Scrubs s05e07 Episode Script

Living with Elliot was certainly different.
Every inch of her apartment was filled with girly stuff.
There were lavender-scented candles pink robes bath salts.
It was awesome.
My first day off in weeks.
Only one thing could make it better.
Cranking up the Toto.
# I bless the rains down in Africa Mango body butter? Mmm.
Even though it sucks being paged by an intern, there was nothing I like more than riding my scooter, Sasha, through puddles after a rain.
And here comes a big one! Where was I? You're not aware of any sort of odd underground canal system beneath the hospital, are you? I think I saw a manatee.
- Was his name Julian? - We didn't exchange pleasantries.
That's Julian.
Watch it, wet paint.
Kelso's starting a line system to help people around.
Green's gonna go to the smokers' lounge, blue to the ICU, - yellow to all the exits.
- What's red for? Sneaker painting.
OK, I'm here.
What's the emergency, Keith? Do you want Mr.
Fleming on unfractionated or low molecular weight heparin? They're the exact same thing.
Every doctor here knows that.
- Why would you page me? - Because I told him to.
And I know what you're thinking, Dorothy.
Why would I have your intern call you in on one of your very precious days off for something so gosh-darn trivial? But the real question ought to be, why, when you were an intern, did you call me in time after time after time after time? So now, to commemorate the first of many unnecessary disruptions of your life, I've invited Laverne's church choir here to summarize my feelings in exuberant song.
# Payback is a bitch Payback is a bitch # It's just the beginning # But it's payback Oh, it's payback - # Payback is a bitch - # Payback - # Payback is a bitch - # Oh, Lord # Payback is a bitch # # I can't do this all on my own # No, I know I'm no Superman # # I'm no Superman # I gotta get home before anyone asks me to do stuff.
Fat guy! Go, go, go! Move out! Move out! Thank you, fast food industry.
Dorian, I need you to do the residents' call schedules for next month.
Sir, I'm not even supposed to be here.
Me neither, son.
I was one of the most promising young shortstops ever to come out of Altoona, Pennsylvania.
Then came the Dominicans.
Long story short, calling them all Pepe was apparently just racist enough to get me a ban from the Appalachian Rookie League.
Have the schedules on my desk by lunch.
That's gonna be us someday.
How does that not make you nervous? I mean, what if our kid's out of control? I was watching Webster last night.
Webster got all into the pancake mix.
I mean all into the pancake mix! Oh, Turk, that's a stupid sitcom.
I mean, that's a sitcom.
What if the second our baby's born, I start screwing things up? Oh, baby, I can't believe it! OK, either the heat in my office is broken or I drifted off and fantasized about Rudy Giuliani again.
He's not even sexy! Right, baby? - Rudy, don't stop.
- Baby! Relax, she's only fantasizing 'cause you don't satisfy her.
Anyhoo, can someone take Jack for a minute? - No problem! - Thank you.
Come on.
See, Turk? I'm great with kids.
You don't have to check in as a parent until you to teach our son about sports.
And satisfying women.
'Cause I know how to satisfy a woman, right, baby? I'm sure you can.
That's what I'm talking about.
Done.
And I am outta here.
Damn it! Keith, stop paging me for totally unimportant things.
That man's chest cavity is completely open.
I can see his heart beating.
He sneezed and all his surgical staples popped out.
Good page, Keith, good page! OK, rocktors That's my name for doctors who rock.
Next patient.
Since her fellowship, Elliot loved that her interns saw her as an endocrinology expert.
Dr.
Reid, why would Mr.
Baum develop new onset diabetes and high blood pressure simultaneously? Well, as an endocrinology expert, in my expert opinion, both can be expertly explained by an adenoma causing Cushing's syndrome.
Hate to burst your bubble, Barbie, but your endocrinology fellowship lasted all of five days.
Granted, to you, five days may seem like an eternity, seeing as it's roughly five times as long as any of your pasty relationships have lasted, but trust me, that hardly makes you an expert.
Really? Because you never went to ass-face school, but you seem to be an expert at that.
Am I right? Here's some! You're going to high-five that? Big mistake! I didn't know what I was high-fiving.
I gotta stop doing that! - Did you eat my Mango body butter? - No.
I schmeared it on a bagel.
Dr.
Kelso, what's up? I just heard that we're doing our first ever in-house heart transplant.
I know you'll be objective in choosing which surgical resident assists, but I also thought you might enjoy this commemorative Dr.
Kelso bobblehead.
Oh, Bobbleheads.
You think you're gonna get bored with them, but you never do.
Bobbily, bobbily.
- Sir? - Huh? Oh, Turkelton, you're still here.
Did you think you'd be the only surgeon to walk in here and try to bribe me? Inflatable-five.
