Rake (2010) s05e07 Episode Script

GARETH: Now, I have just returned from a brief visit with the Governor-General, where he commissioned me to form a new government.
What do you have to confess, my child? "My child"? You're 11 years old! No, I'm I'm 28, mate.
Cleaver! (SCREAMS) The old Parliament, the one under the tarp.
I was probably the last bloke in there, actually.
What were you doing in there? You know, the thing was meant to be a toxic wasteland.
This conversation, it never happened.
I mean, it is a literal cover-up.
Consolidation with extreme prejudice vis-a-vis these plumbers.
CLEAVER: You need to get some shut-eye, I think, 'cause you're looking sleepy-headed and snoozy, Nadia.
Nadia? You just called me Nadia.
- No, I didn't.
- You just called me Nadia.
- Ugh! - (GUNSHOT) I've done more damage trimming my fuckin' nasal hair.
This is a disaster! Yeah, well, I didn't want to hurt you.
Mate, the whole point of the exercise was to hurt me.
I know who shot Penny Evans.
- What? - She ordered it herself.
That's the name of the fella who shot you.
And I know who organised it.
Walk away, or it's prison.
I will be informing the President of the Senate that I resign my seat immediately.
If I ever find you within a country mile of Caitlin Farquhar again, I will hurt you.
If I find out you've been touching her, even looking at her, even sharing the same air she breathes, I will massacre you.
Are you sure you can't find another hour or so? It is not often I spend time with someone who shares my passions.
Piggy! You little arse wipe! Listen! Do your bloody job and arrest this man! Lower your voice, please, sir.
He has stolen from me a priceless piece of art! Did you take his painting, sir? Really? HIS painting? I'm not sure I know what you're referring to.
Tell me, did you ask him to show you a certificate of ownership before Officer, just ignore him, would you? This has been a long-running dispute between us.
Yes.
Which, according to the courts is far from resolved.
Sir, there isn't much we can do.
This seems to be a civil matter.
Yeah, but This is hardly bloody civil, is it? Unless you can show proof of ownership Listen, do you want me to halve the law enforcement budget next year? - Because I can, I WILL, do that.
- Good Lord! Is he threatening an officer of the law in the performance of his duty? OK, that's enough.
Thank you.
You arrest this prick and fucking throw away the fucking key! Oh, well, Officer, I think I might go inside and get some shut-eye.
I was just, uh, wondering if you could, uh, move him along.
I wouldn't want the neighbours calling you out later on.
- Sir OK.
Thank you.
- Thank you very much, officer.
- Goodnight, Joe.
- Excuse me, sir.
Prick.
(SIGHS) (URINATES) Oh Oh, not again! Oh, f Oh, fuck! Oh, you bastard! Fuck off! - Oh, come on! - (BUTTON RATTLES) Oh, fuck! Oh, fuck me! Oh, yuck! Oh, for fuck's sake! Ah, fuck.
Yuck.
What's the? (GASPS) Fuck.
Yes.
Yes.
That's it.
I've tried seven plumbers.
Vanished! We can't get anyone.
Oh, well, that's what people do, isn't it? - What? - Well, they just vanish, don't they? They vanish.
It's the nature of things, isn't it? It's the cycle of shit we have to wade through on our weary passage to the ocean.
Oh! Uh Your Your Holiness? Yeah.
(CHUCKLES) Uh, I wouldn't go in there today, mate.
It is a gymkhana of poo in there.
Probably an agricultural today.
Thank you.
- No, no.
- Uh Eh.
You you can't use it, it's blocked.
- Thank you.
- No.
No, no, no, no.
Just don't go in there.
There's You don't want to see what's in there.
It's We can't get a plumber, so no no using the toilet.
Thank you.
(SIGHS) Are are you even gonna try and stop him? Nuh.
No point.
He's a monk.
He's above the the suffering of humanity.
You know, the shit probably won't even touch him.
What's going on with you? - What's going on with me? - Yes.
She asked, very warily.
Well, I don't seem to be able to please me in the old, familiar way.
(GASPS) (DOOR OPENS, CLOSES) Thank you.
He was smiling.
His robes were untouched.
He truly is a holy man.
(SPEAKS ANGRILY IN POLISH) Everything alright there, mate? Well, Princess is lying here, dying of stomach blockage.
The entire drivers' pool is shifting dangerously towards revisionism, and you're asking me if everything's alright.
Would you like a mint, sir? I mean, there's some bottled water in the back there, for NEWSREADER: .
.
and the disputed South China Seas.
The US President has claimed he is ready to begin an all-out war with China.
- Experts are now - (FOLK MUSIC PLAYS) Oh, mate, could I listen to the rest of that, please? (DOO-WOP MUSIC PLAYS) Oh, fuck no.
Not not this, mate.
No, not this.
This is this is aural sandpaper.
- (VOLUME INCREASES) - Oh Oh, fuck! Oh, we're That's how we are today, is it? Great.
Tops.
(MUSIC CONTINUES, MUFFLED) I'm gonna take a moment, yeah? Why have we stopped? - Won't take long.
- Where are you going? Forgive me father.
It's been, uh it's been a well, it's been a heck of a long time since my last confession.
And never in Canberra.
PRIEST: Sweet Jesus, please tell me that's not Cleaver Greene.
I got transferred to escape you.
Who's that? Is that - Is that you, Peter? - Yes.
