NewsRadio (1995) s05e07 Episode Script

So, Mr.
Nelson, you claim to have no prior knowledge that your employer Jimmy James, was actually the skyjacker D.
B.
Cooper? I still don't believe that he was D.
B.
Cooper.
David, I-- I need to talk to you real quick.
Not now, Matthew.
This isn't a good time.
No.
I'm talking to the FBI now-- Well, I know, but I-- Matthew.
I think I might know where Mr.
James is hiding.
Really? And where would that be? What? Hey, man, I know my rights, okay? [WHISPERS INDISTINCTLY.]
No, Matthew.
Mr.
James is not hiding in prison.
He just escaped from prison.
Dave, Dave, Dave, Mr.
James is a criminal, okay? We have to think like him.
Where do criminals like to hang out? Prison.
Think about it.
And don't, you know-- If there's nothing else, sir, I need to get back to work.
Actually, D.
B.
Cooper is said to put the money in a large green duffel bag.
Have you known Mr.
James to be in possession of such? L-large green duffel bag.
Um No, no.
I don't-- I don't think I've ever seen a large green duffel bag.
Can I, uh, help you gents with anything? Gosh, no, thanks, Johnny.
Um Oh, I'm sorry, this is Johnny Johnson.
He just came down from Mr.
James' main office to help us through this crisis.
Johnny Johnson, Junior G-Man.
That's good.
And this of course is his puppy, Max.
Now, Max, shouldn't you be off working on your, uh, editorial? Uhdo I have to? Yes.
I wasn't talking to you.
You better do what he says, big guy.
All right.
Whatever you say, boss.
Soif you-- Dave? I need to talk to you.
This really isn't a good time.
Dave, please.
When a songbird weeps, the whole world cries with it.
What is it, little one? Thank you, Johnny.
My mom made me talk to my stepfather again.
Pretty rough on you, huh? Well, he treats me like a redheaded stepchild.
That would seem to be his prerogative.
Davewhen are you gonna stop sending a sharp tongue to do a hug's work? Hey.
Well, uh, again, if-- If there's nothing else, I really do have an awful lot of, uh.
[.]
Dude.
I think I know where Mr.
James is hiding.
I am not a dude.
And no, you don't.
I'm serious.
Okay, Joe, where is he? Reliable sources tell me he's traveling coast to coast in a customized van called "The Electric Love Cruise Wagon.
" Reliable sources, hm? I've got a few contacts in the FBI.
I assume you mean the Female Body Inspectors? No, I mean the real FBI.
The Female Body Inspectors are a little too busy to be looking for some guy.
Have you ever been bitch-slapped? Yeah.
Yeah, I have.
What's going on? Joe's just going off about the FBI again.
Oh, he's so proud to be a full-blooded Italian.
Hey, shine your shoes, boss? You just shined them, champ.
Yeah, but that was before you walked them over here.
This guy.
Johnny is so evil.
Yeah, he's like a snake.
Yeah, and he's got everyone here under his spell.
Yeah, he's like an evil sorcerer snake.
And he keeps rubbing that duffel bag in my face.
Tell me about it.
He even took it with him to dinner lastnight.
You went to dinner with him again? Well, it wasn't dinner.
It was more like a-- What? More like what? More like a-- More like a what? Like a light supper after-- After what? After a carriage ride around Central Park.
Huh.
Dave, I'm just trying to figure out what the guy's up to.
You should be careful around Johnny He-- He can be very emotionally manipulative.
Thank you very much.
I appreciate your concern.
I do.
But it's just dinner with the guy, you know? It's not like I'm suddenly just gonna fall and-- Oh, God.
Those slow hands.
I must tell you my lips are getting very jealous of my fingers.
Why don't you tell 'em to come on over? Ooh! Hey.
That got the crick.
Thanks, I can move my neck again.
We're still on for tonight? Sure.
Fantastic.
Yeah.
Hm-mm.
Mm.
Mm.
Mm-mm.
Ah, you did him, didn't you? No.
Yeah, you did.
No.
Oh-ho.
Dave.
I did not "do" anybody.
You did so.
Oh, please.
We got a little intimate.
That's allowed.
That's allowed.
I'm sorry I'm not up to date on the modern etiquette in dating evil guys.
Well-- Dave-- What, what, what? I am well aware that he's evil.
