Better Things (2016) s05e07 Episode Script
Family Meeting
1
["THE COFFEE COLA SONG"
BY FRANCIS BEBEY PLAYING.]
[CHUCKLES.]
[SNIFFLES.]
[LAUGHS.]
Aw Pfft [GROANS.]
Zombie.
[SNIFFS, GRUNTS.]
Oh, my God.
No.
[EXHALES.]
[MOUTH POPS.]
No.
[SIGHS.]
[CELL PHONE CHIMES.]
Window with a cold look On my face Walk through the passageway Aw.
Honey? Buddy? Honey? Da fuck? [SIGHS.]
That's my shirt.
[KNOCK ON DOOR.]
Knock, knock.
Mayne I come in, mang? - Mom, you didn't knock.
- Yes, I did.
- I still even hear the knock - No, you knocked while you were walking in.
The point of it is while you're out - It's when Forget it.
- Sorry.
Were you burning incense in here? No.
What's the smell? I just blew out a candle.
Oh.
[SIGHS.]
Cozy.
Cozy time.
[CLEARS THROAT.]
How you doing? You good? - Yeah, Mom.
I'm fine.
- How's school? It's fine.
How's Pepper? She get home okay? They're fine.
Well, are you texting with somebody, or you having - an essay writing contest? - Mom.
Please.
I'm writing.
Oh, you're writing.
Yeah, I'm writing.
Oh.
- Okay.
- Y-Yeah.
Ah.
[SIGHS.]
Smells like oranges.
[SMACKS LIPS, INHALES.]
[EXHALES.]
- Want the door open or closed? - Can you close - Fine.
- Can you close my door? [PODCAST PLAYING OVER PHONE.]
Remember when you were interested in saving the Earth? - [SIGHS.]
- [STOMPING.]
I'm afraid of bees, yet I bought you an apiary.
Okay.
Well, I'm gonna get chosen for the ark because they're gonna need beekeepers when they're rounding people up for the zombie apocalypse.
[PODCAST CONTINUES PLAYING FAINTLY.]
Pah.
Pah, pah, pah.
That's it.
Family meeting! Family meeting! Family meeting.
Family meeting.
Max.
Duke.
Family meeting.
DUKE: I'm busy.
- [CAR ENGINE STARTS.]
- Oh.
Wait.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Honey.
Cut Puh-puh-puh-puh-puh-puh-puh.
Hi, hi.
Hi.
- Hi.
- I need to talk to you.
Are you okay? I'm fine.
Why? Because you just posted all these pictures of you on social media crying.
God, Mom, why are you looking at my stories? - Mm kay.
Sorry.
- [ENGINE TURNS OFF.]
Please come inside with me for a family meeting.
I need backup.
I'm already in the car.
- I'll pay you.
- How much? $27,000.
Good, because I don't get out of bed for anything less.
I knew that.
Come with me, miss, please.
Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you.
I have a checkbook right inside.
Honey, but why why were you posting videos of you crying? [SIGHS.]
[CLEARS THROAT.]
Hello.
Thank you.
- Ah, ah, ah, ah.
- No, Mom.
- No, I-I need it for school.
- Ah, ah, ah.
School is literally on my phone.
- [CELL PHONE CLATTERS.]
- Thank you.
- FRANKIE: What is this? - Just listen.
SAM: I would just like to speak to everybody in the same room at the same time.
'Cause, once upon a time, I had - three daughters.
- Mm, it's not that hard.
Once upon a time, I had three children.
I'm not a child anymore.
[GRUNTS.]
Once upon a time, I had three offspring cunt trophies who used to interact with me, and now they only interact with their screens.
[SIGHS.]
Hello? Hello? Can I get some eyeballs? Eyeballs? Yes.
There they are.
Do you think we could do this? One week, a moratorium, no phones in the house for one week.
DUKE: It's not realistic, Mom.
I need it for homework, and my class has a group chat.
- We have a landline.
- [LAUGHS.]
Okay, boomer.
For the last time, I am not a boomer.
I am Generation X.
We are the coolest generation.
We know how to give change without a computer.
We use paper.
We are analog.
We are the last golden generation.
Don't call me boomer.
I hate that.
Uncle Marion is a boomer.
Thank you.
Okay.
Moratorium.
Back to basics.
Life.
Freedom.
This is George Orwell.
We're just staring into robots.
Oh.
Robot.
Yeah.
Um, that's the perfect word.
Can I just take my phone for, like, five seconds? No.
No, no, no.
This is serious.
Fellas, please.
Our brains is falling out of our ears.
Mine, too.
[CELL PHONE BUZZES.]
[SIGHS.]
Are you kidding me? You're not on the same playing field as me.
Okay? I have to pay all the bills here.
- [CELL PHONE BUZZING.]
- Which is why I need to - - MAX: Could be an emergency.
You know, all the bills.
- [SIGHS.]
- MAX: Mom, you're being ridiculous.
Just look at your text.
DUKE: Mom? Can I take my phone for five seconds? I'm writing a poem.
I just want to write down one word.
The word "robot.
" Okay? [BUZZING.]
Check your texts.
Put yourself out of your misery.
Well [CLEARS THROAT.]
No.
No We can do this! - We can do this.
- Hey, Mom, I actually SAM: I'm excited.
I'm gonna buy a loom.
[FOOTSTEPS RECEDING.]
[DUKE SIGHS.]
SAM: So, people come here and say, "I want the number 69 please," like, "Do the number 69 to my follicles?" Please forgive all the questions from my personal valet.
Emiliano, my man, which one of these is the haircut that nobody wants? Which one of these haircuts is a total dud? She's a Dickensian orphan I'm mentoring.
