Keeping Up Appearances s05e07 Episode Script
The Boy Friend
( theme music plays ) ( mutters ) AHH, VICAR! ( bike clatters ) GOOD MORNING, VICAR.
HOW NICE OF YOU TO DROP BY FOR A CHAT.
ARE YOU ALL RIGHT? HYACINTH, TELEPHONE! SHH! PLEASE DON'T SHOU IN THE STREET, RICHARD.
I DO APOLOGIZE, VICAR.
I MUST ANSWER MY WHITE SLIMLINE TELEPHONE WITH LAST NUMBER REDIAL FACILITY.
IT'S BOUND TO BE SOMEONE IMPORTANT.
( sighs ) OH, DO PICK THE VICAR UP, RICHARD.
IT MAKES THE STREE LOOK SO UNTIDY.
AND THE LADY OF THE HOUSE SPEAKING.
SHERIDAN! OH, I'M SO GLAD YOU'VE CALLED, DEAR.
YOU'VE SAVE MOMMY PICKING UP THE VICAR.
DADDY DIDN'T TELL ME YOU WERE ON THE TELEPHONE.
OH, SHERIDAN, HOW COULD HE NOT KNOW IT WAS YOU? YOU GREW UP TOGETHER.
HMM? YOU DISGUISED YOUR VOICE, DEAR? WHY DID YOU DISGUISE YOUR VOICE? SOMETHING PERSONAL YOU WISH TO SHARE WITH MOMMY THAT DADDY WOULDN' UNDERSTAND.
OH, SHERIDAN, I THINK IT'S WONDERFUL THAT YOU STILL FEEL YOU CAN CONFIDE IN MOMMY.
MMM, THAT WE'RE STILL SUCH PALS.
NOW WHAT IS IT, DEAR? YOU NEED £70.
THIS GREAT CRY RANG OUT, AND MY FOO SLIPPED OFF THE PEDAL AND I LOST MY BALANCE.
WHEN SHE SHOUTS LIKE THAT, PEOPLE DO.
MRS.
BUCKET-- "BOUQUET" HAS AN EXTREMELY POWERFUL VOICE.
LOOK AT THE PRACTICE IT GETS.
( chuckles ) HOW DO YOU MANAGE? IT'S LIKE THE ARMY.
YOU JUST FOLLOW ORDERS.
EVERY MOVE IS WORKED OUT FOR YOU AND YOUR MEALS APPEAR ON TIME.
BUT THEY ONLY SIGN ON FOR 20 YEARS.
UNDERNEATH SHE'S REALLY QUITE KIND.
OH, YES.
( vicar mutters ) MORNING, ALL.
OH, HANG ON, EMMET.
I'M GOING YOUR WAY.
- FAST, I HOPE.
- DEFINITELY.
CHIN UP.
HEY, HANDSOME.
BREAKFAST TIME, O MIGHTY HUSBAND.
BREAKFAST TIME, O MAN OF MY LIFE.
WHAT'S ALL THIS IN AID OF? JUST A LITTLE THOUGHTFUL AC OF THE KIND WIVES DO FOR HUSBANDS.
I'M NOT DOING THE GARDEN.
I DID IT LAST YEAR.
YOU DID IT WHEN? ALL RIGHT, YEAR BEFORE LAST.
IT'S NOT THE GARDEN.
I THOUGHT WE MIGHT SPEND THE DAY TOGETHER, JUST THE TWO OF US.
FATHER'S GOING TO THE OVER-60s.
ROSE HAS AN APPOINTMEN WITH A GENTLEMAN FRIEND.
WE'VE GOT THE HOUSE TO OURSELVES.
YOU'RE RIGHT, I SHOULD DO THE GARDEN.
EAT YOUR BREAKFAST.
( silent ) GOOD MORNING.
HELLO.
IT LOOKS CLEAN TO ME.
IT DOES TO ME, NOW.
FALSE.
PLASTIC.
WHY DOES SHERIDAN NEED £70? AT THAT AGE, THEY ALWAYS NEED £70.
EVER SINCE I CAN REMEMBER, HE'S BEEN AT THAT AGE.
YES, IT'S TRUE.
HE MATURED VERY EARLY.
EVEN IN THE CUBS HE HAD MORE EQUIPMENT THAN THE S.
A.
S.
HOW IT BREAKS A MOMMY'S HEAR TO SEE HER SON GO OFF IN UNIFORM.
TO THE CUB SCOUTS? FOR TWO HOURS ON A WEDNESDAY? I DIDN'T SEE EMME THIS MORNING.
NO, HE LEFT EARLY.
POOR, SHY EMMET.
IT CAN'T BE EASY FOR HIM TO COMMUNICATE WITH SOMEONE HE SETS ON SUCH A HIGH PEDESTAL.
THEY'RE REHEARSING "THE BOYFRIEND.
" BUT YOU DIDN'T TELL ME.
HYACINTH, WE'VE BEEN MARRIED ALL THESE YEARS I'VE NEVER BEEN ABLE TO TELL YOU ANYTHING.
TWO COFFEES, PLEASE.
WE'LL HAVE COFFEE AT HOME.
COME ALONG, RICHARD.
VERY NICE, THANK YOU.
( burlesque music playing ) ( music stops ) WELL? ANY MORE BACON? POOR EMMET.
I'M SURE HE'D LOVE TO ASK ME TO BE IN "THE BOYFRIEND," BUT HE'S TOO SHY.
I'VE NOTICED BEFORE I HAVE THIS EFFECT ON HIM.
YOU MUST BE JEALOUS, RICHARD.
I'M SURE IT'S PURELY PLATONIC.
BUT ISN'T "THE BOYFRIEND" FULL OF YOUNG PEOPLE? - 1920s FLAPPERS.
- YES, IT IS.
WOULDN'T IT BE LOVELY? WON'T IT NEED SOMEONE YOUNGER? HMM? WELL, I CAN DO YOUNGER.
IT'S ALL TO DO WITH ACTING, MAKE-UP, WIGS AND THINGS.
YOU CAN'T HAVE FORGOTTEN MY FAIRY QUEEN IN THE CHURCH PANTOMIME.
I HAVEN'T FORGOTTEN, AND I DON'T THINK THAT I EVER WILL FORGET THAT.
- SHE'S OUT! - ( gasps ) LET ME BE THE FIRS TO CONGRATULATE YOU ON YOUR TIMING.
THAT IS POSSIBLY THE MOST BEAUTIFUL PHRASE "SHE'S OUT.
" IT RINGS LIKE MUSIC TO THE EARS.
THEY'VE GONE OU IN THE CAR.
