Tales from the Crypt (1989) s05e07 Episode Script
House of Horror
FRIGHT COURT IS NOW IN SESSION.
WILL THE DEFENDANTS PLEASE APPROACH THE BENCH.
YOU STAND ACCUSED OF WATCHING TOO MUCH TALES FROM THE CRYPT.
DO YOU UNDERSTAND THE CHARGE? NEITHER DO I.
BUT I'LL TELL YOU THIS-- IF CONVICTED, YOU'LL RECEIVE A STIFF SENTENCE.
YOU MAY EVEN DO A LITTLE HORRID TIME.
HOW DO YOU PLEAD? ALL RIGHT, THEN.
LET THE TRIAL BEGIN.
OUR FIRST PIECE OF EVIDENCE IS A TALE ABOUT A COUPLE OF COLLEGE BOYS WHO ARE ABOUT TO UNDERGO A LITTLE TRIAL IN TERROR OF THEIR OWN, IN A WRIT OF HABEAS CORPSES I CALL HOUSE OF HORROR.
HOUSE OF HORROR WALL OF FAME WALL OF SHAME PLACE OF DISHONOR EXCUSE ME, HONORABLE PRESIDENT CRANDLE, SIR.
THIS UNWORTHY PLEDGE WISHES TO CLEAN THAT PORTION OF THE FLOOR WHICH IS UNDER YOUR GLORIOUS SHOES.
ALL RIGHT.
JUSTHURRY IT UP.
ARLING! HEY, ARLING, YOU TURD-BALL, DIDN'T I TELL YOU TO CLEAN THIS SECTION OF THE FLOOR OVER HERE? YES, SIR, GRAND AND GLORIOUS PLEDGEMASTER WILTON, SIR.
WELLISN'T THAT DOG SHIT I SEE ON IT? YES, IT DOES APPEAR TO BE CANINE FECAL MATERIAL, SIR.
WELL, HOW DO YOU THINK IT GOT THERE? AS A DIRECT RESULT OF MY OWN SENSE OF WORTHLESSNESS AND INCOMPETENCE, SIR.
WATERS, HENDERSON-- THIS DON'T CONCERN YOU.
GET BACK TO WORK BEFORE I PADDLE YOUR ASSES.
WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR, PLEDGE? CLEAN IT UP BEFORE I MAKE YOU USE YOUR TONGUE! YES, SIR.
THANK YOU, SIR.
OH, ARLING? YOU FORGOT TO KISS THE SOLES OF MY SHOES.
WHAT'S THE MATTER, ARLING, YOU WAITING FOR ANOTHER ALTERNATIVE? QUIT! QUIT! GO UP ON THE WALL OF SHAME.
YOU'LL NEVER BECOME A MEMBER, AND WE HAZE YOU AS LONG AS YOU GO TO THIS SCHOOL.
THAT'S WHAT HAPPENED TO THIS PUNK ASSHOLE QUITTER-- DEE DEE DeWITT.
DeWITT CHICKENED OUT ON A TEST OF COURAGE.
HE DIDN'T HAVE IT, SO HE QUIT.
ONLY WE NEVER LET UP ON HIM.
WE DROVE HIM CRAZY.
WE MADE HIS LIFE A LIVING HELL.
DeWITT ENDED UP DE-GRADED, DE-BILITATED, AND DE-FUNCT.
HE HAD A NERVOUS BREAKDOWN.
THAT WAS GREAT.
ONE OF THOSE THINGS THAT MAKES ME REALLY PROUD TO BE GAMMA DELT.
MY SHOES, ARLING.
THAT'S GROSS.
REMEMBER, KIDDIES, TONIGHT'S YOUR TEST OF COURAGE.
IT'LL MAKE OR BREAK YOU.
YOU KNOW, I'M THINKIN' I'D LIKE TO BREAK HIM.
YEAH.
BREAK HIS NECK.
WAIT FOR HIM ONE NIGHT BEHIND THE DOOR.
WHEN HE COMES IN, WHAM! CRACK HIM IN THE HEAD WITH A BASEBALL BAT.
FUCK THE BASEBALL BAT.
I'D USE A SHOVEL.
YEAH.
OR AN AX! OR A CHAINSAW.
YEAH.
I JUST WANT THIS ALL DONE WITH.
THE ONLY THING THAT'S KEEPING ME GOING IS-- PLEDGES! DON'T MAKE A BROTHER GET UP TO ANSWER THAT DOOR! WHY, Y'ALL DIDN'T HAVE TO GET SO DRESSED UP JUST FOR LITTLE OLD ME.
ARLING? WHAT'S A PLEDGE SUPPOSED TO DO IN THE PRESENCE OF A LADY? UH, WELCOME TO GAMMA DELTA OMEGA.
PLEDGE ARLING AT YOUR SERVICE, MISS.
JUST CALL ME MONA.
MY, YOU'RE QUITE A GENTLEMAN.
I LIKE THAT.
HOWDY, MONA.
I'M TEX CRANDALL, PRESIDENT OF THE HOUSE.
WHAT CAN WE DO FOR YOU? YOU SEE, OUR SORORITY-- DELTA OMEGA ALPHA-- JUST OPENED A CHAPTER ON CAMPUS.
AND WE'D LIKE TO AFFILIATE WITH A FRATERNITY, FOR VARIOUS SOCIAL EVENTS.
ALTHOUGH I ASSUME AN ORGANIZATION SUCH AS YOURS ALREADY HAS A SISTER HOUSE.
WELL, UH, ACTUALLY, NO, WE'VE BEEN ON PROBA-- I MEAN, REVIEWING OUR SITUATION.
