Big Mouth (2017) s05e08 Episode Script
A Very Big Mouth Christmas
1
[sleigh bells ringing]
["Changes" by Charles Bradley plays]
I'm going through changes ♪
I'm going through changes ♪
Oh, in my life ♪
Oh! Ooh! Ooh! ♪
[Christmas music plays]
[crackling]
[decoration jingling]
Oh, hello.
Welcome to "A Very Big Mouth Christmas."
We're gonna have a couple laughs,
sing a few songs,
and we're gonna make a promise to you
that no other Christmas special can.
Tonight, you're gonna see Santa's dick.
[slurring] Hey, Maury, don't forget
to tell them we're sexy puppets.
That's right.
Nothing says Christmas
quite like a fist up your ass.
Especially one that goes
all the way up to your brain.
Jesus, Connie,
the guests aren't even here yet,
and you're already
on your third glass of wine.
It's not wine, it's my jingle juice.
That's two drops of bitters,
a shot of Campari,
and a robust squirt
of my very own feminine juices.
Well, just keep that stuff
away from the couches, okay?
Oh, come on, party pooper!
It's Christmas! [retches]
Jesus Christ! Damn it, I gotta clean this
up with one puppet arm. Fuckin' A.
I'm sorry. But look how cute my barf is.
It's all pipe cleaners and buttons.
But seriously, Maury,
what do you think Santa's dick looks like?
We're gonna find out, Connie, but first,
we gotta clean up this adorable mess.
Why don't you guys watch this little movie
while I top off my drink
with some fresh lady juice.
Uh-oh!
-It has begun! [chuckles]
-[Christmas music plays]
A Christmas tree?
I think you forgot we're Jewish.
Well, we are,
but, you know, Caitlin isn't.
Guilty as Unitarian. [chuckles]
[groans] Ugh.
I don't want to celebrate Christmas,
I don't want Caitlin living here,
and I definitely
don't want some cheese baby!
Well, I agree about Caitlin
and the cheddar child,
but brie reasonable, Jessi.
Christmas is the best.
I was there for the very first one,
you know.
What do you mean "there"?
Well, a long time ago,
I was a hormones monstress
to a very special girl.
Her name was Mary.
The year was zero,
and Mary was a horny Jewish tween,
just like you.
There. Now your hair looks like old times.
Oh, heads up, an angel is about to visit.
She has some news.
-[grunts]
-Oh, my God!
Yes, exactly!
[in sing-song] Somebody likes you.
Really? Who?
God! That's what I was saying.
He likes you so much
he wants you to have his baby.
Insane, right?
Wait. God's gonna have sex with her?
He does that?
I mean, I--I know Satan does.
He's dicked me down
a number of times, and listen, I him.
No, no. God isn't gonna have sex with her.
He doesn't want to touch Mary.
He just wants that baby.
Oh, okay, so it's like a Tom Cruise thing.
Does she need to sign an NDA
or something like that?
-Mazel Tov, Mary!
-[roof crumbles]
Wait a minute. I'm gonna have a baby,
but I don't even have sex?
Isn't that like all of the calories
but none of the fun?
Oh, honey, women's pleasure
is a thing of the future.
Like broccolini.
[hammering]
So you want me to be the "husband,"
but we don't actually
have to do anything except hang out?
My parents will love this. I'm in!
Okay. Cool, cool, cool.
So none of the men
in this story want to touch me?
[Connie] Anyways,
fast forward nine months,
and you, I mean, Mary,
were about to give birth.
But you had no place to do it.
Knockity knock-knock.
My wife is going into labor.
Can we come in?
And get birth juice
all over my new dirt floor?
Take a hike! [slams door]
[knocks]
Hello, I'm ancient. How can I love you?
Hi, we need a place for
my 12-year-old wife here to give birth.
Oh, well, this hotel-motel is filled
with diapers and rotten dates
because that's my community
and how I live.
But you can use the barn in the back.
[Connie] And so they went to the barn,
but they called it a manger
'cause I guess that was trendy
at the time? I don't know.
So is stoning people,
which is dodge ball except with rocks,
and then you get to,
you know, kill a guy with your friends.
