Boston Legal s05e07 Episode Script
Mad Cows
- Previously on Boston Legal.
- Jerry you've made rather a point of saying that this is the year you will make partner.
There are many ways of getting that job done, Jerry.
Prancing around the office as Little Bo Peep is not one of the better ones.
Do you know what happens to lawyers who make partner, Jerry? They become locked in.
Lifers.
I'm not sure that's something you want.
Take off your pants, Denise.
See, you like to talk.
I don't.
I like to do.
Surely you jest.
My God, Denny.
Can you believe it? Election Day is almost upon us.
- You gonna vote? - Of course I'm gonna vote.
Aren't you? I've never missed a presidential election.
I'm usually right too.
I've been on the winning side eight times out of the last 11.
That's impressive.
Also an uncanny coincidence, since eight out of the last 11 have also gone Republican.
Do tell.
So you just always vote Republican? - I vote my values.
- So this week- I thought we weren't gonna go there.
[Laughs.]
You're right.
You're right.
Who are you- Alan.
Never mind.
I'm not looking to discuss it.
I just-Who? McCain.
- Seriously? - I'm serious.
McCain.
Ah.
- Denny - Alan! You're right.
I'm sorry.
It's just- - Come on.
- What would possibly possess- - Hey! - Sorry.
Forget it.
The important thing is that we both vote.
- That's right.
- To voting.
Hear, hear.
- It's just - Okay, that's it.
No, no, no, no, no, no.
How about this? I give you my word I will not speak.
I will not open my mouth if you'll just give me two reasons why you're voting forJohn McCain-just two.
- That's a discussion.
- No, it's not! One person talking does not a discussion make.
Just two reasons.
I won't talk.
Promise.
Okay.
If McCain wins, he'll help save the salmon.
- Wha - You're talking.
L- The wild salmon stocks in Canada are threatened either by climate change, fish farming, sea lice.
Once the salmon go, there goes half the ecosystem.
I don't need to tell you.
- And McCain will save them? - Not directly.
But the polls show that if McCain wins, it's like a third term of Bush.
A lot of Americans will emigrate to Canada.
The smart ones.
The intelligence level of Canada goes up and they'll figure out how to save the salmon.
- And the second reason? - Women are easier during a Republican administration.
It's a fact.
During Democratic regimes, volunteerism goes up.
Then you got a lot of women running around for this cause or that.
And they start to think that they have something to say.
Republicans tend to reinforce the idea that a woman's place is in the home, on her back.
Now I'm not even taking into account all the women that will be depressed if McCain wins.
Sad girls are easy girls.
I don't need to tell you.
They're vulnerable.
Salmon and women, Alan.
[Laughs.]
In the end, it's all about spawning.
Drill, baby, drill.
You vote your values.
- [Funk.]
- [Man Vocalizing.]
[Man.]
Uh-huh - All right - Boom.
Come on [Lips Pop.]
Come on All right Well, yeah Well, yeah Outlaw [Man.]
I think when you make that decision it might be well if you would ask yourself: Are you better off than you were four years ago? Is it easier for you to go and buy things in the stores? You called? I did.
I have a case I think you'll enjoy second chairing.
Oh, yes.
I so enjoy sitting in a courtroom all day long while you go on and on and on.
Why are you being so nasty to me? This happens to be a case you'll enjoy.
In fact, the client is a cattle rancher.
So far, so good? Will I be allowed to touch her? - The case involves mad cow.
- Does she have it? No.
'Cause that would give us a great deal in common.
Denny, slow down.
On her ranch, they test every cow to screen for mad cow.
Every cow.
- And? - And now the government won't let her.
- Why not? - Well, that's the question.
So we're suing the United States Department of Agriculture.
- It's an excellent cause.
- Great! Hey, Alan.
You ready? Carol, this is Denny Crane.
He'll be second chairing.
It'll be my mission in life to get you off.
I'm not charged with anything.
Even so, you're the best client I ever had.
- When shall I have you? - What is up with this guy? He likes to make a good first impression.
Yeah, well, he's running out of time.
Let's go.
This is it This is it This is life the one you get - So go and have a ball - Oh, my God.
This is it This is it - One day at a time - Da, da-da, da One day at a time - Jerry.
- Carl.
What can I do you for, big guy? - Sorry.
- Ever go to the 28th floor? Not if I can help it.
Do you know what happens on the 28th floor, Jerry? I was a tax attorney here for seven years, Carl.
I'm quite familiar with what goes on there.
Hmm.
Well, the 28th floor is where the big conference room is, Jerry- where they assemble all of the administrative partners.
You know who I mean.
The ones that have that silly annual meeting where they decide who makes partner.
Yes, Carl.
I get it.
What- [Lips Popping, Purring.]
Coo! Okay.
Now I've already recommended you.
- Whether that will be enough- - Will Shirley recommend me? She did.
But she's in Colorado at the moment - so she can't present herself in person.
- Why is she in Colorado? We have a- She has a second home there.
She figured since Massachusetts is in the bag that she should make her vote count.
Colorado's still up for grabs.
So she registered to vote there.
A bit odd, isn't it? Shouldn't it be about who gets the most votes - not which state the vote comes from? - That would be too easy, Katie.
- Congratulations, Jerry! - If I make it.
You'll make it.
It's your time.
- You! - And what is wrong with me? Ah, nothing.
You seem perfect- as delicious and repressed as ever in your crisply pressed blouse and- - Alan.
- Ah.
Denise.
How's the baby? - She's, um, wonderful.
- I see you got your figure back.
- I see you've kept yours.
- Sex later? - We'll talk.
- [Woman.]
All rise.
- Docket number 477 That was just lawyer banter.
I would never stray on you.
- [Woman.]
Department of Agriculture.
- Good morning, Your Honor.
It's us, your favorite litigants.
We're back again.
- I'm sure you're not surprised.
- No.
No, I am not.
Especially since once again you're suing the government.
- If I had a nickel for every- - How about this? We'll write you a check.
You rule in our favor.
It'll be just like old times.
Speaking of old times, look who's against us.
Denise Bauer, here to sweep us off our feet.
And check out our client.
She sweeps everybody off their feet.
Everywhere you look, it's sweeps, sweeps, sweeps.
- Do we write that check out to you personally, or [Gavel Raps.]
What is this stupid case about anyway? Judge, I'll tell you what it's about.
I run a cattle ranch.
I sell beef.
I test my cattle for mad cow disease.
I test every single animal.
The government's put a stop to it.
Why? Why? Because the other meat packers, the bigger ones- the ones that have bought and paid for the U.
S.
D.
A.
- they don't wanna test every cow- it's too expensive.
But if they don't test, they're afraid the consumer won't buy their meat.
I'm sorry, Your Honor, but if she's going to testify- - No, sweetie.
I'm not testifying.
- But you are in the narrative.
So if you'd like to take that chair up there, that's fine.
But I want my licks.
- Take a number.
- [Judge Brown.]
Hold on.
We will conduct an evidentiary hearing, and we shall conduct it forthwith.
Mr.
Shore, you can go first.
And you can put your expert up here.
Chugga, chugga, chugga, chugga, chugga, chugga, choo.
Chugga, chugga, chugga, chugga, chugga, chugga, choo.
Chugga, chugga, chugga, chugga, chugga, chugga, choo.