First day out of the house.
Ah, mentoring.
Ah, oh, now I see.
'Cause I was thinking, when you come in, I think, "Mr.
Rich is two-timing his lady.
" ¿Comó puede ser? Hmm.
Now, that's so interesting.
- Oh, this isn't, uh - Oh, no.
Not at all.
I'm not the lady.
That would be very weird.
[LAUGHS.]
: Yes.
Exactly.
Because Mr.
Rich's wife is a willowy blonde.
- I remember this, huh? - Yeah.
SAM: Yes, yes.
We all have such fond memories of the tall, willowy blonde.
What else was it about the lady? - I don't think - Ah, she has the PhD, yes? Economics.
[LAUGHS.]
Numbers.
Eso.
And she play the ukulele.
Mm.
Mm-hmm.
And she's from a Dakota.
And they are rewatching the entire Sopranos series, and they refuse to skip ahead without one another.
Because they're so sweet they're a sweet couple.
EMILIANO: No, Mr.
Rich is a lucky man.
It is a beautiful relationship.
- Mm.
- Mr.
Rich speaks operettas about her every time he come in, eh? Because you always ask, Emiliano.
Ah.
There.
You are ready for the party, eh? Emiliano, thank you.
Nice to meet you.
Richard, I will meet you later at the Regal Beagle.
I am getting a call now from Mr.
Roper.
So I will see you.
- Bye, Sergio.
- Yes, adios.
Fantastic heterosexual haircut.
Are we doing your thing now? Yes, and if anybody at the market asks me about my tall blonde wife, play along.
- Oh, Alan.
- Hi, guys.
- RICH: What a surprise.
- Yes, what a surprise.
- [LOW-PITCH.]
: Yes, what a surprise.
- ALAN: Hi, Sam.
W-Wh Brain delay.
Processing, processing.
Meep.
Merp, merp, merp, merp, - merp, merp, merp.
- [BOY LAUGHS.]
Oh.
Hey.
- You dropped your toy.
- Yeah.
- [CHUCKLES.]
- No way.
It's you.
Can I get a picture with you and my kid? Oh.
Sure.
Look, um, here.
Will you take this, please? - Oh, sure Yeah.
- Climb up, Jerobi.
- Come on.
Climb up.
- Yeah.
Okay, okay.
Whoa.
Hello.
Right there.
I want one.
SAM: Aw, haw.
I remember when mine were this little.
- Hi, buddy.
Good.
Wow.
- You are so Uh - [LAUGHS, BABBLES.]
- Bye.
Bye.
[LAUGHS SOFTLY.]
All right, I'm going to the market.
You still don't want me to come with you? No, I'm good.
Nice to see you, Alan.
You, too, Sam.
Okay.
- Cool buttons.
- Thank you.
Okay.
Uncle Faggot will see you tonight at the gay party! SAM: See you later.
- That was good.
- Yeah.
Yeah.
- I think she totally bought it.
- Oh, I don't know about that.
- No, really? Oh - Yeah, I don't know.
What kind of fish is that? Can I get three of each? Um, can you tell me the name of this vegetable? That's called bitter melon.
I admire its girth.
- The sea, the sea, the sea - [BOTH CHUCKLE.]
It's such a salty magic place If you find yourself going under You'll remember the taste Thank you for your service.
Wait, let me get my cart.
[GASPS.]
I love this.
[CHUCKLES.]
Whoa, that's okay SAM: Can I ask you about this one thing over here? - Oh.
- WOMAN: First time here, huh? Me? No, I'm a regular.
They know me up front.
- Okay, sure.
- What are you gonna make with these? Har lok.
[SPEAKS CANTONESE.]
Can I borrow this pen? - WOMAN: You don't have a phone? - Long story.
Chili oil, oyster sauce.
What even is oyster sauce, right? I mean Peanuts.
How many do you get for, like, the two of you? I mean, these are big.
So Poseidon, give me life Let me breathe like a Pisces With blue eyes Or that Cancer who keeps crawling by These are fun.
Do you like the taste? Who can know? Please don't you let my love run dry Oh, fuck - Oh, my.
- I'll get it later.
- I'll get a smaller rice.
- Okay.
[GRUNTS.]
That's a good one for me.
- Can you get me that? - Yes.
- SAM: Thank you so much.
- Mm-hmm.
- Um - Let me know if you need anything else.
Cool.
See you later.
- [CHUCKLES.]
: Okay.
- Thank you.
SAM: How's Alan? RICH: Thank you for asking.
He's good.
He's good.
That was crazy, - bumping into him on the street, right? - Shut up.
- You bought that.
- What's he up to? Just working.
He's a physical therapist.
- Oh, my God.
- PT guy.
Look at this.
Oh.
Hello? - [CHUCKLES.]
- [ACCENT.]
: Operator? Is this a party line? [REGULAR ACCENT.]
: I'm-I'm being very nice.
I'm just happy you're here.
I'm so obsessed.
Look at the color blue.
Look at that.
That smells.
- That's annoying.
- Mm-hmm.
I need the remote.
It smells of the sea.
Mm, the Dead Sea.
Anything else? Mace? Ooh.
I'm sorry, Gefilte.
I don't want you to witness this.
I get crazy if I want to I said so, I said so I get crazy if I want you 'Cause I said so, I said I see myself in the mirror See, see, see myself in the mirror Yeah, I see myself in the mirror See, see, see myself in the mirror Yeah, I see myself in the mirror See, see, see myself in the mirror Yeah, I see myself in the mirror See, see, see myself in the mirror See myself in the mirror See, see, see myself in the mirror Yeah, I see myself in the mirror Yeah, I see myself in the mirror Hey, see, see, see, see, see Mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm Yeah, I see myself in the mirror See, see, see myself in the mirror Hey I get crazy if I want you I said so, I said so I get crazy if I want you 'Cause I said so.
