Tim and Eric Awesome Show, Great Job! (2007) s05e07 Episode Script
Stuntmen
1
[ AIR WHOOSHES ]
[ FOOTSTEPS CRUNCH ]
[ METAL CLANKS ]
[ BOTH SPEAK ALIEN LANGUAGE ]
[ UP-TEMPO MUSIC PLAYS ]
DUP-DUP DIDDLYUP DIP-DIP
DIP-DIP
DUP-DUP DIDDLY DIP
[ JACKHAMMER CLANKS ]
DUP-DUP DIP-DIP DIDDLYUP
DIP-DIP
DUP-DUP DIDDLY DIP
[ JACKHAMMER CLANKS ]
DIDDLY DIP
DIDDLY DIP
DUP DIP-DIP DIDD-LY DIP
DIDDLY DIP-DIP-DIP DEE-DIP
DUP DIP-DIP DUP DUH-DIP-DIP
DUH DIP-DIP-DIP-DIP
DUH-DUH-H-H-H-H-H
[ MUSIC ENDS ]
[ JACKHAMMERS CLANKING ]
[ CLANKING QUICKENS ]
Both: OOOOOOOH!
TIM AND ERIC
AWESOME SHOW
TIM AND ERIC
AWESOME SHOW
Both: THANK YOU, O POWERFUL
SUSAN, FOR THE GIFT OF THE
FEMININE SPIRIT.
WE FOLLOW YOU BLINDLY TO THE
GREAT "VAGONOUS."
WE PRAISE YOU, SUSAN.
HELLO.
[ APPLAUSE ]
AND WELCOME TO
"FEMININE PERSPECTIVES," THE
TALK SHOW FROM THE WOMAN'S
PERSPECTIVE.
[ UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYS ]
TODAY ON OUR SHOW, WE HAVE TWO
OFFICIAL HOLLYWOOD STUNTMEN.
MY NAME IS RANDY STONTMEHN,
AND THIS IS MY BROTHER, GENE.
AND YOU DO STUNT-DOUBLE WORK,
TOO?
WHO'S THAT?
I CAN'T TELL THEM APART.
[ CHUCKLES ]
OH, SO, WHAT IS BEING A
STUNTMAN LIKE?
SHOULD I ANSWER?
YEAH, YOU GO FIRST.
NO, YOU START, AND I'LL
INTERRUPT.
OKAY. WE'RE THE STUNT--
ACTUALLY, WE ENJOY IT.
OH.
IT'S CRAZY.
I GO OUT, DO A BUNCH OF
WRESTLING AND HURT MYSELF, AND
I HURT HIM.
I'LL GET HIM RIGHT DOWN HERE.
[ THUD! THUD! ]
HEY!
OH!
[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ]
WE DO A LOT OF KARATE AND SOME
KUNG FU MOVES.
WHAT ACTORS DO YOU GUYS PLAY?
HAVE WE SEEN YOU IN MOVIES
BEFORE?
I'VE PLAYED KEL C. GRAMMARE,
DON BUON JIOVIE.
CRAIG "TEA" NELSON,
JUT HURSH, JHUD NALSON.
KEITHER SULLIVAN.
BIHL COSBI.
YOU REMEMBER "SCAN MAN" FROM
"TURKEY'S" ONE -- LITTLE CHINESE
GUY?
DELLE TABURK, JAY MAWHINNEY.
HOSTA MAHOGEY, WHICH WAS A
VERY DANGEROUS SHOOT.
WHEN WE COME BACK, THEY'RE
GONNA DO SOME STUNTS RIGHT HERE
IN THE STUDIO AND SHOW US HOW
THIS MAGIC WORKS.
TOPLESS.
I HOPE.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
[ WARBLE! WARBLE! WARBLE! ]
[ SQUISH! SQUISH! SQUISH! ]
AH!
[ BREATHING HEAVILY ]
[ WARBLE! WARBLE! WARBLE! ]
[ SQUISH! SQUISH! SQUISH! ]
I-I-I-I-I'M
STEVE MAHANAHAN, OWNER/OPERATOR
OF STEVE MAHANAHAN'S CHILD CLOWN
OUTLET.
