Schitt's Creek (2015) s05e07 Episode Script

1 (Forks clink, music plays) - Hmm.
David.
- Hmm? Perhaps your indigestion is caused by the speed with which you consume your food.
We should do breakfast more often, this is really fun.
Mhmm.
- Hi, Mrs.
Rose.
- Hello, Patrick.
- Care to ensconce yourself? - Oh, I wish I could.
- Um, David? - Hmm? You told me you were just running across the street - for a cup of coffee.
- But then I got hungry.
I hadn't eaten since last night.
It's just that I have to get ready for my audition, and somebody has to be at the store, so.
You're being audited? Those bastards! No, uh, audition.
I'm actually trying out for "Cabaret".
"Cabaret".
You're familiar with the show? Please don't start.
- The year was 1979.
- '79.
Mhmm.
I was but 17.
- She was not 17.
- Ah.
Hostessing at a charming gas station deli, when the great director, Rocky Nickels, came in for a Reuben.
That's a sandwich.
Little did he know, he would end up biting into something - far more suffonsifying.
- Far more suffonsifying.
A ripe young actress who he'd soon cast in the leading role of Sally Bowles.
Sally Bowles, yes.
- In the production of - (In Unison) "Cabaret".
Yes! Ask me how many ovations I got on closing night.
- Six.
- David, you know the answer! That's a lot of ovations.
Mhmm, three by demand, and three on the house.
And who, may I ask, is bold enough to scale this cultural monolith? Jocelyn's actually directing for the community theater, so.
Jocelyn? That's very ambitious of Jocelyn.
Yeah well, I just thought it could be a fun thing to do.
Yes, the exact sentiment expressed by the passengers as they stepped aboard the Titanic.
Okay, well, that's really encouraging.
What?! They were having a rip-roaring bash before that bloody iceberg.
- I'm just gonna get the bill.
- Yeah, I'm gonna go.
- I'll be just two minutes.
- Okay.
Hey, Stevie.
Excuse me, I'll just be a minute.
I just heard from Alexis that Ted's mom, Cheryl, will be coming in from Elm Ridge, and joining us for the weekend.
So uh, I'd like to just keep an eye out for her, okay? She's a lovely woman, very striking, - full-figured - Mr.
Rose! It's Cheryl Mullens.
- Cheryl! - Yes! Oh, I-I-I I didn't recognize you there for some reason.
Well, I lost 80 pounds, I changed my diet, and I started taking Zumba classes.
Well, good for Zumba.
And you haven't changed at all, Johnny.
Still as handsome as ever.
Oh, well, there you go.
Uh anyway, we're gonna put you in our best room, okay? - Aw! - And, tell you what.
It's on us, Cheryl.
- Is it?! - Thank you.
You're a sweetheart.
They don't make men like you anymore.
Well, we try to treat people good.
Try to treat good (Laughs) have a nice room.
Day! Day.
Have a nice day in your room.
(Laughs) - What? - You gonna be okay? Yeah.
(Birds chirp) - Jocelyn! - What the Moira! You really snuck up on me there.
Those shoes do not make a sound.
- Blame Wang.
- What're you doing here? Alas, I was sure there was a council-related symposium here this afternoon, but it appears the room has been set up in an audition configuration? I'm so glad I'm doing it right.
Today is day one of auditions for "Cabaret".
"Cabaret!" Yeah, I actually wanted to do "Cats", but everybody said that it was too political, so.
I'm not sure you're aware of this Jocelyn, but "Cabaret" is the very show that launched my career.
- Right! - Mhmm.
1979, you had a Reuben.
No, but never mind.
I'm simply here to wish you the best of luck.
Moira since you have the strong personal connection to "Cabaret", do you think that you could help me? No, this is your bebe, Jocelyn, and an artistic cradle robber, I am not.
Okay, it's just that I have this actual baby at home, plus a whole lot of term papers to grade.
I wouldn't want to step on anyone's toes.
But if you would indulge me a promenade along memory lane, I'd love to sit in on the auditions.
Okay, if that's as much as you're willing to contribute.
- All righty.
- It's settled, then.
Consider me a silent monarch on the wall.
- Will do.
- Now, Jocelyn is this really how you want to set up the chairs? - No? - Oh God, no! (Bell on door jingles) (Roland sighs) (Chuckles) Roland.
You brought a baby into the store.
Shhh.
Yeah.
And I don't know why I haven't brought him in sooner, this place is perfect.
