Jersey Shore s05e07 Episode Script
Love at the Jersey Shore
- Trust me.
Follow me out.
- Meatballs, where are you going? [Laughter.]
- You're kidding me.
- I've been looking for you all [Bleep.]
day! - I guess you'd have to say that Paula is my main squeeze right now.
The body on that girl, pbbboosh! Sheesh! - Where have you been, brah? I haven't seen you.
- Eh, Jenny's flipping, dude.
- Me and pauly see Roger at the gym.
Roger doesn't seem happy.
- If you don't stop with these insecurities and start trusting me, jenni, we are going to be damned.
We're going to be done.
We're going to be ruined.
[Get crazy by lmfao.]
- Dj pauly delvecchio! - I'm going to Jersey shore, bitch! - All right, we got a situation.
- I'm the sweetest bitch you'll ever meet.
- [Laughing.]
- After I have sex with a guy, I will rip their heads off.
- Go, vinny! Go, vinny! - Do you like the boobs? - You do not trust me, and that, frankly hurts me, first of all.
And really pisses me off, second of all.
Because I trust you emphatically, but you don't trust me in the slightest.
So what is it gonna be? - I'm just, I mean Jesus [Bleep.]
, I didn't think this was gonna be that type of call.
- So what's it gonna be, jenni? - I don't know.
- Don't tell me, "I don't know.
" That's, like, a 15-year-old thing to say.
Where do we stand? - I don't know what to tell you.
- I just thought the apology was gonna be okay, and I just don't know what to say.
- I need to know where we're gonna go from here.
What is it gonna be? - I was prepared for a small apology, a "I love you," mwah, mwah, mwah type of conversation, and holy [Bleep.]
, am I in the wrong.
- I don't understand who [Bleep.]
you over so bad in your past that I'm paying for it, but I love you.
I don't want to be with anybody else.
I wanna be with you.
Trust me.
- I wasn't looking at Roger's side of things.
I was just looking at my spoiled, rotten ass's side.
- I'm asking you, what do you want to do? - D like to stay with you.
- I love you.
- I love you too.
- Let's put this behind us.
I said everything I had to say.
Um, I'm glad that we could be adults about this.
Sorry for raising my voice.
- Yeah, my ass is bleeding, but I'm cool.
- Well, mine was bleeding a little the other day too.
So - All right.
- All right, babe.
I love you.
- Love you.
Bye now.
- Bye.
- I'm really glad that I called Roger and we squared off, 'cause I could have lost him as a boyfriend 'cause I didn't realize how mad he was.
I just thought it was like a stupid little fight.
- Did you speak to rog? - Yeah, I got my ass reamed out.
- What did he say? - He was like, "you change plans on me all day, "and then I take all these days off of work for you, and the one day I take off, you went postal.
" He goes, "I can't help that I was running late, "but if you really wanted to see me, you'd see me.
" - Oh, he was just running late with that day? - Yeah.
- Oh, you're an idiot.
- Yeah, I thought he was cancelling on you.
- Roger's like, you know, like, 65 years old, so he's not going to be playing all these baby games that, like, she did with tom.
I think, like, she kind of overreacted.
You were just being a little brat.
- Yeah.
[Electronica playing.]
- We've got work in the morning.
- Yeah.
- I can't believe you [Bleep.]
didn't go back to your shift.
- We got drunk.
That's why.
- Let's go to ej's.
- Okay.
- You're kidding me.
- Oh, God.
Danny's gonna yell at me.
- He's like, "tell the meatballs-- I don't know.
I'll handle it.
" - Danny's, like, upset because me and my other meatball took off, and I'm just like, "oh, my God, I feel really bad.
" - It's like a disappointed father.
- Maybe I'll bring him, like, a bagel or something.
- Do something, though.
- Yeah.
- Not a bagel.
We have to do something.
- Oh.
- What can you bring him? - Bake him a cake.
- Yeah, bake him a cake.
Like, "we're sorry, Danny.
" - I'm gonna bake him a cake.
- You should make him a cake.
- Team meatballs.
- My mission is to, like, make this cake and him really take it as an apology.
We're putting some meatball love into this cake.
Get the spoon.
- We make the batter or whatever.
We put it in the pan.
And after all is said and done, this is gonna be an amazing cake.
- You should have put hot dogs in that cake.
- How long do we keep it in there for? - 65 minutes.
- Cool.
- Really? Did you even look at the time? - Oh, God, did we put it in for too long? - Did you look at the time you were supposed to start it? - We keep checking on it.
- Oh, my God.
- Keep checking on it.
- We didn't even put it in.
[Laughter.]
- Are you kidding me right now? [Laughter.]
- Are you kidding me? - That's a meatball problem right there.
[Laughter.]
[Guitar music.]
- Oh, my God, it's hot.
Ow, you [Bleep.]
.
- We are putting icing on it.
We're drawing our little meatball selves on it with Danny in the middle, holding hands.
And I think Danny's gonna love this cake.
I'm proud of us, Nicole.
- Me too.
And you know what? We knew it was wrong, and we did it anyway like ass[Bleep.]
.
- I know.
- So, whatever.
- And then we just lost track of time.
I have to be honest, I forgot we were even at work after a while.
- Uh, me too, so - Good night, Ron.
You going to bed? - Yep.
- "Danny, we're sorry.
We love you.
Love, the meatballs.
" - Cute.
- Time to go to work.
- Oh, my God.
- I think there's a mouse in the house.
- What do you mean? What happened? - Who ate the [Bleep.]
cake? - [Laughs.]
- I'm actually guilty in this house until proven innocent.
- Was he part of the cake making? - No, but he was up when we went to sleep.
- I'm taking Nicole to the doctor.
Rectal bleeding? - No, I don't have rectal bleeding.
- Who ate the [Bleep.]
cake? Are you fricking kidding me? Who fricking eats a piece of cake when you know it's an "I'm sorry" cake? - This looks cute.
- [Bleep.]
Mike ate the [Bleep.]
cake.
- Mike? No.
- Pauly? - Who loves chocolate cake? - No, it was you, Ron.
- Why would I eat cake? - Pauly was sleeping.
- Maybe Mike, then.
- Mike is the prime suspect, because he was the last person up, so I was like, you know what? Mike ate this frickin' cake.
Who does that? No, like, really, though? That, like, really does tick me off.
- Pauly, yo, how was that chocolate cake? Was it good? - No.
- Oh, you didn't eat it? - Nicole, somebody ate our [Bleep.]
cake.
- Hey, let's go.
- Was it you? - It wasn't pauly.
- No, it wasn't pauly.
- He was sleeping.
- It was Mike.
It was Mike.
- I know who it was.
- It was Mike.
- That so pisses me off.
[Electronica playing.]
- Good morning.
- Morning, Ronnie.
Morning, Sammi.
- I'll do it.
- This is for you.
Me and Nicole made it, but frickin' Mike ate it.
It was supposed to say, "love, the meatballs.
" - Very cute.
- I'm really disappointed at giving Danny this half-eaten cake.
I wanted him to get the full-on cake.
- It's very cute.
[Phone ringing.]
- Silver bay medical.
This is Jamie.
How may I help you? - Um, I, like, have a uti and it really hurts.
- Okay, I have a walk-in till 4:00.
- Okay, cool.
- All right, thank you.
- Thanks, bye.
That was awkward.
Poop.
Is Mike here? - Why? - I heard he ate our cake.
- Dude, what a [Bleep.]
.
- I'm gonna punch him.
I should go to the doctor.
- Ready when you are.
[Rock music.]
- I'm taking Nicole to the doctor.
She's been hurting for the past couple of days, and she can finally see if there's actually something wrong with her.
This should be good.
[Electronica.]
- $70 altogether.
- All right, you guys.
You're on break.
- I'm getting my sleeve airbrushed.
Can I get, like, this covered with airbrush? - Sure.
[Rap music playing.]
- I wanted to see what I'd look like with a tattoo on my arm.
I think it's a good time.
It's, like, fun.
- Cool.
Thank you.
I got a sleeve.
- Oh, [Bleep.]
.
- That looks awesome.
- Right now I feel really mad whore with this sleeve.
Nobody better mess with me because I'm tough.
- Want a little piece? - You're eating it? - Yeah.
Have a little piece, everybody.
Cake party.
- It's got a weird smell, like, taste to it.
Like, when you cut into it, it's, like, weird.
- Really? - Yeah.
- Oh! [Laughter.]
- Now we're even.
- I hate you.
- Now we're even.
[Laughter.]
