The League s05e07 Episode Script

Hey, do you have any coasters? No.
That's one of the amazing things about this place-- you can use the furniture as actual furniture.
- Go ahead, you should try it.
- This place is way - better than our house.
- You mean, my house.
Yeah, this place is real dicey! What is that? Holy shit.
That's not comedy.
You need to take that stand-up class again, Andre.
I actually am taking that stand-up class again.
I failed the first time.
But I think it'll be fun to be the fun doctor around the office.
Andre, you don't want to be the funny doctor.
The last car to go down that road was Patch Adams.
I beg to differ, and that's why I hope you all join me at my stand-up comedy showcase.
Oh, no! Oh, God.
You have to go.
Look, it's a bringer show.
If there's no one in the audience, I can't perform.
I got a lot bigger problems than Andre's shitty comedy show.
My buy-week issues are insane.
That's right, you're coming up against Pete-top, Kevin-bottom.
I don't give a shit about that.
My players are amazing.
If I pick somebody up, I got to drop somebody really valuable.
I mean, what am I gonna do, drop Percy Harvin? He's coming back.
Don't want to drop him.
Mm-hmm.
I think, at this point, the smartest thing to do-- not pick up anybody.
What? I'm gonna start my team down two players.
Why? It's kind of the ultimate move in fantasy disrespect.
I'm gonna play you with one hand tied behind my back.
And you're gonna lose.
Am I, though? Yeah, 'cause I'm gonna beat you.
Will you? Yeah, 'cause I'm gonna set the lineup that's gonna knock you out of the park.
Will it? Yeah, 'cause I'm not gonna Oh, you think you're gonna make me overthink this? It's interesting to think about.
Well, I'm not going to, okay, 'cause I know I'm gonna win even when you have your I don't know what game you're It's not a I'm fine.
I I'm not spending any extra time on this, you're not gonna mess with my head.
Won't I? You're not.
Hey, I like your lamp.
It's like a big old dick! What was that? That's a joke.
So, Jenny, the philosophy behind our investment club is to empower women.
We are very particular about who we let into the Lucrative Ladies Club.
Yes, very particular.
We're looking for women who are impressive.
You could be impressive.
- You might be impressive.
- I would love to be impressive.
Okay, and there's also a social aspect of this club, yes? We're looking for husbands who are equally impressive.
My husband is very impressive.
It seems like every day, I catch myself saying, "I can't believe you just did that.
" Is he well-read? Well-kept? Well-spoken? Well What's his name? Kevin.
Hmm.
Kevin Arian Foster Fitzgerald Peterson MacArthur, the third.
Hmm.
Hmm.
But ever since his prep school days, we all just call him Kip.
Kip.
Mm-hmm.
Kip.
I'd love to meet Kip.
Me, too.
Thank you.
The other day, I was at the bank, and, um, my teller was this old Southern shrimp boat captain, so I gave him a 20, and he was like,: "Oh, a $20 bill.
Oh, now how do you want that? You want two tens?" And I was like, "Hey, just give me whatever you want.
" He's like, "No, no, I got to keep 'em separated.
I keep 'em all separated.
" Okay, that's good.
What is that? Uh, that's is Crawdad Man.
Remember, class, just because you don't have talent doesn't mean you can't make it in this industry.
I tell myself that every day, yeah.
It takes hard work, perseverance.
You want to be the person who lights their farts on fire at a party? No.
Or do you want to be the person who lights their farts on fire on a stage? Whoa, whoa.
I can do that? It's an option for you.
Okay, like a farting mime? Like, I'll be, like No? Okay.
That's something I can work on.
I can work on that.
You need to do your thing.
Okay.
You need to find your truth.
What is your thing? I don't know.
Tell me.
You are an untalented, uncharismatic, nondescript, balding white male? And that's very difficult to pull off.
That's your thing, so you got to work with it.
Oh, I need a I need a better thing.
I need a thing like-like her thing, you know? Well, what's my thing? You know what your thing is.
No, actually, I don't know what my thing is.
What's my thing? You're doing it right now, right? What is it? What is it? What's my thing? Guys, tell her.