WAS SHE SINGING ANYTHING? ESPECIALLY ANYTHING 1920s? SHE WAS GIVING RICHARD HIS INSTRUCTIONS AS USUAL.
- SHE WASN'T SINGING.
- ( laughs ) OH, SHE WILL BE, ONCE SHE LEARNS I'M REHEARSING "THE BOYFRIEND.
" SHE WON'T ONLY BE SINGING AT ME, SHE'LL BE SINGING 1920s AT ME.
OH, SHE CAN'T EXPEC A PART IN "THE BOYFRIEND.
" I MEAN, SHE'S TOO OLD.
EVEN HYACINTH WOULDN'T EX-- I COULD BE HAPPY ( scatting ) I'D BE CONTENTED-- COFFEE IN 10 MINUTES, ELIZABETH.
BRING EMMET, WON'T YOU? ( sighs ) WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE, OUR ROSE? I THOUGHT YOU WERE OUT FOR THE DAY.
I'VE NEVER BEEN SO INSULTED IN ALL MY LIFE.
IF THAT'S TRUE, IT MUST'VE BEEN A BIG DAY.
I WAS PLANNING ON A BIG DAY.
I WAS PLANNING ON HAVING ONSLOW TO MYSELF.
LUCKY YOU.
I'VE BEEN SETTING MY STALL OU TO IGNITE WHATEVER SPARK IS LEFT.
HOW YOU DOING? NOT VERY WELL.
WE'RE OUT OF BACON.
I'LL COME WITH YOU.
OH, MEN.
YOU CAN'T TRUST 'EM.
NOW WE ALL KNOW IT'S NOT MY STYLE TO BE DICTATORIAL.
I DON'T WANT TO OVERWHELM POOR EMMET.
THIS IS SOMETHING WE HAVE TO DO WITH TAC AND DISCRETION.
- WE HAVE TO DO? - MMM.
I'VE BEEN CONSCRIPTED.
IT IS LIKE THE ARMY.
NOW WHEN WE'RE HAVING COFFEE, I WANT YOU TO WALK IN HERE VERY CASUALLY AND SWITCH ON THE HI-FI.
( '20s swing music plays ) WE DON'T USUALLY HAVE MUSIC WHEN THEY COME FOR COFFEE.
IN FACT, USUALLY YOU HAVE COFFEE IN THE KITCHEN.
NORMALLY, YES, BU TODAY I SHALL BRING ELIZABETH AND EMMET IN HERE.
AND WE SHALL WALLOW IN THE SUPERIOR AMBIANCE OF MY "HOUSE BEAUTIFUL" LOOK-ALIKE LOUNGE.
I'LL FEEL AN IDIO JUST WALKING IN AND SWITCHING ON THE HI-FI.
IT'S ALL READY.
JUST REMEMBER, NOT TOO LOUD.
NOTHING EXCESSIVE.
YOU KNOW ME, I'M A GREAT BELIEVER IN UNDERSTATEMENT.
I THINK YOU SHOULD CHANGE, DEAR.
WHY SHOULD I CHANGE? OH, TRY TO CREATE A MORE 1920s ATMOSPHERE.
LET PEOPLE SEE IT'S SOMETHING WE'RE PERFECTLY AT HOME WITH.
HOW AM I GOING TO DO THAT? OH, A LITTLE TOUCH OF FRED ASTAIRE.
COME IN AS IF YOU'RE IN A GOOD MOOD, DO A LITTLE TWIRL AND A TAP.
IT-- IT'S NOT REALLY ME, HYACINTH.
DON'T BE OBSTRUCTIVE, RICHARD.
WE'RE TRYING TO HELP EMMET.
NO, LIZ.
TELL HER I'VE BECOME ALLERGIC TO COFFEE.
TELL HER I'VE JUST GONE DOWN WITH RIGOR MORTIS.
TELL HER I'VE GONE TO GREENLAND.
TEL HER I'VE-- AHHH.
NOW THAT'S A GOOD IDEA.
WHY DON'T I GO TO GREENLAND? GET THE PLACE WARM AND I'LL FOLLOW YOU.
OH NO, IT'S NO GOOD.
EVEN IF I GOT TO GREENLAND, I EXPECT THE FIRST ESKIMO I CAME ACROSS WOULD BE HOLDING CANDLELIGHT SUPPERS.
YOU MIGHT JUST AS WELL GET IT OVER.
COME AND HAVE A COFFEE AND MAKE IT PERFECTLY CLEAR TO HER THAT YOU HAVE ALREADY PICKED YOUR CAST, AND THEN SHE'LL LEAVE YOU IN PEACE.
SHE NEVER LEAVES ME IN PEACE.
I'M DESTINED TO GO THROUGH THE REST OF MY LIFE BEARING A HYACINTH.
SHE'S REALLY VERY FOND OF YOU.
I CAN'T THINK WHY.
I'M AS NASTY AS I CAN BE.
SHE THINKS YOU'RE ATTRACTED TO HER.
NOW SIT DOWN, RICHARD.
WE NEED TO TALK.
NOW OH, PERCOLATOR.
IF IT'S ABOUT SHERIDAN, HE'S GETTING NO MORE MONEY THIS MONTH.
IT'S NOT SHERIDAN, AND YOU NEEDN'T BE SO MEAN WITH THAT CHILD.
HE'S NOT A CHILD ANYMORE.
AT HIS AGE, ALEXANDER THE GREA WAS CONQUERING PERSIA.
I CERTAINLY DON'T WAN MY SHERIDAN CONQUERING PERSIA.
YOU KNOW HE MUSTN' GET OVEREXCITED.
THE WAY HE SPENDS, IT'S ME THAT GETS EXCITED.
SHOULDN'T THA BE "I," DEAR? OH, PROBABLY.
SO WHAT DID THOU WANT TO SPEAK TO I ABOUT? NOW DON' BE SILLY, DEAR.
I WANT TO PREPARE YOU FOR WHAT WILL HAPPEN IF EMMET OFFERS ME A PART IN "THE BOYFRIEND.
" OH, I SHOULDN'T SET TOO MANY HOPES ON THAT, HYACINTH.
IT'LL MEAN MANY HOURS WORKING WITH EMMET.
THERE'LL BE DAYS WHEN YOU HAVE TO GE YOUR OWN SUPPER.
AND THERE IS SOMETHING ELSE, DEAR-- I'VE NOTICED I HAVE A VERY POWERFUL EFFECT ON EMMET.
BUT YOU KNOW YOU CAN TRUST ME.
AND I DON'T WAN YOU TO BE JEALOUS.
I THINK I MIGHT BE ABLE TO MANAGE THAT, HYACINTH.