I'M GOING TO JA-A-A-A-A-IL!
[ GAG! SPLAT! BURP! GULP! ]
WE'RE GOIN' OUT OF BUSINESS!
TIME TO CLOSE UP SHOP.
I TOUCHED A CLOWN.
NOW I'M GOING TO JAIL.
I T-T-T-T-TOUCHED --
I T-T-T-T--
[ Warbling ] TOUCHED A CLOWN.
NOW I'M GOING TO JAIL.
[ WARBLING ]
I-I-I-I-I-I GOT TO GET RID OF MY
C-C-CLOWNS!
WE'RE HAVING A "GOING OUT OF
BUSINESS" CLO-O-O-O-WN SALE.
OW!
OH!
[ SMACK! SMACK! SMACK! ]
IT'S A CLOWN STARE!
MY FATHER FORCED ME INTO THIS
CHILD-CLOWN BUSINESS!
I [BLEEP] HATE HIM, BUT I LOVE
MY BROTHER.
REST IN PEACE, BOO BOO.
I MISS YOU!
REST IN PEACE, BOO BOO BOO BOO.
LOOK AT THIS CLOWN. HE'S FUNNY.
HE'S GOT NO ARMS.
[ HIGH-PITCHED LAUGH ]
I GOT TO GET RID OF THESE
CLO-O-O-O-O-WNS!
I GOT TO GO TO JAIL!
I HOPE THEY LET ME KEEP MY
BE-E-E-E-E-E-E-ARD!
[ SQUISH! SQUISH! SQUISH!
SQUISH! SQUISH! SQUISH! ]
[ GLUB! GLUB! GLUB! GLUB! ]
[ HIGH-PITCHED SQUEAL ]
[ SOFT MUSIC PLAYS ]
Dr. Brule: [ Echoing ] I WISH
I COULD HAVE "TELE-PATHY."
THEN I CAN THINK ABOUT A FOOD
AND IT WOULD F-FLY AND APPEAR.
WHAT IF I COULD FLOAT RIGHT OVER
THE HEADS OF ALL THE BULLIES?
SAY, "NAH NAH!"
[ LAUGHS ]
HOW COME I CAN'T HAVE THAT?
FOR YOUR HEALTH.
[ UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYS ]
[ APPLAUSE ]IC PLAYS ]
WELL, GUYS, YOU'VE GO
SOMETHING IN STORE FOR US?
ARE YOU GONNA SHOW US ONE OF
YOUR STUNTS?
THAT'S RIGHT, LADIES.
WE'RE PREPARED TO SHOW YOU GUYS
A CLASSIC FIGHT SCENE.
LET'S DO IT.
[ APPLAUSE ]
GUYS, IF YOU NEED TO TAKE
YOUR SHIRTS OFF, IT'S FINE.
[ LAUGHTER ]
I HOPE SO.
OKAY, FOLKS, WE'D LIKE TO DO
A SCENE FROM "TURKEYS 2:
TURKEY'S CRUST."
[ APPLAUSE ]
[ Southern accent ] HEY, I DON'
LIKE THE LOOK OF YOU.
[ Normal voice ] I DON'T HAVE A
SCRIPT.
[ Southern accent ] WHO DO
YOU THINK YOU ARE -- THE SHERIFF
OF THIS TOWN?
HA HA HA HA.
NOW, WHO'S WHO OVER THERE --
RANDY OR GENE?
I DON'T KNOW.
[ LAUGHTER ]
[ BOTH GRUNTING ]
THAT'S GOOD STUNT WORK, GUYS.
I'LL TELL YOU WHAT -- THIS
LOOKS PRETTY REAL.
PSHH!
ROY, YOU DON'T NEED TO CALL
THE AMBULANCE.
IT'S JUST A GAG.
I ALSO LIKE TO USE MY ELBOW
SOMETIMES FOR THAT REAL KNOCKOU
PUNCH.
WATCH CLOSELY.
I'M NOT EVEN TOUCHING HIM.
PSHH!
Aaaaaaaaaah!
Aaah! Aah!
Ungh. Ungh.
