Big Mouth (2017) s05e07 Episode Script

1
[soft grunts]
[moaning]
[Walter] She has always found
a way to hurt you, Nick.
You wrote her a heartfelt melody,
and she rejected you quick.
-Maybe you were just a joke…
-[gasping]
…and Judd was always her pick.
-[laughing]
-She humiliated you
-worse than when everyone saw…
-Ahh!
-…your tiny little dick.
-[all laughing]
[truck revs, honks]
-Huh?
-You're having a nightmare about me?
-So pathetic.
-[grunts] Ew. I'm stuck! What is this?
You're standing in the middle
of the road like an idiot!
-[laughs]
-What the fuck? Jessi? [screams]
-[gasps]
-[deep voice growls] Glazer…
-Walter?
-[roars]
Walter? What happened to you, man?
Jessi did this to me.
I was a gorgeous butterfly,
and she turned me into this horrid worm!
Yeah, because she's a goddamn nightmare.
You hate her. Don't you, Nick?
I wish she'd get really bad diarrhea
and then vanish.
Zip-zap, she treats you like crap.
We want her to take a permanent dirt nap.
Oh, man, this is gonna be a scary episode.
I hope I don't spill my popcorn.
A-booga-booga-booga, bitch!
[screams] My popcorn!
["Changes" by Charles Bradley plays]
I'm going through changes ♪
I'm going through changes ♪
Oh, in my life ♪
Oh! Ooh! Ooh! ♪
-[caws]
-[people clamoring]
-Cheater, cheater, pussy eater!
-Ew!
Save some snatch for the rest of us!
Dang, Missy, your rumor worked!
The whole school's
going medieval on Ali and Jessi.
If V is for "Vendetta", then M is for
"Motherflippers shouldn't have
stolen my affinity group!"
Die from shame, you heathen scum!
-Ow!
-[all cheering]
[Missy chuckles, snorts]
Firefly, what's so funny
on your cellular device?
Oh, uh, nothing much.
Just looking at Instagram.
Lie to 'em, girl!
Ooh! Say it's a new Internet challenge
where people draw eyes on their balls,
then smush their dicks
down between their balls
so their genitals look like Squidward!
-[giggles]
-Share some of those giggles, Don Rickles.
Um, it's just a meme
where SpongeBob is wiping the counter
with a tiny version of himself.
Well, that's clever because he's a sponge!
Now, c'mon, girl. Let's refresh
the comments every 30 seconds.
-Give me some.
-Blue Cross Blue Shield just followed me.
Get into it, influencer!
Look, I know you guys thought
Charles Lu was awesome…
He gets that magic is the perfect storm
of art, science and sex.
See, the problem was I wanted him
to swallow me whole like a pelican,
but in the end,
he wanted to wet-shit me out
all over the pier like a common seagull.
That's tragic, Jay. Like my life.
No! It helped me realize
that I have a boner for intimacy,
and the only one who can
jack my heart off is Lola Skumpy.
But how will you win her back?
Money? Jewels? A romantic indie rock song?
Guys, I think it might be time
to perform the ultimate magic trick.
Sawing your finger in half,
then having your cock double in size,
but now your cock has a fingernail?
Todd, that's an amazing trick, but no.
I'm gonna admit that I was wrong.
I wish you
the most sensual of fortunes, Jay.
Thank you, Paul.
And I hope that pawn shop
gives you good money
for your missing daughter's ukulele.
Ah, another goddamn day.
-Hey.
-Jesus, Nick, you don't look so good.
Did you drink too much water before bed
and you stayed up all night
pissing with a big water belly?
-Jessi's such a bitch!
-Whoa! Nick!
What? She knew Ali had a girlfriend
and then she fucking teased me.
-Fucking bitch.
-Oh, Nick, man, that's just a rumor.
It's just a sexy,
girl-on-girl, jailhouse rumor.
No, it's not sexy! Jessi is trash.
And if you don't see that, then fuck off!
What a little asshole.
Let's curb stomp his fat mouth!
