My Family (2000) s05e07 Episode Script

- Good morning.
- You being sarcastic? - Yes.
- Good.
Good morning.
You're being very loquacious today.
- What? - It means you're eating a lot.
I know what it means.
Abi's got a job interview at the college library.
Yes, I'm learning the dictionary.
Build up my vocabulary.
Really? You're building it on quicksand? Don't undermine her, Ben.
She needs to appear intelligent.
Have you considered prosthetics? Prosthetics.
What's that? Look at this mess.
I've got a tour to give in an hour.
I'll never do all these dishes.
Don't worry, they'll be there when you get back.
Oh, goody.
I'll do the short tour today, just to get back to the sheer pleasure of scraping egg off the plates of slobs who can't be arsed to do it themselves.
Now, listen.
Listen, listen, we're very disappointed in you two.
I'm speaking to you, as well.
- I do my share of the cleaning.
- Oh.
Like what? Last night I told Michael to take out the rubbish.
- You did not.
- I shouldn't have to.
I'm tired of being treated like a servant.
Hey, servants don't get to sleep with the boss.
Lucky them.
(Giggling) Prosthetics.
I get it.
That's not funny.
- I was being facetious.
- Facetious, facetious - Anyone got the sports section? - I've got it, Dad.
Anyone? I said it's here.
I was checking the football results.
Football? You? Yes, me.
Football? I'm after this girl at school who's into football.
Thought I'd impress her if I learnt a bit.
- Football? - A girl? Impress? D'you hear that, Susan? My boy has finally taken an interest in football.
Yes, I heard it.
And I find it interesting - that suddenly Michael is your boy.
- Yes, that's right, he's mine.
- Not yours.
Mine.
- Let's forget I said anything.
- Oh, I've prayed for this moment.
- I've gotta go.
D'you hear that, Susan? My boy has gotta go.
Ben, you're scaring him.
This is my chance for the kind of father-and-son bonding I never had with Janey.
Or with the with the thing.
- Would you hand me those plates? - Not now.
I've got to go and find something else to do.
Oh, fine, don't worry about clearing the table.
I can do it.
After I've folded the clothes, descaled the kettle - and hoovered your crumbs off the sofa.
- Don't forget the dishes.
Ben is being very antediluvian.
I've gone back to A.
If you want a word to describe Ben, look under C.
- Thank you so much for coming.
- It was nice meeting you.
And you, too.
A good cleaner is so hard to come by.
- And you're through to the next round.
- Thank you.
Oh, I nearly forgot.
Smile.
Thank you.
- Bye-bye.
- Bye.
Martha.
Candidate number 127.
(Doorbell) Hello.
I'm here about the cleaner position.
You're hired.
Michael, I'll handle this.
Mum.
Mum, please, hire her.
- My room's filthy.
- So is your mind.
- Sorry about that.
- Oh, no problem.
- I'm Anne.
- Oh, yes, of course.
- Please, do come in.
- Thanks.
Make yourself comfortable.
- I've just made tea.
- OK, thanks.
Oh, yeah, that's what I call a welcome home.
- (Shrieks) - Oh! - Erm, who are you? - Who are you? Oh, I'm (Laughs nervously) - Have you met Anne? - I've just had the pleasure.
Not the pleasure.
It was a pleasure.
You're lovely, but I couldn't Oh, my God.
Before we get down to it I'll just, erm Smile.
I've heard about you bored suburban couples.
Nice meeting you.
You might have told me you were interviewing cleaners.
I might have.
But I knew you would have said no.
If you knew I was gonna say no, why did you go ahead? Because you didn't say no.
I don't know why you have this irrational hatred for cleaners.
I don't hate them.
I just don't think we need one.
Oh.
And what's this? Oh, a wayward sock over a lampshade isn't good enough reason to hire an expensive cleaner.
Especially when we've got kids.
We didn't have kids in order to provide cheap labour.