-[breathing heavily]
-[Connie] And so,
Mary started having the baby.
Thankfully,
one of the animals was a doctor.
-His name was Dr. Hooves.
-[bleats]
What do you mean you ate the epidural?
Hi! Knock-knock! Is now a bad time?
Whoa, are you going
to the bathroom or something?
Who the hell are you? Get outta here!
Uh, we're the three kings
and we brought you presents.
But if you're gonna be a bitch about it,
we can take off.
No, no, no, no, no! What did you bring?
Well, I brought myrrh.
I don't know what it is.
But if you smear it on your wang,
it'll go numb, and then you feel
like you're jacking off a stranger.
So hot. You never know
when the guy's gonna pop.
And--And I brought gold.
You want me to, like,
put it on your stomach?
-I just don't want the doctor to eat it.
-[bleats]
Gold? I thought we were doing a $20 limit.
I just got her the new Tom Clancy scroll.
It's good. It's a fun beach scroll.
-[Jessi grunts, strains]
-[splat]
Okay, now she's really
going to the bathroom.
-[bleats]
-What do you mean it's a cheese baby?
[coos]
I already said I don't want a cheese baby.
Oh, I don't know.
I think Baby Cheesus is kinda cute.
Goo-goo gouda.
-Now this will pair well with me!
-[tinkles]
[all approving]
-I guess Baby Cheesus is a tiny bit cute.
-[coos]
Are you kidding? This holy baby rules.
Anyone want to, like,
wage a war on behalf of it?
Kind of feels like we should kill anyone
who doesn't love and worship this baby.
-Holy war!
-[goat bleats]
[Connie] And that was the first Christmas.
You know, some of that
felt less than accurate to me,
if I can give you some fearless feedback.
Oh! So you're thinkin'
Mary just got laid and then lied about it.
Yeah, I did not say that.
Oh, look,
there's a present under the tree.
"To Jessi, from Caitlin.
Don't worry, it's not cheese."
-Should I open it?
-Is Satan's dick long and curly?
-I don't know.
-Oh, it is.
"Little sister"?
Oh, my gosh, a sister.
[chuckles] Wow!
You're gonna be a real good big sister.
And, oh, you'll get
your present from me tonight.
It's a sex dream,
and Dr. Hooves plays a prominent role.
Okay. Well, now I'm scared to go to sleep.
Would it help if I told you
that you were also a goat?
-Kinda.
-Well, unfortunately, that's not the case.
-[bleats]
-["Jingle Bells" plays]
[squeaking]
[steam horn toots]
[elves humming]
Oh, no! Dolly's bow is ripped!
And on Christmas Eve!
What do we do, Jingle?
That is a pickle.
But don't worry, Twinkle. Santa will know.
Well, let's go ask him.
[knocks]
Huh, no answer.
Well, it is a toy emergency.
I guess we should go in?
Well, I guess we should!
-[Santa] Ho-ho-ho! Ho-ho-ho!
-[grunting] Oh, I've been naughty!
-Dump your big bag of coal in my guts!
-Oh!
Oh, stop now, Mama.
If you keep talking like that,
this jolly old man's gonna blow!
-[gasps] Jiminy Christmas!
-Oh, shit!
-Oh, no! G-get out!
-[Jingle] Oh!
-Oh!
-Get out now!
This was not for you to see! No!
[slams door]
What were they doing?
I don't know!
In all my 400 years,
I've never seen anything like that.
But I can't stop thinking about it.
Can't stop thinking about what?
We saw Santa doing something
kinda funny with Mrs. Claus.
Funny how?
[chuckles] Like Seinfeld funny?
Not like Seinfeld.
Not exactly like that.
Like Hannah Gadsby funny?
No, it's hard to describe.
Well, if you can't describe it,
why don't you show us?
[chuckles] Yeah! Show us what you saw!
We're curious!
I'm a visual learner. Charts and diagrams.
-Well, I guess we could give it a whirl.
-[elves cheering]
One was riding the other, almost.
It was kind of like this, right?
-Oh! Oh, dear.