No, I'm taking the high road now, okay?
Oh, God, you're still doing
that "Tender Andrew" thing?
I am, and the view up here is pretty nice.
You can look down girls' shirts
and see their sternum!
Ah, yes, the sternum.
The jail of the heart,
but the foundation for them titties.
-[news theme plays]
-Good morning!
Our top story today,
Ms. Benitez got dropped off
at school by her new boyfriend,
and he's got a ponytail.
But first, I had a quick conversation
with the victims of a vicious rumor.
Jessi, Ali, how are you gals holding up?
Well, thank you for asking.
I have to say,
this whole situation sucks and is unfair!
And I didn't cheat on Samira.
Jessi is-is just a friend.
-There is no water in my mug.
-Water is for guests, Caleb.
Now, Jessi, if Dr. PlainTalk were watching
right now from the medical facility
where they practice gossip,
what would you say to them?
I would say I don't know why you're
trying to besmirch our reputations,
but all you're really doing
is making our friendship stronger.
And if I find you, you little fucker,
I'm gonna twist your nipples off,
wear them as earrings,
and everyone's gonna be like,
"Ooh la la, Ali, who are you wearing?"
"Oh, these? Just some little fucker!"
"Little fucker"?
Oh, hell no! You a big fucker.
That's right! I fuck big!
Jessi's so full of shit.
"Oh, I don't like you.
Oh, look at my red hair. Nyuh!"
Yeah, Jessi is full of shit, actually.
Did you hear
the way she said "besmirched"?
It's like, we get it.
Your parents are divorced.
You're filling a void
with vocabulary words. Congrats.
Yeah, that's totally
what's happening there. And it's sad!
Ha-ha! This girl is on fire!
Hey, nice to meet you, I'm Rochelle.
Rochelle, it's me, Walter Las Palmas.
Oh, shit! Walter! You look amazing now!
-How'd you turn into such a bad bitch?
-Do you like?
I've been on this hate diet all week.
I just eat cookies and talk shit.
Before, you were so annoying
being all nice.
-I agree.
-Now you look like wet garbage
'cause you got some hate in your life.
I'mma cry. Thank you so much.
What I tell you?
Let the love go and let the hate overflow.
Wow! It's really sweet
to see Nick and Missy reconnecting.
This is a nice episode.
[in gruff voice] You have a dead onion
in your skull, you know that?
And you, you at home,
you're laughing at this block of wood?
You're all complicit.
That's right, I'm a bad fucking mitten,
and this is the hate episode.
Now eat this fucking light bulb,
you ass fuck.
[normal voice] Okay!
[munches] Oh!
-It's giving me an idea.
-[dings]
I think I'm gonna poop blood later.
All right, does anyone have any questions?
-[clamoring]
-That aren't about my boyfriend
-with the ponytail.
-[all groan]
Excuse me,
I have a delivery for a Lola Skumpy.
Someone sent her
a 40-year-old jacked magician.
Mmm, I'll let this play out.
You know what?
I also would like to see
where this is going.
-Lola Ugfuglio Skumpy.
-What?
I was wrong about everything,
and I owe you an apology.
Listening.
-See, I want to give you my heart.
-Hmm.
The only problem is
it's stuck inside of my guts.
-Todd, if you will.
-[Todd] Mm-hmm.
[chainsaw revs]
-[screams]
-[students gasp]
-[all exclaim in disgust]
-That's actually, like, very sweet.
[students exclaim]
Ha-ha! I live!
My death may have been fake, Lola,
but the pain of being apart from you is…
very real.
Come back to me, my queen.
I yearn to taste the earth from your feet.
How else will I know where you've been?
But how do I know I can trust you?
For I've been burned before.
Mainly from eating
Totino's Pizza Blasts from the microwave
while they're still, like,
very much in the microwave.
Ooh, your lack
of impulse control is so hot.
Oh my God, we should move in together!
-I was thinking the exact same thing!
-Really?
Uh, yeah!
Ms. Benitez, if you will
kindly unroll your cigarette, please.