They are not cheap.
Look, darling, I know how hard you work looking after me, the house and the kids and the I probably don't say it enough, but I do appreciate it.
- Mm, that's nice.
- Yeah.
- We're getting a cleaner.
- We don't need one.
Look, I promise from now on I'll make more of an effort around the house.
- Thank you, Ben.
- Yeah.
Starting in the bedroom.
Mm - Mm, that would be nice.
- Mm.
Too bad I'm too tired from cleaning the house.
Good night.
OK, you win, we'll hire a cleaner.
But I don't wanna be involved.
- Lovely.
- Oh, good.
I told her she starts tomorrow.
- Good morning! - Martha, you're here early.
I like to get a jump on the day.
I took the liberty of laying the table, unless you prefer breakfast in bed.
- Actually - Down here will be fine.
- Martha, this is my husband, Ben.
- Pleased to meet you, Mr Harper.
Is that eggy bread? Oh Oh, I've not had eggy bread since I was a boy.
Oh, God, it's Oh! It feels like my taste buds have been brought back from the dead and then died and gone to heaven.
Martha, we just really need help with the cleaning.
- Normally, I handle all the cooking.
- Susan, let the woman do her job.
Mm Oh, God, this coffee is so I mean, my knees have gone weak.
Would you and the coffee like to get a room? I just added a dash of hazelnut and a smidge of Tahitian vanilla.
Oh! Are you taking notes, Susan? - Yes.
A dash and a smidge.
- Ah! Look at this.
- This is my boy, Mikey.
- Michael.
- Hello, Michael.
- Mikey is a budding footballer.
- No, I'm not.
- (Chuckling) Hey, nice football! - Let me show you a few moves.
- No, Dad.
You'll get it dirty.
The main point of football is to get dirty, caked in mud and possibly injured.
- Come on.
- No! I want it to look good for Kate.
You're joking, right? Don't listen to him.
I think your ball is very pretty.
Pretty? Pretty? It's a football! There's nothing pretty about football.
- David Beckham is pretty.
- It Oh, G Give me the ball.
- Don't let him bully you.
- He wants to impress Kate, doesn't he? - Erm, all right.
- There.
- Ben.
- What? This is the first time I've known more about something than Michael since I don't know when.
I do.
- Come on, Mikey.
- All right.
- But no football in the kitchen.
- You're right.
In the sitting room.
Hey, hey! Look, this is the goal, you are a keeper.
Come on, pay attention.
- If you break it, you buy it.
- I already bought it.
- Not with your blood.
- I was a bit of a Pelé in my day.
Michael, I'm gonna place this ball past your grasping hands on the fourth step on the stair, three inches to the left.
- (Whimpers) - Bobby Moore decoy! Pay attention, boy.
Ha! Ha! Yes, and Ow! Goal! Yes! One-nil! One, two, three (Piercing whistle) Referee! Cacophonous.
Marked by a mingling of discordant sounds.
Excellent.
We'll make a librarian of you yet.
Multi fariousness.
- The - Mm? - The - Biscuits? - Oh, yes, please! - No! Not until she finishes the word.
I'm sorry to be the strict taskmaster, but it's only one day until your interview.
Think, Abi.
Think! - Multifariousness.
- Mm.
- The quality or state of - Mm? of - Oh - Oh, is this really necessary? - I'm afraid it is.
State of of being composed of different parts or elements.
- By George, Martha, I think she's got it! - She's got it! I've got it! Am I interrupting? (Muffled) I've just got multifariousness! I feel just like Henry Higgins.
And you are my Eliza Doolittle.
And you are Eliza's cook friend.
And who am I? Well, you're Susan.
I'll just finish supper.
Isn't Martha great? I mean prodigious.
I'm not so sure.
She won't let me cook, she won't let me clean.
I may as well be invisible.
(Sighs) - Welcome home, Mr Harper.
- Thank you, Martha, thank you.