-Oh! Oh-oh!
No, it was faster,
and it was also much harder. [grunts]
-Oh, yes, right there!
-[grunts]
Well, what's interesting is
that feels fucking fantastic.
I wanna try too!
-This does feel good!
-[grunting]
Say something mean to me!
I want to feel embarrassed!
-[elf] Golly fuck!
-[elves grunting and moaning]
Spit on that!
-I'm in love with you!
-[elves giggling]
Just ruin my ass!
-[slurping]
-[Rudolph] Mm-hmm.
Okay. Okay.
-[elf] Whoo!
-Great gumdrops!
Whoa, what's going on in here?
Stop this at once!
Fuck you, Santa!
We quit!
Hey, Santa, Santa?
Why don't you watch me cum?
I'm gonna cum right now,
and I want you to look directly
into my eyes.
-Oh, oh, dear.
-How are you doing with all this?
-Hanging in there, buddy?
-Well, Christmas is ruined.
Yeah, they're adult elves, you probably
should've just told them about sex.
[sighs] I probably should have.
Anyway, I'm gonna go cover
that gingerbread man over there
with my frosting, which is,
of course, and I can't stress this enough,
my cum. [chuckles]
I see.
Well, I suppose children
around the world are going to have
a very different
kind of Christmas this year.
Ew, a moist Post-It note that says,
"I owe you an iPhone"?
Oh! What?
Tony Macaroni,
Chef Boyardee, and all the saints!
Santa got me exactly what I wanted.
It's two little friends
making thick in the warm!
Yeah, you like to watch,
you sick, dirty fuck!
Look at the box again.
Uh-huh.
Okay.
Okay.
Well, we told you
you were gonna see Santa's dick.
[chuckling] But we threw in
them sweaty balls
as a special Christmas surprise.
[chitters]
Connie, the guests
are gonna be here any minute.
Will you just get off your sweet
felt ass and walk the penises, please?
They're not my penises!
Okay, here we go.
You loved them when they were cute,
-little pup penises.
-[phone buzzes]
Wait, is that my vibrator or yours?
-God damn it!
-Uh-oh, who bailed now?
Simon Sex just wrote
that he was murdered at Epcot Center.
That sounds like a lie, doesn't it?
Well, I just hope he died
doing what he loved,
-standing in line.
-[doorbell rings]
Oh, thank God.
At least somebody fucking showed up.
-Oh, my. Am I the first one here?
-[wind gusting]
Yeah, Merry Christmas to you too,
Shame Wizard.
By the way, it's still early.
Is it? Oh.
I've just come
from Kermit the Frog's party,
and it was packed.
[laughs] It was quite fun, actually,
until he called his girlfriend
a pig in front of everyone.
He's a mean drunk, is Kermit the Frog.
Yeah, well, people'll be here
any minute now, buster.
You'll see! [grunts]
-[glass shatters]
-Oh, but Constance, I'm afraid I will not,
for I… I must be heading out.
What? You--you just got here.
I'm sorry, but, uh…
[sighs] I've--I've just been
murdered at Epcot Center.
Good luck with your terrible party!
[laughs]
Oh, Connie, this whole thing's a bust!
We've got bigger problems, baby.
One of your penises
left a present under the tree.
I'll give you one hint.
It's dick doodie.
[whimpers]
[solemn music plays]
Hey, Luda! What do you think
of my new Christmas tree?
I stole it from this kid Charlie Brown
who has, like, two hairs on his head.
I think he might be sick.
[barks] Brrish! Brish! Chris!
Christmas… Christmas.
What does Christmas mean to me?
Revenge.
It was Christmas Eve,
and Anthony and I were bringing
squeezy toys and chicken skin
-to underprivileged puppies.
-[chittering]
Only back then, I wasn't Luda.
-[growls, barking]
-I was…
Pretzel!
You little scamp.
We got to deliver
these presents and get home.
-Aw, I love you too, boy!
-[motors rev]
Oh!
Uh, happy holidays…
Uh, uh, what can I do for you gentlemen?
Looks like someone
-brought us some gifts, boys.
