Gilmore Girls s05e07 Episode Script

- I'm late.
|- I know.
Blame the insane people|driving in front of me.
They had a "Honk, if you|love to scuba dive" bumper sticker - on the back of their car, so I honked.
|- You don't scuba dive.
Yes, but I've been testing people|who have "honk" bumper stickers lately to see if they really want people to honk.
Guess what? They don't.
|I lay on my horn and this alleged scuba diver|slows to a crawl in front of me just out of revenge, and I'm screwed.
- You need a hobby.
|- Yes, actually.
Come on.
Rory's waiting.
- What happened?|- She honked.
Another bumper-sticker test.
I just thought of a great idea|for a reality show.
You pull people over who have those "honk, if you love to whatever"|bumper stickers you kidnap them and you make them do whatever the bumper sticker|says they like to do whether they do it or not,|and then you make them eat bugs.
- So, I hear you have a new boyfriend.
|- How did you- - Not from me.
|- Don't jump on Rory.
- How, Mom?|- Kirk told me.
- Kirk?|- Kirk who? - How many Kirks do you know?|- My Kirk! Stars Hollow Kirk?|Kirk, who hasn't started shaving yet, Kirk? How did you find out from him? I called the Inn looking for you,|and Michel answered but he was in the middle|of some argument with your horse veterinarian.
Then there was a cracking sound,|and the phone went dead.
Then there was another man's|voice saying "hello.
" - Kirk?|- Bob.
- The gardener?|- More twists than O.
Henry.
He told me something|in a heavy Spanish accent all while Michel was yelling|at the vet in French.
I leave and the UN erupts.
Then Kirk came on.
|He was there delivering something.
And when I told him I was looking|for you he told me you were probably|at your boyfriend Luke Danes' house.
- Why were you hiding it from me?|- I wasn't hiding it.
You jumped on Rory when you thought|she told me.
You were hiding it.
- She did not jump on me, Grandma.
|- Yeah, and I wasn't hiding it.
The only reason I reacted to Kirk|the way I did is that he's not in this world,|he's in my other world.
It's as if I, out of the blue, told you|I was having tea with Mrs.
Van-uppity.
- Who?|- Hortense Van-uppity tight bun, lace collar,|tiny poodle, fictional friend? You keep so much from me|with these separate worlds of yours.
It's not right.
I will try harder to merge the worlds.
|I promise.
Start now.
I want to meet this Luke Danes.
You've met him.
Not in this capacity.
I need to re-meet him.
Well, I'm sure that day will come.
- Next week.
|- What? You have a gentleman friend|of significance.
Rhett is my gentleman friend, yes.
So, it's only proper that you introduce him|to your mother.
Unless he's insignificant.
I don't want to meet a passing ship.
|That's a waste of my time.
- Is Luke a passing ship? Is he insignificant?|- No, he's not.
I'll get my book,|and we will pick a date next week.
- Mom.
|- Next week.
- But I-|- Next week! Honk, if Emily Gilmore views your mind|as her personal playground.
Honk.
We eat it, we breathe it.
|It's our heart and lungs.
What is it? The three basics: Accuracy, accuracy, and accuracy.
It's my head that'll end up|on a platter, okay? Let's go the extra yard.
Protect my head.
Headache, Doyle? Charles Kuralt used to eat aspirin|like candy.
Ate candy like candy, too.
|Hence the belly like Jell-O.
That was mean.
The man's dead.
So, how's the story coming|on that secret society? The Life and Death Brigade.
|Get this, I've got a contact.
- Inside?|- Deep inside.
- Who?|- Anonymous.
Don't ask again.
- Your call.
|- I'm gonna tell this story from the inside.
- You'll be careful?|- Careful enough.
- Well, stay on it.
|- You bet.
I love this.
We just had|a very "All the President's Men "moment.
Very! Moving around the newsroom like that.
|Felt good.
Let's do it again sometime.
- Now?|- Might look silly.
- Carry on.
|- Right, chief.
There you are.
Club sandwich.
Burger, well done, fries.
|Let me know if you need anything.
Hey, What's up?|You're acting all squirrelly.
- I'm ready now.
|- For what? To date.
- Well!|- That offer's still good, right? - Yeah, still good.
|- Okay.
So, we should pick a time.
- Sure.
|- How about now? - I'm kind of working.
|- Right.
How about tonight? - I've got band practice.
|- Right.
- And so do you.
|- Because we're in the same band.
Okay, so, we'll figure it out.
