The Goldbergs s05e07 Episode Script

1 Ahh.
The '80s.
Back then, the economy was booming.
Everyone wanted a piece of it.
The clothes were loud and shiny.
The phones were big and silly.
And the movie that best captured all that decadence was "Wall Street".
[Horn honks.]
It was a tale of rich guys getting richer, and no one loved it more than my uncle Marvin.
He made it his life mission to teach us his favorite motto, "Greed is good".
That's right.
Cadillac.
- The "Cadillac of Cars".
- Whoa! I'm a real stock broker now inspired by the loveable character that Michael Douglas plays in the movie "Wall Street".
Check out my shoulder pads.
Feel that power.
- Wow.
- Do you like that? So soft, but so commanding.
I can set you up with my shoulder pad guy.
My shoulders have always been my problem area.
Then let me teach you the secrets of becoming a rich Wall Street titan.
No, no, no.
Do not listen to him.
You don't even know what we're talking about! Oh, let me guess.
Cutting corners and stupid get-rich-quick schemes.
Wrong! We're talking about cutting corners and smart get-rich-quick schemes.
Barry, whatever this moron says, do the opposite.
[Scoffs.]
You really going to do the opposite of the guy who has a toe ring on every single toe? Doesn't matter.
My dad'll never let me play the stocks.
I already promised him I'd become a stupid doctor so I could help save people's stupid lives.
Please.
You want tacky wood paneling or classy gold spray paint? But Murray says becoming a doctor is the smartest decision of my life.
You sound crazy right now.
It takes eight years to become a doctor.
I can make that kind of cheddar in eight seconds.
That sounds right.
Everything sounds right with your hair slicked back, baby.
Screw medicine! Screw it! I hereby renounce my dreams for whatever it is that got you that suit.
Exactly! What has medicine ever done for anybody? You, my son, are ready for these.
[Chuckles.]
How do I look? Rich.
[Both chuckle.]
And a little crazy, I'm not going to lie.
Cuckoo! I'm twisted up inside But nonetheless, I feel the need to say I don't know the future But the past keeps getting clearer every day It was Thanksgiving, 1980-something, the day that my universe would literally change forever.
"E.
T.
" the video game? Wow! Oh, sweet glorious balls! It's the commercial for the new "E.
T.
" game.
I love you, Atari! You are a god! Are girls still a thing for boys in high school? Remember this moment, Pops.
After today, our lives change forever.
Different things excite us.
[Doorbell rings.]
Adult Adam: As I prepared for the arrival of "E.
T.
", Erica had just landed home from college.
Brace yourself, Geoff.
I don't know which direction my mom's coming at me, but she's coming in hard.
Huh.
Schmoopaloo! Oh! Where did she come from? I was looking that exact direction.
Oh, my baby's finally home from college and back in my loving arms.
- So loving and strong.
- I'm sorry.
It's just this is the best thing that's ever happened to me in, like, ever.
Glad to see you're in such a good mood.
Usually at Thanksgiving, you're a frazzled, gravy-stained mess.
Well, not this year.
The "Bevolution" has begun, baby! Bevo-what? My journey of change and personal growth.
Surely you've heard of it.
It's a very big deal.
I've been busy with school and getting into college and stuff.
Well, this year, Turkey Day is all about taking it easy.
So, you're not going to cook for days without sleep and then break down crying because your ungrateful children won't help? That me is dead and gone.
This year, I've invited 50 people over for pot luck.
I heard Coach is bringing his famous protein-packed string beans.
I have to eat the coach's food? I'm very depressed now.
He can bring whatever he wants.
Yep.
It'd be a casual Thanksgiving for my mom.
But not for my sister, who came home with a whole lot of baggage.
Take a break, Geoff.
I really have to talk to you.
Oh, come on! I've only been here for two minutes! Thanks for ruining my life, Erica! Okay, what's happening right now? We both know what's happening.
You're dumping me.
- I knew it.
- What? Why would you think that? It's Thanksgiving break.
It's when people come home from college and break up with their high school sweetheart.
It's a rite of passage.
They call it the "turkey drop".
Listen you big idiot, I love you.
I'm not dumping you.
Yes! Love wins! No, Geoff.