Oh! How are you, mate? Um fine.
Oh! Well! Of all the gin joints, huh? - Uh, please make your confession - Fancy Anyway.
renew your covenant with God, and then please leave.
Oh.
Oh, alright.
Alright, mate.
Um OK, so, I was, uh I was having a crack at myself this morning I beg your pardon? You know, I was I was doing a bit of doona work.
I was I was having a go.
I was I was flogging the log.
Well, you know the Church's position, the wastage of seed is a sin in God's eyes.
Yes, yes.
Now, listen.
The problem is it was bad.
Sin is bad.
No, no.
Not the sin, mate.
Keep up.
The tool work.
The actual handiwork was bad.
It was You know, it was boring.
I mean it was I pulled up stumps halfway through.
And it's been like that for weeks now.
Uh, I'm struggling to understand exactly Me too! Look, I've had heaps of sex before and some of it incredible, I mean, you would like, blow your eyebrows off.
And some of it very good.
And some of it, you know, just like (YAWNS) .
.
"Is that the time already?" I hope we're talking within marriage here.
Oh, yeah.
Whatever makes you feel comfortable in there, Peter.
Marriage, you know, that's that's an interesting one, because most of the time you're just cleaning the pipes, aren't you? You're just phoning her in.
Sexual congress is a sacred act conducted within the sanctity of marriage in the hope of bearing fruit.
- It is an act of mutual love - Hm.
that reinforces the bond of a man and woman as part of their bond with the Roman Catholic Church.
Yes, I'm taking it you've never been married.
I'm a Catholic priest.
You're sitting in a bloody confessional! Well, let me tell you, chief, that is not the way that marital sex works, OK? But, anyway, we're drifting off again.
Pulling the pud has, for me been my safe place.
You know? It's been a rock in a boiling sea of turmoil.
And I did not think that it was possible that it could be boring.
This is completely inappropriate for the confessional, unless there is genuine repentance.
What is it a harbinger of? Do you know what I? I mean, have I fallen out of love with me? Your problem is far greater than your need to toy with yourself.
My point is, what the hell has happened, OK? What is going on? I need You know, what's Where's it all gonna end? (UNDER BREATH) Probably hell.
- What? - Nothing.
Nothing.
Right.
I mean, well, this has been great, hasn't it? Are you gonna absolve me? Yeah, you're absolved.
Great.
Thanks.
And good.
Good to see you again.
Is this dress OK, or are you gonna have to buy me another one? - For what? - The ball.
The Midwinter Ball.
Oh.
Yes.
Uh, bad news on that front, I'm afraid, my sweet.
This war footing we're on, I'm gonna be required in, uh (GRUNTS) .
.
Taiwan.
- Cost of being Foreign Minister.
- Cancel it.
Well, the future of the world may rest on these weary shoulders.
Cancel it.
No! Well Jane! If I can't convince the Chinese to remain neutral God forbid! Looking prime ministerial today.
I am.
I am.
I just got off the, uh, blower to the States.
Well.
Tense times ahead, keeping China and the US happy.
Rumour's afloat that you're thinking of a Cabinet reshuffle.
I was just wondering what you intend to do with Cal.
Most people who bang on about, uh, destiny, they end up working returns counters at Bunnings, or in State Parliament.
But not me.
I mean, I was I actually knew I was destined.
I mean, even as a child, I felt it in every fibre, every limb of my body.
(CHUCKLES) So you ARE thinking of a reshuffle? Along the way, I fucked 116 women, varying races and ethnicities, and I even took one as my wife.
And look at me, I still have a full head of healthy hair.
I guess you could say there was a sense of inevitability about it all.
Or maybe I'm just talking in subtext.
Yeah, maybe a little.
Uh, look, I'm happy with the Defence portfolio.
- Ah.
- Especially now there's talk of war.
But, uh, if you are proposing Cabinet changes, we should talk about it.
Well, I don't need you to tell me what I need to be doing, Joe.
I'm not a stopgap PM.
I'm here to break Menzies' record in office.
So, when I want your opinion I'll give it to you.
Now, it's time for us to move back into the big house on the hill, the new Parliament House.
This office is totally inappropriate for my needs.
How soon can we get back in? Well, it's about how we do a vault face, Gareth.
Mm-hm? It's been quite useful for us, this security hysteria.
We increased our numbers.
We've been able to rip money from all sorts of places.
If we suddenly just say it's all fine and good without some plausible explanation, well, the press is gonna smell a rat.
No, you're overthinking this as usual, Joe.
We've already got a white coat with a gambling problem who's more than happy to front the Estimates Committee.
- I take it you've stacked the panel.
- As much as we can.
The trouble is, David Potter's the chair.
So we need to ensure those two plumbers keep silent.
They won't be a problem.
We can't guarantee that.
(CLEAVER SNAPS FINGERS RHYTHMICALLY) Look somewhere else.
No, I was just, uh checking out your filing, there.
You seem to be doing - quite a lot of filing.
- I'm not filing.
I'm dumping all the stuff that you said was vital, but never read.
I can bear looking at it anymore.
So, this, um Midwinter Ball thing, have you got any plans for that? Don't even think about it.
No? Look somewhere else! - Prime Minister! - Yes? Uh, Edmund Seaton needs an urgent word.
Who or what the fuck is Edmund? He sounds like a refugee from King Lear.