-"Lola plus Jay equals house."
-[claps]
Oh, my God, Jay!
-I will totally house with you!
-I can't believe this is happening!
Oh, my God, Jay,
you thought of everything!
And you know what? I know just the place.
Okay, but it has to be two bedrooms
because I need a home office.
My Etsy shop for unlicensed Hamilton merch
is, like, blowing up. [chuckles, snorts]
[both giggle]
-[both giggle]
-I don't like this!
Yeah. Everybody's staring at us.
And not in a sexy way, like when you
walk up to Seann William Scott and say,
"Excuse me, did you,
Seann William, drop this?"
And Sean looks down,
and you're holding his dick.
Mmm, no, Connie,
it's not like any of what you just said.
Guys. I heard Ali spread
Jessi's boobs so far,
-her areolas touched in the back. Boop!
-[laughs]
Get the fuck out of here, Lars!
When I get my hands
on whoever started this rumor,
it's gonna be titty-twist city!
-[imperceptible]
-I have a tingle in my tummy
telling me
a slimy little fucker is behind this.
-[both chuckle]
-Yeah, I'm starting to feel that same
"slimy little fucker" tingle.
I have a tingle in my tummy too!
I put a remote control vibrator
in my vagina.
I bet you can't guess
who's controlling it.
Seann William Scott?
No, it's Jason Biggs.
I asked him to give it to Seann William,
and he kept it for himself.
I would like to propose
a toast to Dr. PlainTalk.
Whoever that guy is, he is a genius.
Tell him it's you, Missy. Get that glory!
Well, let me bust up your gender norms,
because that guy is a girl!
-What?
-And that girl is Missy, and Missy is me!
I'm confused.
I'm Dr. PlainTalk.
I started the rumor.
I made it up from my brain.
I'm a fucking maniac! [chuckles]
Holy shit. You? Missy?
Ms. Missy if you're nasty. Uh, which I am.
-Yes, honey!
-Come on, Miss Nasty!
Nick and Missy?
Yeah, it's, uh… It's kind of weird, right?
You do know that
according to the bro code,
you'd be well within your rights
to pull his tongue so hard
that his asshole comes out
of his fucking mouth.
And while that may be
a fun visual for everyone,
for all we know,
they're just having a friendly lunch.
Well, I'm still gonna do
that tongue thing to Rick.
What tongue thing?
-[Maury grunts]
-[screams]
-[splats]
-Uh-oh, I'm made of SpaghettiOs!
-[chittering]
-Hey! Gentle with my castle, you idiot!
And you, put that
Gronk Bobble-Butt on my nightstand.
He's got that Gronk-a-donk
that makes my Lola lumps plump!
What the fuck, Jay?
-You're back? And who's this girl?
-Who's this fucking genie?
I'm not a genie. I'm a ghost!
I'm Duke Ellington! ♪
Well, if you're Duke Ellington,
then I'm Queen Shit, so smell my ass!
Ooh, isn't she the best?
And wait till you peep her feet.
-[laughs]
-Hey, man, I get it.
-[piano plays]
-There's something about ♪
A mean blonde lady ♪
-That makes your wisp stiff, baby ♪
-[boings]
Zip it! None of your boring music,
you dead dud.
Only Anna Kendrick's "Cups"
is allowed in my house!
Sweet Lord, please kill me again.
[chuckles]
Attention! Attention, everyone.
In an obvious effort
to steal Lola's thunder,
Devon and I have also decided
to repair our relationship.
Of course Devon went back
to her like a little bitch.
Yeah, those two
are really perfect for each other.
Mazel Tov to Mr. and Mrs. Who Cares!
Sweetie, we care.
You wanted to kiss Devon's pee-pee
with your vee-vee. Or your lippies.
Dude… [exhales]
…I had one crazy rager with the boys,
and realized I am too old
for the street life, man.
Devon, nobody cares
about your thought process.
Good to be back, babe.
This is the structure I crave.
You know what I crave?
Devon getting diarrhea and vanishing.