- All right, Danny.
It's on, bitch.
[Upbeat music.]
- Have a seat, and we'll come in and give you some stuff.
- All right.
My symptoms.
- Rectal bleeding.
- No, I don't have rectal bleeding.
- What's going on? - Um, I think I have a uti.
I've gotten them before, like, probably, like, ten times in the last year.
- For now, we should be able to get you better with, you know, just the antibiotic.
Let's check you out and see.
- So I don't drink on that, right? - Yeah, you should take it easy.
- How are you gonna have fun at the shore without drinking? Say I only wanted, like, one drink.
- That's fine.
You could do that.
- Okay.
Thank God.
It was gonna be so hard not to drink tonight.
I'll get a nice, big strong one.
- Guess I'm going to work solo.
- The other ones are late, huh? - I guess they could have planned it out.
Who knows? All right, [Bleep.]
.
Off I go to work.
Uh, Nicole is m.
I.
A.
As well as jenni right now, so I'm going by myself.
What up, man? - What's up, brah? How are we doing, man? - Good.
- Where's your counterparts at? - I have no idea.
I waited for them at the crib for a little bit.
They didn't show, so I rolled.
- After all the [Bleep.]
Nicole said about it all to deena.
"We're so sorry we drank.
We'll be so good.
" They already don't show up.
- Yeah, I don't know what to tell you.
I mean-- - looks like you're gonna be not the bottom ringer this year.
- Yeah, for sure.
- You already got two others.
- Sure, I'm here, man.
I wasn't totally, like, running them over with the bus, but I was definitely, you know, telling Danny, "I don't know where they are.
I mean, they should be here.
" [Phone ringing.]
- Hello? - Hey, what's up? This is Danny.
- What's up, bro? - Not much, man.
I'm just trying to find out where the girls are.
- I know that this time she was at the doctor.
- Pardon? - 'Cause she has a urinary tract infection.
- Who? Nicole does? - Yeah.
- Oh.
- But she went a while ago, so we were expecting her to be back now.
- [Sighs.]
This sucks.
You know, not even a phone call or anything.
All right, man.
Thank you very much.
I appreciate it.
- He's pissed? I thought they would have called him.
- Well he said, he goes, "I didn't get a phone call or anything.
" - Are you kidding me? - Yeah.
[Rock music.]
- Maybe we should have called Danny.
- What do you mean? - To say we were going to the doctor's, and we might be a little late.
- [Bleep.]
Happens.
- We didn't know it was gonna take that long also.
- You girls have some nerve.
- We have doctor notes.
- Doctor notes? [Bleep.]
.
- Did you like our cake? - Happy about that.
- Love you.
- No, you don't.
You hate my guts.
- Yes, I do.
I'm sorry.
- No, she felt really bad today.
They baked you a cake last night.
We were gonna get balloons.
- And then she showed up an hour late.
- Well, we went to the hospital-- or the doctor's, at 3:30.
We didn't know it was gonna take two hours.
Danny, you know, he wasn't that mad at me.
He's like, "whatever.
" But I know there's some punishment coming.
- Bring all these boxes into the shed.
[Rock music.]
- I have to pick up all the [Bleep.]
heavy boxes Ow! Put 'em in the shed, and then do this, do that.
See any clothes I'd like? Ooh, what's this? Shorts? Windex this, do this, and I'm like, oh, my God.
This is frickin' retail abuse.
I'm too pretty for this [Bleep.]
.
- Teamwork, boo.
[Rock music playing.]
- [Groans.]
- What's wrong with you? - Just tired.
- Did you eat the cake? - No, I-- - who do you think ate the cake? - I don't eat cake.
- Everyone's saying it's you in the house.
- Did I eat the cake? Holy [Bleep.]
.
Did I eat the cake? [Laughs.]
- Who ate the cake? I want to know.
- Just be honest, man.
- I know, I'm honest.
- Come clean.
- I would say if I ate the cake.
- "I had some cake.
" - I love the fact that I'm the one that ate the cake.
I'm the unanimous decision that I ate the cake.
It's unanimous, but I had nothing to do with it.
I'm actually guilty in this house until proven innocent, so if anything goes wrong in this house, the situation did it.
- Was he part of the cake making? - No, but he was up when we went to sleep.
- Yeah, there you go.
Everyone but him knew that the cake was being made.
Mike always is the instigator.
He's always the one that's doing sneaky [Bleep.]
, so Mike is our number one suspect.
- So, dude, did you really eat my cake? - I actually am on a diet, so it cannot even be me.
- That's hilarious.
[Electronica playing.]
- Deena, come here.
- What? - Hmm.
When you went to bed last night, I smelled the cake and I couldn't take it.
- It was you! It was you! - I had to take a bite of the cake.
I had to take a bite of the cake.
- You! - I couldn't help it! I couldn't help it! The second I heard deena go to sleep, I tiptoed right into the kitchen, got myself a spoon, and I ate myself a piece of that cake.
Don't cook a cake in my house and expect me not to eat it.
- It was you! - I couldn't help it! - I've been so mad at Mike all day.
All day! I feel kind of bad that I blamed Mike the entire time for the cake.
It's like the kid really does get blamed for everything.
[Overlapping chatter.]
- Nice arm.
Look at that [Bleep.]
.
- Listen to this.
So I come up this morning and there's a little piece of cake missing, and I was like, "Mike! [Bleep.]
Mike ate the cake!" Like, I thought, 'cause everybody else was asleep and you, like, ate the cake.
- I--do you know I'm on a diet? - It was pauly that ate the cake.
- Everybody blamed me.
I was blamed.
- For the cake.
- Blamed for the [Bleep.]
cake, and I'm on a diet.
- I apologize for that.
- The roommates definitely piss me off.
I get blamed for everything.
I've been good the whole time.
Like, they'd only notice if I was bad, so I feel like the mean Mike is about to come out, and you're not gonna like it.
I always pick you over everybody.
- You do.
It makes me feel special.
- I can't think of anything wrong.
It's almost too good to be true.
- I just want to see deena and Joey have sex.
I mean, I'm bored.
- I was blamed for the [Bleep.]
cake, and I'm on a diet.
- I apologize for that.
- I get blamed for everything.
I've been good the whole time.
Like, they'd only notice if I was bad.
What time you coming through tonight? - Try to time it up for like 11:00-11:30.
- Where's unit at? - I think he's still in Florida.
- He didn't--he didn't get home yet? - Nah, I think they're coming home tomorrow morning, he said.
- All right, all right, all right, all right.
If he's coming home tomorrow, whatever.
- Is that cool? You still want me to come out there? - Yeah, of course I want you to come out here, you know what I mean? I've at least got to have one of my friends out in the [Bleep.]
battle zone.
You know what I mean? - Yeah.
- All right, brother.
Come through and do what you gotta do, and I guess I'll see you, um, around 11:30.
- 11:00-11:30.
- All right, no doubt.
- Later, brother.
- Peace.
[Bleep.]
, [Bleep.]
.
Looks like the master plan was derailed for another night.
It was supposed to be tonight.
Deena, where are we going? Karma tonight? - I guess.
I'm going to karma tonight.
Let's get this night started.
[Hip-hop music playing.]
- [Groans.]
I look like a Jersey skank, and I love it.
- Roll out.
Roll out.
We have business to go do.
- [Laughs.]
- It's like, you know what I mean? We're going to work.
- [Laughs.]
- Like, we punch in.
My shift starts as soon as I walk into karma.
- I'm trying to get laid tonight.
- I put in work.
- I'm a player.
- You work mad whore.
- I'm the player of the month.
- [Laughs.]
[Electronica playing.]
- What's going on? - What's up, bro? - You get a haircut? - How the hell are you, you big monkey? - It's my birthday in, like, five minutes.
- It's her birthday! - It's your birthday? - In, like, five minutes.
- Paula's like, "it's my birthday," so right then and there, jenni is like, "shots!" Here comes the shots and this is where it sucks.
- Happy Birthday! - Whoo! - Happy Birthday, Paula! - My doctor said that I can't really drink a lot, but I knew it was gonna be so hard not to drink, so you know what? I just gave in and I drank and I drank Long island.
And I drank.
Honestly, I drank so much that my frickin' uti was drunk, so now I know he's happy, I'm happy, everybody's happy.
- What's today? What's today? What's today? - Your birthday.
- Yes, it is.
- I see Paula and, like, she's looking good.
For her birthday, we definitely smash.
- Time to go! Everybody out! [Overlapping chatter.]