What a play! Do you like the theatre? Do you know, when I was in high school I was always the lead in the play, as much for my good looks as talent, probably.
Mm.
Uh, he runs this place.
No.
I do.
He runs the actual building.
Oh, Christ alive, that idiot? Yes, yes.
What does the Earl of Gloucester want? That's from the play, by the way, Edmund wanted to be the Earl.
- Hm? - Right.
- Well, it's about the Midwinter Ball.
- Yes.
Very important.
Very important.
I want more of these public occasions, so I will speak with the Earl of Gloucester briefly.
Now, gods, stand up for bastards! - EDMUND: Sorry? - (CHUCKLES) You weren't in the school play.
Didn't have the looks.
- It's about the Midwinter Ball.
- What about the ball? We have to find another venue, there's a wedding on.
Well, the WEDDING will have to find another venue.
The Midwinter Ball, to quote my wife, is THE biggest event on the political calendar.
- Now, go away.
- I can't change it.
Because it's been booked and paid for for over a year now.
Julie! Take Edmund from this, my place and make sure I never see his face again.
Well, what am I gonna tell them?! Well, THIS is what you're going to tell them, and make sure you quote me verbatim, verily, I say unto them, they can take their tin-pot fucking wedding and shove it up their collective arseholes.
- Elective arseholes.
- COLLECTIVE arseholes! COLLECTIVE arseholes.
The Midwinter Ball takes precedence over all other bookings.
CAL: And for Christ's sake, make sure Jane knows I'm not going to the ball.
- OK.
Where will you be? - At the ball.
- Yeah, but officially.
- Oh, well, I don't know.
Just get the office to book me a flight straight after.
Great advantage of being Foreign Minister, I can be anywhere.
I've heard that Gareth is planning a Cabinet reshuffle.
He wouldn't dare move me.
You are his greatest threat, Cal.
If that undie stain tries to give me Health Ooh! He could do a lot worse than Health.
What, you you're not suggesting Veteran Affairs? No, he he couldn't.
He wouldn't.
Oh, Jesus, of course he would, that's what I'd give him.
(SNAPS FINGERS) OK.
All hands on deck.
We are gonna bury this prick.
(RAPID KNOCKING AT DOOR) No, I don't want to hear about your emotional issues, Cleave.
I haven't got time.
It is about the Midwinter Ball.
What about it? Well, it's coming up.
Bit of a big deal.
And I mean, uh, you're here, I'm here.
That's a bit of a happy confluence of circumstances, isn't it? I just thought maybe we could go together.
Why? - Well, I've covered that, haven't I? - No.
Look, it's not a date or anything, it's just, you know, we go there together and we leave together, and in the meantime, we have a little boogie.
- Why would we do that? - Oh, well, I don't know.
I mean, fuck, it'd be nice, wouldn't it? It'd be recognition of our shared history.
- No, don't.
- Oh, what? Do you think you might move on from the monosyllables at any point? No.
I'm trying to delve a little deeper here, you know.
I've, uh, been I've been having these feelings lately.
(LAUGHS) Feelings? Yeah, just feelings.
You, know, feelings of emptiness, I guess.
Especially in the mornings.
You know, I just keep thinking it'd be lovely to feel a little familiar warmth.
Is this the deeper conversation? OK, so, um just let me know how you go with that ball thought.
Maybe.
- Potentially? - Possibly.
(CLICKS TONGUE) Yeah, good.
Door, please.
Close the door, please! (SIGHS) You never sacked him, did you? Now, I knew you hadn't.
I'm not stupid.
I just want to hear you confirm that.
He never sacked him.
I know he didn't.
From his lips.
To whom are we referring here, ladies? - You know who it is.
- (LAUGHS) He knows.
I know he knows.
If we are referring to Frank, and I believe we are, I certainly, to all intents and purposes, sacked him.
I sacked him hard.
And he, you know, to all intents and purposes, felt how sacked he was.
And, uh, now, it was a tough call.
It was a captain's call, if you will.
Uh, but that's the rough and tumble of politics.
And he was very distraught at the end of it.
He says that you promoted him.
(LAUGHS) I don't I have no idea how he could've come up with that notion.
So, what was the very distraught Frank's function in his newly appointed sacked position? Uh, well, his official remit was to do and say absolutely nothing to anybody about anything and to to prop up the bar.
Well, he has.
He had drinkies with Penny Evans at her farewell, and then he told her that you've been renting out your government-paid premises on BuzzOK.
- Illegal.
- He wouldn't.
He cou couldn't.
He's not that stupid.
He would.
He he is.
And he did.
And then Penny called Caitlin Farquhar.
How do you know that? Because Caitlin Farquhar called here demanding an interview, and she verified Frank as the original source.
Fuck! - A word, Frank.
- It's the only way.
- The only way.
- Yeah.
- Uh, you know Ned? - No, I don't.
A word in private.
We've got a problem, Cleave.
I tell you now, it'll be back to Nicole.
I'll, uh, sack her for you if you want.
No, mate.
It's you.
It's you.
- You spoke to Penny Evans.
- No, I didn't.
- Yeah, you did.
- No, I didn't.
- Yeah, you did.
- Well, as part of my role.
There was a farewell do for her and, uh, I thought it important for me to attend.
And I have to say, I picked up some useful intel.
No, mate, you didn't pick up any Do you know what you picked up? You picked up a glass or six and you probably fucked my career.
