American Dad s05e08 Episode Script

# Good morning, U.
S.
A.
# # I got a feeling that it's gonna be a wonderful day # # The sun in the sky has a smile on his face # # And he's shining a salute to the American race # # Oh, boy it's swell to say # # Good morning, U.
S.
A.
# # Good morning, U.
S.
A.
## I have an announcement to make.
I'm taking a semester off.
Oh, what did you say? I was listening to my spit-take instructional tape.
I'm taking a semester off from school.
Eh.
I can't do it without the tape.
I hesitated.
I'm just- I'm thinking too much.
Hayley, what are you talking about? I'm going to devote my time to the Heifer Project.
No daughter of mine is going into fatty porn! The Heifer Project is a charity.
It provides livestock to families in impoverished countries.
So, what? You're going over to Africa? No.
I'm gonna start my own business and give the Heifer Project the proceeds.
I know the perfect business for you to open up a dry cleaners! There's a huge segment of the population that is tired of having their clothes cleaned by Koreans.
I am a part of that segment.
Actually, I already have a business idea- organic mulch.
That's a terrible idea.
Hayley, listen to me.
I'm giving you good advice.
Take it.
Dad, I'm 18.
I don't need your advice anymore.
I'll take your advice if it's love advice.
So my man say he been working late but then Trina call me and tell me she seen his ass in the club.
But then when I ask him about this nonsense, he tells me he loves me.
How do I make him tell me the truth but keep our love million-dollar strong? Smith, why so glum? The "C" in C.
I.
A.
doesn't stand for "crestfallen.
" But what if it stood for "cat"? Meow, meow.
- Meow, meow, meow, meow, meow.
- Meow, meow.
Meow! Mmm.
So, what's bothering you? Hayley doesn't want my advice anymore.
Sir, I have terrible news.
I was just doing the end-of-the-year accounting.
We still have money left in our budget.
If we don't spend it by the end of the fiscal year, they'll cut our budget for next year! Damn it, Robertson! Speak to me in English.
We have to spend $50,000 by midnight! Get me everyone.
- Everyone? - Everyone! That's not really my job.
You're right.
It's not your job.
Inform Lorraine.
Have her send a mass e-mail.
Now give me a hug.
You scared me.
# We're okay # Gentlemen, do whatever it takes to empty our coffers.
Lap dances, champagne dances, shower dances.
Oh, the things you can buy with a handful of bills.
It makes me excited.
It gives me the chills.
There'll be filch-arounds, breeders, hambones and tweeners zobows and debows and blobs that go "eener.
" For a one-dollar bill, you can pull down their zippers.
I am the Snorax.
I speak for the strippers! - Sir? - Hmm? Sir, this place is filled with women of ill repute.
- I'm a little uncomfortable.
- Damn it, Smith! You think I'm not? I'm terrified! Give this man your finest trouser arouser.
And, you, strangle me while I brush your hair.
I did it! I got into Space Camp! Seven days of awesomeness starts tomorrow! Wow! I want to go.
Sorry, "Roget.
" Space Camp is a special privilege for a select group.
You wouldn't fit in.
Wha- But it's about space.
I'm from there! Maybe.
But you weren't invited.
Only a chosen few get to rub elbows with astronauts and float weightless in billion-dollar simulators.
Maybe you should go to fat camp.
Damn! Because you're taking up so much space right now.
Oh, damn! Look, just forget it and go back to surgery or whatever.
But I want to go to Space Camp! I'm done with surgery.
I already lost the patient.
You know, the thing about working in a hospital is if you don't have a funny black friend , things get pretty boring.
Vanilla Bear! Let's go grab a beer and see what Carla and the mean janitor are doing.
Take whatever you want! # Funky cold medina # Is everything okay? Um, this isn't really my thing.
Maybe this is your thing.
Oh, God! Leg cramp! - Are you all right? - I'm still sexy! I'm still sexy for you, baby! Cramp, huh? You need to get a banana in you.
Uh, I don't do that, sir.
No, you need to eat a banana.
You have a potassium deficiency.
Hey, Shirley! Banana daiquiri, please! Wow! You listened to me.
Sure.
You seem like you know a thing or two.
You're right.
I do know a thing or two.
I'm Stan.
I'm Tanqueray.
Tanqueray, let me break it down for you.
Exposing your body for money is wrong.
The only people who should see you naked are your mother your doctor and your best friend in third grade.
Just that one time.
Under the waterfall.
Jeremy Davis.
The point is, you could do so much more with your life.
- You really think so? - Take my advice.
You really can.
You were right! I'm better! See? I wish my daughter listened as well as you do.
If she could just see Hey, Tanqueray how would you like to operate your own dry cleaners? I don't know.
Yes.
I don't know.
You know.
Come.
Take a drive with a stranger.
More.
More! Yeah! I so deserve this.
Do it! Hayley, it's impolite to fiddle with trash.
It's not trash.
I'm collecting organic compounds for the mulch I'm developing.
Well, good for you.
You don't have to be such a bitch about it.
What a day! I am pooped.
Stan, who's this? Oh, right.
