Bob Hearts Abishola (2019) s05e07 Episode Script

Previously on Bob Hearts Abishola
Oh, my God, you're having a baby?
I am!
I did not even know you
were dating someone.
I'm not.
These are potential sperm donors.
Oh, so you're not pregnant.
Not yet, but my womb is willing.
One might say "eager."
She's not capable of
raising a child by herself.
She has a lot more going for
her than I did when I had Dele.
No, it's different. You're you.
You're smart, independent, strong,
and she's
Come on, talk her out of it!
Just so you know, I will be there
every step of the way.
Thanks.
- Can I ask you something?
- Of course.
When did your maternal instinct kick in?
Honestly?
When you told me I'm having a grandkid.
-
- [TRANQUIL MUSIC PLAYING]
Let's start with a deep,
cleansing ujjayi breath.
A who?
[EXHALING SHARPLY]
Feel it in the back of your throat,
grounding you in space,
centering you in the present.
[EXHALING SHARPLY]
I don't see how this grounding
helps you get pregnant.
It increases blood flow
and readies the loins for fertilization.
Why am I doing this?
Let's just move on to goddess pose.
[BREATHES DEEPLY]
With every exhale,
feeling more grateful
for the support of my
vaginal sisterhood.
My uterus crew.
My fallopian family.
Okay. I need a break.
Oh, it can be a little tiring.
I am fine,
I just do not want to do this.
Yeah, this is kind of a dangerous pose
for someone who had
cheese for breakfast.
I thought you were here to help.
I was till it got weird.
Well, my fertility chakras
will receive more energy
if we do this as a group.
Says who?
Several podcasts.
There's no need for this nonsense.
The shots and the pills
are enough to prepare you.
Science isn't everything, Abishola.
Yeah, well, tell it to the guy
who's stirring up your test tube baby.
Where are my Chinese herbs?
- I threw 'em out.
- What?
They smelled like rotten leaves.
That's what they are.
Take it easy.
I'll go outside and
rake you up some more.
You know what? I am feeling stress,
and I do not want to feel stress.
Well, I got a fix for that.
- You got to do the Camel pose.
- What's that?
You lay down on the couch
and smoke a Camel cigarette.
[BOTH LAUGHING]
That was rude.
She needs to find a sense of humor pose.
["IFANLA" BY SOLA AKINGBOLA PLAYING]
[SIGHS] She's about to get pregnant,
and she throws out the two people
who have actually been through it.
Makes no sense.
You had one, I had four.
- Four?
- Bob was a fat baby. He counts as two.
So, we're off uterus duty.
You want to hang out?
Mm. I'm going to pick up
a shift at the hospital.
You just got a Get
Out of Jail Free card.
Why would you want to
walk into another jail?
What do you suggest we do?
Well, you are a married woman,
so that rules out the
first couple of ideas,
but I think we could
rustle up some trouble.
Okay. I'll rustle with you.
Attagirl.
You're in for a treat.
We just have to pick up my fiber pills,
then the world is our oyster.
Come on, it's just five percent.
We can find the savings somewhere.
I have a wonderful idea.
We're not firing anyone.
Damn it.
Perhaps if we brought
five percent more joy
into our workday,
the problem would take care of itself.
I know who we should fire.
I am doing the best I can.
That is what worries me.
All right, both of you knock it off.
We're going crazy just sitting here.
We need to clear our heads.
Okay. We will take a break.
That was nice. Back to work.
Grab your stuff,
we're going out to lunch.
I already ate lunch.
You had a granola bar
over the trash can.
Because we have important work to do.
Which will still be
here when we get back.
Well, I am in.
I meal-prepped lentils,
but they will keep.
Looks like you're outvoted.
- Fine.
- It'll be good for you.
Even God rested on the seventh day.
That part of the Bible
always bothered me.
I have never been to
a garage sale before.
No, no, no.
Garage sales are for
alive people's crap,
estate sales are for
dead people's treasures.
Well, I will not be buying
someone else's used items.
What? You don't like bargains?
I like bargains. I do not like cooties.
Well, you're gonna miss out on a lot.
The bereaved are terrible hagglers.
I once bought a diamond
necklace for $100
because the dead lady's daughter
"couldn't bear to look at it."