Oh, my God. Yes!
And then Devin slips on the diarrhea,
and she's like, "Ooh! Whoa! Whaa!"
And then she breaks her neck. I love that!
[all celebrating]
Damn! You wicked worm!
Hating with you is,
like, uh, the most fun!
Right back at you, boo!
Missy, I feel like
we're the only ones who get--
Like, how stupid and lame everyone is?
Yes! Exactly!
-Fuck yeah!
-[punk rock music plays]
Smug little skanks who stick together
With their stuck-up attitudes ♪
Coldhearted bitches
That could do much better ♪
But they only like dumb, hot dudes! ♪
Selfish little hussies
And their boy-toy tools ♪
Dipshit bros
Who are pussy-whipped fools ♪
[both] Fuck you
All you shit-head, loser scum! ♪
-It feels so good to ♪
-Hate, hate, hate ♪
-Want to see them cry from my ♪
-Hate, hate, hate ♪
-They can fudge off and die when I ♪
-Hate, hate, hate ♪
Oh, I cannot deny that it ♪
[both] Feels so good to hate! ♪
Beautiful people who claim to be nerds ♪
Co-opting, wannabe feminist turds ♪
Arty-farty posers
Fakes and pretenders ♪
Vapid social media influencers ♪
A world full of losers
Jerks and pricks ♪
They can all go
To H-E-double toothpicks ♪
Oh, I hate, hate, hate ♪
You idiot sheep, I just ♪
Hate, hate, hate ♪
Every jackass creep and I ♪
Hate, hate, hate ♪
I hope you die in your sleep ♪
Yeah, it feels so good to hate ♪
Just say, "Fuck it!"
It feels so good to hate ♪
You all can suck it!
It feels so good to hate ♪
-[clatters, shatters]
-[feedback whines]
Whoa, look at you!
Right?
I feel thick in all the right places.
Your hate nourishes me, Nick!
Holy shit, Missy.
Nick looks so hot
with his Sid Vicious hair.
Let's attach a leash to that spiked collar
and hide a pill for him
in some peanut butter!
No, Mona, we're not being horny,
we're being hateful.
Can't we be both?
Hey, when I want a slut's opinion,
I'll ask for it.
Why don't you go get lost
and play cricket or some shit.
Is that how you feel, Missy?
Slut says what?
Well, fuck you, then!
Bye, ho! We don't need
that walking Daily Mail article.
-We already have the perfect crew.
-Damn right!
I hope she ODs!
And then pulls through,
taking the recovery time
to work on herself. Ahh! Bitch!
Okay. Potential Dr. PlainTalk suspects.
Devin LeSeven,
Rabbi Paulblart's adult son Leore…
Honestly, I think it might have been Nick.
Of course!
He's probably pissed
because you told the whole school
he makes your pussy
want to sew itself shut.
Okay, that is not what I said.
It's what I heard.
If Nick did this,
I will never be able to forgive him.
-I--I will just--
-You'll hate his fucking guts?
Well, that seems a tad harsh.
Maybe, maybe not.
Do you wish ill on Nick?
Do you want him dead like a doornail?
-I don't know!
-[truck revs]
-Jessi, help!
-Nick?
So you gonna
flatten the little shit or what?
Yeah, you gonna be a bitch
and run me over like a bitch, you bitch?
Dude, what is your problem?
Do you want me to hit you?
Seems like he does.
[suspenseful music building]
-No!
-[tires screech]
Ugh! Nick is being such a dick right now,
but I guess I don't want him to die.
Huh, so you don't completely hate him.
Yeah, that seems to be…
-[buzzing]
-What's going on?
-Connie, what's happening?
-Whoo! Jason Biggs just made me cum.
Yeah, I'm--I'm never
gonna get used to saying that.
Alright, just gonna hang out
at Nick's house like normal.
Or you could burn the house down.
Might not even mention how weird it was
that he and Missy
were having lunch together.
Or you could mention it while you're
pissing on his tiny, charred corpse.