FRANKIE: [SNIFFLES.]
Okay.
I'm ready to go.
- Lol.
Love.
- [LAUGHTER.]
Why do you have an asterisk there? That's not the only asterisk he has.
[WHOOPING, WHISTLING.]
Wait, wait, so you're not allowed to be gay, but you're allowed to have two pink revolvers on your chest? Duke, what is your problem? JAY: It's okay.
We're all in hiding, me and the revolvers.
No skin, shirts only at family beach vacations.
Yeah, but not here, though.
- Not here, though.
- Hey.
- [ALL CHEERING.]
- JASON: Yes, you better work.
[WHOOPS.]
- Damn.
- She's in the mood.
- Oof.
- FRANKIE: She's always in a mood.
JAY: Let me see that.
- What do we think? - We are straight.
And nothing else.
[DISTANT LAUGHTER.]
[MUSIC PLAYING IN DISTANCE.]
[DISTANT CHATTER.]
[PAWS SCRAPING, COLLAR JINGLING.]
[SHUSHES.]
[WHISPERS.]
: Where you going? [PHONE CHIMES.]
Wish you didn't have to work, these kids are so cute.
Send Oh, I say send [PHONE CHIMES.]
Hi.
[LAUGHS SOFTLY.]
Stop.
It's like a weird key party but with phones.
I feel different.
Older.
Like, energetically.
And, like, not bad anymore.
Not guilty.
And also, I feel like I have my whole life ahead of me and like I made the right choice, for myself.
I feel like more of a person.
And, like, almost better.
I'm not ready for that, but I hope I can do it when I am.
Does that make any sense? Sure it does.
You're awake.
That's what growing up is.
Life is a series of befores and afters.
You just had your first before.
Actually, it's not my first before.
This is my first this.
[LAUGHS SOFTLY.]
Wow.
You're absolutely right.
But this one was easier.
Because this one was my choice.
Hmm.
Did you tell my mother yet? Did I? Did you? Well, I can't tell her.
You have to.
Maybe she figured it out.
It's kind of killing me.
Killing you? You have no idea.
[DUKE HICCUPS.]
Duke? What is she doing over there? No.
What is that? That better not be what I think it is.
I know what's going on.
I'm going out with Paisley.
I'll see you later.
I will fucking kill you if you don't quit that shit right now.
[THUMPS.]
Should we go back in? Oh, that sounds so pretty.
Who are you? Never mind.
Keep playing.
It's good.
- It's really, really, really pretty.
- [GUITAR RESUMES.]
LUKE: You took me by surprise I could see the whole world smiling in your eyes We went to a grass patch and gazed to the sky [WATER RUNNING.]
- Hi.
[LAUGHS.]
Sorry, Jay.
- Mm.
No.
Let me get out of here.
- Getting ready? - Yeah.
Wait, let me check these out.
My guns? Big Second Amendment fan, I see.
Yeah, I support women voting.
Yeah, I'm an ally.
[BOTH LAUGH.]
You're funny.
You guys make me want to go to your gay party.
I wish we were going to a gay party.
It's my cousin Hong's sweet sixteen.
Frankie's my date.
What about Jason? No, Jason, they can't come.
They, uh, do not exist in that world.
Frankie's my "girlfriend" and has been since we were 13.
Call me old-fashioned, but when it comes to gay beards, Frankie is not the person who springs to mind.
[LAUGHS.]
I know, right? They'll be perfect.
[BOTH CHUCKLE.]
Frankie's not the one I'm worried about.
Well it is "don't ask, don't tell" with my parents.
So they don't know.
And I don't plan on telling them.
- Hmm.
- I'm fine.
I just have to wait a couple more years and then I'll be free.
You're running out the clock on your childhood.
That breaks my heart.
Well, it's sad, but I can probably tell them when my grandpa dies.
- He's getting up there.
- How old is he? Fifty-six.
Oh, yeah.
[LAUGHS.]
He's really getting up there.
[BOTH LAUGH.]
[EXHALES.]
Well, I want you to know that you have shelter here, okay? This is the place that you can come and get gay rainbows blown up your ass.
Thank you.
[SNIFFLES.]
That means a lot.
Honestly, the truth is, my parents are the ones in the closet.
They're pretending to be the parents of a heterosexual boy, and, well no.
- No! - [LAUGHS.]
- [PHONE RINGING.]
- It's my dad.
[SPEAKING VIETNAMESE.]
[WHISPERING.]
: If I could just.
.
Yes.
That's a beautiful language, but I got to go poop.
DUKE: Mom, can I just have ramen with a jammy egg? "Easy cut.
" Yes.
Duker, I'm a little jealous of your ramsens.
Uh, ram-sam-sam.
[SNIFFING, INHALING.]
- Mmm.
- Mm-hmm.
Mm-hmm.
- What? - This is nice.
The best.
- Full house tonight.
Fun.
- Yes.
- Okay, but you're hovering.
I need - Oh space.
It's like Whac-A-Mole.
Frankie goes, Frankie comes back.
Duke goes, Max goes, Max comes back.
And you know she has really been going through it.
What a relief.
You know.
Yeah.
[CLEARS THROAT.]
Yeah, I know.
What do I know? Nothing.
I have eyes.
I know.
You know about the tattoo? Yes.
The tattoo.
Nothing.
N-Nothing.
What are you talking about? What are you talking about? [EXHALES.]
Regarding Max.
Oh, God.
Oh, God, oh, God.
Please just spit it out.
What? I have to tell you something.
