Silicon Valley (2014) s05e07 Episode Script

1 Richard Do you think if I asked they would let me visit her? RICHARD: Jared, she's going to be okay.
I promise.
[RIPPING.]
[SIZZLING.]
- [UPBEAT MUSIC.]
- The brilliant little idiot.
He found a way around the patent.
It's Hendricks' Internet, but it's not Hendricks' Internet.
I will no longer be able to manufacture your boxes.
You see, my company will be manufacturing a new device that will quickly render yours obsolete.
Did you speak to Laurie about our series B? RICHARD: Sort of.
[RETCHING.]
Nothing is personal with Laurie, alright? It's what makes her such a great VC.
A term sheet for your series B.
Congratulations, Richard.
Thank you.
RICHARD: Wow.
That is one expensive bottle.
You guys deserve the best bottle of champagne they have.
Yeah, all champagne tastes the same to me, so.
I agree, I mean, what's the difference between good champagne and bad champagne? About $500.
Guys, come on.
Enjoy it.
You're about to close a $30 million series B.
And you don't have to sell any ads or harvest user data, which for any other VC in town would've been a non-starter.
Frankly, I'm surprised that Laurie went for it.
Well, I'm not wild about the idea of her having two more board seats.
I mean, she did kill Fiona right in front of us.
Listen, don't worry about Laurie, okay? I'm gonna be your point person on this.
She's got her plate full.
She's raising money to recover from the whole Eklow debacle.
Okay.
So to you guys.
All right.
- Cheers.
- Cheers.
RICHARD: Yup, thanks.
All right.
I have a dinner meeting and I kind of feel like a fifth wheel, so I'm gonna pick up the check, leave you to celebrate.
- Congrats again, guys.
- Okay.
JARED: Bye.
Well, the only person we don't spend 20 hours a day with just left.
So.
What's new with you guys? Well, I'm thinking of buying some new bookkeeping software.
All right.
I think the only actual way to celebrate is to spend one waking minute apart, so.
I'm gonna go.
Are you going home? Let's let's share an Uber.
Oh, well, if you're going that direction, I'm I'm driving, so I could drop you.
DINESH: Hey, Gilfoyle.
Wanna play Fortnite? Oh, hold on, I didn't know we were playing Fortnite.
Yeah, I'll come along.
[THEME MUSIC PLAYS.]
I would've taken that plate to the sink for you.
Uh, it's okay.
I just finished, so.
How was the sandwich I made you? Was it good? Good condiment blend? Yeah.
It was perfect, thanks.
Richard.
This might be out of line, but would you mind telling Jared how much you enjoyed the sandwich? I'm finding him a little intimidating.
Sure, yeah.
Look, I know he can be a little eccentric.
I tend to hold my breath around him.
It's exacerbating my asthma.
Ooh, okay Richard, do you have a moment? You know what? Holden just made me a really good sandwich.
Oh, well, that's nice.
Yeah.
Yep.
[CLEARS THROAT.]
Did he ask you to mention that to me? What? No.
- Okay.
- No, he's he's just great.
Well, "In doing what we ought, we deserve no praise" because it is our duty.
" St.
Augustine.
So, um I've been keeping track of the compute credits that you gave to Laurie.
And she sold them to Gigglybots and then Gigglybots sold them to SmashHub.
And they traded hands a few more times, the price increasing each time until they were bought by a venture fund in Mountain View.
Okay, uh, so if we wanted to buy them back, how much would it cost us? It's $1.
6 million.
- What? - The fuck? - More like that? - Yeah.
DANNY: So Dinesh, is it true? Is series B happening? We all heard it's happening.
Oh, guys, please, you know I can't talk to you about upper level management stuff.
It's totally happening.
Look at his face.
He has the worst poker face.
No.
Don't Don't look at my face.
This is great news.
We're all getting big, fat bonuses.
I was a little worried I made a mistake ordering that Tesla.
Sorry, Tesla? What Tesla? Model S.
Same as yours.
I mean, not exactly the same.
I ordered the P100D.
Newer model.
It's got longer battery life You know what? This is a workplace.
This is not a fucking slumber party, gabbing, gabbing.
And series B is not a done deal.