You should not prey on
other people's sadness.
[GASPS] This is real silver.
It's only $20?
I changed my mind.
This is worth the cooties.
See Mr. Weepy over there?
I can get it down to ten.
Yeah, I think I'm gonna go
with the short ribs.
Best thing on the menu.
Fish and chips for me, please.
Best thing on the menu.
And for you, sir?
We may be able to save money
if we reroute our
shipping through Indiana.
He'll have the club sandwich.
I hate those.
I always bite the toothpick.
Then look at the menu
and order something.
I just want to go back to the office.
We're not going anywhere
until we have a pleasant friggin' lunch!
Cowboy Burger, no mayo, extra pickles.
Ooh, extra pickles.
Look who let his hair down.
[CHUCKLES]
Oh, he's a pickle maniac.
Kofo! Do not tell people my business.
I'm not people, we're friends.
We are coworkers.
Come on, you see me more
than you see your wife.
She is not my friend either.
You know what? Keep your bad attitude.
Kofo and I are gonna enjoy ourselves.
Goodwin, your favorite, peach sangria.
Stop telling people what I like.
Honey, you can put
all that stuff up front.
Mm-mm. The moment I set this down,
one of these vultures will take it.
Look at you, you got the itch.
I'm scratching all over.
Do you do this a lot?
Every time one of my rich friends dies.
You knew this woman?
Oh, yeah. Awful lady.
I'm surprised they're not selling
- the stick she had up her ass.
- [CHUCKLES]
Please do not make me laugh.
The sad people are looking.
This is very nice cookware.
Well, I don't know why she had it.
She drank all her meals,
if you know what I'm saying.
[SHUSHES]
And she was sleeping with the neighbor.
She thought we didn't know.
That's the schmuck right there.
Hi, Herb.
You are terrible.
- Yeah, but it's fun.
- So fun.
[LAUGHS]
[PHONE RINGS]
Hey, Christina.
Hey, uh, I-I'm having a little issue
at the house, and I need some help.
You know you called Douglas, right?
Yes, you're my brother.
So is Bob.
He didn't answer.
What about Mom? Abishola?
They have too much negative energy.
And you need a positive ray of light.
I'll be right over.
Hey, Goodwin, is it okay if I?
Oh.
Huh.
Sweet. Free lentils.
I wanted to move to America
the first time I saw Top Gun.
You're saying you felt "the need,
- the need for speed."
- [LAUGHS]
That is a line from the film.
For me,
it was Ronald Reagan's
address to the nation in 1980.
Gonna be honest, I don't know
as many lines from that one.
"Americans awed by what has gone before,
"proud of
"what for them is still
a shining city on a hill."
My 11-year-old mind was blown.
Goodwin, buddy,
you are such a friggin' nerd.
If by "nerd" you mean
"Nigerian educated rad dude."
I am also rad.
Cheers. [LAUGHS]
You having fun?
I am in sangria heaven.
All it took was blowing
off a little steam.
To blowing!
You know what? To blowing.
[GLASSES CLINK]
It's mold, isn't it?
And I've been breathing it in for days,
so it's spread to my womb.
I think it's yogurt.
Yeah. Mango.
I am so stupid.
Sorry to waste your time.
It's cool, I like mango.
See you later.
[SIGHS] See you.
You okay?
Yeah.
Just don't know if I
should have a kid or not.
'Kay, bye.
What are you talking about?
You're gonna be a great mom.
You don't know that.
I have been sitting here,
freaking out about yogurt.
How am I gonna handle it
the first time the baby gets a fever
or poops a weird color?
That happens?
It's terrifying.
I'll send you the podcast.
Look, I know you're scared, but
that never stopped you before.
Remember when you quit MaxDot?
Yeah.
You weren't sure if that
was the right decision,
but you just went for it.
Because I was an idiot.
A brave idiot.
Thank you.
I wanted to quit MaxDot once.
Couldn't do it.
When?
Ugh, couple years ago when Mom
demoted me to the warehouse.
[SIGHS] Yeah, that was awful.
Everyone laughing behind your back.
They were?
No.
I would have left, but I just
I knew I had no chance
of getting a real job.
Yeah, but look at you now.
You're gonna be running the place.
