Little Mosque on the Prairie (2007) s05e07 Episode Script

Salaam alaikum.
Walaikum assalaam.
What are you laughing at? Oh, "Garfield".
And sure it's funny, but I'm worried about his blood pressure.
This lasagne is bigger than he is.
Are you okay? I am so tired.
- These house calls are really adding up.
- Oh.
What now? Let me guess, "Family Circus"? You should see what Billy is up to.
He's a good kid, though I think he might have ADD.
You are tired.
But it's sweet you care.
Hey, a mattress sale! Oh You know what? Maybe we shouldn't say "mattress" around here.
Why, are you shy? No, of course I'm not shy.
A new bed is a big step towards our new life together.
I agree.
A new life deserves a new bed.
- You do? - Yeah.
Then why didn't you want to talk about it? Well, it's just that you say mattress around here and some people Mattress! Have you no shame? This is a family restaurant! That's the problem.
Fatima, there's nothing wrong with two adults buying a bed to start their life together.
Then there is nothing wrong with me going with you.
We do need a chaperone.
I will not take no for an answer.
That actually might work out.
I am going and that is final.
How's 11:00 o'clock for you? Pfft! You think I have nothing better to do? I'll get my bag.
Season 5 Episode 7 Brother Can You Spare a Mosque? Nate, where have you been? Sorry.
Everyone wants to be voted this year's local hero.
Mrs.
Hobbs is sponsoring a senior's car wash.
Washing old people's cars? I wish.
Oh, you mean Yeah, soapy old people in cut-offs.
- Oh - I can't un-see that.
Some people will do anything to get attention.
Yeah, you want me to set up over there? Yeah, make sure you get my left side, feature the banner, and I need page three or better.
Nobody reads page four.
But my barnyard jumbles You're supposed to hide words in there.
You just use random letters.
It's it's very frustrating! Yeah.
Amaar: Hey, Sarah.
Look at this! Looks like your bake sale is drawing people from far and wide.
I know.
This year's local hero has got to be me.
I still can't believe that old man Hayes beat me last year.
He donated a kidney.
Well, he's only got one left, so he can't pull that move again.
People will have to vote for me.
Sarah, this contest isn't the only reason for the charity bake sale, is it? No-o! Just the main one.
Charity is the pathway to piety.
I love charity and I love contests.
So, it's win-win.
Well, as long as the charity comes first.
Of course! Okay, well, in that case, I will have a cupcake.
Wonderful.
Nate, photo op! Sarah I've got to admit, I'm kind of excited.
Oh, and I see you feel the same.
I'm sorry, I'm just so tired.
But also excited.
It's our first joint purchase.
And it's a bed.
Where we'll be sleeping.
Together.
Presumably.
How long do I have sit here listening to this filth? Uh, we're just talking about a piece of furniture.
Less talking, more shopping.
This is going to be fun.
Not if I do my job.
Now, no thinking about the long, hot summer nights you will spending together on that bed.
You are thinking about it now, aren't you? Huh! My chaperoning is rusty.
Thank you.
Thank you very much.
Hey, lady, you got a permit for this event? I don't need a permit.
I know, but you wouldn't believe how many bribes I get when I say that.
- Cupcake me.
- Toonie me.
You can't be serious.
I've got to raise as much money as I can! How else can I win this local hero thing? Well, good luck.
I hear old Mr.
Hayes is harvesting his bone marrow.
Damn it! How much of that guy is left? He's surprisingly fit for 80.
Oh, hey.
You see anything you like? Well, it all looks so good.
Everything's two bucks.
Yeah, uh, I'm just a little short.
How short? Two bucks.
What? Okay, I ate a cupcake, but in my defence, they're delicious.
And the sign says charity.
No, no, no, I'm raising money for charity.
Right.
Yeah, that makes way more sense than this.
Four bucks.
Mmm! Stop it, stop it! You have to pay for those.
Of course.
I think you'd better leave.
No, let me make it up to you.
Will you take an out-of-province post-dated check? And I'll even pay you for the banana bread.
When did you eat that? - Anne: Shoo! - Okay.
Shoo! Shoo! Shoo! Good thing we ran him off.
If we start feeding drifters we'll end up like Odayna! They've got three.
He's a drifter? Yeah, see how he kind of drifts when he walks.
Drifter.
Poor guy.
I hope he's okay.
Ann: Yeah.
Me too.
I just hope he's okay somewhere else.
What are you eating? Nothing.