NOW, DON'T GET TOO HURT OU
THERE, 'CAUSE WE WANT TO HAVE
YOU GUYS FOR DESSERT.
NOW, THIS IS ONE OF MY GREA
TRICKS THAT I USE.
YOU TAKE THIS GREEN MASK HERE.
HO-HO!
TIGHTEN THIS UP GOOD.
YOU READY, RANDY?
[ Muffled ] ALL RIGHT.
DON'T PULL ANY PUNCHES, NOW.
HERE IT COMES.
OOH.
AAH!
NOW LET'S SEE WHAT HAPPENS
WHEN OUR POSTPRODUCTION GUYS
GET AHOLD OF IT.
ALL RIGHT, ROY, TAKE A LOOK.
[ DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS ]
WHOA.
IT ACTUALLY LOOKED REAL.
[ AUDIENCE GASPS, APPLAUDS ]
GREAT.
GOOD.
ARGH!
CAREFUL, BOYS.
OOOH!
OOH!
OH!
[ SLURP! SLURP! SLURP! SLURP! ]
[ MUSIC ENDS ]
THAT'S HOW -- [CLEARS THROAT]
THAT'S HOW STUNTS ARE DONE.
[ APPLAUSE ]
WHEN WE COME BACK, WE'LL SEE
THOSE STUNT BROTHERS DO SOME GUN
TRICKS.
OOH, A REAL GUN?
[ UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYS ]
[ UPBEAT JAZZ MUSIC PLAYS ]
OH, THIS IS A SNACK?
YEAH.
MMM. VERY GOOD, GUYS.
I THOUGHT THERE WAS GONNA BE
SOME PIZZA OR SOMETHING TODAY.
LATER?
NAH.
I JUST REALIZED THERE IS NO
[BLEEP] MASTER PLAN.
IT'S ALL A BUNCH OF [BLEEP]
NOW, DUDE, I WORKED ON "M.A.S.H"
FOR NINE YEARS.
I RIGGED "M.A.S.H."
ELLIOTT GOULD'S A VERY, VERY
GOOD FRIEND OF MINE.
[ LAUGHS ]
[ COUGHS ]
AND, UH, THANKS FOR JOINING
US ON "ALL DOLLED UP."
WE'LL SEE YOU ANOTHER TIME.
[ ALARM BLARES ]
H-H-H-H-H-H-HEY!
COME ON DOWN TO
DONALD MAHANAHAN'S ORIGINAL
CHILD CLOWN OUTLET!
I'M THE ORIGINAL CHILD CLOWN
OUT--
CLOWN OUT--
CLOWN OUT--
[ High pitched ] CLOWN
OUTLE-E-E-E-T!
[ ALARM BLARES ]
YOU KNOW YOU'RE GONNA LOVE MY
CLOWNS.
COME ON! I BRED 'EM MYSELF!
THESE CLOWNS COME FROM DONNIE'S
SE-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-D!
WHY TRY SOME OTHER MAN'S SEED?
MY SEED'S FRE-E-E-E--
FRESH!
I KEEP MY SEED IN TUBES AND
PLASTIC BAGS.
PUT IT IN YOUR WIFE, YOU'LL GE
A CLOWN IN NINE MONTHS.
THE WOMEN I BREED WITH ARE CLEAN
AND HAVE REAL CLOWN TRAITS.
LOOK, I'M A CLOWN BREEDER.
IT'S IN MY BLOOD.
IT'S IN MY BALLS.
[ ALARM BLARES ]
LET'S GET SOMETHING STRAIGHT.
IT'S NOT MY FAULT MY SON TOUCHED
THOSE CLOWNS.
HE BROKE THE GOLDEN RULE --
NEVER TOUCH THE CLOWNS.
LET THE CLOWNS TOUCH YOU.
[ CHILD CRYING ]
HEY!
HEY, NOT NOW!
DONNIE SAYS "NO!"
HE SHOULD HAVE USED THE STICK
TOOL.
I TOLD HIM. DID HE LISTEN?
HEY, THAT'S FOR A JURY TO
DECIDE.
MY OTHER SON, MIKE, GOT SHOT IN
THE FACE.
SO COME TO ME. ME -- DONNIE!