DIDN'T YOU KNOW HE WAS MARRIED? WELL, YES, BUT I DIDN'T KNOW IT WAS SERIOUS.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING OUT? ASK YOUR FATHER.
I THOUGHT HE'D GONE TO THE OVER-60s? HE CAME BACK AGAIN, DIDN'T HE? THAT'S NO REASON FOR YOU TO GO OUT.
THAT'S WHAT I TOLD HIM.
BUT HE SAID IT'S A RESTRICTED MILITARY AREA, AND ALL CIVILIANS HAVE TO LEAVE.
OH, HE'S OFF AGAIN.
NICE.
DRIVEN OU OF YOUR OWN HOUSE AT BAYONET POINT.
WHERE DID HE GE A BAYONET? I DON'T KNOW WHERE HE GOT IT FROM.
BUT I COULD SEE WHERE HE THOUGHT IT WAS GOING.
ROSE DID YOU FORGE TO GIVE HIM HIS PILLS? OH, I THOUGHT YOU WERE GIVING HIM THEM.
AND SO A BLOKE GETS NO PEACE IN HIS OWN HOUSE.
IF IT'S NO HIS WIFE GOING BROODY IT'S HER CRAZY FATHER.
WELL, I WANT HIM OU BEFORE THE RACING STARTS ON THE TELLY.
OH, HE'S NOT CRAZY.
HE'S JUST A BIT SENILE.
A BIT?! HE THINKS I'M A GERMAN PARATROOPER! I BET YOU'D LOOK GORGEOUS IN THE UNIFORM.
OH, COME ALONG, EMMET.
LET'S GET I OVER WITH.
RING THE BELL.
( Hyacinth singing ) IT'S NEVER TOO LATE - I CAN'T DO IT! - YES, YOU CAN! YOU WEREN' REALLY SERIOUS WHEN YOU SAID SHE THINKS I'M ATTRACTED TO HER? SHE'S NOTICED SHE HAS A POWERFUL EFFECT ON YOU.
YOU CAN SAY THAT AGAIN.
AND SHE THINKS IT'S BECAUSE YOU FIND HER ATTRACTIVE.
I THINK I WAN TO DIE.
RING THE BELL.
( doorbell rings musically ) ELIZABETH! EMMET! ( laughs ) POOR EMMET.
I DO FLUSTER HIM SO.
COME IN.
COME IN.
COME IN, COME IN, COME IN.
OH, IT'S NEVER TOO LATE RICHARD WILL BE WITH US IN A FLASH.
- ( phone ringing ) - OH, I EXPECT THAT'S SOMEONE IMPORTANT.
- ( ringing continuing ) - NO, NO, NO, NO! WE'RE IN THE LOUNGE TODAY.
I'LL BE WITH YOU IN A MOMENT.
"BOUQUET" RESIDENCE, THE LADY OF THE HOUSE SPEAKING.
IT'S MY SISTER DAISY.
SHE'S NOT THE ONE WITH THE MERCEDES, SAUNA AND ROOM FOR A PONY.
WHY ARE YOU CALLING FROM A TELEPHONE BOX, DAISY? MMM.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN, YOU CAN'T GET IN? HAVE YOU LOST YOUR KEYS? WELL, WHY WON'T DADDY LET ANYONE IN? HE'S HAD ORDERS TO DEFEND THE HOUSE TO THE LAST MAN? WHAT A WONDERFUL SENSE OF DUTY DADDY HAS.
YES.
NO, I CANNO COME OVER, DEAR.
WE HAVE GUESTS.
JUST HOLD ON A MINUTE, WILL YOU, DAISY? I'M SO SORRY ABOUT THIS.
SISTER TALK.
OH, SISTERS, SISTERS THERE WERE NEVER SUCH DEVOTED SISTERS MUSIC, RICHARD.
MUSIC, DEAR.
AND POUR THE COFFEE OUT.
OOH! SISTERS, SISTERS THERE WERE NEVER SUCH DEVOTED SISTERS.
NOW WHERE WERE WE, DAISY? YOU'VE HAD TO PU ANOTHER 20p IN.
OH, I'M SORRY ABOUT THAT.
YES.
NO, I WILL NOT ALLOW ONSLOW TO COME OVER HERE AND WATCH RACING ON MY TELEVISION.
- ( swing music playing ) - ( humming ) NOW I KNOW YOU HAVE A PROBLEM WITH DADDY, DEAR.
WHAT? HE HAS A BAYONET? IS IT A REAL ONE OR A TOY ONE? IS IT SHARP? ALL RIGHT.
ALL RIGHT, DAISY.
NOW GO BACK HOME AND WE'LL BE OVER STRAIGHTAWAY.
OHHH.
( singing ) I KNOW YOU'LL BE DISAPPOINTED, BUT SOMETHING'S JUST COME UP.
PUT THAT DREADFUL MUSIC OFF, RICHARD.
COME ALONG.
WE'LL HAVE COFFEE ON MY RETURN.
I HOPE IT'S NOTHING SERIOUS, HYACINTH.
NO, NO, NO.
IT'S JUST THAT DADDY'S LOCKED HIMSELF IN AGAIN AND THIS TIME HE MAY CUT HIMSELF.
OFF YOU GO.
I'LL CATCH YOU LATER.
- LOCKED HIMSELF IN? - WITH A RIFLE AND A BAYONET.
HE'S DEFENDING THE HOUSE TO THE LAST MAN.
SHOULD WE CALL FOR HELP? I CANNOT ALLOW DADDY TO BE MANHANDLED BY STRANGERS.
NO, RICHARD, YOU WILL HAVE TO FETCH HIM.
- WHAT, ME? - YES, YOU.
- IS HE VIOLENT? - YES, OF COURSE, HE'S VIOLENT.
HE'S DEFENDING THE HOUSE TO THE LAST MAN.
OHHH.
NOW, WHAT SHALL I WEAR? Rose: I CAN'T SEE HIM.
PERHAPS HE'S FORGOTTEN ALL ABOUT I AND GONE BACK TO BED.
SOMEBODY'D BETTER GO IN AND CHECK.
HOW ABOUT YOU? HE'S YOUR FATHER.
ANYWAY, I CAN'T GO.
HE THINKS I'M A NAZI PARATROOPER.
I'LL GO.
OH, NICE.
AND THEN SOON BE OFF AT WINCANTON.
TELL HIM THE WAR'S OVER.
HE WON'T BELIEVE ME.
HE'LL THINK I'M A SPY.
IS THAT BAYONE VERY SHARP? I DIDN'T FANCY WAITING TO FIND OUT.
IT'S BEEN A FUNNY DAY.
I WAS HOPING FOR A QUIET DAY-- JUST THE TWO OF US.
I'M STILL WAITING FOR THAT BACON.