No, no, I'm just gonna say hi. Okay?
-I'm just gonna… Whoa, Nick!
-Hey, Andrew. Shut the door.
Darrell, get out of here, man. It's scary!
What the hell are you two doing in here?
-If you're having sex, I hope it's safe!
-No, it's not like that, Andrew.
We're shitting
all over Jessi's bitch face.
Check it out, I photoshopped her mugshot.
Ooh, send me that.
I'll post it on Dr. PlainTalk.
Whoa! You're Dr. PlainTalk?
Oh, the doctor is a woman!
She must be a gynecologist.
This was a good riddle.
Missy, I never figured you for a troll.
I'd get off your high horse
if I were you, Fart Boy.
You're the poster child
for yucky behavior.
Yeah, but nobody wants to touch
the poster because it's covered--
"Covered in my jizz." I know that line.
We're all having fun
at ol' Andrew's expense.
Well, that's what the show is, dumb ass.
Hey, hey! Don't you dare
undercut what we're doing here.
This show is middle-aged people playing
masturbating children with big feelings!
And they get their periods!
Wait, Maury,
have we done a queefing episode?
No, there's no queefing episode.
I keep pitching it.
-It'd be funny.
-Right?
Well, this big, fat masturbator
and his big feelings are hurt right now.
So, what are you gonna do, cry about it?
Oh, are you a crybaby?
You know what, "friends" in quotes?
Being here is bad for my anger sobriety.
Well, good! Don't let the door
hit your lumpy butt on the way out.
Okay! Well, now I know you're just jealous
because I've got cheeks for weeks,
and you both just have flat kid ass.
[rasping]
Hey, babe, Steve's gonna pop by
for a drink before dinner. Is that cool?
Oh, that's great. I'll start heating up
some almond milk on the radiator.
Hey. [kisses]
What was that for, you stinky stud?
I love you, Lola Ugfuglio Skumpy.
Well, for peak's sake, I love you,
Jayzerian RicFlairian Bilzerian.
Oh, my God. You said it! You love me?
Like, duh!
Whoo!
Jay is loved! Jay is loved!
My dad was wrong.
We're in such, like,
a healthy place right now, Jay.
I agree.
Coming home to a woman who loves me,
stealing dinners from the Birch's kitchen…
This is exactly what I was missing when
I was deep-tonguing down with Charles Lu.
Hold on. Pause.
Play that back one more time!
No, no, it's cool.
It happened after we broke up.
Charles Lu?
In fact, sucking on his mouth snake
is what made me realize
how much I missed your mouth snake.
So what do you say
we pay a visit to the reptile house?
-[grunts, screams]
-[muffled]
I'll fucking kill you, Jay!
-[thuds, muffled arguing]
-What's going on upstairs?
Oh, Jay and his girlfriend
moved into the attic.
-What?
-Oh, yeah.
I said it was okay because any girlfriend
of Jay's is a daughter of mine.
-I'll tear your face from your skull!
-[grunts]
Jesus, babe, are you mad
because Charles is a guy?
-What is this?
-How dare you insinuate that!
I am nothing if not a future gay icon.
My pubes are even gay!
-Uh, we're just British, Your Majesty.
-We've explained this several times.
I'm upset because
you were supposed to be mourning me,
but instead you were scorning me!
So you're saying you wouldn't have
made out with the hottest guy in school
if it was offered to you?
How dare you speak of
someone else's hotness in front of me!
I'm taking back my "I love you"!
Stop quoting my dad's wedding vows!
I will not, and I want you out
of our humble abode!
Oh, you can't throw me out
because, baby, I'm outta here!
Charles Lu might not have
given me the intimacy I ache for,
but at least he wasn't a fucking psycho!
[screams] I am not a psycho!
With my gay pubes as my witness,
I will get my vengeance, Jay!
[knight] We're not gay,
Your Majesty, we're just British!
What's the difference?
[school bell rings]
Hey, fat tits!
Oh, God! [chuckles] Okay!
Whatever you do,
I want you to be as rough as possible.