Whatever this thing is that you say I got, why you can't tell me what it is? 'Cause I'm not saying it's a bad thing, not saying it's a good thing, I like your thing, but you got a thing.
Okay, that's You know what your thing is? You're an idiot.
How about that? Okay.
By the way, I'm giving you a compliment, okay? You know what? Shut up.
What all comics need to do is you need to say the things people are afraid to say.
You got to find the specifics.
Gonna bees, uh, specific! Is that Hitler? Okay, I got it.
Bitch, let me tell you something.
Hey, was that supposed to be me? Aha.
You're admitting you have a thing.
Please don't make me come up there.
Okay, Ben, you're next.
Uh, tip your waitress.
Can you stop talking? Okay.
Just No, don't tap.
No talking, no Okay.
Keep 'em separated.
Hmm.
"Welcome to the Total Gym XL.
" Height: six-three.
Weight: One eighty "How do you feel?" Good.
Good overall, but surely, there are elements that can be improved.
"I don't appreciate how Jenny is constantly emasculating me in front of the guys.
It's embarrassing.
And I'm not exactly where I thought I'd be in my career.
I figured by this time, I would be at least Judge MacArthur or Senator MacArthur.
Certainly not District Attorney MacArthur.
" Assistant District Attorney.
Hey, babe, what you doing? Hey.
What's up? Look at this, huh? Yeah.
Got it all ready to go.
You still gonna love me when I'm jacked? Does jacked mean you can fit back into your tux? Probably not the pants.
Big news.
The LLC approved me.
Oh! The Lucrative Ladies Club.
I'm in.
I'm a lady.
Congratulations.
That's awesome.
I know.
I'm so excited.
What kind of club is it? It's just a really great group of women, and we talk about just investments.
Investments? Yeah.
All right, well, don't worry about it, okay? I've got us taken care of.
You do? Yeah.
I've been investing for years now.
Stocks, CDs, bonds? No, I've-I've got funds.
Mutual funds? Not exactly.
Just, more like, you know, different funds stashed throughout the house.
You know, like, I have a pizza fund and a kid fund and a little fun fund.
What's a fun fund? For when, like, I go to the batting cages.
You go to the batting cages? I used to, but they make you wear a helmet, and they don't have one that fits my head.
Right.
It sounds like you have a really good handle on our finances.
Yeah, I do.
If you're cool with it, I might still play around with the ladies, just for social reasons.
You can do what you want, but I got us.
Been investing.
I'm all over the place, diversified.
You're diversified throughout our house.
I love you.
All right, know that I have taken care of you.
Remember that.
"I feel like she's beginning to doubt my financial acumen.
Maybe I should start a therapist's fund.
" No, no, no.
That would just take away from my pizza fund.
Ooh, pizza would be really good right now.
So I said to the patient, "You have Alzheimer's.
" And he said to me, "What's the bad news?" He died later that month.
Hi, Dr.
Ewing, hi.
Oh, Dr.
Nowzick, hello.
Hey, how you guys doing tonight? It's actually 11:30 a.
m.
You ever notice that hospitals are kind of like the set of Star Wars? I mean, what's this guy, uh, a old school R2-D2? Like Just a medical cart.
Where's that Princess Leia hologram? Princess Leia, hello? Princess Leia? I wouldn't go No, that's not Princess Leia.
That's highly toxic used needles.
You probably contracted something.
Oh, well, uh, then help me, Obi-Wan.
I haven't seen all the Star Wars movies, but I don't believe that Obi-Wan can help you with Hepatitis C.
Thank you.
You know what, if you want the show to continue, just follow me right into this room.
Is there a medical emergency of some kind? Oh, it's actually a joke emergency.
We have other rounds to Uh, it is it is actually a medical emergency, so come, please, yes? Oh, my goodness.
What do we have here? Looks like someone in a coma.
Yes, he appears stable though.
"Oh, hello.
My name's Joe.
" I'm beginning to suspect this is not a medical emergency.
"No, we're just being a little cheeky, right? Behave.
" This man will be moved to hospice later today.
Please let him die with dignity or at least as part of a more coherent act.
Oh, oh, oh Barely alive, barely alive This is the saddest day this ward has ever seen, and this is the terminal ward.