Yeah. They'll call me if they need
someone to taste-test wall yogurt.
Come on. You have come a long way.
People listen to your ideas now.
You started a whole clothing line.
Oh, yeah, I forgot about that.
We're just late bloomers.
I like that.
- Hmm.
- Hmm.
Next time you need something,
you call me first.
Yeah, I probably won't.
Okay, good.
Damn thing won't open.
I told you not to buy it.
Says the lady with the box
full of fountain pen refills.
It was a smart purchase.
Now I just need a fountain pen.
Got it.
Whoa.
I guess the stick wasn't
all the way up her ass.
Is that marijuana?
And she was dying,
so you know it's the good stuff.
It is good to know that
before that woman died,
she was not feeling pain.
Or her legs.
Hand me the chips.
They are gone.
Well, who ate 'em all?
[LAUGHING]
You did.
[BOTH LAUGHING]
Oh, yeah.
[SNORTS]
Cannabis is so much stronger
than it was 20 years ago.
Wait. You've smoked before?
I lived in Amsterdam for two years.
Wow.
Did you ever go to the
Red Light District?
Once.
I was lost.
Sure.
Okay, twice.
Now you tell me a secret,
so we are even.
Okay. Fair enough.
Before I married Bob's father,
I had many lovers.
That is not a secret.
You talk about it all the time.
[SIGHS]
All right.
Between you and me?
Cross your heart, hope to die,
stick a needle in your eye?
I will not do any of that.
Just tell me.
Fine.
I don't like being alone.
It scares me.
Really?
When I went into work, it was easy,
there was always people around.
Now that I'm retired, it's different.
But you have your family.
[SCOFFS]
Bob and Douglas have their busy lives.
And when Christina has her baby,
she'll be too busy for me, too.
Well, I will never be too busy.
- So you will never be alone.
- Aw.
- Thank you, honey.
- Mm.
- What are we doing tomorrow?
- [LAUGHS]
No, no, no, no. I'm Maverick.
Then I am the Iceman.
And I am Dutch.
That is not from Top Gun.
No. It was Ronald Reagan's nickname.
Given to him by his father,
who said he looked like a fat,
little Dutchman.
I love that you know that.
However, let's roll up our sleeves
and show this five percent who's boss.
[CLEARS THROAT] The Zimbabwean dollar
has fallen in value.
Boy, you are filled with fun facts.
If we source our cotton from Zimbabwe,
we will maintain the
quality of our product
while saving eight percent on materials.
That is not going to work.
We need to save five percent, not eight.
That's a good point, buddy.
When did you come up with this?
Halfway through the chicken wings.
But I was having too much fun.
With your friends.
Yes.
Don't tell my wife.
Oh, thank goodness.
I found it!
I thought the hallway would never end.
Now try to act sober.
Christina can be a bit of a buzzkill.
- [LAUGHS] Okay.
- Shh. Just be cool, okay?
Police! Open up!
[BOTH LAUGH]
Can you keep it down? She's sleeping.
Douglas, what are you doing here?
Christina needed help.
So she called you?
Is that so hard to believe?
I love my sister, she loves me.
You are really blowing
my mind right now.
What is cooking?
Oh, she was feeling a little anxious,
so I made her some
broccoli cheddar soup.
It always makes me feel better.
What the hell is happening?
CHRISTINA: Douglas,
can I have some water?
I got you, girl.
Why are you looking at me like that?
Because you are sweet.
And it is weird.
CHRISTINA: Douglas?
I'm coming.
It's nice you guys stopped by,
but she's got to sleep.
You're kicking us out?
Yeah. I got this.
I'm a ray of light.
Okay, well, thanks for all your help.
You're welcome.
[SNIFFS]
Have you guys been partying?
Just a little bit.
This one's a terrible influence!
[VIDEO GAME SOUND EFFECTS]
- Hey.
- Hey.
Since when do you play video games?
Since I smoked marijuana
with your mother.
Very funny.
Christina was angry at us,
so we went to a house
and bought a pile of dead woman's things
and then found a magic jewelry box.
What did you do today?
Convinced a Nigerian
to take a long lunch.
Impressive.
Now come and race me.
You're on, lady.
We should spend more
time with your mother.
[CHUCKLES] You really are high.