Episodes s05e07 Episode Script

1 [KEYS CLACKING.]
She filed a sexual harassment suit against the network.
I assume you're talking about Carol.
You totally brought this on yourself.
You took this wonderful relationship, and you absolutely wrecked it.
She really cared for you.
You were the first boss that actually made her happy.
Here's to the untitled Matt LeBlanc pilot.
He's got to have read it by now.
He's like a goldfish.
The minute we leave his field of vision, he forgets we exist.
[EILEEN.]
Hi, guys.
I just heard from Roger.
- And? - He spoke to Matt.
And? He's passing.
When did this happen? Right after he read it.
[WHISPERING.]
Cobb salad.
[KEYS CLACKING.]
[TYPEWRITER DINGS.]
[WIND BLOWS.]
quirky music [GUNSHOT.]
[KEYS CLACKING.]
[TYPEWRITER DINGS.]
He passed? He passed? He was the one who begged us to write his bloody show, and he passed? - I know.
So what do we do? So is that even a question? Yes, it is.
We are not just giving up.
Look, he obviously has some issues with the script.
Maybe try and find out what they are.
[BEVERLY.]
And how are we supposed to do that? He hasn't answered one text, one email.
- So we go and talk to him.
- Oh, no.
- No, no, no.
- All right.
No need to drop an octave.
No.
So long as we still have an ounce of pride, we're not gonna snivel over to him "Oh, Matt.
How did our work fall short of your expectations? Please, tell us what your needs are, so that we can fulfill them.
Meh, meh, meh, meh.
" It's worth a try.
Quirky music Hello.
Hey.
Haven't seen you guys in a while.
Oh, no, we're not on the list today.
Oh, well, if you're not on the list Right.
Maybe you could give Matt's assistant, Christina, a call.
Sure, hang on.
- Hmm.
- Don't "hmm.
" We're here.
He won't turn us away.
He's not.
It's too awkward.
- You'll see.
- Hmm.
You'll see.
You know, you're not always right.
You're often right, but not alway I'm not enjoying this conversation.
[HORN BEEPING.]
[IN COCKNEY ACCENT.]
Look who's here.
It's their royal 'ighnesses.
[MERC.]
Come here.
[LAUGHS.]
Sorry, she says it's not a good time for him.
No.
I did not see that coming.
- Not a good time for who? - Look, he's about to do a show.
Maybe he's actually got something - This is Matt we're - Would you please stop defending him? He's a little shit.
I always liked you.
I'm not saying he's not a little shit.
I'm just giving him the benefit of Well, don't! He is a selfish, hurtful, poor excuse for a human being, and he knows I'll say it to his face.
The highnesses are with me.
[MERC.]
[LAUGHS.]
Quirky music [KNOCK AT DOOR.]
Yeah? [MERC.]
It's me.
Got a quick question.
It's open.
What? Uh, my question is, is this as awkward as I'm hoping? Hey.
Ah, it is.
- How's it goin'? - How's it going? Uh, on a scale of one to ten, I'd say it's what the fuck? [CHUCKLES.]
Right.
The radio silence has been a bit deafening.
Look, I got a show right now.
Could we maybe do this a little later? Well, that's okay.
I'll tell 'em to hold.
Have fun.
Uh, look, Roger was supposed to call what's-her-name and explain.
Yes, well, all we heard is that you're passing.
Yeah, that's, well, pretty much it.
What does that even mean, you're passing? You're our bloody "co-creator.
" Not to repeat myself, but what the fuck? Okay, obviously, you have a problem with the script.
Obviously.
[SEAN.]
Why didn't you just call us? 'Cause I wanted to avoid this.
Okay, well, we're here now, and we're grown-ups, so we can take it.
Seriously, can we not do this now? No, let's.
Just tell us what your issues are.
It wasn't great.
Well, that was worth 45 minutes on the 405.
What about it wasn't great? I don't know.
It was just nyeh.
- Nyeh? - Nyeh.
I know it's hard to articulate - Anything.
- Any specifics you can give us will be really helpful.
[SIGHS.]
Okay.
The dialogue seemed forced.
The story sounded good when you pitched it, but after I read it, it felt contrived.