It does not mean he can't be a fun date.
How far did you go? Oh.
Please.
How far did you let him go? Come on, first base? Was it first base? Was it second base? Huh? This is absolutely ridiculous.
A stand-up triple.
Dave? Hm? Your mom is on the line.
[SIGHS.]
Fine.
Beth.
Come here.
[WHISPERS.]
What's third base? Oh.
I thought that was second base.
No.
Actually, I thought it was first base.
Guys in high school really messed with my head.
Listen, Mom, this really isn't a good time to talk, all right? I really don't care which of my friends is there.
Huh? Oh, my God.
Hey, Dave.
Oh.
Thanks, Mrs.
N.
Mr.
James, what are you doing at my parents' house? Oh, well, we-- Well, well, I'm a hunted man, Dave.
I mean, what-- What safer sanctuary could there be than the extra bedroom of a simple Wisconsin couple? Sir, that Wisconsin couple happens to be my parents.
They could be arrested for harboring a fugitive.
Oh, yeah, your dad was a little bit grumpy about that.
But your mom-- Your mom insisted.
So tell, what's the situation at the office? Oh, well, uh, you know, uh, the FBI are here interrogating us.
Everybody likes Johnny better than me.
And, uh, oh, Lisa's sleeping with him.
Well, it couldn't get much worse, huh? Oh, no, it could.
It could, sir.
You know that, uh, green duffel bag? The only piece of hard evidence that could convict you? Mm-hm.
Johnny has that.
Damn.
Yeah.
Wh-- Has he given it to the cops yet? No, I don't know his plan.
Oh, Dave, Dave, I can't I-I just-- I can't relax until you take care of that bag.
Now-- Reading some of these old Caspers really helps, but I tell you-- I'd prefer it if you didn't take those out of their bags.
They're kind of collectibles, sir.
Yeah, um, uh, gotta go.
Talk to you later, Mom.
So you call your mom sir? She's strict.
Hey, Dave-- Johnny's in there.
No, I-- I want to talk to you.
Oh, really? Look, I-- I know you're jealous of me and Johnny's special friendship.
I just wanted you to know that if you want to hang out with us, it's cool with me.
Well, thanks, Max, but I'm not jealous.
It's just that Johnny-- I know he's evil.
Yeah.
Dave, isn't that getting a little old? No.
It's the truth.
Okay, fine.
Let's just say for the sake of argument that Johnny is evil.
All right.
Doesn't that make you want to serve him all the more? No.
I just don't get you, man.
Uh, Lisa, I think the time has come for desperate measures.
It's time we get that bag from Johnny.
Yes.
I think I'm the person to do it.
No, better leave that to me.
No, Dave.
He trusts me.
He also seems to arouse you.
His evil is very seductive, Lisa.
I know, but I can do this.
I just have to stay focused.
I'll be like Mata Hari.
And I'll seduce him with my feminine wiles.
And I'll betray him.
Uh-huh.
Uh-huh.
I can do it.
I hope so.
Yeah.
Did Mata Hari sleep with the guys she betrayed? Be a waste of feminine wiles otherwise, wouldn't it? I can do this.
Yeah.
Hm.
Are those the wings of an angel I hear rustling? They are.
[LAUGHS.]
I'm no angel, Johnny.
Then you are a demon.
And I am your willing slave.
Huh.
So, uh, how's it going? If the flames of hell burn as fiercely as your lips, then let the fires consume me.
Oh.
That's very sweet, really, but I was just, you know, sort of-- You tempt me, devil woman.
Don't make me beg for my own damnation.
Oh, Johnny.
[CHUCKLES.]
Mm.
Oh, Johnny.
Oh, God.
Preparing to hit the road.
Do a little hardcore investigative journalism.
What are you gonna investigate? I, dear sir, am going in search of the elusive Jimmy James.
Well, does Dave know about this? I don't know.
Johnny gave me the assignment.
Really? Yeah.
You know, Matthew, I mean, I think you do a real good job sitting at this desk and all that.
Thank you.
Yeah.
But don't you think that as a real reporter, you kinda suck? Yeah.
I know, I know.
You really suck.
That's what I said.
I said that.
But Johnny said I should have more confidence in myself.
Really? Anyways, will you help me with this, real quick? Yeah, sure.