No, not having that, mate.
You you told (QUIETLY) You told Penny Evans that I rented out my spare room on BuzzOKs.
- I would never say that.
- Well, you did! Because you were pissed.
Well, mate, setting the record straight, I told her guests paid to stay in your second bedroom.
How is that any different from what I just fucking said, Frank? - I never said 'rented'! - Oh, Mrs God, man! Penny Evans has blabbed the whole thing to the media.
She had no right to.
I told her in strictest confidence.
Mate, this is the person who tried to sue me! Alright? Do you understa? You gave her the one piece of information that could bury me, and then you took time out of your hectic work schedule to go and verify it with Caitlin Farquhar.
High profile.
No such thing as bad publicity.
Yes, mate, there is! There is if it means that I'm then unemployed and/or behind bars for the rest of my days.
- Mate, I hear you.
I'll fix it.
- No, you won't, Frank.
You're fired.
Alright? Finish your drink and piss off.
Wendy! - Hey.
(CHUCKLES) - Oh, hello.
Um, look, uh, I thought you might like to know, it looks like your bill is gonna sail through Parliament.
I've been asking around and apparently both sides of the House are gonna support it.
- That's amazing.
Oh, thank you.
- Yeah.
So, look, I was wondering, maybe you'd like to, uh, celebrate and come to the Midwinter Ball with me? Oh.
Cleaver's actually asked me.
I mean (LAUGHS) .
.
not as a date.
I mean, just as a like, a recognition of what we Cleaver? I thought you were well and truly over him.
In fact, didn't I go to a book launch where you said exactly that? Yes! You did.
It's just that I, you know I spend every day talking to people about their problems and I thought, maybe, you know, Cleaver's not that bad.
He's Oh! I know, he is that bad.
He's that bad.
He's Well You know what, I'm gonna go with him this once, and then I'm Anyway.
- Thanks for asking.
- Sure.
(SIGHS) - (TOILET FLUSHES) - Is everything alright in there? Yeah? Thank you.
Uh, thank you.
Listen, Your Holiness.
Um, if if anyone calls you from a media outlet or comes at you with a camera when you go out today, could you just say that you are a cousin of mine? 'Coosin'.
Coos coosin.
Yes, you're my coosin, on my uncle Ken's side.
- Uncle.
- Yes.
My uncle Ken.
You, his son, you say.
- Uncle Ken.
- Yes.
My uncle Ken is your father.
- No.
Father, Tashi.
- Yes, I know that.
I don't know th I don't KNOW that, but I know Can we? Maybe just Alright, forget Uncle Ken.
Forget Uncle Ken.
This is No uncle You could just say, my you and me are cousins.
- Cousins.
- No Uncle Ken? No Uncle Ken.
Cousins.
- Thank you.
- No, thank you.
What the fuck? What are you? CAITLIN: (ON TV) The briefing ended abruptly with the American President denying he called the Chinese Premier an "all-time pathetic loser", stating it was "fake news from the fake news media".
(CHUCKLES) Fake news.
The bodies of two drowned plumbers were pulled from a sewer today in Canberra.
The bodies were identified as brothers Jake and Gordon Mitherell from Queanbeyan.
REPORTER: Yes, Caitlin.
I'm at the corner of Durden and Fenley Streets.
Rescue workers have just pulled two corpses from the drain here.
The toilet's unblocked itself! The plumbers! You didn't.
You wouldn't.
Have you got an appointment to see me, Joe? Fuck you, Gareth.
Don't you fuck with me.
OK? When you said "with extreme prejudice", please God tell me you didn't mean that literally.
You wouldn't be so stupid.
Julie! Joe McGregor, did he make an appointment to see me? Sorry, Prime Minister? Joe McGregor, does he have an appointment to see me? No, I don't believe he's in the book.
No, he's not, is he? Thank you very much, Julie.
Oh, you're still here, are you, mate? You really should make an appointment to see me.
I'm terribly busy.
I'm going through a Cabinet reshuffle.
You fucking festering little tapeworm.
Arts, Joe.
How do you feel about that? Does it grab you? Opera tickets, opening nights, overseeing the usual cuts? Hmm? Oh, you are just going to have to man up.
Tell them that you didn't know anything about it.
What kind of a moron doesn't know that he's running a hotel out of his own home? Squatters? Oh, right, so I didn't notice them.
You could say that you don't really bother coming to Canberra.
You travel a lot.
I mean, that's sort of true.
Yeah, the kind of truth that gets you buried.
What if you say that you've been sharing it with staff? I've been OKing there.
I mean, say that Frank got confused.
Yes, I like that.
Confusion, staff, you know, fake news.
That's good.
I reckon I might be off the hook.
You think? Come on, come on! Where's the vote of confidence? Where's the esprit de corps? The old, you know, "Team Cleaver!"? What's that? When did that ever exist? Oh, God.
You Mate.
I have a television interview.
Yeah, I know you have.
Drive.
Oh, I beg your pardon.
I need you to drive.
Yes, I heard, mate.
I mean, do we have a problem here? Yes.
Princess needs me by her side.
I don't know if you're on top of this, but I am a senator in the Australian I have done you a number of favours, have I not? Well, yes.
Yes.
And now I am trying to buy you some more time.
What do you mean, buy me time? For what? Your debt.
Oh, yes.
Debt.
So, I need you to drive us to a veterinary clinic.