SOME PEOPLE HAVE FOREPLAY.
I HAVE TO GRILL BACON.
Hyacinth: I EXPECT THEY'VE FORGOTTEN DADDY'S MEDICATION.
DADDY SHOULD BE IN A HOME WHICH IS ORGANIZED.
I'D HAVE AT HOME WITH US IN A FLASH IF I WASN'T REHEARSING "THE BOYFRIEND.
" MIND THAT OLD LADY.
WHERE WAS THE OLD LADY? GOING INTO THAT SHOP.
YOU THINK THAT I WAS GOING TO RAM RAID THE SHOP? HE'S NODDING OFF.
BLESS HIM.
HE MUST BE TIRED.
WHY SHOULD HE BE TIRED? IT'S A BIG RESPONSIBILITY, FIGHTING A WAR ALL ON YOUR OWN.
OHH! OH, DADDY.
ONCE HE'S BETTER WE'LL HAVE HIM OVER.
ONE AFTERNOON.
FOR TEA AND LIGH REFRESHMENTS.
IN THE GARDEN.
THE BACK GARDEN, OF COURSE.
Hyacinth: OH, GOOD HEAVENS.
THEY'VE BEEN SELLING TICKETS.
NO WONDER DADDY THINKS THERE'S STILL A WAR ON.
IS IT SAFE TO GET OUT, DO YOU THINK? I DON'T THINK YOUR FATHER'S GOING TO HURT YOU.
I'M NOT AFRAID OF DADDY.
IT'S THE NEIGHBORS ROUND HERE.
WHAT ARE YOU WORRIED ABOUT? I FEEL LIKE MARIE ANTOINETTE.
HELLO, HYACINTH.
HELLO, RICHARD.
- HELLO, DAISY.
- GOOD MORNING, DAISY.
IT LOOKS AS IF DADDY'S CAUSING QUITE A LO OF INTEREST.
YES, HE IS.
COME ON.
OH, BY THE WAY, THIS IS BERT AND MARTHA.
THIS IS MY SISTER HYACINTH.
- HOW DO YOU DO? - AND THIS IS CHARLIE.
- OH.
- HE WORKS DOWN THE DRAINS, AND PART-TIME IN THE SANDWICH SHOP.
AND THIS IS BERYL AND WILLIE.
THEY'RE OLD FRIENDS OF OURS.
WELL, NOT THAT OLD.
( laughing ) OH, AND I MUSTN' FORGET ETHEL.
SHE WAS MISS SOUTHPOR IN 1948.
REALLY? FASCINATING.
HE'S STARTED TO DOZE OFF AGAIN.
THIS WOULD BE A GOOD TIME THEN.
IT DOESN'T TAKE MUCH TO WAKE HIM.
WHICH IS MORE THAN COULD BE SAID FOR SOME PEOPLE.
NOW.
RIGHT.
OPERATION DADDY.
( dog barking ) DADDY! POOR DADDY.
HE'S SLEEPING NOW.
SIT DOWN, HYACINTH.
THIS ONE'S YOURS.
NO SUGAR, RIGHT? THANK YOU.
NO SUGAR, THAT'S RIGHT.
I'VE BEEN WANTING TO TALK TO YOU.
NOW YOU KNOW I WOULD HAVE DADDY WITH US, BUT HE BRINGS SHERIDAN OUT IN A RASH.
IT'S NOT ABOUT DADDY.
I'VE BEEN WANTING TO TALK TO YOU PRIVATELY.
- IT'S ABOUT ONSLOW.
- I WARNED YOU, DAISY, NOT TO MARRY HIM.
I LIKE BEING MARRIED TO HIM.
I THINK YOU'RE SO BRAVE, DEAR.
IT'S JUST THAT WE DON'T SEEM TO BE YOU KNOW AS CLOSE AS WE USED TO BE.
I WAS WONDERING IF YOU AND RICHARD WERE STILL, YOU KNOW AS CLOSE AS YOU USED TO BE.
OH, YES, OF COURSE.
ABSOLUTELY.
I THINK RICHARD AND I ARE THE PERFECT PAIR.
I CAN'T THINK OF A COUPLE I ADMIRE MORE.
I THINK THAT'S NICE.
HOW DO YOU KEEP HIS ATTENTION? OH, JUST RAISE YOUR VOICE, DEAR.
I'VE BEEN MEANING TO ASK YOU, DICKIE-- YOU AND HYACINTH SLEEP IN THE SAME BEDROOM, DON'T YOU? YES, WHY? - AND SHARE A DOUBLE BED? - YEAH.
YOU'VE GOT SOME NERVE.
I ADMIRE THAT.
I REALLY DO ADMIRE THAT.
JUST BETWEEN YOU AND ME, HOW DO YOU HANDLE THINGS WHEN SHE GETS A BIT YOU KNOW, FRIENDLY? FRIENDLY? HYACINTH RUNS A VERY CLEAN ESTABLISHMENT, BUT I WOULDN' CALL IT FRIENDLY.
WHAT WOULD YOU DO IF IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGH YOU SUDDENLY FEL A FRIENDLY ARM AROUND YOU? I'D GET STRAIGHT UP.
I'D KNOW I WAS IN THE WRONG BED.
AND YOU MEAN YOU STILL FIND ONSLOW DESIRABLE? I ALWAYS THINK HE'S LIKE MARLON BRANDO IN "STREETCAR NAMED DESIRE.
" CONTROL YOURSELF, DAISY.
YOU'RE A MARRIED WOMAN.
MARRIAGE IS A FINE INSTITUTION DESIGNED TO ERADICATE FEELINGS LIKE THAT.
YOU KNOW WHA YOUR TROUBLE IS? - MMM? - YOU'VE NOTHING TO POLISH.
YOU'VE NO ROYAL DOULTON.
I KNOW.
WHAT ABOUT FLOWER ARRANGING? I DON'T THINK THAT WOULD BE QUITE THE SAME THING.
- WHAT'S WRONG WITH DAISY? - SHE THINKS ONSLOW'S GROWING MORE AND MORE ATTRACTIVE.
I THINK THAT'S RATHER NICE, REALLY.
HMM.
MIND THE BUS.
I THINK YOU LOST INTEREST IN ME ONCE YOU HAD SHERIDAN.
OH, DON'T BE SILLY, DEAR.
HOW CAN YOU SAY THAT? WHO WAS IT STUCK BY YOU WHEN YOU WANTED TO JOIN THE HISTORY BOOK CLUB? I ALWAYS MADE SURE YOU HAD PLENTY TO READ.
BUT YOU DON'T THINK I'M GROWING MORE AND MORE ATTRACTIVE, DO YOU? ( laughing ) GOOD HEAVENS, NO.