Stop unpacking and listen.
Oh, sorry, yeah.
What was the serious talk about? Nothing much.
I'm just in crippling credit-card debt.
What? Who would give you a credit card? - You're completely irresponsible.
- I know! I was just walking to class, and there was this booth with this really friendly dude who said if I'd fill out this form then I would get a credit card and a really cute beach tote.
So, what do you owe? Nothing to freak out over.
$3,000?! At 33% interest?! I know, pretty good, right? Oh, God, no! You are completely clueless.
But I love you.
Don't break up with me.
Relax.
I have a plan, but I need your help.
- Whatever you need.
- Okay.
You coldly dump me in front of my mom and then I run into her arms crying my eyes out, thereby lowering her defenses that when I ask for the money, she has to say "Yes".
Wait, so we are breaking up? - Yes, but not for real.
- But it'll feel real to me.
I'm too sensitive for this bull crap.
Seriously, Geoff? If you can't be there for me in a time of need, then why are we even together? Oh, God, now you're actually breaking up with me! Never mind.
I'll just figure it out on my own.
On your own, like, as a single woman, on your own? - No! God! - Wha! While my sister was trying to figure out how to get out of debt, my brother was going to get rich quick in my uncle's boiler room.
Welcome to Wall Street, gentlemen.
I'm sure that Barry has filled you in on the basics of our little business endeavor.
He told us we could triple our money in three days.
I can't make any promises.
But what I can do is promise that it will happen for sure.
- No question! - I like those odds.
Cough it up, JTP!.
JTP.
JTP.
JTP.
- Boom! - Nest egg, baby! - 1,000 bucks?! - My entire inheritance from Aunt Rose.
What? She left me nothing, man.
I let her take my arm to walk to the car once Doesn't matter.
All right.
Let's get rich.
What am I doing, huh? I'm pacing, right? Stockbrokers never stand still.
They're like sharks on cocaine.
What you want is a dollop of gel.
This is your phone! Always scream into your phone! It makes you sound scary and important! Make sure you can't see fingers at all.
Fire my secretary! Hire a secretary! Well, how was your weekend, Claude?! Every hair must be in place, because if not, it shows weakness.
If you're gonna work the floor, you got to know the hand signals.
Buy Sell Short the stock.
Long the stock.
Shred the evidence.
I will fight all of you.
Why'd you let the Feds into my office? Call my wife.
Tell her that I'm sorry.
Please don't send me to jail.
I will rat out everyone! - Good? - Whoo! Hey, Marvin, is that your Cadillac in the driveway? Saw a couple of hobos scraping up the gold with a pocket knife.
Get the hell away from the Where are the hobos? There are no hobos.
Whatever harebrained scheme you're up to, I want Barry out of it.
I am just trying to teach your son how to be like Charlie Sheen from the movie "Wall Street".
He betrays his father and goes to prison in that movie.
Thanks for blowing the ending! Barry finally made a good decision to be a doctor.
I'm not going to let you ruin it with one of your bonehead rackets.
My "rackets" are not boneheaded.
Oh, yeah? How about formal pajamas? Baby college? Powdered yogurt? Dogs for dogs? Foot mittens? Spoons made out of meat? Airplanes that just drive?! Ground planes was a good idea.
That's called a bus! Clearly, I know what I'm doing or else Barry wouldn't trust me with his life inheritance.
Lucky for Barry, I don't trust you.
Ground planes was a good idea.
As my dad was sabotaging Barry's new career, my sister was about to work our mom for some cash.
Did you know there's a wonderful parade on Thanksgiving? Seriously, why have I been torturing myself every year at Thanksgiving when it is so much easier to let Virginia Kremp do everything? Bevy, do you have another pan? I think we're crowding the carrots.
You got this, Ginzy.
I really don't! This is the best Thanksgiving ever! It's not.
Me and Geoff had a fight.
Ooh, is he going to get it! No, no, no.
Don't bring it up to him.
Just take my word for it.
I can't actually stir the gravy and baste the bird at the same time.
- Can't do it.
- Point is, I could really use your love and help right now.
- Can't do it.
Only one woman.
- You name it, Schmoopy.
Whatever I can do, I'm here for you.
Maybe [Softly.]
