Portlandia (2011) s05e07 Episode Script

- Hi, I'm Fred.
- And I'm Carrie.
This year for National Coming Out Day, we want people to know that coming out is for everyone.
There are lots of options for coming out, and we're here to help you find a sexuality that works for you.
Hi, I'm Tom here, and I'm hetero-plausible.
I'm not straight, but just to appease my parents, I tell them I could be.
- Who knows? - I'm Mary.
I can't wait to break up with the guy I'm dating and start dating women.
I'm a homo-nextual.
Next up, vag.
Hi, I'm Daniel.
I'm homo-logical.
Do the math.
I should be gay, but I'm not.
I have too much belly fat.
I'm Charlotte.
I'm a homo-spectacle.
I'll totally kiss another woman to get the attention of men.
I've met a lot of boyfriends this way.
Hello, I'm Neil.
I'm hetero-speculative.
I'm into guys, but you know, those ladies Hi, I'm Connie, and I want to let everyone know that I'm a hobo-sexual.
I am really, really into hobos.
Call me.
You probably don't have a phone, so I'm gonna come find you.
Hi, I'm Rick.
I'm homo-textual.
Couple of same sex flirty text messages and dick pics never hurt anybody.
And guess what? My wife's kind of cool with it.
I'm homo-casual.
What's the big deal? What kind of pictures are you sending to the guys? It's in the mirror.
I'm Amy, and I'm me-sexual.
I have one follower.
Me.
Oh, my God.
I'm Randy.
I'm a hobo.
I'm a hobo-sexual.
That's me.
Hi, I'm Frank.
I'm homo-sonic.
And what that means is I'm a raging gay, but whenever I sing, I sound like Bruce Springsteen.
highway Hey, buddy, this is a safe space.
You can say whatever you want.
- Okay.
- Mm-hmm.
Um, hey, I'm Jake.
But is there some sort of-- kind of can you sort of expand on that and kind of give it a name? Am I doing something wrong? I'm sorry.
It's too short, you know, homoe-Jake-ual.
You know, Jake-o-sexual.
You are gonna declare yourself a Straight dude.
Well-- All right, hon, I'm off to work.
- Have a good day.
- Thank you.
Uh, don't forget, the maid's coming at 10:00.
Oh, I was gonna have a quiet day reading.
I could cancel if you wanted to clean instead.
- No, it's all right.
- Okay, have a good day.
All right.
Sorry to bother your work.
It's not really work.
I'm just reading a book.
I'm reading Game Of Thrones.
Do you know if this is dry clean? Claire is pretty particular about that shirt, so let me help you out with that.
So what you do is you just pull it from the shoulders and just do it in half so there's zero creases.
You are very good at, uh, folding clothes.
- Oh, thanks.
- Do you work? I don't have a job presently.
In my country, my husband is in the army when he's not at job.
I mean, I'm pretty good at Call Of Duty, but I certainly don't get paid for that.
- Where is your wife? - She's at work.
So you stay at home and read books while she is at work? Yup.
You're, like, uh, very feminist.
Right? You know it's, like, lady, very feminist.
- Stay at home.
- Feminist.
Feminist.
- You said feminist.
- Yeah.
Claire, I'm actually a feminist.
How? I was feeling really bad, you know, like I-- I don't do a whole lot.
I'm kind of like a stay-at-home dad but without a kid, so I'm like a stay-at-home guy.
But I'm actually a feminist because what's happening is I'm enabling you to be the breadwinner.
By what, not having a job? I'm "Subverting the patriarchy.
" I had personally never thought of it like that.
I used to think I was a wimp, but really, I'm a feminist.
- That's very interesting, Doug.
- Guess what? - You like voting? - I do.
There was a time where women weren't allowed to vote.
I know.
Do you know the word Frida Kahlo? Yeah, I've heard of the artist.
She was a female Picasso and probably got paid way less.
Okay, I'm gonna go make dinner.
- Claire.
- What? - You're a woman.
- Great.