[chuckling] There are no limits.
And my safe word is "Mama's calzone."
Ew, gross! Now where's
your little fucker of a friend?
He owes me nipples!
What friend? Who?
Don't play dumb, dummy!
We know Nick started the rumor.
Oh, no, Nick didn't start that rumor.
[chuckling] I know who did,
though, but I'm so shy.
I can't disclose that information unless
you make me almost pass out from pain.
-[grunts]
-Oh, fuck! Yes.
Okay. Missy did it. She's Dr. PlainTalk.
-[grunts]
-Oh, outrageous!
What? Missy started the rumor?
Oh, God, we knew
Nick hated you, but Missy?
Why would she hate me?
Missy hates you?
I wonder who else hates you.
I don't-- I don't know.
Well, so far, we've got Nick,
Michael Angelo, Cantor Dina, Tito,
Lizer, the cheese girl, the cheese baby!
Why do all these people hate me?
-Is it possible you're a bad person?
-Oh, he's got a point.
I've often worried about that!
Oh, God.
Probably best to just curl up
and fall asleep for a week.
-The world could use a break from you.
-They'll be happy you're gone!
-There's too many creatures in your head!
-Yeah, this does seem like a lot.
[Jessi] Oh god, I can't breathe.
-[screams]
-Hey, honey, Jessi. You okay?
I don't know, are you?
I will be, once I fucking kill Missy!
-[phones chiming]
-Oh, snap. Lola's up in my DMs.
It's an AirDrop, Lump, we all got it.
And it's a video of Jay?
Here we go, ready? Coin…
[claps] No coin.
[laughs] See?
Much like The Giving Tree,
I'm positively stumped.
-[chuckles] More like "Skumped"!
-However does it work?
Babe. I can do the tricks for you,
but it's against the magician's code
to tell you how to do it.
No, that's okay.
I totally respect your code.
You know what?
Fuck it. I trust you, Lola. [chuckles]
-Okay, here's how you do the trick.
-No!
Fuck! No, no, no!
-Throw your phones out the window!
-The secret is…
-[Jay screams]
-I hide it in my ample foreskin.
[all gasp]
-[Jay] No!
-[Jay on video] See?
Lola! Why the fuck would you do that?
Because I'm a psycho. Remember, Jay?
Yeah, but you can't be
sending videos to people of Jay's dick.
I think that's a crime.
I don't give a shit
that everyone saw my dick!
That's right. The brilliance
of my diabolical plan
is that I revealed how he does
his stupid magic trick.
Oh, no, I broke the Magician's Code.
I'll be disgraced.
How could you do this?
You called me a name,
so I ruined your life.
Your move, David Copperfuck.
-[sad music plays]
-I have no more moves. You've broken me.
You win, Lola.
The magic is gone.
Good. So, like, mission accomplished.
[chuckles weakly]
Go, Lola.
Oh, my God, did you see
Jessi's purple fucking shirt today?
-She's such a tease.
-[chuckles] Yeah.
Wait, what? Did you say "tease"?
Yeah, she's a total slut.
She led me on and then rejected me.
Jessi definitely sucks,
but I don't know
if she actually led you on.
Oh, really? She touched my arm.
Ooh! Okay. Well, let's unpack that,
because I'm not so sure that's
a very fair thing to hate someone for.
Who is this one
to tell us how to hate Jessi?
She called me ugly in front of everyone
after I professed my love!
-She said she wasn't attracted to you…
-Ugh.
…after you, like, cornered her
in front of the whole class.
-Whatever!
-You basically pushed her to say it.
I was there, dude.
Okay, "dude".
What exactly did Jessi do to you?
Talk over you
at some stupid affinity group meeting?
Ooh, see? I never fucked with
that little Creamsicle Nick anyway.
-Uh, excuse you?
-[screeches]
Bitch! Jessi has been
running all over my girl.
Y'all new to this hatin' Jessi shit.
It doesn't matter who hated Jessi first.
What matters is
whose hateful flame burns the brightest.