Remember Back to School Specials? Remember? Honey She didn't have mono.
What? She was eating banana sandwiches.
With mayonnaise.
Oh, God.
[EXHALES.]
Oh Oh, God.
Oof.
[FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING.]
Duke, just Can you give us a minute alone, please? - Mom.
- Duke.
- Fine.
- Wait, wait, wait, wait.
Come back, get your jammy ramen egg.
Okay.
Okay.
Okay.
Tell me.
No.
No, don't tell me.
Don't tell me.
Just Just tell me, is everybody okay? Is everyone okay? And also, I don't want to know where the tattoo is.
- Okay.
Got it.
- [EXHALES.]
A few weeks ago, Max red-phoned me.
Okay.
So I showed up.
And I was there for her.
And she asked me she told me, if she hadn't told you in a month, then I should tell you, and so I'm telling you.
She was trying to work up the balls, eggs.
To tell me? To tell me? I promised That really hurts my feelings.
I know.
[EXHALES.]
Is she okay? You were there.
You were with her? Okay, so what I can do? What-what, what-what Slow down.
Slow down.
Okay, just tell me.
Tell me about Tell me.
Tell me what happened.
No! No, no.
No.
Don't.
Just don't.
Don't, don't, don't, don't.
Just don't tell me.
It's better.
It's better.
It's better.
[TAPPING.]
[SIGHS.]
All right.
Okay.
All right.
I just want you to tell me.
Just want you to tell me.
Okay, I want you I want you to tell me.
I want you to tell me.
[EXHALES.]
No.
No.
No.
I don't.
I don't.
I don't.
Don't.
It's better.
It's better.
It's better.
It's better.
It's better.
Just promise that you'll tell me everything one day.
When I'm in a coma.
[LAUGHS SOFTLY.]
[BOTH SPIT THREE TIMES.]
I mean, what am I - What did we - Okay.
Okay.
Okay.
[GRUNTS.]
There you go.
We just pick ourselves up [WHISPERS.]
: and dust ourselves off.
Okay.
L'chaim.
She's got so much blues Her best friend can't help her Her best friend's a woman How can a woman help her? Woman's got the blues [CHEERING, LAUGHTER.]
- SAM: Oh, my God.
- RICH: Oh, man She just feels like crying SAM: Yes.
Hand.
Over here.
- MARION: Over here, please.
- SAM: Over here.
What are your intentions with my child? I've got no intentions whatsoever.
I didn't think so.
JASON: Bring me a hot plate.
And I cannot wait to try your Bánh tiêu.
I love you.
Woman's got the blues Love you, too.
FRANKIE: Mom, the house smells so good.
Can you please save me some food? You know dis.
Look at that tush! - Yes, look at both of the - Poke it out.
SAM: "Better poke it," is that something the kids say? - Yeah.
- You better poke it out.
- I don't want to poke it - JASON: You better poke it.
RICH: Are you happy, Jason? Are you living your truth, honey? You good? JASON: Actually, my truth is, Jason's my deadname.
I want to go by Jerza.
Thank you for telling me.
I love Jerza.
Long live Jerza.
Come and try the prawns! Feels like dying - Magic! - Magic! Magic.
Mm.
Do you want some nuts? Do you want rice? So picky.
SAM: Isn't it good? Thank you! Woman's got the blues, hey - LUKE: Nice.
- [ROCKY LAUGHS.]
ROCKY: Was that Frankie's mom? [CLOCK TICKING SOFTLY.]
[FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING.]
[DOOR OPENS.]
[PANTING.]
[LAUGHS.]
: Mommy! [CRYING.]
: Mommy Hi.
Whoa.
Mom.
SAM: Mm.
Oh.
Oh.
[GRUNTS.]
Honey.
Hey I love you.
- Are you okay? - Mom - Oh - I'm fine, I'm fine.
Okay.
[GRUNTS.]
SAM: Honey.
Honey.
Oh Mom, we need to pick up my car tomorrow.
Why? Why? Did something happen? God, Mom, no.
I had Paisley drop me off.
I am responsible.
Paisley says I'm fumed, but I'm not fumed.
- No - I'm here! I'm not fumed.
- Yes.
Okay.
- [MOANING.]
[LAUGHS.]
: Okay.
My tolerance is getting low because I'm old now.
You're not old, honey.
You're not old.
- Not like "you" old.
- Uh-huh.
Uh - Mom? - Yeah.
Yeah.
Did you ever do something or [SNIFFLES.]
Make a decision you couldn't go back on? Um, yes.
Three of 'em.
[INHALING SHARPLY.]
Mom! - Mom, I love you so much, Mom.
- Oh - I love you so much, Mom.
- Oh - Okay.
- Mom.
Honey, whatever you had to drink, you have my permission to drink it again.
- [SHUSHES.]
Mom, no.
Mom.
- Drink it again - Okay.
- You're ruining it, Mom.
- Ow.
- I love you so much.
Listen to me, listen to me, Mom.
- Okay.
Oh - Mom, listen to me.
I would die if you died.
I would kill myself.
I would kill myself! - Okay.
- I would, actually, I would.
Mom.
Mom, I love you, I love - Okay.
Okay.
- Mom, I love you.
Okay.
O-Okay.
Oh, my Wow.
Okay.
Eh [GRUNTS.]
Mom! Do not die.
[GRUNTS.]
Okay.
Oh [EXHALES.]
Okay.
[GRUNTS.]
Oh [SHUSHES.]
[GRUNTS SOFTLY.]
Very wet.
["COUNT THE TEAR DROPS" BY CORRINA REPP PLAYING.]
Oof.
I'll count the teardrops Hold out Your hands [GRUNTS.]
