What We Do in the Shadows (2019) s05e07 Episode Script

1
[PANTING]
[LASZLO] As you know,
Gizmo is in a perpetual twilight
[SCREAMS]
between being a human and a vampire.
[GRUNTS]
[SCREECHES]
"Not a human, not yet a vampire,"
to paraphrase one of your contemporary
musical troubadours.
Now, I've turned my
attention to isolating
the genetic marker which is
slowing his transformation.
It's a very complex scientific procedure
where I mix his DNA
with the DNA of stray animals
just to see what shakes.
So, I began by fusing him with a swine.
All very good.
And a frog Frog not so happy,
- but it's just a frog.
- [FROG RIBBITS]
This beaker for the dog,
and this one for you.
- Mm.
- [LASZLO] Oh, shit.
I just realized I got
those the wrong way around.
- My mistake.
- What do you mean, that
That's a big mistake.
Am I gonna be okay?
You'll be fine. I just
need another urine sample.
- Urine sample? For
- To refill the beakers.
[RETCHING]
[DOOR SLAMS]
[LASZLO] Ha-ha!
Laszlo's been in there for three days
- and three nights now.
- Success!
- I think he's on the verge of a breakthrough.
- [CRASH] - Aw, shit.
[DOOR OPENS]
Well?
I don't know how to put this lightly,
but you're fucked.
And while we're being blunt,
you are what the scientific community
refer to as a lost cause
with no hope whatsoever.
So that's it? You're
just gonna give up on me?
I'm not gonna give up on you,
I'm gonna give up on the experiments.
And I'd like you to do one thing for me.
Anything. Whatever you want.
- [BLEATING]
- [GUILLERMO] What are those?
[LASZLO] Those well,
they're just some of the results
of my experiments with your DNA.
Kill them.
["YOU'RE DEAD" BY NORMA TANEGA PLAYING]
Don't sing if you want to live long ♪
They have no use for your song ♪
You're dead, you're
dead, you're dead ♪
You're dead and out of this world ♪
Now your hope and compassion is gone ♪
You sold out your dream to the world ♪
Stay dead, stay dead, stay dead ♪
You're dead and out of this world. ♪
♪
[NADJA] These are words
for "money" in America.
So I have been teaching a class
in Little Antipaxos on
assimilating to America.
I have been helping them
master everyday skills
such as language proficiency.
[NEW YORK ACCENT] Whoa!
Hey, I'm walkin' here!
Learn better driving
etiquette, you piece of shit!
I just spilled my coffee!
[REGULAR ACCENT] Write it down.
Typical American industries.
Films, newspapers, beef.
Write it down.
And I told them the words
to the colonial patriot hymn,
which is the song of the nation.
Burgers and fries ♪
Mickey Mouse ♪
Mount Rushmore. Yeehaw!
Also, a very important day, which is
the annual turkey sacrifice.
Okay, so, welcome to Thanksgiving.
When we are not eating
we are paying respects
to the bird touching
it, blowing it kisses.
Keeping very low, on three.
One, two, three.
And then acknowledge the onion.
It all started when The
Guide discovered a new detail
about this ancient hex
that's been ruining my life.
Give me that.
[SPEAKING GREEK]
"For those you've
burned, you must atone."
And that's when I figured it out.
So, back in my Antipaxos, there was only
one school that everyone went to.
School wasn't easy for
anyone, but especially not me.
All the other children
said I was too noisy,
so I was always made to sit outside.
And then one day,
somebody burned down the school.
And that person was me.
Nobody died, but no one ever learned
anything ever again.
My fellow villagers never forgave me.
Which is why I believe doing a school
for my fellow little
Antipaxons will maybe be a way
to reverse this motherfucking hex!
- Whose
- These freaks of nature
are a result of my DNA recombinations.
In layman's terms, they're tiny Gizmos.
Created for the diagnosis of
your vampiratus interruptus.
[STAMMERS] These creatures are-are me?
Pretty much, yeah, I mean,
you can tell by the irritating
way in which they behave.
- Get the fuck off.
- [SCREECHES]
That one there came from one
of your stool samples and a pig.