You can do anything.
Do you want to help make dinner? Um, I don't know how equipped I am to do it.
Um, how about I take out the garbage at the end? - Did you shower today? - No.
Hi, welcome to Women & Women First.
Feel free to look around and sit down and read whatever you want.
Wow, this is-- this is great.
Um, I'm an actress, and I'm about to shoot this movie in town, and I'm playing, like, a really strong woman who has, like, fierce convictions and like a feminist.
Like a feminist or a feminist? There's a difference.
She's a feminist who's a mermaid.
- She's a what? - She's a mermaid.
What's feminist about a mermaid? - Well-- - Just the thought of it; maid.
What, is she sweeping the ocean floor? Uh.
Isn't there enough of that in film? I almost lost my shit during Little Mermaid.
I stood up in the theater.
I looked at the little kids.
I said, "You little bastards, you're watching water get wasted while you have your popcorn.
Turn around.
Look at the back of the theater.
" This is, like, exactly why I'm in this bookstore is just this kind of dialogue, 'cause I'm in a really-- I need a lot of feminist dialogue, things feminists would say.
So will you be here for the next 20 years then with us? Well, I start shooting next week, so, no.
All right, where's the script? Mermaid Springa, written by Alice Mathias.
- Okay, by a woman.
- Yup, Alice is great.
Are you Bobby? No, I'm Millicent.
Let's change her name to Militant.
Militant, interesting.
Okay, so what else is happening? She does meet a guy.
- Who? - He's a surfer.
I think that this surfer should show up - Uh-huh.
- and she looks at him - Yeah.
- and says, "You don't mean anything to me.
" - Okay.
- "Go back and surf.
" And that's all we see of him.
He is bound and gagged.
Do you think the audience is gonna wonder why he's bound and gagged? Oh, that's a good note.
Let's do that as a studio note.
So you'll need something in dialogue to set that up in an earlier scene.
What's this about her dad? So my dad, who is Poseidon, he tries to take me back into the sea and tell me my time on land is over.
She, like, ties him up, and she's like, "I will do it on my terms and my time.
" Whenever you say something like that, my terms, you need a long silence afterwards.
- Okay.
- My terms.
Okay.
Two one-thousand, three one-thousand, four one-thousand, five one-thousand, six one-thousand, seven one-thousand, eight one-thousand, nine one-thousand, ten.
When someone says like, but-- - My terms! - Another one.
That should be a 30 minute scene.
This is gonna be-- this is gonna be so much better.
I feel like I've grown as a woman and as an actor.
You're gonna do great, and you tell that director who's boss.
You are.
I'd offer you some food or something to drink, but we don't have anything.
I know it's been so long since we've had a girls' weekend.
I just-- I've been so tired this week.
I don't feel like driving.
- Just do a rideshare.
- Oh, yeah, that's interesting.
Portland, Seattle.
Who is this guy? "Gas money is more than appreciated.
Sweet tunes.
Good vibes.
" I mean, it could be an adventure.
take me on a great adventure take me away - Sandra? - Yeah, hi.
Are you doing a rideshare? How you doing? I'm Joey.
- Nice to meet you.
- Very nice to meet you.
- Are you going to Seattle today? - I am.
You got any more luggage than this? No, I'm all ready to go.
All right, couple rules of the car.
I like windows up, the A/C at, like, 71 degrees.
I like the seat kind of in the middle.
You don't want to get in the way of the mirror.
What are you drinking? As a rule, you know, you can't have no, like, coffee and, like, soda and all that, you know.
It's just water.
If you got rules, I'm gonna follow them too.
Now do you have any rules for being a passenger? Um Don't assault me.
You'd be surprised, you know.
'70s rock, you know, '60s rock.
- Just-- - '50s.
I-I'm fine with you just picking whatever.
What do you got in your phone here? Switch it on my stereo in here.
Turn up the volume really loud.
You hear that? These ladies in Siberia, they-- they-- they can do multi-tone with their voices.
That's what that is.