I couldn't empathize with the characters.
The relationship between Dick and his son didn't feel organic.
There was no tension, and I didn't care what happened to them.
See, this is why I didn't want to do this.
Okay, okay, well Um, I know it doesn't feel like it, but some of those things are eminently solvable.
Yeah, remember that stupid pig? Up at the ranch? At a certain point, you just got to let it die.
I'm saying we haven't reached that point.
Our pig is still breathing.
- I don't know.
- What don't you know? I've, uh kind of moved on.
What does that mean? I'm kind of doing another show.
- You're what? - What? - [KNOCK AT DOOR.]
- Yeah? We're ready for you.
Thanks.
I got to go.
It's a big night.
We're bringing the llama back.
[SEAN.]
What do you mean you're doing another show? Uh, yeah, the one where I'm a hit man in Florida with my mother.
The one you said you hated? Well, the script came out pretty good, and the network's really hot on it.
So you're already committed to it? Kind of.
Our bodies aren't even cold yet! Look, it's pilot season.
They had someone else they were talking to.
They put a clock on it.
And you didn't even have the decency, the human decency, to tell us? Because I didn't want to do this.
That's what we have people for! There is a huge difference between having people and being people.
You have failed spectacularly at the second one.
Okay, seriously, can we not do this now? [AUDIENCE.]
Matt, Matt! Matt! Matt! You realize Hey, yeah.
[ALL CLAMORING, CAMERA SHUTTERS CLICKING.]
[MAN.]
Thanks.
You realize that you were the one who convinced us to leave our show? Yes, it had its problems, but at least we had a show.
Now we have nothing.
What are we supposed to do? I don't know.
Go home.
You always say you hate it here.
So now you're throwing us out of your country? What happened to the gorilla? Oh, you can keep that.
That was for you.
No, not the actual gorilla.
You were supposed to be our gorilla.
You said you'd protect us.
I am protecting you.
If that script went on the air, it would've killed your careers.
What careers? You duplicitous lump of fuckery! Don't try to pretend you're doing it for us.
- We're ready to start.
- Oh, no.
Let's give 'em another minute or two.
Look, I wanted to love it.
I fucking wanted it to be great.
But it's not.
You know, the truly remarkable thing is that I didn't see any of this coming, given that every shitty thing that's happened to us since we got here comes back to you.
Here we go.
From ruining Lyman's Boys to getting us to leave Opposites to fucking my wife! [AUDIENCE GASPS.]
[LLAMA GRUNTS.]
The one good thing that's come out of this is that finally he can see you for who you are.
You have no loyalty.
People are disposable to you.
That you were on a show called Friends is so beyond ironic! You know what? You don't need to play your father.
You are your father.
[KEYS CLACKING.]
Quirky music [TYPEWRITER DINGS.]
Okay.
I've narrowed it down to these three.
I want something that says, "I'm a professional," but also, "I'm a victim.
" How about the black one and a rape whistle? Also it should be hot enough that you'd believe she went after me, but not so hot that I might've seduced her.
- Uh-huh.
- Oh, and I want something a little lesbian-y but also soft enough that you'd believe it was my first time down there.
Right.
I think you're gonna have to wear a coming-of-age novel.
What? You're asking the impossible.
From a dress.
Look, I've never been to a deposition.
I assume they last for hours.
Just pick something that's comfortable and doesn't show sweat stains.
[SIGHS.]
Fine.
Just answer me this.
I don't want to show the baby bump, do I? Not unless you're prepared to explain how she knocked you up.
[GROANS.]
I am so dreading this.
M-more important than the dress, have you thought about what you're gonna say? I don't know.
I'm just gonna tell what happened.
Right, but I think you should be ready for the kinds of questions.
Like? - Miss Rance.
- Oh, so we're doing this now.
Is this the first employer that you've had a relationship with? - They don't know that.
- Helen knows, so they know.
Answer the question, please.
[SIGHS.]
No, it's not the first.
How many of your former bosses have you had affairs with? - I don't remember.
- How many? Three.
Oh, four.
Five.
Five.
So you were really an old hand at this.
One could almost call it a pattern.