Rayyan: There's so many.
This one looks nice.
No, it's not big enough.
You need extra space for when you go to bed angry.
How about this one? It looks good.
Sure, this bed's okay, if you need a place to throw your guest's coats.
Excuse me? Let me ask you this.
How often do you sleep? Every night.
You look like every-nighters.
This bag of springs won't cut it.
Let me show you the Napmaster 5000.
I know what you're thinking.
Napmaster? Weren't those recalled? I wasn't thinking that.
Those were the 4000s.
I won't lie to you, they were death traps.
That's horrible.
The 5000s will take you straight to slumbertown.
But not forever.
Again, those were the 4000s.
What other brands do you have? We would like to see that one.
Excellent choice.
I hear the 5000s are getting recalled.
Ah, ah, ah! Right.
Uh, I can explain.
We're You learn not to judge in the mattress game.
Oh yeah, this is comfortable.
You've got to try this.
Okay.
We need someone to lie with him.
Way ahead of you.
I don't think so.
Please, man, I have kids.
I need this commission.
- Okay? - This is ridiculous.
People don't lie straight.
Get closer.
- Should we spoon? - And we're done! Yes, it's, uh, very firm.
Soft and fantastic.
Oh! There you are! I was looking for you.
Is this about the carrot cake? What carrot cake? Who said carrot cake? No, no, about the bake sale.
Uh, I know and I'm sorry.
But here you go.
Sorry it's all in change, but on the upside it makes a great weapon.
Do you have some place to stay? Pfft! Don't worry about me.
I mean, you know the old saying, home is where you lay your bag of change.
Which you now have.
Oh, man! Would you like to come with me? No thanks! You're a stranger and I don't want to wind up in a lake.
I have more cupcakes.
Let's do this.
Here, keep the change.
Oh! So, you've been on the street for months.
On the road.
I like to think that it's the perfect way to see this big country of ours.
Oh, what a positive way to look at it.
Look at what? Being homeless.
I wouldn't say homeless.
I mean, the whole country is my home.
Oh, you make it sound so romantic.
Thanks again for all the wonderful cupcakes.
Oh, my pleasure.
It feels good to help someone in need.
Almost heroic.
Would you excuse me for a second? Sure.
Hey, do you need any clean clothes? Yeah, that'd be great! There's a lost and found right out here.
So just help yourself to whatever you need.
Yeah, why don't I just look through the garbage? - Pardon? - Nothing.
- Pardon? - Nothing.
Thank you.
Okay.
I got to tell you, memory foam is the way to go I don't like memory foam.
if you want a bad back.
Foam is the worst thing since pocket coils.
- I like pocket coils.
- You've got to go coils.
Why? Because you can drop a bowling ball on a mattress and not spill your drink? You don't bowl and you don't drink.
I think you're missing the point of the commercial.
What do you think, Rayyan? Aww, look at that.
Sleeping like a baby.
Get me a bowling ball.
No, just let her be for a minute.
She looks so beautiful and peaceful when she Snores.
Heh.
Honey? Sweetie? Hello, Nate? I have got a great story for you.
Local hero helps down-on-his-luck drifter! No, it's not old man Hayes, it's me! Just get down here! Welcome, brother! Are you a travelling Muslim? No.
Oh, so you are a new convert.
Not exactly.
So you are just interested in our beautiful faith? I wouldn't say that.
I see.
So you are a no good sock-stealing drifter! Get out! Aren't churches supposed to provide sanctuary? Yes, they are.
But luckily, this is not a church! The church is that way! Shoo! Oh, hey, Father.
Oh, I'm so sorry.
Did I wake you? Uh, it's not a problem.
Can I get you a pillow? Maybe some some blankets? Yeah, that would be cozy.
Yeah, perhaps I could make some some soothing ocean sounds.
Oh, can you do can you do whale songs? Of course.
Would you like a wake up call? That would be great.
Wake up! Ah-h-h! This is a church, not a hotel! My God! Hey, Baber, have you seen a down-on-his-luck young man? No.
Not since I kicked him out.
You kicked him out? Not very effectively.
Here he comes now.
Come on.
Reverend, what are you doing? Giving this ragamuffin the bum's rush.
Ragamuffin? What, did I wake up in the 1920s? You can't do that! Back in Toronto I got pretty good at dealing with riff-raff.
Riff-raff? What, is he going to telegraph the local flatfoot, have me thrown me in the hoosegow? Just leave him alone.