WE MAY CONSIDER AN AFFILIATION, PROVIDED CERTAIN STANDARDS ARE Y'ALL WANNA BE CERTAIN WE'RE NOT SOME DOG HOUSE, RIGHT? WELL HOW ABOUT THREE OR FOUR OF Y'ALL COME OVER FOR DINNER TONIGHT AND MEET THE SISTERS, UP CLOSE AND PERSONAL? MONA, COULD YOU GIVE US A SECOND HERE, PLEASE? THIS IS TOO GOOD TO BE TRUE.
IT'S GOTTA BE ONE OF THOSE SORORITY INITIATION STUNTS.
THEY GET A BUNCH OF GUYS OVER AND THEY MAKE FOOLS OF 'EM.
IT'S HAPPENED BEFORE.
LET ME FLUSH THIS OUT.
MONA, WE'D LOVE TO.
UNFORTUNATELY, TONIGHT'S OUR FINAL PLEDGE RITUAL IN AN OFF-CAMPUS LOCALE.
OH, I'M LES WILTON-- PLEDGEMASTER.
IT'S MY JOB TO MAKE MEN OF THESE BOYS.
NOW, I ALWAYS THOUGHT MAKING MEN OUT OF BOYS WAS A WOMAN'S JOB.
WELL, PERHAPS YOU'D LIKE TO VOLUNTEER YOUR SERVICES.
I'M SURE THE PLEDGES WOULDN'T MIND.
MONA, I APOLOGIZE.
THAT WAS RUDE AND INSENSITIVE OF ME.
HOWEVER, SINCE WE CAN'T SEND ANY BROTHERS TO YOUR HOUSE TONIGHT, PERHAPS YOU'D LIKE TO COME CHECK OUT OUR LITTLE RITUAL.
OH, WE WOULDN'T THINK OF INTERFERING IN ONE OF YOUR SACRED RITUALS.
WELL, IF YOU WERE INTERFERING, WE WOULDN'T HAVE INVITED YOU.
NEVERTHELESS, WE THANK YOU FOR YOUR INVITATION, AND WE WISH YOU MUCH LUCK ON FINDING A BROTHER HOUSE.
WELL IF YOU'RE CERTAIN WE WON'T BE INTERFERING WE'LL BE THERE.
THAT'S WHAT'S BEEN KEEPING ME GOING.
WE'RE ALMOST THERE.
Y'ALL GONNA MAKE IT? WE'LL MAKE IT, SIR.
AND WE KNOW WILTON'S PUSHING YOU KINDA HARD.
LIKE WE SAID BEFORE, HE'S NOT EXACTLY THE TYPE OF MAN WE APPROVE OF.
THEN WHY DO YOU LET HIM DO THIS? POLITICS.
ABOUT 6 YEARS AGO, GAMMA DELTA HOUSE CAME CLOSE TO CENSORSHIP ON A CHEATING SCANDAL.
WILTON DUG UP SOME DIRT ON THE DEAN.
BINGO--NO MORE SCANDAL.
WIL DECIDED HE LIKED THE JOB OF PLEDGEMASTER, SO HE'S HAD IT EVER SINCE.
WAIT, FOR 6 YEARS? HOW COME HE HASN'T GRADUATED? GUYS LIKE WILL NEVER GRADUATE.
END OF THE LINE, KIDDIES! PLEDGES WALK FROM THIS POINT ON! WATERS, RECITE THE HISTORY OF THE OLD COUGHER HOUSE.
IT WAS OWNED BY AN OLD--AN OLD HERMIT WITH A BLACK CLOAK AND HOOD, WHO HAD THIS HACKING COUGH.
YOU COULD HEAR HIM A MILE AWAY.
THEY CALLED HIM THE COUGHER AND HIS HOUSE COUGHER HOUSE.
WATERS, SWALLOW THAT GUM.
HENDERSON, CONTINUE.
WHEN THE ALPHA SIGMA SIGMA FRAT HOUSE BURNED DOWN, THE MAYOR, WHO HAD BEEN A MEMBER, SWINDLED THE COUGHER OUT OF HIS OWN HOUSE AND GAVE IT TO THE FRATERNITY.
THE COUGHER THEN CURSED THE HOUSE AND KILLED HIMSELF.
ARLING, WRAP IT UP! A YEAR LATER, WHO LIVED IN THE HOUSE, INCLUDING THE MAYOR'S SON, WERE MURDERED WITH AN AX BY SOMEONE WEARING A BLACK HOOD WITH A HACKING COUGH.
THE HOUSE WAS CONDEMNED.
THAT WAS 1933.
EVER SINCE THEN, PEOPLE SAY THE COUGHER'S GHOST IS STILL IN THERE, MAKING SURE NOBODY'S IN HIS HOUSE.
THEY SAY YOU CAN STILL HEAR HIM COUGHING.
BLINDFOLDS OFF, GENTLEMEN! WE'RE HERE.
SO HERE'S THE DEAL, PLEDGES.
YOU EACH HAVE A FLASHLIGHT.
YOU CAN ALL SEE THAT ROW OF WINDOWS THERE.
YOU GO IN, RUN UP TO THE SECOND-FLOOR WINDOW, FLASH YOUR LIGHT THREE TIMES, CLIMB THE LADDER TO THE ATTIC, FLASH THREE TIMES IN THE ATTIC WINDOW.
THEN WAIT THERE TILL I CALL YOU BACK DOWN.
IF YOU MAKE IT, YOU'RE IN.
SOUND EASY? WELL, THE JOINT'S HAUNTED! AND MR.
AX MURDERER'S GHOST DOESN'T LIKE VISITORS.
HENDERSON, YOU'RE FIRST.
GO.
SEE YOU BOYS IN THE ATTIC.