- We'll figure it out.
|- Cool.
- See you at home.
|- Yeah, see you.
Okay.
Hey, Lane.
How's it going? - Good, very good.
|- Lucky you.
Hey! - How dark is it?|- How dark is what? The cumulus nimbus|hovering over my head.
- The black cloud.
Was that a drop?|- What are you talking about? - I have some very bad news.
|- What? My mother is insisting|on having dinner with us.
- That's it?|- Did you hear what I said mother, dinner, us? That's on a par with car test,|crash test dummy.
Don't worry.
I am going to do|whatever it takes to get us out of this.
I promise.
- Why?|- What do you mean, why? Let's just do it, get it over with.
Meeting the parents|comes with the territory.
- We can't put it off forever.
|- Oh, yeah? My fourth-grade teacher|wanted a meeting with my parents she was hit by a bus, six years ago.
|Never got the meeting.
- Book it.
|- Luke! - Book it.
|- Okay.
But I'm warning you,|if I call and tell her it's on and then you change your mind|and want to back out we're gonna have to leave the country|and have extensive facial surgery and sex changes.
Both of us,|so that we can kiss and not look funny.
- I'm not gonna change my mind.
|- Okay, fine.
I'll just call and tell her now.
What is happening?|Something dark is happening here.
It is heavy like iron! Did you feel that ice-cold wind|that just passed through? - Make the call.
|- "I see dead people.
" Make the call.
- This is a house?|- This is a house.
What a waste.
See, this is what causes peasants|to revolt.
- This is how heads end up on pikes.
|- Open with that.
That's a great icebreaker.
Hey, listen, I want you to be careful|about your consumption of booze.
I'm not gonna drink too much.
No! You got it backwards there, Pablo,|ride the pink elephant, baby because it's your only defense|against Emily Gilmore - unless you're packing a Kalashnikov.
|- Yeah.
Shouldn't you ring the bell or something? A little strategy.
|Here's the front door.
We're here.
Drink cart's here.
|It's knock, knock, open the door.
"Hi.
" Turn left, veer right, pass the couch,|we're at the booze.
Any questions? Yeah, shouldn't you get|a massage or something? - Take off your coat.
|- It's cold.
No, it's time-consuming.
Roll it in a ball and have it ready|to hand off to the maid.
Yeah.
- Hi.
Hello.
|- Hi.
Come in, please.
Okay.
Thank you.
I am sorry.
- May I take your coats?|- Yeah, got mine all ready.
There you go.
- I'm Luke.
|- I'm the maid.
Nice to meet you.
- That was so sweet and innocent.
|- Well! Our honored guest.
- Welcome.
|- Mom, Luke.
Luke, Mom.
We've met, Lorelai.
Several times.
I was just re-introducing you,|as per your instructions.
- Good to see you again, Mrs.
Gilmore.
|- No, it's Emily.
I insist.
Nice to see you, Emily.
- Drinks?|- We're in the foyer.
- Let's change that.
|- Not if Luke wants a tour.
Okay.
Foyer, staircase, upstairs.
Dining room, kitchen, weird piano area|that we never really named.
And right through here is the living room.
Yeah, I don't need a tour, thanks.
Then, let's go in the living room.
Your house is beautiful.
- They don't make them like this anymore.
|- I'll say.
They make everything|out of cardboard now - white boxes with heating vents.
|- The art of craftsmanship is dead.
- Gin.
|- Do you have Tourette's or something? I am sorry.
I thought I heard you say: "What would you like to drink?" - I was getting there.
|- Gin martini, please.
I already made a pitcher of martinis,|but they're vodka.
- Vodka's perfect.
Double with a twist.
|- So, two cold martinis with a twist.
- And, Luke, how would you like a beer?|- Great.
Or maybe Luke would like to choose|his own drink.
That's a thought.
Yes, I'm sorry, Luke.
You can have whatever you like.
|I've got it all.
- Beer is perfect.
|- Beer it is.
Oh, no, she's got everything.
She's got Scotch, rum,|whiskey, red wine She's not kidding, she's got it all.
- Beer is perfect.
|- Okay, bring him a beer.
- Here we are.
|- Thank you.
Thank you, Emily.
The beer is nice and cold.
|I almost want one myself.
You can have some of mine if you want.
So, how's that diner of yours? It's doing great.
No matter what the economic climate,|people gotta eat.
That is so true.
And I thought your place|was very charming.
Nice and rustic.
- Do you need a cough drop?|- She's fine.