Chugga, chugga, chugga, chugga, chugga, chugga, ch- Katie, welcome.
Hello.
Hey.
That's a bit catchy, I must say.
[Chuckles.]
It's kind of a motivational chant.
An "I can do it" sort of thing.
It's possible the administrative partners will call me in for an interview - so I want to be ready.
- Ah.
Jerry, they've called me.
You? Why? I can't imagine.
I shouldn't think it's because I'm being considered for partnership.
I suspect they're asking me to proffer testimony of sorts on you.
Oh.
Well, what will you say? Well, only wonderful things, of course.
I'll tell them you're a very dear man who pops and purrs and chugga-chugga-choos with the best and the brightest.
Only wonderful things, I promise.
[Sighs.]
I've been waiting for this, Katie.
When I came back to this firm, it was mainly for this- to get something I was denied the first time.
Something I so rightly deserved.
Something I was gypped out of because- - Listen to me.
I sound like Hillary.
- [Chuckles.]
[Lips Popping.]
First of all, we have no real way of knowing how widespread mad cow disease is among humans.
The symptoms are similar to Alzheimer's.
So the diagnosis- Objection.
Your Honor, the witness is not competent to offer a medical opinion.
It's a lay opinion.
This is common knowledge that's out there.
We don't know.
So why not be safe? That's the policy at my ranch.
We want to test every cow so we can be safe.
How dare the federal government say I can't do so.
[Alan.]
Ms.
Hober, I think the government would argue that the testing of every cow isn't necessary since- So what? Why should they prohibit us from doing so if we're willing to bear the expense? - It's ludicrous.
- Ms.
Hober.
Look, even if you think our testing is overkill, I repeat, so what? The U.
S.
D.
A.
Testing requirements are pathetic.
- Why? - Let me put it this way.
Right now, slaughterhouses can pick which cow they choose to test.
It's voluntary.
So basically, they can cherry-pick the ones that look healthy, which is exactly what they do.
If one looks sick, think they're gonna test that one and risk getting their plant shut down? - It's a joke.
- The last study showed that fewer than one in one million adult cattle were affected with mad cow disease.
And that would make you feel better if you ate the bad burger? I want to make sure none of mine are infected.
And by the way, 95% of people are willing to pay the extra cost for that guarantee.
So why won't the government let me? Yes.
I believe you've made that point, Ms.
- Well, why don't I make another point? Okay? Maybe meat packers could make more money if they did test.
Because right now there are 65 countries that restrict imported U.
S.
Meat because the testing is so inadequate.
Ah, so now you want to tell them how to run their business? How about they not tell me how to run mine? What is up with the Department of Agriculture? Would somebody please fill me in? Besides maybe some giant bribejob? Oh, all right.
Try to be as unbiased as possible.
If you speak as a loyal friend, you'll be less persuasive.
- Just stay objective.
- Okay.
- And respectful.
- Unbiased, objective, respectful.
Got it.
Now we're not so much interested in old history.
Most of us are fairly caught up to the point where he attacked Shirley Schmidt with a knife.
He's been doing much better of late.
Yes.
And we see that he's had an excellent track record as a litigator.
Carl Sack and Shirley Schmidt have spoken highly.
But, Katie, Jerry has remained fairly segregated from almost everybody but you.
As you know, part of being a partner is people skills.
Jerry's are fine.
He may startle people at first with his various tics but anyone that spends more than a minute with him knows him to be a man of exemplary warmth and intelligence.
- Does he date? - Is that relevant? Not necessarily.
But we're told he was with a woman last year who left him for an iPhone.
That spoke more to her character flaws than his.
We're told he's had a relationship with an inanimate doll.
Uh, that was a prop of sorts for him to develop intimacy skills with women.
Which skills have improved.
He no longer sees the doll.
Why is it he walks around with his hands glued to his thighs? Jerry has Asperger's syndrome.
His ha- I'm not quite comfortable with the tenor of these questions.
If the purpose of this interview is to characterizeJerry - as some sort of weirdo who- - Katie, it's not that at all.
It's just- Just what? Jerry has various quirks and manners.
That makes him a bit different.
He's not odd.
He is not weird.
I should think you'd be privileged to have him.
Apartnership is a little different from employment, Miss Lloyd.
It's not just about his lawyering skills or whether he's a warm person.
It's about how well he fits in with the group.
Will we feel comfortable with each other? Will he blend in with others? - Will he- - Is that why I see no black people here? That was an inappropriate remark, Katie.
It's just when I hear "who we'll feel comfortable with" it brings up ugly overtones.
When I look and see an old, white establishment in this room and hear terms like "fitting in," it sounds a bit frightening.
Jerry Espenson could quite bring something to this table that might be lacking.
Better yet, needed.
I realize I'm British and might sound like a bit of a bigot when I say this, but why are Americans so bloody committed to the past or the present when everything is falling apart? You're all making less money.
Your reputation and status continues to plunge among law schools both here and abroad, and yet you're afraid of change.
- You don't need to get so upset, Katie.
- Maybe I do.
I was recruited to this firm with the various promises of progressiveness and tolerance.
It's a bit demoralizing to see behind all the talk the same old white boys' club plans to do business as usual.
I smell discrimination in the dusty air, and I'm not just annoyed.
I'm a bit appalled.
Objective and respectful.
Which part of that little diatribe- - I'm sorry, but when I hear Apologize toJerry.
He's the one you screwed.
- Not me.
- What's going on? What happened? I got a little cross with the administrative partners.
It did not go well, Jerry.
Oh.
Am I out? Uh, they want to meet with you.
Jerry, it's very important that you come off as reasonable, thoughtful as opposed to a pit bull with the lipstick.
Whatever they ask, simply respect the question not to mention the person asking it and then provide a sound, deliberate answer.
Basically, I'm telling you the same thing I so wish I had told Katie.
I'm so sorry, Jerry.
I don't think it went as badly as Carl suggests, but I did get cross with them.
What happened? Well, the questions implied that you were socially challenged and I'm afraid I took offense.
First of all, testing can't detect mad cow disease until shortly before the cow develops symptoms.
So? Well, cattle are typically slaughtered between 18 and 24 months of age.
And that's typically long before the disease is detectable.
Look, all this talk about testing, testing, testing- The reality is, testing can't make a difference.
So then why bother with testing at all, Mr.
Beavis? Well, I suppose if it's even possible it could help.
And let's face it.
The public wants to feel safe.
So if testing gives them some confidence in the meat industry, that's a good thing.
Okay.
Even if it's only possible that testing could help even if it only provides a psychological lift what grounds do you have for stopping my client from testing? - I'll tell you the grounds, wise guy.
- Wise guy? When she advertises that she tests every single one ofher cows - but she's the only one who does so- - Which is the truth.
She implies that her meat is safe, and that other meat isn't.
That is bad for the industry.
Yeah, but you didn't ban the advertising, Mr.
Beavis.
Or is it Butt-Head? You banned the actual testing itself.
And by the way, when did it become the goal of the Department of Agriculture to protect the meat industry? I always thought it was to safeguard the public.
- But then again, I'm a wise guy.
- Alan.
This disease kills- not just the cows, but people.
Have you ever had somebody you love die of mad cow? No.
And I'll bet neither have you.