Maybe he's, uh, a Southern - shrimp boat captain.
- "Oh, you got to keep 'em separated.
You got to keep 'em separated or they're gonna eat themselves" What? What's going on here? Who are you? "Hey! Nice sweater! Bill Cosby called.
He wants his closet back.
" We are his family.
Oh.
You must be so proud.
He's in a coma.
So proud and so sad.
So I got to pick a stage name.
I'm thinking either Diamond Doc Nowzick, huh? Or I wear all my scrubs and I call myself Dr.
Laughs.
What about Lamey Foxx? I have a lot of good stuff.
Paula Shitstone.
Okay, what's up with delis, right? You go into Oh, no.
What? Wait, no, no, no, no, no.
You guys are not supposed to be here.
Why? I told you, today is my Lucrative Ladies Club meeting.
I am trying to maintain the impression of being a classy, sophisticated lady about town.
That is your problem right there.
I have spent all morning clearing out all of the classless shit in this house, and that includes all of you guys, okay? So this frittata rodeo has got to hit the road.
I don't think so.
I drove all the way out to the suburbs; I'm staying.
Yeah, I need an audience to workshop my bits.
Fine, you guys can stay in here.
Do not go in there.
Do not make a sound.
I will let you know when you can come out.
So we can have our bro time, we just got to do it Anne Frank style? Coming.
My God.
Okay.
Good-bye, trashy magazines.
Maude.
How are you? It's so good to see you.
Good to see you.
Hello, hi.
Please come in.
Oh, Corbusier.
Did you see the retrospective? Oh, who didn't? God, wonderful.
Where's Kip? Kip? Yeah.
Kip is doing social work today.
Mm-hmm.
He works with inner-city kids, teaching them to cook with gredients from the urban garden that they planted together.
Wow, yeah, I've read about that.
Yeah, I read about that, too.
Yeah, and then from there, he goes straight to his advanced Italian class.
He is obsessed with the idea of writing me poetry in Italian.
Aw.
Aw.
Yeah, he's something else.
That Kip.
Um, you know, I have a plumber in the garage, I know.
He's plumbing.
Just make yourselves comfortable.
There's wine and cheese.
All right, great, thank you.
Oh, look at, the kid's got a block on the outside.
Yeah! That was a good block.
Hey, shh! What part of "keep it down" don't you understand, Kip? Who's Kip? Hey, hey, give me that back.
Kevin, just No, no, no, no, no, no! Hey! That's our lifeline! Bitches be trippin'.
Andre, no.
I can hear something.
I'm basically the father figure around here.
That is taken care of.
They can't take care of themselves.
People ask me for advice.
I give it to them.
I don't charge them for it.
Ladies, Taco, hi.
Hey, Jenny.
What are you doing here? Taco Corp is looking for funding, so I decided to pop in.
I am so sorry.
And I am so grateful.
Thank you for bringing in a guest speaker.
All right, Mr.
Taco, let's talk Taco Corp.
What kind of businesses do you dabble in? Well, Taco Corp is multi-faceted.
We have dealings in telecommunications.
Excellent, excellent.
Ringtones.
Textiles.
Nice.
Pee bibs.
We develop weapons for the military.
Wow.
The brown note? We're working on cloud technology.
Yes, of course.
Our Taco is always in the cloud.
I'm in the cloud right now.
Wow.
Yeah, and the whole operation began out of a storage container.
Whoa.
Whoa.
That he still lives in.
And what kind of tax shelter do you recommend? I don't recommend shelters at all.
Stop using them three years ago.
Very risky.
You can get murdered in one of those things.
Wow, you're operating on a whole different level than us.
That's the cloud.
Oh, cheers, cheers.
To Taco Corp.
Taco Corp.
To Taco Corp.
Oh, boy.
Mmm, mmm.
More.
You guys want to hear about the time I sold cowboys.
com back to the Cowboys? Yes, please.
Yes, please.
You guys hungry? We have bread, we have meat, we have cheese.
I love you, good-bye.
Whoa, hey.
You know, sometimes she treats me like an animal.
I'm not an animal.
What is that? This is Kevin's diary, where he writes all of his specific thoughts about his reps.
Observation notebook.