- Where'd your martini go?|- To a happy place.
- Do you want another?|- Does Pavarotti want another doughnut? - That's a "yes"?|- I'll pour it, Emily.
Thank you, Luke.
|I should go check on dinner.
- Will you excuse me?|- Absolutely.
- Unbelievable.
|- I know.
She didn't make nearly enough.
- I meant you.
You're acting crazy.
|- She's insulting you.
- No, she's not.
Your mom's being great.
|- What? Were you in the room? - Did you not hear the awful thing she said?|- What did she say? - Rustic diner, "rustic"?|- So? Backhand slang for "crap pile.
" Or she was admiring its vintage feel.
- What was the other word she used?|- Charming? Slang for "doggy poopy.
" Unbelievable.
Wait, what was the beer thing?|Oh, my God- That was nice.
I wanted beer.
She was considerate enough to anticipate|that that might be the case.
The word "beer":|backhand slang for "nitwit juice.
" You're reading way too much into this.
Excuse me, but I would defer|to the Gilmore expert here.
I am the Oracle.
I carry all the knowledge.
Well, I would like you to calm down,|because you're making me nervous.
- I'm trying to protect you.
|- I'm a grown man and this isn't my first foray|into the big city.
I've dealt with all types|of people in my life.
- Rich, poor, snobby, proud.
I can handle it.
|- But- And by you jumping in after|everything your mother says makes me look weak,|and I don't want to look weak.
- I don't want you to, either.
|- Then, give me my space, okay? Please.
Okay, I'll give you your space.
Dinner is going to be as good as it smells,|I guarantee it.
- It smells wonderful, Emily.
|- Thank you, Luke.
It's nice to have a kind gentleman|in the house.
- Thank you.
|- So, you're recently divorced? Yeah, I guess.
Although it depends on|what you'd call "recently.
" You've been divorced in the last year.
|That would be recent.
- Yeah, yes.
|- Terrible, the divorce rate, isn't it? Yes, it's terrible.
- I'm sure it was inevitable in your case.
|- Turned out that way.
I hope there weren't children.
- No.
|- Divorce destroys children.
But without children,|you're only harming yourself.
Of course, nowadays|people get married for fun.
Apparently there's nothing good on TV.
Hey, it's Dean.
So, we were supposed to get together|the day after tomorrow but I have to canceI.
Again.
One day, I'm gonna have one job,|not three which will simplify everything.
I hope.
Anyway, I was hoping we could|somehow hook up tomorrow night.
I forget if you have something going on.
But I've got a three-hour window,|and I was thinking dinner or something.
Maybe we can meet halfway|between Yale and Stars Hollow.
That probably puts us on the interstate meaning the $6.
99 surf-and-turf speciaI|but, hell, I'm a cheap date.
Not the most romantic get-together for us,|but something's better than nothing.
Let me know.
Bye.
End of messages.
Diners are generally so filthy.
|I'm sure yours isn't.
But the horror stories you hear.
I read that one in Vermont got caught|serving roadkill.
- Do you know what that is?|- Yeah, it's dead animals from the street.
From the street, from backyards,|fished out of pools.
These diners find it and serve it.
|Again, probably not yours.
But the fact that this place|got away with it at all is astounding.
I guess people who frequent diners don't|look too closely at what they're eating - out of self-defense.
|- We don't serve roadkill at my place.
Good for you.
I had a friend who ate at a diner once,|and the next day she dropped dead.
Her family considered suing the place but there's nothing to get|from these people.
A couple of stools and a toaster.
But they were sure|it was a matter of hygiene and they eventually drove them|out of the state.
I don't want to tell you what they found|when they moved the stove.
Would you like another beer, Luke? An opiate for the masses.
|Well, so what? We all have our opiates.
For some, it's ballet.
|For Luke, it's baseball.
Whoever I heard say it just happened|to say it about what Luke likes.
Oh, no! Some workman has left|his filthy truck in our clean driveway.
- Richard must have sent for him.
|- That's mine, actually.
Well, it's nice, rustic.
- I like the color.
|- Thank you.
And I like this coat of yours.
There's something nice|about simple cloth.
- Thanks.
|- This was wonderful.
Don't be a stranger, all right.
- I won't.
Thank you, Emily.
|- Goodbye.
Bye, Lorelai.
- Bye, Mom.
|- Thanks again.
You know what's amazing? - I mean, truly amazing?|- What? She never said anything|directly bad about me or the diner or anything else concerning me.