Give me $3,000 so I can pay off my credit-card debt? $3,000?! Who the hell would give you a credit card?! [Normal voice.]
I know I messed up, but you can't be mad, because my heart still hurts from that fight I mentioned earlier.
- Oh! Oh! - Mommy, please.
Rescue your little squishy, snuggly shmoopie-woopie from the mean money man.
- No way! - I just picked up a whole pan of hot yams - without oven mitts! - Erica, you spent the money.
That means you got to figure out a way to pay it back.
But you're supposed to bail me out and I learn some stupid life lesson and we both go on our merry ways.
If I bail you out, you'll never learn a lesson.
Via la Bevolution! Oh! Oh, sweet buttered corn! Keep going, Ginzy.
I believe in you.
- Beverly, please! Beverly! - I really hate the Bevolution.
This is your home! Geoff, stop organizing my tapes.
- Did it work? - No! Can you believe my mom didn't just hand over $3,000? Maybe I can help.
I'm pretty good with money.
You have money? I need money.
Can I have your money? Well, it's from my Bar Mitzvah and it's kind of for college.
It's perfect.
I'm in college.
Yeah, I guess I can go down to the bank with my mom so she can co-sign the withdrawal and Please.
We know that Linda will be a big jerk and say, "No".
Right.
She's the worst! I'll never forgive her for this! Are you just agreeing with me so I don't dump you? No! Yes! I don't know! I'm totally freaking out, man.
I just sold out my own mother so fast! I should be the one freaking out, Geoff.
I'm so screwed.
Well, on the bright side, at least you didn't sink all your money into some investment scam like Barry.
Investment scam.
What investment scam? Oh, no! Please don't join your uncle's illicit "boiler room".
They have a boiler room? Where? In your basement, next to the actual boiler.
Sweet! All I have to do is get a credit card, take out a cash advance, and get in on my uncle's shady get-rich scheme.
Oh! I love you.
[Sighs.]
All right, JTP minus Geoff.
JTP minus Geoff! Now that insane riches shall be showered upon us, it is crucial we make smart decisions on how to spend it.
I'm going to do that "Duck Tales" thing where I dive into a mountain of gold coins.
I can't decide whether I want a bidet or a butler who will do bidet stuff.
That's a private decision, bro.
Big news, fellas.
I pooled all of your cash into this perfect investment.
It's an electronics company, and they sell computer thingies.
- Score! - Wall Street! - Dow Jones! - I'm not done, yet.
As of this morning, our stock has gone up 25 points.
Is that good or terrible? Tell us how to feel.
We quadrupled our money.
We're rich! We're rich, we're rich, we're rich! Except for Barry.
Because your dad pulled the check out, - you get squat.
- What?! Most of us are rich, most of us are rich! This is insane.
How could you just turn your back on me? I guess 'cause we're millionaires now and you're not.
Yeah, we just don't have that much in common anymore, - you know.
- But this literally just happened.
Chin up, bud.
I'm always going to be your uncle.
I mean, I may not see you as much now that I'm rich as God and you're just some middle-class piece of garbage.
My dad is so dead! Can you not do that? We don't scream now that we're rich.
I'm middle class! [Sobbing loudly.]
After buttering up my mom had failed, it was time for my sister to solve the problem herself.
Hi.
Are you headed into First National Bank? Um, yeah? Because I can literally save you tens of seconds by handling all your important banking matters right here at this folding table.
9th National Bank? Is that a thing? It sure is.
We may be ninth, but we always put our customers first at this bank.
Not actually a bank, not FDIC insured.
Doesn't matter.
I need a credit card, and I need one fast.
Normally, it takes about two weeks.
But I can see you're not here for any weird reason.
- Definitely not.
- So what's your name? It's uh See, people don't normally pause this much on the most basic question there is.
It's Beverly.
Beverly Goldberg.
Perfect, Beverly.
One moment, please.
Hola.
Como estas? Es Juan Calabasas en la oficina de Jenkintown.
Una pregunta, por favor.
Es Beverly Goldberg una criminal? Bueno! Bueno, bueno.
Muchas gracias.
Beverly, I have great news.
Your credit is excelente, so I just need to see a photo ID.
