Dad's Army (1968) s05e07 Episode Script

Who do you thInk you are kIddIng, Mr HItler If you thInk we're on the run? We are the boys who wIll stop your lIttle game We are the boys who wIll make you thInk agaIn 'Cause who do you thInk you are kIddIng, Mr HItler If you thInk old England's done? Mr Brown goes off to town on the 8.
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2 1 But he comes home each evenIng and he's ready wIth hIs gun So who do you thInk you are kIddIng, Mr HItler If you thInk old England's done? Yes, Elizabeth.
No.
I.
All right, that's settled, then.
I'll tell them to come round about 8:00.
No, no, just some sandwiches and beer.
That should get them in a convivial mood.
You don't want them to have any beer? I've got to give them something to drink.
No, of course they won't get drunk and smash the house up.
My men are not hooligans.
(KNOCKING AT DOOR) Come in.
Yes, righto.
Oh, no, no.
No, don't wear that dress with the fringe on.
Makes you look too much like a flapper.
No, I don't think anybody would mind if you wore your siren suit.
After all, Churchill does! What.
You're making the final plans for the party tonight, sir? Yes.
Just making sure the little woman had everything under control.
I really am looking forward to coming.
Do you realise this is the first time I've ever visited your house? Yes.
Well, we haven't done much entertaining since the war started.
I thought it was time the platoon got together in civilian clothes and met on equal terms.
-Well, that's very democratic of you, sir.
-Yes.
I realise, of course, that it's very difficult for you.
I mean, with my being your superior at the bank and also your commanding officer in the platoon, we very rarely get a chance to meet as equals.
No, we don't.
-However, tonight you may call me George.
-Oh, thanks awfully, sir.
-And I shall call you Arthur.
-Oh, will you really? Good.
(KNOCKING AT DOOR) Come in.
Brought these letters for you to sign, Mr Mainwaring.
Thank you, Pike.
Looking forward to the party tonight, aren't you, Uncle Arthur? Yes, I am, very much indeed.
George has been telling me all about it.
Who's George? I said you could call me George at the party, Wilson, not here.
May I call you George at the party, Mr Mainwaring? Certainly not.
Actually, sir, what's going to happen in the middle of the night if the balloon goes up? Are we having balloons as well? That'll be nice.
Of course we're not having balloons, you stupid boy.
You don't need to worry, Wilson, I've made adequate provision.
Numbers two and three sections will be on duty in the church hall.
I must say, I'm looking forward immensely to this.
Everybody together in civilians, in a happy, carefree, relaxed atmosphere.
-Well, very nice of you to come.
-Very nice of you to ask us, George.
Aye, v-v-v-very nice.
Very nice, indeed.
What a lovely party, Mr Mainwaring.
Yes.
I'm enjoying myself.
I certainly am, sir.
No, no, please.
George.
No, I'm not George, I'm.
I'm Jack.
Yes, I know.
I want you to call me George, Jack.
That's very nice of you.
I shall enjoy doing that.
I say, look at the time, Arthur.
-Oh, my goodness.
-Joe's late.
I bet he's up to some shady business.
Oh, we mustn't judge him too hastily, Fra.
Ja.
Jim.
My wife will be down in a few minutes and then we can start on the refreshments.
I must say, I'm looking forward tremendously to meeting your good lady, sir.
George.
Sir George? The man has not been knighted yet.
(DOORBELL RINGING) Ah! That'll be Joe now.
-Let him in, Pike.
There's a good fellow.
-Yes, Mr Mainwaring.
Well, how's business, James? Oh, I cannot complain.
A lady in today, ordering one of our best oak coffins.
Her husband dropped down dead, like that, aye.
Just about your age and build he was.
Went out like a light.
-Joe Walker and friend.
-And friend? Who? Evening all, this is Shirley.
-Pleased to meet you, I'm sure.
-Trust Joe to turn up with a tart.
Excuse me.
I better go and see how my wife is doing.
What did you want to bring this girl for? I told you it was stag.
I know.
But your old lady is going to be here.
I thought she might like to meet her.
That's hardly likely.
What's this? Secrets? Excuse me.
