Workaholics s05e07 Episode Script

Yeah, so it looks like I have herpes? 'Cause I nicked ****.
Well, yeah, you got to use aftershave.
- On the nuts? - Yeah.
So the suspense is killing me.
What's going on here? Okay, well get ready for the freaking main event, because DeMamp family gatherings are off the chain.
- Yeah.
- Like, we'll be moshing.
Like, freaking whoa.
My Aunt Holly will whip out her giant breasts.
- Yes! - And there's, like-- the nipple's, like, all hollows out, and then, like, she'll hold it out like this, and it'll catch some wind, and it'll whistle.
- It's kind of whistle tit.
- She has a whistle tit? - She has a whistle tit.
- Whistle tits! - Oh! - This is gonna be so cool! And swordplay for Blake.
Oh, yeah, because Blue Knight is definitely gonna be there, right? - Yes, he will.
- Yes, dude! - I don't know what that is.
- Oh, dude.
His cousin, he's Blue Knight at Medieval Times, Buena Park.
You think he'll knight me? He said he would.
He's definitely knighting you.
Should we have brought gifts? It's like a family reunion? - Or what? - Frigging even better.
My dead grandpa's funeral.
Oh, yeah.
Dead! Who let these hounds in? Hounds! Hounds, hounds, hounds! Hounds.
Oh.
Is this the right room? This doesn't seem like a wake.
Seems more like asleep.
I want to take a nap.
Body.
Body, body.
This is definitely the right place.
They're probably punking us, dude.
Uncle tuck.
His dick-- it's like a corkscrew.
When it gets hard, it freaking unravels.
It's--show him.
- That's a bummer.
- Okay.
Would like to see that.
Aunt Holly.
Whip out them floppy dogs.
They actually emit sound.
- It's like she's a freak show.
- Whoa.
Whip 'em out.
Okay.
Well, you are being a total psychopath right now.
Adam, there is a body in that casket.
I'm gonna black out.
I can't handle-- - Yo, Adam, what's good, Cuz? - Hey.
You don't recognize me, do you? The emotions of the day have rattled the old noggin.
It's me, bro.
Big fat.
Come on, it's me! I lost 280 pounds, man.
Wow, dude.
You look horrible.
Admittedly, you look sick, like you're dying from something.
No, Annette's got me on this juice diet, man.
She's actually got the whole family back on track, working at easy as pie, her and Gramps' pizza chain.
It's great.
- Oh, really? - Mm-hmm.
There she is, the gold digger that stole Gramps' entire retirement fund.
She freaking blew it all on a successful pizza chain instead of blowing at Pechanga Hotel Casino and Resort, which what a DeMamp would do.
Body, body, body.
- She started easy as pie? - Yeah.
So you're telling me she's got access to a lot of pizza.
Yeah.
That's cool.
Blue Knight.
Dude, I hardly recognize you.
You cut your hair off.
Man, friends don't let friends get haircuts, right? I think you have the wrong guy.
Find another pew.
Blue Knight, it's me, Blake.
I came to your tournament of champions with Adam.
You, like, kicked ass, man.
Afterwards we were just drinking port wine in the parking lot.
We got so hammered.
We sword fought, dude.
But not like that.
With our wieners.
I saw your nuts, dude.
Well, yeah.
That was a long time ago.
I'm not the Blue Knight anymore.
My name's Tony DeMamp.
- Get lost.
- Okay.
Well, I don't know if you remember this, but, um, you said you'd knight me.
I said I don't remember.
Now you either pay your respects, or you get the hell out of here.
Hey, guys, I'd love to leave now.
I hate this, so if we could leave right now-- - thank you, yes.
- People are being weird.
They're acting like someone died.
- Yeah.
- You know.
But, like, in a not fun way.
- Yeah.
- You know what? I should get the party started.
But with your help.
I'm gonna need both of you.
Come.
Come with.
What up? Hey, it's me, Adam, your relative DeMamp.
I'm here to say a few words about Gramps Military, family, beer, methamphetamines, trailer park for a while, convict.
He was an American hero.
He's was an American a-hole, and you all know it.
Dad! And he deserves a proper funeral.
Thanks for warming them up, son.
I'll take it from here.
Hey, now! Well, the old man finally bit the farm.
I bet he's down in hell looking up at us right now going, "hey, dumbasses, "we're the united DeMamps of America, remember? Let's light a butt ton of fireworks and crank some of The Offspring!" - Yes! - Hit it, Adam.
Oh, I'm supposed to hit it? - Hit it! - Okay.