Thank you so much.
Yeah, they say that babies fall asleep quickest when they're surrounded by an eerie, almost crypt-like silence.
What can I do to shorten your stay in my store, Roland? Oh, uh, Joce wanted me to pick up uh, some of this.
This organic applesauce.
Organic.
Listen to me! Who am I? Gwyneth Paltrow? (Both laugh) No, no, you're not.
- (Cell phone rings) - Ah.
(Roland Jr.
cries) Ooh sorry, I gotta take this.
What about this, though? Uh, hello? Ronnie.
Hi, what's going on? - (Gasps) No! Oh my God! - What? Dave, please, I'm on a private call.
Uh huh, okay, I'll be right over.
Oh boy, sheeesh.
Everything okay? Well, Gwen was trimming that big oak tree behind her place, and she took out a power line, and now there are live wires flailing every which way but loose.
(Laughs) So I guess uh, Rollie Jr.
and I should head over there.
Hey, this applesauce, it's not gonna go bad in the sun, is it? I'd be more concerned about the baby, - but what do I know? - You're right! You know what I'll do? I'll leave 'em both here.
No! No, absolutely not! I have a meeting in half an hour with a potential big money client, and a rogue baby in my store does not present as polished, - or professional.
- He'll be fine.
If he gets cranky, give him some applesauce.
Those are $10 a jar! - Okay.
- Dammit! (Roland Jr.
cries) No, I will not accept that.
No, but I entered that in there already.
Dad, Cheryl wants to take a shower, and all she has is a facecloth.
Oh, okay.
Well, Stevie uh can you run some towels down to room four? - Why do I need to do it? - Okay, what's the big deal? Just walk them over, and drop them off.
Well, Alexis, if you must know, when I was checking Cheryl in this morning, I-I got a bit of a vibe.
Ew, what kind of vibe? I think I might've gotten a whisper of desire.
"Whisper of des " Oh my God! Please never use that phrase like, ever again.
My face was touched.
She was doing this.
She called me handsome! Okay, Cheryl is in a happy marriage.
She just happens to be very like, warm, and affectionate.
Her hand was warm and affectionate.
Ted! Hi! Uh, my mom was just wondering if she could maybe get some towels? Towels? Yes! And perhaps you could take these to her? Oh yeah, sure.
My mom also wants you to join us for lunch today.
She said she won't take no for an answer.
Uh, that would leave Stevie alone here at the counter.
And I-I don't think that uh Oh, but I prefer it that way, though.
Oh my God, Dad, um yes, he can come.
Okay great, I'll go let her know.
She was just saying how she wants to get - to know you better.
- Hmm.
Hmm.
Psh! Shh! Wait! Do you hear that? - What? - It's like a faint whisper of desire.
- That was a good one.
- Thanks! Oh boy.
Don't do that.
Jocelyn: Wow, Bob.
Who knew you were a man of so many talents? Well, I don't need to see any more.
- Bob - Ahem! Moira, is there anything you'd like to add to Bob's audition? I'm just marinating in memories.
Okay well, we start rehearsals But while I marinate, it might be worth observing your giving Bob a slight redirection.
- Mhmm - If that's all right? Oh, I've cleared my afternoon for this.
Okay, uh well, try it um, angrier? You know, like, grr, put your hands on your hips.
Like this? Oh dear.
Okay.
Well, it seems to me, that it would be helpful to both of us if you would just join us here at the table.
Well, there's a note I'm incapable of rebuffing.
You heard the director.
Thank you.
Do you want me to sing "Ave Maria" again? If you must, but I think what Jocelyn is looking for here is a foreboding vibration of pre-war Berlin, easy on the accent.
Roger that, yeah.
(Laughs) Okay, so this is what we call mutual respect.
So if you could just stay like this for the an hour, that would be ideal.
Okay.
- Hi, David? - Tina? - Mhmm.
- Oh my goodness! We are so excited at the prospect of working with "Premium Parties".
- Oh, that's very sweet.
- Yeah, so as you know, we can source basically anything you need when it comes to party essentials.
Gift bags, catering, Shaman-blessed crystals, artisanal Reiki gloves.
For today, I was just hoping to hear about the store, and make a connection with you.
Oh, okay.
Yeah, no, I love making connections.
(Roland Jr.
gurgles) Oh.
Oh no, that's not Oh, I didn't know that you had a little guy! Yeah, his dad is just out right now, but he should be back any time.