GOOD LUCK, BOYS.
ALL OF US SISTERS ARE COUNTING ON YOU.
WE JUST LOVE FRATERNITY MEN.
AWOO! SO, MONA WHERE'S THE REST OF YOUR SISTERS? THAT CAN'T BE ALL OF 'EM.
I DON'T KNOW IF THEY'LL ALL MAKE IT.
TOO BAD.
ME AND SPARKS HERE RIGGED UP SOME GREAT GAGS.
THEY'RE GONNA MISS A GOOD SHOW.
HEY.
GREAT COUGHING, SPARKS.
RECORDED THEM AT THE HOSPITAL LUNG CANCER WARD, THEN PUMPED THEM UP ON THE SYNTHESIZER.
YOU DAMN NEAR KILLED ME.
YOU ASSHOLE! IT'S SUPPOSED TO BE THE GHOST OF AN AX MURDERER, NOT A CHAINSAW MASSACRE.
ARTISTIC LICENSE.
JUST CHECK ON THE EFFECTS, SPARKS.
ONE DOWN, ONE TO GO.
JESUS, THAT SOUNDED LIKE HENDERSON.
NAH, THEY JUST GOT THE PLACE WIRED FOR SOUND.
WE'LL SEE HIM IN THE ATTIC WINDOW ANY MINUTE NOW.
I THOUGHT I TOLD HIM TO BAG THAT CHAINSAW.
WILTON, WHY IS IT TAKING HIM SO LONG TO GET UP THERE? GUESS HE JUST AIN'T GAMMA DELTA MATERIAL.
WATERS, LET'S SEE IF YOU'RE WORTHY.
MOVE YOUR ASS.
YOU SHOW 'EM, TIGER.
WATERS! THERE'S SOMEBODY ON THE SECOND FLOOR WITH A CLOAK AND AN AX.
ARE YOU SHITTIN' ME, ARLING? NO, MAN, I SWEAR TO GOD! I JUST SAW HIM.
BAWK BAWK BAWK! BUCK BUCK BUCK BUCK BUCK BUCK BAWK! BUCK BUCK BAWK! HENDERSON, YA UP THERE, BUDDY? HENDERSON, IS THAT YOU? STRAWBERRY JELLY.
OH, THOSE FUCKERS! SHIT, IT'S REAL! SICK, WILTON! VERY FUCKING SICK! WILTON MUST OF RUSTLED IT FROM MED SCHOOL.
I TOLD YOU TO LOSE THAT CHAINSAW.
MY SYSTEM MUST BE SCREWED UP.
THAT--THAT'S SUPPOSED TO BE A SCREAM.
THAT'S MORE LIKE IT.
TWO SOUNDS AT ONCE.
IT CAN'T DO THAT.
WHAT'S THE STORY, WILTON? WHY ISN'T THERE ANY SIGN OF THOSE PLEDGES? BECAUSE THEY'RE FUCKING WITH US, THAT'S WHY.
LAYING LOW, TRYING TO MAKE ME LOOK BAD! AIN'T THAT RIGHT, ARLING? I DON'T KNOW! BUT I DON'T LIKE IT.
YEAH, WELL, LIKE IT OR NOT, YOU'RE GOIN' IN THERE.
OR I'M MAKIN' IT MY BUSINESS TO RIDE YOUR ASS TILL YOU'RE DE-FUNCT.
LOOK, I SAW SOMEBODY IN THAT WINDOW WITH AN AX.
I'M NOT GOING UP TO THE ATTIC! BAWK BUCK BUCK BUCK BUCK BUCK BUCK! HELL, ARLING, YOU'RE SO CHICKEN, I BET YOU COULDN'T MAKE IT TO THE SECOND FLOOR.
IN FACT, I GOT 100 BUCKS SAYING YOU WON'T! HOW ABOUT IT, KID? HENDERSON AND WATERS BOTH DID IT.
WOULD BUY US ONE TERRIFIC DINNER DATE.
TO THE SECOND FLOOR.
YOU'RE ON.
GOOD.
I'LL GET YOUR 100 BUCKS, THEN I'LL RUN YOUR ASS INTO THE GROUND.
SO, MONA DOES THAT DINNER DATE APPLY FOR ME, TOO? IF YOU WIN BUT YOU WON'T.
I'M SURE THAT YOUNG MAN WILL RISE TO THE OCCASION.
WATERS? HENDERSON? HEY.
GREAT ARM GAG, SPARKS.
I DIDN'T DO IT.
I THOUGHT YOU DID.
HEY, WE GOTTA FRY THIS LITTLE TWERP OR IT'S GONNA COST ME A C-NOTE.
FRIED.
WATERS? HENDERSON? THIS ISN'T FUNNY, GUYS! WATERS? OH, SHIT! OH, JESUS CHRIST! GOD, HE'S ON ME! HE'S GONNA KILL ME NOW! I SAW IT! I SAW COUGHER'S GHOST WITH AN AX! IT'S REAL! HE TRIED TO KILL ME! TAKE A GOOD LOOK, ASSHOLE.
IT'S JUST A DUMMY WITH A STUPID MASK WE RIGGED.
DID I CALL THIS, OR WHAT?! WE'RE TALKING WALL OF SHAME, HERE GUYS.
MR.
GUTLESS WONDER OF 1993.
NO! IT WASN'T A DUMMY! IT WAS A GHOST! IT WAS UPSTAIRS! I SAW HIM! BULLSHIT.
THE WHOLE THING'S BULLSHIT, INCLUDING THE LEGEND.
PLEDGEMASTER SECRET-- THE WHOLE THING WAS MADE UP YEARS AGO AND PRINTED IN THE SCHOOL PAPER SO PLEDGES COULD RESEARCH IT FOR INITIATIONS.