- Tell me if I have camel-toe! - If it's your birthday, you're allowed to have camel-toe, Paula.
- Stop it! Let me down! - If it was my birthday, I would have camel-toe too.
You feel me? Yeah, buddy.
Yeah, buddy.
Birthday sex.
- Are you actually gonna give her birthday sex now? - Yes, she is getting birthday sex.
- [Laughs.]
- Man, you better give it to me.
- Oh, you better give it to her, bro.
[Guitar music.]
- Let's go see the waves upstairs be romantic.
Guess you'd have to say that Paula is my main squeeze right now.
She's definitely very, very cute.
Very, very sexy body.
Cool personality.
Like, I can't think of anything wrong.
It's almost too good to be true.
So three years in the making, we finally had a real date.
- Three years.
- Mm-hmm.
- I don't know what that says, but-- [laughter.]
- I always pick you over everybody.
- You do.
It makes me feel special.
- Mm-hmm.
- You know how to make me feel like the only girl in a room with a million girls in it.
- Mm-hmm.
All right, come on, let's go.
It's definitely hard for me to settle down, and I'm very, very picky when it comes to girlfriends, but me and Paula have been hanging out a lot and getting along very well, so who knows? Don't fall now.
- Watch your mouth.
- [Laughs.]
Good night.
- I hope you can keep up with me.
- I don't know.
I don't think you can keep up with me.
- Oh, don't try to threaten me with a challenge.
[Overlapping chatter.]
- Ronnie's wasted.
[Laughter.]
Oh, my God.
- Yo, jwoww.
- This guy is grabbing me and Roger is like, "yo, back off.
" - Nicole? - Hmm? - We have work.
- Already? - I know, right? - Did you have a good birthday? - I got my birthday sex.
- Good for you.
- [Laughs.]
- I actually really like Paula, and I think Mike likes Paula.
Truthfully, deep down, I think he does.
Can we go to work? Let's go.
- Cool.
- Gotta go to work.
- This is the hottest walk of shame I've ever seen.
- We just completed a trifecta-- gym, tan, and laundry.
Now take me to lunch, bitch.
- It's on fisher, right? - Don't tell me where it's at, bro.
I'm gonna tell you where it's at, [Bleep.]
.
I put up with a lot of [Bleep.]
being with you.
- I'm definitely not breaking up with pauly.
We're in a committed relationship, and me andauly are gonna take this thing to the next level forever.
- Take a left.
- That's [Bleep.]
sad.
- [Laughs.]
Yep, vinny's my dude.
We're like the meatballs, except we're not meatballs.
[Upbeat music.]
- $23.
40.
- Yeah, I'm gonna pay for this bitch here.
- Wow.
You're taking me to lunch.
- How cute.
- Me and vinny going to muscle maker, it is definitely a date.
- Hopefully I get it in later.
- I paid for his dry cleaning this morning.
- You guys are gonna smush? Watch out.
Behave.
- All right.
We won't.
- [Laughs.]
You won't.
Bye, guys.
See ya later.
- Lost our keys.
I'm a little bit of a putz sometimes with my keys and cannot find them right now, so I'm looking all over muscle maker to see where I dropped 'em.
They have to be here.
I mean, I friggin' drove here, right? Always losin' stuff.
- Look, here they are on the ground, right here.
I can't--I can't let this guy drive anymore.
- I was telling you.
Bye.
- Bye-bye.
- Bye.
- This is why I don't let my man vinny drive.
Like, you only have one job.
Hold on to the keys when you're driving.
He couldn't even do that.
Make a left.
- Left? [Bleep.]
That.
- [Laughs.]
[Electronica.]
[Phone ringing.]
- Hello? - Yeah? - Yeah, what's up? - Nothin'.
So you'll be at jenks? - Yeah, I'm gonna go there.
You goin'? - Yeah.
- All right.
What time you goin'? - We'll probably be there around 11:00.
- All right, yeah.
I'm gonna go with my brother and a few of my friends.
- All right, cool.
So I'll see you there.
- All right.
- All right, bye.
Tonight, I'm so excited to go to jenks.
Joey's meeting us there.
Me and him have hooked up before.
To have him come to the house would just be phenomenal.
- I'm not going, then.
You know, I'll just stay here, whatever.
- What are you gonna do? - I'll entertain myself.
- [Bleep.]
Pop? - Probably.
Maybe I'll clean the house.
Pbbbt! That was a joke.
- I don't know what's going oz in this house.
Snooki doesn't want to go to jenks.
She said it's gonna get boring.
J-yawn's sleeping away.
We got situation, snoring away.
I don't know what's in the friggin' water in this house, but it's not affecting me.
- Ready? - Yeah, let's go.
- Love you.
What you drinking? You can't do that.
Oh, cool.
- Thank you.
- Cool! I just got a party drink.
[Door slams.]
- Next stop, jenkinson's.
- I just want to say I'm really happy that we're doing something different tonight.
- Me too, bro.
[Electronica playing.]
- We're here already? This is awesome.
[Cheering.]
- We get to jenks tonight, and there's people everywhere.
The music's jumping, the drinks are flowing, and everyone's just ready to have a good time.
[Cheering.]
I'm hearing the music, and my feet just start going.
I got gumby ankles.
You don't want those.
- Oh! - Oh, my God.
Like, Ronnie is wasted, and I'm loving every second of it.
I'm just like, this is so funny.
I'm, like, giving myself a cramp from laughing so hard.
- Mike.
- Yes? - Let's go to jimbo's.
This is Lola.
- Where's your-- where's your drink? There's your hat.
- This is Lola.
- I thought of a good idea.
- What? She's a prostitute from Vegas, and she'll do anything.
- Did you-- [Laughs.]
Did you ever see, um, varsity blues? - Yes.
- Where they just pour, like, whipped cream on each other and then they just have whipped cream on it and they're drunk? We should do that.
- Mike, I want to go out.
- [Laughs.]
That's fun.
I'll put just whipped cream on it, you just put whipped cream on, and we could be drunk.
That'd be real fun.
- Mike, no.
- Okay.
I'm definitely flirting with her right now, and I'm just gonna push the envelope until she bends.
Or [Bleep.]
.
One or the other.
- It's like 12 to 10:00.
We should go somewhere.
- Where do you want to go? - What's 12 to 10 mean? - 12 minutes to 10:00? - Yeah.
What's that mean? - I think that means ten minutes to 12:00.
- Really? - Mm-hmm.
- Oh, so I said it right.
- Mm-mm.
- I have no idea how to speak clock language, so when I say, "hi, what time is it?" And somebody says, "a quarter past 2:00," just say it's, [Bleep.]
, like 2:30.
It's still early.
- Um, we can get really drunk and, um, we can get my furry handcuffs out.
- I don't understand why Mike has to be such a creep and try and, like, get with me or whatever.
All he's thinking about is, like, sex and hooking up.
- I'm kind of horny right now.
That's really all I want to do.
- I can't deal with you.
- Can you just wear the furry boots when you come back? - Oh, dear [Bleep.]
.
Jenni, let's go do something.
- [Laughs.]
She likes it.
She's just playing around.
- You're gonna get lipstick on you.
Me and Joey hooked up before.
- Are you gonna do sex? - Can I watch? - You're coming down here tonight, right? Nicole is definitely not off the hook.
I will not be made out to be a liar.
It's gonna be a wild night, then.
Mm-hmm.
- Cheers! I'm having a blast here.
Joey's here, and we're, like, excited, and I'm like, mmm, yum! Did you miss me? - The whole week I haven't seen you? - Yeah.
- How about you? Did you miss me? You're, like, high on life.
That's why I like you.
- That's why I like you.
- What? - 'Cause you're like me.
- High on life? - Joey definitely seems like he's into me, and I really like Joey's personality.
He has that nice guy, but a bit of a [Bleep.]
at the same time, which I'm into.
Who knows? Maybe this could be a start of a good thing.
You're gonna get lipstick on you.
- I got chapstick.
- No.
You're gonna get lipstick on you.
Merp.
- All right, let's go.
- You're coming home, right? - Everyone wants to go.
What do you want to do? - We'll hang out at the house.
- I'm gonna get a little popcorn.
- I'm gonna sleep.
- You gonna go to bed? - Wanna smoke really quick? - Yeah, buddy.
The second I get in the house from jenks, I know deena is gonna come home with a dude, but I am going to set her up like I used to do.
I'm taking disgusting plates that are in the kitchen-- one that has all the cookie residue and putting that on her bed.
I'm putting the blender on her bed.