( laughing continues ) ( theme music plays )
HOW NICE OF YOU TO DROP BY FOR A CHAT.
ARE YOU ALL RIGHT? HYACINTH, TELEPHONE! SHH! PLEASE DON'T SHOU IN THE STREET, RICHARD.
I DO APOLOGIZE, VICAR.
I MUST ANSWER MY WHITE SLIMLINE TELEPHONE WITH LAST NUMBER REDIAL FACILITY.
IT'S BOUND TO BE SOMEONE IMPORTANT.
( sighs ) OH, DO PICK THE VICAR UP, RICHARD.
IT MAKES THE STREE LOOK SO UNTIDY.
AND THE LADY OF THE HOUSE SPEAKING.
SHERIDAN! OH, I'M SO GLAD YOU'VE CALLED, DEAR.
YOU'VE SAVE MOMMY PICKING UP THE VICAR.
DADDY DIDN'T TELL ME YOU WERE ON THE TELEPHONE.
OH, SHERIDAN, HOW COULD HE NOT KNOW IT WAS YOU? YOU GREW UP TOGETHER.
HMM? YOU DISGUISED YOUR VOICE, DEAR? WHY DID YOU DISGUISE YOUR VOICE? SOMETHING PERSONAL YOU WISH TO SHARE WITH MOMMY THAT DADDY WOULDN' UNDERSTAND.
OH, SHERIDAN, I THINK IT'S WONDERFUL THAT YOU STILL FEEL YOU CAN CONFIDE IN MOMMY.
MMM, THAT WE'RE STILL SUCH PALS.
NOW WHAT IS IT, DEAR? YOU NEED £70.
THIS GREAT CRY RANG OUT, AND MY FOO SLIPPED OFF THE PEDAL AND I LOST MY BALANCE.
WHEN SHE SHOUTS LIKE THAT, PEOPLE DO.
MRS.
BUCKET-- "BOUQUET" HAS AN EXTREMELY POWERFUL VOICE.
LOOK AT THE PRACTICE IT GETS.
( chuckles ) HOW DO YOU MANAGE? IT'S LIKE THE ARMY.
YOU JUST FOLLOW ORDERS.
EVERY MOVE IS WORKED OUT FOR YOU AND YOUR MEALS APPEAR ON TIME.
BUT THEY ONLY SIGN ON FOR 20 YEARS.
UNDERNEATH SHE'S REALLY QUITE KIND.
OH, YES.
( vicar mutters ) MORNING, ALL.
OH, HANG ON, EMMET.
I'M GOING YOUR WAY.
- FAST, I HOPE.
- DEFINITELY.
CHIN UP.
HEY, HANDSOME.
BREAKFAST TIME, O MIGHTY HUSBAND.
BREAKFAST TIME, O MAN OF MY LIFE.
WHAT'S ALL THIS IN AID OF? JUST A LITTLE THOUGHTFUL AC OF THE KIND WIVES DO FOR HUSBANDS.
I'M NOT DOING THE GARDEN.
I DID IT LAST YEAR.
YOU DID IT WHEN? ALL RIGHT, YEAR BEFORE LAST.
IT'S NOT THE GARDEN.
I THOUGHT WE MIGHT SPEND THE DAY TOGETHER, JUST THE TWO OF US.
FATHER'S GOING TO THE OVER-60s.
ROSE HAS AN APPOINTMEN WITH A GENTLEMAN FRIEND.
WE'VE GOT THE HOUSE TO OURSELVES.
YOU'RE RIGHT, I SHOULD DO THE GARDEN.
EAT YOUR BREAKFAST.
( silent ) GOOD MORNING.
HELLO.
IT LOOKS CLEAN TO ME.
IT DOES TO ME, NOW.
FALSE.
PLASTIC.
WHY DOES SHERIDAN NEED £70? AT THAT AGE, THEY ALWAYS NEED £70.
EVER SINCE I CAN REMEMBER, HE'S BEEN AT THAT AGE.
YES, IT'S TRUE.
HE MATURED VERY EARLY.
EVEN IN THE CUBS HE HAD MORE EQUIPMENT THAN THE S.
A.
S.
HOW IT BREAKS A MOMMY'S HEAR TO SEE HER SON GO OFF IN UNIFORM.
TO THE CUB SCOUTS? FOR TWO HOURS ON A WEDNESDAY? I DIDN'T SEE EMME THIS MORNING.
NO, HE LEFT EARLY.
POOR, SHY EMMET.
IT CAN'T BE EASY FOR HIM TO COMMUNICATE WITH SOMEONE HE SETS ON SUCH A HIGH PEDESTAL.
THEY'RE REHEARSING "THE BOYFRIEND.
" BUT YOU DIDN'T TELL ME.
HYACINTH, WE'VE BEEN MARRIED ALL THESE YEARS I'VE NEVER BEEN ABLE TO TELL YOU ANYTHING.
TWO COFFEES, PLEASE.
WE'LL HAVE COFFEE AT HOME.
COME ALONG, RICHARD.
VERY NICE, THANK YOU.
( burlesque music playing ) ( music stops ) WELL? ANY MORE BACON? POOR EMMET.
I'M SURE HE'D LOVE TO ASK ME TO BE IN "THE BOYFRIEND," BUT HE'S TOO SHY.
I'VE NOTICED BEFORE I HAVE THIS EFFECT ON HIM.
YOU MUST BE JEALOUS, RICHARD.
I'M SURE IT'S PURELY PLATONIC.
BUT ISN'T "THE BOYFRIEND" FULL OF YOUNG PEOPLE? - 1920s FLAPPERS.
- YES, IT IS.
WOULDN'T IT BE LOVELY? WON'T IT NEED SOMEONE YOUNGER? HMM? WELL, I CAN DO YOUNGER.
IT'S ALL TO DO WITH ACTING, MAKE-UP, WIGS AND THINGS.
YOU CAN'T HAVE FORGOTTEN MY FAIRY QUEEN IN THE CHURCH PANTOMIME.
I HAVEN'T FORGOTTEN, AND I DON'T THINK THAT I EVER WILL FORGET THAT.
- SHE'S OUT! - ( gasps ) LET ME BE THE FIRS TO CONGRATULATE YOU ON YOUR TIMING.
THAT IS POSSIBLY THE MOST BEAUTIFUL PHRASE "SHE'S OUT.
" IT RINGS LIKE MUSIC TO THE EARS.
THEY'VE GONE OU IN THE CAR.
WAS SHE SINGING ANYTHING? ESPECIALLY ANYTHING 1920s? SHE WAS GIVING RICHARD HIS INSTRUCTIONS AS USUAL.