This one, from a cheek swab and a dog.
And I believe you've
met these chaps before.
- Oof.
- Ugh.
- Do we have to kill them?
- I'm afraid so.
Their continuous existence
is too painful reminder
- of my failings as a scientist.
- [BLEATING]
Ah, and that one now
that's a complete mistake.
Some wool from one of
your hideous sweaters
got in the petri dish,
and there you go. But between you and I,
kill that one first.
In conclusion, the two steps
one, go to bank, two, open account.
Write that down.
- Ooh, ooh!
- Ooh.
[NADJA] I asked Nandor
and Colin Robinson
to come with me on the first day because
I didn't want the
class to look too empty.
But now I cannot get
those two tits to leave.
It's not the best school
class I've ever attended,
even though it's the only one.
How was your weekend?
Same old, same old.
I hear that, asshole.
[NANDOR] I thought we'd learn more
about history, like warriors
and killing and pillaging,
but I guess we got to get
through the boring stuff first.
[COLIN] I used to audit
a lot of night school classes.
Fiction writing, mostly. I once
did a poem that I titled
An Ode to My Father's Masculinity.
Easy drain.
How many people did you
have sex with this weekend?
- Seven.
- One.
No! Water cooler does not talk.
Write that down.
[QUIETLY] Oh, so stupid. I give up.
I'm starting to think that
maybe I'm not very
good at this. [EXCLAIMS]
No, I I can't.
I can't do this. I can't
hurt an innocent creature Ew.
- Get off, get off, get off.
- [SCREECHING]
I could just probably
call an exterminator
or animal control because,
technically, you are vermin, so
Wow, you do look like me.
[NADJA] Is teaching
actually going to help me
lift this fucking hex?
- [HISSES]
- You are struggling.
Oh, fantastic. Another
disgruntled student.
You have a troubled energy about you.
A dark presence looms.
Do you know about the hex?
Ever since you have come
here, you have brought with you
a very dark, spectral
specter.
It's like a hex, if you will.
[SIGHS] And what is your name,
crispy, old, wizened crone?
Oh, my name's Helen.
Hel Oh, just Helen.
That's it. Just Helen?
- Helen the Magic Woman.
- And you can help me
rid myself of this disgusting hex?
- Yes.
- [CHUCKLES]
I am so sorry, class,
but something has come up.
Colin, Nandor, one of you
is the teacher now! Go!
- I can't say I am surprised
- I am the teacher
- by this turn of events.
- and you will listen to me now.
- I have been known to
- I am an expert in
- um
- [GROWLS SOFTLY]
[NADJA] Okay. I think
I have gotten this.
A gray egg from a red turkey,
a petal of wolfsbane
Magic can be a very
strange and confusing thing,
which is why I do not fuck with it.
a snake's nose
But if this sorceress
can fix me, then hell yes, I'm all in.
Is there anything else you
require for this magic potion?
I will need an eye of newt,
a black cat's whisker
and a chocolate glazed from
the Dunkin' on Forest Avenue.
What is this, uh,
an enchanted forest or something?
It is a pastry shop.
- Oh.
- They sell what in these modern times
are called doughnuts.
A doughnut?
- Why would you need a doughnut?
- Normally,
I would require you to
retrieve the sweetest flower
- from the peak of Mount Juktas.
- Oh.
But honestly, it tastes a
lot like a doughnut, so
I'll get on with this. Goodbye, hex.
- Come on, get inside. Let's go. Okay.
- [BLEATING]
No, I don't know what the next step is,
but it's definitely not
killing them. Maybe to the zoo?
Uh the park? I could drop
you guys at the park, huh?
A good run in the park
would do me a world of good.
- You can talk.
- Many of us can.
I apologize for not telling you sooner,
I just didn't want to
- shock you.
- [SCREECHES]
A question: What is the
most important knowledge
one can possess?
History.
And where did human history begin?
The great empire of Al
Qolnidar rose to power
in what the Western world calls 1262.
But we're gonna forget about that
and just call it the year O.
Whatever, man. History is subjective.