It may very well be that somebody I love- There could be many, many people out there diagnosed with Alzheimer's that in fact ate bad beef.
Look, if you say that outside this court, you're gonna get your ass sued.
I mean, do you think you're bigger than Oprah? - If you want to sue me, go ahead.
- It won't be me.
- It'll be the American Cattle Association.
- Same thing though.
American Cattle, Department of Agriculture.
Objection.
And what's with you? I never object to you.
In fact, I quite approve- - Alan- - Why can't she test her cows? What's the federal government trying to hide? Alan, it's not fair.
Just because you're in front of a judge who's afraid of you doesn't give you the right to exploit the situation.
Who says I'm afraid of him? He does.
He used to say it to me all the time.
"If you rant long enough, Judge Brown will cower.
" Um, "namby-pamby" I believe is the word that he used.
Judge, I never said- - How dare you! - She's making that up.
- No, I'm not.
- Silence! We'll see who's afraid! - It's me.
I'm afraid.
I never- - Silence! - You lied.
- Did I? Oh, I'm sorry.
Well, that was a sneaky move by Denise.
Sneaky, unscrupulous, crafty.
- Worthy of us.
- Exactly.
She's deliberately trying to fluster me.
- Ask her how Brad is.
- What? She was never really in love with Brad.
We both know that.
She got pregnant with his kid.
So they pretended to love each other, got married.
Ask her how Brad is.
I'll bet that puts her on tilt.
Denny, that's genius.
Of course it is.
I know how to make women crazy.
I just can't seem to make them crazy over me.
No progress with Carol? - None.
- You know, Denny you'll never win her heart by voting for four more years of George Bush tomorrow.
- Here we go.
I'm out of here.
- Denny-Denny- Just think about that.
You know what your problem is? You expect people to think about things first.
In politics, you go with your gut, what feels good.
You don't blink.
You don't think.
You don't hesitate.
You hesitate, your enemies think you're weak.
When will you stupid Democrats ever learn? It's no wonder you never win! No promises, but I might be able to get them to wiggle on the testing ban if you agree not to advertise.
Now how stupid is that? One of the reasons I spend the extra money is so I can say to the consumer, "We test every cow.
" Well, I'm sorry, but that sends the message that the meat industry as a whole isn't safe.
It isn't.
- Look - No, you look.
If you're so concerned about the meat industry, get them to test.
Alan, you mind controlling your client? - Brad.
- What? How's Brad? You know how I love to travel.
And I know Brad likes to travel.
I suddenly found myself fantasizing about all the places he gets to go- tropical, moist exotic places I've always so yearned to visit.
- You're disgusting.
- But you knew that.
- You haven't answered my question.
- What question? How's Brad? Brad's gone.
We're not together.
Can we move on? Hmm.
I'm sorry, but what is it with you demented people? - It's how we practice law.
- Look, I am not agreeing not to advertise.
- Then we don't settle.
- Fine.
You look sad.
- Maybe you shouldn't be alone.
- Back off, fat boy.
Are you getting a divorce? - Yep.
It didn't work out.
- [Briefcase Snaps Click.]
Denise, I'm sorry.
Yeah.
[Door Closes.]
[Elevator Bell Dings.]
[Clears Throat.]
- Hello.
Welcome.
- How are you, Jerry? Oh, I'm splendid.
- A little fraught.
- Jerry, let me first say that we are all agreed here that we think you've been doing a splendid job.
That being said, however, there are some concerns regarding your social skills.
Yes, I understand.
I think I've made progress in that area.
Thank you.
Welcome.
[Lips Pop.]
Well, well, well.
What do we have here? Denny Crane.
Glad to see you.
Big firm meeting? Didn't invite me? Denny, this is an administrative- Hey, Paul, I know what this is.
Let me save you some time.
See this? This is me-Denny Crane, founding partner of Crane, Poole & Schmidt.
Look around the room.
I don't see a Poole, don't see a Schmidt.
I see this-Crane! Bottom line:: This man makes partner, or I walk and take my name off the door with me.
Comprende? Parlez-vous? Sprechen the Deutsch? Denny Crane.
Have a good day.
Well, one might think that that would carry the day but one would be wrong.
Denny doesn't carry even a plurality equitable interest.
Come on.
Paul, the name of the firm is Crane, Poole & Schmidt.
Denny Crane has become a liability oflate, Carl.
He may have just given us the perfect way to finally unload him.
- If Denny goes, I go.
- That's very admirable, Mr.
Espenson but I really don't think you're well situated to be issuing ultimatums.
It's not an ultimatum.
It's a fact.
Lfhe walks, I walk.
Alan Shore might too.
Maybe even Carl.
Who knows? We could do a spin-off.
Don't think we haven't been approached already.
Hell, it's not like you want the bunch of us anyway.
- The network sure doesn't.
[Scoffs.]
- Jerry.
I apologize.
Hmm.
I do retreat into, well a wooden cigarette when I feel insecure which I feel a lot, admittedly.
I realize that alone might disqualify me as partnership material.
But might I say in an arena where cutthroat is good where a take-no-prisoners, eat-your-young mentality so often prevails it might be nice for a law firm to include somebody who treats others with selflessness and kindness virtues perhaps more noble than unilateralism and tough-guy bravado.
Maybe it's time for you to start looking for somebody who can embrace values like humility, graciousness compassion all tempered with intelligence.
Maybe the bullying days are over.
[Door Closes.]
- Set? - For what? Gotta go vote, man.
The polls close in a few hours.
They're open until 8:00.
We gotta get back to court soon.
Let's not wait too long.
Denny, are you really gonna vote for McCain? I thought we said we weren't gonna discuss this.
Yeah, well, I wanna discuss it, damn it.
The consequences are too big.
- Bigger than our friendship? - You know what? Yes.
Why are you voting forJohn McCain? And don't tell me salmon and sex.
I want a real answer.
All right.
Taxes.
Obama's gonna raise 'em.
- I don't wanna- - No, he won't.
That's a blatant lie.
Obama plans to raise taxes only for the rich- - those earning over $250,000 a year.
- You know what your problem is? Yeah.
A collapsing economy, two wars- No.
Democrats don't know how to win.
Republicans do.
Maybe instead of so smugly celebrating the fact that Republicans know how to win might you be the least bit disgusted at the tactics they resort to? Oh, please.
The despicable pandering, like supporting gas tax holidays or cozying up to the evangelicals.
Or the most egregious example of political pandering in memory John McCain's choice of running mate.
Well, at least she's run something.
[Chuckles.]
Yeah, a town called Wasilla, which she left in debt? She had executive experience, including foreign policy.
Foreign policy? What, she can see Russia on a clear day? - Can she spell Russia? - She's just as qualified as- Denny, she couldn't name any newspaper she read - or Supreme Court decisions- - Gotcha journalism.
- It was the network Gotcha journalism? Naming a Supreme Court case? This isn't about Palin.
It's about McCain.
- Okay, well, what if he dies? - Who? McCain! Of the last almost half-half-have had situations where the vice president had to assume presidential responsibilities, if not complete control! Reagan had Alzheimer's.
His approval rating went up! Denny, John McCain is 72! He'd be the oldest person ever to assume office! He's ripe for a heart attack, not to mention he's had melanoma four times.