-[growls]
Oh, you shouldn't have.
[laughing]
I'm sorry. These presents
are for underprivileged puppies.
Well, it looks like we are
underprivileged puppies now.
[cocks gun] Woof, woof.
-[man laughs] Yeah!
-[Anthony] No, please!
-[gun fires]
-[grunts]
[whimpers]
[Anthony thuds]
[Luda] They made two mistakes that night.
Killing my best friend,
-and letting me live.
-[bell clangs dramatically]
-What a surprise.
-[toy squeaks]
This doggy toy is filled with cheese.
Where did you get?
From some stupid man
and his fat dog, eh, Pretzel.
"Pretzel"? [pounds table, laughs]
-What a silly name.
-[power clunks off]
Uh, wait, what is this? Dark now?
-[door opens]
-[dramatic music rises]
Agh!
-[gurgles]
-[gasps]
-[guns cocking]
-[grunts]
-[barking]
-Ahh!
[gun clicks]
[screams, gurgles]
-[grunting barks]
-[groans]
-[grunts]
-[man] Ahh!
-[groans]
-Ah! [gurgles]
[screams]
Oh, please. Don't kill me.
I'll get you anything you want.
Money, drugs, table food. Anything!
[barks] Rrrnd. Rend.
Friend.
I want my best friend back…
[cocks gun] …you son of a bitch!
-[gun fires]
-[splats]
[door slams open]
-[guns cocking]
-[door slams open]
[Pretzel grunts]
I want that dog put down!
[barking]
[tires screeching]
[man grunts]
[guns firing]
-[motor revs]
-[screeching]
-[cocks gun]
-Holy Manute Boli,
now I'm in Jay's dog's movie?
Hi!
-[gasps]
-[tires squeal]
-Bye!
-[explodes]
[Pretzel] Ooh!
[dramatic music fades]
["O Christmas Tree" plays softly]
Merry Christmas, Nicky!
Open your presents!
[gasps] A motorized scooter!
And a drone!
-[Diane] That's holding Mets tickets!
-And a big hug from your little daddy.
[sighs] Another picture-perfect Christmas
for the Birch family.
Good for Nick.
Andrew! Put down your phone,
you schmendrick!
We're celebrating
an olive oil-based miracle.
Oy gevalt. It's still Hanukkah?
Now open your terrible present.
Surprise! It's a notebook from Walgreens!
[Andrew] And it's got
"Fox News Babies" on the cover?
And tomorrow night,
you're getting diet M&Ms.
[sighs] There is no greater injustice
than being a Jewish boy on Christmas.
You really are missing out.
Christmas is
the perfect orgy of bright lights,
dairy-based alcoholic beverages,
and great deals
at your local Honda dealership.
Oh, what I wouldn't give to have
my parents debase and bankrupt themselves
to give me one perfect Noel.
Andrew, hold still.
There's a pube on your cheek.
[groans] My bush is untenable.
No, no, no, no.
If you find a pube on your cheek,
you get to make a wish!
Well, then, I wish I was…
[echoing] …Christian.
-[blows]
-[tinkles]
[carollers] ♪ Hark the herald
Angels sing ♪
Glory to the newborn King! ♪
[coughs, gags, spits] Oh, come on!
[birds chirping]
Oh, no! My eyes! I'm blind!
I'm gonna have to listen to the Mets
on the radio like some fucking barber.
What the…
Am I Spider-Man?
Hi-ya!
[grunts] Oh.
Probably not.
[gasps] A Smeg fridge?
What happened to the old one that
smelled like newspapers on the inside?
-Andy!
-Oh.
We've been waiting
all morning to spoil you!
-What? Why?
-And we made your favorite!
Store-bought cake and normal M&Ms.
Bullshit. What's your angle, Glouberman?
Who's Glouberman?
-I'm Martin Kent.
-Huh?
Andrew, you gotta come see this.
[tinkles]
Your wish upon a pube came true!
[gasps] I'm a Christian!
Son, there's no gift in the world
that could ever capture
the deep love that I feel for you.
[laughs] Are you fucking kidding me?
But I hope this comes close.