Phil, are you okay? I've been better.
You two should be ashamed! You call yourselves religious men yet I'm the only one helping him purely out of the goodness of my heart.
Hey, Sarah.
Is that the, uh, homeless guy you want a picture with to win the contest? Oh-h, that couldn't be worse timing.
Wait! You only want to help this homeless man to get enough votes to become the local hero.
Well, I'm not exactly homeless.
Sarah Hamoudi, I'm very disappointed in you.
It's not how it looks.
You don't even care about this poor, down-on-his-luck child of God.
- Come here, Bill.
- It's Phil.
Whatever.
I want to show you some real Christian charity.
Far away from these people.
"These people"? When I win the local hero contest, everyone will see that Muslims are much more charitable than Christians.
Come with me, Jill.
It's still Phil.
Ah, whatever.
Leave my needy person alone! He's Anglican charity! He is Muslim redemption! Nate, quickly, take a photo.
Give me a smile there, Gil.
Sarah: No, no! - It's Phil! - Phil: Oh-h! I wish I had a bag of change! Well, that was a disaster.
We went bed shopping with Fatima.
- What did we expect? - Hmmph.
Although, that last one was pretty comfortable.
I could tell.
The whole store could tell.
What's that supposed to mean? That maybe you need two beds.
Why would we need two beds? You have not told her.
Told me what? Amaar? Look, Siestafest looks very nice.
And it comes with free maracas! Very restful.
Amaar.
Look, it's just that you, um kind of fell asleep.
And? And in the sweetest, cutest, most adorable way you kind of snored.
I don't snore! Yes, you do! It's like an old tractor starting up.
I've never snored.
Rayyan, it's no big deal.
No big deal? It's not a human noise.
It's the sound you hear before a lamb goes missing.
I don't snore! I'll talk to you later.
Why would you bring that up? Have you no feelings? I mean, I'm the one who took him in and fed him but Thorne and Baber get all the credit.
I mean, how fair is that? - It isn't.
But is it important? - Yes.
- To whom? - Me.
Why? Because I want to win the contest.
Isn't it most important that Phil gets the help he needs? Well, when you put it like that it almost makes me look selfish.
Just consider your intentions.
I know, I know, I should focus on who I'm doing it for.
Thank you.
And if I happen to win a contest, that's okay too.
Thanks, Amaar.
You've been a really big help.
Got to run.
Mrs.
Wispinski: Well, thank you so much for coming.
No problem at all.
So, what's the emergency? Snoring.
What? I do not snore! And even if I did, how could you possibly hear me? I live halfway across town.
No, I mean Alvin.
He snores like a walrus.
Darling, for the last time, I do not snore.
Yes, you do.
Of course, I do.
And it's a real problem.
But only since we got this terrible new mattress.
Which I picked out.
And I love it.
But it's just it's a bit too firm.
It's perfect.
It really is.
Wait, so you bought a new mattress? My wife's idea.
My wife's brilliant idea.
- My wife's terrific - Stop it.
Of course! The mattress was too firm.
That's the problem.
Really? Get a different mattress and you'll never snore again.
Ah, what a relief.
That thing's a brick.
I haven't had a decent night's sleep since we bought it.
We are not getting a new mattress.
Of course not.
Do you know how much that thing cost? Isn't it a small price to pay for the comfort of a loved one? Thank you For nothing.
Well, what choice do we have? You could sleep on the couch.
Could I do that? Enjoy some delicious soup.
Courtesy of Baber Siddiqui.
Wow, thanks.
And I bought you this brand new sweater.
Oh, it's blue and old and clearly for a child.
I see beggars can be choosers.
Beggars? Okay, so everybody thinks I'm homeless.
Of course.
Look at you.
And that's the only reason you're being nice to me.
You got it.
Now I will be local hero.
More soup? You know what? The soup's great and all, but, uh, wouldn't a real local hero buy me a steak? - He is right.
- One steak coming up.
Oh, a-a-and a baked potato.
All the fixings.
And a couple of sandwiches.
And a strawberry milkshake.
And that coconut pie looks good.
And one of whatever that is.
And a root beer.
Are you sure you want all of that? You're right, I've had a lot of cupcakes today.
Make it a diet root beer.
To go.
There.
I am sure to win.
I have fed you and I have clothed you.
Well, I mean, if you call this sweater clothing me I mean, now, that vest, that's good clothing.
What is wrong with that sweater? It is a wonderful sweater! Then why don't we trade? What? This is a terrible sweater! It is clearly for a child! I I can probably find another local hero somewhere else.