Despite what my face says, okay? Don't trust this face.
No one should ever trust this face.
Congrats on the Tesla, Danny.
So excited for you.
Series B, baby! Fuck Danny.
I mean, I love my Tesla.
It has Insane Mode, which means it goes zero to 60 in 3.
2 seconds, which is literally insane.
But the Tesla that Danny ordered has Ludicrous Mode, which means it goes zero to 60 in 2.
8 seconds.
So it's gonna take me an entire 0.
4 seconds longer to get to 60.
I mean, how would you feel if one of your neighbors got a tiki head bigger than yours? Oh, well, when we bought it, we made sure it was the biggest one they made, so.
You're the biggest tiki head guy in the neighborhood.
I used to be the Tesla guy in the office.
I maxed out my credit cards to be able to afford that thing.
And now that we're getting series B, any one of these bourgeois new money millennial fucks can just go out and buy one.
I don't wanna sound selfish, but sometimes I wish only I made money.
You know? What are we talking about, here? You want us to launch a cryptocurrency? I do.
The fact that people are willing to pay many multiples more for our compute credits than they're worth, we have an opportunity here.
Worth is relative, Richard.
What do you mean? Why do people covet the silly pieces of green cotton paper in their wallets? It's because we are all sheep.
And we've mutually agreed to endow certain things with value.
And right now, for some reason, the market values our credits more than we did.
Gilfoyle, we're not gonna suddenly pivot and become a digital currency company.
I'm not proposing a pivot.
I'm proposing that we sell digital currency as a way to finance our new Internet company.
You wanted an alternative to Laurie Bream.
Well, it's right here in front of you.
PiedPiperCoin.
Okay, look, I I'm not gonna bet the entire future of my new Internet and everything I've worked for on becoming the next Bitcoin.
You really expect me to do that? There are very few things that I will defend with true passion: medical marijuana, the biblical Satan as a metaphor for rebellion against tyranny, and mother fucking Goddamn cryptocurrency.
Mmm.
I have a PowerPoint that I've been wanting to show you for some time.
GAVIN: Walk me through this.
We can't make our boxes in China because Yao has threatened every manufacturer in the country.
- That's right.
- We can't afford Bangladesh, because the workers have unionized.
Sadly, correct.
And we can't use our place in Laos, because one person gets her scalp ripped off and suddenly, everyone's screaming regulations.
Yes.
You know, you hear a lot of chatter about the growth of the global economy, but no one wants to talk about the downside.
Gavin, there is one other manufacturing option we haven't discussed yet, which considering the current circumstances, might be worth consideration.
I'm open to anything.
America.
Fuck you.
I feel the same way.
But we were recently contacted by the mayor of Goldbriar, North Carolina.
They had a DVR manufacturing plant that closed.
The retooling would be minimal.
SCOTT: They've got a skilled labor pool just sitting idle and they sound desperate.
Really? How desperate? It was pitiful.
Really? In 350 BCE, Aristotle defined sound money as being durable, transferable, divisible, scarce, recognizable.
- Gilfoyle? - And fungible.
What? Can we skip ahead 2,400 years? I mean, I know what cryptocurrency is.
Richard, a lot of work went into this presentation.
- Okay.
- Fine.
But you're missing out on a lot of wisdom, here.
Why don't you tell me what you know about Bitcoin as a jumping-off point? Okay, sure.
Uh, well, I'm pretty sure it was founded by a Japanese guy Or guys, or girls, going by the name Satoshi Nakamoto in 2008.
True identity still unknown.
Okay, look, every day I read an article about how we're in a Bitcoin bubble.
And who is writing those articles? I don't wanna say the establishment.
But is it possible that Warren Buffett called Bitcoin a pyramid scheme because he has 92 billion conventional dollars to protect? Let's say he's right.
Let's say Bitcoin dies.
So what? MySpace, Friendster, they both died.
But they paved the way for other social media tripe like Facebook and Twitter to completely overrun the planet.
Crypto is out there.
And it's not going away.
It just feels sketchy.
In the same way that a new Internet is sketchy, Richard? - Well - What is crypto? If not decentralized, anonymous, secure, and an existential threat to the powers that be? I would think that you'd be all-in on something like that.