There's a very real possibility he could die.
And then what? We'll be left with Sarah Palin? Is there anybody anywhere who's really okay with that? - Yes! They're called Americans! - Oh- - TheJoe Six-Pack TheJoe Six-Pack needs somebody to fix the economy - not have a beer with! - I don't hear anything coming from Obama- You don't hear anything at all from John McCain.
His own camp says don't talk about it.
Instead, we'll just go negative.
It's despicable.
Obama's gone negative too playing that age card.
Bulldog in lipstick says Obama pals around with terrorists.
It's beneath gutter politics.
Obama loves to play those ads about McCain- - Smear! - And the Keating Five.
- Cynical, disgusting smear.
- That's the high ground? If this represents the direction he plans to lead us - after eight years of the Bush administration Change! Change! Change! While McCain's camp just spews out hate-filled demagoguery.
Yes, we can! Yes, we can! Some maverick.
Maverick! Maverick! Maverick! Maverick! Maverick! Mav-Ow! You shot me! - Damn right, I did.
- Denny, that hurt me.
For God's sake- - Oh! You got me in the back! - Well, that'll teach you! Ow! Ow! - All even now! - You could've shot my eye out, you crazy- Don't ever raise a gun to me-Oh! Happy now? Aah! Ah! [Grunting.]
- [Gunshots Continue.]
- [Grunting Continues.]
Hey! Hey, hey! Hey! [Groans.]
[Groans.]
Politics.
- What's going on with you two? - Nothing.
Nothing.
[Elevator Bell Dings.]
Hi, guys.
- Denny and I are fighting.
- Oh, got it.
Denise, listen.
L- I'm very sorry about being so flippant about you and Brad.
It's just-It felt like you were trying to unnerve me and I resorted to a little gamesmanship myself.
And I've been feeling terrible about it.
Well, Alan, don't beat yourself up about it.
- No I mean, do, if it'll compromise your closing.
[Both Chuckle.]
You know, not to be disgustingly opportunistic but I always felt that there was unfinished business between the two of us.
Actually, un-started business, and, well- I would love it.
Would you? Mmm.
If only I wasn't married.
You and Brad are split.
Well, I might have fudged the facts a little there.
Which facts? Mmm, the part about Brad and I being split.
Truth is, we've never been happier.
I'm gonna get him to send you a postcard from one of his moist, exotic destinations.
- Mmm.
Time for court, Al.
- [Elevator Bell Dings.]
Jerry.
For what it's worth, I thought you did a good job.
Could've done without the wooden cigarette or the talk about the spin-off but I thought you presented yourself in good form.
Thank you.
Do we know when they'll make their decision? Um, they have already, actually.
You made partner, Jerry.
Are you teasing me? No, I am not teasing you.
It is my privilege- and I do mean it when I say privilege- to inform you that an offer of full partnership has been extended to you.
Thank you.
Thank you! - Congratulations.
- Thank you.
Thanks.
Aren't you gonna at least pop? Hop, purr, for God's sake? You must have a celebratory tic you've been saving up.
It's not that big a deal, Katie.
It's good.
It's a nice feather.
But it's-it's really just- Can anybody explain the logic behind this? The federal government- our government- is actually prohibiting a company from exceeding regulations to make its product safer.
I'm baffled.
It's one thing to say that our government can no longer protect us.
We've seen that with the F.
D.
A.
, which has failed to regulate drugs that have, in fact, killed us.
We've seen our government undercut regulation by the Consumer Product Safety Commission paving the way for an influx of deadly lead-coated imports.
We've seen the S.
E.
C.
, in deference to free market capitalists go M.
I.
A.
On Wall Street, essentially leading to an economic implosion.
And John McCain wants to deregulate health care, God forbid.
I mean, I suppose all of that can be attributed to simple greed and incompetence.
But this- This is a new tactic altogether.
This goes beyond scrapping regulation in favor of big business interests.
This is our government deliberately taking steps to actually thwart our safety.
There can be no possible explanation for banning my client from testing her cows other than the most blatant and malignant one- that the U.
S.
D.
A.
Has been bought off by the big meat packers who don't want to bear the added expense of doing the same testing.
We've seen big pharmaceutical buy off the F.
D.
A.
We've certainly seen Big Oil help craft U.
S.
Energy policy, for God's sake.
The tobacco industry still spends But even if you're somehow willing to accept this "money talks" approach to government, how can it get to a point where- She just wants to make sure her beef is safe.
I mean, whose government is this? [Scoffs.]
I agree.
Miss Bauer, this is shocking! Outrageous! Indecent! I don't know who the Department of Agriculture thinks it's working for but it is certainly not me or my grandchildren! This ridiculous ban is-is overruled! - My God! - [Gavel Raps.]
We're adjourned! Yes! I don't know about you but I like to cap off my victories with a simple toast and a poke.
- How about you? - Mr.
Shore, thank you.
And may I say before I leave, my gratitude notwithstanding you two are the weirdest lawyers I've ever met.
You, in particular, should be institutionalized.
Thank you.
Is that yes on the poke? Denny, I'm sorry about our fight.
It was my fault.
I broke our agreement and got too emotional.
I'm sorry too.
For God's sake! - It was Valerie's doing.
- Geez, Denny! - Hi, guys.
- Hey.
Congratulations.
I'm actually happy you won.
I mean, off the record.
- Are you? - Yeah.
It was fun seeing the both of you again.
And, Alan, Brad and I would love to have you to the house sometime for dinner.
- You're an evil little vixen.
- Mmm.
Come on, Alan.
Let's go vote.
- You just behave yourself.
- That's Valerie's doing.
This land is your land This land is my land From California to the New York island - Alan Shore.
- From the redwood forest To the Gulf Stream waters This land was made for you and me Whoa [No Audible Dialogue.]
Ooh, ooh I've roamed and rambled I've followed my footsteps To the sparklin'sands Ofher diamond deserts And all around me A voice was soundin' This land was made for you and me Ooh, ooh Ooh, ooh Ooh, ooh [Vocalizing.]
[Ends.]
You hear? Jerry made partner.
I did.
I also understand you went to bat for him.
Well, I kinda like the guy, nut job that he is.
Denny, can you believe- We could have seriously hurt ourselves yesterday shooting each other in the face with those things.
- We were really mad.
- Yeah, we were.
L-I got the-the mad cow.
What's your excuse? I don't know.
I've always been such a proponent of people being able to discuss politics without getting too emotional.
There I was, going off like- [Chuckles.]
It's good that you're passionate.
[Exhales.]
So we're not gonna talk about it? What? Who we voted for.
- I know who you voted for.
- And you? Finish your drink.
I've already crossed my aisle today.
What do you mean? - Den-Did you? - [Chuckles.]
I'll never admit it in public.
- What made you change your mind? - Not you.
Ah.
Truth is, I didn't know the right choice.
But these last eight years- Let's just say I knew the wrong one.
- I think I love you.
- You've always loved me.
- I love you more now.
- [Chuckles.]
Tomorrow we'll actually wake up with a new president-elect.
- This land is your land - Wow.
- This land is my land - Wow.
From California - To the New York island - And possibly - From the redwood forest - a new America.
To the Gulf Stream waters This land was made for you and me Bigger wow.
And all around me A voice was soundin' This land was made for you and me [Ends.]