Then one tone goes Joey, would it be okay if we stopped soon to go to the bathroom? All right, let me try to find a good, uh, rest stop.
I don't want to do, like, a, uh, regular gas station.
Yeah, maybe something in the next ten minutes.
Definitely got to pee.
I'm very methodical in my thinking.
Are you gonna pull over soon? You know, you like frozen yogurt? I-I have to pee.
Sandra, I too have to pee.
All right, so what do you think, like, ten minutes? I don't even need that.
I'll-- I'll be back here in two minutes.
- Ten minutes? - Two minutes.
Make sure nothing's wrong with it.
It's locked.
- Okay.
- You're back already? Yeah, I just had to pee.
Oh, I missed my turn.
I was busy with the locks.
If you need to run to the bath-- No, no, now I got to go.
You know, the mistake I made, Sandra, is I didn't pee before I picked you up.
But instead, you know, here I am.
The bathroom's right there.
My body is telling me, please walk this direction.
- Will you please just-- - I'm not gonna go.
- Okay, well, then let's get-- - And even the time I was-- I've been talking, I could have peed.
You know, and then, uh Hold on.
Oh, let me be chivalrous.
Now, Claire is the main breadwinner in the household.
Now me? I sit around the house.
I'm not doing anything.
I'm not bringing in the money.
I get some birthday money here and there.
I buy some of my own stuff.
That's the extent of it.
You better believe that's not a lot.
And Claire is a hard worker-- - Doug? - Claire.
Why are you talking to my boss? - I'm getting us a raise.
- Hi, Greg.
And look, look what I had made today.
I picked it up.
"Well behaved women rarely make history.
" - Why did you get that shirt made? - I had like 100 of them made.
Doug, will you please leave? - You want me to go home? - Yes, go home, get in bed-- Should I stop and get those chocolate chip cookies? Okay, bye, Doug.
Bye.
Nice to meet you, sir.
Hut, two.
Do you want to-- do you want to have sex? Well, wait a second.
Wait a second.
Do you feel safe? Yeah, can I just take your pants off? Well, wait, wait, wait.
I'm trying to get flaccid.
What are you talking about? I want to get a good soft on.
Oh, Doug.
I'm doing a protest for feminism for you.
Are those my bras? Yeah, you don't need those anymore.
Yeah, I do, and they're like, $50 each.
Yeah, we got to, like, sacrifice something to make a stand.
Okay, listen, I know this is coming from a good place.
Like, I know you care about me.
I know you want to participate in the female experience.
But this sucks for me.
All I want is for you treat women like equals, not burn my possessions.
So get out of the house, go hang out with some other guys or anybody, but get out of the house 'cause I'm gonna kill you.
Okay, well, if you wanted to murder me, that would be your choice, so I'd understand.
Hi, everybody.
I'm Doug.
This is my first time doing a male feminist meeting.
- Hi, Doug.
- Hey, Doug, nice to meet you.
So, um, I guess I'll just start off talking about what kind of feminist I am.
I've never hired a geisha.
Excellent.
I've been saying to ladies on the street, "Are you a doctor?" - Yeah.
- "Hi, I'm sorry.
Are you a doctor?" Just-- just-- just so that there's not a feeling of, like, only men can be doctors.
When I watch TV, I'm never, like, "Oh, man, look at that lady, man.
Whoa, she's a blonde.
She's a brunette.
She's a redhead.
" Well, what the hell does it matter what color their hair is? Yeah, I don't even see hair color.
- Exactly.
- I don't even see hair.
Like, I just see bald women.
Cool.
Yeah.
I used to be the worst of the worst.
I would, uh, I would look at women, like, You know.
I would say "Hubba, hubba.
" But then I met a, uh, I met a girl, and she was a feminist.
Next thing you know, uh, I'm a-- I'm a feminist.
It takes a lot to say that.
A great story.
So loud.
I just wish there was a way that we could be, like, validated for being such great feminists.
Yes.
So we have to be showy about it.