Yeah.
But do you really think we can create a currency worth $30 million? Because that's what we'd be giving up.
Maybe.
Probably even more.
But even if it's less, we would still gain control, autonomy, board seats and shares, and you wouldn't have to rely on a VC who once fired you from your own company.
So, there is a mode above Ludicrous Mode.
Am I correct? Yes.
It's called Plaid.
And it comes standard on the new Tesla Roadster.
How do I get into one of these babies? Simple.
You put down a $50,000 deposit today.
Okay.
And you'll be behind the wheel as soon as they become available.
And how quickly will that be, Stephanie? Soon.
We're thinking a few years, which goes by fast.
My daughter was a teenager in high school.
- Next thing I knew - I'm gonna stop you right there.
Your oily salesmanship is starting to really irritate me.
Okay? I need to maintain my Tesla superiority, and I need to do it now.
Okay, I'm looking at a new set of wheels here.
The 21-inch Arachnids.
Very nice.
But they're not for sale.
You can only get them through our referral awards program.
You refer three other customers to us, they buy a vehicle and, zoop-zoop, you get the wheels.
So, if I get more people to buy Teslas, then I will have the wheels and no one else can get them? Not even Danny? I'm sorry, who's Danny? He's the guy with the shitty wheels.
MAJOR WILKINS: And now, the CEO of Hooli, Mr.
Gavin Belson.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
Thank you, Mayor Wilkins.
Thank you, Goldbriar, for this warm, wonderful welcome.
You know, being in North Carolina always feels like a bit of a homecoming for me.
I own a vacation property just off the coast in Bermuda.
Technically, it is my primary legal residence.
Good people of Goldbriar, for too long, foreign interests have used unfair trade and labor practices to plunder American wealth and steal American jobs.
But I don't blame them for that.
No.
I blame weak, spineless American politicians.
But if your mayor does his job, your jobs will come back, and soon, you will proudly be building the Gavin Belson Signature Box Three.
- [APPLAUSE.]
- But if for some reason he can't make my very reasonable proposal work, you know who to blame.
I'm excited to get started.
What about y'all? [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
[MARCHING BAND PLAYS.]
[DRAMATIC STING.]
[SIGHS.]
- JARED: Hi, Holden.
- Oh.
[DRAMATIC STING.]
Jared.
Hi.
Hi.
Can I ask you a question? Of course.
Did you ask Richard to tell me that he liked the sandwich that you made for him? No.
Is that the truth? Yes.
Okay.
Okay.
Good job with that plate.
Thanks.
[INHALES DEEPLY.]
DINESH: Now, I can see the looks on your faces.
I know what you're thinking.
Why does Dinesh care so much if I buy a Tesla? I'll tell you why.
Because Teslas are good for the world.
Surprisingly pedestrian wheels, but you get over that.
So, come on.
Series B, right? Cha-ching.
I was gonna use that to pay off my student loans.
That's boring.
And don't take this the wrong way, but it seems like it's very important for you to be the Tesla guy in the office.
Like, weirdly important.
I'm not weird, you're weird.
You guys are being so weird.
Come on.
What's it gonna take to get you into a Tesla today? Here.
I've printed out hundreds of these.
There you go.
There you go, pass these on.
Dave? Dave? All right, what's this interesting idea? Gilfoyle and I were talking.
And this may seem a little out there at first, but Instead of funding our launch with a series B, what about an ICO? An initial coin offering? It's basically a Are you a fucking moron? Maybe I don't need to be here for this.
Sit the fuck down.
Okay.
Richard, what are you doing? Just exploring our options.
Why? You don't think I have your back? Look, I get that you're giving up board seats and shares, but look what you're getting in return.
As if the $30 million you were getting wasn't good enough, we provide you with marketing, networking, staffing.
We help you negotiate partnerships and navigate regulations.
All these things that are changing by the minute.
Gilfoyle, can you help with any of that? I'd rather just listen if it's all the same to you.
Look, if you do an ICO, you're not only saying fuck you to us, you're saying fuck you to all VCs.
Jesus, Richard.
Why would you even think it would be okay to talk to me about this? Like would you ask your wife who you should cheat with? No.