Why are you pacing? No one paces.
They're just in chairs.
So the consequences should not have been surprising to you at all.
- Isn't that true? - Whose side are you on? You have to be ready for this.
Answer the question.
W-W-what was the question? Who initiated the relationship, you or Mrs.
Basch? - It was kind of mutual.
- Mutual? - More her, I guess.
- Did you try and stop her? - Uh, maybe? - Did you? - No.
- Did you encourage her? - No! - Is this the first time that you'd ever been with a woman? - Yes! - Was it? Okay, once, at theater camp.
It was at the cast party for You're a Good Man, Charlie Brown.
She was Lucy, I was Patty, and we were both really, really stoned.
- Really? - Oh, fuck.
I'm gonna fry.
[KEYS CLACKING.]
He's right.
It's not good.
- I know.
- How far are you? Further than I want to be.
How did we not realize? It's like those Capri pants you had when we first met.
You thought you looked so We agreed we'd never discuss the Capri pants.
Your little ankles.
Like a hairy Jackie Onassis.
Fine.
We will recover from this.
I know.
Actually, I don't know, but I'm sure you're right.
You always are.
Oh.
Just got to the scene in the park.
- Stop.
- I can't.
Well, if you need a distraction What? Oh.
I'm sorry.
Right now, I'm feeling rather inconsolable.
Although you're welcome to try.
Turned on by my hairy Jackie O ankles? They're all I can think about.
[LAUGHS.]
[KEYS CLACKING.]
Quirky music [DOG BARKING.]
[TYPEWRITER DINGS.]
You're up early.
Never went to sleep.
Seriously? Clearly I was missed.
Between the Ambien and the Chardonnay, be happy I'm alive.
What are you doing? Writing.
Darling, let it go.
It's the one thing he said that's true, "Let the pig die.
" It's something new.
Really? Can I see? Uh, no, it's too soon.
All right.
No.
No.
[SCOFFS.]
Fine.
Whenever you're ready.
Now.
Read it now.
Oh, my.
Write what you know.
[LAUGHS.]
Which bit? Oh, good.
This is exciting.
Yes? I am very happy.
Good.
I'm going to sleep.
Your turn.
Quirky music [KEYBOARD CLACKING.]
[TYPEWRITER DINGS.]
Oh, my God.
Feel how wet my hands are.
- That's okay.
- Seriously, feel them.
Seriously, I know what wet feels like.
Sorry.
I don't want to mess up my suit.
That's fine.
I'm here for you and your glands.
[SIGHS.]
Why am I putting myself through this? Just keep telling yourself it's for the baby.
It's for the baby's house.
It's for the baby's college fund.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
And it's so you can buy dope again.
Yes.
Hopefully, there'll be a little left over for the baby's therapist.
Oh, God.
Oh, God.
Oh, God.
- What? - The stairs.
Don't look.
I said don't look! Calm down.
Take a breath.
- Is she looking? - You just said don't look! Why is she here? They said she wasn't gonna be here.
Well, obviously, they were wrong.
Fuck.
I'm gonna throw up.
You are not gonna throw up.
Focus on me.
Act like we're talking.
Applesauce.
Applesauce.
- Applesauce.
- What? - Just say it.
- Applesauce.
Applesauce.
Applesauce.
[BOTH LAUGH.]
She's almost at the lift.
Hang in there.
I really think I'm gonna throw up.
- Really really? - Applesauce.
Uh, the ladies' room? - We're standing up.
- [GIGGLES NERVOUSLY.]
- Breathe.
- [GASPING.]
There we go.
Very good.
We're walking.
We're walking.
Is she still there? I don't know.
I'm not looking.
- I'm gonna look.
- Do not look.
I'm looking.
[CAROL.]
Shit! She saw me looking.
[BEVERLY.]
Told you not to look! Oh, God.
Oh, God.
Oh, God.
- Do you still need to throw up? - Maybe.
No.
I'm okay.
H-h-h-holy shit! Listen to me.
The worst is over.
You saw her.
She saw you.
You didn't burst into tears Mmm.
or burst into flames.
You are stronger than you think you are.
[DOOR CREAKS OPEN.]
