about to make a big-time drug deal, so just hand it over.
That's right.
New Jack City, baby.
There's someone at the door for you guys.
Says it's important.
- Thank you, didi.
- It's the drop-off.
It's a drop-off.
Okay.
I'm not kidding.
- You give me that box.
- No.
You ain't getting nothing with that cheap suit on.
You back up too, Blake.
I could just sell this box myself and make all the money, huh? How 'bout that? Oh! Oh! Come on.
Let's go.
- Okay, let's go.
- Come on, bud.
Why you gonna do me like that, man? Come on.
Oh, wow.
- Help me.
- Yeah, I got you, dude.
Whoa.
I never seen your hair wet.
It's cool.
What's going on, man? Huh? It's--you know what? Colleen making more money than me.
I didn't get no sales last month.
That's what you're worried about? You know what? I used to deal those diggity-dang nugs back in high school.
If y'all cut a brother in on the box, I bet you I can up those profits.
Grandma drug dealer.
- Perfect cover.
- It really is.
More like a gram-ma.
Get it? 'Cause you, like--it's a common measurement in drugs.
- That's good.
That's good.
- Thanks.
Nice one.
Very good one.
- Oh, man.
- Cops.
Cops! Oh, my God.
It's a sting.
I knew it! We're going to the Booty House! - Flush it.
We got to flush 'em.
- Go, go, go.
Go, go, go.
- Flush it! - Flush, flush, flush.
Hey, we're busy here.
Uh, we just need to use the toilet, so, uh--okay.
Yup.
Baby, don't stop.
I'm in love! Yeah, we'll just work around you.
What is this? What? The drugs must be inside.
Here.
Rip 'em open.
- Start flushing.
- All right.
Oh, yeah.
Whoo! Yeah, baby, that's the good burn right there.
Yeah.
Yeah, man.
I know cocaine when I taste it on my lips.
Oh, yeah.
Keep that-- Oh, snaps.
- Oh, wow.
- Oh, whoa, the cops are here.
We received complaints about a heavyset Asian man destroying front yards in the neighborhood.
They said he came from here.
So let me get this straight.
He's in trouble, and we're not in trouble for do-- for-- we're not in trouble.
You just keep the noise level down.
Mm-hmm.
Another complaint, and you'll be cited.
Woman, I tell you that right now.
Hey, are we doing this or what? We actually had to flush the drugs when the cops got here.
It was almost a huge bust, so we just saved you.
Drugs? I bought rare Princess Diana Beanie babies from Karl, the collector, and I paid him up front.
Well, I mean, if you really want 'em, I think you could pull 'em out of the toilet.
I mean, they're just in pieces, but-- the fabric's okay.
You tell Karl he'll be hearing from me.
Whoa, whoa.
- My hair's on fire! - Dude.
Okay, we no longer need any of you here, so ditch day is over.
Bye.
Ditch day? Everybody back to the office.
Adam, Blake, Anders, you three are suspended without pay until I feel like it.
- What? It wasn't our-- - we were trying to-- No.
No.
No! No! No! People were miserable.
Adam, Blake, and Anders were just trying to help.
You treat us like you don't even give a damn about us.
Why are you even here now? I'll answer.
For yourself.
- Uh-huh.
- Mm-hmm.
I know.
I--it's just sales get low, and then I get stressed out, and all of that trickles down.
I--I owe you an apology.
Guys, I have an idea.
What if we hit the freaking phones and got corporate off Alice's back? - Come on! - Yeah.
Yeah, let's do that.
- Yeah.
Yeah.
- Yeah! Sure.
Hell yeah.
Come on! Yes! Okay.
All right, sure.
Yeah, why not.
I mean-- thanks, Adam.
Good idea.
Major cool points.
No.
- I accept them.
- Great.
Ding dong.
Aloha, guys.
It's me, Karl again.
Whoa, hey.
Look, I got a text from Fran.
She said the beanie baby handoff didn't go as planned.
- Sorry about that.
- That's all right.
I'll just give her a good munchin'.
Hey, check it out.
I got my coyotes across the bordie.
You were talking about real coyotes? - Uh, yeah.
- That's cool.
- Cool points.
- Yeah.
Karl, those are wolves.
Wild wolves.
Nuh-uh.
I put ropes on 'em.