Stella (2012) s05e07 Episode Script

This is quite awkward.
What are we doing? -Stella.
-No.
-You were amazing.
-As were you.
Stop hogging him, Mike.
Let Stella have a go.
STELLA: No, you're all right.
-Hmm.
Jackson.
-(BABY GURGLES) PAULA: It's Daddy.
He died last night.
(VOCALISING) And then she smiles And my heart starts beating I go weak inside Na na na na na na Na na na Thank you.
Thank you.
Morning.
Cup of tea? (GASPS) Oh, look, Bobs.
We can't have 'em closed all day.
Stell? The funereal legend that was Daddy Simpson have died.
He'd want us to honour the old traditions, three days of mourning till the funeral.
Stop the clocks and shut the curtains.
(SOBBING) Hey, now listen, I am gutted about Daddy.
Cut to the quick, I am.
But Paula's arriving any minute.
And Katie.
I got to tidy up.
(PHONE RINGING) Can't be running the Dyson round in the dark, can I? (SOBBING) Hi, Stella.
It's Rob.
Stella? (IN A LOW VOICE) You have reached the voicemail of (NORMAL VOICE) Stella Morris.
(LOW VOICE) Please leave a message after the beep.
Beep.
ROB: It's been two weeks and I haven't heard from you.
Are we OK? You promised you wouldn't get weird about things.
And now you're pretending to be your own voicemail, which is very weird.
Stella, I know you're there.
-Stella.
-(BEEP) (PHONE BEEPING) (SIGHS) Want some more? Hmm.
(SCRAPING) Morning.
Uh, morning, beautiful.
Test me on these, babe.
Cremains? Pallbearer.
Rigor mortis.
Ain't that a village up near Bargoed? Luke.
I gotta know my stuff.
I'm chuffed Ivan would even let me work on Daddy's funeral.
-The man was a legend.
-Eh.
Don't be stressing.
Soon as the bookings are up for the boxing, I'll get that last lot of equipment and you can be back here with the kids, and I'll take the strain.
OK? OK.
OK.
-(BABY GURGLES) -LUKE: For the big boy.
(SIGHS) -(MOBILE RINGING) -Oh! Bum.
Tits.
(SIGHS) -(SIGHS) -(DOORBELL RINGING) (CONTINUES RINGING) All right.
Keep you knackers on.
So, I got a mega late holiday deal.
Off of megalateholidaydeal.
com.
Magaluf it is.
£1 99, all inclusive.
Uh, you can't take Jackson to Magaluf.
He's only two weeks old, man.
I know.
That's why you're having him.
-Wha -Wipes, nappies.
And a nice bit of bonding time with his dad and stepmum.
Beyonce.
My nana Pat will have him if you won't.
Or Aunty Rhian.
And what about his feeds? I can't just buy breast milk up Londis.
Relax, Stell.
I never been one for all that titty lark.
My mate did it with her first born, Bieber.
That bloody brat's still camped to her baps at six years of age.
Don't worry.
(SIGHS) Jackson's on the bottle.
Uh, hi.
-Everything OK? -Believe it or not, Beyonce has gone on holiday.
So, we've got a little visitor for the week.
-You're kidding? -Don't worry.
I know you're dead busy.
So I've asked jack for a bit of time off.
Don't be ridiculous, I'll come home.
I'll just finish off few things here -and I'll head straight to Paddington.
-Are you sure? Yeah, of course.
He's my son.
What I mean is, um, I can't expect you to You shouldn't have to look after him.
Should you? WOMAN: We're in the middle of a meeting, Michael.
I know.
I know.
And I'm sorry, but there's really nothing here I can't do at home.
Why don't we hop on a conference call later in the week? And fire lighters.
We'll definitely need them.
And water.
Get the half litre bottles 'cause they're easier to carry.
-Carry where? -Camping, bud.
-Up Conker's Field, by the woods.
-Cool.
Ben's meant to be coming and all if he ever makes his mind up.
Might not wanna come because of me.
He's gone all weird again since the dance competition.
Can I come? Yeah, if you want.
All you need is a sleeping bag and sausages.
Everyone do eat sausages camping.
Sorry, Jamie.
You're still grounded for shoplifting, love.
Come on, Mum, please.
That was ages ago, Carole.
And camping is character building.
But if I make an exception for this, what's the point of grounding him in the first place? -Working on something good? -No.