IT NEVER HAPPENED! THERE'S NO COUGHER.
THERE NEVER WAS.
AND ARLING'S JUST A WUSS.
YOU OWE ME 100 BUCKS, AND IT'S BUYING ME A DATE WITH MONA.
SHE LIKES MEN, NOT WIMPS.
AIN'T THAT RIGHT, SWEETHEART? ALL RIGHT, WILTON, CALL DOWN THE REST OF THE PLEDGES SO WE CAN HIT THE TRAIL.
WATERS! HENDERSON! THIS IS YOUR GRAND AND GLORIOUS PLEDGEMASTER HERE.
I'M IN THE HOUSE.
I WANT YOU TO COME DOWN NOW! WEREN'T YOU SUPPOSED TO GO UP TO THE ATTIC AND BRING 'EM DOWN YOURSELF? WASN'T THAT THE DEAL? SO IT'S AN AMBUSH.
I GO UP THERE AND THOSE TWO JUMP ME.
YOU HAD IT PLANNED ALL ALONG.
WELL, I AIN'T FALLIN' FOR YOUR BULLSHIT, ARLING.
NOT THIS WILTON.
WHAT'S THE MATTER, WILTON, YOU AFRAID OF GETTIN' BUSHWHACKED BY A COUPLE OF DWEEB PLEDGES? YOU CAN'T TAKE THEM GREENHORNS? LES, I THOUGHT YOU WERE A MAN.
OF COURSE I CAN TAKE 'EM.
WATCH THIS.
HEY, SPARKS, CUT THAT OUT! IT WASN'T ME! I--I ALREADY YANKED THE WIRE! UH, SPARKS, MAYBE YOU'D BETTER COME WITH ME.
UH I DON'T REMEMBER HOW WE RIGGED EVERYTHING UP HERE.
HEY, YOU'RE ON YOUR OWN.
ME, I'M AFRAID OF GHOSTS.
UH, I'LL TELL YOU WHAT-- I'LL GO FIRST AND YOU, UH, YOU GUYS FOLLOW RIGHT BEHIND ME.
US BROTHERS GOT TO STICK TOGETHER, RIGHT? BAWK! BUCK BUCK! BUCK BUCK BUCK BAWK! BAWK BAWK BAWK! HEY, COME ON! THERE'S A DIFFERENCE BETWEEN BEING CHICKEN AND BEING STUPID! OH, YEAH? HOW WOULD YOU KNOW? I'LL REMEMBER THIS.
I'M GOING TO PAY BACK EACH AND EVERY ONE OF YOU.
YOU REMEMBER ME? DEE DEE DeWITT.
FROM THE WALL OF SHAME.
I GUESS I PROVED THAT YOU'RE NOT GAMMA DELTA MATERIAL, EITHER.
HA HA HA! BAWK! BUCK BUCK BUCK BUCK BUCK BUCK BAWK! INCREDIBLE, MAN.
AND ABOUT THOSE OTHER PLEDGES-- I PUT A NOTE ON THE ATTIC DOOR TELLING THEM NOT TO SIGNAL OR DO ANYTHING UNTIL THEY HEARD THE PASSWORD-- HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
AND I SIGNED THE NOTE "LES WILTON.
" NOBODY DOES THAT TO ME! LET'S GO, GIRLS.
MONA! WAIT! I WON! YOU OWE ME A DATE! ALL RIGHT, WILTON, CALL DOWN THE REST OF THEM PLEDGES SO WE CAN ALL VAMOOSE.
DO IT! WATERS! HENDERSON! HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
NOW GET DOWN HERE! DID YOU HEAR ME? I SAID HAPPY BIRTHDAY! NOW MOVE! I SWEAR TO GOD, IF YOU'RE FUCKIN' WITH ME AGAIN HEY.
MAYBE THEY ARE GONNA JUMP YOU.
HA HA HA HA HA! GO UP AND GET 'EM, WILTON.
GO GET 'EM OR WE'RE EXPELLING YOUR ASS.
I COULD QUIT.
THAT'S WHAT I OUGHT TO DO.
DeWITT.
SO IT WAS YOU THAT RIGGED THE ARM? ARM? WHAT ARM? THIS ARM.
HEY, NO.
IT AIN'T MINE.
OH, MY GOD.
THAT'S A PLEDGE RING! IT'S HENDERSON'S! GOOD LORD! WATERS! HENDERSON! I'M GONNA READ BOTH YOUR ASSES FOR THIS.
WATERS? HENDERSON? WELCOME TO DELTA OMEGA ALPHA PLEDGE NIGHT.
WE JUST LOVE FRATERNITY BOYS.
YOU SEE, D.
O.
A.
IS AN ALL-GHOUL SORORITY.
YOU'RE ABOUT TO BECOME DELTA OMEGA MATERIAL NOW.
DINNER.
SEE, LES? YOU GET YOUR DINNER DATE AFTER ALL.
AND I'M JUST SO FAMISHED FOR A MAN.
REMEMBER, PLEDGES, EAT EVERY BITE OR YOU'LL END UP ON THE WALL OF SHAME! WALL OF SHAME THE HONORABLE JUDGE CRYPTKEEPER POOR LES.
I KNOW THEY SAY THAT COLLEGE COSTS AN ARM AND A LEG, BUT THIS IS RIDICULOUS! STILL, I THINK HE'D HAVE BEEN HAPPY TO KNOW HE WAS PART OF ONE LAST FOOD FRIGHT.
AH.
I SEE WE'VE REACHED A VERDICT.
MEMBERS OF THE GORY, DO YOU FIEND THE DEFENDANT GUILTY OR NOT GUILTY? WHAT DO YOU KNOW? A HUNG JURY.