Yeah, um, it's - Hurry up, please.
- Oh, there it is.
Well, your thumb is over the first name, but I can see your last name is Goldberg, so let's get you that credit card.
Great! Great! And I would like to take a cash advance made out to Erica Goldberg.
Whatever you need, Beverly.
Bueno.
This is it, Dad.
"E.
T.
" the Video Game has landed.
- Go away.
- I knew you'd say that, which is why I made a yummy trail of Reese's Pieces to distract you while I play.
Damn it, you're making me bend down.
But I can't stop! [Laughs.]
This was it the moment the blockbuster met a legendary game maker.
Look at these awesome graphics, Lucky.
Classic Atari.
Let's do this.
Dude, look at E.
T.
go slowly.
He's moving slowly.
Oop, fell in a little pit there.
No big deal.
I'll get him out.
Mm.
Damn it! Balls! Seriously! Not again! How is E.
T.
supposed to get home if he keeps falling in these pits? I just died in the pit.
E.
T.
is dead.
Oh! None of this is from the movie! Father, I've come for the money you owe me.
I'll take it in thousand dollar bills.
Go! What's this about? Marvin's stock went through the roof and I got jack! Well, I did not see that coming.
Well, even a broken clock is right twice a day.
This has nothing to do with telling time! Look, I only took your check 'cause I was trying to protect you.
From what?! Having an amazing life with a personal sandwich chef and a top hat made of diamonds? Trust me, you don't want to live the crazy life of Marvin.
Oh, your boring old life is so great.
- I got no complaints.
- You should! All you do is take off your pants, watch TV, and raise a bunch of ungrateful, awful kids.
You're one of those ungrateful kids.
You're insulting yourself, you moron! Point is, last thing I want is some pathetic life like yours.
So that's how you feel.
Fine.
Here.
Take it.
And to think I was gonna buy the Eagles and let you kick a field goal every game.
Make me rich! Big Tasty's back in, baby! Hope it's not too late.
So you don't make $100 million, you make $50, does it even matter? It does not! Make me rich! That is $500.
Can you turn that into $3,000 in, like, 5 hours? Sure.
If there's anything I know about stocks, it's that they're always going up, right? Um, I don't think you understand the basics - of how the economyworks.
- Bup-bup! So what's this awesome company that we're investing in? They sell these electronic computer thingies.
And what exactly are the "thingies"? They're called Ataris, and that's Japanese for "sure thing".
Yeah, hello, buy all the Atari stock.
Do it! Thank you, Jessica.
Atari? Why does that sound so familiar? And in financial news, Atari stock has taken a hit due to weak sales of it's "E.
T.
" video game.
This is not good.
Legend says they're burying all the unsold copies in the desert.
Why didn't you tell us about that game, nerd? It is literally all I've been talking about! You know we don't listen when you speak.
She's right.
This is all your fault.
- Get him! - Now I owe even more money.
How could you let me do this, Geoff? Me?! All I wanted was to stay together, but what's the point? Your credit's in the crapper.
Now we'll never afford a starter home.
Starter home? I thought we were going to live in the city for a few years.
You know, mattress on the floor like young starving artists.
We can't even afford a bed frame? That's no life! I'm going to be an ophthalmologist.
I need a good night's sleep.
Oh, so you're just going to put your work above me? Your head is always at the office, Geoffrey.
Why are you making me choose?! I put in the hours for you! Hey, he's right, Erica.
He works hard.
Get off his back.
Do not side with him.
Because of you, I had to take out a Mexican credit card in my mom's name.
- You did what?! - Mom! Hi! Before you get mad, just remember that the new Beverly is super chill and doesn't mix in when her kids screw up.
Oh, you mixed me right in when you stole my identity! That's only because my dopey uncle promised me riches in a fast and unrealistic way.
How dare you disparage my good name.
I run a reputable boiler room in the basement with a teenage clientele.
You know what? I don't have to explain myself to you.
I am so out of here! No! No! Nobody leaves! It is Thanks-[bleep.]
-giving! Hi.
Things sounded kind of tense in here, so we figured we'd wait it out.
Our potluck Thanksgiving had finally arrived.
And in true Goldberg tradition, it was not off to a great start.