PAULA: Stell! (DOOR SLAMMING) -Oh, love.
-(SOBS) Come here.
-You must be exhausted after that trip.
-(BAWLING) What can I get you? -Tea, coffee -Gin.
(CONTINUES BAWLING) What's up, man? All right.
(GROANS) Safe, bruv.
(CLEARS THROAT) Sorry to hear about your dad.
How's he doing? He's OK, like.
Same as my mum.
We're cancer brothers now, Lukey boy.
My dad's got a heart condition.
Terminal's terminal, bud.
I'm trying to get through her bucket list at the mo, bro.
Done a lot so far.
Pina colada.
Big Primark in Cardiff.
All the Fast and Furious films.
Oh, just stuck on Porthcawl now, innit? Porthcawl's only down the road.
She wants to go to the Elvis Festival, don't she.
And we're talking travel, ticket, beer money.
Do you have any dosh you could lend? I'll pay you back.
(CHUCKLES) I can't, bud, you know that.
Don't borrow, don't lend, don't enable.
Fair dos.
I just know it'd make her day.
See one of them Chinese Elvises doing Hound Dog.
I don't suppose either of you would be interested in signing my petition, would you? I've decided to campaign for a statue of Daddy to be built.
Someone's gotta do something, 'cause them layabouts at the Council won't.
I'm thinking bronze, fifteen foot, location TBC.
(PAULA SOBBING) He went to bed as usual, with his cocoa and Fifty Shades trilogy.
Was so looking forward to surfing the next day.
And then, when I took him his cup of tea in the morning, he'd gone.
Surfing? No.
He died in his sleep, you idiot.
Hmm.
And he is definitely, you know, dead, like Isn't he? -Cos of what happened last time -(CLICKS TONGUE) Oh, shut up.
Oh, sorry, Stell.
(SNIFFS) All I've done is blub today.
-(SNIFFS) -It's all right, love.
-It's normal.
-It's exhausting is what it is.
Let's talk about something a bit lighter.
I hear Rob Morgan's got chronic heart disease.
Well, it's true, isn't it? (SIGHS) It's been such a shock, Paula.
And of course, he's a stubborn bugger.
Won't talk about it.
So I'm just trying to support him best I can, you know, be there for him and that You spend a lot of time together then, do you? Oh, bollocks.
-Have he shagged you? -What? No! Kissed your bazumas.
-Paula! -Touched your vajojo.
Stop it.
We just had this moment.
That's all.
Kiss for the dying, was it? Not even a kiss.
It was a A nearly a kiss.
(CLICKS TONGUE) Stell.
What you're doing, man? What about Michael? I know.
But in all fairness, things have been a bit tough between me and him lately.
He's so busy with work and Jackson and Beyonce.
Barely notices me, to be honest.
-(DOOR OPENING) -MICHAEL: Darling, I'm home.
Hiya.
(SIGHS) It's so nice to be back.
-Thank God you called.
-STELLA: Oh.
So, I've got the emergency gin for you, Paula and flowers for my lovely girlfriend.
-Oh.
-Mmm-hmm.
Uh, Paula, I'm terribly sorry about Daddy.
If there's anything we can do to help.
Actually, there is.
Will you take a quick squiz at Daddy's will cos I can't bring myself to look at it without (SOBBING) -MICHAEL: Here.
-(CONTINUES SOBBING) MICHAEL: Is my little soldier ready for his milky pops? Yes, he is.
Yes, he's definitely is.
Wait till he's had the three of them and two grandkids.
The novelty do wear off, I'm telling you.
(BABY SQUEALS) It's coming.
It's coming.
You ready? Open up.
Come on.
Come on.
KATIE: Oh, look at that gorgeous dimple.
Where did that come from? It's pure Beyonce.
Don't you think, Stell? Uh, can't say I've noticed, really.
Oh, dribble alert.
Go and get a dribble rag, Katie.
(MOBILE RINGING) Were you this attentive when I was a baby? MICHAEL: Hurry, please.
Uh, it's OK.
I'll go.
-I know where the clean ones are.
-(BABY CRYING) Can I at least hold him? Yeah.
Of course, darling.
-No need to ask.
-(BABY GURGLES) -Hello.
-ROB: Stell, honey.
Didn't have you down as a fair weather friend.
Oh, look I'm sorry I haven't been in touch, OK? I've just been really busy.
Oh, it's fine.
I'm only dying.