My gracious.
[SIGHS.]
Hold out Your hands Let's give them a name Give them A name
[CHUCKLES.]
[SNIFFLES.]
[LAUGHS.]
Aw Pfft [GROANS.]
Zombie.
[SNIFFS, GRUNTS.]
Oh, my God.
No.
[EXHALES.]
[MOUTH POPS.]
No.
[SIGHS.]
[CELL PHONE CHIMES.]
Window with a cold look On my face Walk through the passageway Aw.
Honey? Buddy? Honey? Da fuck? [SIGHS.]
That's my shirt.
[KNOCK ON DOOR.]
Knock, knock.
Mayne I come in, mang? - Mom, you didn't knock.
- Yes, I did.
- I still even hear the knock - No, you knocked while you were walking in.
The point of it is while you're out - It's when Forget it.
- Sorry.
Were you burning incense in here? No.
What's the smell? I just blew out a candle.
Oh.
[SIGHS.]
Cozy.
Cozy time.
[CLEARS THROAT.]
How you doing? You good? - Yeah, Mom.
I'm fine.
- How's school? It's fine.
How's Pepper? She get home okay? They're fine.
Well, are you texting with somebody, or you having - an essay writing contest? - Mom.
Please.
I'm writing.
Oh, you're writing.
Yeah, I'm writing.
Oh.
- Okay.
- Y-Yeah.
Ah.
[SIGHS.]
Smells like oranges.
[SMACKS LIPS, INHALES.]
[EXHALES.]
- Want the door open or closed? - Can you close - Fine.
- Can you close my door? [PODCAST PLAYING OVER PHONE.]
Remember when you were interested in saving the Earth? - [SIGHS.]
- [STOMPING.]
I'm afraid of bees, yet I bought you an apiary.
Okay.
Well, I'm gonna get chosen for the ark because they're gonna need beekeepers when they're rounding people up for the zombie apocalypse.
[PODCAST CONTINUES PLAYING FAINTLY.]
Pah.
Pah, pah, pah.
That's it.
Family meeting! Family meeting! Family meeting.
Family meeting.
Max.
Duke.
Family meeting.
DUKE: I'm busy.
- [CAR ENGINE STARTS.]
- Oh.
Wait.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Honey.
Cut Puh-puh-puh-puh-puh-puh-puh.
Hi, hi.
Hi.
- Hi.
- I need to talk to you.
Are you okay? I'm fine.
Why? Because you just posted all these pictures of you on social media crying.
God, Mom, why are you looking at my stories? - Mm kay.
Sorry.
- [ENGINE TURNS OFF.]
Please come inside with me for a family meeting.
I need backup.
I'm already in the car.
- I'll pay you.
- How much? $27,000.
Good, because I don't get out of bed for anything less.
I knew that.
Come with me, miss, please.
Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you.
I have a checkbook right inside.
Honey, but why why were you posting videos of you crying? [SIGHS.]
[CLEARS THROAT.]
Hello.
Thank you.
- Ah, ah, ah, ah.
- No, Mom.
- No, I-I need it for school.
- Ah, ah, ah.
School is literally on my phone.
- [CELL PHONE CLATTERS.]
- Thank you.
- FRANKIE: What is this? - Just listen.
SAM: I would just like to speak to everybody in the same room at the same time.
'Cause, once upon a time, I had - three daughters.
- Mm, it's not that hard.
Once upon a time, I had three children.
I'm not a child anymore.
[GRUNTS.]
Once upon a time, I had three offspring cunt trophies who used to interact with me, and now they only interact with their screens.
[SIGHS.]
Hello? Hello? Can I get some eyeballs? Eyeballs? Yes.
There they are.
Do you think we could do this? One week, a moratorium, no phones in the house for one week.
DUKE: It's not realistic, Mom.
I need it for homework, and my class has a group chat.
- We have a landline.
- [LAUGHS.]
Okay, boomer.
For the last time, I am not a boomer.
I am Generation X.
We are the coolest generation.
We know how to give change without a computer.
We use paper.
We are analog.
We are the last golden generation.
Don't call me boomer.
I hate that.
Uncle Marion is a boomer.
Thank you.
Okay.
Moratorium.
Back to basics.
Life.
Freedom.
This is George Orwell.
We're just staring into robots.
Oh.
Robot.
Yeah.
Um, that's the perfect word.
Can I just take my phone for, like, five seconds? No.
No, no, no.
This is serious.
Fellas, please.
Our brains is falling out of our ears.
Mine, too.
[CELL PHONE BUZZES.]
[SIGHS.]
Are you kidding me? You're not on the same playing field as me.
Okay? I have to pay all the bills here.
- [CELL PHONE BUZZING.]
- Which is why I need to - - MAX: Could be an emergency.
You know, all the bills.
- [SIGHS.]
- MAX: Mom, you're being ridiculous.
Just look at your text.
DUKE: Mom? Can I take my phone for five seconds? I'm writing a poem.
I just want to write down one word.
The word "robot.
" Okay? [BUZZING.]
Check your texts.
Put yourself out of your misery.
Well [CLEARS THROAT.]
No.
No We can do this! - We can do this.
- Hey, Mom, I actually SAM: I'm excited.
I'm gonna buy a loom.
[FOOTSTEPS RECEDING.]
[DUKE SIGHS.]
SAM: So, people come here and say, "I want the number 69 please," like, "Do the number 69 to my follicles?" Please forgive all the questions from my personal valet.
Emiliano, my man, which one of these is the haircut that nobody wants? Which one of these haircuts is a total dud? She's a Dickensian orphan I'm mentoring.
First day out of the house.
Ah, mentoring.
Ah, oh, now I see.