Oh yeah, they say that, and next thing you know, it's been an hour, am I right? Yes.
Yeah.
They say it's an emergency, but is it really, Tina? Yeah, so tell me the last time that watching the new "Fast and the Furious" was an emergency! (Nervous chuckle) You know, I have a two-year-old at home.
- Oh.
- How old's this little one? He's um, three to four months.
- Oh, wow.
- Mhmm.
He's huge for four months.
- Mm, big eater.
- Ah.
You know, we-we do sell these delicious granola bars.
You're giving him granola? No, no, I eat the granola bars, while taking care of him.
He prefers um the organic applesauce.
It must be so helpful to have your own little product tester here in the store with you.
You know what? Why don't you take this home with you, try it out on your little one.
You know, I'm actually throwing a baby shower next week, uh, but I mean, that's probably not enough notice for you.
I threw a baby shower for my dear friend, Jocelyn, within a day, I'm pretty sure I can get supplies by next week.
You two might be my new favourite vendors.
(Both laugh) Do you think that maybe he could um, show me around? Yeah.
You want, you wanna show her around, - little tyke? - Show me around.
Hm.
Cheryl: And there he was, naked as the day he was born, just wailing! It had rained, and his cotton candy was melting all down his hand! Yeah, that was fun, but uh, maybe we can start telling some stories about someone else who was naked and crying? Okay, fine, but I think everyone here has already heard about my Vin Diesel adventure.
Mind if I have a fry, Johnny? No, no, go ahead, help yourself.
And if anyone else wants a fry, please feel free to take one.
Mom, I really wish I'd have known about this trip a little bit sooner, I wouldn't have asked Alexis to help me out at the clinic today, and she could've kept you company.
Mhmm, I also wish you hadn't asked me to help out - at the clinic today.
- Oh, don't worry, this was just a last minute whim.
I just don't know what I'm gonna do with those tickets that I bought to the Elmdale Gallery.
Johnny I don't suppose you'd be interested in playing - hooky today, huh? - Oh, no! I haven't played hooky since college.
Dad, I think you can spare a couple of hours to accompany Mrs.
Mullens, who otherwise would be going by herself.
Well, when you put it that way, Alexis, uh, I'd look like a real jerk if I said no.
Then lunch is on me.
A free room and now a hot date with the owner of the motel? (Laughs) Lucky me! Yeah I can't tell you how much this means to me, Mr.
Rose.
Oh, I'm just being a good host.
See, my mom and my Step-Dad separated a while ago.
What? Why have I not heard about this before? Well, I wanted to tell you, but she made me promise to keep it quiet.
You know, small town, people talk.
So Ted, your mom is currently unattached? Yeah, yeah, but she's in a much better place these days.
She's got like, a whole new lease on life.
She told me that she's just going after whatever she wants, no holds barred! Oh, well hopefully, some holds barred.
- Johnny? - Hmm? - I'm ready to go.
- Oh! Um Dad, if you do have too much work this afternoon Well, we're in it now, Alexis.
- Here we go.
Oh, after you.
- Oh! (Laughs) - Please, don't go.
- Are you serious? Jocelyn: Okay, I'm just gonna stop you there.
Thank you.
Um Beth, I was wondering if you could maybe Dig deeper, yeah.
Let's throw away the lines, soften the edges.
Yes, I was gonna say, speak louder, but that also sounds important.
- So why don't we um - Yes, tap her out! You step in, and lay the groundwork for Patrick.
Yes.
You want me to tap in and act with him? Mea culpa, Jocelyn, I sorely underestimated your instincts.
Okay.
Okay, the thing you must understand about Cliff, Patrick, is that he has been with many women, but he's never derived true pleasure from it.
I think I can wrap my head around that.
Okay, when you're ready.
(Patrick and Jocelyn clear their throats) Don't go.
- What? - Please, don't go! Ooh, less desperation.
Are you serious? The hell with Bobby! Maybe I like you here.
Firm, but not loud.
The truth is, Sally, when you're out all night, I can't sleep.
Better, better.
Now seduce her.
Oh my.
Our little bed suddenly seems so empty.
I've never felt this way about anyone.
You truly mean this? Bring it home More than I've ever meant anything.
And, scene! Oh! Whew! Now that is a breakthrough.
Patrick, thank you.
Or should I say thank you to our new Emcee! Oh no, no, Patrick was auditioning - for the role of Cliff.