WILL THE DEFENDANTS PLEASE APPROACH THE BENCH.
YOU STAND ACCUSED OF WATCHING TOO MUCH TALES FROM THE CRYPT.
DO YOU UNDERSTAND THE CHARGE? NEITHER DO I.
BUT I'LL TELL YOU THIS-- IF CONVICTED, YOU'LL RECEIVE A STIFF SENTENCE.
YOU MAY EVEN DO A LITTLE HORRID TIME.
HOW DO YOU PLEAD? ALL RIGHT, THEN.
LET THE TRIAL BEGIN.
OUR FIRST PIECE OF EVIDENCE IS A TALE ABOUT A COUPLE OF COLLEGE BOYS WHO ARE ABOUT TO UNDERGO A LITTLE TRIAL IN TERROR OF THEIR OWN, IN A WRIT OF HABEAS CORPSES I CALL HOUSE OF HORROR.
HOUSE OF HORROR WALL OF FAME WALL OF SHAME PLACE OF DISHONOR EXCUSE ME, HONORABLE PRESIDENT CRANDLE, SIR.
THIS UNWORTHY PLEDGE WISHES TO CLEAN THAT PORTION OF THE FLOOR WHICH IS UNDER YOUR GLORIOUS SHOES.
ALL RIGHT.
JUSTHURRY IT UP.
ARLING! HEY, ARLING, YOU TURD-BALL, DIDN'T I TELL YOU TO CLEAN THIS SECTION OF THE FLOOR OVER HERE? YES, SIR, GRAND AND GLORIOUS PLEDGEMASTER WILTON, SIR.
WELLISN'T THAT DOG SHIT I SEE ON IT? YES, IT DOES APPEAR TO BE CANINE FECAL MATERIAL, SIR.
WELL, HOW DO YOU THINK IT GOT THERE? AS A DIRECT RESULT OF MY OWN SENSE OF WORTHLESSNESS AND INCOMPETENCE, SIR.
WATERS, HENDERSON-- THIS DON'T CONCERN YOU.
GET BACK TO WORK BEFORE I PADDLE YOUR ASSES.
WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR, PLEDGE? CLEAN IT UP BEFORE I MAKE YOU USE YOUR TONGUE! YES, SIR.
THANK YOU, SIR.
OH, ARLING? YOU FORGOT TO KISS THE SOLES OF MY SHOES.
WHAT'S THE MATTER, ARLING, YOU WAITING FOR ANOTHER ALTERNATIVE? QUIT! QUIT! GO UP ON THE WALL OF SHAME.
YOU'LL NEVER BECOME A MEMBER, AND WE HAZE YOU AS LONG AS YOU GO TO THIS SCHOOL.
THAT'S WHAT HAPPENED TO THIS PUNK ASSHOLE QUITTER-- DEE DEE DeWITT.
DeWITT CHICKENED OUT ON A TEST OF COURAGE.
HE DIDN'T HAVE IT, SO HE QUIT.
ONLY WE NEVER LET UP ON HIM.
WE DROVE HIM CRAZY.
WE MADE HIS LIFE A LIVING HELL.
DeWITT ENDED UP DE-GRADED, DE-BILITATED, AND DE-FUNCT.
HE HAD A NERVOUS BREAKDOWN.
THAT WAS GREAT.
ONE OF THOSE THINGS THAT MAKES ME REALLY PROUD TO BE GAMMA DELT.
MY SHOES, ARLING.
THAT'S GROSS.
REMEMBER, KIDDIES, TONIGHT'S YOUR TEST OF COURAGE.
IT'LL MAKE OR BREAK YOU.
YOU KNOW, I'M THINKIN' I'D LIKE TO BREAK HIM.
YEAH.
BREAK HIS NECK.
WAIT FOR HIM ONE NIGHT BEHIND THE DOOR.
WHEN HE COMES IN, WHAM! CRACK HIM IN THE HEAD WITH A BASEBALL BAT.
FUCK THE BASEBALL BAT.
I'D USE A SHOVEL.
YEAH.
OR AN AX! OR A CHAINSAW.
YEAH.
I JUST WANT THIS ALL DONE WITH.
THE ONLY THING THAT'S KEEPING ME GOING IS-- PLEDGES! DON'T MAKE A BROTHER GET UP TO ANSWER THAT DOOR! WHY, Y'ALL DIDN'T HAVE TO GET SO DRESSED UP JUST FOR LITTLE OLD ME.
ARLING? WHAT'S A PLEDGE SUPPOSED TO DO IN THE PRESENCE OF A LADY? UH, WELCOME TO GAMMA DELTA OMEGA.
PLEDGE ARLING AT YOUR SERVICE, MISS.
JUST CALL ME MONA.
MY, YOU'RE QUITE A GENTLEMAN.
I LIKE THAT.
HOWDY, MONA.
I'M TEX CRANDALL, PRESIDENT OF THE HOUSE.
WHAT CAN WE DO FOR YOU? YOU SEE, OUR SORORITY-- DELTA OMEGA ALPHA-- JUST OPENED A CHAPTER ON CAMPUS.
AND WE'D LIKE TO AFFILIATE WITH A FRATERNITY, FOR VARIOUS SOCIAL EVENTS.
ALTHOUGH I ASSUME AN ORGANIZATION SUCH AS YOURS ALREADY HAS A SISTER HOUSE.
WELL, UH, ACTUALLY, NO, WE'VE BEEN ON PROBA-- I MEAN, REVIEWING OUR SITUATION.