I mean, teach what you want,
but just know that history
is written by the oppressors.
One of the biggest and most
commonly-used energy drains imaginable
is being the cool teacher.
I used to have a bumper
sticker that said,
"I rather be reading Bukowski."
It was pretty rad.
Uh, I have a little gift for you guys.
Some condoms.
I want you guys to be healthy out there.
You don't have to be in
love to wear the glove.
- Right, Lorraine?
- [NANDOR] Colin Robinson
has tricked my pupils into thinking
- that they are learning.
- [CHUCKLES]
Meanwhile, I have not
heard the word "history"
or Al Qolnidar mentioned once.
[COLIN] Let me tell you about Hamlet.
A prince of a castle.
You wince, but his hassle
was the death of his daddy.
A baddy? No.
- But sad he was when the lad said, "Egad"
- [GROWLS]
a prince driven mad, ya boy got had.
[NANDOR] What is even worse
is that he keeps sitting up
on the desk with his legs crossed
so that everyone can see
his nut hanging out his short.
[GUILLERMO] You can talk?
- You're, like, real people?
- [BLEATING]
Why didn't you tell me you could talk?
I guess we can be shy sometimes.
What, you open up to
people right off the bat?
Well, no, not usually,
I guess I take a second,
yeah, but
- I made an oopsie, Daddy.
- No, no one's Daddy.
But Daddy Gemerno,
- the oopsie is getting bad.
- [GUILLERMO] Oh, shit.
Ugh, what'd you eat?
Uh, listen, Daddy, I kind of
made the froggie pregnant.
- What?
- I want raw meat.
- Da-da, my oopsie's really bad.
- [BLEATING] Da-da.
- [DOG] What's the plan, Daddy?
- Come on!
- I want to go outside.
- Shh, shh, shh, shh!
Stop talking. I got to
think, I got to think.
Laszlo wants me to, you
know, get rid of you.
What means "get rid of"?
- Um
- Our elders spoke of a prophecy
of the one true Guillermo who saves us.
What are you talking about?
Elders? Who-who are your elders?
He was born 15 minutes before me.
Hello, young one.
Rest easy, all. Guillermo will save us.
- Daddy, Daddy.
- [DOG] Ain't that right, Daddy?
- I don't want to die.
- Shh! Stop, stop, stop, stop talking.
- Fine. I'll save you.
- Yeah!
- Thank you, Daddy.
- But you can't tell Laszlo, okay?
- Agreed.
- Is this all of you guys?
- Where's-where's Binky?
- Who?
Binky's the most fragile among us.
He lives in the koi pond.
- Find him, Guillermo.
- Okay, fine, I'll find him. I'll find Binky.
And you're all gonna stay put
a-and not make a noise. All right?
Do not think your
bravery will go unnoticed.
- See her? This fetching bitch
- [WHINES]
is my beautiful daughter.
You may lay with her.
- No, I'm good. I'm gonna take this gun.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa.
- [PIG] We love you, Daddy.
- I'll be back.
[DOG] Daddy!
Helen, I'm home! [CHUCKLES]
So, I think I got everything.
One monkey paw.
- Great
- Tears on a woman's love letter.
Oh. Okay, so we're going
straight for the doughnut.
Oh, I'm so sorry, they only had
vanilla glazed with rainbow sprinkles.
What am I supposed to do with this?
Could you not use that
for your magic potion?
Has to be chocolate or
You think I can put this in my big bowl?
Do you mean a cauldron?
Yes. That is the word.
You're gonna have to go back out.
Of course, yes.
And why don't you also grab me
three Boston creams,
three chocolate glazed, four jelly
and five glazed crullers.
- What else?
- Do you think you might want
more of witchy, spooky stuff?
Uh, maybe, after we
get the Dunkin' sorted.
[NADJA] I don't know much about hexes
or how to get rid of them, obviously.
Maybe the doughnut is something
to do with the circle of life?
Also, Helen said she had this
magic wand for thousands of years.
But I'm pretty sure I saw her go outside
and pick up a stick from the ground.
- It was, like, a "crullan."
- Cruller.
- "Crewlour."
- Cr-uller.