Well, maybe.
I don't know, I I guess I was just looking for advice from a friend.
Oh, are we friends, Richard? - Yes, of course.
- Really? Have we spoken once in the past year about anything other than business? Yes.
Wait.
No.
- When's my birthday? - Come on.
Do I live in a house or an apartment? Did you even know that I was married? - You are? - I was, I had it annulled after three months.
Did he ask you who he should cheat with? Look, you came for advice, fine.
Forget an ICO.
Okay? I'm sure Gilfoyle told you that he can handle all the technical stuff.
But this is not just a math problem.
They're my direct competition.
I've done my homework on this.
So before you walk away from stability and gamble your entire company on crypto, there's another "friend" of yours I think you should talk to.
I was such a fucking pussy when Bitcoin broke, Richard.
If I had the balls, I'd have put every penny I had into that shit five years ago, watched it go up, up, up, up, up and then pulled out right before it all came crashing down again.
I mean, Jesus, why didn't I do that? Fuck me! But then, it occurred to me I own 36 fucking companies, Richard.
If I make them all ICO, that's 36 bites at the apple.
So I did it.
- You you did 36 ICOs? - Yup.
- Did they work? - You know, one of the things being in the three comma club has taught me, Richard, is it's not always about money.
Sometimes, it's about wisdom.
And did I lose a B? Close to it.
Fuck! But I bet I gained two B in wisdom.
So you lost it all? Ha, ha, Richard, if I didn't love this crazy guy so much, I'd knock his fucking teeth out.
Nah, nah, I didn't lose it all.
I mean, one of them got shut down by the SEC.
On a few, we got scammed.
But some of them worked.
One of them worked.
One? One out of 36? Yeah.
Listen, all the coin I had from the ICO that worked was on a USB thumb drive.
And my dumb fucking housekeeper threw out my jeans, 'cause they were ripped.
Even though I paid more for the ripped ones.
And the thumb drive was in the pocket, so.
$300 million in crypto is buried out here, somewhere.
But my boys will find it.
If they wanna get paid, right? And when they do, that coin could cover all the losers.
I mean, it's up 3,000% in the last two weeks.
If it keeps going like this over the next three, four months, we could be talking the four comma club! - That's a T, not a B, Richard.
- [MAN WHISTLING.]
- Mr.
Hanneman! - Shit, you found it? [LAUGHS.]
Jose! Yes! No! I said a thumb drive.
In the that's an actual thumb.
That's a human Just fucking put that back! Again, Richard the math is sound.
Well, Mayor, I sure have enjoyed our time together.
Let me know when you get this done.
Uh, Mr.
Belson, I'm sorry, but this list of demands is not remotely workable for a community of our size.
A mayor's job is never easy.
But you'll find a way, if you care about your constituents.
Mr.
Belson, I grew up in this town.
I've lived here my entire life.
- I'd do anything to - Wait, wait, wait, wait.
- Your entire life? - Mm-hmm.
- How old are you? - Forty-seven.
That's a little weird, isn't it? The point is, I'd do anything to help the people of this area.
But giving you public money on this scale would decimate our budget.
I could have the local high school renamed after you.
Rosa Parks has never even been to Goldbriar.
I don't want a fucking high school.
I wanna manufacture boxes at an 80% profit margin.
I don't understand.
All my asshole friends keep getting NFL stadiums and corporate headquarters, all fully paid for.
And you can't make one fucking factory happen? I mean, the only things I have left to cut are essential services.
There you go.
Do that.
You could have a volunteer fire department.
Because I can't afford a penny more than this.
MAN: Everybody ready? [BLOWS PITCH PIPE.]
Two, three! - Oh Carolina prowl off - Do-do-do-do Jump an prance, oh Carolina - Prowl off jump an prance - Do-do-do-do Oh Carolina gal prowl off - Gal Yuh fi jump an prance - - Prowl off - Do-do-do-do Jump and prance - [JET ENGINES REVVING.]
- Carolina come bubble 'pon me Oh, watch how she groove DINESH: So, pretty sweet, right? WOMAN: Yeah, it's nice.
Sorry we couldn't find a safe spot to try Insane Mode.
