Parks and Recreation s05e07 Episode Script

Uh that's a stretch.
Fine.
I win, we move in there.
I'll take the West Wing.
You take the East Wing.
You can be the first gentleman.
Actually, that sounds kind of great.
Thanks for coming with me to get my stuff.
How could I pass up an opportunity to look at our future house? Oh, just remembered.
I kind of got you an engagement present.
Is it a waffle tower? I mean, it's a little better than that.
Claudia Welders.
Uh, that-- how did-- - How did you do this? - Called in a few favors.
Excuse me.
A few hundred favors.
Mr.
Vice President.
Ben Wyatt from congressman Murray's office.
Hey, Ben.
Dave told me yowewere gonna be coming by.
And you must be Leslie Knope.
Welcome.
Welcome.
You're--my name just came out of your mouth.
Well, yeah, it did.
This isn't happening.
This isn't real.
No, it's happening, and I'm delighted to have you here.
On behalf of the president and myself, - I wanted to-- - Oh, Mr.
vice president, I am deeply flattered, but there's no way that I could take over Madam Secretary Clinton's position.
- I mean-- - I'm confident you could do that job or any other, but-- - Okay, I will.
Well, the reason you're here is I'm told you've done such a great job in your town and in the state of Indiana, and I just want to say congratulations for your public service.
And I just want to say thank you.
Well, you-- you're very welcome.
You're very welcome.
Hey-- y-you're very welcome.
- You're very handsome.
- I think we're all done.
- Well, you're very nice.
- Okay.
Thank you.
Thank-- thank you very much.
Thank you very much.
We'll see you tomorrow.
Well-- Oh, well, you will? Thank you, Mr.
Vice President.
Y-you're welcome.
You don't let anything happen to him, you understand me? He is precious cargo.
Yeah, it's actually the same accounting firm I almost joined last year, and they gave me a great package-- Three weeks of vacation, matching 401(K), and a pretty sweet windbreaker.
- Wow.
- I'm getting married, and I wanted a good stable job, so I'm going back to Accounting.
So just call me Bond, municipal bond.
Yeah, that joke killed at the accounting firm.
Well, well, well.
If it isn't Mr.
Looks and Professor Books.
He's Looks.
I got it.
Of course you do, Books.
What's going on? Well, fun fact: Ben just got an amazing accounting job.
Regular fact: I have to go to a meeting.
Un-fun fact: My Uncle just had a stroke.
Well, I'm off.
This is actually a crazy coincidence.
I have a new company and could use your help on the math side of things.
- Oh, what's the new company? - We specialize in making stacks on stacks on stacks on stacks.
Right.
Pass.
I'm kidding.
It's a real idea.
So get this-- Kids are always growing out of their clothes, so their parents don't want to buy 'em nice things.
I'm gonna rent my upscale clothing to middle school kids, because I discovered I'm roughly the same size as the average Pawnee 12-year-old.
That's actually a really great idea.
I know.
Can you take a look at the business plan, tell me what do you think? - Sure.
Why not? - Awesome.
Washington, D.
C.
has more dog parks per capita than most cities.
Pawnee only has two dog parks-- this one and that one, which is also an active parking lot.
Can you say "per capita" again? I want to take a picture of you saying "per capita.
" - Stop.
- I am so proud of you.
Now stand next to the screen and think about all the strong female role models in your life.
- Gross.
- April came to me with an idea to build a dog park in Pawnee.
I recognized her potential a long time ago, and she's finally living up to it.
I mean, I am so proud of her, I could cry.
And here we go.
One tiny critique.
If you do want to be taken seriously, you might want to think a little bit about how you present yourself.
No, this is publicity for Orin's new performance art show.
He's an animal living on a human farm.
And you can go and feed him from your own hand.
Ugh, that's horrifying, and so is Orin.
You should not be friends with him.
So, after reviewing all the options, I found that the best location for the dog park is Lot 48, the one behind Ann's house.
No.
No, no, no, no, no, no.
I've been trying to put a park there for four years.
See, the thing is, April, that lot is mine.
I've been doing slow, painstaking work so I don't want to whip out the legalese on you now, but I got dibs.
What we are gonna do is we're gonna take your enthusiasm, we're gonna bundle it up, and we're gonna find a new place for a dog park.
Doesn't that sound fun? One, two, three, cheese.
Good girl.
Good morning, Andy.
Okay, something is different about my computer.
Aha.
It's gone.
A game is the foot.
See, part of the police academy entrance exam is investigating a crime.
So about a month ago I told everyone in the office that, at some point, they should steal something from my desk so I could practice.
Let's do this.