Oh, alright.
It's just about the whole tone.
- Just drive! - Oh, fuck! Oh, God! I mean, mate.
The bloody viceroyal of Gdansk.
I got this thing, so - How are you, Cleave? - Yeah, good.
How are you? Been a while since we shared a bed.
How are you doing? Ah yeah, very good.
Um It would be nice to catch up socially.
Oh, wouldn't that be nice? Um, so, listen, this, uh this BuzzOK thing, that's nothing.
That's nothing.
You know? So I mean, can we just deal with the big issues? Sure.
I mean, there's a lot going on at the moment.
- The possibility of war.
(CHUCKLES) - Sure.
- You know, global conflict.
- Sure, sure.
There's a lot I'd like to ventilate.
No, I understand.
I understand.
Five, four, three Senator Cleaver Greene, lovely to have you with us.
Lovely to be here, Caitlin.
What were you thinking? BuzzOK guests in an apartment paid for with taxpayer dollars? Surely this is against every conceivable rule? Fake news.
You're joking.
- Fake news - (SCOFFS) from a fake news station.
You are denying having paid guests in accommodation paid for, provided for, by the taxpayer.
- Fake news.
- Fake news? Fake news.
Fake news.
- There are witnesses.
- Liars.
- You appear on their website.
- All of them, liars.
- There is footage - Fake news.
- of English backpackers - Doctored footage.
- wandering in and out.
- Doctored footage.
- Doctored footage? - Paid for by vested interests.
Is that right? More fake news? - More fake news.
- More fake news.
Caitlin, you see, this is where your network has descended to, and you should be ashamed of yourselves, really.
We should be ashamed? There is a world of trouble out there.
The possibility of real global conflict.
- Come on, Senator.
- Conflagration in the South China Sea.
- Did you or did you not - And you want to talk about what's going on in my flat? - I mean, shame on you.
- Did you receive money from guests? I have never received a single payment and I challenge you to find any bank account in my name - In your name? - .
.
that has accepted any payments.
Fake, fake, fake news.
That was utter bullshit, Cleave, even by your standards.
See, I found that quite liberating.
Know what I mean? You just deny it until it goes away.
The trick is you have to believe it yourself.
You won't get away with it, you realise.
Well, I can see there's no point in asking you to stop, so I guess I'll just keep denying it.
I could be persuaded to drop it.
How? Take me to the Midwinter Ball.
- The Midwinter Ball? Why would - I like dancing.
Oh, this is about Gareth, isn't it? It's about the thrill of the ball.
It's about you saying how nice it would be to see me again.
I've already asked someone else.
Well, then I will run the story, pictures, interviews.
OK, OK, OK.
I will need it in writing that you are going to drop the story.
OK? Proper legal writing.
Yeah? Because I trust you about as far as I can spit, and I'm a dribbler.
How very romantic.
Oh, I would love to come.
- Psst! - GARETH: Oh.
Come walk with me.
Does Cal know you're here? No.
Good, good.
Now, I want you to come and work with me.
No more fucking around with those McGregors.
I want you to travel the world.
I want you to be my front of house.
- Uh, Gareth, I am working for Cal.
- Mm.
I have sworn an oath of allegiance to him.
I can't just immediately break that.
How soon could you? Tomorrow.
Tomorrow, then.
So which portfolio is it he most dreads? Health or Veterans' Affairs? - Hm? - I will tell you that tomorrow.
What will you tell me tomorrow? Tomorrow I will tell you that he is terrified you'll give him Veterans' Affairs.
- Mm.
- Alright, you better go now.
Somebody might see you.
Mm.
Oh, shit! I keep having the same dream, Wendy.
And I don't think it means anything, but I'm still in the meat union and we've got the Socialist Alliance all stitched up.
Everything seems perfect but, you see, in my dream, I haven't taken into consideration the allied steelworkers have stacked the centre-left Sydney branch and they want to put up Barry Mangas as a candidate for preselection.
Don't worry about the ball.
Because I've found someone else.
But we should grab a bite.
- David, hi.
Perfect.
- Wendy.
Um I would love to go to the ball with you, if you want me to still, that is? Well, what about BuzzOKs? I don't care.
You do realise that you will never hear the end of this? - I hope you're prepared for that.
- Yes, I am.
- Good.
- Good.
- Great.
- Perfect.
- See you then.
- Brilliant.
Thank you.
Has the 10:45 already come, sir? Sir? Hello? Hey.
Hey.
Hello? Sir? Sir? Hello.
Hi.
Can I get an ambulance? Psst! CAL: OK.
I got Clemens, Walters, Papadreyovic, that bloke from Kyabram, and most of NSW.
You don't have the numbers to roll him, Cal, and you never will.
- Your brother - Half-brother.
is holding a third of the members.
Without him, you don't stand a show.
OK, so what are we going to do? - Well, me, uh nothing.
- What? Today is my last day, Cal.
What? No.
Why? There's no point in trying to hide it from you, I'm going to go work for Gareth.
What price loyalty? Power.
You know that as well as I do, Cal.
This is a knife to my heart.
God.
Look, if you're worried that I'm going to betray confidences, rest assured, that is not the case.
Please do me the courtesy of allowing me some professional integrity.
Besides, if you do get to knife Gareth, I'm going to be with you all the way.
You know that.
Bitch.
(LAUGHS) Oh, that is beautiful.