(SPEAKS SOFTLY) Oh, shut up, Rob.
-Seriously? -Sorry.
just missed talking to you, that's all.
-(FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING) -Can't you come round? (SIGHS) Maybe later.
I gotta go.
-What time? -I don't know.
After lunch.
(SIGHS) All right, little Al? No.
What's up with him? No sleep.
That's what.
That baby can cry for Wales.
LITTLE ALAN: Britain, more like, Olympic standard.
Oh, cheer up the pair of you.
It's only a bit of sleep.
Look, love, babies just kinda take over.
They need a lot of attention, that's all.
Oh, yeah, but it's not even like he's yours.
Hey, he's part of our family.
Now behave.
Take these down for me.
Is that a smile for Daddy.
-Oh, isn't he adorable? -If you say so.
STELLA: Right.
A dribble rag for our little baby boy.
And a proposition for our big baby boy.
How about I lend you the car to go camping? The new one? -I'm being kind, Ben, not stupid.
-Mmm.
The old one, obviously.
Come on.
It's way better than getting the crappy bus.
Plus, you'll get a quiet night's sleep.
Fine.
You coming, Katie? Sorry, I'm here to see Jackson.
Are you supporting his head? He's not a Tiny Tears doll.
There's little vertebrae growing in that neck.
Come here, buddy.
-Actually, camping sounds great.
-(BABY CRYING) (CHUCKLING) BOBBY: Paula Simpson, Ivan Slosh.
-Schloss.
-Schloss.
The new undertaker, I take it.
I have been in this business for some time.
Not in Pontyberry, you haven't.
Uh, this is what we've organised for Daddy's funeral so far, if you'd care to peruse.
(SIGHS) Huh.
-Horses.
-Of courses.
-Feathered? -Undoubtedly.
Themed floral tribute? Carnations in the spelling of Daddy.
Hmm.
Dress code.
Black.
I don't think so.
But he was a funeral director, Paula, traditional.
He's was also a country and western singer, bus conductor, stand up comedian, speech therapist.
Daddy led a lot of lives before he settled on the box 'em and bury 'em trade.
And honour that we must.
Which is why I have suggested an alternative colourful-life dress code over the page.
Hmm.
(CLICKS TONGUE) What trim were you thinking for the catafalque? (INAUDIBLE) (INAUDIBLE) As we all know, our catafalque is the box the coffin rests on, whilst in state.
So, we were thinking crushed red velvet? Perfect.
-(MOBILE CHIMES) -Sorry.
Oh, Christ, not again.
I keep getting voicemails from some old mate of Daddy's called Rubber.
Only wants to sing at the bloody funeral.
It's gonna be a car crash.
But I can't say no, can I? (SIGHS) Thanks for sorting that for me, Bobs.
-Daddy would have been so proud.
-Oh, ta, Pauls.
It means a lot.
Oh, come here.
Oh, my God.
Is it Paula? You've come to pay your respects to Daddy, have you? Did he bury one of your relatives, my love? Uh, no.
He was my daddy.
-Whoo! -(LAUGHING) -Stop it.
-(LAUGHS) Get a room, you two.
Look, I know you didn't wanna come.
You don't have to screw it up for everyone.
Sorry, Al, it's just Fine.
I'll stop being a mardy-ass now.
-(ZIPPER OPENS) -Drink? Home brew.
Made by yours truly.
Want some? Uh, no, ta.
I'm done with getting wasted.
It don't help when you're on a downer.
What've you got to be on the downer about? (ROMANTIC SONG PLAYING) Nothing really.
It's nice.
It could be better.
I was hoping for a smoother finish.
I knew I should've gone for those Chinook hops.
Would've created a more layered flavour, you know.
It's homebrew, not bloody champagne.
(CHUCKLES) Oh, I don't know.
We almost kissed.
What was that about, for God's sake? Yeah, but we didn't.
So what's the problem? The fact that we almost did is the problem, OK.
-OK.
-(SIGHS) I'm all over the shop at the moment, Rob.
Little Jackson have come along and you know me, I love babies.
But he's not mine, is he? He's Beyonce's.
And I know Michael's happy with me.
It's just (SIGHS) Him and her, they got this bond now, and I'm You're what? (SIGHS) I'm never gonna be part of it.
Me and Michael are never gonna have a baby.
And then, when I see Beyonce holding Jackson looking all young and gorgeous, makes me feel past it.