No, no, no, no! Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
Allah does say give from that which we love.
I will go change.
Phil, my good man! How are things? Oh, well, the old-timey preacher.
What's the rumpus, Rev? You kidder.
Look, I'm here to help you.
Out of the goodness of your heart? Of course! Now, how would you like to come with me? How would you like to buy me an iPod? So, it's going to be like that, is it? - It is.
- Hmm.
Part of me respects that.
Now, come on.
Oh! Allow me.
Oh, and give the bill to the local hero.
Look, we don't have to do this.
No, we do.
This snoring thing is a mystery.
We have to return to the scene of the crime.
Come on, you've got to sleep sometime.
- Hello again.
- Wow, a customer came back.
I'm on a roll! Are you looking for a bed too? Nah, I bought a Napmaster 4000 from you guys last year.
Wow.
Look at the time.
I have to go.
See! This bed is too firm.
That's why I snored that one time.
Look, I don't care.
Yeah, I'll prove it.
I just need to find a softer bed.
Yup, okay.
Now I just need to fall asleep.
Easy.
Oh no, I'm snoring.
No wait.
I'm awake.
Joe, you're snoring! No, I'm not.
I don't snore.
Yes, you do.
You just don't realize it because you're asleep.
Oh, no.
I snore, don't I? It's more of a snore-ette.
- Darn it.
- Look, it's no big deal.
No, it is to me.
There are a million things in between "I do" and you finding out I snore.
I just wanted you to see the good stuff before you started seeing the bad.
This is so unfair.
Joe! You! What have you done with my homeless man? I thought he was with you! If I don't have him and you don't have him, then that must mean No.
I have nothing.
He went with Thorne.
Thorne.
I knew it.
No you didn't, she just told you.
I will not let that Anglican make me look like a fool! What are you wearing? Zipper's stuck.
Rev.
Thorne: Brothers and sisters, today we celebrate the return of a lamb to our flock.
Yes uh, could you Yes, and I will do all in my power to make sure that this lost soul is cared for.
Because that's what Christians do.
Uh, that's also what local heroes do, by the way.
Uh, anyway, The Good Book says, "Ask, and it shall be given you; seek and ye shall find.
" The Good Book also says, "Thou shalt not covet thy neighbour's lamb.
" "Thou shalt not steal" is another good one that someone of any faith should adhere to.
"And I will execute vengeance in anger and fury upon the heathen, such that he hath not heard" Damnation! Anyway, peace be with you etcetera, etcetera.
Amen.
So here's the thing.
I leave the cap off the toothpaste.
What? It gets all gross and crusty and I know it's going to drive you crazy.
Why are you telling me this? Because now you know something about me.
Something un-glamorous and ordinary.
And lazy.
Something I didn't want you to know until after we were married.
Does it make you want to marry me any less? No, of course not.
Well, then let's go pick a mattress and get started with the rest of our lives.
Sounds good.
You're just kidding about the toothpaste thing, right? Because that would be gross.
I don't understand.
Why did you come with me? I don't have iPods and watches.
I just had cupcakes.
Well, they were just using me.
I mean, you're the only one who really cared about me as a person.
Yeah, about that.
I mean, you would never use someone just to win some meaningless contest.
Of course not.
That would be terrible.
Yeah, terrible.
I'm sorry, I was using you.
I know.
But you know, unlike them, I get the feeling you would have helped me anyways.
Well And you knew my name.
And I have a confession too.
You didn't like my cupcakes? No, no, no, I love them! I- I-I'm not actually homeless.
What? Well, everyone just assumed! I'm just backpacking across the country and I ran out of money here and I didn't want to use my dad's credit card.
So, what about Baber and Thorne? Oh, yeah, I was just messing with them.
I mean, I figured they needed to learn a lesson.
So, you're going to give the iPod back.
Oh, no.
Oh Hey, kid! Today's your lucky day.
Thanks! Thank you, Sarah Hamoudi.
And if it makes any difference, you're my local hero.
Thanks.
Well, I'm a local hero! If you're not going to eat the cupcakes, I thought maybe - Thank you.
- Okay.
Happy? We are the proud owners of a soft, pillowy mattress.
Hopefully, you'll never have to complain about me snoring again.
Oh, Rayyan, you know I've never complained about you snoring before.
This should do it.
And you'll never hear me complain again.
Wow.
You're marrying that? Happily.