- It's too late, bro.
- No, The Offspring! Hit it! When I go driving, I stay in my Lane Pritchard! I know that this isn't the traditional DeMamp funeral, but this is what George wanted.
He loved you all so much, and he was so very proud of how you've all improved.
You call this improvement? Tuck, why isn't your pecker out? Unleash the corkscrew! - He's got a screw loose.
- Aunt Holly! You're usually down to your g-string by now.
Take them clothes off, trick.
What happened to this family? Oh, right.
You're all proud employees of the easy as pie pizzeria with your dental insurance.
This isn't even a pizza family.
This is a cheeseburger family! We love the burgs.
Bread, meat, cheese, bread, meat! Cheese.
You can't stop on meat.
George and I built easy as pie together, and he loved that company.
Can we please just bury him in peace? I don't think so, ho.
- Is that a bomb? - No, it's a smoke bomb.
Come on, let's go! Let's wheel this sucker out of here! No way, I'm not touching that dead-ass-dude box.
What are we gonna do? We're gonna take the body to Aunt Patty's house and feed him to her raccoons? - That sounds badass.
- No way.
Oh, I bet you got a better idea.
Damn right, Gramps was a paratrooper, so we're gonna crenate his body in a bon fire and scatter his ashes from the sky, just like he always wanted.
- I knew you'd have a good idea.
- I didn't.
Me either.
The casket! It's gone! Where did they go? Here's the deal, I don't know where they went, but I can find out and I can give 'em to you.
Oh, God.
Okay, thank you.
- Thank you so much.
- Hang on a second, toots.
Let's talk about what's in it for me, all right? 'Cause I'll be honest.
I'm a little hungry for some of that Excuse me? Pizza? What do you-- yeah, this is the slice of pizza.
You own a pizza chain.
You should know the international sign for-- anyway, what I'm telling you is that, in return for my services, I would like a lifetime subscription to pizza.
Done.
How do we do this? I'm just gonna text 'em.
My dad freaking rules, dude.
Yeah, he's, uh How old was he when he had you, again? I know he started boning at 13, as DeMamps do.
- So 13, I think.
- Wow.
That guy freaking plows too.
- We are on fire tonight! - Yeah, a total party animal.
Uh, have you ever noticed, though, that he's obsessed with one-upping you? No way.
Here they come to snuff the rooster! He lets me win at a ton of stuff, unless it's, you know, telling funny stories or banging chicks or being a badass or any other of his, like, designated areas.
There's rules.
There's rules to-- - Ah - Yes, whatever, man.
All I'm saying is, okay, you can't think that this is a good idea.
Going into the forest and burning your grandfather like a warlock in the middle of the woods is a good idea, 'cause it's not, dude.
You have to have a better idea than this.
Hey, guys, let's make the next right into the woods, and let's crenate Gramps.
All right, what are we doing? All right, here's the plan.
We're gonna break in and crenate Gramps' body in Annette's very own pizza ovens.
Oh, God damn it.
God damn it, Adam.
That's the same plan, man, except in, like, a stupider location, dude.
- It's a different idea.
- All right, and it's cremate, not crenate.
Okay, does the body turn to cream? No, it does not.
It does not turn to cream.
It turns to ash.
- Crenate.
- It's crenate.
- It's crenate! - All right, Adam.
I'm not gonna watch you burn your dead grandpa's body in an oven, man, all right? That will haunt my dreams, okay? And I've been having good dreams lately, all right? It's me, Jessica Alba, you know, we're dry humping.
I have walrus tusks.
Okay, well it was your idea to me to have an idea, so Yeah, Adam I got to say, this plan's stupid as hell.
Give me the keys, I'm gonna do this thing the right way.
I'm not gonna give you the keys 'cause we're gonna do it the right way, which is my way, for one way.
No, you give me the keys! No, what are you doing? Stop jingling on-- I know what you're doing.
No, no! No! No! Dude, you don't have to swallow the key! Yeah, he did.
Taught him that move myself.
Classic DeMamp maneuv.
- Say that three times fast.
- DeMamp maneuv.
DeMamp maneuv.
DeMamp maneuv.
- DeMamp maneuv.
- Stop! You couldn't.
That was tough.
I have key in my throat.
All right, all right.
All right.
I'm calling--I'm calling Ders.
I'm going home.
I'm--I try to be a supportive friend.
I can't do it anymore.
Blake, yeah.
I'd love to come pick you up.
Where are you? Where is he? Uh-huh.