-(EEHALES) -Hmm.
Normally stuff like that don't bother me.
I mean, everyone has got bumps and wrinkles.
I just got a shed load more than I did when I was 1 6.
(BOTH CHUCKLING) Oh, Christ.
Turned you into my therapist now.
You are as beautiful to me now as you were at 1 6, Stella Morris.
More beautiful in fact.
-(CHUCKLES SLOWLY) -I mean it.
Now, I actually am gonna kiss you.
LUKE: Uh-huh.
Nice one.
-MAN: Cheers, man.
-Thanks.
-Ta-ra.
-See you next week.
(MUSIC PLAYING INDISTINCT) -Classes going well, bud? -I can't complain.
How's your mum's bucket list coming along? Shit.
We're skipping Porthcawl now.
Said I'll buy her the new Elvis triple disc compilation instead.
She can listen to 'em in her bed sit.
Not that she goes out that much anyway.
Only for chemo, like.
Look, Keck, I probably shouldn't be doing this, but I got 90 quid.
I'll give it to you for your mum's trip as long as you give it back, soon as.
You're joking.
(CHUCKLES) Fucking hell! My mom will go jailhouse rocking crazy when she finds out.
Cheers, buddy.
(CHUCKLES) -She's having a turn, I'm telling you.
-(BABY CRYING) It's just absolutely unbelieve.
Is this the new issue? -(DOOR OPENS) -STELLA: All right.
MICHAEL: Where have you been? Why? What's going on? Oh, it's like being in Albert Square.
This bloke have turned up, claiming to be her half-brother.
What? You're joking.
I wish.
Have Daddy mentioned any siblings in his will? Have I got a brother from another mother? No, as far as I can see there's no mention of a sibling here.
There you are.
All nonsense.
He reckoned Daddy met his mum, when Daddy was ringmaster in the circus.
(CHUCKLES) Daddy was never in the circus.
PAULA: Yes, he was.
Christ, he kept busy, didn't he? And this Jake bloke's in the circus and all.
He's a clown apparently.
Uh, yeah, hang on, Daddy has bequeathed something to a Jake -Tonialino.
-(GASPS) Please don't say it's his troll doll collection.
He promised me that.
No, that's all yours, as are the Led Zeppelin LPs.
He's just left Jake a ring master's hat.
-(GASPS) -And a whip.
(SIGHS) (BREATHING DEEPLY) How could Daddy do it to me, Stell? How could he keep Coco the clown a secret from me all them years? I don't know, presh.
Maybe he was worried you'd react.
Well, like you're reacting.
-Maybe.
-(SOBBING) Nadine? -(SOBS) -Are you all right? Yeah.
Great, fine.
Why? 'Cause you've been crying and you look like shit.
(SOBS) STELLA: Aw.
What's wrong? (CONTINUES SOBBING) I kissed Ivan Schlosh.
-Schloss.
-Did you? After the dance competition.
How could I be so cruel to Karl? I'm like one of them floozies off Made in Chelsea.
Only classier, obviously.
(SNIFFS) I'm married to one man but enslaved by another.
It's the dancing, see.
-When Ivan moves, he just turns into -Nijinsky.
Don't be disgusting.
Ivan's more of a Michael Flatley.
(SOBS) What the hell am I gonna do? -Oh, Nadine, we all make mistakes.
-Exactly.
-And these things happen.
-Yes.
They do.
You just gotta draw a line, under the whole thing -and forget it ever happened.
-And don't do it again.
No chance of that.
BOTH: Eh? Eh, what I mean is, it's done now, isn't it? So, you just gotta let it go and move on.
It was only a kiss, for God sake.
It's not like you had sex with him or something.
(CLICKS TONGUE) Yeah.
No point throwing away a good thing for the sake of some silly dream that's not gonna go anywhere.
-What do you reckon, Stell? -(SNIFFS) Absolutely.
Right.
Well Thanks for that.
Don't breathe a word of this, will you? (CLEARS THROAT) So long.
-See ya.
-Ta-ra.
(SIGHS) So then, good girl, you got something to tell me? (SIGHS) KATIE: Al, Al, wake up! BEN: What's up? Oh, I don't know.
One minute, we was building the fire and the next minute, he's out of it.
Building the fire and boozing, by the looks of it.
He was trying to taste the honey tones, see? And then he just conked out.
Oi, little Al? Little Alan? Oh, my God.
It's like one of those emergency 9-9-9 shows.