"Crew-row-row row-row-ler."
Close enough.
[HUMMING A TUNE]
[CLATTERING IN DISTANCE]
What the fuck Gizmo? What are you
doing in there are you wanking?
- No! What?
- Well, I wouldn't judge you if you were.
I wank in there all the time.
30 minutes ago, to be precise.
No. Actually, I'm trying to
catch one of your abominations.
Listen, I understand this kind of thing
is not for the faint of heart.
So if you don't have the balls for it,
- I don't mind stepping in.
- No.
- I-I have the balls for it.
- Good.
- Get out of my shed.
- Oh, you're gonna go and
- And wank.
- Yeah.
- Yes!
- Okay.
- And shut the door.
- Shut the door.
Okay.
Binky. [SMOOCHES]
Hey, buddy. Come on.
Come on.
Whoa, Nelly!
[GASPING]
Daddy, what is "wank"? [GASPS]
[OUT OF TUNE CHORD]
I almost have it.
Oh, I'm in the wrong spot.
- [SIGHS]
- Hold on.
- [IN-TUNE CHORD]
- There.
So, what did we just
learn about sound waves?
Yeah. Lenore.
When will learn about, uh,
starting mortgage?
Right after I play
"Nightswimming" by R.E.M.
- Uh, let's see
- Colin Robinson,
what are we doing outside?
Having class on the quad, man.
Kind of a college tradition.
I catch your drift, though.
How about we get the old blood pumpin'
- with some hacky sack?
- [GRUNTS]
- That's not cool.
- [THUD]
- We are going to the history museum.
- [CAR ALARM BLARING]
- Who's with me?
- Museum? Is inside?
Yes. Very much so. Follow me!
- Oh. [MUTTERS]
- Who here has seen Garden State?
There's a song in it
that I'd love for you guys
to listen to by The Shins.
This is from the Dunkin' on Forest
and Broadway. I said it must be
- Forest and South.
- What? How can you even tell?
Hello! I'm a magic woman.
I can tell everything.
- [SIGHS]
- I will need a dozen more
- from the Forest and South location.
- Are you kidding me?
How many donuts do you need, lady?
- [GROANS]
- Oh!
Oh, Magic Woman, what is happening?
Oh, the hex. It grows more powerful
with each passing moment.
- Oh, no.
- Oh, you must fetch me one last thing.
Yes, yes, anything.
A dozen powdered Munchkins.
Powder represents the
ashes of your ancestors.
I will get you a dozen
powdered Munchkins.
Stay with me, Helen!
- [WHIMPERING]
- Oh.
- Piss!
- [STOPS WHIMPERING]
What are you doing?! Come on!
[NANDOR] And you will not
call the police about us
being here while the museum is closed.
[QUIET CHATTER]
The entire history of Staten Island!
- Look at this.
- [COLIN] This is a recreation
of the 19th century
immigrant experience,
based on old travel chests
that were never claimed
from the customs house.
This fellow is wearing traditional
Al-Qolnidarian gown.
This is exactly the
kind of outfit I wore
on my journey to America.
And I do so love
that this is from the
immigrant's perspective.
So accurate, down to the underwear.
Those look very much
like a pair I used to own.
Wait a minute.
Those are a pair I used to own!
How did these fuckers get my stuff?!
Donut wench, I need a dozen
powdered Munchkins, and make it quick.
- A hex is killing my friend.
- Okey dokey.
$5.07 for the Munchkins,
and I'll ignore the other stuff.
Wait Wait, hang on, that is her.
That is my friend.
How do you know Helen?
Um, I guess I know her from, like,
harassing me and my co-workers.
That's mainly how.
Hang on. Helen Johnson?
I thought her name was
Helen the Magic Woman.
[SPEAKS GREEK]
Something here stinks of a snake's shit.
I have your Munchkins.
We need to have a little chat.
What is this? Why does
it say Helen Johnson
when your name is Helen the Magic Woman?
I, um, never told you my full name,
which is Helen "the Magic" Johnson.
The hex is playing tricks on you.
This is textbook hex.
The solution is a strawb
No! Ugh!