Wait, hey, did you guys take my glasses too? They got my sunglasses too.
I was in Miami last weekend.
I took my talents to South Beach.
How do you spend your time in Miami? Maybe fencing stolen computers? Yes, I took your government computer from Indiana to Miami to sell it on the black market for 150 bucks.
Ha-ha, you don't know it, but you just gave yourself away.
Gotta say, I'm impressed.
Your mission statement made sense, and you didn't use one R.
Kelly lyric.
Yes.
So you want to be my CFO? Well, I already have a job, but I'll help as a friend.
As long as you take what I say seriously.
I don't want another Entertainment 720 disaster on our hands.
Yeah, it was a disaster.
Too bad we didn't see it coming.
All right, what's my first move? You know, I think any of the four previous locations would work, but there's something about this place.
It just has a really good energy here, you know? lots of natural light.
It's tiny and awful and loud.
And it's zone 14B, industrial waste clean-up site.
We should technically be wearing Hazmat suits right now.
It seems like the kind of place a ska band would go to shoot heroin.
Come on, guys, this is a great place for a dog park.
I mean, look, there's already a dog here.
Oh, my God.
I had that exact doll when I was a kid.
This is-- this is traumatic for me.
Well, I'm sorry, but lot 48 is the only one that works.
And I'm definitely bringing it up at the next city council meeting.
April, please, I beg of you, I will do anything to keep you from doing that.
Okay.
Saw off your pinky toe.
- No.
- Shave your head.
- No.
- Have sex with Jerry.
No.
Well, I tried to be reasonable.
I have created a monster.
And now I need to destroy her.
What do I do, Joe? Well, Leslie, look into my eyes, take a deep breath, and everything will be fine.
Thanks, Joe.
God, he's good.
Ron, thank you for agreeing to see me.
I didn't.
You just walked in here and started talking.
I don't have time for a history lesson.
Look, I am trying to remove parking meters, and there is a guy in Public Works who's being a real thorn about it.
- Which guy? - Ricky Jordache.
Never heard of him.
What's his deal? He's new.
He used to be a slacker, but now he's realizing his full potential, but at what cost? He's smart, and he's beautiful, and I think of him in many ways as a daughter, but that would be crazy 'cause he's a man and his name's Ricky.
Here's my question.
How did you used to slow me down when I was becoming too me-ish? Sometimes I'd just give you busy work.
I once had you put together a brochure about different kinds of Indiana topsoil.
That soil brochure was not busy work.
I mean, people still refer to Mulch Ado About Nothing.
And if you were particularly amped up about a project, I'd take you to JJ's and distract you with waffles.
Those were distraction waffles? I thought they were friendship waffles.
Breakfast food can serve many purposes.
But what if this person, this Ricky, who is real, doesn't like waffles or anything.
Everybody has something they're passionate about.
Just figure out what it is, express an interest in it, and divert his attention.
Howdy, neighbors.
Welcome to human farm.
Here's your animal feed.
Please don't feed the animals.
Wow, this is really, really cool.
I like the statement it's making that, you know, we're all in cages in a way.
Yeah, it's actually about death and the city.
Yeah.
I see that now.
Hi, Orin.
Ms.
Wicks, if you've read our proposal, you'll see that an alliance between Rent-A-Swag and Sweetums could be mutually beneficial.
Well, I must say it's a much better idea than the last one you had, that gourmet French food thing.
Oh, my escargot delivery service, Snail Mail.
So you want to partner up and make history? I mean, you've already made history as the world's most beautiful CEO.
I'm really sorry, cutie.
The company's laying low right now due to a small mishap.
Ah, yes.
The Sweetums molasses storage vat exploded, resulting in a slow-moving ecological disaster.
Well, all press is good press.
No, this was bad press.
A lot of homes were very gradually flooded.
People died.
Actually, speaking of, we're starting up a non-profit foundation to restore our name.
Any interest in running it? Oh, I'm--I'm sorry, you want me to run your non-profit wing? I know that Bobby Newport is my stepson, but the work you did on Leslie's campaign was amazing.
Your name is on our short list.
Just to clarify, it's a no to me on all fronts, and you're offering Ben a job? - Yeah.
- Cool.
Cool.
Been looking at your file all day, Jerry-- if that even is your real name.
It's not.
My real name is Gary.
Well, Gary--if that even is your real name-- Somebody stole my computer.
Now, if you're a criminal, look at me, you have to tell me legally, or else it's considered entrapment.
I'm sorry, Andy.
It wasn't me.
Oh, man, really? - No.
- Okay.
Okay, so we know it's not Jerry, unless he was lying to me.