It's my journal, and I'm not doing this here, all right? So, thank you.
Well, one thing I can do here is make an announcement.
Pete, I will also be playing seven players this weekend.
So you are gonna lose fair and square, my friend.
Why would you do that? Well, 'cause he's never gonna let me live it down.
If I beat him and he's only got seven players, he's gonna make a whole thing out of it.
That's stupid, Ruxin.
You realize that just because you are the Sacko, you don't have to actually be the worst.
Yeah, and he doesn't even have a choice.
You have a choice.
So I'll just play all nine guys.
Are you gonna welch now? What? You gonna chicken out? Oh, yeah, now you can't welch.
Welcher! You're a welcher, bro.
You said you were gonna do it; now you're not gonna do it.
Flip-flop, flip-flop You know what, guys, if he wants to start an extra player, let him start Wes Welcher.
It's fine.
You know what Oh, oh, very funny.
You know what, the puppeteer moving all the strings here.
This is all collusion.
You guys have been planning this from the beginning, and you know what, I've had enough! I don't need this.
I'm out.
You brought this on.
I'm leaving, I'm leaving.
Bye, Wes Welcher.
Hey, Kevin, your wife, Ariel Castro's, locked us in the garage.
I'm going out the garage door! Hey, do you have a funny bone? Find out at my comedy show.
Come on, hey, all right.
What are you doing on Monday? There you go, all right.
Comedy consultations.
The doctor is in.
Yes, thank you.
What? Hey, give me those.
My associates and I would like to build a paper boat! Just stop making a scene and go please.
By the way, you smell of feces.
It's not me; it's you.
Kettle black.
Good day.
Oh hey.
Hey! Good day! Uh, actually, sir I can't believe Taco got the LLC to go to Andre's stupid stand-up show.
Taco told them it was worth seeing.
They listen to everything Taco says.
Who listens to anything Taco says? I don't know.
The other day he called me up to tell me, "I like biscuits.
" I like biscuits.
I like biscuits, too.
But then he sent me a text later on: "I still like biscuits.
" I don't know what to tell you, but the ladies love him.
So we're going.
Awesome.
So, uh, when do you want to leave? Oh.
Um I mean, I have errands to run.
I can run errands.
Tampons.
I'm great with tampons now.
I look directly at the cashier and I say, "Tampons, please," with a big smile.
It's a power trip for me.
You know what? I was just thinking we'd take separate cars.
Wait, wait, wait.
You don't want to be seen with me? I want to impress the Lucrative Ladies! Go ahead, go ahead.
Go out, hang out with your friends.
I love you.
I feel like I look fine, though.
I really do.
Is this sweatshirt on backwards? 'Cause the loops go down both sides, and I-I Oh, bye, Kevin.
I put it on both ways.
I'll see you there.
Where's my journal? Where's my journal? What'd she do with my journal? Where'd she put it? Oh! Did someone put it in here?! Jenny left, I can't find my journal.
It's got to be here somewhere.
Oh Oh, God! God, c-come on.
Oh, I got to go.
Oh, I got to go! Oh Great.
I'm a mess.
And I have no time to change.
Okay.
Got to do what you got to do.
Ah! Good evening, madam.
We are here to see Dr.
Laughs.
Nope, I'm sorry.
Not tonight, guys.
But we have a legally binding contract.
And we have a dress code.
And I have a bathrobe.
We demand service! We demand Hi, hi! These are my guests, and, uh, they can put it all on the card.
Now I can perform 'cause I have the right number of people, right? Okay.
Okay, we have a two-drink minimum.
Uh, don't worry.
It's all going on the card.
Oh God.
Smells like a diaper party.
Yeah, except nobody's wearing a diaper.
What can I get you to drink? Ah.
Do you have any wood alcohol? No.
I guess we'll have six red wine and Cokes.
Hello! Hi.
Hello, girlfriend.
Hi, girlfriend.
I was just asking Mr.
Taco here what his next move in the market's gonna be.
Oh.
Market, well My gut's telling me that I should be buying some fruit.
The produce sector.
Very intriguing.
You're so brilliant.
I know.
Are you guys sleeping together? Define "sleeping.