I was going to give him Arts, but Veterans' Affairs, that is just so right.
(KNOCK AT DOOR) Yes? - It's 11.
The Chinese Premier's call.
- Oh, yes, right.
Where's my bloke? Bring him in.
- She's here and ready.
- Oh.
Oh, you stay.
Hi.
Right.
One.
One.
(SPEAKS CHINESE) Prime Minister I'm feeling some disquiet.
Uh, Mr Premier, I (CLEARS THROAT) I am at a loss.
My cousin's son's wedding in Canberra.
What? There appears to be certain obstacles.
Mr Premier, I had no idea that marriage was one of your relations.
The marriage.
You have shown a degree of discourtesy.
Mr Premier, we can fix this.
We can fix this awful mistake right now.
Perhaps if you could, uh, change the wedding by a night I am of a somewhat bellicose disposition.
Oh, Mr Premier, don't be bellicose.
No need for that, sir.
No need whatsoever.
It's just that the Midwinter Ball is a very important occasion in this country.
(WHISPERS) The Americans? He just mentioned the Americans.
I think you probably got the gist of that, Prime Minister.
He is bringing the Americans into it.
We can fix this, Mr Premier.
We can fix this.
Of course the wedding must go ahead on that night and, sir, it would be a privilege and honour if we were - (PHONE DISCONNECTS) - .
.
to pay for it.
That bastard Evans.
Christ alive, man, do you know what you've done? I've had the Chinese Premier on the phone.
You've created an international incident! What in Christ's name did you say to them?! I told them exactly what you told me to say.
"You can take your fucking tin-pot wedding "and stick it up your collective arseholes.
" Jesus! The fact that this man is the Chinese Premier's cousin's son didn't make you think that perhaps you should override that instruction? I mean, he is the 2IC for their embassy here! Nobody told me that.
You told me that the Midwinter Ball takes precedence over all other bookings.
Alright! Alright, alright.
Is there anywhere else in this godforsaken shithole where we can hold the ball? We could get some screens.
What the fuck are you talking about? We could divide the space into two and make two events.
- What, like side by side? - Yes.
Two at once.
Exciting.
How do we keep the rest of the media away from this BuzzOK bullshit? Cleave I'm not looking.
Frank died this morning.
Apparently he had a heart attack.
At a bus stop.
What was he doing at a bus stop? Where was he going? I don't know.
No, of course you don't.
Fuck.
I'm sorry, but you've got that meeting.
What? You've got a meeting.
Cleave? - Meeting.
- Yeah.
So, now we have cuts to health, welfare, Aboriginal services, rural programs, transport.
Is there anything I'm missing? Also, we might spend money on protecting ourselves from the evil spirit that lurks beneath the blue tarpaulin.
I realise Senator Potter would like to welcome terrorists to our shore with an arrival drink, but this government takes these matters much more seriously.
The point is, Senator McGregor, it is now six months down the line and we are no clearer on who was behind the explosion, or even the nature of the chemical threat to us.
Well, clearly, I'm not going to go into detailed explanations on security matters in an open forum like this, as much as Senator Potter might like to assist his terrorist friends.
Who knows if I'd like to assist them? You failed to produce even one of them! You tell me what is to stop me from marching straight over to new Parliament House right now, lifting the tarp and walking straight in? If you'd like to take that risk, be my guest.
But perhaps you might listen to our chief scientist Seth Gilbert before you do that, Senator.
So how long would it normally take a team of highly trained scientists, using the most elaborate equipment, to determine the chemical nature of a substance? It's hard to give a specific time frame.
Well, the ex-director of the CSIRO and a top British expert told me it would normally take a day or two.
We are dealing with a very tricky beast here, something not known.
There was someone else from the CSIRO who was inside the building on the day of the explosion, and they told me it smelt like a mixture of sodium butyric acid and butane.
What would that suggest to you? Any number of things.
(QUIETLY) Make sure we cut CSIRO's funding again next year.
Would you care to name one? And Frank's eldest son, Brett, who, sadly, is caught up with business in Queensland and couldn't be with us today, though I'm sure his spirit is with us.
He said his dad was a lover of fine wine and often enjoyed a tipple with old mates.
He also, according to his daughter Janny, was always up and ready for a laugh and to lend a hand to those in trouble.
So, that was the Frank we knew.
Are you fucking kidding me? Holy crap.
That's Frank's life wrapped up, is it? A tipple, a laugh, and his son couldn't make it from Queensland? (SOBS) If you have something additional you wish to say Sorry, mate.
I don't I don't even I don't even know the man.
But, come on, I mean, the guy walked the planet for 70-odd years.
I mean, he hated, he loved.
You know, he felt stuff.
He did things.
Jesus Christ.
Enjoyed a tipple and was good for a laugh.
I mean, if Frank had have known as a little kid it was going to end like this miserable farce, he wouldn't have bothered.
(SOBS) Oh, I'm sorry.
I'm I'm sorry.
I don't I don't mean to I I'll tell you what I do remember about your old man.
OK? This is your old man.
I'm this little kid, OK, and it's '69 and I am at the grand final.
Balmain and Souths, alright? And my Bunnies are up by two points, yeah? And Talbot goes off injured for Balmain and your old man, who hadn't got a go all season, alright, he comes on as the emergency, and there are two minutes to go.
And your old man intercepts a Souths pass and he starts running and he runs and he fends off three of our tackles.