- She's good.
|- And all I did was thank her, over and over.
- She'd hammer me, and I'd thank her.
|- It's a talent.
"Rustic" really did sound like|"crap pile" that time.
Come on, babe, you'll feel better|about halfway home.
- Good.
|- Then the eye-popping nausea will hit you.
The rich food mixes|with the bitter memories - and it all gets worse, then it gets better.
|- Good! Until you get to Route 44,|and then you hit bottom.
- Good grief!|- I'll be ready with a tongue depressor to prevent you from swallowing|your tongue.
I keep them in my purse.
Step up.
- Hey, Ace, you ready?|- Well - Hit it!|- Not so loud.
- You're very auditorially sensitive today.
|- And your voice helps.
- Is the blindfold secure?|- Secure and in place.
- Our anonymity is crucial, Logan.
Crucial.
|- What's wrong with Finn? - Great job with the blindfold, Logan.
|- I recognize your voices, Colin.
- Could everyone keep it down, please?|- Can we remove the blindfold now? - We're also hiding our destination.
|- We had to leave at this ungodly hour.
It's 4:00 in the afternoon.
- He's got a thing about the sun.
|- It's too bright.
So, how come you're not wearing|your gorilla masks? - She can see.
|- I can tell because your voices aren't muffled.
- She's sharp.
|- Who's the girl? I've been told we've met.
|I have no memory of it.
- Gorilla girl.
|- Isn't that a pretty nickname.
- By the way, this thing's overnight.
|- Overnight? - Didn't I mention that before?|- Must have slipped your mind.
It doesn't screw up anything for you,|does it? - No.
|- No? - Nope.
|- New schedule.
Good.
We like our schedules loose,|like our women.
- Clever.
|- My God, it's early.
- Luke's.
|- Good afternoon.
- I'm calling for Mr.
Luke Danes.
|- This is Luke Danes.
Please hold for Mr.
Gilmore.
What? For who? Hello? Luke? Richard Gilmore here.
Hi, Richard Mr.
Gilmore, sir.
|How are you? I'm fine, thank you.
Listen, I thought we could meet|for a round of golf, you and I.
- Golf?|- Tomorrow afternoon is good for me.
Is that good for you? - Well|- Good.
I'll have Margie call you back|with the details.
- Okay.
|- Wonderful! I look forward to it.
See you at the club.
Yeah.
See you at the club.
This mountain air has revivified me! - Make sure he doesn't run off a cliff.
|- Stephanie, it's your turn.
Danny, slow down! - You're okay?|- I smell trees.
Nothing gets past you.
- So, the firing squad is just up ahead?|- Yeah, and there's a line.
Damn.
Seriously, Logan,|is the blindfold coming off or am I Patty Hearst-ing it the whole trip? It's coming off.
It's coming off, right now.
Oh, my! - You cannot go golfing with my father.
|- It's a done deaI.
What is that man up to? What is he doing? What are you doing? I'm looking for a book|my dad had somewhere around here Learn Golf the Arnold Palmer Way.
|I can't find it.
I beseech you,|do not go golfing with my father.
- It's too late.
I said "yes.
"|- Why did you say "yes"? - I had no choice.
|- Saying "no" was a choice.
Did you learn nothing|from the dinner with my mother? - Apparently not.
|- Call him and cancel.
Right.
And how would he take that? Badly.
That's why you hang up real quick.
This is a good way to start|a relationship with your father? No, this is the way to end it.
|God, you're slow.
Listen, call him and tell him that when he called,|you had just dropped some peyote and you were tripping|and you were seeing vapors and that that's why you agreed,|but then you've landed and you realized that you can't go.
|Wait, do you smoke peyote? We should get that straight|before you call him.
Backing out will make it worse.
But do you even know how to play golf? I took a course in summer schooI,|but I accidentally hit Kent Coleda in the head with a driver|and got asked to leave.
But I think I remember the basics.
|You grab the club, whack the ball.
I'll fake it.
- Luke-|- Don't worry.
I'll be fine.
Okay.
Fine, then.
Bye.
- Hello?|- Hi, Dad.
I need a favor the biggest favor|I may ever ask you for, ever.
- I don't like the sound of this.
|- Please cancel this golf game with Luke.
- What? No.
|- But why? I mean, why are you doing this? - What is the point?|- How is this even your business? - He's my boyfriend.
|- And this is my right.
Your mother already met him|at a secret dinner I only found out about because her blabbermouth maid|told my valet.