WE MAY CONSIDER AN AFFILIATION, PROVIDED CERTAIN STANDARDS ARE Y'ALL WANNA BE CERTAIN WE'RE NOT SOME DOG HOUSE, RIGHT? WELL HOW ABOUT THREE OR FOUR OF Y'ALL COME OVER FOR DINNER TONIGHT AND MEET THE SISTERS, UP CLOSE AND PERSONAL? MONA, COULD YOU GIVE US A SECOND HERE, PLEASE? THIS IS TOO GOOD TO BE TRUE.
IT'S GOTTA BE ONE OF THOSE SORORITY INITIATION STUNTS.
THEY GET A BUNCH OF GUYS OVER AND THEY MAKE FOOLS OF 'EM.
IT'S HAPPENED BEFORE.
LET ME FLUSH THIS OUT.
MONA, WE'D LOVE TO.
UNFORTUNATELY, TONIGHT'S OUR FINAL PLEDGE RITUAL IN AN OFF-CAMPUS LOCALE.
OH, I'M LES WILTON-- PLEDGEMASTER.
IT'S MY JOB TO MAKE MEN OF THESE BOYS.
NOW, I ALWAYS THOUGHT MAKING MEN OUT OF BOYS WAS A WOMAN'S JOB.
WELL, PERHAPS YOU'D LIKE TO VOLUNTEER YOUR SERVICES.
I'M SURE THE PLEDGES WOULDN'T MIND.
MONA, I APOLOGIZE.
THAT WAS RUDE AND INSENSITIVE OF ME.
HOWEVER, SINCE WE CAN'T SEND ANY BROTHERS TO YOUR HOUSE TONIGHT, PERHAPS YOU'D LIKE TO COME CHECK OUT OUR LITTLE RITUAL.
OH, WE WOULDN'T THINK OF INTERFERING IN ONE OF YOUR SACRED RITUALS.
WELL, IF YOU WERE INTERFERING, WE WOULDN'T HAVE INVITED YOU.
NEVERTHELESS, WE THANK YOU FOR YOUR INVITATION, AND WE WISH YOU MUCH LUCK ON FINDING A BROTHER HOUSE.
WELL IF YOU'RE CERTAIN WE WON'T BE INTERFERING WE'LL BE THERE.
THAT'S WHAT'S BEEN KEEPING ME GOING.
WE'RE ALMOST THERE.
Y'ALL GONNA MAKE IT? WE'LL MAKE IT, SIR.
AND WE KNOW WILTON'S PUSHING YOU KINDA HARD.
LIKE WE SAID BEFORE, HE'S NOT EXACTLY THE TYPE OF MAN WE APPROVE OF.
THEN WHY DO YOU LET HIM DO THIS? POLITICS.
ABOUT 6 YEARS AGO, GAMMA DELTA HOUSE CAME CLOSE TO CENSORSHIP ON A CHEATING SCANDAL.
WILTON DUG UP SOME DIRT ON THE DEAN.
BINGO--NO MORE SCANDAL.
WIL DECIDED HE LIKED THE JOB OF PLEDGEMASTER, SO HE'S HAD IT EVER SINCE.
WAIT, FOR 6 YEARS? HOW COME HE HASN'T GRADUATED? GUYS LIKE WILL NEVER GRADUATE.
END OF THE LINE, KIDDIES! PLEDGES WALK FROM THIS POINT ON! WATERS, RECITE THE HISTORY OF THE OLD COUGHER HOUSE.
IT WAS OWNED BY AN OLD--AN OLD HERMIT WITH A BLACK CLOAK AND HOOD, WHO HAD THIS HACKING COUGH.
YOU COULD HEAR HIM A MILE AWAY.
THEY CALLED HIM THE COUGHER AND HIS HOUSE COUGHER HOUSE.
WATERS, SWALLOW THAT GUM.
HENDERSON, CONTINUE.
WHEN THE ALPHA SIGMA SIGMA FRAT HOUSE BURNED DOWN, THE MAYOR, WHO HAD BEEN A MEMBER, SWINDLED THE COUGHER OUT OF HIS OWN HOUSE AND GAVE IT TO THE FRATERNITY.
THE COUGHER THEN CURSED THE HOUSE AND KILLED HIMSELF.
ARLING, WRAP IT UP! A YEAR LATER, WHO LIVED IN THE HOUSE, INCLUDING THE MAYOR'S SON, WERE MURDERED WITH AN AX BY SOMEONE WEARING A BLACK HOOD WITH A HACKING COUGH.
THE HOUSE WAS CONDEMNED.
THAT WAS 1933.
EVER SINCE THEN, PEOPLE SAY THE COUGHER'S GHOST IS STILL IN THERE, MAKING SURE NOBODY'S IN HIS HOUSE.
THEY SAY YOU CAN STILL HEAR HIM COUGHING.
BLINDFOLDS OFF, GENTLEMEN! WE'RE HERE.
SO HERE'S THE DEAL, PLEDGES.
YOU EACH HAVE A FLASHLIGHT.
YOU CAN ALL SEE THAT ROW OF WINDOWS THERE.
YOU GO IN, RUN UP TO THE SECOND-FLOOR WINDOW, FLASH YOUR LIGHT THREE TIMES, CLIMB THE LADDER TO THE ATTIC, FLASH THREE TIMES IN THE ATTIC WINDOW.
THEN WAIT THERE TILL I CALL YOU BACK DOWN.
IF YOU MAKE IT, YOU'RE IN.
SOUND EASY? WELL, THE JOINT'S HAUNTED! AND MR.
AX MURDERER'S GHOST DOESN'T LIKE VISITORS.
HENDERSON, YOU'RE FIRST.
GO.
SEE YOU BOYS IN THE ATTIC.
GOOD LUCK, BOYS.
ALL OF US SISTERS ARE COUNTING ON YOU.