Yeah, okay.
We can be there about 15 minutes.
Okay, bye.
Let's talk pizza.
I want a card with my face on it that I can take to any one of your locations and get free pizza for the rest of my life.
Just tell me where they are.
but first--I just [Bleep.]
that up, didn't I? Well, this definitely isn't working.
There's just a bunch of crispy chunks.
"You shall never be a knight!" Screw you, you evil wizard! I'm gonna be a knight! I'm gonna be a-- guys! We got company! Specifically the owner of this company.
Annette is here.
Gramps isn't even close to being done.
Grab something to stuff his ashes into.
Uh, what about this big old pizza bag? No, grab that big old pizza bag.
It's the exact same size pizza bag, but Ew, that's gross.
Now, now, just one second.
You promised me free pizza.
Are--are you squelching? Is this a pizza squelch? - Stop talking about the pizza! - You know what? I'm gonna run in there right now and I'm gonna blow this raid.
- You guys, you guys! - Annette, hang on a second.
You guys better wait outside.
You guys! They're here! You got to run! Oh, oh! DeMamps! DeMamps! Help! We got company, guys! Adam, Adam, Adam! Help! All right, all right.
Nowhere to go.
Just tell me where Gramps' casket is.
Okay, yes, I will tell you where the body is.
Right after you knight me.
Dude, I'm not gonna knight you.
I don't even work there any-- - Get your ass in there! - Hey, whoa! - What gives? - Sorry, Blake.
My dad told me you're a liability, and then he explained to me what that word meant, and that's exactly what you are, man.
You led him right to us.
Let's get to the park.
- Hey, guys.
- Ders! I came with Annette, but she squelched on a deal, so I'm willing do a double-cross and strike a deal with you guys.
I do want to make a deal.
Come here, I'm gonna whisper in your ear--weird naked choke! No! No naked! You're beating up all my friends.
It's like childhood all over again.
Do not shoot.
We are unarmed.
We don't have guns, Adam.
What is going on? We made burgers in your pizza kitchen.
- Deal with it.
- Adam.
Annette, I'm sorry.
We know how much Gramps loved the easy as pie pizza and We just wanted to share one last pie with him before saying adios.
Now you have to just leave him for us or I'm gonna have to call the police, and I don't want to do that because I know you're on parole.
Appreciate you.
Bye, Gramps.
Release.
That was so cool.
I can't wait to go find Ders and tell him about it.
He's in the casket, Adam.
Yeah, that's right.
That's why it was so cool.
Okay, I still want to tell Ders, though.
I'm gonna need you to yak up them keys now.
- Come on, buddy.
- Okay, all right.
Coming right up, pops.
There it is.
Ahh, you piece of shit! - You piece of shit! - Relax, all right? Somebody'll let us out in the morning.
The morning? Knight me real quick.
Let's do a sweet double-team move.
Legion of doom, bro.
Just boom! I'm a maintenance man at a pizzeria.
Besides, I haven't seen you commit an act of valor, which is a knighthood pre-req.
- Duh.
- Hey, okay.
I have done a lot of Valiant stuff, okay? - Oh.
- Okay, for instance.
I helped a dude in a wheelchair wipe his butt in a movie theater bathroom.
And it was messy.
He had a hairy butt crack.
You know what? Fine, you suck, dude.
I'll get us out of here in a stupid way.
Would've been a lot cooler if we, you know, knighted our way out of here.
Hmm? Huh? Oh, my God! Oh, my God.
Blake, dude! I'm in a casket! I'm trapped in here! I don't know where I am! You got to help me! Oh, my God! Oh, thank God! Pritchard! Where is my husband? I don't--they said something about a park.
Oh, Van Buren Park.
That's where George and I used to go and make love in public.
- Never mind, I got to go.
- Wait, hang on a second.
You still owe me a lifetime of pizza, ho.
- Your lifetime's over, bitch.
- Wait, no, no, sir? Sir, sir.
Please! Blake, Blake, they're going to the park, but they trapped me in here.
I'm locked in here.
I'm at the funeral home.
I'll come and save you.
I'm gonna save you.
What's the deal? You're just gonna sit here the whole time? Hey, stop! - Lay on, peasant.
- Don't.
Oh, yeah! That's it.
Right there, huh? The intensity.
That's unlike any intensity I've ever seen in any dinner theater performance, and I've seen a lot of dinner theater, man.
I saw Hall and Oates actually in this intimate little-- it was that intensity that got me fired from medieval times.