Perfect, as usual.
Something smells good.
It's not quite finished, but I could give you a taste.
Lead the way.
Oh, sorry, didn't see you there.
That's because apparently I'm invisible.
(Singsong) Oh, Mr Harper.
Oh, duty calls.
(Singsong) "Oh, Mr Harper.
" That woman's transgressing her remit.
Oh.
So you can use these words in conversation, too? You know, I never knew lamb could just melt in the mouth like that.
What was that sauce Martha made? It was just a simple plum sauce.
I could have made it in my sleep.
And have.
Oh, look.
Look! Martha's left little chocolate mints on our pillow.
Thoughtless woman.
Doesn't she know we've already cleaned our teeth? Well, we can clean them again.
- Is there something wrong? - It's Martha.
Not with her.
With you.
Tell me about Martha, darling.
She's just not working out.
What what's she done? Well, for one thing, she polished the silver.
- That is terrible! - It's not that the silver is polished.
It's her attitude.
It's as if our silver isn't good enough.
- Isn't that her job? - She doesn't have to rub my face in it.
"Ooh, look at me, I'm hoovering.
" Aren't you overreacting? If anything, Martha's doing too good a job.
- Why don't you marry her, then? - Because I'm married already.
I get it.
You're jealous of the cleaner.
Don't be ridiculous! Jealous? Of her? Huh! Not just a little bit? How would you feel if someone else took over the things you did for your family? Bad example.
You wanted a cleaner in the first place.
Well, I didn't want her to make me obsolete.
You're not obsolete, darling! Come on, you're the keystone in the arch of this family, the hub round which we all revolve.
You keep us all together.
Without you, the kids would have flown the nest years ago.
You've got a lot to answer for, Susan.
Well, I suppose you're right.
Maybe I'm just being a bit silly.
Have you seen this? (Sobbing laugh) She's folded my underpants into a swan.
- Oh, hello, Mrs Harper.
- Hello.
May I help you with that? No, thanks.
The best way for you to help is just relax.
I've made tea.
I've got coffee.
Really, I don't mind helping.
Oh, that's sweet, but you'd only get in the way.
Well wouldn't want to get in the way.
The least I can do is wash up my own mug.
- Let me do that for you.
You just relax.
- No, I've got it.
- It's no trouble.
- I know how to clean a mug.
Don't be silly, it's my job.
I've been cleaning mugs since you were in short trousers.
I know, I know.
Relax.
- Oh, yes! - (Rattling) Come on, you hoops, hoops! Hey! Come on, Mikey.
Come on, have a seat.
- (Football commentary on TV) - Ha! Ha! Hey I got you some lucky Y-fronts.
Gee, thanks.
You can hold them if you want.
Better still, you can put them on.
Maybe later.
OK, Michael, now watch and learn.
It's a very fast game, OK? I bet you're wondering why the goalkeeper sometimes throws the ball instead of kicks it.
You mean, since they abolished the four-steps rule? (Chuckles) Bless.
You're getting there.
Just watch and learn, eh? Any more questions, ask away.
Actually, Dad, I was wondering Why have they got a left-sided player making percentage passes through midfield instead of employing the overlapping fullback? Well, it's so they can, like, like, hoof it up to the big man.
Oh, I get it.
He's setting up the number seven.
They must have perfected this move in training.
I reckon they'll score now.
(Laughing) Michael, football is a game for humans! You might as well predict when lightning is gonna str (Crowd cheering on TV) My G How the hell did you know that? You tell me.
You're the expert.
- Where are you going? - Game's over.
- It's barely started.
- Blues won't come back after that.
That fullback's heading for a red card.
(Crowd roaring) M Ah, football.
A strategic contest of the metatarsally propelled orb.
- Abi, have you swallowed a dictionary? - No.
Would you like to? (Yawning) - Susan.
- Yes, dear? Martha forgot to put the mints on our pillow.
Did she? Yes.