He's out there, he's got no support.
He's got no-one to pass it to and he's got every player on my team hunting the man down.
And there are 10 seconds to go.
And Marlow makes this last-minute diving, desperate tackle, and your old man, he leaps five feet in the air, and he flies.
He flies and he planted the bloody thing.
And he buried us.
And I hated him.
Hated the bastard.
But I loved him.
And I I've never seen anything before or since that held a candle to it.
Alright? So, he did that.
Jesus, Joe.
Health! That's going to kill you.
And you helped the man get the job in the first place.
Loyalty in this place is thinner than a bad hair transplant.
Oh.
Are you sure we don't have the numbers to roll him? Well, you and your brother Fuck, really? How many more times? Fuck.
OK, half.
Half-brother.
You have split the party.
OK? He's got more.
Well, at the moment, you own most of them, but not enough.
Shit.
(SIGHS) (DOORBELL RINGS) You're not getting the painting.
I'm not here about the bloody painting.
We need to talk about the next PM.
That private school twat has shafted us both.
Yeah, word is you're getting Health.
Yeah, and you're getting Veterans' Affairs and the Arts.
Oh, fuck! Not the Arts as well.
And he's made that no-gonad Newell party whip.
And he can only do this because we hate each other.
Well, that's the first thing he's got right.
And he knows thatwe will never rise again, unless Unless what? Unless we work together, Cal.
Well, that's not happen, Joe.
What if I throw you my numbers? - (SCOFFS) - Make you Prime Minister? (CHUCKLES) You wouldn't do it.
You made me Treasurer.
And you give me that back.
Then you can become PM.
You ask too much.
He'll do it.
And you sign a legal document relinquishing all future claims to it.
I'll get a pen.
- No, I can't.
- You will.
- It's too much! - Alright.
Then I'll throw my numbers behind Matt Teller.
Well, HE won't get there.
No, but without me, neither will you.
And the rest of your political days will be spent at RSL functions, explaining why it's necessary to make cutbacks to service pensions and opera nights.
What colour do you want? I - Prime minister, Cal.
- It's my painting.
- Prime minister.
- Mmm.
- Black.
- Ugh! Good evening.
A touch unusual, isn't it? You look very beautiful.
Yes, you look - you look beautiful.
- Thank you.
- The dress is Vengani.
- Well picked.
Cuttin' my lunch a bit, huh? And the shoes are Carmetti? Right again.
Who are you? I'm his driver, and you are the beautiful Caitlin Farquhar.
Drive, Cleaver.
You know, I like to drive myself every now and then.
It's a kind of egalitarian thing.
I don't like to get too above myself.
He owes you money, does he? - Would you like some music? - Yes, I would.
Cleaver.
I think this night calls for champagne.
(CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYS) - Ah.
- Vodka.
- Polish vodka.
- I like your style.
Cleaver, open the glovebox.
(CAITLIN AND JAKUB LAUGH) What a waste.
(CHUCKLES) So, I'll come and meet you here at, say, midnight? - OK.
OK.
Out we get.
- Perhaps we can get Cleaver to drive us to this lovely spot.
- (LAUGHS) - Oh, great.
- I mean, how - Or or I could make us an omelette.
- Yum.
- Oh, an omelette.
It's a shame to break this up, isn't it, guys? Oh, Brad.
How are you, mate? Good.
Ah, happy days.
Na zdrowie.
Fucking come on.
Till later! Enjoy the evening.
Yes, well, steady as we go.
Oh! Oh! Whoo! (LAUGHS) Here we go.
- Thank you.
- Thank you, thank you.
Danke.
Now, I, uh have to just have a word with a particular journalist there, if possible.
Ah! What are you doing here? - And you - Hi, Gareth.
I warned you.
And, Anna, come on.
I'm the prime minister now.
Cut that out.
I know, I read the news.
Literally.
She literally reads the news.
Oh look.
Here's the Mrs Prime Minister.
- This is, um - Cleaver.
- Rebecca.
Hello.
- Oh, what a wonderful name.
Rebecca.
Rebecca.
Becca.
That is such a lovely name.
Why is it that I never hear you use Rebecca's name, Prime Minister? Well, I think it's basically because we like to keep our private life, um private.
Mmm.
- Private.
- Well, he does.
- I'm an open book.
- Ah.
Wonderful.
Then let's us girls get to know each other.
Maybe maybe I could even do a story about the women oh, sorry, WOMAN behind the man.
Behind every great man, there's a gobsmacked woman.
Shut up.
Oh, are you kidding me? What bullshit.
What is the I feel like I'm in an elevator that keeps plummeting.
- Come on.
- (CHORTLES) Oh, Cleaver.
Glad to see boarding house duties aren't interfering with your evening.
- Is this a kind of punishment thing? - (LAUGHS) No.
- No, Cleaver.
It's not a punishment.
- OK, well He's just he's my date for the evening.
Oh.
Excuse me for a minute.
Well, then.
And what a charming couple you make as well.
Mmm, thank you.
Alright.
Where's your date? Uh, she's over there, destroying the Prime Minister's marriage.
- (LAUGHS) - Mmm.
- So how are you? - Oh, fuck.
Uh, well, um I've been having trouble masturbating, if you must know.
No, I mustn't know that.
Yes, I don't know what that is.
I think it's symptomatic of a you know, a deeper thing at work there.