Holy Gary, mother of Todd.
These dumb WASPs bought me a Range Rover!
Oh, and it's positively filled with guns!
-Lick my balls and call me Mommy ♪
-[tires squeal]
-[sleigh bells ringing]
-Fa-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la! ♪
Squeeze these nips because I'm naughty ♪
-Fa-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la ♪
-[munches]
Jam your undies in my asshole ♪
Fa-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la ♪
Piss your pants, then peg the devil ♪
Fa-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la ♪
[laughs]
La!
I can't believe
my parents let me drink gin.
And now, the perfect end to a perfect day.
Oh, yeah.
I'm gonna have
an appetizer, entree, and dessert
from Andy's Dick Squeeze Cafe.
-[chuckles]
-And Creamery!
-Whoa, come on, dude!
-Jesus?
Yeah! And I didn't gruesomely
die on a cross in direct sunlight
so you could diddle yourself!
So wait, do Christians not like it
when you rubby the pee-pee?
-My dad says it's a huge sin…
-[rumbling]
…and he is psycho about that stuff!
-Floor! Oh, shit!
-[people screaming]
-[grunts]
-[laughs maniacally]
Oh, no. Am I in Arizona?
Andrew, I actually think you're in Hell.
Oh, thank God. Well, listen.
If I'm stuck here for all eternity,
I might as well finish what I started--
[Marty] What?
Use me to stroke your disgusting dick?
Holy shit, no!
Oh, Andrew, your hands are your dad!
-[Andrew] And his hands are chainsaws?
-[revving]
Rusty chainsaws!
Hey! Let's cut off his pecker!
Yeah! Slice it right off!
-[Marty laughs]
-[whimpering]
[Maury screams]
Oh, thank God,
I'm alive,
and my hands
are delicate and beautiful again.
You there, boy! Oh, tell me.
Do I look Jewish to you?
Yes, you have
traditionally Jewish features!
Oh, Maury!
It's the greatest
Hanukkah gift of them all!
-You talking cash?
-No, I'm Jewish again.
And I wouldn't buy a Range Rover
if I made $10 million a year.
The Ford Fusion is a perfectly good car.
And to all of you at home, happy Hanukkah!
Hey, don't talk directly to the audience.
Who do you think you are? The Fleabag?
[gentle piano music plays]
What news arrives
from your mother, m'lady?
Is she still traveling hither and yon
in pursuit of the band Hoobastank?
Reading… "Hey, girl,
not gonna be back for Christmas.
Here's a Hoobastank tank
and a pack of their proprietary gum,
Hooba Booba.
Your sister, Mom."
I'm so sorry, My Queen.
I thought she might be home
for Christmas this year.
Yeah, well,
I thought "fruip" ended with a "P",
so I guess none of us knows anything.
Are you saying "fruit" with a "T"?
Yeah, everybody gets
fruip-cake for the holidays,
and nobody wants it,
just like Lola.
Come on, Alanabeth, we're late
for our mother-daughter spray tans!
I promise I'll close my eyes this time.
You do whatever you want, sweetie.
It's Christmas. I love you!
Gasp! A gush of inspiration!
[chuckles] Spaghetti… Cool.
A tinfoil belly button ring,
lip gloss…
[gasps] …Fritos for nails,
and the Hoobastank tank… [gasps]
Oh, my Snowmom!
-[wind gusting]
-[tinkling]
Oh, my God, my Snowmom
has absolutely sprung to life.
Shall we embark on an escapade
in this winter wonderland?
["We Wish You a Merry Christmas" plays]
Yes, sledding! Oh, glee!
-[chuckling, snorts]
-Freezing cold boobies.
-[grunts]
-Boner alert!
[chuckles]
-I love you so much, Mommy.
-[Lola grunts, laughing]
-Oh! Hey! Ow!
-You didn't, like, invent moms,
you caramelized,
little sweet-for-nothing bitch!
-Oh!
-[laughs, snorts]
What do you think, Snowmom?
Should we bake some gingerbread hotties
and decorate this tree?
-[splats]
-Ah! Snowmom?
-[sad music plays]
-Oh, no!