One night, I got too revved up, and I speared yellow knight's horse right through the leg.
They had to shoot him, right there in front of some kid's birthday party.
They had to shoot Yellow Knight? - The horse! - Yeah.
And then I met Annette, and I cut my hair.
She gave me a job, and she made my realize that I had to leave the arena forever.
Unfortunately, you're in my arena now, bitch! Yeah, you see that? You're not even that good at sword fighting anymore! You're not a Blue Knight, you're a Bitch Knight.
- Oh, yeah? - Yep, that's--all right.
- Ahh! - No, no, no, no.
No.
Blue Knight is back.
That felt so good.
Hello? Hello, I'm in here! You got that winched? - Is it winched tight? - Fully winched.
Okay, I'm gonna walk back there.
I'm gonna strap into the chute.
- When I give you the signal - No! Aw, here comes the damn cavalry.
You stop it! Welcome to the party, Annette.
This is happening.
Wait! Stop! Get off my father! Ders! Where you at, dragon? Blake, I need you get here right now, because something's going on.
I don't know what it is, but it's getting really hot in here.
- It's hot? - I'm still in the casket.
I know where you are! I'm coming! - Oh, no! - You got to help me! Oh, my God! - Stop, stop, stop, stop! - Dude, bro! - What are you doing! - Oh, no! - We're too late.
- That's not Ders.
Yep, sorry.
Ders! Blake! Blake! Oh, man.
You guys are lifesavers.
Hey, bud.
How you doing? - Not good.
- Okay.
- I was just frying in there.
- Okay.
I shouldn't have worn this blazer, is the problem.
Bestow this upon your brow and kneel before me.
Ders, film this.
Congratulations on your act of valor.
I knight thee, Nate Knight.
Blake Knight.
Because of your bravery, you can have my sword.
Yes.
Thank you.
Hey, I hate to interrupt, but where's Adam? Get off of him! What are we doing? We're DeMamps! We don't mourn, okay? We mosh! We don't cry.
We crush! When you're in the mosh pit and you're crying 'cause you're having so much fun, that's what we do! It's DeMamps! All of a sudden, we get a little money in our pockets, and we're divided? We shouldn't even have pockets! We are a sweat pants family! So, please, let my dad dump my grandfather's ash chunks from on high, like he would've wanted.
You're the one.
This family needs you to fly, son, so fly.
Yes! Yes! - Yes! - Yeah! Yeah! Okay, I'm turning on the hero in this situation.
Right there in family history, as a hero.
DeMamps! DeMamps rule! - You ready to do this, son? - I'm a hero! - Yeah! - I'm a hero! Let's do this! Come on, little birdy.
Take flight! Ouch, yikes.
Yeah! Gramps DeMamp! DeMamps rise again! I'm the hero.
I'm the hero of the fam.
Yeah, now, I give that two tits up! - Hey, 40s! - Yeah.
Whoo! You know, Gramps would've been proud.
You saved this fine family.
Thanks for letting me be the hero, and for not one-upping me, dad.
Yeah, you know, there's one other tiny thing I should tell you before I get drunker than you ever could.
Mm? - I'm not actually your father.
- What? Son, I'm your brother, bro.
Dad took off, and me and mom figured the most logical thing to do would be to lie to your face forever.
That's cool.
Yeah? 'Cause you were a horrible dad.
Yeah.
You'd probably make an awesome brother.
You lied to me my whole life! - That's hilarious.
- Yeah! Yeah! Adam, what's up, dude? I'm a knight.
How's--how's this all going? I could've killed myself.
It was really dangerous.
So it was awesome.
Hey, I'd like to introduce my brother, dad.
- What? - I believe this makes us even.
Uh, I believe I asked you for a lifetime subscription to pizza, so Well, then I will just go ahead and take this to somebody else.
No, no, we're cool.
We're good.
We're good.
We're even.
Okay? Hey, guys.
I just wanted to let you know that I get it.
I totally get it about the DeMamps.
They do everything just a little different, and so did Gramps, I'm sure you know-- the sculptures.
You haven't see-- have you seen the sculptures? Yeah, because I had them destroyed.
It's very dark stuff, extremely disturbing.
Anyhoo, I guess it's about time to, you know, get this bitch-ass party started! - Oh, yes.
- Whoa.
That did not seem natural.
But, I mean, you steal a dead husband and ladies go wild, right? You think she'd be into me? Only one way to find out.
Party time! Hey! It's a party time! Yeah, come on, Blue Knight! Yeah! I love funerals! Yeah, yeah, yeah