'Cause I was thinking, when you come in, I think, "Mr.
Rich is two-timing his lady.
" ¿Comó puede ser? Hmm.
Now, that's so interesting.
- Oh, this isn't, uh - Oh, no.
Not at all.
I'm not the lady.
That would be very weird.
[LAUGHS.]
: Yes.
Exactly.
Because Mr.
Rich's wife is a willowy blonde.
- I remember this, huh? - Yeah.
SAM: Yes, yes.
We all have such fond memories of the tall, willowy blonde.
What else was it about the lady? - I don't think - Ah, she has the PhD, yes? Economics.
[LAUGHS.]
Numbers.
Eso.
And she play the ukulele.
Mm.
Mm-hmm.
And she's from a Dakota.
And they are rewatching the entire Sopranos series, and they refuse to skip ahead without one another.
Because they're so sweet they're a sweet couple.
EMILIANO: No, Mr.
Rich is a lucky man.
It is a beautiful relationship.
- Mm.
- Mr.
Rich speaks operettas about her every time he come in, eh? Because you always ask, Emiliano.
Ah.
There.
You are ready for the party, eh? Emiliano, thank you.
Nice to meet you.
Richard, I will meet you later at the Regal Beagle.
I am getting a call now from Mr.
Roper.
So I will see you.
- Bye, Sergio.
- Yes, adios.
Fantastic heterosexual haircut.
Are we doing your thing now? Yes, and if anybody at the market asks me about my tall blonde wife, play along.
- Oh, Alan.
- Hi, guys.
- RICH: What a surprise.
- Yes, what a surprise.
- [LOW-PITCH.]
: Yes, what a surprise.
- ALAN: Hi, Sam.
W-Wh Brain delay.
Processing, processing.
Meep.
Merp, merp, merp, merp, - merp, merp, merp.
- [BOY LAUGHS.]
Oh.
Hey.
- You dropped your toy.
- Yeah.
- [CHUCKLES.]
- No way.
It's you.
Can I get a picture with you and my kid? Oh.
Sure.
Look, um, here.
Will you take this, please? - Oh, sure Yeah.
- Climb up, Jerobi.
- Come on.
Climb up.
- Yeah.
Okay, okay.
Whoa.
Hello.
Right there.
I want one.
SAM: Aw, haw.
I remember when mine were this little.
- Hi, buddy.
Good.
Wow.
- You are so Uh - [LAUGHS, BABBLES.]
- Bye.
Bye.
[LAUGHS SOFTLY.]
All right, I'm going to the market.
You still don't want me to come with you? No, I'm good.
Nice to see you, Alan.
You, too, Sam.
Okay.
- Cool buttons.
- Thank you.
Okay.
Uncle Faggot will see you tonight at the gay party! SAM: See you later.
- That was good.
- Yeah.
Yeah.
- I think she totally bought it.
- Oh, I don't know about that.
- No, really? Oh - Yeah, I don't know.
What kind of fish is that? Can I get three of each? Um, can you tell me the name of this vegetable? That's called bitter melon.
I admire its girth.
- The sea, the sea, the sea - [BOTH CHUCKLE.]
It's such a salty magic place If you find yourself going under You'll remember the taste Thank you for your service.
Wait, let me get my cart.
[GASPS.]
I love this.
[CHUCKLES.]
Whoa, that's okay SAM: Can I ask you about this one thing over here? - Oh.
- WOMAN: First time here, huh? Me? No, I'm a regular.
They know me up front.
- Okay, sure.
- What are you gonna make with these? Har lok.
[SPEAKS CANTONESE.]
Can I borrow this pen? - WOMAN: You don't have a phone? - Long story.
Chili oil, oyster sauce.
What even is oyster sauce, right? I mean Peanuts.
How many do you get for, like, the two of you? I mean, these are big.
So Poseidon, give me life Let me breathe like a Pisces With blue eyes Or that Cancer who keeps crawling by These are fun.
Do you like the taste? Who can know? Please don't you let my love run dry Oh, fuck - Oh, my.
- I'll get it later.
- I'll get a smaller rice.
- Okay.
[GRUNTS.]
That's a good one for me.
- Can you get me that? - Yes.
- SAM: Thank you so much.
- Mm-hmm.
- Um - Let me know if you need anything else.
Cool.
See you later.
- [CHUCKLES.]
: Okay.
- Thank you.
SAM: How's Alan? RICH: Thank you for asking.
He's good.
He's good.
That was crazy, - bumping into him on the street, right? - Shut up.
- You bought that.
- What's he up to? Just working.
He's a physical therapist.
- Oh, my God.
- PT guy.
Look at this.
Oh.
Hello? - [CHUCKLES.]
- [ACCENT.]
: Operator? Is this a party line? [REGULAR ACCENT.]
: I'm-I'm being very nice.
I'm just happy you're here.
I'm so obsessed.
Look at the color blue.
Look at that.
That smells.
- That's annoying.
- Mm-hmm.
I need the remote.
It smells of the sea.
Mm, the Dead Sea.
Anything else? Mace? Ooh.
I'm sorry, Gefilte.
I don't want you to witness this.
I get crazy if I want to I said so, I said so I get crazy if I want you 'Cause I said so, I said I see myself in the mirror See, see, see myself in the mirror Yeah, I see myself in the mirror See, see, see myself in the mirror Yeah, I see myself in the mirror See, see, see myself in the mirror Yeah, I see myself in the mirror See, see, see myself in the mirror See myself in the mirror See, see, see myself in the mirror Yeah, I see myself in the mirror Yeah, I see myself in the mirror Hey, see, see, see, see, see Mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm Yeah, I see myself in the mirror See, see, see myself in the mirror Hey I get crazy if I want you I said so, I said so I get crazy if I want you 'Cause I said so.