Yoo-hoo! [Glass clinks.]
Why don't we go around the table and everyone say one thing that you're thankful for.
Can someone send some turkey to the foyer? I'm thankful my daughter hasn't changed at all since going to college.
She's still the same as she's always been.
Aww! Shady and selfish.
Shellfish?! We're having shellfish?! What kind of Thanksgiving is this? Well, I'm thankful for my mom, who abandoned me, which is why I went to my ridiculous uncle.
Well, I'm thankful for Murray, who taught his kids to disrespect me as much as he does! Well, I am thankful for my moron brother, who derailed my son's future in less than 12 hours! Please don't turn this fun tradition into something ugly and spiteful.
Well, I'm thankful for my father, who wants me to be lame and boring like him.
- Please! - And I'm thankful for my idiot son, who insults me to my core even though I'm just trying to help him.
And I'm thankful Shut up!! Did you really think I was not going to find out about that? [Indistinct arguing.]
Oh, no, the giant man is eating all the turkey! It never even got to me! This is why I don't invite you anywhere! You know I need a constant stream of protein! Somebody say something nice now! - Happy Thanks - [Grunts.]
Go around the back.
Something's blocking the door.
It's me! Go around! There, in the clatter of everybody arguing, my family started to realize perhaps they had forgotten the things that matter most.
Lucky for my sister, not everyone did that day.
Geoff, what is this? My Bar Mitzvah money.
It should be enough to pay your mom back.
Wow, you'd do that for me? Of course.
Erica, I want to take care of you for the rest of our lives.
And I want to take care of you.
Which is why I can't take this.
Seriously? I'm not going to have someone bail me out again.
It's up to me to fix it.
I mean, if my mom can become a better person, then so can I.
Wow.
That's really responsible and kind of strange to hear coming out of your mouth.
But I like it.
Yeah, I do, too.
For the record, I'd do the whole mattress on the floor thing for you.
For the record, I'm never breaking up with you.
And I think it's gonna be a long, long time That day, Erica realized it was time to stand on her own.
And after everything, my dad was ready to step up to lend Marvin a hand.
Hey.
I took a hit on my stock, so I figured I'd pawn my hub cabs.
Rocket man, burning out his fuse up here alone Don't.
Here.
What, do you want to play the market? Keep it.
Happy Thanksgiving.
Mur-Man oh, thank you! Oh, thank you so much! Thank you.
In that moment, my brother saw that the best life wasn't necessarily the flashiest life.
Whoa.
Did you just bail out Uncle Marvin? Yeah, he's family.
It's what we do.
Well, I don't want to be the guy who you always have to bail out.
Who do you want to be? You.
Till touch down brings me round again to find I'm not the man they think I am at home Oh, no, no, no I think this belongs to you.
"9th National Bank".
You should cut it up, like, immediately.
Well, that would be a start.
I know.
Which is why I'm going to take a work-study to pay you back.
And I'm sure it'll take a long time for you to forgive me, but I promise I forgive you.
Really? I know what I said.
The thing is, I'm always going to want to swoop in and save you.
But I think we both know, in the end, it doesn't help either of us.
I'm proud of you, Mom.
You're really trying to change.
Kind of makes me want to change, too.
You know, this whole thing has made me think maybe there are some things in this family that should never be touched.
Like what? And I think it's gonna be a long long time And so, we went back to our usual Thanksgiving.
When I think back to my family sitting around that table, everyone together happy and healthy those were the best times of my life.
Truth is, I couldn't see it then, but those are the richest memories I'm most thankful for.
[Indistinct conversation.]
Yeah! [Laughs.]
Oh, hello, Miss Goldberg.
Back for another credit card? Perhaps a small business loan? I know you're good for it.
Cut the crap.
You and I both know that I'm not Beverly and you're not a legit bank.
- Cancel this account.
- Of course.
I'd be delighted to.
Ohh.
Little snaff here.
Uh, you opened this with 9th National.
As you can see, that's not us.
Do what she says now! Mom, I thought you said that you weren't gonna swoop in and save me anymore.
I know.
But Mama's name is on that card, so Mama's gonna take this one last ride.
Okay, I can see that you mean business.
And, unfortunately, mine is closed!