Mom s05e07 Episode Script

1 - Mmm, somebody smells nice.
- Ah.
I pretended to buy makeup so I could swipe perfume samples at Macy's.
(chuckles) Looks like the forecast is cloudy with a chance of doing it.
Can you guys go somewhere else to talk about Christy banging my brother? No one's banging anyone.
We decided to get to know each other first.
I'm sorry, but having sex is how you get to know each other.
If I could carry the TV into the kitchen, I would.
All I'm saying is there's a real danger in waiting, Christy.
You could develop serious feelings for Patrick and then find out he's got a crooked unit.
- Well, that wouldn't matter to me.
- Ugh.
All right.
It's already too late.
Help us out here, Adam.
You guys grew up together.
Bathing, skinny-dipping Is there anything exotic or unorthodox in the swimsuit area? If death took me right now, I would not hate it.
So, where are we going? Well, Christy, as you may have gleaned, I am something of a planner.
So I made two dinner reservations at equally fine restaurants, and you get to pick.
Wow.
You made reservations, you're not married, you're not wearing cargo shorts.
I'm getting a little dizzy.
(chuckles) Well, before you pass out, here are your choices.
Steak house known for their prime rib, seafood place known for their lobster.
Steak house.
Lobster freaks me out.
It's a giant sea bug and I'm not having it.
Right? Sometimes they make you pick out your own.
I don't want to decide which one dies.
- Who made me lobster god? - (laughs) Ugh.
Speaking of giant sea bugs, it's my mom.
Watch.
This is my most favorite thing in the world.
Ignore.
(chuckles) Really? Most favorite? Mine's water slides.
(chuckles) Oh, for God's sake, Mom.
Sorry, I better take this.
I'm on a date, which you know.
Why are you calling? Oh, okay.
I'll be right there.
I'm sorry.
I'm gonna need a rain check.
My friend Marjorie's husband had a stroke.
He just collapsed right there in the hall.
Well, you got him to the hospital right away.
That's always the most important thing.
Yes.
That's the important thing.
That and life insurance.
- Mom.
- He can't get coverage now.
A word.
We'll be right back.
What is wrong with you? What? That's a legitimate question.
Have you priced a casket lately? Have you? Yeah, when you had that cough that wouldn't go away.
Okay, from now on, if you have the urge to say something, don't.
So I'm just supposed to sit there? No.
Try to be helpful.
- Offer her a cup of tea or something.
- Ugh.
I'll try, but I know a thing or two about freezing a dead guy's head, so if there's a lull, I might bring it up.
- Wendy, how is he? - He's out of surgery and stable.
Oh, thank God.
Oh, that's great news.
Stable is good.
Can I see him? In a few hours when we move him to ICU.
Oh, so I guess what Victor's saying is, "I-C-U in a few hours.
" Would you like some tea? Mmm, pass me the popcorn.
(sportscaster speaking indistinctly over television) You ate it all.
Why would you hand me an empty bowl? 'Cause I wanted you to know that I ate it all.
(sighs) Well, to that I say, why are you hitting yourself, - why are you hitting yourself, huh? - Ow.
Quit it! What a So, what are we supposed to do? Stay up all night? What's the plan? - Plan? - Yeah.
(chuckles) Dude, you're in Plunkettville.
- There are no plans.
- What does that mean? This is how it works when you date an aggressively sober woman.
They have a lot of friends with a lot of problems and they show up for everything together.
When there's a crisis, they shine the AA signal on a cloud.
And then they're gone for hours.
So they're like superheroes with a weakness for gin? Pretty much.
AA is kind of Bonnie and Christy's whole life, but I found a way to work around it.
I got Bonnie to do her meetings on Monday night, Thursday night and Sunday night.
Wow.
Wow.
You-you found a way to watch prime-time football and make it look like a favor.
I told my buddies at the sports bar.
They're thinking of building me a shrine.
You deserve one.
Yeah, and I always have a designated driver, but I'm not supposed to be too happy about it or it's a red flag.
(phone chimes) Ah, Bonnie.
She says that Victor's stable, but that they're gonna spend the night in the hospital with Marjorie.
Oh, well, maybe I should go over there and bring Christy a change of clothes.
Oh, no, no, no.
No way.
Well, why not? Because if you bring Christy something, I got to bring Bonnie something or I look like a tool.
You are a tool.
Ooh, sneak attack.
Oh! Oh! Oh-ho! JILL: Hey, how's Victor doing? I thought you were on a silent retreat.
I am.
But I'm worried about Marjorie and I'm dying to talk.
(sighs) My thoughts have been all bottled up in my head and it's making me Jill? Shh.
Sorry.
Shaman Gary came into the Zen garden.
He is such a narc.
Victor is stable.
That's all we know.
Oh, thank God.
Is that a vending machine behind you? Do they have Funyuns? Last night I dreamt about Funyuns.