[doorbell rings]
[Lola sniffling]
Rodney, my mom's parole officer?
Yeah, you don't need
to call me that every time though.
You're honestly, like,
a very tertiary character, Rodney.
-What do you want?
-Well, I got a postcard from your mom.
Please, you're not special.
I got one of those postcards too.
Yeah, and, you know,
since she's not gonna be here,
and I got this extra-large
chicken parm sub,
I thought, I don't know,
maybe you could help me finish it?
And what, pray tell, am I supposed
to wash it down with, Rodney?
Oh, I don't know.
How about a nice Barq's Diet Creme Soda?
Oh, well, then I look forward
to the sweet and savory burps
that this combination will behold.
[pleasant music plays]
[sleigh bells ringing]
You know what?
Fuck everyone I've ever met.
We'll do the party without any of them.
-Right, Connie?
-I don't know, Maury.
I think I had too much jingle juice.
I might just go to bed.
But you can't!
I made a fire and I need you
to stick the tree up my ass.
-Can't we do it in the morning?
-No!
-In my family, we do it on Christmas Eve.
-[faint coughing]
Shut up! Shut up! Shut up! You hear that?
Sounds like the walls are coughing!
Oh, no, I forgot!
Rick was supposed to surprise everyone
by coming down the chimney
dressed as a lingerie Santa!
-Ahh! [groaning]
-[both scream]
[sizzling]
Ho-ho…
Hospital.
Oh, sweet Rick, are you okay?
Oh, my skin, it's boiling!
You still want me to lick a candy cane
like it's your pee-pee?
I mean, if you can.
Okay.
[groans]
-Oh, shit! Rick's dead!
-[Maury groans]
And I never had the chance to tell him
that I never loved him.
-[sobs]
-[upbeat music plays]
Christmas wolf! Ho-ho! [howls]
Okay. Easy, tiger.
I can't believe we have to wait
four more days until we get our presents.
I hope when I walk up
to the tree that morning,
there's a card that says,
"A charitable donation has been made
in your name to Mulch for America."
Oh! It's such important work.
Very interesting,
your Christmas traditions,
all about the gifts.
This glorification of consumption…
So very American.
Uncle Sam's club,
big bottle root beer cola…
In our country,
Christmas is quite different.
It's a celebration of life!
Come on,
your Christmas isn't that different!
Yeah, what,
do you wear candles on your head?
Call Santa "Papa Winter" or something?
Ha-ha! No!
Our Santa is called…
[both] Vader Johan.
[Mila] In our country,
on the eve of Christmas,
we put baubles
on the branches of the trees,
-drink jurgennektaar, the salted eel milk…
-[slurps]
…and place our painted eggs
on the windowsill.
Then, when daylight is no more,
the bell is rung.
-[bell tolling]
-This means Vader Johan approaches.
It has begun.
The bell awakens Vader Johan
from the bottom of the river.
This is where he lives,
in a castle made of children's bones.
-[thudding]
-[ice rumbling]
-A braid of 40 eels…
-[chittering]
…brings Vader Johan to the surface.
[Lotte chuckles] Now you can smell him.
[Mila] His odor is that of cod
and black licorice.
He has the body of a walrus,
the sharp teeth of a dolphin,
and the legs of countless crabs.
He plays a flute made of… you guessed it…
[Mila and Lotte] Children's bones.
[plays rapid melody]
[Mila] And in our country,
it does not matter
if you are naughty or nice,
for all the bones taste the same to…
[echoing] …Vader Johan.
Your only hope is to trick Vader Johan
into believing you are already dead,
and therefore not fresh and tasty.
You do this by sleeping
in your child coffin…
[echoing] …okay?
And this is when you pray
to the Mongoose King.
-[match sizzles]
-Oh, Mongoose King,
please protect my tender child bones
from the jaws of Vader Johan,
and do enjoy
these eggs I have left for you.
In Jesus' Christ's name, amen.
[Mila] Uh-oh,
Vader Johan can hear your blood!
Perhaps you are lucky
and your window eggs and prayers
have attracted the Mongoose King.