I can never tell when people are lying to me.
Hopefully that doesn't come up in my police work.
I think we should do more stuff like this.
You know, I think Pawnee needs an amazing arts program.
Maybe you should just drop everything and coordinate it.
I'm not stupid.
What is that supposed to mean? It means that the only reason you brought me here is to distract me from the dog park.
- You hate this show.
- I love this show.
- What's your favorite part? - The heavy-handedness.
You know what, I have to go talk to Councilman Jamm right now.
Why are you talking to Councilman Jamm? Because I told him about the dog park idea, and he loves it.
He thinks it's a great idea.
He's gonna support my motion at the city council meeting tomorrow, and he gave me a really cool dental mirror to check out my molars.
Our dispute aside, you should be careful with Jamm.
He's a snake, I'm telling you.
Yeah, like I should trust you out of all people right now.
Moo.
- Moo.
- Quiet, weirdo.
Aren't you supposed to be a sheep? No.
You are.
Oh, shut up.
Tom would make a great profile for your show.
I mean, this is a guy who's learned through an unbelievable series of bonehead business moves.
Not to mention in the last month alone three people have confused me for a shorter, Indian Ryan Gosling.
It's interesting, but I think I need to wait until the business has been around for a few months, make sure it's viable.
You're the guy who ran the congressional campaign - in Washington, right? - Yeah.
What, are you gonna offer him a job? Yes.
We're launching a new political chat show, and we need correspondents.
Oh, well, thank you, but I'm a little shaky on live TV.
That's okay.
People want authenticity.
- Think about it? - Didn't you hear him? He stinks on TV.
He sweats.
He stutters.
It's like The King's Speech, but the first part, before he's fixed.
That was my favorite part of the movie.
What is happening? Chris Traeger.
Yup.
Hi, Andy.
I know you did it.
Did what? Don't play stupid and handsome with me.
You stole my computer so that I could practice for my police exam.
You're as guilty as you are sexy.
Andy, another computer was reported stolen from the offices on the other side of the courtyard.
I don't think this is part of your police training.
I think City Hall was robbed.
I can't tell if you're lying to me.
- Really? - I think.
Like a real crime? That's even better.
Next order of business: It's agenda item 280B, a motion to construct a dog park on municipal lot 48.
Ms.
Ludgate, you have the floor.
Thank you, Councilman Jamm.
Your help and general non-awfulness is much appreciated.
Leslie, members of the Council, I believe that municipal lot 48 should be a dog park.
Boo.
Boo.
Well, it sounds like there's considerable opposition to this, so I'm sorry, Ms.
Ludgate, you should go now.
Really? I just heard one hag booing.
Ladies, please, let's keep this civil.
Councilman, Pawneeans, satisfied customers of Jamm Orthodontics, as we discuss what type of park to put on lot 48, I had a thought.
How about no park? Who here thinks parks are stupid? Let the record show that everyone is raising their hands.
I happen to know for a fact that Pawnee's favorite fast food restaurant, Paunch Burger, needs a new location.
Now, seeing as how the future of lot 48 is open for debate, I move we sell it to Paunch Burger for a nice profit.
You don't even have to be Asian to do math that simple.
You told me you wanted a dog park.
Uh, psych.
That's not fair.
You lied to me.
You just got jammed.
I hate when he says that.
I told you that Jamm was a snake.
Well, it takes a snake to know a snake.
- So now I'm a snake? - Yes.
You deceived me for two straight days, and you eat mice.
- I don't eat mice.
- Yes, you do.
You're a mouse eater.
Mouse eater.
- Mouse eater.
- Enough! You are friends and coworkers.
In this office, we treat each other with respect.
Hey, April, how is that dog park coming? - Get out, Jerry.
- This is private! Sorry, guys.
We are not leaving here until you two figure this out.
Ron, guard the door.
Yes, sir.
No one leaves the Octagon.
I dated an ultimate fighter.
It was like a thing he said.
What's the play here, officer? You gonna set up a perimeter, maybe bug a few phones? Ooh, I know.
We could put out a dummy computer for them to steal, fill it with explosives first, Boom, take 'em all out.
Yeah, we're not doing any of that.
Andy, I love your enthusiasm, but we don't really have the kind of money to launch a massive investigation.
You're just gonna fill out this stupid report and that's it? As a future cop, you have to understand, I cannot let this guy go.
Look, man, this is what most police work is.
Just writing stuff down.
It's not superhero time.
If it sounds boring, maybe you ought to do something else.
Maybe we should find the person who stole his positive attitude.
Hey, man.
Hey, man.
Get any more job offers since I last saw you? Yeah, but it was just a management position at Urban Outfitters.