I'm putting the dirty bowls on her bed.
She's gonna need protein for all that sex she's about to have.
I'm gonna leave her a nice little spread.
That should do it.
[Playful music.]
- I'm gonna change first.
I'm gonna change.
Yeah, right.
What the [Bleep.]
is this? Get real with this [Bleep.]
.
Come on.
What the hell, people? Who put this in my bed? You get the [Bleep.]
cookie, 'cause I know you did it.
- I just got home.
- Get real.
Pauly.
You didn't put that in my bed? - No.
- Then who put it in my bed? You're mad at me? - [Mouthing words.]
- Stupid ass.
- I flipped the script on her, laid down the guilt trip, and now she's trying to apologize to me and ask why I'm mad at her.
[Laughs.]
Deena is super gullible, and I love it.
- Freakin' hell.
- Cool.
- Deena and Joey are up, and I'm like, oh, people to [Bleep.]
with.
Are you gonna do sex? - Who? Can I watch? - There's a smush room.
- Who is this character? Who is this? - Joey.
Nice to meet you.
- That's Dee's man.
- Who? - The one she likes.
- Oh.
- The one she talks about.
- Oh! You're here.
Whoo! I have no idea what I'm talking about.
I'm not thinking.
I'm just talking.
She likes you a lot, so if you [Bleep.]
her over, we will kill you.
You be nice to her.
- I am nice to her.
- He's blushing.
- Do you have a condom? - Nah.
- Do you have a condom? - Nah.
- What do you mean, "nah"? - I don't have one.
- Pauly! - Pauly! - Really? - Yeah, 100%.
- What's wrong with you? - I didn't--I--I didn't even know I was coming back tonight.
- Uh, you're annoying.
Do you have a condom? Do you have a condom? It's for deena.
You need to say you didn't get it from us.
- Oh, my God.
You're killing this kid right now.
I feel bad for him right now.
- Ehh, ehh, ehh, merp, merp, mer-- - welp, merp.
That's how she finishes off.
Merp, and everything, and that's all.
[Snoring.]
[Laughter.]
- So did you hook up with any other guys that I know? - I don't do sex with randoms.
Even though I did sex with you.
But you're not a random.
I really like you.
- Can we go watch? - Give it five minutes, 'cause it just got awkward.
- Okay.
I just want to see deena and Joey have sex.
I mean, I'm bored.
- Huh! - Just kidding! Love you.
- Merp.
- I'm all ready for Roger to come, 'cause the last thing he expects is for me to be answering the door in this outfit.
- Can you tell us your spiel right now? What you're supposed to say at the table? - I'll walk up like I'm taking you guys' order.
- We're having family dinner, and we're all eating at this table, and I'm like this is the perfect time to bomb them with a grenade balloon.
- All right, well, just to let you all know-- - do you have any specials? - I will get to that.
- [Blowing raspberry.]
[Laughter.]
[Overlapping chatter.]
- Just to let you all know-- [All scream.]
- Who is that? - Oh, my sneakers! - Remember when we were ten time felt like it had no end - I wake up this morning, and it's like a great feeling.
Like, I'm like, yay.
Like, I haven't had this feeling in a while.
[Dialing phone number.]
[Phone ringing.]
- Hi, um, can I have a taxi to 1200 ocean terrace? - How many people? - Just one.
Thanks.
- Thanks.
- I call a cab for Joey, and I'm like, merrr.
I really like you.
I don't want you to leave yet.
- [Groans.]
- Cab's here.
Bye.
- Bye.
- Okay, okay.
- Call me later.
- All right.
- Wow, he's so cute.
I actually think deena loves Joey.
You can fall in love at the Jersey shore.
You never know what can happen.
I've got to get myself together now.
- What are you doing over there on the "get ready" couch? - Nothing.
I think I pulled my back.
- Yikes.
It's all that Jersey turnpiking, grrrr.
- I don't know if my back hurts from, you know, giving out my golden ticket, or from Jersey turnpiking so much.
Joey may have banged my back out of alignment.
He's, you know, good in bed.
- Does this mean your years of Jersey turnpiking are over? - No.
Oh, my God.
- Yo, if you hurt your back Jersey turnpiking, that's deena problems, and I love it.
[Laughs.]
- [Groans.]
Oh, God.
I don't remember.
- Look, I'm gonna stretch you out.
Ready? - Oh.
Eh.
What? - Oh, it stinks over here.
- Shut up.
- [Laughs.]
- [Bleep.]
, vin.
- [Laughs.]
- [Bleep.]
.
[Groans.]
- You drive.
Driving? [Upbeat music playing.]
[Dial tone.]
[Dialing phone number.]
[Phone ringing.]
- Yo.
- Yo, what up? - What's crack-a-lackin'? - No--nothing, man.
Coming down here tonight, right? - Yeah.
Hell yeah.
Hell yeah.
- Cool, cool, cool.
Um - How's everything going? Any more ruckuses? - No, no.
I didn't, um, I didn't do anything yet.
- You're--you're--you're-- you're waiting.
- Yeah, I waited, 'cause I didn't see that person either.
Nicole is definitely not off the hook.
We need to let jionni know, hey, snooki really did cheat on you.
I will not be made out to be a liar.
I think Saturday night's the night everybody goes out and sees each other, so it's gonna be a wild night, then.
- Mm-hmm.
- You know what I mean? - Yeah.
- Peace.
- Peace.
- You know what? In a way, I--I actually do owe jionni the truth.
I feel bad that every time he's kissing his girl, he's like, you know, kissing my, you know, ehh.
- Cool.
Pretty.
- I am wearing this outfit tonight for Roger to know that there are tww big reasons why he is still with me.
- Boing.
Jenni's showing me this outfit that she wants to wear to karma.
It doesn't show, you know-- well, it does show everything, but I feel like it doesn't cover anything.
That's the jwoww we love.
It's about frickin' time.
Your ass cheeks are out.
- I'm all ready for Roger to come, 'cause the last thing he expects is for me to be answering the door in this outfit.
- Coming.
[Duck phone quacks.]
- Hey.
Holy crap.
- Hi.
- Hi, babe.
How are you? [Duck phone quacks.]
- Good.
How are you.
The [Bleep.]
duck, man.
- I like the outfit or lack thereof.
- All the fighting and drama with Roger and getting my ass chewed out over the phone is worth it for this moment, opening the door and seeing Roger's face.
- You seen my girlfriend? I haven't seen her in a few days.
- [Laughs.]
Yeah, I haven't seen my boyfriend either.
- Is this the real you or the psycho that called me the other day? [Laughter.]
I like your outfit.
Holy crap.
- Yeah, I bought it when I was angry at you.
- Oh, yeah? You were gonna go, like, wear that out? - Huh? - What'd you make that out of? Like, a handkerchief? - And some thread.
I'm just dying inside, 'cause I know Roger loves it but he's also probably very concerned for tonight.
He probably doesn't want to get in a fight or an argument with all the guys gawking, which I can't wait for.
I thought if I didn't call, I would see you there tonight.
- You rockin' that and have every swingin' [Bleep.]
In the place on you? Good idea, good idea.
- No.
- Let's have fun tonight and put all that [Bleep.]
behind us.
I just know I wasn't calling to kiss your ass.
I know that.
- Cabs are here.
- Cabs are here.
- Cab's here.
- Cabs are here.
- Don't let a boob slip.
[Dance music.]
- Karma is crazy, crazy, crazy.
I've never seen it this crazy.
Like, it's insane.
[Overlapping shouts.]
[Cheering.]
- That was good.
- Yo, that--that one chick was teeing off on the girl that was getting held down.
- I was avoiding it.
I'm like this.
My boobs.
My boobs.
- Hey, get 'em up here.
- Salud! - Salud! - Cheers! - I just want to get a shirt.
- For? A shirt? - In case I fight.
I want to throw on a shirt.
- Jenni, you're not fighting.
- What if someone swings? - Nobody's gonna-- then I'm punching.
Don't worry about it.
Don't fight.
Jenni, don't fight.
- Karma is packed tonight and I don't feel comfortable.
Like, all this crazy [Bleep.]
is happening, and I'm so paranoid that this dress is gonna snap and my boobs are gonna come popping out.
- Baby, let's get out of here.
I'm not dancing to bon jovi.
Come on.
- Let's go over here.
- Yo, jwoww! It's no time to leave.
- This guy is non-stop grabbing me and pulls down my dress a little bit.
And then Roger's like, "yo, back off.
" - Take a walk, bro.