FRANKIE: [SNIFFLES.]
Okay.
I'm ready to go.
- Lol.
Love.
- [LAUGHTER.]
Why do you have an asterisk there? That's not the only asterisk he has.
[WHOOPING, WHISTLING.]
Wait, wait, so you're not allowed to be gay, but you're allowed to have two pink revolvers on your chest? Duke, what is your problem? JAY: It's okay.
We're all in hiding, me and the revolvers.
No skin, shirts only at family beach vacations.
Yeah, but not here, though.
- Not here, though.
- Hey.
- [ALL CHEERING.]
- JASON: Yes, you better work.
[WHOOPS.]
- Damn.
- She's in the mood.
- Oof.
- FRANKIE: She's always in a mood.
JAY: Let me see that.
- What do we think? - We are straight.
And nothing else.
[DISTANT LAUGHTER.]
[MUSIC PLAYING IN DISTANCE.]
[DISTANT CHATTER.]
[PAWS SCRAPING, COLLAR JINGLING.]
[SHUSHES.]
[WHISPERS.]
: Where you going? [PHONE CHIMES.]
Wish you didn't have to work, these kids are so cute.
Send Oh, I say send [PHONE CHIMES.]
Hi.
[LAUGHS SOFTLY.]
Stop.
It's like a weird key party but with phones.
I feel different.
Older.
Like, energetically.
And, like, not bad anymore.
Not guilty.
And also, I feel like I have my whole life ahead of me and like I made the right choice, for myself.
I feel like more of a person.
And, like, almost better.
I'm not ready for that, but I hope I can do it when I am.
Does that make any sense? Sure it does.
You're awake.
That's what growing up is.
Life is a series of befores and afters.
You just had your first before.
Actually, it's not my first before.
This is my first this.
[LAUGHS SOFTLY.]
Wow.
You're absolutely right.
But this one was easier.
Because this one was my choice.
Hmm.
Did you tell my mother yet? Did I? Did you? Well, I can't tell her.
You have to.
Maybe she figured it out.
It's kind of killing me.
Killing you? You have no idea.
[DUKE HICCUPS.]
Duke? What is she doing over there? No.
What is that? That better not be what I think it is.
I know what's going on.
I'm going out with Paisley.
I'll see you later.
I will fucking kill you if you don't quit that shit right now.
[THUMPS.]
Should we go back in? Oh, that sounds so pretty.
Who are you? Never mind.
Keep playing.
It's good.
- It's really, really, really pretty.
- [GUITAR RESUMES.]
LUKE: You took me by surprise I could see the whole world smiling in your eyes We went to a grass patch and gazed to the sky [WATER RUNNING.]
- Hi.
[LAUGHS.]
Sorry, Jay.
- Mm.
No.
Let me get out of here.
- Getting ready? - Yeah.
Wait, let me check these out.
My guns? Big Second Amendment fan, I see.
Yeah, I support women voting.
Yeah, I'm an ally.
[BOTH LAUGH.]
You're funny.
You guys make me want to go to your gay party.
I wish we were going to a gay party.
It's my cousin Hong's sweet sixteen.
Frankie's my date.
What about Jason? No, Jason, they can't come.
They, uh, do not exist in that world.
Frankie's my "girlfriend" and has been since we were 13.
Call me old-fashioned, but when it comes to gay beards, Frankie is not the person who springs to mind.
[LAUGHS.]
I know, right? They'll be perfect.
[BOTH CHUCKLE.]
Frankie's not the one I'm worried about.
Well it is "don't ask, don't tell" with my parents.
So they don't know.
And I don't plan on telling them.
- Hmm.
- I'm fine.
I just have to wait a couple more years and then I'll be free.
You're running out the clock on your childhood.
That breaks my heart.
Well, it's sad, but I can probably tell them when my grandpa dies.
- He's getting up there.
- How old is he? Fifty-six.
Oh, yeah.
[LAUGHS.]
He's really getting up there.
[BOTH LAUGH.]
[EXHALES.]
Well, I want you to know that you have shelter here, okay? This is the place that you can come and get gay rainbows blown up your ass.
Thank you.
[SNIFFLES.]
That means a lot.
Honestly, the truth is, my parents are the ones in the closet.
They're pretending to be the parents of a heterosexual boy, and, well no.
- No! - [LAUGHS.]
- [PHONE RINGING.]
- It's my dad.
[SPEAKING VIETNAMESE.]
[WHISPERING.]
: If I could just.
.
Yes.
That's a beautiful language, but I got to go poop.
DUKE: Mom, can I just have ramen with a jammy egg? "Easy cut.
" Yes.
Duker, I'm a little jealous of your ramsens.
Uh, ram-sam-sam.
[SNIFFING, INHALING.]
- Mmm.
- Mm-hmm.
Mm-hmm.
- What? - This is nice.
The best.
- Full house tonight.
Fun.
- Yes.
- Okay, but you're hovering.
I need - Oh space.
It's like Whac-A-Mole.
Frankie goes, Frankie comes back.
Duke goes, Max goes, Max comes back.
And you know she has really been going through it.
What a relief.
You know.
Yeah.
[CLEARS THROAT.]
Yeah, I know.
What do I know? Nothing.
I have eyes.
I know.
You know about the tattoo? Yes.
The tattoo.
Nothing.
N-Nothing.
What are you talking about? What are you talking about? [EXHALES.]
Regarding Max.
Oh, God.
Oh, God, oh, God.
Please just spit it out.
What? I have to tell you something.
Remember Back to School Specials? Remember? Honey She didn't have mono.
What? She was eating banana sandwiches.