I turned it down.
I don't know, man.
Maybe I can't hack this.
Maybe I should take a cue from you and stick with my boring day job.
Well, my accounting job isn't boring.
If it was remotely interesting, there would be a show on A&E about it.
They have a show about storage unit auctions.
Fair point.
Look, if you're passionate about this, keep at it.
Things will turn around.
Also can you tell me what time that show about storage units is on? All right, I'm gonna have to force this.
Leslie, maybe you want to admit that you haven't been the greatest role model.
I don't care.
Orin's my role model.
April, maybe you want to admit that you've been a little selfish and inconsiderate.
Look, all I ever wanted was for you to show the enthusiasm you showed for your dog park, and, when you did, I blew it.
- And I'm sorry.
- Fine.
I'm sorry that I outsmarted you at every turn.
- April.
- And I know I have a lot to learn from you, and I'm sorry that I disrespected your stupid dream.
A lot of love in this room.
- I'm very, very sorry.
- Me too.
- I love you very much.
- I love you too.
I don't want to do this in front of her.
- Okay.
- Okay, Ann, since you're such a genius, what do we do now? Neither of you want Jamm to win, nor do I, because I hate Paunch Burger, but, if there is one in my backyard, I will eat there, like, every night, and that is no good.
So I say we stop playing dirty with each other, and we start playing dirty with Jamm.
- Yes.
We'll have triple-sex with him.
No.
I have an idea.
It's very uncool, but it's not illegal, technically, but it is a dick move.
I love it.
Hey, Captain.
Status update: My new suspect--the dude who runs carpet emporium.
The way I figure it is, criminals love to wrap things up in rugs.
Plus, he yelled at me when I tried to unroll 'em all, so Andy, while I appreciate your dedication to finding this criminal, I think you might want to take into account what the policeman said.
I mean, gosh, if I can't even investigate bad guys, why become a cop at all? What are you doing? When I get bummed out, I take my shirt off because the bad feelings make me feel sweaty.
You know what, maybe I should bail on being a cop.
City Hall needs a new part-time security guard for the weekends.
You want to do that? Look at it as a way to feel out whether you want to be a police officer.
But, keep in mind, if you take this job, you must keep your clothes on at all times, even if you get sad.
No deal.
Okay, I'll do it.
- That a boy.
- I'll do it.
I promise.
And I get a gun, and I can point it in people's faces.
Incorrect.
Hey.
What the hell is going on? Oh, hello, Councilman.
The dogs are here because there's no dog park in your neighborhood, and the kids are here because there's no human park in your area.
They all needed a place to play.
My front lawn? That's right, and they're gonna keep using it until there's an actual park nearby.
Hey, hey, lady, get that thing off my gnome.
He is dry-humping my garden gnome.
- Stupid beast.
- Councilman Jamm, we just need a little bit more time to design our park.
And, if you plow through and ignore us, this is gonna be your life.
I'll call the police.
Yeah, sic the police on a bunch of kids and puppies.
- That's a great photo op.
- Fine.
Gentleman's agreement.
In 90 days, we'll put our plans to a vote.
- Winner take all.
- Deal.
Great, now call off the actual dogs.
I want these kids off my lawn.
I want that hula hoop off my 'Vette.
Right now.
Hey, Jamm.
You just got knoped.
And ludgated.
- And perkinsed.
- Ha-ha.
Nice try.
It didn't work.
You just got jammed.
Okay, so let's get to work.
Wait, wait, wait, do you never just take a second to enjoy things? I just said, "let's get to work.
" How else do people enjoy things? I know you changed your mind the last time we offered you a job, but we are just thrilled that you changed it again.
Thank you.
Me too.
This is our best office.
As you can see through the window, you have a great view of the billing department.
- Hey, Sharon! - Shh.
Sorry.
She's fun.
So, please, if there's anything we can do to make you happier in your new job, just let me know.
Oh, no, this is great, Barney.
Thank you.
But I have to quit again.
What-- ohh! Is this a classic Ben joke? No.
I'm really sorry.
But I just don't want to do this.
I need to move my life in another direction.
This is disappointing.
Again.
Maybe someday we'll figure out the magic formula that gets you to work here.
Well, formulas are my formula for moolah.
Ted, get in here! Ben's quitting again, but you gotta hear what he said.
Leslie's been saying for weeks I should do something I love, and she's right.
And I'll help Tom or maybe try to do that TV thing or maybe work for the Sweetums foundation.
I don't know.
Life is short.
Why be an accountant, you know? I mean, other than the stability and the health plan and the above-average pay.
Oh, God, this better work out.