WE JUST LOVE FRATERNITY MEN.
AWOO! SO, MONA WHERE'S THE REST OF YOUR SISTERS? THAT CAN'T BE ALL OF 'EM.
I DON'T KNOW IF THEY'LL ALL MAKE IT.
TOO BAD.
ME AND SPARKS HERE RIGGED UP SOME GREAT GAGS.
THEY'RE GONNA MISS A GOOD SHOW.
HEY.
GREAT COUGHING, SPARKS.
RECORDED THEM AT THE HOSPITAL LUNG CANCER WARD, THEN PUMPED THEM UP ON THE SYNTHESIZER.
YOU DAMN NEAR KILLED ME.
YOU ASSHOLE! IT'S SUPPOSED TO BE THE GHOST OF AN AX MURDERER, NOT A CHAINSAW MASSACRE.
ARTISTIC LICENSE.
JUST CHECK ON THE EFFECTS, SPARKS.
ONE DOWN, ONE TO GO.
JESUS, THAT SOUNDED LIKE HENDERSON.
NAH, THEY JUST GOT THE PLACE WIRED FOR SOUND.
WE'LL SEE HIM IN THE ATTIC WINDOW ANY MINUTE NOW.
I THOUGHT I TOLD HIM TO BAG THAT CHAINSAW.
WILTON, WHY IS IT TAKING HIM SO LONG TO GET UP THERE? GUESS HE JUST AIN'T GAMMA DELTA MATERIAL.
WATERS, LET'S SEE IF YOU'RE WORTHY.
MOVE YOUR ASS.
YOU SHOW 'EM, TIGER.
WATERS! THERE'S SOMEBODY ON THE SECOND FLOOR WITH A CLOAK AND AN AX.
ARE YOU SHITTIN' ME, ARLING? NO, MAN, I SWEAR TO GOD! I JUST SAW HIM.
BAWK BAWK BAWK! BUCK BUCK BUCK BUCK BUCK BUCK BAWK! BUCK BUCK BAWK! HENDERSON, YA UP THERE, BUDDY? HENDERSON, IS THAT YOU? STRAWBERRY JELLY.
OH, THOSE FUCKERS! SHIT, IT'S REAL! SICK, WILTON! VERY FUCKING SICK! WILTON MUST OF RUSTLED IT FROM MED SCHOOL.
I TOLD YOU TO LOSE THAT CHAINSAW.
MY SYSTEM MUST BE SCREWED UP.
THAT--THAT'S SUPPOSED TO BE A SCREAM.
THAT'S MORE LIKE IT.
TWO SOUNDS AT ONCE.
IT CAN'T DO THAT.
WHAT'S THE STORY, WILTON? WHY ISN'T THERE ANY SIGN OF THOSE PLEDGES? BECAUSE THEY'RE FUCKING WITH US, THAT'S WHY.
LAYING LOW, TRYING TO MAKE ME LOOK BAD! AIN'T THAT RIGHT, ARLING? I DON'T KNOW! BUT I DON'T LIKE IT.
YEAH, WELL, LIKE IT OR NOT, YOU'RE GOIN' IN THERE.
OR I'M MAKIN' IT MY BUSINESS TO RIDE YOUR ASS TILL YOU'RE DE-FUNCT.
LOOK, I SAW SOMEBODY IN THAT WINDOW WITH AN AX.
I'M NOT GOING UP TO THE ATTIC! BAWK BUCK BUCK BUCK BUCK BUCK BUCK! HELL, ARLING, YOU'RE SO CHICKEN, I BET YOU COULDN'T MAKE IT TO THE SECOND FLOOR.
IN FACT, I GOT 100 BUCKS SAYING YOU WON'T! HOW ABOUT IT, KID? HENDERSON AND WATERS BOTH DID IT.
WOULD BUY US ONE TERRIFIC DINNER DATE.
TO THE SECOND FLOOR.
YOU'RE ON.
GOOD.
I'LL GET YOUR 100 BUCKS, THEN I'LL RUN YOUR ASS INTO THE GROUND.
SO, MONA DOES THAT DINNER DATE APPLY FOR ME, TOO? IF YOU WIN BUT YOU WON'T.
I'M SURE THAT YOUNG MAN WILL RISE TO THE OCCASION.
WATERS? HENDERSON? HEY.
GREAT ARM GAG, SPARKS.
I DIDN'T DO IT.
I THOUGHT YOU DID.
HEY, WE GOTTA FRY THIS LITTLE TWERP OR IT'S GONNA COST ME A C-NOTE.
FRIED.
WATERS? HENDERSON? THIS ISN'T FUNNY, GUYS! WATERS? OH, SHIT! OH, JESUS CHRIST! GOD, HE'S ON ME! HE'S GONNA KILL ME NOW! I SAW IT! I SAW COUGHER'S GHOST WITH AN AX! IT'S REAL! HE TRIED TO KILL ME! TAKE A GOOD LOOK, ASSHOLE.
IT'S JUST A DUMMY WITH A STUPID MASK WE RIGGED.
DID I CALL THIS, OR WHAT?! WE'RE TALKING WALL OF SHAME, HERE GUYS.
MR.
GUTLESS WONDER OF 1993.
NO! IT WASN'T A DUMMY! IT WAS A GHOST! IT WAS UPSTAIRS! I SAW HIM! BULLSHIT.
THE WHOLE THING'S BULLSHIT, INCLUDING THE LEGEND.
PLEDGEMASTER SECRET-- THE WHOLE THING WAS MADE UP YEARS AGO AND PRINTED IN THE SCHOOL PAPER SO PLEDGES COULD RESEARCH IT FOR INITIATIONS.