He eats your eggs and challenges
Vader Johan to a battle of…
-[echoing] …dance.
-[techno music plays]
There is always the chance
that the nimble and clever
Mongoose King will be victorious.
But tonight, he is danced into…
[echoing] …cream.
And Vader Johan has
his kinderbotfeest, the child bone dinner.
[screams]
But the cream,
this is the cream that we eat together
with our families on 29 December.
So a Merry Christmas is had by all.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, wait! So the kid died?
He did not die, he was consumed.
He lives on in the bowels of Vader Johan.
I'm pretty sure he died, guys.
Um, Vader Johan, uh,
he goes away after Christmas, right?
Oh, no, Vader Johan
is always hungry for children.
Like your precious food president,
Ronald McDonald.
Oh, yes, this reminds me…
[both] Once you hear
The story of Vader Johan ♪
You must share
The story of Vader Johan ♪
Or you'll be consumed by Vader Johan ♪
Which is like dying but it's worse! ♪
-[screams]
-Help me!
I don't wanna live
in Vader Johan's bowels!
Will you share the story of Vader Johan?
-Your child bones depend on it.
-[eerie music plays]
[crab legs pattering]
[music fades]
[Christmas music plays]
Wake up, Matthew.
Let's go downstairs and catch Santa
while he's putting
all the presents underneath the tree.
Oh, Brittany, go back to sleep.
-There is no Santa.
-What?
Yeah, Mom and Dad leave all the presents.
Santa's not…
[echoing] …real.
-Good Lord. I'm not real?
-[ominous bell tolls]
[stammering] No, no. It can't be.
I-I'm as real as these flying reindeer.
Although now that
I think about it, can reindeer fly?
Oh! Oh!
Have I been delusional all this time?
How can one man possibly deliver presents
all over the world in a single night?
I'm supposed to be thousands of years old.
I look 65, tops!
If I really drank
a million glasses of milk in one night,
I'd make a terrible mess
in my Santa pants.
Excuse me, Santa, how come
I never get a present for Christmas?
Is it because of that time
I did arson on a 7-Eleven?
Don't ask me, kid.
I'm just some big,
fat nutjob in a silly red suit.
Yeah, my dad says you're not real,
but he says a lot of things
just to make me cry.
Yeah, well, at least you exist.
["Deck the Halls" playing over stereo]
Can we turn that goddamn music off?
-Jesus Christ.
-[explosion]
What in the Grinch's
emerald green asshole was that?
We got you now, Pretzel.
-[whimpers]
-You'll have to let me know
-if all dogs do, in fact, go to heaven.
-[men chuckle]
That movie, to me, is good animation.
Nothing nasty, just nice story.
Leave him alone!
Who the fuck is this guy?
I'm motherfucking Santa Claus!
[laughs] Oh, yeah?
Well, then, I guess I am Easter Bunny?
-[men laugh]
-I know the Easter Bunny,
I work with the Easter Bunny,
and you, sir, are no Easter Bunny!
[grunts] Yeah!
-[exciting music plays]
-[snarls, barks]
-[growling]
-Hi-yah! [grunts]
[barks]
-[grunts]
-[cracks]
-[grunts]
-[splats]
Ya koshka.
-This is Russian for "I am cat person."
-[barks, growling]
[in slow-motion] No!
[splats]
-Agh! [gurgles]
-[somber music plays]
Maybe I… am real.
-[whimpers]
-They'll never stop coming for you.
-Isn't that right, boy?
-[whimpers]
Just maybe you can find some peace here.
[rings doorbell]
[winces, pants]
[gasps] Holy shit! I knew Santa was real.
He got me a pit bull! Oh, my God!
I'm gonna name you "Featuring Ludacris."
No parentheses.
[barks] Brrrll. Brrill. Kill.
Kill. Kill. Kill one man,
and you are a murderer.
Kill them all, and you are a god.
[grunts]
Merry Christmas to all, and to all…
[weakly] …a good night.
-[groans]
-[church bell tolls]
[Maury sobbing]
And all I really wanted was an absolutely
picture-perfect Christmas party
that would be remembered
even after the world ended.