" Hey, everybody, thanks for coming to the Bringer Showcase! I know you're all here because you had to be here, uh that's why I'm here.
So let's give it up for Diamond Doc Nowzick! Dr.
Laughs.
Dr.
Laughs.
Let's give it up for Dr.
Laughs.
You know, I'm kind of feeling the other one.
I feel we should go back.
Andre, come up here.
Yeah, let's give it up.
Yeah.
All right.
Yeah.
Hey, everybody! By the time you're done tonight, you're gonna need an emergency chuckle-ostomy.
You ever notice, uh, when you're going to the bathroom out in a public place, there's always like, a, uh, long line for the ladies', very short line for the men's room Here comes Crawdad Man.
But in the middle there's a Southern boat captain who's like, "Oh! You gotta keep 'em separated!" 'Cause, uh, you know, he's, like, Crawdad Man.
Uh, excuse me.
Yes, uh, some crowd work.
When does the comedy start? Maybe we'll do some observational stuff.
Uh How about we observe you leaving the stage? This is amazing.
Andre is losing a battle of wits with a hobo.
Yeah.
I thought you took the Hippocratic Oath to not make us sick.
Well, and I thought you took an oath of the audience member, which is to be quiet during the show.
I will.
Just let me know when the show starts.
That's what your m said before I had sex with her.
Well, now you have gonorrhea.
Really, everything's coming up Ruxin.
I get to see Andre flail publicly, I'm gonna eke out a two-point win versus you, mano y mano.
You know, there's still the Falcons and the Jets playing right now.
Yeah, but you don't have anybody playing that game.
Unless I decided last minute to pick up, like, a Harry Douglas and a Kellen Winslow off the free agent pile.
You know, just to get a couple of points.
No, that's not fair.
That's collusion! How is that collusion? You're colluding with me against myself! Whoa, hey, simmer down there, fella.
I don't come to your job and knock the mop out of your hands.
I'm not a janitor, Andre.
But you did just get broomed.
Hey, you guys like insult humor.
All right.
Hi.
Uh, I'm here for Dr.
Laughs or Dr.
Giggles I don't know what he's calling himself-- the unfunny doctor? Right this way.
Who do we got? Your friends are right over here.
No, I-I don't I don't know these people.
Ugh, more homeless.
They'll let anybody in.
It's gross.
Take a seat, we have a show going on.
I don't have anyone Nice outfit, sir.
What do you call that? Homeless chic? Where'd you get that? From sleeping in your car? Like he has a car! Shut up oh.
Oh! Hey hello.
God, no.
No! Ew! Ew! Oh, my God, do you know this guy? No.
Yeah, she does.
That's her husband.
That's Kip? Kip? Kip? Hey, Kip.
What the hell.
This is my husband Kevin.
He keeps money in shoeboxes, is a total shit pig, and he is so much more fun than you guys.
Good night.
Whoa, Jenny! What are you wearing? I-I was really late, and I can't find my diary.
Maybe it's because I found it.
You guys want to hear a passage from his diary? No, no, Andre, those are my private reps! "Sometimes I wish I married someone smarter, because then at least my kids would have a chance to get a real job.
" What? I don't that's crazy.
"I swear, half of my wife's vocabulary is just curse words.
" Oh, eat a dick, Andre.
Whoa! Her mouth is so dirty, you guys wouldn't even sleep in it.
What kind of woman are you? I'm awesome.
The kind of woman who takes her husband from behind.
Kind of like I just did to your team.
Oh, you watch your mouth.
Whoa, these guys are fighting, these guys are fighting.
You know what you gotta do? You gotta keep 'em separated! Bravo! Bravo! Taco! Oh, hey, Luther.
You owe me $16 and a bag of old dinner rolls.
Why would you write something like that? That was those weren't my thoughts, that was just what I was thinking! Oh, come on, dummy.
For your information, I'm not the one who screwed you here.
Yes, you are! I just convinced you to take your own dick and screw your own ass.
Well, let me tell you something, Pete! It feels just about the same! You know the rules, Luther.
If you don't keep your dinner rolls in your cart, they're anyone's rolls.
Whoa! That's my time! You guys have been great! Keep 'em separated.