[Woman.]
You stinker!
- Jerry you've made rather a point of saying that this is the year you will make partner.
There are many ways of getting that job done, Jerry.
Prancing around the office as Little Bo Peep is not one of the better ones.
Do you know what happens to lawyers who make partner, Jerry? They become locked in.
Lifers.
I'm not sure that's something you want.
Take off your pants, Denise.
See, you like to talk.
I don't.
I like to do.
Surely you jest.
My God, Denny.
Can you believe it? Election Day is almost upon us.
- You gonna vote? - Of course I'm gonna vote.
Aren't you? I've never missed a presidential election.
I'm usually right too.
I've been on the winning side eight times out of the last 11.
That's impressive.
Also an uncanny coincidence, since eight out of the last 11 have also gone Republican.
Do tell.
So you just always vote Republican? - I vote my values.
- So this week- I thought we weren't gonna go there.
[Laughs.]
You're right.
You're right.
Who are you- Alan.
Never mind.
I'm not looking to discuss it.
I just-Who? McCain.
- Seriously? - I'm serious.
McCain.
Ah.
- Denny - Alan! You're right.
I'm sorry.
It's just- - Come on.
- What would possibly possess- - Hey! - Sorry.
Forget it.
The important thing is that we both vote.
- That's right.
- To voting.
Hear, hear.
- It's just - Okay, that's it.
No, no, no, no, no, no.
How about this? I give you my word I will not speak.
I will not open my mouth if you'll just give me two reasons why you're voting forJohn McCain-just two.
- That's a discussion.
- No, it's not! One person talking does not a discussion make.
Just two reasons.
I won't talk.
Promise.
Okay.
If McCain wins, he'll help save the salmon.
- Wha - You're talking.
L- The wild salmon stocks in Canada are threatened either by climate change, fish farming, sea lice.
Once the salmon go, there goes half the ecosystem.
I don't need to tell you.
- And McCain will save them? - Not directly.
But the polls show that if McCain wins, it's like a third term of Bush.
A lot of Americans will emigrate to Canada.
The smart ones.
The intelligence level of Canada goes up and they'll figure out how to save the salmon.
- And the second reason? - Women are easier during a Republican administration.
It's a fact.
During Democratic regimes, volunteerism goes up.
Then you got a lot of women running around for this cause or that.
And they start to think that they have something to say.
Republicans tend to reinforce the idea that a woman's place is in the home, on her back.
Now I'm not even taking into account all the women that will be depressed if McCain wins.
Sad girls are easy girls.
I don't need to tell you.
They're vulnerable.
Salmon and women, Alan.
[Laughs.]
In the end, it's all about spawning.
Drill, baby, drill.
You vote your values.
- [Funk.]
- [Man Vocalizing.]
[Man.]
Uh-huh - All right - Boom.
Come on [Lips Pop.]
Come on All right Well, yeah Well, yeah Outlaw [Man.]
I think when you make that decision it might be well if you would ask yourself: Are you better off than you were four years ago? Is it easier for you to go and buy things in the stores? You called? I did.
I have a case I think you'll enjoy second chairing.
Oh, yes.
I so enjoy sitting in a courtroom all day long while you go on and on and on.
Why are you being so nasty to me? This happens to be a case you'll enjoy.
In fact, the client is a cattle rancher.
So far, so good? Will I be allowed to touch her? - The case involves mad cow.
- Does she have it? No.
'Cause that would give us a great deal in common.
Denny, slow down.
On her ranch, they test every cow to screen for mad cow.
Every cow.
- And? - And now the government won't let her.
- Why not? - Well, that's the question.
So we're suing the United States Department of Agriculture.
- It's an excellent cause.
- Great! Hey, Alan.
You ready? Carol, this is Denny Crane.
He'll be second chairing.
It'll be my mission in life to get you off.
I'm not charged with anything.
Even so, you're the best client I ever had.
- When shall I have you? - What is up with this guy? He likes to make a good first impression.
Yeah, well, he's running out of time.
Let's go.
This is it This is it This is life the one you get - So go and have a ball - Oh, my God.
This is it This is it - One day at a time - Da, da-da, da One day at a time - Jerry.
- Carl.
What can I do you for, big guy? - Sorry.
- Ever go to the 28th floor? Not if I can help it.
Do you know what happens on the 28th floor, Jerry? I was a tax attorney here for seven years, Carl.
I'm quite familiar with what goes on there.
Hmm.
Well, the 28th floor is where the big conference room is, Jerry- where they assemble all of the administrative partners.
You know who I mean.
The ones that have that silly annual meeting where they decide who makes partner.
Yes, Carl.
I get it.
What- [Lips Popping, Purring.]
Coo! Okay.
Now I've already recommended you.
- Whether that will be enough- - Will Shirley recommend me? She did.
But she's in Colorado at the moment - so she can't present herself in person.
- Why is she in Colorado? We have a- She has a second home there.
She figured since Massachusetts is in the bag that she should make her vote count.
Colorado's still up for grabs.
So she registered to vote there.
A bit odd, isn't it? Shouldn't it be about who gets the most votes - not which state the vote comes from? - That would be too easy, Katie.
- Congratulations, Jerry! - If I make it.
You'll make it.
It's your time.
- You! - And what is wrong with me? Ah, nothing.
You seem perfect- as delicious and repressed as ever in your crisply pressed blouse and- - Alan.
- Ah.
Denise.
How's the baby? - She's, um, wonderful.
- I see you got your figure back.
- I see you've kept yours.
- Sex later? - We'll talk.
- [Woman.]
All rise.
- Docket number 477 That was just lawyer banter.
I would never stray on you.
- [Woman.]
Department of Agriculture.
- Good morning, Your Honor.
It's us, your favorite litigants.
We're back again.
- I'm sure you're not surprised.
- No.
No, I am not.
Especially since once again you're suing the government.
- If I had a nickel for every- - How about this? We'll write you a check.
You rule in our favor.
It'll be just like old times.
Speaking of old times, look who's against us.
Denise Bauer, here to sweep us off our feet.
And check out our client.
She sweeps everybody off their feet.
Everywhere you look, it's sweeps, sweeps, sweeps.
- Do we write that check out to you personally, or [Gavel Raps.]
What is this stupid case about anyway? Judge, I'll tell you what it's about.
I run a cattle ranch.
I sell beef.
I test my cattle for mad cow disease.
I test every single animal.
The government's put a stop to it.
Why? Why? Because the other meat packers, the bigger ones- the ones that have bought and paid for the U.
S.
D.
A.
- they don't wanna test every cow- it's too expensive.
But if they don't test, they're afraid the consumer won't buy their meat.
I'm sorry, Your Honor, but if she's going to testify- - No, sweetie.
I'm not testifying.
- But you are in the narrative.
So if you'd like to take that chair up there, that's fine.
But I want my licks.
- Take a number.
- [Judge Brown.]
Hold on.
We will conduct an evidentiary hearing, and we shall conduct it forthwith.
Mr.
Shore, you can go first.
And you can put your expert up here.
Chugga, chugga, chugga, chugga, chugga, chugga, choo.
Chugga, chugga, chugga, chugga, chugga, chugga, choo.
Chugga, chugga, chugga, chugga, chugga, chugga, choo.