- So, now I want to meet him.
|- But you've already met him.
I need to re-meet him.
Why can't you and Mom|meet someone once and make it stick? I insist upon this golf game.
- He doesn't even golf.
|- He said he did.
Yeah, well, he whacked Kent Coleda|in the head with a club okay, so you're taking your life|in your own hands.
You want to reconsider now?|You like your head, huh? Lorelai, the tee time is set,|Luke has said "yes" to my proposal - and tomorrow Luke and I are golfing.
|- Have fun.
This is not about having fun.
|This is protocol.
Have a good protocol, Dad.
Bye.
- Is this what you expected?|- No, not at all what I expected.
Let me guess what you were thinking:|sleeping bag, flashlights, keg three boxes of stale Triscuits,|half-eaten bag of Oreos some Doritos, and a bong.
- That may be exactly what I pictured.
|- You can apologize later.
This is yours.
Mine? Not much closet space,|but the view is decent.
It's cozy.
Festivities start in a half-hour.
Dean, hi.
It's me.
I got your call.
I would love to have dinner|with you tonight but something unbelievably unexpected|came up and it's gonna keep me busy|for a couple of days.
I'd give you more info,|but it's all a little Daliesque and hard to explain.
I'll fill you in when I get home,|if I get home.
Just kidding.
I hope.
Bye.
- Am I early?|- Right on time.
You look good.
Thanks.
So do you.
|Have I seen those pants? I got them from the bottom of my drawer.
- I forgot I had them.
|- Cool.
So, what do you feel like doing? We could drive somewhere.
We just have to stop for gas|and add some oil and put air in the tires,|and we'd have to stop by an ATM.
Or we could hang out here.
- You sure?|- Yeah.
Okay.
Cool.
Let's get a pizza and watch something|and just hang out.
Great.
What do you want to watch? Want to finish watching|what we started last night? Yeah.
Great.
Hey, guys.
"Stop Making Sense.
" Great! This is where we left off last night.
- What are you doing?|- Watching TV.
Brian, this is a date.
What? - Lane and I are kind of on a date right now.
|- You are? - But this is what we did last night.
|- I know.
- So, last night was a date, too?|- That was not a date.
I was in my underwear.
But we did exactly the same thing.
|You just had no pants.
We're kind of starting to date,|and this is what we're gonna do.
- So, where do I go?|- Well, how about my room? Really? You never let me in your room.
- Well, now is your chance.
|- Great! Wait, hold on.
- Shouldn't we leave your room empty?|- Why? You know, in case the date goes good.
- Brian, go in my room.
|- Thanks.
Man, it smells good in here.
Come, come, milady.
Hey, Rory Gilmore.
This is quite a soiree.
Are all the Life and Death Brigade|gatherings this elaborate? How about bland balking|at political or social stands? Ridiculous.
Total standstill for all|in this vicinity.
- What do you say?|- I concur.
Crazy construct if you think for a bit.
Dubious logic,|if you ask this thoughtful guy.
Hello, everybody.
- My God.
|- Shocking.
Silly girl.
Not adjusting|to this proud point of ours.
- Sad, this diminishing vision.
|- Excuse me? - Faux pas count is six, I say?|- Six, no doubt.
I again concur.
Point of fact, daft lady to catch on would prompt|our congratulations.
- It's a game?|- At which you totally fail.
- You want for instruction?|- Apparently.
Said gap twixt "d" and "f"|shall not slip from lips in any word this group allows.
Said gap twixt "d" and "f.
"|You're not using the letter "e"? Says this thing, our group did banish.
- Loud for all to drink in.
|- Daft girl.
So, no one is supposed|to say the letter "e"? My God.
This woman hounds us|with this thing I banish.
- Dumbfounding.
|- I'll catch up with you guys later.
Have fun.
If that's what you're doing.
- Bloody horror, that woman.
|- Ostracism should occur, I think.
Hi, Stephanie.
Good.
You're using "E's.
" No champagne? No, I'll have a little later.
- So, is Logan the head of the group?|- There's no head of the group, Rory.
We're an anarchic collective.
|We don't recognize leaders, per se.
Plus, it's a secret.
|I shouldn't be talking to you.
Warning sign.
Because the way that people act|around him, Logan kind of seems- - Cute?|- No.
- No?|- Yes, but- There's a line to get to him.
No, I'm not looking to get in a line.
|I'm a reporter.
I bet you're a good reporter|and a very good girl.