- SHE WASN'T SINGING.
- ( laughs ) OH, SHE WILL BE, ONCE SHE LEARNS I'M REHEARSING "THE BOYFRIEND.
" SHE WON'T ONLY BE SINGING AT ME, SHE'LL BE SINGING 1920s AT ME.
OH, SHE CAN'T EXPEC A PART IN "THE BOYFRIEND.
" I MEAN, SHE'S TOO OLD.
EVEN HYACINTH WOULDN'T EX-- I COULD BE HAPPY ( scatting ) I'D BE CONTENTED-- COFFEE IN 10 MINUTES, ELIZABETH.
BRING EMMET, WON'T YOU? ( sighs ) WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE, OUR ROSE? I THOUGHT YOU WERE OUT FOR THE DAY.
I'VE NEVER BEEN SO INSULTED IN ALL MY LIFE.
IF THAT'S TRUE, IT MUST'VE BEEN A BIG DAY.
I WAS PLANNING ON A BIG DAY.
I WAS PLANNING ON HAVING ONSLOW TO MYSELF.
LUCKY YOU.
I'VE BEEN SETTING MY STALL OU TO IGNITE WHATEVER SPARK IS LEFT.
HOW YOU DOING? NOT VERY WELL.
WE'RE OUT OF BACON.
I'LL COME WITH YOU.
OH, MEN.
YOU CAN'T TRUST 'EM.
NOW WE ALL KNOW IT'S NOT MY STYLE TO BE DICTATORIAL.
I DON'T WANT TO OVERWHELM POOR EMMET.
THIS IS SOMETHING WE HAVE TO DO WITH TAC AND DISCRETION.
- WE HAVE TO DO? - MMM.
I'VE BEEN CONSCRIPTED.
IT IS LIKE THE ARMY.
NOW WHEN WE'RE HAVING COFFEE, I WANT YOU TO WALK IN HERE VERY CASUALLY AND SWITCH ON THE HI-FI.
( '20s swing music plays ) WE DON'T USUALLY HAVE MUSIC WHEN THEY COME FOR COFFEE.
IN FACT, USUALLY YOU HAVE COFFEE IN THE KITCHEN.
NORMALLY, YES, BU TODAY I SHALL BRING ELIZABETH AND EMMET IN HERE.
AND WE SHALL WALLOW IN THE SUPERIOR AMBIANCE OF MY "HOUSE BEAUTIFUL" LOOK-ALIKE LOUNGE.
I'LL FEEL AN IDIO JUST WALKING IN AND SWITCHING ON THE HI-FI.
IT'S ALL READY.
JUST REMEMBER, NOT TOO LOUD.
NOTHING EXCESSIVE.
YOU KNOW ME, I'M A GREAT BELIEVER IN UNDERSTATEMENT.
I THINK YOU SHOULD CHANGE, DEAR.
WHY SHOULD I CHANGE? OH, TRY TO CREATE A MORE 1920s ATMOSPHERE.
LET PEOPLE SEE IT'S SOMETHING WE'RE PERFECTLY AT HOME WITH.
HOW AM I GOING TO DO THAT? OH, A LITTLE TOUCH OF FRED ASTAIRE.
COME IN AS IF YOU'RE IN A GOOD MOOD, DO A LITTLE TWIRL AND A TAP.
IT-- IT'S NOT REALLY ME, HYACINTH.
DON'T BE OBSTRUCTIVE, RICHARD.
WE'RE TRYING TO HELP EMMET.
NO, LIZ.
TELL HER I'VE BECOME ALLERGIC TO COFFEE.
TELL HER I'VE JUST GONE DOWN WITH RIGOR MORTIS.
TELL HER I'VE GONE TO GREENLAND.
TEL HER I'VE-- AHHH.
NOW THAT'S A GOOD IDEA.
WHY DON'T I GO TO GREENLAND? GET THE PLACE WARM AND I'LL FOLLOW YOU.
OH NO, IT'S NO GOOD.
EVEN IF I GOT TO GREENLAND, I EXPECT THE FIRST ESKIMO I CAME ACROSS WOULD BE HOLDING CANDLELIGHT SUPPERS.
YOU MIGHT JUST AS WELL GET IT OVER.
COME AND HAVE A COFFEE AND MAKE IT PERFECTLY CLEAR TO HER THAT YOU HAVE ALREADY PICKED YOUR CAST, AND THEN SHE'LL LEAVE YOU IN PEACE.
SHE NEVER LEAVES ME IN PEACE.
I'M DESTINED TO GO THROUGH THE REST OF MY LIFE BEARING A HYACINTH.
SHE'S REALLY VERY FOND OF YOU.
I CAN'T THINK WHY.
I'M AS NASTY AS I CAN BE.
SHE THINKS YOU'RE ATTRACTED TO HER.
NOW SIT DOWN, RICHARD.
WE NEED TO TALK.
NOW OH, PERCOLATOR.
IF IT'S ABOUT SHERIDAN, HE'S GETTING NO MORE MONEY THIS MONTH.
IT'S NOT SHERIDAN, AND YOU NEEDN'T BE SO MEAN WITH THAT CHILD.
HE'S NOT A CHILD ANYMORE.
AT HIS AGE, ALEXANDER THE GREA WAS CONQUERING PERSIA.
I CERTAINLY DON'T WAN MY SHERIDAN CONQUERING PERSIA.
YOU KNOW HE MUSTN' GET OVEREXCITED.
THE WAY HE SPENDS, IT'S ME THAT GETS EXCITED.
SHOULDN'T THA BE "I," DEAR? OH, PROBABLY.
SO WHAT DID THOU WANT TO SPEAK TO I ABOUT? NOW DON' BE SILLY, DEAR.
I WANT TO PREPARE YOU FOR WHAT WILL HAPPEN IF EMMET OFFERS ME A PART IN "THE BOYFRIEND.
" OH, I SHOULDN'T SET TOO MANY HOPES ON THAT, HYACINTH.
IT'LL MEAN MANY HOURS WORKING WITH EMMET.
THERE'LL BE DAYS WHEN YOU HAVE TO GE YOUR OWN SUPPER.
AND THERE IS SOMETHING ELSE, DEAR-- I'VE NOTICED I HAVE A VERY POWERFUL EFFECT ON EMMET.
BUT YOU KNOW YOU CAN TRUST ME.
AND I DON'T WAN YOU TO BE JEALOUS.
I THINK I MIGHT BE ABLE TO MANAGE THAT, HYACINTH.
DIDN'T YOU KNOW HE WAS MARRIED? WELL, YES, BUT I DIDN'T KNOW IT WAS SERIOUS.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING OUT? ASK YOUR FATHER.