What's the matter with you lot? Looks like an undertakers' convention.
I must say, I thought he'd have had a better place than this.
I've never seen such a load of rubbish.
There's nothing here worth twopence! This is nice.
Yes.
We've got one of those at home.
Very pretty.
-You shake it hard, you start a snowstorm.
-Really? Yes! Hey, look, Uncle Arthur.
If you shake this hard, you get a snowstorm.
Yes, awfully nice.
Don't wave it about like that.
You've done it now, Frank.
Mr George will be furious.
What am I gonna do, Uncle Arthur? I don't know.
Why can't you just leave things alone? Here, give it to me.
Come here.
I'll fix it.
-Sorry, Fred.
-Thanks, Joe.
-What are you doing? -I'm picking up the snow.
JONES: He's coming back.
-Come on.
-Put it over there.
Go on.
-Everybody enjoying themselves? -Yes, rather.
Oh, yes, thank you.
Pike and I are having a nice little whistle.
Well, my wife's going to be a few minutes yet.
So let's start, shall we? -You hand the sandwiches round, Arthur.
-Yes, of course.
Yes, sir.
Of course I will, George.
-Beer, everybody? -Oh, yes.
Thank you very much.
I'll have some.
Thank you.
Well, don't stand on ceremony.
Tuck in.
I'm pouring the beer into wine glasses because.
Because I thought it would give the occasion a more festive air.
Aye, and it makes it go round further, too.
-Help yourselves.
-Thank you.
-Mr Mainwaring.
-Thank you, George, thank you.
-Cheers.
-Cheers.
-I.
I haven't shown you around yet, have I? -No.
I've got one or two little interesting curios and antiques you might be amused by.
A load of rubbish.
I bought this little weather house for my wife when we were on our honeymoon.
If it's a fine day, like it's been today, you see, the lady comes out.
If the man appears, you're in trouble.
You're telling me! Ah! Now, here's a very interesting little curio.
Victorian.
Belonged to my grandmother.
She was Victorian, too.
If you shake it, it gives the impression of a snowstorm.
Shall I show you? That's strange.
There's no snow.
Perhaps the woman's come out.
Well.
Ah! Now, there's a very fine picture of my late father.
Edmund Mainwaring.
Wonderful man.
He had a flourishing tailoring business on the Parade at Eastbourne.
Member of the Master Tailor's Guild.
Did he make the suit you're wearing now, Mr Mainwaring? Don't be silly, boy.
He died in 1 922.
So did that suit.
(POUNDING FOOTSTEPS) -Ah, that sounds like Elizabeth coming down.
-Through the ceiling.
I'll just let her know that the party is in full swing.
Listen, I've known Eastbourne for 50 years.
His father never had a posh tailor shop on the Parade.
He had a pokey little drapers shop up a side street and he got all old workmen's trousers hanging up, and my brother bought a pair and the gusset fell out.
I wish to God that wife of his would hurry up and come down.
The sooner we get this ridiculous charade over the better.
I can't wait to see her.
I wonder what she looks like.
I've only spoken to her on the phone, at the bank, but she's always cross.
Wilson's the only one that's ever seen her.
-WALKER: What's she look like? -Well, she's sort of abit odd.
(DOORBELL RINGING) Answer that door, will you, please, Frank? -Come on, tell us.
-A little difficult to describe, really.
I think it's very caddish to talk about Mr Mainwaring's wife like this.
I'm sure she's a very charming lady.
-What's going on here? -We're having a party.
Watch the blackout.
-Where's Mainwaring? -He's upstairs with his wife in the bedroom.
Oh, it's one of those sort of parties, is it? How dare you come bursting in to a private house like this? -They're coming down now.
-I can hardly wait to see what she's like.
Nor me.
She's on the way.
-Hodges, what are you doing here? -You were showing a light upstairs.
My wife inadvertently stumbled against the blackout curtain.
-She been at the bismuth again, has she? -How dare you? Come along, dear.
They're dying to see you.
(POUNDING FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING) (AIR RAID SIREN WAILING) (HURRIED FOOTSTEPS) Elizabeth.
Elizabeth! For heaven's sake, say hello before you go.