(Tuts) I was really looking forward to that mint.
I hate to say it but I think she's slipping.
There's dirty towels on the floor in there.
Slipping.
We should probably have a word with her.
- If you say so.
- Definitely.
If it happens again.
(Sighs contentedly) Mmm.
Oops.
Ooh.
Ooh.
Ooh, dear.
Ooh, dear.
Ooh, dear.
Oh, I hope it doesn't leave a stain.
Ooh, pish, pish, pish.
Ooh Oh (# Humming) What are you doing? Nothing.
Go back to bed.
You're dreaming.
- No, I'm not.
- Yes, you are.
- You're making a mess! - Don't worry.
Martha can clean it up.
- Stop it! - No, I won't.
You're trying to sabotage Martha! Oh, don't be ridiculous! I'm just giving the poor girl some extra work.
Su Susan! Susan! Saboteur! - You took my chocolate mint.
- Yes! - I took it! - (Gasps) - I want it back.
- Well, you can't have it.
- Give me my chocolate mint! - This isn't about mints.
Don't you understand? I can't stand that woman in my house one more day! It is partly about mints, though, isn't it? No! It's like she's taken over the whole house! What have you done with your mint? She's doing everything around here.
- The cooking, the cleaning - It's her job! No, it's my job! It's my job and I miss it! Which is why you have to fire her.
Me? Why me? Because if I do it, it'll be out of spite.
(Ben gasps) (Clattering) And that wouldn't be fair to Martha.
Good morning, Mr and Mrs Harper.
Well, let's not jump to conclusions.
Oh, pish.
The sun is shining, the birds are singing and I've made you a lovely cup of coffee.
What could be wrong? Yeah, erm, Martha, there's something Susan and I need to talk to you about.
- I'll just be in the next room.
- Susan, I You, er, wanted to say something? Yes.
Look, Martha, this isn't easy for me and Oh, my God, this coffee's good.
Oh, it Did you - (Susan) Ben.
- Oh, Martha, erm These last few days have been - probably the happiest days of my life.
- Well, I've enjoyed Shh.
Please, let me just say this.
Otherwise I'll never get through it.
What I'm trying to say is that what we had is well, was, very special but I'm afraid it's all over.
- Oh, dear.
Is there someone else? - Yes, it Yes, it's my wife.
I think I understand.
She's a bit touchy about the cleaning.
And the cooking.
And generally everything else.
Martha, if it was up to me, I would really You don't have to say it.
I never meant to come between you.
Oh, Martha.
I don't know what I'm gonna do without you.
Ben I'm just the cleaner.
Yes.
Sorry.
Goodbye.
Thank you, Ben.
- I know it wasn't easy.
- I just n I just need a few minutes by myself.
So, your name is Abi Harper.
Indubitably.
And you're applying for a job in the university library.
Incontestably.
Well, er, I've been reading your job application.
Most of last night, actually.
And I did find it a tiny bit Explicatory? Superplenary? Diachronous.
Long.
Well, that's because of the multiplicity of polysyllables.
And, er, when we say you may use another sheet, one is usually sufficient.
Oh, well, I like to be What's another word for hyperpunctilious? I don't know.
But it's bound to be in here somewhere.
Miss Harper when you applied for this position, did you bother to read the rubric at the top of the form? The what? Oh.
Incontrovertibly.
Then you will know that you are overqualified for this position.
Really? Isn't that good for a librarian? It can be.
Sadly, the vacancy is for tea-bar assistant.
Oh excrement! Mm.
"Mm"? Well, what's all th What's that supposed to mean? "Mm.
" Ah.
Oh, God, you and your "mm"s and "ah"s.
Why not come right out with it? I'm dying.
- Knock, knock.
- Oh, Susan! - Did I catch you at a bad time? - Not me, Mr Donnelly.
- I was about to remove his tongue.
- Hello, Mr Donnelly.