- Yes, he was.
But we all know you put your biggest talent front and center.
- Isn't that right, Jocelyn? - Sure.
As long as I never have to act again.
Okay, no.
Thank you! (Laughs) We'll-we'll call your people.
I did not think I would find a new vendor today.
Well, sometimes it just clicks.
Here.
Well, why don't I swing back on Wednesday, and pick everything up for the baby shower? Perfect! And I hope I'll see you on Wednesday, too! Hey! - How's my big boy? - This must be Dad.
- Yes.
- Roland Schitt.
Tina Holbridge.
It is so nice to meet you.
I've just been spending the whole afternoon with your two special guys.
Oh, well, you know, Roland Jr.
and I, are gettin' there, but uh, this guy, I've known him for a long time.
You know that he uh, took me shopping once? Yeah, you know what? Are you ready to take um, him? Because I'm sure you have a busy day.
Yeah, I should probably grab him, and go.
I'm sorry, I would've been here sooner, but I got electrocuted three times, and the last time I didn't bounce back quite as fast.
Oh.
Well, the important part is that you're-you're here now.
Yeah, and luckily Gwen's fine, too.
I don't know why she was wearing that rubber dress when she cut that wire, but it saved her life.
- Hmm! - Wow Well, I should probably let you guys have some family time.
I am so looking forward to working with you, David.
Likewise.
(Roland sighs) Hey, sounds like the meeting went pretty well.
It couldn't have gone better! Yeah.
So, if ever you need me to babysit this little one, I have some openings.
Oh, well, that's great, because Joce and I were thinking about going to the movies tomorrow night.
I was thinking next Wednesday between four and five pm.
Mm, yeah, no, Thursday, that's probably gonna be better for us.
Let's go with Wednesday.
(Car rumbles) Thank you, Johnny, for a lovely afternoon.
Well, it's always a thrill to experience a collection of nude photographs with a a new friend.
It was eye-opening.
Johnny, I have something to tell you.
- (Door opens) - Uh huh? Umm, what's going on over here? Hey, you crazy kids.
Hope you didn't have too much fun this afternoon.
Alexis, I was just about to tell Johnny, so I might as well tell you, too.
Ted's Step-Dad and I have separated.
- Oh my gosh.
- Oh! It's for the best.
In fact, I think I've already started to develop feelings - for someone new.
- So soon? - You wanna know the best part? - Not necessarily.
He's charming, and handsome.
Okay, I think we understand where this is going.
And ten years younger! Than? I've fallen for my Zumba instructor.
- Bill? - Bill.
Well, Bill's great! Does this mean that I get his gym discount? - It does! - Awww! (Ted and Cheryl laugh) This is great news.
Isn't this great news, Dad? Yes, yes, I'm relieved - that you're so happy.
- Mhmm.
Thank you for providing such a safe place for me this afternoon.
You know, you remind me of my older brother.
Hey, maybe I should start calling you "Uncle Johnny," then, huh? - Oh, ha ha ha.
- No.
Nope.
Nope.
Mom, come on, tell me all about it.
Oh! I'm just worried about what that young, hot young Zumba instructor is gonna do when he finds out that Cheryl has a huge crush on you.
Okay, Alexis.
But you bought into it for a second there.
Well that was a great day of auditions today, Moira.
Agreed.
Wow, in a desert of mediocrity, you managed to divine a quiet revelation in Ronnie's Fraulein Schneider.
Well, I think you deserve most of the credit.
You know, watching you work with the actors today, I think it was pretty obvious that you should Reprise my role of Sally? Uh, maybe? But There's the age discrepancy.
Bit of a challenge there.
Although I did play Liesl Von Trapp at 50.
Actually working with you made me realize that I may not have the skills to do this.
But you, you were practically directly by yourself today.
Oh, Jocelyn, thank you.
And now I fear I've overstepped.
No, no, no, please! Step all over me.
You should be the director, it's clearly in your blood.
Well, humility forbids me from thinking I could become a quadruple threat that easily.
Please, Moira.
You'd be doing me a favour.
I mean, it's either that, or you could call Mr.
and Mrs.
Tekenos and let them know that their daughter bit another student at school today.
- I accept.
- Thank you, Moira! I am happily stepping down.
In title only.
You will be there with me every step of the way, Jocelyn.
Assistant directing.
- Assistant directing? - Mhmm, some would argue it's even more responsibility than directing.
What have I done? No!