No, here-- Okay, well, bon voyage.
Lisa.
Yeah.
You didn't just come here for a simple make-out session.
Ican sense it.
Oh.
Well, yeah, it's not what you think, Johnny.
Um Don't be afraid, Rosebud.
I want something more too.
Oh.
Well, to be honest with you, I-- I really think second base is my limit right now.
Lisa Miller, light of my life, fire of my loins will you marry me? How did it go in there? Lisa? Lis-- Lisa? [PHONE RINGS.]
WNYX.
Oh-- Oh, hi, Mr.
James.
Yeah, Dave, did you get the bag from Johnny yet? Uh, no, sir, but I'm trying.
No, no, no, no, now do or not do, Dave.
There is no try.
I understand.
No, no.
No, everything-- Yeah, everything's fine.
You-- You folks just have a good time.
Okay.
Sir, what was that about? That was your parents.
They're going out to see a movie.
So I kinda got the place to myself.
That's good.
Well, maybe you'll have a chance to relax.
I don't relax, Dave.
I mean, the way I'm feeling right now, I'm capable of something desperate.
What do you mean? I don't know.
I gotta do something.
I gotta do-- Dave, I can't talk anymore.
I gotta go.
Sir, what do you mean by desperate? Sir? [BOB SEGER'S "OLD TIME ROCK N' ROLL" PLAYING.]
Just take those old records Off the shelf It's so big.
Yeah.
It's so beautiful.
Yeah.
What did you do? Did you fake a pregnancy? No.
What are you waiting for? Put it on.
I can't put it on.
I've only known the guy for five days.
Well, exactly.
You have broken the five-day barrier.
He proposed to you? Yeah.
Well, you get right in there and turn him down.
Come on.
Jeez, Dave.
You give jealous ex-boyfriends a very bad name.
I'm not jealous.
It's just that this is wrong, and she doesn't love him.
Actually, I think I might.
No.
Well, I don't know.
I mean, it's crazy.
On the one hand, it seems like a good thing.
You know? I like him, he says he loves me.
On the other hand, we haven't had sex yet, he's not met my family-- He's evil.
Right.
Hey.
This guy giving you any trouble, boss-ette? Why can't you suck up to me? I tried it the first few days.
It didn't take.
All right, Johnny, I think this has gone far enough.
Since you got here, you had one goal.
Put Mr.
James in jail and to take over his corporate empire.
That's two goals, Dave.
And now, you're trying to take advantage of Lisa's emotions.
Manipulate her.
And I don't even know why.
But I'm not gonna stand for it, all right? All right, Dave.
I'm gonna be honest with you.
Nobody believes a word you say, anyway.
I'm evil.
I've been that way for a long time.
And, uh, yes, I came here with the sole purpose of stealing Jimmy's empire.
All that changed the moment I laid eyes on Lisa.
Oh, come on.
You can't just turn off your evilosity.
The word is "evilness," Dave.
And yeah, I can.
I happen to have a talent for evil.
Doesn't mean I like it.
Well, then why do it? Well, it fills that void within me.
The void that Lisa fills.
I'm a hollow man, Dave.
I'm like a cheap chocolate Easter Bunny.
So you're telling me that you would give up evil for Lisa.
Oh, in a heartbeat.
If Lisa married me, I'd finally be able to give up all this shallow corporate intrigue and pursue my real dream.
And what's that? Teaching English as a second language.
Are you seri-- I mean, are you serious? Do you really mean this? Yes, I do.
And if Lisa says "yes," I'll drop this plot against Jimmy like a hot potato.
All right.
Okay.
Prove it.
You want the evidence? Yeah.
I better wait till I get an answer.
Okay, give me a minute.
Come on, let's go marry him.
Dave, Dave.
No, no.
You are trying to do this to stop Johnny from taking over Mr.
James' empire.
Well, sure, that's an added side benefit, but come on-- You said yourself you're in love with the guy.
No, I am not going to be a negotiating pawn in a corporate battle.
Why not? It'll be fun.
I mean, besides, i-i-it's perfect.
Mr.
James gets his freedom, you get to marry a guy who makes you swoon every time he touches you with his magic fingers.
Dave? What? Your mom is on the line.
It sounds very important.
Okay, I'll take the call.
And, you know, you're not getting any younger.