[ CRYING CONTINUES ]
HEY! FOR THE LAST TIME! QUIET!
I-I-I-I-I-I-I'M GONNA HAVE TO
PUT THEM IN CAGES THEY CAN'T SEE
THROUGH.
[ ALARM BLARES ]
HEY, THIS IS GABRIEL.
HEY, I MADE HIM. HE'S FRESH.
[ CRIES ]
OH, NOT A GOOD TIME RIGH
NOW.
I'M GONNA HAVE TO BURY HIM IN
THE BACK IF HE KEEPS ACTING LIKE
THIS.
HE-E-E-E-E-Y!
I'M THE ORIGINAL CHILD CLOWN
MAN!
RENT FROM THE BE-E-E-E-ST!
[ CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS ]
[ FUNKY MUSIC PLAYS ]
[ BAGPIPE HUMS, SQUEAKS ]
[ OFF-KEY MUSIC PLAYS ]
[ FUNKY MUSIC PLAYS ]
[ APPLAUSE ]
WELL, THANKS FOR STAYING
WITH US.
RIGHT NOW WE'RE GONNA HAVE --
THE STUNT BROTHERS ARE GONNA
SHOW US A VERY EXCITING REAL
GUN TRICK.
SO LET'S TAKE A LOOK.
THAT'S RIGHT.
WE'RE GONNA SHOW YOU GUYS ONE OF
THE OLDEST TRICKS IN MOVIES, AND
THAT'S THE "EXPLODING PUMPKIN."
THE EXPLODING PUMPKIN IS
POSSIBLY THE COOLEST TRICK IN
ANY ACTION FILM, AND WE'RE GONNA
DEMONSTRATE IT RIGHT NOW.
I'M GONNA BALANCE THIS REAL
PUMPKIN ON MY HEAD.
IF I'M JUST A TOUCH OFF, MY
BROTHER GENE'S A GONER.
OH. SWEATY.
[ DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS ]
CAREFUL, BUDDY.
OOH, I DON'T WANT TO SEE
A DEATH TODAY.
I'M NOT MUCH OF A MARKSMAN.
[ CHUCKLES ]
JUST MAKE SURE YOU GET A GOOD
LINE ON IT, BUDDY.
WELL, YOU DON'T MOVE.
THAT'S THE KEY.
I'M HOLDING STILL.
NO, NO, NO, NO.
Careful, careful, careful,
careful, careful.
THE REASON I'M SO NERVOUS IS
THAT THESE ARE LIVE ROUNDS, AND
YOU CAN'T BE TOO CAREFUL WITH --
[ GUNSHOT ]
AAH!
AAH!
OOH!
WHAT HAPPENED?
EVERYONE OKAY?
THIS IS A HOT GUN!
MARSH, YOU ALL RIGHT?
DID THAT GUN REALLY GO OFF?
GENE?
LOOK AT THIS HAIRPIN TRIGGER
HERE.
[ GUNSHOTS, METAL CLANGING,
GLASS SHATTERING ]
YEAH, THERE'S LIVE ROUNDS IN
THERE.
[ CRACKING ]
[ SIGHS ]
THERE'S LIVE ROUNDS IN THERE!
OOH!
[ ELECTRICITY CRACKLES ]
[ AUDIENCE GASPS ]
OH!
MARSH? [BLEEP]
OH! OH!
OH, GOD.
COME ON, MARSH.
SOMEBODY GET HELP!
SOMEBODY GET HELP NOW!
WHY ARE YOU ALL JUST STANDING
HERE?!
GET HELP!
WOULD YOU GET HELP?
SOMEBODY CALL HELP.
CALL 911. I DON'T KNOW.
SHE'S NOT BREATHING!
CALL HELP. GET HELP.
[ Sobbing ] OH, MY GOD.
THERE'S A LOT OF BLOOD HERE!
SHUT THE [BLEEP] CAMERA OFF
NOW AND GET HELP.
GET HELP.
SHE'S NOT BREATHING!
WHAT THE [BLEEP] ARE YOU
DOING?
GET HELP.