Oh dear, I'm talking to you.
|I shouldn't be talking to you.
I have to kill myself now.
Excuse me.
Hi.
I was wondering is the safari theme|something you always do or do you choose different themes? - May I quote Max Ernst?|- Sure.
- How goes it, pariah?|- Logan? - Word was a bear dragged you off.
|- No bear.
I just wanted a quiet place|to collect my thoughts.
- You found it.
|- Thanks.
I have eaten.
Good.
This is for me.
Sorry you're not getting much|from the group.
Took a little arm-twisting|to get them to agree to let you come in the first place.
I don't need their cooperation.
I've already filled two notebooks|without their cooperation half of one without using the letter "e,"|but I could use yours.
- Way too much salt on this.
|- This is pretty incredible but it's just a preamble|to the big stunt tomorrow, right? - It's Finn.
He's Australian.
They like salt.
|- How do you pay for this? Are there dues, or do you chip in?|Is there alumni sponsoring it? How is it organized?|And what is happening tomorrow? Is it just as big? Or bigger?|And do people know that you're here? Park rangers or the landowner? Where are we?|Are we still in Connecticut? And your answer cannot|include the word "salt.
" Okay.
I think it's time to fill you in|on the conditions of you being here.
- Okay.
|- First, no pictures.
- Hey!|- You'll get it back at the end of the trip.
- Second, no names.
|- I'm not exactly being introduced to anyone as it is.
Third, no physical descriptions|of any of us.
There are authority figures|up and down Connecticut trying to nab us for things we may|have done in the past, naughty things.
I'll keep you anonymous.
- What number am I on?|- You just did "third.
" - Fourth, no identification of our location.
|- I don't know where we are.
- Fifth-|- You're going to run out of "iths.
" The most important condition of all.
You must agree not to interfere|with the integrity of the event.
What is the event?|And how could I interfere? - So you agree?|- Yes, I agree.
- That's pretty.
|- They're drunk.
- It sounds pretty.
I like it.
|- I didn't say I didn't like it.
- Logan?|- Yeah? - You coming?|- I'll be right there.
Excellent.
I'll leave the light for you, Ace.
|I won't need it.
Here I am.
David Byrne is a freak.
- I love him.
|- He's totally cool.
- So.
|- So.
- This was nice.
|- Yeah.
- I like your place.
|- Right! - I have to get up early for work tomorrow.
|- No problem.
- So, I should probably|- Right.
- Good night, Zach.
|- Good night.
Oh, no.
This is bad news.
Once he hits his REM state,|Motörhead wouldn't wake him.
What do I do? - He really is asleep.
|- He's gained a couple pounds, too.
- Okay, well, I had a really good time.
|- Me, too.
- Good night, Zach.
|- Good night, Lane.
- Another day, another sartorial surprise.
|- You should start getting ready yourself.
- I am ready.
|- You can't go dressed like that.
I didn't have|the "it's an overnight thing" warning.
So, unless you want me to fashion|something out of pine cones, this is it.
That clothing is gonna interfere|with the integrity of our event.
You agreed not to interfere|with the integrity of our event.
All I've got is a washbowl, a towel,|and a toothbrush.
Is that all you got? Look again, Ace.
- Excuse me.
Mr.
Gilmore?|- Luke? Yeah, hi.
- Don't remember you being this tall.
|- Yeah, sorry.
It's nothing to apologize about.
|Where are your clubs? - I just figured I'd rent some.
|- Waste of money.
Owning is the thing.
- Right.
|- There is no better place - than our pro shop.
|- Great.
- Let's go get you some clubs.
|- Excellent.
I've got your event integrity|right here, mister.
Yeah, I got an eye for dress sizes.
|We go this way.
And by changing nothing,|do we not change everything? - Come on! Hurry!|- You try running in a crinoline.
- We're late.
|- For what? The ritual sacrifice? Come on! One hundred and eighth grand assembly of the honorable Life and Death Brigade.
- He's using "E's.
"|- Please raise your glasses.
- In omnia paratus.
|- In omnia paratus.
- Now you might want to cover your ears.
|- Why? To think some groups just go bowling.
Pull! Pull! - Good shot!|- Pure skill.
- Is this safe?|- No.
Pull! Damn.
- Blame the gun.
|- I would.
Pull! - All right, I'm bored.
I want to be a target.
|- You're always a target, Finn.
In omnia paratus.
If you want to interview Finn, Ace,|you better do it quick.
Pull! - Not bad.
|- Thank you.