Wait!
You have no idea what it's like
to not be allowed back to the one place
- you feel at home.
- [SIGHS]
I do know what it is like
to be driven from the only place
you have ever called home,
just as I was driven out of my village.
It ain't great. [SHORT CHUCKLE]
My hex may not have been lifted,
but with a little hypnosis,
at least Helen's has been.
Welcome home, sweet freak,
Helen "the Magic" Johnson.
You "doughnut" need to be sad anymore.
"This immigrant probably
came from a small village
in the Near Middle East, one
with a particularly weak army,
based on their inferior weaponry."
What? Those are my travel weapons.
"Also inside was a
well-worn good-luck amulet.
The Atlantic Crossing was
terrifying to most uneducated
travelers of the day, and they
sought comfort in superstitions "
I was not terrified of shit.
And I don't even know what an amulet is.
That is a key chain
given to me by my mommy.
[COLIN] It also says that the
immigrant was a talented writer.
- It does?
- "Stories about sexual escapades
while flying in the sky."
That's right sky fucking.
Glad to see they've acknowledged
some of the cool shit that I've done.
"It's a rare example of
early erotic fiction."
Fiction? This is not fiction.
- This is my diary!
- [COLIN] "It is likely that, unable
to find a sexual partner,
the immigrant bided
his time imagining one.
The crude and improbable descriptions
of his intercourse
- furthermore suggests this individual
- [LOW GROWLING]
- Don't say it!
- never had sex."
[NANDOR GROANING, YELLING]
[COLIN] Violence is the last
refuge of the incompetent.
- [BLEATING]
- [SQUEALING]
[LASZLO] I know it's tough,
Gizmo, but it must be done.
Steady thy hand and become death.
But wait till I'm gone. I don't want
to be covered in brains and shit.
- Au revoir.
- [BLEATS]
- Bye.
- [WHIMPERING]
- Shh.
- [GUNSHOTS]
- [BLEATING]
- There we go.
Thank you so much, Guillermo.
- Hey, no one's dying on my wa
- [CREATURES EXCLAIMING]
Oh! [GRUNTS]
- No. No, drop it. Drop it!
- [GROWLING]
Sorry about that.
[COLIN] Hello.
I thought you might want this
key ring that your mommy gave you.
I stole it from the museum.
Is this how history is going to
remember me, Colin Robinson,
if it is going to remember me at all?
Well, I also took the liberty
of rearranging the museum display.
"This immigrant was a very feared
and very cool ancient warrior
who set the world's record
for having the most constant
- sexual intercourse"?
- Sexual intercourse.
"Often while flying, and he
was never scared of boat rides."
[NANDOR] You're shitting me.
Whatever, you know? Uh,
history is a construct.
Thank you, Colin Robinson.
You are not just a cool teacher.
You are also a cool friend.
[SINGSONGY] Awkward
moment. [SHORT CHUCKLE]
- [BRAKES SQUEAKS]
- Okay.
Just remember: never
be seen by the staff.
- You're only safe with the old people.
- Okay.
- [BLEATING] Iunderstand.
- Yes, we understand.
[GUILLERMO] So I just dropped
them off at a retirement home
that my tía works at.
She's always saying the residents
are really lonely and love company.
- Who has B-1? B-1?
- [MAN] Yeah. B-1.
[GUILLERMO] And it was super
easy to get the paperwork
for an emotional support animal.
[CHUCKLING, SIGHING]
[GUILLERMO] They'll be
happy here, I think.
I hope.
Born free ♪
As free as the wind blows ♪
As free as the grass grows ♪
I decided to keep Binky
because he's happy here.
[LASZLO] Gizmo, what
are you doing out there?
Having a wank?
Ah, good man. Carry on.
- Hey, buddy.
- [GURGLES]
Live free ♪
And beauty surrounds you ♪
The world still astounds you ♪
Each time you look at ♪
A star ♪
Stay free ♪
Where no walls divide you ♪
You're free as the roaring tides ♪
So there's no need ♪
To hide ♪
Born free ♪
Born free ♪
Born free ♪
Born. ♪