Everyone, this is Tanqueray.
She's moving in.
I'm gonna make her a success.
Oh, we're wearing the same outfit.
Take a good look, sweetie.
This is how you wear that.
Yah! Nine years of gymnastics, bitch.
Roger, please show Tanqueray to Steve's room.
She'll sleep there while he's at Space Camp.
And get her out of those clothes.
And then rob her, kill her, cut off her head and hands and bury her by the creek.
- Got it.
- Actually, no.
Just get her changed.
Oh.
We just avoided a funny misunderstanding.
I almost cut your hands off! All right, come on.
I'll race you upstairs! Stan, what is going on? Hayley had her chance to benefit from my wisdom and guidance.
Now that's all going to Tanqueray.
I'm gonna transform her from scum of the earth to captain of industry! Uh, hey, Hayley, can you come over here a second? I want to show you something.
What, uh- What did Hayley's face look like when I just told her all that? Is she regretting not taking my advice yet? - What? - Oh, did I call you over? L- I meant your mother.
Hey, Francine.
You, uh, take a look at this? The first step in teaching Tanqueray to run a successful business is enrolling her in school.
Tanqueray? Tanqueray, wake up.
Your skanking days are over.
Your new business school classes start in half an hour.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! No, no, no, no, no! - Don't ever let me see you naked, okay? - I'm sorry! It's all right.
No harm done.
I'm completely fine.
Just meet me in the car in 15 minutes.
Francine, meet me in the shower immediately.
Welcome to a Space Camp! You guys are in for a treat.
Because instead of doing our normal Space Camp activities we'll be spending all week meeting NASA's earthbound heroes our wonderful administrative support staff! Uh, but we're still gonna be doing cool space stuff, right? Like-Like flight simulation or maybe a turn with that jet pack? No.
That was last week or next week.
Now, put your hands together for the members of today's eight-hour panel.
First up, Head of Human Resources, Judith Collins! Next, Director of Payroll Disbursement, Karen Snur! Houston, we don't have a problem with any of our building's paint thanks to Acting Head of Paint and Plaster Repair, Art Fitzgerald-Yee! Art! Keep it going for Vice President of Peer Mentoring Ellen "The Duck" Ducker.
"The Duck"! There's my little future dry cleaner.
How was your exam today? It made me sad until I drew a bird on it.
You didn't turn it in? Guess what, you guys.
The city decided to use my mulch! They've ordered a hundred bags.
That buys the Heifer Project a hen and half a burro.
Congratulations, honey.
How's Tanqueray doing? Is she a dry cleaning mogul? Is she getting " a de-luxe apartment in the sky"? I don't know if that's funny enough for you to leave on! Stan, why don't you just admit your plan isn't working? Hayley's doing fine on her own.
And Tanqueray's obviously not cut out for school.
I colored my bird! You're right, Francine.
I'm gonna take her out of school and go straight to phase two of my plan.
Four more strippers! They're moving in with Tanqueray.
Stan, that's four more mouths to feed! And eight more hands to work the dry cleaning business I bought this morning.
- What? - Don't worry, honey.
When it takes off, we'll be rich.
Hayley's gonna be so sorry she didn't listen to me.
All right.
Let's get you ladies settled in.
Now, some ground rules- All of you are gonna get on my menstrual cycle which begins next Wednesday.
Anyone on their flow right now? Stop.
Stop it.
Okay? Stop.
This place blows.
I can't believe we're stuck here all week.
My bed is short and wide! You're sleeping the wrong way! Hey, it's a message from home! "Start streaming this video.
" Oh, thank God! Some contact with the outside world.
Hey, that's my room! Hey, Steve, remember how you said I couldn't go to Space Camp? Well, check it out, you smug little bastard.
Five strippers are living in your room , and they're totally horny.
Melinda, Alison, go! Ooh! They're kissing where we practice kissing! We gotta get home! We got to break out of this place! See you in hell- Okay, girls, pillow fight! Oops.
Forgot I put some sodas in there.
Ladies, six of the 10 richest men in America made their fortune off of dry cleaning or other businesses.
So let's get in there and make some money! - Woo! - Yeah, baby! Whoo-hoo! Ah, man! Landlord gave me the wrong key.
Jackass coked-up Armenian.
It's all right.
We can do what we want.
It's our door.
This is not our dry cleaners.
I think we're a block over.
Go, go, go, go, go! Girls, I don't understand.
Why don't we have any customers? Well, sometimes it takes a while for a business to get going.
Like when Bosoms opened up.
No one went to Bosoms, right? And now people go to Bosoms.
Mm-hmm.
Oh.
Hi.
Sorry.
Are you still helping number zero? - Because I'm next.
I'm one.
- What do you want, Hayley? I just wanted to give you a store-warming present.
A bag of my mulch.
It's filled with crap, just like you! Now, that is funny enough for you to leave on.
So, how's business? Great.
Look at all the clothes we have.
Okay.
I'm gonna explain this one more time.
I bought the clothes and spruced up the store so it would look like we have customers thus attracting real customers.
What is so hard to understand about that? The other girls get it.