With mayonnaise.
Oh, God.
[EXHALES.]
Oh Oh, God.
Oof.
[FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING.]
Duke, just Can you give us a minute alone, please? - Mom.
- Duke.
- Fine.
- Wait, wait, wait, wait.
Come back, get your jammy ramen egg.
Okay.
Okay.
Okay.
Tell me.
No.
No, don't tell me.
Don't tell me.
Just Just tell me, is everybody okay? Is everyone okay? And also, I don't want to know where the tattoo is.
- Okay.
Got it.
- [EXHALES.]
A few weeks ago, Max red-phoned me.
Okay.
So I showed up.
And I was there for her.
And she asked me she told me, if she hadn't told you in a month, then I should tell you, and so I'm telling you.
She was trying to work up the balls, eggs.
To tell me? To tell me? I promised That really hurts my feelings.
I know.
[EXHALES.]
Is she okay? You were there.
You were with her? Okay, so what I can do? What-what, what-what Slow down.
Slow down.
Okay, just tell me.
Tell me about Tell me.
Tell me what happened.
No! No, no.
No.
Don't.
Just don't.
Don't, don't, don't, don't.
Just don't tell me.
It's better.
It's better.
It's better.
[TAPPING.]
[SIGHS.]
All right.
Okay.
All right.
I just want you to tell me.
Just want you to tell me.
Okay, I want you I want you to tell me.
I want you to tell me.
[EXHALES.]
No.
No.
No.
I don't.
I don't.
I don't.
Don't.
It's better.
It's better.
It's better.
It's better.
It's better.
Just promise that you'll tell me everything one day.
When I'm in a coma.
[LAUGHS SOFTLY.]
[BOTH SPIT THREE TIMES.]
I mean, what am I - What did we - Okay.
Okay.
Okay.
[GRUNTS.]
There you go.
We just pick ourselves up [WHISPERS.]
: and dust ourselves off.
Okay.
L'chaim.
She's got so much blues Her best friend can't help her Her best friend's a woman How can a woman help her? Woman's got the blues [CHEERING, LAUGHTER.]
- SAM: Oh, my God.
- RICH: Oh, man She just feels like crying SAM: Yes.
Hand.
Over here.
- MARION: Over here, please.
- SAM: Over here.
What are your intentions with my child? I've got no intentions whatsoever.
I didn't think so.
JASON: Bring me a hot plate.
And I cannot wait to try your Bánh tiêu.
I love you.
Woman's got the blues Love you, too.
FRANKIE: Mom, the house smells so good.
Can you please save me some food? You know dis.
Look at that tush! - Yes, look at both of the - Poke it out.
SAM: "Better poke it," is that something the kids say? - Yeah.
- You better poke it out.
- I don't want to poke it - JASON: You better poke it.
RICH: Are you happy, Jason? Are you living your truth, honey? You good? JASON: Actually, my truth is, Jason's my deadname.
I want to go by Jerza.
Thank you for telling me.
I love Jerza.
Long live Jerza.
Come and try the prawns! Feels like dying - Magic! - Magic! Magic.
Mm.
Do you want some nuts? Do you want rice? So picky.
SAM: Isn't it good? Thank you! Woman's got the blues, hey - LUKE: Nice.
- [ROCKY LAUGHS.]
ROCKY: Was that Frankie's mom? [CLOCK TICKING SOFTLY.]
[FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING.]
[DOOR OPENS.]
[PANTING.]
[LAUGHS.]
: Mommy! [CRYING.]
: Mommy Hi.
Whoa.
Mom.
SAM: Mm.
Oh.
Oh.
[GRUNTS.]
Honey.
Hey I love you.
- Are you okay? - Mom - Oh - I'm fine, I'm fine.
Okay.
[GRUNTS.]
SAM: Honey.
Honey.
Oh Mom, we need to pick up my car tomorrow.
Why? Why? Did something happen? God, Mom, no.
I had Paisley drop me off.
I am responsible.
Paisley says I'm fumed, but I'm not fumed.
- No - I'm here! I'm not fumed.
- Yes.
Okay.
- [MOANING.]
[LAUGHS.]
: Okay.
My tolerance is getting low because I'm old now.
You're not old, honey.
You're not old.
- Not like "you" old.
- Uh-huh.
Uh - Mom? - Yeah.
Yeah.
Did you ever do something or [SNIFFLES.]
Make a decision you couldn't go back on? Um, yes.
Three of 'em.
[INHALING SHARPLY.]
Mom! - Mom, I love you so much, Mom.
- Oh - I love you so much, Mom.
- Oh - Okay.
- Mom.
Honey, whatever you had to drink, you have my permission to drink it again.
- [SHUSHES.]
Mom, no.
Mom.
- Drink it again - Okay.
- You're ruining it, Mom.
- Ow.
- I love you so much.
Listen to me, listen to me, Mom.
- Okay.
Oh - Mom, listen to me.
I would die if you died.
I would kill myself.
I would kill myself! - Okay.
- I would, actually, I would.
Mom.
Mom, I love you, I love - Okay.
Okay.
- Mom, I love you.
Okay.
O-Okay.
Oh, my Wow.
Okay.
Eh [GRUNTS.]
Mom! Do not die.
[GRUNTS.]
Okay.
Oh [EXHALES.]
Okay.
[GRUNTS.]
Oh [SHUSHES.]
[GRUNTS SOFTLY.]
Very wet.
["COUNT THE TEAR DROPS" BY CORRINA REPP PLAYING.]
Oof.
I'll count the teardrops Hold out Your hands [GRUNTS.]
My gracious.
[SIGHS.]
Hold out Your hands Let's give them a name Give them A name