We can't just be quiet.
We have to be showy.
We have to brag about being male feminists.
For lack of a better word, it's bragging.
Someday they're gonna write an article about us.
And there's gonna be, like, black and white photos of us, like We're pretty powerful dudes.
We can gain more.
We could do a lot more.
And you have to got to pay more attention, buddy.
You.
I'm just worried that you're just part of the problem.
Our job, guys, fellas, people, is to solve feminism.
- Yeah.
- To solving feminism.
- To solving feminism.
- To solving feminism.
We can do it, guys.
You know what butter I don't like? Hazelnut butter.
Yeah, I like almond better.
You like almond butter? - Mm-hmm.
- Yeah.
Better.
Toast is, you know, they say that toast is the perfect food.
Toast is the only food that's lasted through history as dependable.
What about rice? That's the thing.
Rice came in second.
Toast beat it out.
Thanks for dropping by, Monica.
Thanks for having me over.
Let us know how your first week of college goes.
Oh, for sure.
And, you know, don't study too hard.
You know, you don't want to overdo it.
Peter.
Do not listen to your uncle.
Also, these are the new wheels your mom got ya.
Yes.
What is it, Peter? The back of it, it's-- it's naked.
It's naked? I'm seeing the bumper and-- and-- and-- and the back, and it should be covered with stickers.
But does anybody really, like, read those? That's what changed my mind when I-- when I started growing up in college.
I would look at bumper stickers and go, "That's my opinion too.
" Now this is the box of stickers I've collected over the years, so what better use than to give them to you, huh? - Yeah.
- So here's a good one.
"Honk if your family embarrasses the hell out of you.
" That's cute.
But it's not true, so let's not use it.
"4 out of 3 people have trouble with fractions.
" That one's really funny.
In the bumper sticker world, they call it the laugh line.
"Don't get mad, get naked.
" Peter, that is too much.
No.
"Celebrate diversity.
" "In goddess we trust.
" "Jah.
" I don't think any real rastafarians are gonna be offended by that.
They would say, "Good on her.
" - "Coexist.
" - Yeah, I think both.
Why have two of the same sticker? Because the stickers are coexisting with each other.
And look at all the different religions.
- You got Turkey.
- Turkey isn't a religion.
- Have you been to Turkey? - No.
They pray like hell.
That's all they do.
- Yeah, but-- - Don't be ignorant.
Okay, show me some more.
Now, Monica, this one I think is specific to you.
When you go to college, you got to really raise a ruckus.
Get in there and smoke a cigarette and burn things and kick over garbage cans.
Peter was a real bra burner.
I went to the department store, and I lit that whole bra section on fire.
That sounds like you're an arsonist.
- That's what the cops said.
- That's against the law.
Why would you do that? "Well behaved--" Apparently I made some history.
"Vegan vampire?" - I didn't get it when I-- - Is it a band? - Oh, maybe it's a band.
- It might be a band.
- Do you like music? - Yes.
- Beep.
- "Adios, bitchachos.
" "Half man, half horse.
" - What the hell? - Yeah, half man, half horse.
To me that reads, like, sexual innuendo.
I-- - I disagree.
It's a political statement.
- Anti-horse racing.
- Anti-horse racing? Yeah, because, you know, jockeys are so small that it looks like a half man, half horse.
- I'm so confused.
- Yeah, me too.
That's what it looked like to me.
Put it in the-- the maybe pile.
Okay, so which one are we gonna put on? All of 'em.
We're gonna take you for a ride - and show off your new stickers.
- Yay! Get in the backseat.
We'll drive.
Hey, are you guys reading all these stickers? - Our niece says "Jah.
" - No, I don't say "Jah.
" Hey, and jah, rastafari, half man, half horse, everybody.
Thanks for letting me stop here.
- I got so hungry.
- Yeah.
But I know you got to go meet your friends, right? - Hi.
- Hi.
Welcome to Athena's.
Can I get you guys something to drink? Yeah, I'll have a water and a lemonade, please.