THIS WAS ON THE BACK OF HER
HEAD.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
[ UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYS ]
[ BAGPIPES PLAY OFF-KEY ]
[ AIR WHOOSHES ]
[ FOOTSTEPS CRUNCH ]
[ METAL CLANKS ]
[ BOTH SPEAK ALIEN LANGUAGE ]
[ UP-TEMPO MUSIC PLAYS ]
DUP-DUP DIDDLYUP DIP-DIP
DIP-DIP
DUP-DUP DIDDLY DIP
[ JACKHAMMER CLANKS ]
DUP-DUP DIP-DIP DIDDLYUP
DIP-DIP
DUP-DUP DIDDLY DIP
[ JACKHAMMER CLANKS ]
DIDDLY DIP
DIDDLY DIP
DUP DIP-DIP DIDD-LY DIP
DIDDLY DIP-DIP-DIP DEE-DIP
DUP DIP-DIP DUP DUH-DIP-DIP
DUH DIP-DIP-DIP-DIP
DUH-DUH-H-H-H-H-H
[ MUSIC ENDS ]
[ JACKHAMMERS CLANKING ]
[ CLANKING QUICKENS ]
Both: OOOOOOOH!
TIM AND ERIC
AWESOME SHOW
TIM AND ERIC
AWESOME SHOW
Both: THANK YOU, O POWERFUL
SUSAN, FOR THE GIFT OF THE
FEMININE SPIRIT.
WE FOLLOW YOU BLINDLY TO THE
GREAT "VAGONOUS."
WE PRAISE YOU, SUSAN.
HELLO.
[ APPLAUSE ]
AND WELCOME TO
"FEMININE PERSPECTIVES," THE
TALK SHOW FROM THE WOMAN'S
PERSPECTIVE.
[ UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYS ]
TODAY ON OUR SHOW, WE HAVE TWO
OFFICIAL HOLLYWOOD STUNTMEN.
MY NAME IS RANDY STONTMEHN,
AND THIS IS MY BROTHER, GENE.
AND YOU DO STUNT-DOUBLE WORK,
TOO?
WHO'S THAT?
I CAN'T TELL THEM APART.
[ CHUCKLES ]
OH, SO, WHAT IS BEING A
STUNTMAN LIKE?
SHOULD I ANSWER?
YEAH, YOU GO FIRST.
NO, YOU START, AND I'LL
INTERRUPT.
OKAY. WE'RE THE STUNT--
ACTUALLY, WE ENJOY IT.
OH.
IT'S CRAZY.
I GO OUT, DO A BUNCH OF
WRESTLING AND HURT MYSELF, AND
I HURT HIM.
I'LL GET HIM RIGHT DOWN HERE.
[ THUD! THUD! ]
HEY!
OH!
[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ]
WE DO A LOT OF KARATE AND SOME
KUNG FU MOVES.
WHAT ACTORS DO YOU GUYS PLAY?
HAVE WE SEEN YOU IN MOVIES
BEFORE?
I'VE PLAYED KEL C. GRAMMARE,
DON BUON JIOVIE.
CRAIG "TEA" NELSON,
JUT HURSH, JHUD NALSON.
KEITHER SULLIVAN.
BIHL COSBI.
YOU REMEMBER "SCAN MAN" FROM
"TURKEY'S" ONE -- LITTLE CHINESE
GUY?
DELLE TABURK, JAY MAWHINNEY.
HOSTA MAHOGEY, WHICH WAS A
VERY DANGEROUS SHOOT.
WHEN WE COME BACK, THEY'RE
GONNA DO SOME STUNTS RIGHT HERE
IN THE STUDIO AND SHOW US HOW
THIS MAGIC WORKS.
TOPLESS.
I HOPE.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
[ WARBLE! WARBLE! WARBLE! ]
[ SQUISH! SQUISH! SQUISH! ]
AH!
[ BREATHING HEAVILY ]
[ WARBLE! WARBLE! WARBLE! ]
[ SQUISH! SQUISH! SQUISH! ]
I-I-I-I-I'M
STEVE MAHANAHAN, OWNER/OPERATOR
OF STEVE MAHANAHAN'S CHILD CLOWN
OUTLET.
I'M GOING TO JA-A-A-A-A-IL!