I THOUGHT HE'D GONE TO THE OVER-60s? HE CAME BACK AGAIN, DIDN'T HE? THAT'S NO REASON FOR YOU TO GO OUT.
THAT'S WHAT I TOLD HIM.
BUT HE SAID IT'S A RESTRICTED MILITARY AREA, AND ALL CIVILIANS HAVE TO LEAVE.
OH, HE'S OFF AGAIN.
NICE.
DRIVEN OU OF YOUR OWN HOUSE AT BAYONET POINT.
WHERE DID HE GE A BAYONET? I DON'T KNOW WHERE HE GOT IT FROM.
BUT I COULD SEE WHERE HE THOUGHT IT WAS GOING.
ROSE DID YOU FORGE TO GIVE HIM HIS PILLS? OH, I THOUGHT YOU WERE GIVING HIM THEM.
AND SO A BLOKE GETS NO PEACE IN HIS OWN HOUSE.
IF IT'S NO HIS WIFE GOING BROODY IT'S HER CRAZY FATHER.
WELL, I WANT HIM OU BEFORE THE RACING STARTS ON THE TELLY.
OH, HE'S NOT CRAZY.
HE'S JUST A BIT SENILE.
A BIT?! HE THINKS I'M A GERMAN PARATROOPER! I BET YOU'D LOOK GORGEOUS IN THE UNIFORM.
OH, COME ALONG, EMMET.
LET'S GET I OVER WITH.
RING THE BELL.
( Hyacinth singing ) IT'S NEVER TOO LATE - I CAN'T DO IT! - YES, YOU CAN! YOU WEREN' REALLY SERIOUS WHEN YOU SAID SHE THINKS I'M ATTRACTED TO HER? SHE'S NOTICED SHE HAS A POWERFUL EFFECT ON YOU.
YOU CAN SAY THAT AGAIN.
AND SHE THINKS IT'S BECAUSE YOU FIND HER ATTRACTIVE.
I THINK I WAN TO DIE.
RING THE BELL.
( doorbell rings musically ) ELIZABETH! EMMET! ( laughs ) POOR EMMET.
I DO FLUSTER HIM SO.
COME IN.
COME IN.
COME IN, COME IN, COME IN.
OH, IT'S NEVER TOO LATE RICHARD WILL BE WITH US IN A FLASH.
- ( phone ringing ) - OH, I EXPECT THAT'S SOMEONE IMPORTANT.
- ( ringing continuing ) - NO, NO, NO, NO! WE'RE IN THE LOUNGE TODAY.
I'LL BE WITH YOU IN A MOMENT.
"BOUQUET" RESIDENCE, THE LADY OF THE HOUSE SPEAKING.
IT'S MY SISTER DAISY.
SHE'S NOT THE ONE WITH THE MERCEDES, SAUNA AND ROOM FOR A PONY.
WHY ARE YOU CALLING FROM A TELEPHONE BOX, DAISY? MMM.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN, YOU CAN'T GET IN? HAVE YOU LOST YOUR KEYS? WELL, WHY WON'T DADDY LET ANYONE IN? HE'S HAD ORDERS TO DEFEND THE HOUSE TO THE LAST MAN? WHAT A WONDERFUL SENSE OF DUTY DADDY HAS.
YES.
NO, I CANNO COME OVER, DEAR.
WE HAVE GUESTS.
JUST HOLD ON A MINUTE, WILL YOU, DAISY? I'M SO SORRY ABOUT THIS.
SISTER TALK.
OH, SISTERS, SISTERS THERE WERE NEVER SUCH DEVOTED SISTERS MUSIC, RICHARD.
MUSIC, DEAR.
AND POUR THE COFFEE OUT.
OOH! SISTERS, SISTERS THERE WERE NEVER SUCH DEVOTED SISTERS.
NOW WHERE WERE WE, DAISY? YOU'VE HAD TO PU ANOTHER 20p IN.
OH, I'M SORRY ABOUT THAT.
YES.
NO, I WILL NOT ALLOW ONSLOW TO COME OVER HERE AND WATCH RACING ON MY TELEVISION.
- ( swing music playing ) - ( humming ) NOW I KNOW YOU HAVE A PROBLEM WITH DADDY, DEAR.
WHAT? HE HAS A BAYONET? IS IT A REAL ONE OR A TOY ONE? IS IT SHARP? ALL RIGHT.
ALL RIGHT, DAISY.
NOW GO BACK HOME AND WE'LL BE OVER STRAIGHTAWAY.
OHHH.
( singing ) I KNOW YOU'LL BE DISAPPOINTED, BUT SOMETHING'S JUST COME UP.
PUT THAT DREADFUL MUSIC OFF, RICHARD.
COME ALONG.
WE'LL HAVE COFFEE ON MY RETURN.
I HOPE IT'S NOTHING SERIOUS, HYACINTH.
NO, NO, NO.
IT'S JUST THAT DADDY'S LOCKED HIMSELF IN AGAIN AND THIS TIME HE MAY CUT HIMSELF.
OFF YOU GO.
I'LL CATCH YOU LATER.
- LOCKED HIMSELF IN? - WITH A RIFLE AND A BAYONET.
HE'S DEFENDING THE HOUSE TO THE LAST MAN.
SHOULD WE CALL FOR HELP? I CANNOT ALLOW DADDY TO BE MANHANDLED BY STRANGERS.
NO, RICHARD, YOU WILL HAVE TO FETCH HIM.
- WHAT, ME? - YES, YOU.
- IS HE VIOLENT? - YES, OF COURSE, HE'S VIOLENT.
HE'S DEFENDING THE HOUSE TO THE LAST MAN.
OHHH.
NOW, WHAT SHALL I WEAR? Rose: I CAN'T SEE HIM.
PERHAPS HE'S FORGOTTEN ALL ABOUT I AND GONE BACK TO BED.
SOMEBODY'D BETTER GO IN AND CHECK.
HOW ABOUT YOU? HE'S YOUR FATHER.
ANYWAY, I CAN'T GO.
HE THINKS I'M A NAZI PARATROOPER.
I'LL GO.
OH, NICE.
AND THEN SOON BE OFF AT WINCANTON.
TELL HIM THE WAR'S OVER.
HE WON'T BELIEVE ME.
HE'LL THINK I'M A SPY.
IS THAT BAYONE VERY SHARP? I DIDN'T FANCY WAITING TO FIND OUT.
IT'S BEEN A FUNNY DAY.
I WAS HOPING FOR A QUIET DAY-- JUST THE TWO OF US.
I'M STILL WAITING FOR THAT BACON.
SOME PEOPLE HAVE FOREPLAY.
I HAVE TO GRILL BACON.