[BOTH YELLING.]
We need to talk.
[VOMITING.]
Are you all right in there? [CAROL.]
Fine! [VOMITING.]
I'm gonna go.
[CAROL.]
No! Stay.
Okay.
[CAROL.]
[COUGHING AND VOMITING.]
So how are you? Wildly uncomfortable.
As you should be.
[CAROL.]
[RETCHING.]
So, uh Matt's doing that hit man thing.
What happened there? Oh, it's not worth going into.
Okay.
[RETCHING CONTINUES.]
Sean and I started something new.
Ah? For us? - Possibly.
- Good.
Good.
I don't want to pre-sell it, but I think you'll - [CAROL.]
Seriously? - [BEVERLY AND HELEN.]
Sorry.
[TOILET FLUSHING.]
So You wanted to talk? Should I go or Yeah.
Go.
I'm good.
- You sure? - Mm-hmm.
All right.
I'll be right outside.
Holler if you need me.
Okay, look.
No, you look.
Two of us went into this thing, but only one of us still has a job.
Only one of us got to go on with her life like nothing ever happened.
Wait.
Shh, shh.
No, you shh, shh, shh! I didn't deserve this.
You're right.
Yeah, I am.
All the shit that went down, that's on me.
Yep.
Uh-huh.
I got nuts.
I was like a sick fucking fuck.
I swear to God, I look back, and I'm like I finally started seeing this shrink.
- Little late.
- Probably.
Anyway, she seems smart.
I don't know.
Mostly, we talk about you.
Good.
Even she couldn't believe some of the shit I pulled.
She says that's what I do when I'm in love.
It's some kind of abandonment thing and all kinds of crap with my father.
Wait.
You were in love? Oh, come on.
Really? You knew that.
- Nope.
- Yeah, you did.
You never said it.
- But you knew it.
- I did not.
Come on.
Of course I love you.
Loved.
Loved.
Da.
Da.
Fine.
Love.
[SNIFFLES BRIEFLY.]
Really? I miss you so fucking much.
I miss you too.
[WOMAN.]
Excuse me? Um, can you keep talking? [WOMAN.]
'Cause I'm never gonna be able to pee if you're both listening.
[BOTH.]
Sorry.
Better? [WOMAN.]
Thank you.
I think about you all the time.
[SIGHS.]
I think about you too.
Oh, my God.
I can't even sleep in my bed anymore.
It's too depressing.
That makes me so happy.
And then that fucking movie Carol came out.
I mean, seriously? Those two women, and it's so hot, and it's called Carol? It fucking killed me.
Aww.
[LAUGHS.]
I thought it was kind of slow.
It was slow.
Yeah.
I never gave you back one of your T-shirts.
It still smells like you.
Oh, like in a gross way? No, not in a gross way.
Which one? The blue James Perse.
Oh, Jesus.
I've been looking all over for that.
- You want it back? - No.
- You sure? - Yeah.
I mean, if you want it - Wait.
- What? [EXHALES SHARPLY AND SNIFFS.]
Oh, I need a mint.
- You're fine.
- Really? I'm not vomit-y? No.
[WOMAN.]
I have a mint! - Thank you.
- That's okay! [SIGHS.]
I want another chance.
- No.
- No, it wouldn't be like No.
I can't.
You wrecked me.
I'm so fuckin' sorry.
Look, if I could undo everything but if there's any way you'll let me show you that I don't have to be that person Oh, fuck it.
All right.
But if if we open this door again Oh, please! Let's open the door.
- Open the door! - [LAUGHS.]
[BOTH.]
Not you! - If.
- Right.
We are gonna take it slow.
Absolutely.
Slow.
None of this, "We're moving in.
We're getting a dog.
" Totally.
Slow.
Slow.
We don't even have to sleep together until Well, I'm not saying that.
[LAUGHS.]
So this is happening? Slowly.
But happening? But happening.
[CHUCKLES.]
Also there's one other thing you should know.
[GASPS.]
We're having a baby! - We just said - Oh, so what? [WOMAN.]
Congratulations.
[KEYS CLACKING.]
[KNOCK AT DOOR.]