[ GAG! SPLAT! BURP! GULP! ]
WE'RE GOIN' OUT OF BUSINESS!
TIME TO CLOSE UP SHOP.
I TOUCHED A CLOWN.
NOW I'M GOING TO JAIL.
I T-T-T-T-TOUCHED --
I T-T-T-T--
[ Warbling ] TOUCHED A CLOWN.
NOW I'M GOING TO JAIL.
[ WARBLING ]
I-I-I-I-I-I GOT TO GET RID OF MY
C-C-CLOWNS!
WE'RE HAVING A "GOING OUT OF
BUSINESS" CLO-O-O-O-WN SALE.
OW!
OH!
[ SMACK! SMACK! SMACK! ]
IT'S A CLOWN STARE!
MY FATHER FORCED ME INTO THIS
CHILD-CLOWN BUSINESS!
I [BLEEP] HATE HIM, BUT I LOVE
MY BROTHER.
REST IN PEACE, BOO BOO.
I MISS YOU!
REST IN PEACE, BOO BOO BOO BOO.
LOOK AT THIS CLOWN. HE'S FUNNY.
HE'S GOT NO ARMS.
[ HIGH-PITCHED LAUGH ]
I GOT TO GET RID OF THESE
CLO-O-O-O-O-WNS!
I GOT TO GO TO JAIL!
I HOPE THEY LET ME KEEP MY
BE-E-E-E-E-E-E-ARD!
[ SQUISH! SQUISH! SQUISH!
SQUISH! SQUISH! SQUISH! ]
[ GLUB! GLUB! GLUB! GLUB! ]
[ HIGH-PITCHED SQUEAL ]
[ SOFT MUSIC PLAYS ]
Dr. Brule: [ Echoing ] I WISH
I COULD HAVE "TELE-PATHY."
THEN I CAN THINK ABOUT A FOOD
AND IT WOULD F-FLY AND APPEAR.
WHAT IF I COULD FLOAT RIGHT OVER
THE HEADS OF ALL THE BULLIES?
SAY, "NAH NAH!"
[ LAUGHS ]
HOW COME I CAN'T HAVE THAT?
FOR YOUR HEALTH.
[ UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYS ]
[ APPLAUSE ]IC PLAYS ]
WELL, GUYS, YOU'VE GO
SOMETHING IN STORE FOR US?
ARE YOU GONNA SHOW US ONE OF
YOUR STUNTS?
THAT'S RIGHT, LADIES.
WE'RE PREPARED TO SHOW YOU GUYS
A CLASSIC FIGHT SCENE.
LET'S DO IT.
[ APPLAUSE ]
GUYS, IF YOU NEED TO TAKE
YOUR SHIRTS OFF, IT'S FINE.
[ LAUGHTER ]
I HOPE SO.
OKAY, FOLKS, WE'D LIKE TO DO
A SCENE FROM "TURKEYS 2:
TURKEY'S CRUST."
[ APPLAUSE ]
[ Southern accent ] HEY, I DON'
LIKE THE LOOK OF YOU.
[ Normal voice ] I DON'T HAVE A
SCRIPT.
[ Southern accent ] WHO DO
YOU THINK YOU ARE -- THE SHERIFF
OF THIS TOWN?
HA HA HA HA.
NOW, WHO'S WHO OVER THERE --
RANDY OR GENE?
I DON'T KNOW.
[ LAUGHTER ]
[ BOTH GRUNTING ]
THAT'S GOOD STUNT WORK, GUYS.
I'LL TELL YOU WHAT -- THIS
LOOKS PRETTY REAL.
PSHH!
ROY, YOU DON'T NEED TO CALL
THE AMBULANCE.
IT'S JUST A GAG.
I ALSO LIKE TO USE MY ELBOW
SOMETIMES FOR THAT REAL KNOCKOU
PUNCH.
WATCH CLOSELY.
I'M NOT EVEN TOUCHING HIM.
PSHH!
Aaaaaaaaaah!
Aaah! Aah!
Ungh. Ungh.
NOW, DON'T GET TOO HURT OU
THERE, 'CAUSE WE WANT TO HAVE
YOU GUYS FOR DESSERT.