(laughs) Except they were six feet tall and kissing me.
I'm telling you, nothing's getting satisfied here.
Uh-oh, Gary's back.
I got to hide you in my bra.
Is it just me or does it look like she hasn't lost a pound? If anything, her face looks rounder.
(chuckles) Hey, I'm still here.
Hey, Marjorie, what'd they say? They told me to hope for the best and prepare for the worst.
Might not be able to walk or talk.
Oh, my God.
Well whatever happens, you won't face it alone.
You have friends you can count on.
Thanks, Christy.
I'll be happy to help, too.
I'm actually quite good at taking care of sick people.
Since when? I thought I could just say it and you'd believe me.
Sometimes it works 'cause I'm tall.
- Hey.
- Hi.
- Patrick.
- What are you doing here? Oh, he wanted to bring Christy some clothes and I didn't want to show up empty-handed, so here's that sudoku you've been working on for the last year.
Really sorry to hear about your husband.
Thank you.
This is Adam's brother, Patrick.
Hi.
I wish we were meeting under better circumstances.
Thanks.
And I'm sorry I ruined your evening.
Ah.
You know, why don't you two go down to the cafeteria and grab a bite to eat? - You sure? - I'm sure.
Okay.
If you made reservations at the cafeteria, I'm gonna be so impressed.
I called.
They don't take 'em.
- Couldn't have grabbed a pencil? - It's never enough, is it? I bet that fancy steak house didn't serve egg salad with an ice cream scoop.
Well, I think it'll pair nicely with your Mr.
Pibb.
Hospital sushi.
I see you have a taste for adventure.
(laughs) And our five minutes of peace are over.
Don't mind me.
I'm not here to spy.
I just had to get Marjorie another tea.
Oh, God, what did you say? I just asked hypothetically if Victor died, did she think she would die very quickly afterward? - Seriously? - Drop the eyebrow, Missy.
It's a thing, like penguins.
Anyway, you kids have fun.
Thank you for being so understanding - through all of this.
- No problem.
Okay.
Something really sexy is about to happen right now.
Oh, that, uh, salmon roll tasted like a penny.
Hmm.
Would you like some room-temperature egg salad? No, thanks.
I'm really just here for the company.
Aw.
So can we go to a real dinner tomorrow night? Well, I'd love to, but I actually have to get back home tomorrow.
Oh.
Well, I you know, I-I knew that eventually you would have to get back, but I'm gonna miss you.
I'm gonna miss you, too, but it's not like I live in Australia.
That's true.
Santa Cruz is only a three-hour-and- 12-minute drive.
I might have Googled us door-to-door.
Yeah.
Did I give you my address? Look, a lot of Googling has gone on.
I Well, I'm in no position to judge.
I've Googled you, too.
By the way, nice mug shot.
Was my hair in a ponytail or down? Uh, ponytail.
Ah.
Yeah, that's the good one.
(chuckles) So, uh do you think we should try the long-distance thing? I'm game.
But while I've got you here You do kind of taste like a penny.
There is literally no way out of here.
- - (doorbell rings) Ten minutes, and we're out of h Hey! Is this a good time? Sure.
Come on in.
We know you've got your hands full, so we brought you dinner.
And a card, from everyone at the Monday night meeting.
Pardon my "happy birthday.
" I didn't know what I was signing.
Thank you for this.
And for dinner I haven't been able to leave the house since Victor came home.
How's he doing? Sleeping now.
This is when I catch up on everything I can't do when I'm with him.
(sighs) So, how's it going with you ladies? I could really use something else to think about.
Well, I know we're supposed to keep it anonymous, but Rod Stewart came to our meeting.
It was not Rod Stewart.
It was a woman with a bad haircut and an English accent.
And you just described Rod Stewart.
Christy, how's it going with Patrick? (sighs): Oh, we've been texting the past couple weeks, but it's hard.
Well, one way or another, love is always hard.
Why are you pretending to be a pharmacist from the 1850s? Because he's still having trouble swallowing, so I have to crush up his meds and give them to him through the tube in his stomach.
(sighs) It's gonna get better.
I hope so.
You need to get out of here for a while.
(sighs) Yeah.
A meeting and a pedicure, stat.
Boy, that sounds so good.
I-I can't leave him.
You have to take care of yourself, too.
Yeah, it's like that whole thing on the airplane when you got to put your mask on first before you put it on the kid.
But you're supposed to put it on me eventually.
You made it to Orlando.
Let it go.
Okay, here's the plan: you take Marjorie out, I'll hold down the fort.
Oh, boy.
Maybe you're right, I could use a change of scenery.
Are you sure you can handle Victor? - Of course.
- Okay.
He's-he's gonna wake up soon.
These are the doctor's instructions.
Okay.
Okay.
Okay.
Okay.
You got this, Christy.