- Really? - Yeah, really.
- Stop! Stop!
Follow me out.
- Meatballs, where are you going? [Laughter.]
- You're kidding me.
- I've been looking for you all [Bleep.]
day! - I guess you'd have to say that Paula is my main squeeze right now.
The body on that girl, pbbboosh! Sheesh! - Where have you been, brah? I haven't seen you.
- Eh, Jenny's flipping, dude.
- Me and pauly see Roger at the gym.
Roger doesn't seem happy.
- If you don't stop with these insecurities and start trusting me, jenni, we are going to be damned.
We're going to be done.
We're going to be ruined.
[Get crazy by lmfao.]
- Dj pauly delvecchio! - I'm going to Jersey shore, bitch! - All right, we got a situation.
- I'm the sweetest bitch you'll ever meet.
- [Laughing.]
- After I have sex with a guy, I will rip their heads off.
- Go, vinny! Go, vinny! - Do you like the boobs? - You do not trust me, and that, frankly hurts me, first of all.
And really pisses me off, second of all.
Because I trust you emphatically, but you don't trust me in the slightest.
So what is it gonna be? - I'm just, I mean Jesus [Bleep.]
, I didn't think this was gonna be that type of call.
- So what's it gonna be, jenni? - I don't know.
- Don't tell me, "I don't know.
" That's, like, a 15-year-old thing to say.
Where do we stand? - I don't know what to tell you.
- I just thought the apology was gonna be okay, and I just don't know what to say.
- I need to know where we're gonna go from here.
What is it gonna be? - I was prepared for a small apology, a "I love you," mwah, mwah, mwah type of conversation, and holy [Bleep.]
, am I in the wrong.
- I don't understand who [Bleep.]
you over so bad in your past that I'm paying for it, but I love you.
I don't want to be with anybody else.
I wanna be with you.
Trust me.
- I wasn't looking at Roger's side of things.
I was just looking at my spoiled, rotten ass's side.
- I'm asking you, what do you want to do? - D like to stay with you.
- I love you.
- I love you too.
- Let's put this behind us.
I said everything I had to say.
Um, I'm glad that we could be adults about this.
Sorry for raising my voice.
- Yeah, my ass is bleeding, but I'm cool.
- Well, mine was bleeding a little the other day too.
So - All right.
- All right, babe.
I love you.
- Love you.
Bye now.
- Bye.
- I'm really glad that I called Roger and we squared off, 'cause I could have lost him as a boyfriend 'cause I didn't realize how mad he was.
I just thought it was like a stupid little fight.
- Did you speak to rog? - Yeah, I got my ass reamed out.
- What did he say? - He was like, "you change plans on me all day, "and then I take all these days off of work for you, and the one day I take off, you went postal.
" He goes, "I can't help that I was running late, "but if you really wanted to see me, you'd see me.
" - Oh, he was just running late with that day? - Yeah.
- Oh, you're an idiot.
- Yeah, I thought he was cancelling on you.
- Roger's like, you know, like, 65 years old, so he's not going to be playing all these baby games that, like, she did with tom.
I think, like, she kind of overreacted.
You were just being a little brat.
- Yeah.
[Electronica playing.]
- We've got work in the morning.
- Yeah.
- I can't believe you [Bleep.]
didn't go back to your shift.
- We got drunk.
That's why.
- Let's go to ej's.
- Okay.
- You're kidding me.
- Oh, God.
Danny's gonna yell at me.
- He's like, "tell the meatballs-- I don't know.
I'll handle it.
" - Danny's, like, upset because me and my other meatball took off, and I'm just like, "oh, my God, I feel really bad.
" - It's like a disappointed father.
- Maybe I'll bring him, like, a bagel or something.
- Do something, though.
- Yeah.
- Not a bagel.
We have to do something.
- Oh.
- What can you bring him? - Bake him a cake.
- Yeah, bake him a cake.
Like, "we're sorry, Danny.
" - I'm gonna bake him a cake.
- You should make him a cake.
- Team meatballs.
- My mission is to, like, make this cake and him really take it as an apology.
We're putting some meatball love into this cake.
Get the spoon.
- We make the batter or whatever.
We put it in the pan.
And after all is said and done, this is gonna be an amazing cake.
- You should have put hot dogs in that cake.
- How long do we keep it in there for? - 65 minutes.
- Cool.
- Really? Did you even look at the time? - Oh, God, did we put it in for too long? - Did you look at the time you were supposed to start it? - We keep checking on it.
- Oh, my God.
- Keep checking on it.
- We didn't even put it in.
[Laughter.]
- Are you kidding me right now? [Laughter.]
- Are you kidding me? - That's a meatball problem right there.
[Laughter.]
[Guitar music.]
- Oh, my God, it's hot.
Ow, you [Bleep.]
.
- We are putting icing on it.
We're drawing our little meatball selves on it with Danny in the middle, holding hands.
And I think Danny's gonna love this cake.
I'm proud of us, Nicole.
- Me too.
And you know what? We knew it was wrong, and we did it anyway like ass[Bleep.]
.
- I know.
- So, whatever.
- And then we just lost track of time.
I have to be honest, I forgot we were even at work after a while.
- Uh, me too, so - Good night, Ron.
You going to bed? - Yep.
- "Danny, we're sorry.
We love you.
Love, the meatballs.
" - Cute.
- Time to go to work.
- Oh, my God.
- I think there's a mouse in the house.
- What do you mean? What happened? - Who ate the [Bleep.]
cake? - [Laughs.]
- I'm actually guilty in this house until proven innocent.
- Was he part of the cake making? - No, but he was up when we went to sleep.
- I'm taking Nicole to the doctor.
Rectal bleeding? - No, I don't have rectal bleeding.
- Who ate the [Bleep.]
cake? Are you fricking kidding me? Who fricking eats a piece of cake when you know it's an "I'm sorry" cake? - This looks cute.
- [Bleep.]
Mike ate the [Bleep.]
cake.
- Mike? No.
- Pauly? - Who loves chocolate cake? - No, it was you, Ron.
- Why would I eat cake? - Pauly was sleeping.
- Maybe Mike, then.
- Mike is the prime suspect, because he was the last person up, so I was like, you know what? Mike ate this frickin' cake.
Who does that? No, like, really, though? That, like, really does tick me off.
- Pauly, yo, how was that chocolate cake? Was it good? - No.
- Oh, you didn't eat it? - Nicole, somebody ate our [Bleep.]
cake.
- Hey, let's go.
- Was it you? - It wasn't pauly.
- No, it wasn't pauly.
- He was sleeping.
- It was Mike.
It was Mike.
- I know who it was.
- It was Mike.
- That so pisses me off.
[Electronica playing.]
- Good morning.
- Morning, Ronnie.
Morning, Sammi.
- I'll do it.
- This is for you.
Me and Nicole made it, but frickin' Mike ate it.
It was supposed to say, "love, the meatballs.
" - Very cute.
- I'm really disappointed at giving Danny this half-eaten cake.
I wanted him to get the full-on cake.
- It's very cute.
[Phone ringing.]
- Silver bay medical.
This is Jamie.
How may I help you? - Um, I, like, have a uti and it really hurts.
- Okay, I have a walk-in till 4:00.
- Okay, cool.
- All right, thank you.
- Thanks, bye.
That was awkward.
Poop.
Is Mike here? - Why? - I heard he ate our cake.
- Dude, what a [Bleep.]
.
- I'm gonna punch him.
I should go to the doctor.
- Ready when you are.
[Rock music.]
- I'm taking Nicole to the doctor.
She's been hurting for the past couple of days, and she can finally see if there's actually something wrong with her.
This should be good.
[Electronica.]
- $70 altogether.
- All right, you guys.
You're on break.
- I'm getting my sleeve airbrushed.
Can I get, like, this covered with airbrush? - Sure.
[Rap music playing.]
- I wanted to see what I'd look like with a tattoo on my arm.
I think it's a good time.
It's, like, fun.
- Cool.
Thank you.
I got a sleeve.
- Oh, [Bleep.]
.
- That looks awesome.
- Right now I feel really mad whore with this sleeve.
Nobody better mess with me because I'm tough.
- Want a little piece? - You're eating it? - Yeah.
Have a little piece, everybody.
Cake party.
- It's got a weird smell, like, taste to it.
Like, when you cut into it, it's, like, weird.
- Really? - Yeah.
- Oh! [Laughter.]
- Now we're even.
- I hate you.
- Now we're even.
[Laughter.]
- All right, Danny.
It's on, bitch.