NOW, THIS IS ONE OF MY GREA
TRICKS THAT I USE.
YOU TAKE THIS GREEN MASK HERE.
HO-HO!
TIGHTEN THIS UP GOOD.
YOU READY, RANDY?
[ Muffled ] ALL RIGHT.
DON'T PULL ANY PUNCHES, NOW.
HERE IT COMES.
OOH.
AAH!
NOW LET'S SEE WHAT HAPPENS
WHEN OUR POSTPRODUCTION GUYS
GET AHOLD OF IT.
ALL RIGHT, ROY, TAKE A LOOK.
[ DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS ]
WHOA.
IT ACTUALLY LOOKED REAL.
[ AUDIENCE GASPS, APPLAUDS ]
GREAT.
GOOD.
ARGH!
CAREFUL, BOYS.
OOOH!
OOH!
OH!
[ SLURP! SLURP! SLURP! SLURP! ]
[ MUSIC ENDS ]
THAT'S HOW -- [CLEARS THROAT]
THAT'S HOW STUNTS ARE DONE.
[ APPLAUSE ]
WHEN WE COME BACK, WE'LL SEE
THOSE STUNT BROTHERS DO SOME GUN
TRICKS.
OOH, A REAL GUN?
[ UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYS ]
[ UPBEAT JAZZ MUSIC PLAYS ]
OH, THIS IS A SNACK?
YEAH.
MMM. VERY GOOD, GUYS.
I THOUGHT THERE WAS GONNA BE
SOME PIZZA OR SOMETHING TODAY.
LATER?
NAH.
I JUST REALIZED THERE IS NO
[BLEEP] MASTER PLAN.
IT'S ALL A BUNCH OF [BLEEP]
NOW, DUDE, I WORKED ON "M.A.S.H"
FOR NINE YEARS.
I RIGGED "M.A.S.H."
ELLIOTT GOULD'S A VERY, VERY
GOOD FRIEND OF MINE.
[ LAUGHS ]
[ COUGHS ]
AND, UH, THANKS FOR JOINING
US ON "ALL DOLLED UP."
WE'LL SEE YOU ANOTHER TIME.
[ ALARM BLARES ]
H-H-H-H-H-H-HEY!
COME ON DOWN TO
DONALD MAHANAHAN'S ORIGINAL
CHILD CLOWN OUTLET!
I'M THE ORIGINAL CHILD CLOWN
OUT--
CLOWN OUT--
CLOWN OUT--
[ High pitched ] CLOWN
OUTLE-E-E-E-T!
[ ALARM BLARES ]
YOU KNOW YOU'RE GONNA LOVE MY
CLOWNS.
COME ON! I BRED 'EM MYSELF!
THESE CLOWNS COME FROM DONNIE'S
SE-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-D!
WHY TRY SOME OTHER MAN'S SEED?
MY SEED'S FRE-E-E-E--
FRESH!
I KEEP MY SEED IN TUBES AND
PLASTIC BAGS.
PUT IT IN YOUR WIFE, YOU'LL GE
A CLOWN IN NINE MONTHS.
THE WOMEN I BREED WITH ARE CLEAN
AND HAVE REAL CLOWN TRAITS.
LOOK, I'M A CLOWN BREEDER.
IT'S IN MY BLOOD.
IT'S IN MY BALLS.
[ ALARM BLARES ]
LET'S GET SOMETHING STRAIGHT.
IT'S NOT MY FAULT MY SON TOUCHED
THOSE CLOWNS.
HE BROKE THE GOLDEN RULE --
NEVER TOUCH THE CLOWNS.
LET THE CLOWNS TOUCH YOU.
[ CHILD CRYING ]
HEY!
HEY, NOT NOW!
DONNIE SAYS "NO!"
HE SHOULD HAVE USED THE STICK
TOOL.
I TOLD HIM. DID HE LISTEN?
HEY, THAT'S FOR A JURY TO
DECIDE.
MY OTHER SON, MIKE, GOT SHOT IN
THE FACE.
SO COME TO ME. ME -- DONNIE!
[ CRYING CONTINUES ]
HEY! FOR THE LAST TIME! QUIET!