Chugga, chugga, chugga, chugga, chugga, chugga, ch- Katie, welcome.
Hello.
Hey.
That's a bit catchy, I must say.
[Chuckles.]
It's kind of a motivational chant.
An "I can do it" sort of thing.
It's possible the administrative partners will call me in for an interview - so I want to be ready.
- Ah.
Jerry, they've called me.
You? Why? I can't imagine.
I shouldn't think it's because I'm being considered for partnership.
I suspect they're asking me to proffer testimony of sorts on you.
Oh.
Well, what will you say? Well, only wonderful things, of course.
I'll tell them you're a very dear man who pops and purrs and chugga-chugga-choos with the best and the brightest.
Only wonderful things, I promise.
[Sighs.]
I've been waiting for this, Katie.
When I came back to this firm, it was mainly for this- to get something I was denied the first time.
Something I so rightly deserved.
Something I was gypped out of because- - Listen to me.
I sound like Hillary.
- [Chuckles.]
[Lips Popping.]
First of all, we have no real way of knowing how widespread mad cow disease is among humans.
The symptoms are similar to Alzheimer's.
So the diagnosis- Objection.
Your Honor, the witness is not competent to offer a medical opinion.
It's a lay opinion.
This is common knowledge that's out there.
We don't know.
So why not be safe? That's the policy at my ranch.
We want to test every cow so we can be safe.
How dare the federal government say I can't do so.
[Alan.]
Ms.
Hober, I think the government would argue that the testing of every cow isn't necessary since- So what? Why should they prohibit us from doing so if we're willing to bear the expense? - It's ludicrous.
- Ms.
Hober.
Look, even if you think our testing is overkill, I repeat, so what? The U.
S.
D.
A.
Testing requirements are pathetic.
- Why? - Let me put it this way.
Right now, slaughterhouses can pick which cow they choose to test.
It's voluntary.
So basically, they can cherry-pick the ones that look healthy, which is exactly what they do.
If one looks sick, think they're gonna test that one and risk getting their plant shut down? - It's a joke.
- The last study showed that fewer than one in one million adult cattle were affected with mad cow disease.
And that would make you feel better if you ate the bad burger? I want to make sure none of mine are infected.
And by the way, 95% of people are willing to pay the extra cost for that guarantee.
So why won't the government let me? Yes.
I believe you've made that point, Ms.
- Well, why don't I make another point? Okay? Maybe meat packers could make more money if they did test.
Because right now there are 65 countries that restrict imported U.
S.
Meat because the testing is so inadequate.
Ah, so now you want to tell them how to run their business? How about they not tell me how to run mine? What is up with the Department of Agriculture? Would somebody please fill me in? Besides maybe some giant bribejob? Oh, all right.
Try to be as unbiased as possible.
If you speak as a loyal friend, you'll be less persuasive.
- Just stay objective.
- Okay.
- And respectful.
- Unbiased, objective, respectful.
Got it.
Now we're not so much interested in old history.
Most of us are fairly caught up to the point where he attacked Shirley Schmidt with a knife.
He's been doing much better of late.
Yes.
And we see that he's had an excellent track record as a litigator.
Carl Sack and Shirley Schmidt have spoken highly.
But, Katie, Jerry has remained fairly segregated from almost everybody but you.
As you know, part of being a partner is people skills.
Jerry's are fine.
He may startle people at first with his various tics but anyone that spends more than a minute with him knows him to be a man of exemplary warmth and intelligence.
- Does he date? - Is that relevant? Not necessarily.
But we're told he was with a woman last year who left him for an iPhone.
That spoke more to her character flaws than his.
We're told he's had a relationship with an inanimate doll.
Uh, that was a prop of sorts for him to develop intimacy skills with women.
Which skills have improved.
He no longer sees the doll.
Why is it he walks around with his hands glued to his thighs? Jerry has Asperger's syndrome.
His ha- I'm not quite comfortable with the tenor of these questions.
If the purpose of this interview is to characterizeJerry - as some sort of weirdo who- - Katie, it's not that at all.
It's just- Just what? Jerry has various quirks and manners.
That makes him a bit different.
He's not odd.
He is not weird.
I should think you'd be privileged to have him.
Apartnership is a little different from employment, Miss Lloyd.
It's not just about his lawyering skills or whether he's a warm person.
It's about how well he fits in with the group.
Will we feel comfortable with each other? Will he blend in with others? - Will he- - Is that why I see no black people here? That was an inappropriate remark, Katie.
It's just when I hear "who we'll feel comfortable with" it brings up ugly overtones.
When I look and see an old, white establishment in this room and hear terms like "fitting in," it sounds a bit frightening.
Jerry Espenson could quite bring something to this table that might be lacking.
Better yet, needed.
I realize I'm British and might sound like a bit of a bigot when I say this, but why are Americans so bloody committed to the past or the present when everything is falling apart? You're all making less money.
Your reputation and status continues to plunge among law schools both here and abroad, and yet you're afraid of change.
- You don't need to get so upset, Katie.
- Maybe I do.
I was recruited to this firm with the various promises of progressiveness and tolerance.
It's a bit demoralizing to see behind all the talk the same old white boys' club plans to do business as usual.
I smell discrimination in the dusty air, and I'm not just annoyed.
I'm a bit appalled.
Objective and respectful.
Which part of that little diatribe- - I'm sorry, but when I hear Apologize toJerry.
He's the one you screwed.
- Not me.
- What's going on? What happened? I got a little cross with the administrative partners.
It did not go well, Jerry.
Oh.
Am I out? Uh, they want to meet with you.
Jerry, it's very important that you come off as reasonable, thoughtful as opposed to a pit bull with the lipstick.
Whatever they ask, simply respect the question not to mention the person asking it and then provide a sound, deliberate answer.
Basically, I'm telling you the same thing I so wish I had told Katie.
I'm so sorry, Jerry.
I don't think it went as badly as Carl suggests, but I did get cross with them.
What happened? Well, the questions implied that you were socially challenged and I'm afraid I took offense.
First of all, testing can't detect mad cow disease until shortly before the cow develops symptoms.
So? Well, cattle are typically slaughtered between 18 and 24 months of age.
And that's typically long before the disease is detectable.
Look, all this talk about testing, testing, testing- The reality is, testing can't make a difference.
So then why bother with testing at all, Mr.
Beavis? Well, I suppose if it's even possible it could help.
And let's face it.
The public wants to feel safe.
So if testing gives them some confidence in the meat industry, that's a good thing.
Okay.
Even if it's only possible that testing could help even if it only provides a psychological lift what grounds do you have for stopping my client from testing? - I'll tell you the grounds, wise guy.
- Wise guy? When she advertises that she tests every single one ofher cows - but she's the only one who does so- - Which is the truth.
She implies that her meat is safe, and that other meat isn't.
That is bad for the industry.
Yeah, but you didn't ban the advertising, Mr.
Beavis.
Or is it Butt-Head? You banned the actual testing itself.
And by the way, when did it become the goal of the Department of Agriculture to protect the meat industry? I always thought it was to safeguard the public.
- But then again, I'm a wise guy.
- Alan.
This disease kills- not just the cows, but people.
Have you ever had somebody you love die of mad cow? No.
And I'll bet neither have you.