[SEAN.]
Coming! Always look first.
Maniacs seldom knock.
Hey.
Always look.
This is for you.
You know what it is? - We're not doing this.
- Come on.
- What is it? - No.
Maybe in the light.
How about now? - Some kind of snake thing? - No.
- A chocolate Mr.
Whippy.
- I don't know who that is.
No.
- And it's not a snake thing? - No.
[SCOFFS.]
See, this is what I was afraid of.
I told Christina, "They're not gonna know what it is," and you can't believe what it fuckin' cost to make.
Good.
I hope you wasted a lot of money.
It's a turd.
You made us a turd? Yeah.
It's like the gorilla, only I'm not a gorilla.
Turns out I'm a piece of shit.
Didn't need an upholstered poo to tell us that.
I'm a piece of shit, and I'm sorry.
You are a sorry piece of shit.
I know.
I know! I can't stop thinking about that thing you said about me being like my father, and I fuckin' hate it.
Touched a nerve, did we? My father walked out on us, and what did I do? I fuckin' walked out on you.
I didn't know if you were headed back home or not, but I had to see you before you go.
And for whatever it's worth you were right.
And this is how I feel.
There you go.
I'm sorry.
- You read our new script.
- Ah, so what? [GASPS.]
Oh, my God.
You got to let me play this guy.
Have you no shame? - Nyeh.
- I can't even! This needs to be a much bigger piece of shit! Look, I really do feel bad about what happened.
Honest.
Honest like when you said you thought we were going home? Even when you already knew we were doing the new show? That was then.
It was 30 seconds ago! You got to let some stuff go.
- We're done here.
- Come on! This is the show we should've done all along! How could you possibly think, given everything that's happened You have treated us so horrendously, and then you expect us to just take you back? But that's kind of our thing.
It's not a good thing.
You're the abusive boyfriend we never had.
Calm down.
People break up and get back together all the time.
- Stupid people.
- You guys did.
We love each other.
And you don't think there's love here? [BOTH.]
No! [GASPS.]
Come on! A little love.
A little.
A little Do you honestly believe that you can just bat your eyes and turn on your theoretical Matt LeBlanc charm and we'll swoon like those idiot girls you screw? - A little? - No! - No? - No.
You can try to woo us with all the plushy turds you like.
I'm afraid your shit no longer impresses us.
[CHUCKLING.]
That's your fake laugh.
See, you guys know me so well! Look, do you want me to read for it? I'll read for it.
But I'll tell you right now, you're not gonna do any better.
Oh, really? You'd be surprised at who's already been cast.
I know.
I heard.
But for this part? I am that guy.
And you knew it when you wrote it.
Look.
I know you're pissed.
I'd be pissed at me too.
I was a dick.
But don't punish your show for it.
What about the show you're already doing? Fuck it.
So you're willing to do to that writer what you've just apologized to us for? This is different.
I have a history with you.
There's love here.
I'm telling you.
Love! It wouldn't be your production company.
Nyeh.
You wouldn't even be a producer.
Who wants to be a producer? Neither would Riskin and Shrimpkin or Shrimkin or That's fine.
I never even met Shrimpkin.
- It's Shimkin! - Whatever.
So? What do you say? [SIGHS.]
Yes! See? A little love.
- A little love.
- No.
A little love.
Come on.
- No, no, no.
- Comin' in.
No, no, no, no, no.
No! [SCREAMS.]
Get him off me.
[KEYS CLACKING.]
[TYPEWRITER DINGS.]
Light instrumental music [INDISTINCT CHATTER.]
- [MAN.]
Whoo-hoo! - [WHISTLES AND APPLAUSE.]
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
[WIND WHOOSHING.]
Quirky music [LAUGHS.]
Mm-hmm.
[CHUCKLES.]
[GUNSHOT.]
[CHUCKLING.]
[GROANS.]
Gentle piano music - [BEVERLY.]
No, no, no.
- [SEAN.]
No.
[BEVERLY.]
Ow, ow, ow! - [SEAN.]
Stop it.
- [KEYS CLACKING.]
Quirky music [KEYS CLACKING.]
[TYPEWRITER DINGS.]