I think she's gone down to the air raid shelter.
Now we'll never know what she's like.
Never mind.
I'm off to headquarters.
Are you lot gonna stand around here when there's a raid on? What we do when a raid is on is our own affair.
Anyway, it's probably only a solitary plane.
The last twitchings of the wounded Nazi beast.
(BOMB WHISTLING) Get down! (THUNDEROUS EXPLOSIONS) There's no room under this desk for two of us, Verger.
This is my little hidey-hole.
You wouldn't drive me out into the fire and tempest, would you, Your Reverence? I can't stand being squashed in small spaces with strangers.
But I'm not strangers, I'm the verger.
Hello, Gerald? Right.
Yes.
Where did that one come down? One in the allotment, yeah.
One on the taxi garage.
Any casualties? No? Right.
Yes.
What about the third one? Go on.
That's a bit of luck.
Good job it was closed.
Right, stay there, I'm coming right over.
-Good job what was closed? -The bank.
-The bank! -Yes, direct hit, right on it.
-There's a bomb on the bank! Don't panic! -All right.
All right.
Quiet, Jones.
-Come on, we better get down there right away.
-Aye, sir.
-Wilson? -Frazer, quick as you can.
-Walker? Where's Walker? -I'm here, sir.
Come out of there at once.
-It's not safe out there.
-No, it's not safe under here, either.
Oh, God.
Blimey, look at all that lolly.
-Pike? -Yes? -Guard the door.
-Right.
-Frazer? -Aye.
-Keep an eye on this hole.
-What are we going to do, sir? For a start, I don't want Hodges' lot around here with all that money lying about.
-Yes, quite.
-All right, that'll do.
We can do without you here.
What are you talking about? This is an ARP matter.
You shouldn't be here.
Clear out! How dare you? This is my bank and I'm responsible for the money in it.
-Are you going or not? -No.
All right.
Now, get out.
What are you doing, pointing that gun at me? Who do you think we are? -You might be looters for all I know.
-Looters? Potential looters.
And there's a war on and I'm entitled to shoot you.
Now, get out.
-And take your rabble with you.
-That's right, Mr Mainwaring, you shoot him.
You mind your own business.
You haven't heard the last of this, Napoleon.
-Come on, lads.
-Out you go.
-You'll hear more of this, I'm telling you.
-All right.
I'll have that.
Now, we're going to get this money together and put it in a place of security where we can keep an eye on it.
Mr Mainwaring, sir, excuse me.
I've got a very good idea.
If we get this money together, then we can put it in a place of security where you can keep an eye on it.
-Thank you, Corporal.
-Thank you, sir.
-We'll take it back to the church hall.
-Something has just occurred to me, George.
We're not at the party now, Wilson.
What I was going to say was, what are we going to carry it in? -Yes, now that is a problem.
-I can let you have a box from the funeral parlour.
Some of you will have to come along and help me to empty it.
Thank you, no, Frazer.
Sir, my sister Dolly keeps her money in a mattress.
Now, if we had a mattress, we could take the stuffing out of it and.
Mr Mainwaring you know your curtains and the curtain poles in your office? See, if we got those down here, we could carry the money in that.
Are there any more ridiculous sugg.
That's a very good idea, Pike.
-Go get them.
-Yes.
-I've had enough.
I'm off.
-Oh, no, you're not.
I need all the help I can get.
But if I start to clamber over all the rubble, I'll ruin me stockings.
Don't worry, love, I'll buy you another pair.
That's what you said the last time we were on a bombsite together.
Captain Mainwaring should be here when there's a raid on.
It's no use going on at me, Vicar.
All I know is Mr Mainwaring is giving a party tonight and I've been left here in charge.
Look at this! Where on earth have you been, Captain Mainwaring? I've no time to discuss that with you now, Vicar.
The bank has been bombed.
Put it down here.
Pour it on top of there.
-How much was there in the vaults? -Oh, it's here somewhere.
According to the books, ?96,4 78, 1 1 shillings and four pence.
-Well, we'll have to count it.
-Yes.
Perhaps you and the verger would help us, Vicar? -Certainly not.