Don't be daft he's just drunk, that's all.
Same as you pair.
No, she's right, Ben.
Al could die.
Look, no one's dying, all right? Cerys, take the tent down.
Katie, get our stuff, and I'll put little Al in the car.
We can take him to my mum's first.
She can check him out, see if he needs the hospital.
-OK? -OK.
(GASPING) Hurry up, then.
-(SIGHS) -(BELCHES) Oh, look.
I said it was just a kiss, all right? A long, passionate kiss, admittedly.
But just a kiss.
-And did you enjoy it? -Yes, I enjoyed it.
So, yet again, Rob soddin' Morgan have crept inside your heart and Don't say knickers.
He's come nowhere near them.
Can I remind you of the facts.
OK, so his parents made him go to Canada at 1 7, but he never come back, not for 25 years.
And then, two years ago, he could've stayed in Pontyberry and married you.
But he didn't.
He trotted off back to Vancouver where, incidentally, he's got a new girlfriend.
Look, I just wanna make sure that you don't wake up tomorrow morning, and throw all your cards in the air for him.
You're in a good place now, Stell.
Michael is so lovely.
You really don't need to tell me that, Paula, OK? (MOBILE CHIMES) It's Katie.
The kids are on their way home.
Little Alan have had too much to drink.
-Christ, teenagers are such pussies.
-(SCOFFS) (GASPS) Chinook hops, it's the aroma, bud.
What's going on? Nothing, presh.
You just relax, OK? There'll be no more home brewing for you.
That stuff was poison, Stell.
I can tell.
-Is he gonna be all right, mum? -Yeah.
Bit of a sore head in the morning, but he'll survive.
Here's a bin in case you puke.
(BREATHING HEAVILY) (SNORING) Where is he? Keckers? Where's my money? I sent my mum to the Elvis festival with it, didn't I? Yeah, what you doing in here then? Trip only cost 40 quid, like.
-What, for everything, like? -Oh, yeah, the lot.
Uh, ticket, bus trip, B and B and dinner with a glass of Lambrini.
Where's my other 50 then? Put it on a 3:30 at Kempton.
jiffy's Bangle? Proper tidy odds.
I was gonna pay you back plus another 50.
But he didn't even place.
jiffy's bollocks, more like.
Your Dad will sort you out, though.
He's loaded.
No, that's not how it goes, Keck.
I was gonna use that cash for gym equipment, for the business.
Now you fucked it all up.
-Sorry, bud.
I couldn't help myself.
-Well, try harder.
You'd better be in that meeting next week, or else You can't just give up 'cause you're a massive dickhead.
What're you working on these days? Nothing just, uh, Ponty Zombie 2 and stuff.
Cool.
Can I see? No, it's rubbish, honest.
-Oh, I'll bet it's not.
What's that? -No, don't (ROMANTIC MUSIC PLAYING) You are so beautiful CERYS: Uh (GASPING SLOWLY) I should, um I'm gonna go.
Everything I hope for -(LITTLE ALAN SNORING) -(SIGHS) Now remember, no talking, no coughing, and no mobile phone.
STELLA: Right, this is me.
Right, I'll see you for dinner.
I'm cooking.
Oh, sweetheart, double shift.
I won't be back till gone 11:00, sorry.
Hey, good luck with the phone call.
-Thanks, bye.
-Bye.
All right.
Right, if anyone comes to the door, tell them to go away.
This is a very important conference call.
(BABY CRYING) RECORDING: Please hold while we try to connect you.
Will you go and get Stella back? I need someone to have the baby now.
Here's an idea, why don't I have the baby? I am his sister, not that you'd know because you're so busy being super dad nobody else gets a look in.
-(BABY CRYING) -(KATIE SHUSHING) Oh, Katie.
Darling, I'm sorry.
Of course you should have him.
See? Not so different from Tiny Tears after all.
(SHUSHING) Thanks, sweetheart.
WOMAN: When you're quite done with the family histrionics, could we please start this call? Gimme a drink, Stell.
I am gasping.
I haven't had nothing since an hour ago.
(POP MUSIC PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS) Paula? Oh, will you just go away? Oh, my God, are you the brother? -Yes, I am.
-Eh, fuckface.
You are not my cowing brother, OK? So, don't be spreading them lies of yours, Ronald McDonald.
Actually, I am a clown in the more traditional sense.
I don't care if you're a cocking cock himself.