What is she having? She's having a water and a lemonade.
What's lemonade? You've never had lemonade before? Oh, lemonade.
All right, yeah.
I will have-- What did she order? A water and a lemonade.
- Where are you seeing that? - Drinks are on the back.
- Right there on the back.
- We have the same menu.
- See, they're right there.
- Where are you pointing? - Um, upper left.
- Lemonade.
- Lemonade is-- - She's pointing at milk.
Right here she's getting a water and a lemonade.
Are you suggesting that's what I get? You can get whatever you'd like, okay? She has two waters.
I'll have one of her water-- No, you're not having two waters.
I had a water, and I had a lemonade.
I can just bring two waters.
But I don't want water to be my drink.
- Right.
- So I'll have-- I'm sorry, what did she have? A water and a lemonade.
- So how many waters is it then? - Uh, one water.
Oh, I'll have a water too, and I'll have a lemonade.
You want one? Get her one too.
So I'm gonna get two lemonades and two waters.
And do you know what you want to eat yet? Tell me about your baked potato.
It's baked with a bunch of sour cream.
Who bakes it? Is it baked on the premises? - Yes.
- Will you put this in my eye? Cheese sticks.
I wish that they had, like, a darker bread.
And I'm not gonna say-- I think they did a good job.
- Let's get the bill.
- I liked it a lot.
- There you go.
- I insist.
I'll get it.
- I'll get it.
- I just had a lemonade.
So we got two lemonades.
We had waters, you know that, right? - Yes.
- Free of charge? Yeah, that's free.
And then, uh, you didn't charge me for the butter, right? - No.
- That's really nice of you.
The Wizard Of Oz, what the hell was going on in that movie? Who were the main characters of Wizard Of Oz? I'll go first.
Tin Man, The Lion, Scarecrow, and Dorothy.
- 'Kay.
- Did I get it? Yeah.
Makes me a movie buff.
Who is that? We already ordered the pizza.
It's time to go home.
Mermaid Springa is over.
I need you back down to the sea to do work.
I'm not going anywhere with you.
I'm not your property, dad.
- I'm my own person.
- Militant, we have a duty.
We've got to be underwater.
I will go and come where I want to when I want to as I see fit on my terms! I thought this was an R-rated movie.
I mean-- Do the shells match the drapes? Did you hear that? I think that was a sexual thing.
Take the tail off.
I want to see the tail.
What a misogynist pig.
I'm gonna get up and say something.
I think you should.
I think we should.
Okay.
Excuse me, you can't talk like that.
- Like what? - That woman up there, okay, that is a person.
You cannot treat her as a sex object.
I have the right to talk.
If I see something that I like, I say it.
I like that.
I want that.
You think respecting women means, like, standing up for them on their behalf? No, it means worshipping them.
And I'm worshipping that woman up there.
What are you guys laughing at? You think that's right? You should not be able to differentiate between the two genders.
Dude, why don't you just sit down? Who are you calling dude? I am not a dude.
I'm a feminist.
Feminist, you're a wimp.
Not everything has to be tough.
Pass me the football.
I'm gonna eat it.
Dude, you're embarrassing yourself.
Well behaved women rarely make history.
You know what shh stands for? Shh-e.
She has the right to be in that movie.
You're the only one commenting at this point.
- Please sit down.
- No.
Nope.
We're taking back the movie theater.
All right, you want me to shut this guy up? Yes.
I'm gonna kick your ass, bro.
Claire.
Guess what happened? I got into a fight.
I'm fine, but I think we solved feminism.
Yeah, once and for all.
It was just, like, a total melee like on the news.
Uh, I'm ready to be picked up now.
take me on a great adventure I also don't-- I don't do this bull of, "Hey let me get your phone number.
" I ask men too.
What's your phone-- What is everyone's phone number? In this room, everyone write down your phone number.
Sorry, guys, my tummy-- tummy's rumbling.
I'm sorry.
Go.
Are you out of your mind?