I-I-I-I-I-I-I'M GONNA HAVE TO
PUT THEM IN CAGES THEY CAN'T SEE
THROUGH.
[ ALARM BLARES ]
HEY, THIS IS GABRIEL.
HEY, I MADE HIM. HE'S FRESH.
[ CRIES ]
OH, NOT A GOOD TIME RIGH
NOW.
I'M GONNA HAVE TO BURY HIM IN
THE BACK IF HE KEEPS ACTING LIKE
THIS.
HE-E-E-E-E-Y!
I'M THE ORIGINAL CHILD CLOWN
MAN!
RENT FROM THE BE-E-E-E-ST!
[ CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS ]
[ FUNKY MUSIC PLAYS ]
[ BAGPIPE HUMS, SQUEAKS ]
[ OFF-KEY MUSIC PLAYS ]
[ FUNKY MUSIC PLAYS ]
[ APPLAUSE ]
WELL, THANKS FOR STAYING
WITH US.
RIGHT NOW WE'RE GONNA HAVE --
THE STUNT BROTHERS ARE GONNA
SHOW US A VERY EXCITING REAL
GUN TRICK.
SO LET'S TAKE A LOOK.
THAT'S RIGHT.
WE'RE GONNA SHOW YOU GUYS ONE OF
THE OLDEST TRICKS IN MOVIES, AND
THAT'S THE "EXPLODING PUMPKIN."
THE EXPLODING PUMPKIN IS
POSSIBLY THE COOLEST TRICK IN
ANY ACTION FILM, AND WE'RE GONNA
DEMONSTRATE IT RIGHT NOW.
I'M GONNA BALANCE THIS REAL
PUMPKIN ON MY HEAD.
IF I'M JUST A TOUCH OFF, MY
BROTHER GENE'S A GONER.
OH. SWEATY.
[ DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS ]
CAREFUL, BUDDY.
OOH, I DON'T WANT TO SEE
A DEATH TODAY.
I'M NOT MUCH OF A MARKSMAN.
[ CHUCKLES ]
JUST MAKE SURE YOU GET A GOOD
LINE ON IT, BUDDY.
WELL, YOU DON'T MOVE.
THAT'S THE KEY.
I'M HOLDING STILL.
NO, NO, NO, NO.
Careful, careful, careful,
careful, careful.
THE REASON I'M SO NERVOUS IS
THAT THESE ARE LIVE ROUNDS, AND
YOU CAN'T BE TOO CAREFUL WITH --
[ GUNSHOT ]
AAH!
AAH!
OOH!
WHAT HAPPENED?
EVERYONE OKAY?
THIS IS A HOT GUN!
MARSH, YOU ALL RIGHT?
DID THAT GUN REALLY GO OFF?
GENE?
LOOK AT THIS HAIRPIN TRIGGER
HERE.
[ GUNSHOTS, METAL CLANGING,
GLASS SHATTERING ]
YEAH, THERE'S LIVE ROUNDS IN
THERE.
[ CRACKING ]
[ SIGHS ]
THERE'S LIVE ROUNDS IN THERE!
OOH!
[ ELECTRICITY CRACKLES ]
[ AUDIENCE GASPS ]
OH!
MARSH? [BLEEP]
OH! OH!
OH, GOD.
COME ON, MARSH.
SOMEBODY GET HELP!
SOMEBODY GET HELP NOW!
WHY ARE YOU ALL JUST STANDING
HERE?!
GET HELP!
WOULD YOU GET HELP?
SOMEBODY CALL HELP.
CALL 911. I DON'T KNOW.
SHE'S NOT BREATHING!
CALL HELP. GET HELP.
[ Sobbing ] OH, MY GOD.
THERE'S A LOT OF BLOOD HERE!
SHUT THE [BLEEP] CAMERA OFF
NOW AND GET HELP.
GET HELP.
SHE'S NOT BREATHING!
WHAT THE [BLEEP] ARE YOU
DOING?
GET HELP.
THIS WAS ON THE BACK OF HER
HEAD.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
[ UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYS ]
[ BAGPIPES PLAY OFF-KEY ]