Now, do one.
I will.
I will do one, but I just wanted you to have these.
These are Daddy's letters to me.
All about you.
Photos, newspaper articles.
(Jake CHUCKLES) He was so proud.
Right, I'll just leave you two to it.
Go and collect some glasses.
Jake: My mam's name's Doreen.
Apparently, Daddy fell for her when he saw her do the slack wire.
You may have heard of her.
Slack Door.
I can't say I have, beaut.
And she's still going strong to this day, though she's 94 now, so she tends to stick to the unicycle.
She used to say that Daddy was the finest ringmaster -this side of Treorchy.
-I can well believe it.
He could turn his hand to anything.
He sounds like he was a wonderful man, Paula.
Best of the best.
Even when I hated him, I knew how much he cared for my mum.
The love letters he wrote her.
Oh, beautiful.
He truly adored her.
Are you saying that Daddy loved your mammy more than he loved my mammy? Wouldn't put it like that.
-I was just saying -I will have you know that my mammy was Daddy's one and only.
Well, she couldn't have been his ''only,'' otherwise I wouldn't be here.
I am not going to stand for this.
Their love was true and pure.
So why don't you just bugger off back up your big top, Bozo.
(REPORTER TALKING ON TV) (SIGHS) (MOBILE CHIMES) Evening.
Everything all right? Yeah, good.
All good.
(SIGHS DEEPLY) (HORSE NEIGHS) Ooh, right a bit, boys.
I'm thinking your advice is unnecessary, Aunty Brenda seeing as Bobski and I are the professionals.
Yeah, you tell her, Iv.
GEORGE: Aunty Brenda.
What the hell are you wearing? I'm celebrating Daddy's colourful life, innit? Didn't you get the memo, Aunty Brenda? (GASPS) As it happens, no, I did not get the memo.
Cos I was too busy doing your job.
Here you are, almost 900 signatures.
All in favour of some form of commemoration of Daddy Simpson.
Fair dos.
We was out of order not sorting something like this.
Thank you.
It's all right, George.
No thanks necessary.
Though I hope this means that we can put the little, uh, misunderstanding behind us, so I can go back to devoting my life to the people of Pontyberry again, as Mayor? (CHUCKLES) Christ, Aunty Brenda, you'd need to do more than build a statue of Daddy, to get this chain back.
You'd have to raise him from the crypt.
There ain't no way we're inflicting you on this town, again.
(CHUCKLES) You know what? Stuff your bloody chain where the sun don't shine.
Could I have a word? So that's why I've come to tell you.
I can't do this no more.
Like George Michael do say, ''I'm never gonna dance again.
'' -Guilty feet, rhythm got not.
-Exactly.
Sort of.
I am sorry you felt that way, Nadine.
Such intense emotions, it was never my intention to encourage.
You what? It is an effect upon most women I produce, and one that is actually a bit of a bear to cross.
-Cross to bear? -Hmm, that too.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I have a convoy of hearses I must choreograph.
Heartless! That's what you are.
I'm not some bimbo after a quick bonk and a burger at Frankie and Benny's.
You made me feel like we had something special.
Like we was dance champions.
You was Michael Flatley, I was Caroline Flack, only prettier, obviously.
But Now you're telling me it meant nothing! Nothing.
(SOBBING) GEORGE MICHAEL: Careless Whisper IVAN: By God, Nadine Bevan, what have you done to me? I am but a simple man.
I did not think such violent things to simple people could happen.
That woman's a bloody whirling dervish.
Ugh! She certainly is.
(CROWD SINGING) Those those boys who maul the young cuties But now I find I'm more inclined To keep my mind on my duties For since I came to care For such a sweet millionaire -(SINGING CONTINUES) -Quite tasteful for Pontyberry.
How's your hangover? Massive.
This is a funeral of colour, Rhian.
Didn't you get the memo? Plenty of colour in these flames, man.
Not that orange splotch.
That's my chicken cockin' shashlick from last night.
RHIAN: Jesus, you seen how far back it goes? Every bugger in the Berry must be here today.
Everyone except Rob Morgan.
I suspect he didn't wanna come face-to-face with a certain someone.
-Who do you mean? -The Grim Reaper, kid.
You don't wanna be at a funeral when he's already at home, packing your bags.
(LAUGHS) So I simply couldn't be bad - Yes, my heart belongs to Daddy -(CHURCH BELLS TOLLING) (CHURCH ORGAN PLAYING) What should I do, Stell? This one's up to you, presh.