And, girl, I am a phoenix
emerging from
Wendy Williams' morning matcha.
Do not let this little fuck
minimize what she did to you.
Jessi didn't just interrupt me, Nick.
She stole my whole group from me.
She's a jackal.
She's a cracker jackal. [hisses]
Because you roofied everybody comatose
with your boring-ass plans, you dork.
Well, a dork is a whale's penis,
and I would be proud to be
any part of that noble creature.
Only a dork would know that!
Wow, Jessi was right.
You are ugly inside and out.
No wonder she wouldn't
touch you with a ten-foot dork!
-Hey, Dr. PlainTalk, your nips are mine!
-[Missy gasps]
Yes, it's finally happening.
-Boop, boop.
-[yells]
-[both grunting]
-An altercation has started!
Yes, yes,
whoever wins gets me as a piss boy.
And whoever loses
gets to take a shit in his ass.
-What?
-Trust me, you want it.
Okay. Yeah.
Fuck the high road! Poop in my butt hole!
Take a bite of my Skechers, bitch!
-Hiya!
-[Ali] Ah!
-[boy] Whoa!
-Missy, stop! Please. Somebody help!
Shut up. Fuck you. Eat shit.
-[Benitez] Oh, my God.
-You want some more, huh? Screw you!
And screw Jessi too!
I hate you, Jessi!
-I hate it here! [crying]
-Missy is fucking crazy, okay?
She ripped out my permanent retainer.
I don't know what's going on with her.
She's so different.
That's hate, man.
It'll get inside you,
bring you to your knees,
and make you say shit
you never thought you'd say.
Just like Jason Big-ig-ig-ig-ig-ig-igs!
[in sing-song] Oh, God, not again!
[melancholy music plays]
What were you thinking, Lols?
What you did was a child pornography.
You're not my dad, Rodney!
-You're just my mom's parole officer.
-Hey!
And it's so obvious
that you're in love with her,
and FYI, she doesn't love anyone
who loves her back. [sniffles]
And that's not a lesson
that I want to learn right now.
Esteemed sorcerers, please!
You have to understand,
I--I was betrayed by the woman I love!
You chose the wand between your legs.
And now you must relinquish your wand
that's in your magician's JanSport.
I understand.
-Hi, Nicky. How was school?
-How was staying home and being stupid?
Oh, shut up. Fuck you. Eat shit.
Missy, I am at a loss.
It wasn't my fault. Jessi started it!
Enough! You're smoking marijuana,
getting into fights at school,
starting rumors?
This isn't the little girl we raised.
Well, you really have become a hateful,
loathsome creature, haven't you, Missy?
Maybe he's right.
I've never gotten in trouble
at school before.
You're an embarrassment and a disgrace!
-Oh!
-[grunts] Fuck that noise.
-You a bad bitch for choking out Ali.
-Really?
Hell yeah!
You don't need that crusty old wizard,
or your parents, or Nick, or anybody.
You got me, baby.
-Yeah, I do. [grunts]
-[whooshes, slithers]
-[Missy moans]
-[Cyrus] Well, Missy?
-What do you have to say for yourself?
-Missy?
[echoing] I fucking hate you!
[door slams]
-["IFHY" plays]
-I fucking hate you ♪
But I love you ♪
I'm bad at keeping my emotions bubbled ♪
You're good at being perfect
We're good at being troubled ♪
Yeah ♪
I fucking hate you ♪
But I love you ♪
I'm bad at keeping my emotions bubbled ♪
You're good at being perfect
We're good at being troubled ♪
Yeah ♪
[echoing] Girl, you fucking
With my emotions ♪
The fuck is all this noise about? ♪
I even considered picking up smoking ♪
You turned to a bitch
Who let the dogs out? ♪
But in my dog house ♪
My bitch is the raddest ♪
Crazy who makes me the happiest
Can make me the saddest ♪
Look, Alice
Let's get lost in your wonderland ♪
Fuck an atlas
You're perfectly perfect for me ♪
Yeah ♪