[Upbeat music.]
- Have a seat, and we'll come in and give you some stuff.
- All right.
My symptoms.
- Rectal bleeding.
- No, I don't have rectal bleeding.
- What's going on? - Um, I think I have a uti.
I've gotten them before, like, probably, like, ten times in the last year.
- For now, we should be able to get you better with, you know, just the antibiotic.
Let's check you out and see.
- So I don't drink on that, right? - Yeah, you should take it easy.
- How are you gonna have fun at the shore without drinking? Say I only wanted, like, one drink.
- That's fine.
You could do that.
- Okay.
Thank God.
It was gonna be so hard not to drink tonight.
I'll get a nice, big strong one.
- Guess I'm going to work solo.
- The other ones are late, huh? - I guess they could have planned it out.
Who knows? All right, [Bleep.]
.
Off I go to work.
Uh, Nicole is m.
I.
A.
As well as jenni right now, so I'm going by myself.
What up, man? - What's up, brah? How are we doing, man? - Good.
- Where's your counterparts at? - I have no idea.
I waited for them at the crib for a little bit.
They didn't show, so I rolled.
- After all the [Bleep.]
Nicole said about it all to deena.
"We're so sorry we drank.
We'll be so good.
" They already don't show up.
- Yeah, I don't know what to tell you.
I mean-- - looks like you're gonna be not the bottom ringer this year.
- Yeah, for sure.
- You already got two others.
- Sure, I'm here, man.
I wasn't totally, like, running them over with the bus, but I was definitely, you know, telling Danny, "I don't know where they are.
I mean, they should be here.
" [Phone ringing.]
- Hello? - Hey, what's up? This is Danny.
- What's up, bro? - Not much, man.
I'm just trying to find out where the girls are.
- I know that this time she was at the doctor.
- Pardon? - 'Cause she has a urinary tract infection.
- Who? Nicole does? - Yeah.
- Oh.
- But she went a while ago, so we were expecting her to be back now.
- [Sighs.]
This sucks.
You know, not even a phone call or anything.
All right, man.
Thank you very much.
I appreciate it.
- He's pissed? I thought they would have called him.
- Well he said, he goes, "I didn't get a phone call or anything.
" - Are you kidding me? - Yeah.
[Rock music.]
- Maybe we should have called Danny.
- What do you mean? - To say we were going to the doctor's, and we might be a little late.
- [Bleep.]
Happens.
- We didn't know it was gonna take that long also.
- You girls have some nerve.
- We have doctor notes.
- Doctor notes? [Bleep.]
.
- Did you like our cake? - Happy about that.
- Love you.
- No, you don't.
You hate my guts.
- Yes, I do.
I'm sorry.
- No, she felt really bad today.
They baked you a cake last night.
We were gonna get balloons.
- And then she showed up an hour late.
- Well, we went to the hospital-- or the doctor's, at 3:30.
We didn't know it was gonna take two hours.
Danny, you know, he wasn't that mad at me.
He's like, "whatever.
" But I know there's some punishment coming.
- Bring all these boxes into the shed.
[Rock music.]
- I have to pick up all the [Bleep.]
heavy boxes Ow! Put 'em in the shed, and then do this, do that.
See any clothes I'd like? Ooh, what's this? Shorts? Windex this, do this, and I'm like, oh, my God.
This is frickin' retail abuse.
I'm too pretty for this [Bleep.]
.
- Teamwork, boo.
[Rock music playing.]
- [Groans.]
- What's wrong with you? - Just tired.
- Did you eat the cake? - No, I-- - who do you think ate the cake? - I don't eat cake.
- Everyone's saying it's you in the house.
- Did I eat the cake? Holy [Bleep.]
.
Did I eat the cake? [Laughs.]
- Who ate the cake? I want to know.
- Just be honest, man.
- I know, I'm honest.
- Come clean.
- I would say if I ate the cake.
- "I had some cake.
" - I love the fact that I'm the one that ate the cake.
I'm the unanimous decision that I ate the cake.
It's unanimous, but I had nothing to do with it.
I'm actually guilty in this house until proven innocent, so if anything goes wrong in this house, the situation did it.
- Was he part of the cake making? - No, but he was up when we went to sleep.
- Yeah, there you go.
Everyone but him knew that the cake was being made.
Mike always is the instigator.
He's always the one that's doing sneaky [Bleep.]
, so Mike is our number one suspect.
- So, dude, did you really eat my cake? - I actually am on a diet, so it cannot even be me.
- That's hilarious.
[Electronica playing.]
- Deena, come here.
- What? - Hmm.
When you went to bed last night, I smelled the cake and I couldn't take it.
- It was you! It was you! - I had to take a bite of the cake.
I had to take a bite of the cake.
- You! - I couldn't help it! I couldn't help it! The second I heard deena go to sleep, I tiptoed right into the kitchen, got myself a spoon, and I ate myself a piece of that cake.
Don't cook a cake in my house and expect me not to eat it.
- It was you! - I couldn't help it! - I've been so mad at Mike all day.
All day! I feel kind of bad that I blamed Mike the entire time for the cake.
It's like the kid really does get blamed for everything.
[Overlapping chatter.]
- Nice arm.
Look at that [Bleep.]
.
- Listen to this.
So I come up this morning and there's a little piece of cake missing, and I was like, "Mike! [Bleep.]
Mike ate the cake!" Like, I thought, 'cause everybody else was asleep and you, like, ate the cake.
- I--do you know I'm on a diet? - It was pauly that ate the cake.
- Everybody blamed me.
I was blamed.
- For the cake.
- Blamed for the [Bleep.]
cake, and I'm on a diet.
- I apologize for that.
- The roommates definitely piss me off.
I get blamed for everything.
I've been good the whole time.
Like, they'd only notice if I was bad, so I feel like the mean Mike is about to come out, and you're not gonna like it.
I always pick you over everybody.
- You do.
It makes me feel special.
- I can't think of anything wrong.
It's almost too good to be true.
- I just want to see deena and Joey have sex.
I mean, I'm bored.
- I was blamed for the [Bleep.]
cake, and I'm on a diet.
- I apologize for that.
- I get blamed for everything.
I've been good the whole time.
Like, they'd only notice if I was bad.
What time you coming through tonight? - Try to time it up for like 11:00-11:30.
- Where's unit at? - I think he's still in Florida.
- He didn't--he didn't get home yet? - Nah, I think they're coming home tomorrow morning, he said.
- All right, all right, all right, all right.
If he's coming home tomorrow, whatever.
- Is that cool? You still want me to come out there? - Yeah, of course I want you to come out here, you know what I mean? I've at least got to have one of my friends out in the [Bleep.]
battle zone.
You know what I mean? - Yeah.
- All right, brother.
Come through and do what you gotta do, and I guess I'll see you, um, around 11:30.
- 11:00-11:30.
- All right, no doubt.
- Later, brother.
- Peace.
[Bleep.]
, [Bleep.]
.
Looks like the master plan was derailed for another night.
It was supposed to be tonight.
Deena, where are we going? Karma tonight? - I guess.
I'm going to karma tonight.
Let's get this night started.
[Hip-hop music playing.]
- [Groans.]
I look like a Jersey skank, and I love it.
- Roll out.
Roll out.
We have business to go do.
- [Laughs.]
- It's like, you know what I mean? We're going to work.
- [Laughs.]
- Like, we punch in.
My shift starts as soon as I walk into karma.
- I'm trying to get laid tonight.
- I put in work.
- I'm a player.
- You work mad whore.
- I'm the player of the month.
- [Laughs.]
[Electronica playing.]
- What's going on? - What's up, bro? - You get a haircut? - How the hell are you, you big monkey? - It's my birthday in, like, five minutes.
- It's her birthday! - It's your birthday? - In, like, five minutes.
- Paula's like, "it's my birthday," so right then and there, jenni is like, "shots!" Here comes the shots and this is where it sucks.
- Happy Birthday! - Whoo! - Happy Birthday, Paula! - My doctor said that I can't really drink a lot, but I knew it was gonna be so hard not to drink, so you know what? I just gave in and I drank and I drank Long island.
And I drank.
Honestly, I drank so much that my frickin' uti was drunk, so now I know he's happy, I'm happy, everybody's happy.
- What's today? What's today? What's today? - Your birthday.
- Yes, it is.
- I see Paula and, like, she's looking good.
For her birthday, we definitely smash.
- Time to go! Everybody out! [Overlapping chatter.]
- Tell me if I have camel-toe! - If it's your birthday, you're allowed to have camel-toe, Paula.