None of you will be assisting because we still don't have a donor heart.
Last night, Mr.
Bolger here was declared brain-dead.
We have to convince his family to pull the plug and give us his heart.
Whichever one of you Benihana rejects pulls this off gets the operation.
Go! My band has decided we're only singing songs from classic movies now.
Ted, I'm a little busy, OK? Toodles.
Dr.
Reid, what are the possible cardiac complications to thyrotoxicosis? Hmm.
Um hold on, I just have to blow my nose.
Though I was happy for Elliot the endocrinology expert, I couldn't figure out how she knew so damn much.
# Just a steel town girl on a Saturday night # Looking for the fight of her life To answer your question, thyrotoxicosis can manifest with incessant tachycardia, leading to a cardiomyopathy.
# Locking rhythm with the beat of her heart # Changing music into light # She has danced into the danger zone # When the dancer becomes the dance # It can cut you like a knife # If the gift becomes the fire # On a wire between will and what will be! # She's a maniac, maniac # On the floor # And she's dancing like she's never Therefore, Mr.
Langley's pancreatitis is most likely secondary to gall stones.
Wrong-o, Perry! Mr.
Langley's pancreatitis is most likely due to type I familial hyperlipoproteinemia as demonstrated by the eruptive xanthomas on his Achilles tendon.
Interns, flee, now.
Now, there is just no way you could have known that off the top of your straw-covered scarecrow head.
Hold on, I need to take a mental picture of your humiliation.
Got it.
There are actually many things in life that I've yet to figure out, like why men wear cell phones on their belt when they could so easily fit them in their pocket, millimeters away.
Or why, and I'm not complaining, women wear tube tops even though every ten seconds it makes them to do this: "Get back in there!" But, of all of my endless queries, the one thing I damn sure will figure out, and soon, is how you keep coming up with all these fancy-pants answers.
It is, for all intents and purposes, like they're falling from the sky.
Excuse me! Can anybody else watch this kid for a second? She'll be all right.
I wonder what's taking Jordan so long.
Oh, my God! It's like 130 degrees in here! Oh! I have got to get out of here! I think the silicon in my lips is expanding.
I gotta talk to the Bolgers about their son's heart, but I can't find them.
- Oh, they're in the doctors' lounge.
- Oh, my God, Laverne, I love you.
If any other surgeon asks about them, you send 'em someplace else.
The cafeteria, the zoo, I don't care.
I'm going to get my heart! We're just not sure, Dr.
Turk.
When an opportunity is slipping through their fingers, even a doctor can succumb to one of the basest human impulses.
You know, I've donated an organ.
They can lie.
See, my buddy, he was he was sick, and so I gave him one of my kidneys.
But my son has only one heart.
But a short time after that, I donated my other kidney.
We're gonna check on our son.
The coast is clear.
Just a few more steps and you're outta here.
J.
D.
, I need to talk to someone.
- Here, take him.
- What? - I'm not - Come on.
Hey, wait! No! Dr.
Reid, our hospital lecture series is tonight and our psychologist, Dr.
Burk, had to cancel his talk on fear of public speaking.
Why? Because he's afraid of speaking in public? Yeah.
No.
His depression finally got the best of him and he hung himself.
Anyhoo, we need a speaker and Dr.
Cox suggested you'd be the perfect person for an intensive Q & A on endocrinology.
Be in the classroom at six.
And Barbie, say, if it's cold in there, you can just borrow my lab coat.
It's super warm because I lined it with these.
J.
D.
, I have to admit this to somebody: I don't like kids! What? You're the most maternal person.
I'm a nurse! I'm trained to fake it.
I don't see what's so adorable.
"You made a poopie!" I'm supposed to be impressed? There's a monkey at the zoo who can do that.
When he's not playing with himself.
If you don't want to have a baby, don't.
But I want to have a child with Turk more than anything in the world.
It's crazy, but I'm a girl.
It's how we roll.
What am I gonna do? I'm supposed to be the brave one.
Dude, you gotta help me out.
A hospital can sometimes feel like a magical place, where people's hopes and dreams are often far from ordinary.
Whether they're looking for brains, a heart or courage.
As for me, I was just gonna keep on following that yellow line, and hope I'd eventually get back home.
- So how was the zoo? - It was awesome.
They had lions and tigers and bears.
Oh, my! Hey there.
Dude, it was awful.
I couldn't stop lying to them.
I only have two moves.
If surgery goes well, the fake modest nod and wink.
Now, if surgery goes bad and the guy dies, there's always the head-shake, sad walk-away.
- Turk, Toto and I are going home.
- Fine! - OK, I'll help.
- Thank you.
How do I tell these people they should let their son go? Try and imagine what they're going through.