- So, is this your big stunt?|- Big stunt? According to my research,|you guys always do one big thing at your gatherings.
- Pull!|- Is this it? - Does it look like it?|- I'm guessing no.
You answered your own question.
Pull! You'll know it when you see it.
- Good.
|- I missed the mat.
- Again?|- I'll be fine.
Don't worry about me.
In omnia! - You're on your game today, Mr.
Gilmore.
|- Indeed, I am.
- Indeed.
|- Indeed.
I'm going to speak to the board|about these grounds.
There are dry spots,|the length and breadth of this fairway.
I'm up.
Okay, let's see I think this one is not the one I want at all, but this one here.
- Good choice.
Let's take the tag off there.
|- Good idea.
Okay, ball goes down here Damn! - No problem.
|- It's heading toward the wrong hole.
- Just a mulligan, son.
Try it again.
|- Golf isn't my thing, you know.
It's definitely a thing,|but not my main thing.
- What is your main hobby?|- Give me a hobby, quick.
- Reading.
|- Reading.
I read like crazy.
Wonderful.
|What have you been reading lately? Books.
You know, this, that.
- Dick.
|- Pardon me? Dick guy, science fiction guy.
|Dick something.
Something Dick, I just read one of his.
I'll bring Dick up on the Internet,|see what comes up.
Wish I could remember that name.
You better hit your ball, son.
|We're stacking up.
Right, yeah, okay.
Just a second, guys.
He's new.
Not to worry.
|The cart's been dinged 1,000 times.
- The guy driving it looked mad.
|- Not to worry.
Let's go.
So, have you put much thought|into franchising? - Franchising?|- That diner of yours.
Now's the time to jump.
There are opportunities|abounding in real estate right now.
No, I haven't.
I'd concentrate|on the eastern seaboard first Connecticut, New York, Massachusetts.
- I'd start with five to seven.
|- Diners? Something manageable.
|You'll need an investment banker.
Just ran into Herb Smith in the clubhouse.
Best banker in the business.
|I'll give him your number.
Good.
So, once the first seven are a go,|shoot for the moon.
National expansion, set up|a public corporation, issue an IPO.
Sure, an IPO.
I got to set up one of those.
Have you ever gotten|a straight-razor shave? - No.
|- Shaves you close, lasts for days.
I'll give you my barber's card.
Hope you're thinking up superlatives.
What are they going to do? What do you think they're gonna do? - They're not going to jump.
|- They're going to jump.
- That's, like, seven stories.
They'll die.
|- We're all going to die one day.
- But those four are today.
|- Six.
- I see four.
|- I'm heading up.
- Of course you are.
|- Finn was supposed to do it but few of us figured he'd make it this far,|so there's an extra space.
- No.
|- And we're not going to die.
No one in the Life and Death Brigade|has ever died.
Old ones have.
- I am not going to jump.
|- We're all set.
This is Seth.
|He's the genius behind all this.
It's very safe.
|We did a dozen successful test drops.
Every potato came through|without a scratch.
Potato? You can't test using people.
|That'd be dangerous.
Look, thanks for the offer,|but I'm here as a journalist, an observer.
- Journalists do not participate.
|- Since when? - Since forever.
|- George Plimpton never participated? - What?|- His best stuff put him in the thick of it fighting Sugar Ray Robinson,|quarterbacking for the Lions - skating for the Bruins.
|- So he participated.
Bill Buford lived with soccer hooligans|in "Amongst the Thugs.
" Ernie Pyle was so deep in the action|in World War ll he was killed by a Japanese sniper.
- Not that you're gotta go that far.
|- Buford, Pyle, I know.
Richard Hottelet was four months|in a Nazi prison working for the UP.
Hunter Thompson lived|with the Hell's Angels.
Got in the muck, didn't just orbit|around it, and it drove his writing.
He put you in those bikers' parties|and those bikers' heads.
All right, so those guys participated.
|I got it.
- But I-|- Jumpers to their places, please.
- You're scared.
|- Yeah! - And that stops the greats?|- It's stopping this great.
Come on.
You look like you need|a little adventure.
- What does that mean?|- You're just a little sheltered.
Why? Because I haven't spent time|in a Nazi prison been stomped on by hooligans,|and beat up by Hell's Angels? - Plimpton got banged up pretty good, too.
|- It'll be fun, it'll be a thrill.
Something stupid, something bad for you.
|Just something different.
Isn't this the point of being young?|It's your choice, Ace.