- Stop it! Let me down! - If it was my birthday, I would have camel-toe too.
You feel me? Yeah, buddy.
Yeah, buddy.
Birthday sex.
- Are you actually gonna give her birthday sex now? - Yes, she is getting birthday sex.
- [Laughs.]
- Man, you better give it to me.
- Oh, you better give it to her, bro.
[Guitar music.]
- Let's go see the waves upstairs be romantic.
Guess you'd have to say that Paula is my main squeeze right now.
She's definitely very, very cute.
Very, very sexy body.
Cool personality.
Like, I can't think of anything wrong.
It's almost too good to be true.
So three years in the making, we finally had a real date.
- Three years.
- Mm-hmm.
- I don't know what that says, but-- [laughter.]
- I always pick you over everybody.
- You do.
It makes me feel special.
- Mm-hmm.
- You know how to make me feel like the only girl in a room with a million girls in it.
- Mm-hmm.
All right, come on, let's go.
It's definitely hard for me to settle down, and I'm very, very picky when it comes to girlfriends, but me and Paula have been hanging out a lot and getting along very well, so who knows? Don't fall now.
- Watch your mouth.
- [Laughs.]
Good night.
- I hope you can keep up with me.
- I don't know.
I don't think you can keep up with me.
- Oh, don't try to threaten me with a challenge.
[Overlapping chatter.]
- Ronnie's wasted.
[Laughter.]
Oh, my God.
- Yo, jwoww.
- This guy is grabbing me and Roger is like, "yo, back off.
" - Nicole? - Hmm? - We have work.
- Already? - I know, right? - Did you have a good birthday? - I got my birthday sex.
- Good for you.
- [Laughs.]
- I actually really like Paula, and I think Mike likes Paula.
Truthfully, deep down, I think he does.
Can we go to work? Let's go.
- Cool.
- Gotta go to work.
- This is the hottest walk of shame I've ever seen.
- We just completed a trifecta-- gym, tan, and laundry.
Now take me to lunch, bitch.
- It's on fisher, right? - Don't tell me where it's at, bro.
I'm gonna tell you where it's at, [Bleep.]
.
I put up with a lot of [Bleep.]
being with you.
- I'm definitely not breaking up with pauly.
We're in a committed relationship, and me andauly are gonna take this thing to the next level forever.
- Take a left.
- That's [Bleep.]
sad.
- [Laughs.]
Yep, vinny's my dude.
We're like the meatballs, except we're not meatballs.
[Upbeat music.]
- $23.
40.
- Yeah, I'm gonna pay for this bitch here.
- Wow.
You're taking me to lunch.
- How cute.
- Me and vinny going to muscle maker, it is definitely a date.
- Hopefully I get it in later.
- I paid for his dry cleaning this morning.
- You guys are gonna smush? Watch out.
Behave.
- All right.
We won't.
- [Laughs.]
You won't.
Bye, guys.
See ya later.
- Lost our keys.
I'm a little bit of a putz sometimes with my keys and cannot find them right now, so I'm looking all over muscle maker to see where I dropped 'em.
They have to be here.
I mean, I friggin' drove here, right? Always losin' stuff.
- Look, here they are on the ground, right here.
I can't--I can't let this guy drive anymore.
- I was telling you.
Bye.
- Bye-bye.
- Bye.
- This is why I don't let my man vinny drive.
Like, you only have one job.
Hold on to the keys when you're driving.
He couldn't even do that.
Make a left.
- Left? [Bleep.]
That.
- [Laughs.]
[Electronica.]
[Phone ringing.]
- Hello? - Yeah? - Yeah, what's up? - Nothin'.
So you'll be at jenks? - Yeah, I'm gonna go there.
You goin'? - Yeah.
- All right.
What time you goin'? - We'll probably be there around 11:00.
- All right, yeah.
I'm gonna go with my brother and a few of my friends.
- All right, cool.
So I'll see you there.
- All right.
- All right, bye.
Tonight, I'm so excited to go to jenks.
Joey's meeting us there.
Me and him have hooked up before.
To have him come to the house would just be phenomenal.
- I'm not going, then.
You know, I'll just stay here, whatever.
- What are you gonna do? - I'll entertain myself.
- [Bleep.]
Pop? - Probably.
Maybe I'll clean the house.
Pbbbt! That was a joke.
- I don't know what's going oz in this house.
Snooki doesn't want to go to jenks.
She said it's gonna get boring.
J-yawn's sleeping away.
We got situation, snoring away.
I don't know what's in the friggin' water in this house, but it's not affecting me.
- Ready? - Yeah, let's go.
- Love you.
What you drinking? You can't do that.
Oh, cool.
- Thank you.
- Cool! I just got a party drink.
[Door slams.]
- Next stop, jenkinson's.
- I just want to say I'm really happy that we're doing something different tonight.
- Me too, bro.
[Electronica playing.]
- We're here already? This is awesome.
[Cheering.]
- We get to jenks tonight, and there's people everywhere.
The music's jumping, the drinks are flowing, and everyone's just ready to have a good time.
[Cheering.]
I'm hearing the music, and my feet just start going.
I got gumby ankles.
You don't want those.
- Oh! - Oh, my God.
Like, Ronnie is wasted, and I'm loving every second of it.
I'm just like, this is so funny.
I'm, like, giving myself a cramp from laughing so hard.
- Mike.
- Yes? - Let's go to jimbo's.
This is Lola.
- Where's your-- where's your drink? There's your hat.
- This is Lola.
- I thought of a good idea.
- What? She's a prostitute from Vegas, and she'll do anything.
- Did you-- [Laughs.]
Did you ever see, um, varsity blues? - Yes.
- Where they just pour, like, whipped cream on each other and then they just have whipped cream on it and they're drunk? We should do that.
- Mike, I want to go out.
- [Laughs.]
That's fun.
I'll put just whipped cream on it, you just put whipped cream on, and we could be drunk.
That'd be real fun.
- Mike, no.
- Okay.
I'm definitely flirting with her right now, and I'm just gonna push the envelope until she bends.
Or [Bleep.]
.
One or the other.
- It's like 12 to 10:00.
We should go somewhere.
- Where do you want to go? - What's 12 to 10 mean? - 12 minutes to 10:00? - Yeah.
What's that mean? - I think that means ten minutes to 12:00.
- Really? - Mm-hmm.
- Oh, so I said it right.
- Mm-mm.
- I have no idea how to speak clock language, so when I say, "hi, what time is it?" And somebody says, "a quarter past 2:00," just say it's, [Bleep.]
, like 2:30.
It's still early.
- Um, we can get really drunk and, um, we can get my furry handcuffs out.
- I don't understand why Mike has to be such a creep and try and, like, get with me or whatever.
All he's thinking about is, like, sex and hooking up.
- I'm kind of horny right now.
That's really all I want to do.
- I can't deal with you.
- Can you just wear the furry boots when you come back? - Oh, dear [Bleep.]
.
Jenni, let's go do something.
- [Laughs.]
She likes it.
She's just playing around.
- You're gonna get lipstick on you.
Me and Joey hooked up before.
- Are you gonna do sex? - Can I watch? - You're coming down here tonight, right? Nicole is definitely not off the hook.
I will not be made out to be a liar.
It's gonna be a wild night, then.
Mm-hmm.
- Cheers! I'm having a blast here.
Joey's here, and we're, like, excited, and I'm like, mmm, yum! Did you miss me? - The whole week I haven't seen you? - Yeah.
- How about you? Did you miss me? You're, like, high on life.
That's why I like you.
- That's why I like you.
- What? - 'Cause you're like me.
- High on life? - Joey definitely seems like he's into me, and I really like Joey's personality.
He has that nice guy, but a bit of a [Bleep.]
at the same time, which I'm into.
Who knows? Maybe this could be a start of a good thing.
You're gonna get lipstick on you.
- I got chapstick.
- No.
You're gonna get lipstick on you.
Merp.
- All right, let's go.
- You're coming home, right? - Everyone wants to go.
What do you want to do? - We'll hang out at the house.
- I'm gonna get a little popcorn.
- I'm gonna sleep.
- You gonna go to bed? - Wanna smoke really quick? - Yeah, buddy.
The second I get in the house from jenks, I know deena is gonna come home with a dude, but I am going to set her up like I used to do.
I'm taking disgusting plates that are in the kitchen-- one that has all the cookie residue and putting that on her bed.
I'm putting the blender on her bed.
I'm putting the dirty bowls on her bed.