It may very well be that somebody I love- There could be many, many people out there diagnosed with Alzheimer's that in fact ate bad beef.
Look, if you say that outside this court, you're gonna get your ass sued.
I mean, do you think you're bigger than Oprah? - If you want to sue me, go ahead.
- It won't be me.
- It'll be the American Cattle Association.
- Same thing though.
American Cattle, Department of Agriculture.
Objection.
And what's with you? I never object to you.
In fact, I quite approve- - Alan- - Why can't she test her cows? What's the federal government trying to hide? Alan, it's not fair.
Just because you're in front of a judge who's afraid of you doesn't give you the right to exploit the situation.
Who says I'm afraid of him? He does.
He used to say it to me all the time.
"If you rant long enough, Judge Brown will cower.
" Um, "namby-pamby" I believe is the word that he used.
Judge, I never said- - How dare you! - She's making that up.
- No, I'm not.
- Silence! We'll see who's afraid! - It's me.
I'm afraid.
I never- - Silence! - You lied.
- Did I? Oh, I'm sorry.
Well, that was a sneaky move by Denise.
Sneaky, unscrupulous, crafty.
- Worthy of us.
- Exactly.
She's deliberately trying to fluster me.
- Ask her how Brad is.
- What? She was never really in love with Brad.
We both know that.
She got pregnant with his kid.
So they pretended to love each other, got married.
Ask her how Brad is.
I'll bet that puts her on tilt.
Denny, that's genius.
Of course it is.
I know how to make women crazy.
I just can't seem to make them crazy over me.
No progress with Carol? - None.
- You know, Denny you'll never win her heart by voting for four more years of George Bush tomorrow.
- Here we go.
I'm out of here.
- Denny-Denny- Just think about that.
You know what your problem is? You expect people to think about things first.
In politics, you go with your gut, what feels good.
You don't blink.
You don't think.
You don't hesitate.
You hesitate, your enemies think you're weak.
When will you stupid Democrats ever learn? It's no wonder you never win! No promises, but I might be able to get them to wiggle on the testing ban if you agree not to advertise.
Now how stupid is that? One of the reasons I spend the extra money is so I can say to the consumer, "We test every cow.
" Well, I'm sorry, but that sends the message that the meat industry as a whole isn't safe.
It isn't.
- Look - No, you look.
If you're so concerned about the meat industry, get them to test.
Alan, you mind controlling your client? - Brad.
- What? How's Brad? You know how I love to travel.
And I know Brad likes to travel.
I suddenly found myself fantasizing about all the places he gets to go- tropical, moist exotic places I've always so yearned to visit.
- You're disgusting.
- But you knew that.
- You haven't answered my question.
- What question? How's Brad? Brad's gone.
We're not together.
Can we move on? Hmm.
I'm sorry, but what is it with you demented people? - It's how we practice law.
- Look, I am not agreeing not to advertise.
- Then we don't settle.
- Fine.
You look sad.
- Maybe you shouldn't be alone.
- Back off, fat boy.
Are you getting a divorce? - Yep.
It didn't work out.
- [Briefcase Snaps Click.]
Denise, I'm sorry.
Yeah.
[Door Closes.]
[Elevator Bell Dings.]
[Clears Throat.]
- Hello.
Welcome.
- How are you, Jerry? Oh, I'm splendid.
- A little fraught.
- Jerry, let me first say that we are all agreed here that we think you've been doing a splendid job.
That being said, however, there are some concerns regarding your social skills.
Yes, I understand.
I think I've made progress in that area.
Thank you.
Welcome.
[Lips Pop.]
Well, well, well.
What do we have here? Denny Crane.
Glad to see you.
Big firm meeting? Didn't invite me? Denny, this is an administrative- Hey, Paul, I know what this is.
Let me save you some time.
See this? This is me-Denny Crane, founding partner of Crane, Poole & Schmidt.
Look around the room.
I don't see a Poole, don't see a Schmidt.
I see this-Crane! Bottom line:: This man makes partner, or I walk and take my name off the door with me.
Comprende? Parlez-vous? Sprechen the Deutsch? Denny Crane.
Have a good day.
Well, one might think that that would carry the day but one would be wrong.
Denny doesn't carry even a plurality equitable interest.
Come on.
Paul, the name of the firm is Crane, Poole & Schmidt.
Denny Crane has become a liability oflate, Carl.
He may have just given us the perfect way to finally unload him.
- If Denny goes, I go.
- That's very admirable, Mr.
Espenson but I really don't think you're well situated to be issuing ultimatums.
It's not an ultimatum.
It's a fact.
Lfhe walks, I walk.
Alan Shore might too.
Maybe even Carl.
Who knows? We could do a spin-off.
Don't think we haven't been approached already.
Hell, it's not like you want the bunch of us anyway.
- The network sure doesn't.
[Scoffs.]
- Jerry.
I apologize.
Hmm.
I do retreat into, well a wooden cigarette when I feel insecure which I feel a lot, admittedly.
I realize that alone might disqualify me as partnership material.
But might I say in an arena where cutthroat is good where a take-no-prisoners, eat-your-young mentality so often prevails it might be nice for a law firm to include somebody who treats others with selflessness and kindness virtues perhaps more noble than unilateralism and tough-guy bravado.
Maybe it's time for you to start looking for somebody who can embrace values like humility, graciousness compassion all tempered with intelligence.
Maybe the bullying days are over.
[Door Closes.]
- Set? - For what? Gotta go vote, man.
The polls close in a few hours.
They're open until 8:00.
We gotta get back to court soon.
Let's not wait too long.
Denny, are you really gonna vote for McCain? I thought we said we weren't gonna discuss this.
Yeah, well, I wanna discuss it, damn it.
The consequences are too big.
- Bigger than our friendship? - You know what? Yes.
Why are you voting forJohn McCain? And don't tell me salmon and sex.
I want a real answer.
All right.
Taxes.
Obama's gonna raise 'em.
- I don't wanna- - No, he won't.
That's a blatant lie.
Obama plans to raise taxes only for the rich- - those earning over $250,000 a year.
- You know what your problem is? Yeah.
A collapsing economy, two wars- No.
Democrats don't know how to win.
Republicans do.
Maybe instead of so smugly celebrating the fact that Republicans know how to win might you be the least bit disgusted at the tactics they resort to? Oh, please.
The despicable pandering, like supporting gas tax holidays or cozying up to the evangelicals.
Or the most egregious example of political pandering in memory John McCain's choice of running mate.
Well, at least she's run something.
[Chuckles.]
Yeah, a town called Wasilla, which she left in debt? She had executive experience, including foreign policy.
Foreign policy? What, she can see Russia on a clear day? - Can she spell Russia? - She's just as qualified as- Denny, she couldn't name any newspaper she read - or Supreme Court decisions- - Gotcha journalism.
- It was the network Gotcha journalism? Naming a Supreme Court case? This isn't about Palin.
It's about McCain.
- Okay, well, what if he dies? - Who? McCain! Of the last almost half-half-have had situations where the vice president had to assume presidential responsibilities, if not complete control! Reagan had Alzheimer's.
His approval rating went up! Denny, John McCain is 72! He'd be the oldest person ever to assume office! He's ripe for a heart attack, not to mention he's had melanoma four times.
There's a very real possibility he could die.