Right, Deborah? I'm hungry.
Come on, we need to make this work! For God's sake, I bought a floor-length chinchilla here.
Maybe we should all just go back to stripping, like Tanqueray.
Wait.
Tanqueray is doing what? She felt bad your business was failing so she went to the strip club to make your money back.
No, no! If she goes back to stripping, then I failed and Hayley was right not to listen to me! I can't let that happen! Hey, has Stan tried to rape either of you guys yet? - No.
- No.
It's weird, right? - Is Tanqueray here? - Oh, no.
She worked this afternoon, but now it's ladies' night, so she went home.
Wow.
Your voice is sweet.
Yeah.
My gonads are tucked inside my abdomen.
I was born with what doctors call "bashful testicles.
" Oh.
Hello? Stan, we just got a call from the bank.
They say we haven't paid our car payment or the mortgage! Is this because you sunk all our money into the dry cleaners? Let's look at the positives here, Francine.
I could have been born with bashful testicles.
- You tell the bank to think about that.
- You! With the 60-inch chest! How hairy are you? What? Uh Damn it, I don't have time for you to estimate.
Yes! You're perfect.
I had three dancers cancel on me.
How'd you like to make 600 dollars? - A day? - An hour! Tax-free, all cash.
I really can't- Cash? If you're having money problems, this could be your possible solution.
What do I do? Now gyrate! Come on, shake it.
Yeah! You're a natural! Now rip my pants off! Do it! - Now kiss me! - What? I said, get out there! Protect yourself, Victor.
You can't take another heartbreak right now! How's the mulch business going, sweetie? Well, I'm not doing as well as I thought.
Once I paid all my costs and taxes, I'm barely breaking even.
Well, look.
Maybe you should forget about all those starving kids you let down and think about how long you've been single.
- Mom! - Join a gym! Check it out! I'm back! Bam! Told you the dry cleaning business would be a success.
My advice is so good, even strippers can benefit from it.
Bong! Zing! This is all from dry cleaning? That's right, baby.
We turned it around.
Francine, I found this G-string outside.
Please wash it, and then I will put it back outside.
- How are they? - Typical Tuesday crowd.
Everybody wants to grab it, but nobody wants to pay for it.
Worst part is, I keep getting aroused.
How long before the dance boners go away? - You can still get erections? - You're straight? I don't know if I want to be here, Roger.
Come on! A little wang will cheer you right up.
So your mulch business is going under.
It's not the end of the world.
Yeah.
It just means my dad was right.
Are you supposed to be pregnant or fat? Eight months preggers.
They don't make you buy the two-drink minimum when you're knocked up.
Snuck in my own.
This is a party ball.
Ah, perfect pour.
That, however, was urine I just drank.
I'm starting to get the very bad feeling that none of these boys are gonna go full pickle tonight.
Okay, ladies, open up your purses and show some love for a real Renaissance man- Michael Dangalow! # Hit it # - # Whoo # - # Yeah # - # Whoo # - # Yeah # Oh, my God! I know.
Look at that meat.
French me for a 20! - Roger, that's my dad! - Stan? Ooh! # It takes two to make a thing go right # - # Yeah # - # Whoo # # I wanna rock right now # Hayley, this isn't how I wanted you to find out but your daddy is a brilliant painter.
Dad, is this where all the dry cleaning money was coming from? No wonder it was all in crumpled ones.
You are such a liar! - Hayley, wait! - Hang on.
I paid for a three-song dance! - Not now, Roger! - Vic! - Hey, Shelley.
- Hi, Victor.
Listen, your stallion here is trying to run out on his dance.
- Vic, listen- - You listen! Shelley was a dancer here for three years.
Now she's family.
You keep her happy.
No.
No.
Lean forward and look back.
That's what I like.
# And make it rain, make it rain, make it-# And look at me like you're a virgin! Oh, Tanqueray, you leaving? Yeah.
I'm gonna try and get in Playboy.
I've got a lot of good short stories.
This suitcase is filled with science fiction.
I'm sorry my father messed with your life with his stupid advice.
I am so pissed at him.
Hey, at least he's taking an interest in you.
More than my dad ever did.
And besides, he can be pretty smart sometimes.
He was right about putting a banana in me.
Well, good-bye.
Did that girl just leave? I think she stole my jewelry! Hayley, I'm sorry.
I didn't want to admit my dry cleaning business was a bad idea and Well, the truth is, you were right.
You're 18.
You don't need my advice anymore.
Yeah, maybe I don't.
But it's nice to know you care enough to offer it.
The good silver's missing! I'm calling the police! Actually, I pawned it all to pay down my debt.
You know, nothing cheers you up like being in a pawn shop.
Because chances are, you're going to see a Flintstones alarm clock.
Out of my way! Steve, where are the strippers? - I don't know! - Hey, look who's back.
- Where are the girls? - Oh, you missed them.
They're gone.
Aw! But here's a dirty G-string.
Enjoy! It's your dad's.
# I made it rain, made it rain, I made it rain on them boys # Bye! Have a beautiful time.
English - US - SDH