I wouldn't have thought so.
Mm.
Frank died.
Who's Frank? Frank.
Frank, my Frank, my head of communication Frank.
Frank who scored the, you know, match-winning try for Balmain in '69 grand finals.
- Oh, Cleave, I'm sorry.
- Yeah.
And there was something about his death, and I can't Well, actually, there was nothing about his death, is the point.
It was like a funeral for 10 you know, kind of I don't know, it's just that now you're here, now you're not.
- No family? - Well, there's a daughter.
You know, she's Ugh, fuck, no.
Come on, let's She's she's from a previous marriage.
At least she turned up.
The son was, um you know, terribly busy.
I don't know.
You get this tiny little timeshare on the planet, in which we all gallop around fretting about our quarterly tax statements and, you know, the price of three-bedroom terraces, and you join clubs and have all these dinners with people you don't like, and then, bang, that's it.
Or am I you know, am I missing something? I think Sorry, this is related to the masturbation thing? Well, yes.
I mean, it's all you know, it's the fading.
You know, it's the evanescence.
- Right, OK.
- The fading out of things, isn't it? I mean, I don't know.
I think about my friendships.
You know, Barney, if I want to see Barney now, I've got to go to Sardinia and buy a book.
And then there's Scarlett.
Scarlett.
And you.
Fuzz.
There's a bit of fading going on, or something.
- Oh, my God.
This'll be interesting.
- Oh! - Hello, Wendy.
- Hello, sister.
- Fuck off, Cleaver.
- Oh, fuck off You fuck off.
You lying bastard! Jane! Jane, what a thrill.
What an absolute thrill to see you.
In Taiwan, saving the world, are you? - No, no, no Now, now - You're a miserable little man.
Hear me out.
There was a change of plans.
Now, I tried to call you, but I think there's there's something wrong with the broadband or Oh, shove it.
But now you are here, the night is just perfect.
Jane, Jane.
Great.
OK.
You got my message.
You're here.
Perfect.
You look absolutely radiant.
Get me a drink, Cal.
Uh well, perhaps a mineral water, sweetness.
A martini, and another martini.
Right.
Jane, could I have a quick word with your husband? Oh, you can do what you like with him.
- You invited her.
- Get used to it, hey? Nothing changes here except our titles, alright? - Fair enough.
- Now, listen.
- Are you sure of your numbers? - Mm-hm.
- Are you? - I think we're on.
When? When? You can topple him tonight, if you want.
Or tomorrow.
Look, I'm just going to go and get my people sorted out.
You go and get yours.
Let's get it out of here, OK, unless you want to spend some quality time with your wife.
Mate, fuck that.
- What's happening? - She's talking to Cleaver again.
- Who? - He's her fucking ex-husband.
Oh, bugger them.
No, why are people leaving the room quickly? Oh, shit.
- It's a coup.
- Fuck me sideways.
- It's a fucking coup.
- Oh Um You, you.
I, uh You, darling, I have to go.
And and when was this? Shit, something big's on.
Vlad, please come and pick me up.
No, he'll be sleeping elsewhere tonight.
I'm really sorry.
I'll be right back.
Yeah? Something's going on.
What's Oh, no, that's just another leadership spill.
It's the two plumbers.
What about the two plumbers? I don't know.
Something big.
Oh.
Oh, well, this is, uh I mean, this is truly shithouse, isn't it? - Mmm, not good.
- What a What a marvellous death by music.
Or perhaps the death OF music.
You know what? That has that has always been your problem.
- Do you realise that? - What? - Death.
- What do you mean? Bullshit.
I don't have a problem with death.
Oh, my God.
You give so many shits about death.
- I don't.
- You're completely haunted by it.
Rubbish.
How can you be haunted by it when it hasn't happened, huh? Do you see? No, you've got this you've got this sort of morbid fear - of being irrelevant.
- No, I don't.
You do! That's why you act the way you do.
You run around like a chook with its head cut off, terrified you're going to miss out on something.
But what you don't realise, Cleave, is that by not OKing still, nothing real knows where to find you.
See, I think it's more a sort of wanking issue.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
I'm going to spoil the surprise.
You are going to die.
You are going to be forgotten, just like everybody else.
I'm really tired.
I'm going to go home.
Oh, hey.
Come on, what about a Come on, how about a little dance, for old times' sake? Come on, to this shithouse music.
- It's They're playing our song.
- (LAUGHS) - Come on.
- One.
Come on, put down your lady bits and MAN: OK, let's keep this party going with the Fandango Singers! (BAND SCATS) - (CHUCKLES) - Oh OK, no last dance.
- Oh, my God.
- I'm going to go.
Oh, no.
This Don't leave me here.
Oh, God.
Oh, hey! You'd come to my funeral, wouldn't you? If I'm not busy that day.
(ALL CONTINUE SCATTING) - Fuck off, Cleaver.
- Oh, you fuck off.
WOMAN: Aunty.
It's so lovely to see you.
The Federal Liberal Party last night bestowed upon me the enormous honour of its leadership.
(LAUGHS) Darling! This is your notice to quit.
You can't do this.
I'm a senator! Your theory is that this was basically sloppy maintenance, made to look like a terrorist attack? He doesn't care if he gets it into evidence.
He's just going to put on his circus act, and all the press will cover it.
Half the money or half a finger.
Half a finger? What are you, fucking Tony Soprano now?