Family's family.
Come on.
Let's go in.
And then I know you all remember One-Legged Linda's funeral, Daddy got up in front of everyone, grabs hold of her prosthesis and says -(SPEAKS INCOHERENTLY) -(CROWD LAUGHS) And that is why I love the man so very, very much.
(SNIFFS) He was my boss.
My mentor.
(VOICE BREAKING) But, most of all, he was my dear, dear friend.
(SOBBING) Sorry.
I'm sorry.
I don't have a story about Daddy to share with you today.
There'll be enough of them at the Frisky Fox later.
And, I don't have a fond remembrance to make us all cry.
I just have two very simple words I'd like to say to Daddy.
Thank you.
Thank you for being the bright, beautiful man that you were, and thank you for inspiring us every single day.
And thank you for showing me, and continuing to show me even now, that families come in all different shapes and sizes.
And love comes in all different forms.
And if you are lucky enough to have this, even a tiny little bit of it, then you got to embrace it, and not turn it away.
(WHISPERING INAUDIBLY) Oh, God, I forgot about him.
(EEHALES) I'd like to introduce you to an old mate of Daddy's, apparently, who wants to sing you a little song, let's hope he keeps it short.
Ladies and gentlemen, Mr Rubber.
You're on! (AUDIENCE MURMURING) Bloody hell, that's Robert Plant.
(ALL GASPING) (MOUTHING INAUDIBLY) This one's for you, Daddy.
(SNAPS FINGERS) See you on the stairway.
I didn't know Daddy knew him.
He told me he roadied for them back in the day, but I took it with a pinch of salt.
Jake: He even said he gave him the nickname.
Rubber Plant.
(MUSIC PLAYING) to remember you by just a little, little something So love won't die I'm leaving you something to remember you by (ALL CHEERING AND WHISTLING) Come on, baby, give me something To remember you by Well just a little, little something Oh, true love won't die Oh, yeah (INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS) Course, I saw Robert Plant with Led Zeppelin at Knebworth.
-'78.
-And '79.
Aye, he's good as cockin' gold.
just signed my chest, he did.
Do you wanna look? -No, you're all right.
Thanks.
-Yeah, it's not the right time.
(AUNTY BRENDA CLEARS THROAT) -KATIE: Go on, just a sip.
-Funny.
(LAUGHING) What is up with her today? (INDISTINCT CONVERSATION) How do you think it went? Awesome.
Daddy would've been proud of you.
Now it's not the full back, but I'll get it all back to you eventually.
Ta for believing in me, buddy.
Oh, cheers, Keck.
Before I forget, someone wants to meet you.
Mammy, this is Luke, the bloke who paid for your trip.
Oh, you're an angel sent from heaven you are, bud.
Oh.
I would never have met Hongfeng Evans if it weren't for you.
Hongfeng Evans? KECKERS: They, uh, hit it off in Porthcawl.
Big time.
Could be wedding bells before she karks it at this rate.
At least some good's come out of it, eh? MICHAEL: Only met him a couple of times.
He seemed like one of life's good ones.
Yeah, with a disgusting sense of humour.
Hmm.
Michael, I'd really like you to meet my half-brother, Jake.
-Nice shoes.
They look comfortable.
-Jake: Cheers.
They're absolutely killing me.
Can I get you a drink? Sorry, what can I get you to drink? We'll have whiskies all round.
-Yeah.
-Hmm.
Coming up.
Oh, thanks for being there for me today, Stell.
-That's all right, presh.
-She's brilliant, isn't she? Everyone should have a Stella in their life, don't you think? Too right.
I'll go help Jake.
See you in a minute, gorgeous.
-And you really wanna lose that? Do you? -(SIGHS) No, of course not.
Then stop faffing around, and tell Rob Morgan that kiss was a mistake not to be repeated, heart condition or no heart condition.
I am serious, Stell.
You know, you've got to put him straight, before it all goes tits up.
Yeah, all right.
Stop telling me what to do, man.
I'll work it out for myself, OK? I wanted to tell you to stop it.
Stop kissing me! Aunty Brenda, you stand accused of bringing this council into disrepute.
You know how much I love her.
Yeah, and that's why I'd never, ever do anything about it.
-I'm sorry OK? -Too late, traitor.
You wanna fight? Bring it on, old man.