Hyacinth: I EXPECT THEY'VE FORGOTTEN DADDY'S MEDICATION.
DADDY SHOULD BE IN A HOME WHICH IS ORGANIZED.
I'D HAVE AT HOME WITH US IN A FLASH IF I WASN'T REHEARSING "THE BOYFRIEND.
" MIND THAT OLD LADY.
WHERE WAS THE OLD LADY? GOING INTO THAT SHOP.
YOU THINK THAT I WAS GOING TO RAM RAID THE SHOP? HE'S NODDING OFF.
BLESS HIM.
HE MUST BE TIRED.
WHY SHOULD HE BE TIRED? IT'S A BIG RESPONSIBILITY, FIGHTING A WAR ALL ON YOUR OWN.
OHH! OH, DADDY.
ONCE HE'S BETTER WE'LL HAVE HIM OVER.
ONE AFTERNOON.
FOR TEA AND LIGH REFRESHMENTS.
IN THE GARDEN.
THE BACK GARDEN, OF COURSE.
Hyacinth: OH, GOOD HEAVENS.
THEY'VE BEEN SELLING TICKETS.
NO WONDER DADDY THINKS THERE'S STILL A WAR ON.
IS IT SAFE TO GET OUT, DO YOU THINK? I DON'T THINK YOUR FATHER'S GOING TO HURT YOU.
I'M NOT AFRAID OF DADDY.
IT'S THE NEIGHBORS ROUND HERE.
WHAT ARE YOU WORRIED ABOUT? I FEEL LIKE MARIE ANTOINETTE.
HELLO, HYACINTH.
HELLO, RICHARD.
- HELLO, DAISY.
- GOOD MORNING, DAISY.
IT LOOKS AS IF DADDY'S CAUSING QUITE A LO OF INTEREST.
YES, HE IS.
COME ON.
OH, BY THE WAY, THIS IS BERT AND MARTHA.
THIS IS MY SISTER HYACINTH.
- HOW DO YOU DO? - AND THIS IS CHARLIE.
- OH.
- HE WORKS DOWN THE DRAINS, AND PART-TIME IN THE SANDWICH SHOP.
AND THIS IS BERYL AND WILLIE.
THEY'RE OLD FRIENDS OF OURS.
WELL, NOT THAT OLD.
( laughing ) OH, AND I MUSTN' FORGET ETHEL.
SHE WAS MISS SOUTHPOR IN 1948.
REALLY? FASCINATING.
HE'S STARTED TO DOZE OFF AGAIN.
THIS WOULD BE A GOOD TIME THEN.
IT DOESN'T TAKE MUCH TO WAKE HIM.
WHICH IS MORE THAN COULD BE SAID FOR SOME PEOPLE.
NOW.
RIGHT.
OPERATION DADDY.
( dog barking ) DADDY! POOR DADDY.
HE'S SLEEPING NOW.
SIT DOWN, HYACINTH.
THIS ONE'S YOURS.
NO SUGAR, RIGHT? THANK YOU.
NO SUGAR, THAT'S RIGHT.
I'VE BEEN WANTING TO TALK TO YOU.
NOW YOU KNOW I WOULD HAVE DADDY WITH US, BUT HE BRINGS SHERIDAN OUT IN A RASH.
IT'S NOT ABOUT DADDY.
I'VE BEEN WANTING TO TALK TO YOU PRIVATELY.
- IT'S ABOUT ONSLOW.
- I WARNED YOU, DAISY, NOT TO MARRY HIM.
I LIKE BEING MARRIED TO HIM.
I THINK YOU'RE SO BRAVE, DEAR.
IT'S JUST THAT WE DON'T SEEM TO BE YOU KNOW AS CLOSE AS WE USED TO BE.
I WAS WONDERING IF YOU AND RICHARD WERE STILL, YOU KNOW AS CLOSE AS YOU USED TO BE.
OH, YES, OF COURSE.
ABSOLUTELY.
I THINK RICHARD AND I ARE THE PERFECT PAIR.
I CAN'T THINK OF A COUPLE I ADMIRE MORE.
I THINK THAT'S NICE.
HOW DO YOU KEEP HIS ATTENTION? OH, JUST RAISE YOUR VOICE, DEAR.
I'VE BEEN MEANING TO ASK YOU, DICKIE-- YOU AND HYACINTH SLEEP IN THE SAME BEDROOM, DON'T YOU? YES, WHY? - AND SHARE A DOUBLE BED? - YEAH.
YOU'VE GOT SOME NERVE.
I ADMIRE THAT.
I REALLY DO ADMIRE THAT.
JUST BETWEEN YOU AND ME, HOW DO YOU HANDLE THINGS WHEN SHE GETS A BIT YOU KNOW, FRIENDLY? FRIENDLY? HYACINTH RUNS A VERY CLEAN ESTABLISHMENT, BUT I WOULDN' CALL IT FRIENDLY.
WHAT WOULD YOU DO IF IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGH YOU SUDDENLY FEL A FRIENDLY ARM AROUND YOU? I'D GET STRAIGHT UP.
I'D KNOW I WAS IN THE WRONG BED.
AND YOU MEAN YOU STILL FIND ONSLOW DESIRABLE? I ALWAYS THINK HE'S LIKE MARLON BRANDO IN "STREETCAR NAMED DESIRE.
" CONTROL YOURSELF, DAISY.
YOU'RE A MARRIED WOMAN.
MARRIAGE IS A FINE INSTITUTION DESIGNED TO ERADICATE FEELINGS LIKE THAT.
YOU KNOW WHA YOUR TROUBLE IS? - MMM? - YOU'VE NOTHING TO POLISH.
YOU'VE NO ROYAL DOULTON.
I KNOW.
WHAT ABOUT FLOWER ARRANGING? I DON'T THINK THAT WOULD BE QUITE THE SAME THING.
- WHAT'S WRONG WITH DAISY? - SHE THINKS ONSLOW'S GROWING MORE AND MORE ATTRACTIVE.
I THINK THAT'S RATHER NICE, REALLY.
HMM.
MIND THE BUS.
I THINK YOU LOST INTEREST IN ME ONCE YOU HAD SHERIDAN.
OH, DON'T BE SILLY, DEAR.
HOW CAN YOU SAY THAT? WHO WAS IT STUCK BY YOU WHEN YOU WANTED TO JOIN THE HISTORY BOOK CLUB? I ALWAYS MADE SURE YOU HAD PLENTY TO READ.
BUT YOU DON'T THINK I'M GROWING MORE AND MORE ATTRACTIVE, DO YOU? ( laughing ) GOOD HEAVENS, NO.
( laughing continues ) ( theme music plays )