It feels like your kidneys are gonna get, like, ripped right through the back of your body.
- It's like - Yeah, I don't think I'd wanna do that.
Well you don't need to do it.
But you wanna be able to tell people that you can do it.
Right? It's like having a gun.
So, Charlie and Nadia have already said yes.
You'll finally have something to talk to them about.
Oh, let me think about it.
Fine.
Okay, just pull into the designated EV 2.
8 seconds.
Oh, fuck.
Danny already got his car.
I'll pay your down payment and first three months.
Do we have a deal? Wow, really? Make it six months.
Fine! Okay, just go.
Hide before Danny sees us in this shitty car.
- Go, go, go.
Go.
- Wow, uh [PHONE VIBRATING.]
Hello? Hey, guess what? My boss just bought me a car! What? No! Ew.
Ugh! Richard? Ron LaFlamme's office just called.
And the series B paperwork is ready for you to sign.
Okay.
Uh, well, then I guess I'll just go over there and sign it.
Richard, I know you were pinning your hopes on the ICO, but I I think series B is the right call.
Yeah, no, I I hope so.
We're gonna get the money we need to launch, and everyone out there is gonna get a great bonus.
And then, you're gonna have an army of happy and highly motivated workers RICHARD: Jared? Everything okay with Holden? You mean, like, mentally? I was wondering that, too.
No.
No, no.
Just, like like, with you and him.
Just seems like you're being really hard on him.
Do you like him? Yeah.
I mean, sure.
Okay.
It's okay if you like him.
That's all that matters, right? Yeah.
Okay.
Well, I'll see you when, uh I'll see you when you get back from LaFlamme's.
[DRAMATIC STING.]
LAURIE: Every institutional investor to whom I reached out agreed to participate in our second fund.
The capital issues we faced due to Eklow's failure have been remedied.
Laurie, you are a badass.
Ah, yes.
A compliment.
Well, I think the numbers in our new prospectus speak for themselves.
Sorry, you're projecting that 70% of Pied Piper's operating income is gonna come from ad sales, but Pied Piper's not gonna sell ads.
Yes.
I understand that is their current position.
No, Laurie, when we offered them their series B, I promised Richard that we would never make them harvest data or sell ads.
However, that language is not part of their term sheet.
I am not saying that we will force their hand on this issue.
But neither am I saying definitively that we will not.
Okay, but you and I, we are partners, right? Of course.
Any decision we make, we will certainly make together.
Good.
As long as that's clear.
And again, great job closing our funding.
Ah, yes.
Huzzah.
Onward.
Laurie, did you have the big, hairy question put back on my wall? Yes.
I like it there.
But I don't.
And yet All right.
One more, right there.
And done-zo.
Series Ba-bam.
Richard, don't sign it.
Look, I can't protect you.
At some point, Laurie's gonna fuck you over - and make you sell ads.
- What? And I don't think there's anything I can do about it.
Don't sign the deal.
I just did.
It's done.
Jesus Christ.
Laurie's gonna sell ads.
Isn't that what I told you? What the fuck am I supposed to do now? - [BANG.]
- God! You know I can just tear these up, right? No, I know.
Good.
- GAVIN: I like it.
- But can we adjust the proportions? Make the logo bigger? And and make the flag bigger? And and make the box bigger, too.
It all just needs to be bigger.
Okay.
- Bigger.
- Yeah.
- Sir.
- Ah, Hoover.
How's the factory coming? We almost online? Not exactly, sir.
It's gone.
What do you mean? Did that dipshit mayor renege on our deal? No, he made every effort, including having the factory repainted.
Okay.
So what's the problem? Well, apparently, the painters left some oily rags in a garbage can.
Mm-hmm.
But because of cuts to the sanitation service, the trash was not collected and the rags smoldered and caught fire.
And because of cuts to the fire department, the blaze spread.
A number of concerned citizens volunteered to help fight the fire, but because the water was cut off, they could not.
Okay, so what happened? Well, the vast majority of our expensive, rare earth materials survived the fire.
Well, that's something.
Until the flames abated, when because of mass layoffs of police, the locals that were there to fight the fire decided instead to loot the burned-out factory.