And then what? We'll be left with Sarah Palin? Is there anybody anywhere who's really okay with that? - Yes! They're called Americans! - Oh- - TheJoe Six-Pack TheJoe Six-Pack needs somebody to fix the economy - not have a beer with! - I don't hear anything coming from Obama- You don't hear anything at all from John McCain.
His own camp says don't talk about it.
Instead, we'll just go negative.
It's despicable.
Obama's gone negative too playing that age card.
Bulldog in lipstick says Obama pals around with terrorists.
It's beneath gutter politics.
Obama loves to play those ads about McCain- - Smear! - And the Keating Five.
- Cynical, disgusting smear.
- That's the high ground? If this represents the direction he plans to lead us - after eight years of the Bush administration Change! Change! Change! While McCain's camp just spews out hate-filled demagoguery.
Yes, we can! Yes, we can! Some maverick.
Maverick! Maverick! Maverick! Maverick! Maverick! Mav-Ow! You shot me! - Damn right, I did.
- Denny, that hurt me.
For God's sake- - Oh! You got me in the back! - Well, that'll teach you! Ow! Ow! - All even now! - You could've shot my eye out, you crazy- Don't ever raise a gun to me-Oh! Happy now? Aah! Ah! [Grunting.]
- [Gunshots Continue.]
- [Grunting Continues.]
Hey! Hey, hey! Hey! [Groans.]
[Groans.]
Politics.
- What's going on with you two? - Nothing.
Nothing.
[Elevator Bell Dings.]
Hi, guys.
- Denny and I are fighting.
- Oh, got it.
Denise, listen.
L- I'm very sorry about being so flippant about you and Brad.
It's just-It felt like you were trying to unnerve me and I resorted to a little gamesmanship myself.
And I've been feeling terrible about it.
Well, Alan, don't beat yourself up about it.
- No I mean, do, if it'll compromise your closing.
[Both Chuckle.]
You know, not to be disgustingly opportunistic but I always felt that there was unfinished business between the two of us.
Actually, un-started business, and, well- I would love it.
Would you? Mmm.
If only I wasn't married.
You and Brad are split.
Well, I might have fudged the facts a little there.
Which facts? Mmm, the part about Brad and I being split.
Truth is, we've never been happier.
I'm gonna get him to send you a postcard from one of his moist, exotic destinations.
- Mmm.
Time for court, Al.
- [Elevator Bell Dings.]
Jerry.
For what it's worth, I thought you did a good job.
Could've done without the wooden cigarette or the talk about the spin-off but I thought you presented yourself in good form.
Thank you.
Do we know when they'll make their decision? Um, they have already, actually.
You made partner, Jerry.
Are you teasing me? No, I am not teasing you.
It is my privilege- and I do mean it when I say privilege- to inform you that an offer of full partnership has been extended to you.
Thank you.
Thank you! - Congratulations.
- Thank you.
Thanks.
Aren't you gonna at least pop? Hop, purr, for God's sake? You must have a celebratory tic you've been saving up.
It's not that big a deal, Katie.
It's good.
It's a nice feather.
But it's-it's really just- Can anybody explain the logic behind this? The federal government- our government- is actually prohibiting a company from exceeding regulations to make its product safer.
I'm baffled.
It's one thing to say that our government can no longer protect us.
We've seen that with the F.
D.
A.
, which has failed to regulate drugs that have, in fact, killed us.
We've seen our government undercut regulation by the Consumer Product Safety Commission paving the way for an influx of deadly lead-coated imports.
We've seen the S.
E.
C.
, in deference to free market capitalists go M.
I.
A.
On Wall Street, essentially leading to an economic implosion.
And John McCain wants to deregulate health care, God forbid.
I mean, I suppose all of that can be attributed to simple greed and incompetence.
But this- This is a new tactic altogether.
This goes beyond scrapping regulation in favor of big business interests.
This is our government deliberately taking steps to actually thwart our safety.
There can be no possible explanation for banning my client from testing her cows other than the most blatant and malignant one- that the U.
S.
D.
A.
Has been bought off by the big meat packers who don't want to bear the added expense of doing the same testing.
We've seen big pharmaceutical buy off the F.
D.
A.
We've certainly seen Big Oil help craft U.
S.
Energy policy, for God's sake.
The tobacco industry still spends But even if you're somehow willing to accept this "money talks" approach to government, how can it get to a point where- She just wants to make sure her beef is safe.
I mean, whose government is this? [Scoffs.]
I agree.
Miss Bauer, this is shocking! Outrageous! Indecent! I don't know who the Department of Agriculture thinks it's working for but it is certainly not me or my grandchildren! This ridiculous ban is-is overruled! - My God! - [Gavel Raps.]
We're adjourned! Yes! I don't know about you but I like to cap off my victories with a simple toast and a poke.
- How about you? - Mr.
Shore, thank you.
And may I say before I leave, my gratitude notwithstanding you two are the weirdest lawyers I've ever met.
You, in particular, should be institutionalized.
Thank you.
Is that yes on the poke? Denny, I'm sorry about our fight.
It was my fault.
I broke our agreement and got too emotional.
I'm sorry too.
For God's sake! - It was Valerie's doing.
- Geez, Denny! - Hi, guys.
- Hey.
Congratulations.
I'm actually happy you won.
I mean, off the record.
- Are you? - Yeah.
It was fun seeing the both of you again.
And, Alan, Brad and I would love to have you to the house sometime for dinner.
- You're an evil little vixen.
- Mmm.
Come on, Alan.
Let's go vote.
- You just behave yourself.
- That's Valerie's doing.
This land is your land This land is my land From California to the New York island - Alan Shore.
- From the redwood forest To the Gulf Stream waters This land was made for you and me Whoa [No Audible Dialogue.]
Ooh, ooh I've roamed and rambled I've followed my footsteps To the sparklin'sands Ofher diamond deserts And all around me A voice was soundin' This land was made for you and me Ooh, ooh Ooh, ooh Ooh, ooh [Vocalizing.]
[Ends.]
You hear? Jerry made partner.
I did.
I also understand you went to bat for him.
Well, I kinda like the guy, nut job that he is.
Denny, can you believe- We could have seriously hurt ourselves yesterday shooting each other in the face with those things.
- We were really mad.
- Yeah, we were.
L-I got the-the mad cow.
What's your excuse? I don't know.
I've always been such a proponent of people being able to discuss politics without getting too emotional.
There I was, going off like- [Chuckles.]
It's good that you're passionate.
[Exhales.]
So we're not gonna talk about it? What? Who we voted for.
- I know who you voted for.
- And you? Finish your drink.
I've already crossed my aisle today.
What do you mean? - Den-Did you? - [Chuckles.]
I'll never admit it in public.
- What made you change your mind? - Not you.
Ah.
Truth is, I didn't know the right choice.
But these last eight years- Let's just say I knew the wrong one.
- I think I love you.
- You've always loved me.
- I love you more now.
- [Chuckles.]
Tomorrow we'll actually wake up with a new president-elect.
- This land is your land - Wow.
- This land is my land - Wow.
From California - To the New York island - And possibly - From the redwood forest - a new America.
To the Gulf Stream waters This land was made for you and me Bigger wow.
And all around me A voice was soundin' This land was made for you and me [Ends.]
[Woman.]
You stinker!