I wouldn't soil my hands with it.
-That's right, Vicar.
Drive them out like the moneychangers in the temple.
Fancy suggesting that we should check money on church property.
Is that why you count the collection in the bar at the Red Lion? How dare you? Get this money out of here as soon as you can.
Come along, Mr Yeatman.
Why do you always count the collection in the bar at the Red Lion? Well, the landlord gives me a hand.
Two heads are better than one.
All right, young lady, you can go home now.
I'm finished with you.
Blimey, you've got a cheek.
-I beg your pardon? -You're just like all men.
You use a girl and when you're finished with her, you cast her off.
Cast her off? Walker, deal with this young lady.
Come on, Shirl, I'll see you to the door.
And what's more, you older men, you're worse than the young ones.
I shall have to talk to Walker about the company he keeps.
I never knew you were interested in girls, George.
How dare you? And for the last time, stop using my Christian name.
I'm terribly sorry.
I do beg your pardon, but you started it.
I just don't seem to be able to get out of the habit.
Go and tell Sponge that I shall want the men to keep an armed guard on this money while we're counting it.
-Right, sir.
-Right.
-Maximum security.
-Of course, yes.
Maximum security, of course.
Now, look, Sponge.
Right.
Now.
You've been a long time, what've you been doing? Well, with all this money lying about, I thought I ought to search her.
-Now, we're going to have to count this money.
-That'll take all night.
-I'd like to be a counter.
May I be a counter, sir? -Yes, all right.
Excuse me, sir? Do you mind? Just a moment.
There seems to be a bit of a problem, sir.
Sponge is sulking.
-Sulking? -Yes, he's sulking.
He doesn't mind he and the others doing the normal Home Guard duties, but they do object to guarding your money.
What's got into them? They're just a bit upset because they weren't invited to the party.
Oh, really! How childish can they get? Tell them I'll give them a party next week.
All right.
Hear that, Sponge? Next week.
-Now, Corporal Jones.
You'll count the ?5 notes.
-?5 notes, sir.
-Walker, the ?1 notes.
-Sir.
Godfrey, the ten shillings.
-Pike, the silver.
-Yes, sir.
And you, Frazer, will count the copper.
Hey! Hold on, that's not fair.
Why should I count the dirty copper? Let me count the ?5 notes and let that old fool count the dirty copper! Not so much of the old fool.
You count the dirty copper like the officer said.
All right, now that's enough of that.
Leave it.
Now, we shall need something to count it on.
Bring that trestle table and a blanket over.
-And Jones? -Sir? Tell the men to form a ring of steel round the money.
Right, sir.
Right, section two, section three, fix bayonets.
Ring of steel, round the money, at the double, form! Now, listen.
Anyone trying to fondle this money, you got to let 'em have it right up.
Ring of steel, about turn! Ring of steel, stand at ease! Ring of steel, 'shun! Ring of steel, stand at ease! Ring of steel at the ready, sir! Every tIme It raIns It raIns pennIes from heaven Don't you know each cloud contaIns pennIes from heaven Now, wait a minute.
Now I'll have to start again.
Wait a minute.
What's that dirty old 1 0 bob note doing in there? Hey, Walker, Walker, this is no time for tomfoolery.
Get on with it.
Pike, did you speak to the manager of the Eastgate branch? Yes, Mr Mainwaring.
I phoned him at home.
He was having a party.
Having a party? It's a nice time to have a party, isn't it? -What'd he say? -He said it's quite all right.
Take the money round tomorrow morning and put it in his vault.
Right, splendid.
Right, go on.
Count the silver.
How are you getting on with the copper, Mr Frazer? Yah! Look at the colour it's turning my hands.
That's all right, it matches your face.
That does it! Captain Mainwaring, either I count the ?5 notes or I'm going home.
All right, change places with Jones.
-That's not fair, sir.
-Now don't argue.
-Let's see how you like counting the dirty copper.
-Yes.
At least I'm highly disciplined! And it's a pleasure to obey Captain Mainwaring's unpleasant orders.
Wilson? Wilson? I'm terribly sorry, sir.
I do beg your pardon.