The National Guard attempted to reach the factory to help stop this, but - The roads.
- The roads, sir, yes.
Okay.
So, we lost it all? - Everything? - Yes.
Also, the IRS called.
Somehow, they found out about Bermuda.
Look, when you take it all into account, turning down our series B and doing an ICO to fund your launch, may actually give you the best odds.
You said ICOs are suicide.
Well, I'm a VC and some of that might have been self-preservational.
Okay.
Well, even if you were exaggerating, you're still right.
I mean, Russ Hanneman had 36 chances to make an ICO work and he basically failed.
I only have one.
Look, Gilfoyle can handle all the technical stuff.
You just need to hire someone who can handle the business side.
- Like who? - I don't know.
I'm sorry, but I gotta Uber back to the office before Laurie realizes I'm gone.
No, no, wait.
Who do I hire? Someone who understands securities, right? Not necessarily.
I mean, your coin doesn't have to be a security.
You could do a utility token instead, since you provide an actual unit of compute.
Although, you'd have to convince the SEC.
Damn it.
Surge pricing.
- Monica.
- You might not even need to bother with a moving average pricing strategy when you launch.
But you will need to keep a close eye on statements from the federal government, South Korea, and China.
So, whoever you do hire should definitely know how to do all that.
Okay, six minutes.
- Monica.
- What? It's you.
You're the right person.
No.
No.
No, no, no, no, no.
Come on.
Give me one good reason.
I love my job.
You hate working for Laurie.
With Laurie, okay? We are both equal partners.
Okay.
Look, Monica.
I will do the ICO.
But only if you do it with me.
Come on.
Wait, what's happening? Canceling my Uber.
- So, you're in? - Fuck it.
- I'm in.
- [LAUGHS.]
Fuck series B.
PiedPiperCoin is totally gonna work.
Yes.
It is.
It totally is.
DINESH: So, just to confirm, in order for this coin to be worth what series B was worth to all of us, it has to sell for how much? $68.
DINESH: I see.
And seven cents is less than that.
Yup.
Whose idea was this again? I believe the initial idea was Gilfoyle's.
To be fair, it was Monica who really pushed it over the goal line.
Well, I'm gonna head down to the Tesla dealer and beg them to take my car back.
Well, that's something.
And my two referrals fell through.
And I had to return mine.
So now the only Tesla in the office is Priyanka's and I'm paying for that.
So, that's cool.
Richard, adversity is a great teacher.
Just like cigarette burns.
[PHONE RINGING, VIBRATING.]
Laurie, hi.
LAURIE: Monica.
- Congratulations on the ICO.
- [SCOFFS.]
Yeah, yeah.
Not quite the numbers we were hoping for.
I'm sure you're happy about that.
On the contrary.
Monica, you have certain values.
And I see no reason you should not work with companies that share them.
Similarly, I should work with companies that share my values.
So, no hard feelings? No feelings at all, Monica.
We are friends and we should not let business get in the way of that.
Speaking of, I am stepping into a meeting.
Right, well, I'm surprised you're taking this so well, I really appreciate it, Laurie.
Let us talk soon.
[SPEAKING CHINESE.]
[SPEAKS CHINESE.]
Have you received my proposal? [SPEAKS CHINESE.]
Very promising.
["METALSTORM" BY CUT CHEMIST.]
In the land of the lost, we lay down law Chopping off your head to take your face on tour Lacerate your lips, then we shave off more Electrocute your body through the encore When the cops come and try to raid the jams I change my physical form to that of a ram Alakazam, I'm half of a man The other part of me operates robotically Psychology is the dominant factor Believe in the holograms and step into the backdoor Out for AM, more mayhem Five fatal steps to death unless we trace them Five: hesitate to get live Your career's postmortem, now you can't survive Four: perpetuate the folklore Live a lie, you can't identify yourself no more Three: Call yourself an MC Practice minimally and start fucking with me Or the sorcery to the ultimate degree W-A-R W-M-D C-W-O fall in love with the dough Till your spiritual essence Is something that you don't know about Half the time, they don't rhyme Half the time, they all lying Half the time, they all mine Half the time, they all yours Half the time, we on tour