I just dropped by to take my wonderful husband to lunch.
Oh, dear.
Shame you didn't ring.
I'm all booked up.
- Mm.
- "Mm"? What's "mm" supposed to mean? - Just, mm.
- See how unpleasant that can be? Your office looks very nice.
Very tidy.
Don't know what you mean.
- What's that smell? - Smell? I don't know.
- Probably Mr Donnelly.
- Excuse me! No.
It's Mr Muscle.
I'd know that smell anywhere.
- She's been here, hasn't she? - I have no idea what you mean.
Ben, you're right.
That woman's a dynamo! My spit-bowl has never gleamed so bright.
Oh, hello, Susan.
- What woman, Roger? - What woman? Yes.
Er, I'm not sure I understand the question.
(Gasps) OK, OK, I'll sing.
It's Martha.
She's cleaning my surgery.
- It was Ben's idea! - I can explain.
We all love Martha.
Harper's a lucky man.
I wish she was my lady-who-does.
- (Buzzing) - (Yelps) I feel such a fool.
Susan, I've been waiting for the right opportunity to tell you.
- And when would that be? - Just before Roger did.
Susan, I want you to know I never meant to hurt you.
No, I didn't mean to hurt you but I probably will.
Copper's nark! I hope you and your fancy-woman will be very happy.
She's not my fancy-woman, she's just a cleaner! But she's not just a cleaner.
She irons my dental bibs, bakes me bread and generally brightens my day with her presence.
Oh Susan! Roger! Oh, Ben, I feel so rotten.
I could do with a hug.
I'll ask Martha.
Oh Oh Hello, old friend.
I've missed you.
I've missed you, too.
Oh.
Abi.
How did your interview go? - Bad.
- I'm sorry.
So you learnt all those long words for nothing.
Yeah.
So from now on, I use words of just one - Syllable? - Yeah.
Ta, Sue.
Hello.
Hi.
I got job.
Not.
Oh, I'm so sorry, Abi.
You deserved that job and you will find something because there's no stopping you - and, Susan, it's about Martha.
- I don't want to talk about it.
- I'm an idiot.
- Go on.
Susan, I'm I fired Martha.
For good this time.
- Like I'm supposed to believe that.
- It's true.
Mm, what's that wonderful smell? - Stop it.
- Oh, no, I'm serious.
It's duck a I'orange.
Only I didn't have any oranges, so I'm using pears.
And I didn't have any duck, so I'm using mince.
How about a little taste? - Looks delicious.
- Really? Mm.
Well, it's not quite ready, but I suppose Mm.
That is so good.
- I'm glad you like it.
- Oh, I do.
I Hey why don't we celebrate and open a bottle of wine? Sounds nice.
Hoops! Yeah, we are hoops! Hoops, oh, yes! Heroes! Heroes! Rangers! Come on, Mikey, I've got tickets for the Rangers game.
Go and put on your lucky Y-fronts.
Ha! Ha! Er, no thanks.
Not really into football any more.
- But wh why? - Gone off Kate.
But I'm after a new girl.
Parents own a pottery shop.
What do you know about the ceramics of Northern Italy? Nothing.
Well, I mean, it doesn't change things, does it? We can still go to the game together like father and son.
Heh! Heh! Dad, you taught me something special this week.
Something that will stay with me for the rest of my life.
I hate football.
It's primitive, dull, pathetic and cruel.
And a feeble excuse for emotionally stunted middle-aged men to cry in public.
Hello, Abi, how did it go? Did you dazzle them with your intellect and charm them with your smile? I had dazzling charm coming out my butt.
I'm so proud.
- Still didn't get the job, though.
- Oh, no.
Yeah, I feel like I've let you down.
Oh, don't be silly.
You could never disappoint me.
Oh, Roger, you are sweet! I have often walked Down this street before But the pavement always stayed beneath my feet before All at once am I Several storeys high Knowing I'm on the street Where you