People can live a 100 years|without really living for a minute.
You climb up here with me,|it's one less minute you haven't lived.
- Let's go.
|- Let's go.
- I am not a fan of ladders.
|- They scare the crap out of me, too.
High.
We are very high.
- I've been higher.
|- I meant distance from the ground.
That, too.
This is totally safe,|and it goes with your outfit.
Nice.
- Why do they look so worried?|- We're low on champagne.
You can back out, you know.
|No one's forcing you.
I know.
- You trust me?|- In omnia paratus! You jump, I jump, Jack.
In omnia paratus! I really should have confirmed|that those potatoes were okay.
Thank God! You did good, Ace! - Once-in-a-lifetime experience!|- Only if you want it to be.
- Bye.
|- Thanks.
Good afternoon, Dragonfly Inn.
I franchised my place.
- What?|- The diner.
There's gonna be seven of them,|and that's just on the eastern seaboard.
Then, I'm going national.
What are you talking about? Your father wants to open up|a chain of Luke's diners - and I think I agreed to it.
|- No! I've already got a marketing guy,|Herb's my banker your father's taking care|of all my insurance needs and apparently everyone|is going to be able to buy stock.
My parents! My stupid parents! - And he wants to shave me.
|- Shave what? I don't know, he just kept talking|about shaving me, and I'm tipsy.
We hit the club bar,|and I didn't want to sound dumb and just order a beer,|because it's nitwit juice so I had what your dad was having,|which was whiskey something more whiskey than something,|let me tell you 'cause I can't even see straight.
- You poor thing.
|- And I've got an art dealer now.
No.
I'm driving to Manhattan next week|to look at some Diebenkorns.
- What's a Diebenkorn?|- I don't know.
And I bought some golf clubs.
|They cost the same as a car.
- Where are you now?|- I'm at the driving range.
Your dad's making me practice|for next time.
No.
Leave.
You do not need to practice.
And I sort of implied|that I'm fond of the Greeks so I have to read|"The lliad" and "The Odyssey " so we can chat about it.
And can we not hang out|with your parents for a very long time? - For a very long time.
|- I mean, I don't hate them.
- Leave the driving range at once.
|- I don't think I can drive.
Honey, have some coffee,|and then come home.
- The Diebenkorn guy is still in there.
|- You stay away from the Diebenkorn guy.
He's chatting with my rare-coin guy.
Just do not go back in the clubhouse.
|Go straight to your car.
Okay.
I like the valet guys.
- Good.
Now go.
|- I'm going.
Why would you go golfing with that man?|Why on earth? Who, Luke? You are encouraging|this ridiculous relationship.
- Emily, please.
|- He is not good enough for Lorelai - or to be Rory's stepfather, God forbid.
|- Can we be a little more of a snob, Emily? The fact that you paraded him|around the club.
Our club! It happened to be a fruitful outing.
I am going to assist him|in franchising his diner.
Richard! That hirsute lout is not capable|of running a complex business.
That's obvious, Emily.
|That's why he will have no significant role.
He'll be the front man.
We'll shave him,|stick his picture on the menus.
The whole thing will hopefully|bestow some credibility on him.
At least then, if this insane relationship|between him and Lorelai continues we can legitimately take him|to places like the club.
At least on holidays.
This is absurd.
You're absurd.
|The whole thing's absurd.
And you're not thinking ahead.
Excuse me.
Hi.
- Are you typing?|- No.
Yes, you are.
I thought we agreed|you wouldn't type while we talk.
Got to break the rule just this once.
I'm in a rush.
|It's been a crazy couple of days.
- School?|- Paper.
Long story.
I'll fill you in, in person.
Where are you off to? Luke's.
I have to de-stress him|after his unhappy Gilmore outing.
Dad tried to take over his whole life.
- He wants to franchise Luke's.
|- You're kidding.
Hey, do men shave anywhere|except their faces? - I don't know.
I've never lived with a man.
|- Same here.
If he does franchise the diner,|get him to put one near Yale.
- I miss those burgers.
|- He's not franchising.
- Can I ask you a question?|- Sure.
- Do you think I'm too scared?|- What? Too scared, too timid.
- Do I take enough chances?|- What kind of chances? - I don't know.
Life chances.
|- I think you do.
- I'm not a mouse?|- Where is this coming from? I don't know.
Just something I've been|thinking about lately.
Someone's at the door.
|Say "hi" to Luke for me.
- If he's not comatose.
Bye, honey.
|- Bye.
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