I think about what it's gonna be like when you die.
You think I'm going first due to my diabetes.
Right.
Where do we meet up in heaven? At the milk shake pool on the lesbian cloud.
I'll see you there, player! I love religion.
If someone tried to pull the plug on you without being honest, you know where they'd end up? Hell, watching The View.
Next to the super-high, unreachable cupcake table.
After trying to get out of the hospital vertically, I decided to go the horizontal route, hiding in a body bag.
Can you press "lobby" please? Doug! Why are you hitting me? I thought you were dead, coming back to life! - Then why were you hitting me? - Dead people should be dead! - There you are! Come on.
- No, no! Elliot, I'm not even supposed to be here today! I'm going home! So if I understand correctly, you left my only child with a creepy, borderline psychotic who hates everyone.
That's different from leaving him with you? - I have freckles.
- Oil can.
Oil can! - Thank you.
- Hey, you.
Where's my son? He's playing with the birds out on the ledge.
- What?! - I'm kidding! Come on.
He's green.
Come on.
The little nipper got ahold of a paint gun when I was painting this line to the smokers' lounge.
Thanks to him, I got halfway down.
You look familiar.
You ever play ball in Pennsylvania? Pepe? Mr.
Bolger, look, before you throw me out of here I just want to apologize about earlier.
I don't know what I was thinking.
But rest assured, from here on out, whatever you ask me, I'll be completely honest with you.
Do you shave your head because you like the way it looks or you're going bald? Bald.
OK, next question.
Those topical treatments Let's just say I wasn't completely functional.
Why are all the surgical residents being so relentless about my son's heart? Because whichever one of us convinces you to pull the plug and donate his heart gets to assist in the transplant.
You're talking about my son here.
And you don't even know him.
What's his name? Ray.
How you doing, Ray? Now ask me if I think it's the right thing to do, even if you request that I don't assist.
Do you? Yes.
I'm really sorry.
There is no way I'm gonna pull this off! I'm going to have a roomful of specialists firing questions at me.
I'm gonna be a bigger fraud than Barry Bonds! You know he's an athlete of some kind.
Just say something general.
Still, I love it when Bonds wins at the game that he plays.
You know how people become specialists? They obsess about the material over and over again until it's lodged in their brains.
That's exactly what you've been doing.
Watch.
Where's the closest page you've hidden around here? You are good! All right, look.
What's the leading differential in an obese woman suffering from amenorrhea and hirsutism? Polycystic ovaries.
Oh, my God.
I knew it! Up here! Dr.
Cox? Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain.
Why aren't you freaking out? Look at him.
Your kid's all green and slimy.
I suppose it's because, when Jordan was pregnant, I mentally prepared myself for her giving birth to something green and slimy.
- Where is Jordan anyway? - The wicked witch of the east wing? Help! I'm melting in here! Anyone! Help! I'm melting! So he's green.
Don't beat yourself up, Carla.
Come on.
So far, on my watch, he's gotten stitches, cut his own hair and eaten over four dollars in change.
Honestly, if I ever need to feed the parking meter, I just check the diaper, don't I? You don't understand.
I didn't dump him on the Janitor because I was busy.
I dumped him because he was working my last nerve and I wanted to smush his face.
I'm not meant for this.
Carla, look at me and Jordan.
You know how we hate everyone? Yeah.
Well, that goes doubly for children.
True.
They're loud, you can't understand them, they're like tiny cab drivers.
But trust me, when you do have your own kid, you won't feel that way.
Yeah? What'll be different? He'll be yours.
I was watching that.
Why don't I just tell you what happened? Philip gets Webster the dog despite George's objections.
It was good.
Now, on your feet.
They need you in the OR to assist on the heart transplant.
The Bolgers said yes? Mr.
Bolger wanted you to have this.
- His son's driver's license? - Turn it over.
Every so often, a wizard comes to tell you what you need to hear.
Seems like you had a heart all along.
- Superior vena cava? - Right.
Yes! See? You had the brains all along.
Trust me, Carla.
When you do have your own kid, you're gonna find you had the courage to be a parent all along.
Thank you.
# Ooh, ooh, ooh # Somewhere # Over the rainbow # Way up high # Ooh # There's a land # That I've heard of once # In a lullaby # By-hi-hi # Someday I'll wish upon a star # Wake up where the clouds are far behind # Me-e-e-e # Where troubles melt like lemon-drops # High above the chimney tops # That's where you'll find me # Somewhere # Over the rainbow # Bluebirds fly # Birds fly over the rainbow # Why, then, oh, why can't - Dorothy, you're going home, are you? - Yup.
# If happy little bluebirds fly # Beyond the rainbow # Why, oh, why # Can't # I # Ooh # Ooh ooh ooh ooh #