IT NEVER HAPPENED! THERE'S NO COUGHER.
THERE NEVER WAS.
AND ARLING'S JUST A WUSS.
YOU OWE ME 100 BUCKS, AND IT'S BUYING ME A DATE WITH MONA.
SHE LIKES MEN, NOT WIMPS.
AIN'T THAT RIGHT, SWEETHEART? ALL RIGHT, WILTON, CALL DOWN THE REST OF THE PLEDGES SO WE CAN HIT THE TRAIL.
WATERS! HENDERSON! THIS IS YOUR GRAND AND GLORIOUS PLEDGEMASTER HERE.
I'M IN THE HOUSE.
I WANT YOU TO COME DOWN NOW! WEREN'T YOU SUPPOSED TO GO UP TO THE ATTIC AND BRING 'EM DOWN YOURSELF? WASN'T THAT THE DEAL? SO IT'S AN AMBUSH.
I GO UP THERE AND THOSE TWO JUMP ME.
YOU HAD IT PLANNED ALL ALONG.
WELL, I AIN'T FALLIN' FOR YOUR BULLSHIT, ARLING.
NOT THIS WILTON.
WHAT'S THE MATTER, WILTON, YOU AFRAID OF GETTIN' BUSHWHACKED BY A COUPLE OF DWEEB PLEDGES? YOU CAN'T TAKE THEM GREENHORNS? LES, I THOUGHT YOU WERE A MAN.
OF COURSE I CAN TAKE 'EM.
WATCH THIS.
HEY, SPARKS, CUT THAT OUT! IT WASN'T ME! I--I ALREADY YANKED THE WIRE! UH, SPARKS, MAYBE YOU'D BETTER COME WITH ME.
UH I DON'T REMEMBER HOW WE RIGGED EVERYTHING UP HERE.
HEY, YOU'RE ON YOUR OWN.
ME, I'M AFRAID OF GHOSTS.
UH, I'LL TELL YOU WHAT-- I'LL GO FIRST AND YOU, UH, YOU GUYS FOLLOW RIGHT BEHIND ME.
US BROTHERS GOT TO STICK TOGETHER, RIGHT? BAWK! BUCK BUCK! BUCK BUCK BUCK BAWK! BAWK BAWK BAWK! HEY, COME ON! THERE'S A DIFFERENCE BETWEEN BEING CHICKEN AND BEING STUPID! OH, YEAH? HOW WOULD YOU KNOW? I'LL REMEMBER THIS.
I'M GOING TO PAY BACK EACH AND EVERY ONE OF YOU.
YOU REMEMBER ME? DEE DEE DeWITT.
FROM THE WALL OF SHAME.
I GUESS I PROVED THAT YOU'RE NOT GAMMA DELTA MATERIAL, EITHER.
HA HA HA! BAWK! BUCK BUCK BUCK BUCK BUCK BUCK BAWK! INCREDIBLE, MAN.
AND ABOUT THOSE OTHER PLEDGES-- I PUT A NOTE ON THE ATTIC DOOR TELLING THEM NOT TO SIGNAL OR DO ANYTHING UNTIL THEY HEARD THE PASSWORD-- HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
AND I SIGNED THE NOTE "LES WILTON.
" NOBODY DOES THAT TO ME! LET'S GO, GIRLS.
MONA! WAIT! I WON! YOU OWE ME A DATE! ALL RIGHT, WILTON, CALL DOWN THE REST OF THEM PLEDGES SO WE CAN ALL VAMOOSE.
DO IT! WATERS! HENDERSON! HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
NOW GET DOWN HERE! DID YOU HEAR ME? I SAID HAPPY BIRTHDAY! NOW MOVE! I SWEAR TO GOD, IF YOU'RE FUCKIN' WITH ME AGAIN HEY.
MAYBE THEY ARE GONNA JUMP YOU.
HA HA HA HA HA! GO UP AND GET 'EM, WILTON.
GO GET 'EM OR WE'RE EXPELLING YOUR ASS.
I COULD QUIT.
THAT'S WHAT I OUGHT TO DO.
DeWITT.
SO IT WAS YOU THAT RIGGED THE ARM? ARM? WHAT ARM? THIS ARM.
HEY, NO.
IT AIN'T MINE.
OH, MY GOD.
THAT'S A PLEDGE RING! IT'S HENDERSON'S! GOOD LORD! WATERS! HENDERSON! I'M GONNA READ BOTH YOUR ASSES FOR THIS.
WATERS? HENDERSON? WELCOME TO DELTA OMEGA ALPHA PLEDGE NIGHT.
WE JUST LOVE FRATERNITY BOYS.
YOU SEE, D.
O.
A.
IS AN ALL-GHOUL SORORITY.
YOU'RE ABOUT TO BECOME DELTA OMEGA MATERIAL NOW.
DINNER.
SEE, LES? YOU GET YOUR DINNER DATE AFTER ALL.
AND I'M JUST SO FAMISHED FOR A MAN.
REMEMBER, PLEDGES, EAT EVERY BITE OR YOU'LL END UP ON THE WALL OF SHAME! WALL OF SHAME THE HONORABLE JUDGE CRYPTKEEPER POOR LES.
I KNOW THEY SAY THAT COLLEGE COSTS AN ARM AND A LEG, BUT THIS IS RIDICULOUS! STILL, I THINK HE'D HAVE BEEN HAPPY TO KNOW HE WAS PART OF ONE LAST FOOD FRIGHT.
AH.
I SEE WE'VE REACHED A VERDICT.
MEMBERS OF THE GORY, DO YOU FIEND THE DEFENDANT GUILTY OR NOT GUILTY? WHAT DO YOU KNOW? A HUNG JURY.