She's gonna need protein for all that sex she's about to have.
I'm gonna leave her a nice little spread.
That should do it.
[Playful music.]
- I'm gonna change first.
I'm gonna change.
Yeah, right.
What the [Bleep.]
is this? Get real with this [Bleep.]
.
Come on.
What the hell, people? Who put this in my bed? You get the [Bleep.]
cookie, 'cause I know you did it.
- I just got home.
- Get real.
Pauly.
You didn't put that in my bed? - No.
- Then who put it in my bed? You're mad at me? - [Mouthing words.]
- Stupid ass.
- I flipped the script on her, laid down the guilt trip, and now she's trying to apologize to me and ask why I'm mad at her.
[Laughs.]
Deena is super gullible, and I love it.
- Freakin' hell.
- Cool.
- Deena and Joey are up, and I'm like, oh, people to [Bleep.]
with.
Are you gonna do sex? - Who? Can I watch? - There's a smush room.
- Who is this character? Who is this? - Joey.
Nice to meet you.
- That's Dee's man.
- Who? - The one she likes.
- Oh.
- The one she talks about.
- Oh! You're here.
Whoo! I have no idea what I'm talking about.
I'm not thinking.
I'm just talking.
She likes you a lot, so if you [Bleep.]
her over, we will kill you.
You be nice to her.
- I am nice to her.
- He's blushing.
- Do you have a condom? - Nah.
- Do you have a condom? - Nah.
- What do you mean, "nah"? - I don't have one.
- Pauly! - Pauly! - Really? - Yeah, 100%.
- What's wrong with you? - I didn't--I--I didn't even know I was coming back tonight.
- Uh, you're annoying.
Do you have a condom? Do you have a condom? It's for deena.
You need to say you didn't get it from us.
- Oh, my God.
You're killing this kid right now.
I feel bad for him right now.
- Ehh, ehh, ehh, merp, merp, mer-- - welp, merp.
That's how she finishes off.
Merp, and everything, and that's all.
[Snoring.]
[Laughter.]
- So did you hook up with any other guys that I know? - I don't do sex with randoms.
Even though I did sex with you.
But you're not a random.
I really like you.
- Can we go watch? - Give it five minutes, 'cause it just got awkward.
- Okay.
I just want to see deena and Joey have sex.
I mean, I'm bored.
- Huh! - Just kidding! Love you.
- Merp.
- I'm all ready for Roger to come, 'cause the last thing he expects is for me to be answering the door in this outfit.
- Can you tell us your spiel right now? What you're supposed to say at the table? - I'll walk up like I'm taking you guys' order.
- We're having family dinner, and we're all eating at this table, and I'm like this is the perfect time to bomb them with a grenade balloon.
- All right, well, just to let you all know-- - do you have any specials? - I will get to that.
- [Blowing raspberry.]
[Laughter.]
[Overlapping chatter.]
- Just to let you all know-- [All scream.]
- Who is that? - Oh, my sneakers! - Remember when we were ten time felt like it had no end - I wake up this morning, and it's like a great feeling.
Like, I'm like, yay.
Like, I haven't had this feeling in a while.
[Dialing phone number.]
[Phone ringing.]
- Hi, um, can I have a taxi to 1200 ocean terrace? - How many people? - Just one.
Thanks.
- Thanks.
- I call a cab for Joey, and I'm like, merrr.
I really like you.
I don't want you to leave yet.
- [Groans.]
- Cab's here.
Bye.
- Bye.
- Okay, okay.
- Call me later.
- All right.
- Wow, he's so cute.
I actually think deena loves Joey.
You can fall in love at the Jersey shore.
You never know what can happen.
I've got to get myself together now.
- What are you doing over there on the "get ready" couch? - Nothing.
I think I pulled my back.
- Yikes.
It's all that Jersey turnpiking, grrrr.
- I don't know if my back hurts from, you know, giving out my golden ticket, or from Jersey turnpiking so much.
Joey may have banged my back out of alignment.
He's, you know, good in bed.
- Does this mean your years of Jersey turnpiking are over? - No.
Oh, my God.
- Yo, if you hurt your back Jersey turnpiking, that's deena problems, and I love it.
[Laughs.]
- [Groans.]
Oh, God.
I don't remember.
- Look, I'm gonna stretch you out.
Ready? - Oh.
Eh.
What? - Oh, it stinks over here.
- Shut up.
- [Laughs.]
- [Bleep.]
, vin.
- [Laughs.]
- [Bleep.]
.
[Groans.]
- You drive.
Driving? [Upbeat music playing.]
[Dial tone.]
[Dialing phone number.]
[Phone ringing.]
- Yo.
- Yo, what up? - What's crack-a-lackin'? - No--nothing, man.
Coming down here tonight, right? - Yeah.
Hell yeah.
Hell yeah.
- Cool, cool, cool.
Um - How's everything going? Any more ruckuses? - No, no.
I didn't, um, I didn't do anything yet.
- You're--you're--you're-- you're waiting.
- Yeah, I waited, 'cause I didn't see that person either.
Nicole is definitely not off the hook.
We need to let jionni know, hey, snooki really did cheat on you.
I will not be made out to be a liar.
I think Saturday night's the night everybody goes out and sees each other, so it's gonna be a wild night, then.
- Mm-hmm.
- You know what I mean? - Yeah.
- Peace.
- Peace.
- You know what? In a way, I--I actually do owe jionni the truth.
I feel bad that every time he's kissing his girl, he's like, you know, kissing my, you know, ehh.
- Cool.
Pretty.
- I am wearing this outfit tonight for Roger to know that there are tww big reasons why he is still with me.
- Boing.
Jenni's showing me this outfit that she wants to wear to karma.
It doesn't show, you know-- well, it does show everything, but I feel like it doesn't cover anything.
That's the jwoww we love.
It's about frickin' time.
Your ass cheeks are out.
- I'm all ready for Roger to come, 'cause the last thing he expects is for me to be answering the door in this outfit.
- Coming.
[Duck phone quacks.]
- Hey.
Holy crap.
- Hi.
- Hi, babe.
How are you? [Duck phone quacks.]
- Good.
How are you.
The [Bleep.]
duck, man.
- I like the outfit or lack thereof.
- All the fighting and drama with Roger and getting my ass chewed out over the phone is worth it for this moment, opening the door and seeing Roger's face.
- You seen my girlfriend? I haven't seen her in a few days.
- [Laughs.]
Yeah, I haven't seen my boyfriend either.
- Is this the real you or the psycho that called me the other day? [Laughter.]
I like your outfit.
Holy crap.
- Yeah, I bought it when I was angry at you.
- Oh, yeah? You were gonna go, like, wear that out? - Huh? - What'd you make that out of? Like, a handkerchief? - And some thread.
I'm just dying inside, 'cause I know Roger loves it but he's also probably very concerned for tonight.
He probably doesn't want to get in a fight or an argument with all the guys gawking, which I can't wait for.
I thought if I didn't call, I would see you there tonight.
- You rockin' that and have every swingin' [Bleep.]
In the place on you? Good idea, good idea.
- No.
- Let's have fun tonight and put all that [Bleep.]
behind us.
I just know I wasn't calling to kiss your ass.
I know that.
- Cabs are here.
- Cabs are here.
- Cab's here.
- Cabs are here.
- Don't let a boob slip.
[Dance music.]
- Karma is crazy, crazy, crazy.
I've never seen it this crazy.
Like, it's insane.
[Overlapping shouts.]
[Cheering.]
- That was good.
- Yo, that--that one chick was teeing off on the girl that was getting held down.
- I was avoiding it.
I'm like this.
My boobs.
My boobs.
- Hey, get 'em up here.
- Salud! - Salud! - Cheers! - I just want to get a shirt.
- For? A shirt? - In case I fight.
I want to throw on a shirt.
- Jenni, you're not fighting.
- What if someone swings? - Nobody's gonna-- then I'm punching.
Don't worry about it.
Don't fight.
Jenni, don't fight.
- Karma is packed tonight and I don't feel comfortable.
Like, all this crazy [Bleep.]
is happening, and I'm so paranoid that this dress is gonna snap and my boobs are gonna come popping out.
- Baby, let's get out of here.
I'm not dancing to bon jovi.
Come on.
- Let's go over here.
- Yo, jwoww! It's no time to leave.
- This guy is non-stop grabbing me and pulls down my dress a little bit.
And then Roger's like, "yo, back off.
" - Take a walk, bro.
- Really? - Yeah, really.
- Stop! Stop!