I can't believe you left me there all afternoon.
Hey.
My day wasn't exactly a picnic, either.
You're seriously trying to compare caring for a stroke victim to a Mani-pedi? Have you seen Marjorie's feet? I've never even seen her in open-toed shoes.
Well, there's a reason.
Yikes.
(sighs) This must be so hard for her.
One minute you're in love, you've got a partner, and the next you're caring for somebody who's completely helpless.
It's so sad.
She has one toenail that looks like the roof of a shed.
(groans) I just want to take a nice, hot Purell bath and look at those otters holding hands on YouTube.
Oh.
My favorite part is when they get separated, then they reach back for each other.
Right? They're making a choice.
Hey.
Oh, my God, Patrick! Hi.
- Hi.
- Mwah! Uh, what are you doing here? Well, I realized something I didn't like about Santa Cruz.
Too many hippies? Not enough hippies? What? - You weren't there.
- Oh, what a cheeseball.
Maybe, but I like it.
(chuckles) You know, I wouldn't mind a little cheese every now and then.
Go away for two weeks Let's see what happens.
Hey, so, how about I finally take you out to that fancy dinner, huh? (exhales) Give me time to take a shower and make myself pretty.
Oh, well, you're already pretty.
See? That right there, be like that.
(music playing over TV) Hey.
Hey.
Didn't expect you home tonight.
Yeah.
If you'd have been ten minutes earlier, (laughs): you would have seen (laughing) Anyway, welcome home.
Would it kill you to throw down a towel? Why aren't you back at Patrick's hotel room throwing down your own towel? After dinner, things got kind of awkward.
Then he said he was tired and dropped me off.
What happened? It's not that big a deal.
We were talking, he asked me about my day, and I told him about taking care of Victor.
What's wrong with that? Then I mentioned that I could see myself taking care of Patrick if he has a stroke when he's old.
- Oh! Yikes! - What ? What is wrong with you? I thought you liked him.
And I may have used the word "diaper.
" - Oh! - Oh, my God! But this is all 30 years from now! You said 30 years? Wow, I don't usually think of you as stupid.
We've been together two years, and we're engaged, and we don't talk about the future.
Six hours in advance That's our max.
Yeah.
Watch.
What are we doing tomorrow night? I'll tell you tomorrow.
- Do you think I scared him? - Like a clown in a sewer.
Thanks, Mom.
Our little girl's gonna die alone.
(knocking) (laughs): Hey.
- Hi.
- Hi.
I intercepted your room service order.
Uh, I didn't order anything, so you better come in quick.
Oh.
(sighs) Uh So, you're probably wondering why I'm here.
Oh, you mean you didn't just come by to steal some, uh What is that? Huevos rancheros? I just wanted to apologize for last night.
I was trying to tell you about my day, and suddenly I was 30 years in the future and kind of dragging you along with me.
Well, I-I have to admit, it did freak me out a little bit.
I know.
I'm so sorry.
Well, you got to understand, I'm just getting out of a long marriage, and I haven't been alone since I was 19.
I get it.
I get it.
Yeah.
You want to play the field, you want to see what's out there, you want to cross some things off your sex bucket list.
Uh, I don't know what a sex bucket is, uh, but yeah, that was basically the plan.
And then I met you, and (sighs) I guess what really scares me is that you weren't the only one thinking about the future.
I wasn't? No.
I mean, I mean, we haven't even slept together.
Uh, I saw this cute little beach house, and I thought to myself, "Maybe Christy and I should live there.
" (chuckles) Wow.
Your fantasy has a beach house.
Mine has you in a diaper.
Yeah, mine's better.
Uh, but equally terrifying.
You're as crazy as I am, and that's kind of reassuring.
You know what? I'd better go.
I don't want to wreck this relationship.
Yeah.
Me neither.
Maybe we just should take it slow.
- Probably a good idea.
- Yeah.
Huh.
Um So, this beach house is it big enough for my mom and Adam? If there's a guest room, I'll board it up.
Oh, God, that's hot.
(chuckles) Mmm.
- Um, all right.
- All right.
- Okay, I'm gonna go, yes.
- Yes.
Okay.
All right.
I'll see you.
Okay.
- Bye.
- Bye.
Thanks for being here, Bonnie, you're a big help.
You're welcome.
And I want you to know I'm really working on saying appropriate things when I'm here.
Good for you.
In fact, I've even written some down that I think are not only positive, but hopefully of some comfort.
"Despite your crushing exhaustion, you don't look that bad.
" Thank you.
"Now you have a built-in excuse to avoid unappealing events, like children's birthday parties.
" I'll keep that in mind.
Ah, here's a good one.
"I was at first frightened when I looked at Victor, but now I am less so.
" You know what? I'm just gonna focus on the fact that you cared enough to write a list.
I have four more.
- Just make me some tea.
- Okay.