-I must have dozed off.
-Look here, Wilson, as chief clerk you're just as responsible for this money as I am.
-Of course.
-Go and order a taxi for 9:00 in the morning -to get the stuff over to Eastgate.
-All right, sir.
You better make it two taxis.
One for the money and one for the armed escort.
And remember, Wilson, maximum security.
Yes, of course, yes.
Maximum security, of course.
Keep alert.
They're going all over the floor, Mr Jones.
I'm sorry, I'm doing me best.
I'm not used to this sort of work, you know.
-Look, I tell you what.
-What are you doing? I'm just getting the end of the blanket.
Look, tuck that in your trousers.
-Yes, what for? -Tuck it in.
-And that'll catch the pennies if it drops.
See? -Oh, I see, right.
I'll just give it a try.
That's a good idea.
It worked.
-Did you order the taxi? -I'm afraid not, sir.
The garage was bombed and both the taxis are out of action.
What are we going to do? We've got to get this money to Eastgate in the morning.
-I can get you some transport, sir.
-All right, Walker.
Go deal with it.
Well, men, we seem to have got some sort of order out of the chaos.
Another hour's work should see it finished.
The problem is, what are we going to get this money over to Eastgate in? Mr Mainwaring, there's a laundry basket in the choir room.
It's got all the dirty surpluses in.
You could use that.
-That's a good idea.
Go and get it, Pike.
-Just one thing, sir.
What are we going to do with the surplus surpluses? I don't care what you do with them.
Go and get the basket.
Very good, sir.
There'll be pennIes from heaven for you and me -How much is there? -?96,4 78 and one shilling.
Not bad.
Only ten and fourpence out.
-What time is it? -It's 7:30, sir.
Oh, dear.
-Sponge.
-Sir? You and the men get the blackout screens down and you can go home.
Yes.
-Leave enough rifles for the armed escort.
-Righto, Mr Mainwaring.
Here, we're looking forward to that party.
Come on, lads.
You know, I should think the bank would be grateful to me for saving them this money.
Might even lead to promotion.
Captain Mainwaring, would it never occur to you, man, that we might have had a little to do with the saving of your money? -I got the transport, sir.
It's outside.
-Good.
Pike? -Pike? Come on.
-Get off! Go and get the rifles.
Sir, do you think I might be excused, sir? It's been rather a long night.
Yes, very well.
Right, come along.
Wilson, Pike, here.
-Take the basket.
-Aye, sir.
-Haul it together.
-All right.
Lift.
That's it.
Right.
Left, right.
Left, right.
Left, right.
Right, left.
Right, left.
Keep in step, now.
Left, right.
Left, right.
Left, right.
-Walker, where's the vehicle? -It's there.
-But this is a horse and cart.
-That's right.
But that's absurd.
A horse and cart? I naturally assumed you'd be supplying motor transport.
I couldn't get the petrol.
I mean, there is a war on, you know.
It's very cheap.
-How much? -A fiver.
A fiver? That's absurd.
-Where's the driver? -He's gone away.
If you want a driver, it's an extra fiver.
A fiver for a driver? Get that basket loaded onto the cart.
What a kind face this horse has.
You're not going to drive it, are you? -Certainly I am.
-You know how? For your information, Wilson, my father kept horses.
Did he really? How awfully nice.
-I'm well acquainted with them.
-Ah, good, good.
Whoa! Why does Captain Mainwaring have to go so fast? Mum's going to be furious with me, Uncle Arthur.
Stopping out so late, all night.
She thought I was at Captain Mainwaring's party.
You'll just have to tell her you went to an all-night party.
-Why does he have to drag the lot of us out? -God knows.
We're armed escort.
You heard what Mr Mainwaring said.
He's got to have maxicum security.
Why? Does he think we're going to be attacked by Red Indians? -Uncle Arthur, look! Look! -What? Oh, Lord! Stop! Stop the cart! Mr Mainwaring! He can't hear us! Pike, you're the youngest.
Get on your bike and try and stop him.
Halt, Mr Mainwaring! Stop, Mr Mainwaring, stop! All your money's falling out! I've got to attract his attention.
I know.