Hello, Mr.
James.
Who--? Who's Mr.
James? It's me, your good old mom.
Well, that certainly is a cunning impression, sir.
Oh, thanks.
Thanks a lot.
Oh, g-- Guess who's here.
Oh, I don't know.
My Dad.
No, no, no, guess again.
Now, do you remember this voice? MATTHEW [SLOW VOICE.]
: I remember David.
Matthew.
Wait a minute.
It's me, reporting live from your boyhood home, David.
Matthew, why are you at my parents' house? Because I'm a journalist, Dave.
And I was like: "Where would I go if I was running from the law? Answer: Dave's parents' house.
" Well.
Well done, Matthew.
Thanks, Dave.
Hey, I actually made two discoveries today.
That stack of girlie magazines you had hidden under your mattress.
Those aren't mine.
Oh, yeah? [GIGGLES.]
Hang on.
Oh, I love little Casper.
Yes, Mama.
I love you.
Bye-bye.
Your mother? Yeah.
Dave kind of inspired me.
We sort of lost contact when I became evil and all.
But, uh, now that that's over-- Hm.
That's what I'm here to talk to you about.
I've been waiting.
You don't have to kneel.
I just feel more comfortable like this.
Well, I-- First of all, I just want to say that this has been the hardest decision I've had to make.
You know, because I'm-- I'm, like, really into you.
You know, I'm, like, into you like a train, you know? Um, so much so that it scares me.
Butthen I hardly know you.
You know? And on the other hand, that's kind of exciting.
You have the most magnificent midsection.
Oh.
Oh, Johnny.
All right, listen up, everybody.
I'm going out for a couple of hours, and nobody better try any crap while I'm gone.
This office is mine! Johnny, you almost forgot your lucky bag.
Just leave me alone, you pest.
Yeah, but-- Beat it! Was he mad? I can't believe you turned him down.
Well, I told him we could go to third.
Why was he so mean to me? I was just trying to help.
My whole world is crumbling.
Max, I told you he was evil.
I forgive him.
No.
You know, Dave, just because Johnny has a broken heart does not mean that he is evil.
Good point, dude.
I am not a dude.
Take it easy, man.
I'm sorry, Dave.
I just-- I couldn't go through with it.
Yeah.
Um-- Um-- Hey, it's your life, huh? It was very difficult, though.
I mean, I've never had to turn down a proposal before.
How do you feel? I-- I feel strangely, um powerful.
Mm-hm.
In an evil sort of way.
It's the oddest thing.
Well-- [DOOR CLOSES.]
What are you doing with that duffel bag? Don't you know if the feds see that, Jimmy's sunk.
Mr.
Nelson, I believe that's the green duffel bag we spoke of earlier, is it not? What? That's fine work, Nelson.
Yeah, if this is what I think it is, your Mr.
James is going away for a long time.
Let's go, boys.
We-- Wow, Dave.
Dropping the dime on Jimmy like that.
Heavy betrayal.
Soit was really you who wanted to take over Mr.
James' corporate empire? Uh-- He set-- He set me up.
I was trying to help Mr.
James.
You sure got a funny way of going about it.
I'm gonna go see if Johnny needs a scalp massage.
This is absurd.
Come on, you guys must see how absurd this is.
Sorry, Dave, I only talk to non-evil people.
You know what? Uh, I'm gonna leave before Dave tries to take over my empire.
Good idea.
Come on.
[PHONE RINGS.]
WNY-- Oh, hi, sir.
Yeah.
S-- So how are things going? Ooh about as bad as they possibly could.
Well, why? Is Lisa marrying Johnny? We-- No.
Well, then, that-- That's good news.
What about the duffel bag? Oh.
Well, I-I kind of, uh Uh-huh.
accidentally Yeah.
gave it to the FBI.
Oh, Dave.
I'm sorry, sir.
No, no, it's okay.
I'm-- I'm the one that's sorry.
You know, I never should have put such a heavy load on you.
And you know what? I've decided to go ahead turn myself in, face the music.
Well, I think that's probably for the best, sir.
When do you think you'll be coming in? Oh, just as soon as the feds come get me.
My ride's here, Dave.
I-- I gotta go.
[SCREAMS.]
Wait, no! [TALKING INDISTINCTLY.]
[.]