But instead,
I booted tummy juice on the couch,
nobody showed up, and Rick's dead.
Is me recapping this helpful to you?
No, it's not.
Ooh! The sword!
Yep, as is customary
in hormone monster culture,
we must now decapitate
dear, dead Rick and fuck his skull…
That he may rest
his weary, cum-filled head.
In Jesus Christ's name, amen.
Yeah, cut off my fuckin' head
nice and slow.
-Rick!
-You're alive!
Nothing can kill me!
That's my curse, baby!
Oh, Rick, just seeing you again
makes me feel like
I could dance
the Mongoose King into cream. [chuckles]
-Well, that's what Christmas is all about.
-["O Christmas Tree" plays]
Because Christmastime is
when all good boys and girls
do a lap dance for the king of the mall.
What's that now?
You gotta mix and mingle
in the jingling feet.
And that is the "Crocodile Rock"!
Maury, this is pitiful.
Jump in on this, please?
I think what Rick is saying is
the only thing that matters at Christmas
is being with the ones you love.
And I love you guys!
Ah, I love you too.
Even if you did ruin my party.
Merry Christmas!
-[bell tolls]
-[power clunks]
Uh-oh! Shit, Maury…
[sniffs] …do you smell
cod and black licorice?
-[chittering]
-Yes, and I hear a braid of eels.
-Uh, did you put out the eggs?
-I was too busy getting blackout drunk!
Good thing I know how to dance
like a mother baby, fucker.
[techno music plays]
[Mila echoing] Vader.
[echoing] Johan.
[echoing] Vader Johan.
[Rick] That's what Christmas is all…
[echoing] …about.
That's what Christmas is all…
[echoing] …about.
[Mila] Children's… [echoes] …bones.
The bones of… [echoes] children.
Children's… [echoing] …bones.
[Mila and Lotte] And now
you can smell him.
[Mila] We're going to dance
the Mongoose King into… [echoing] …cream.
[Rick] That's what Christmas is all…
[echoing] …about.
[Mila echoing] Vader.
[echoing] Johan.
[echoing] Vader.
-[echoing] Johan.
-[music fades]
[sleigh bells ringing]
["Changes" by Charles Bradley plays]
I'm going through changes ♪
I'm going through changes ♪
Oh, in my life ♪
Oh! Ooh! Ooh! ♪
[Christmas music plays]
[crackling]
[decoration jingling]
Oh, hello.
Welcome to "A Very Big Mouth Christmas."
We're gonna have a couple laughs,
sing a few songs,
and we're gonna make a promise to you
that no other Christmas special can.
Tonight, you're gonna see Santa's dick.
[slurring] Hey, Maury, don't forget
to tell them we're sexy puppets.
That's right.
Nothing says Christmas
quite like a fist up your ass.
Especially one that goes
all the way up to your brain.
Jesus, Connie,
the guests aren't even here yet,
and you're already
on your third glass of wine.
It's not wine, it's my jingle juice.
That's two drops of bitters,
a shot of Campari,
and a robust squirt
of my very own feminine juices.
Well, just keep that stuff
away from the couches, okay?
Oh, come on, party pooper!
It's Christmas! [retches]
Jesus Christ! Damn it, I gotta clean this
up with one puppet arm. Fuckin' A.
I'm sorry. But look how cute my barf is.
It's all pipe cleaners and buttons.
But seriously, Maury,
what do you think Santa's dick looks like?
We're gonna find out, Connie, but first,
we gotta clean up this adorable mess.
Why don't you guys watch this little movie
while I top off my drink
with some fresh lady juice.
Uh-oh!
-It has begun! [chuckles]
-[Christmas music plays]
A Christmas tree?
I think you forgot we're Jewish.
Well, we are,
but, you know, Caitlin isn't.
Guilty as Unitarian. [chuckles]
[groans] Ugh.
I don't want to celebrate Christmas,
I don't want Caitlin living here,
and I definitely
don't want some cheese baby!
Well, I agree about Caitlin
and the cheddar child,
but brie reasonable, Jessi.
Christmas is the best.
I was there for the very first one,
you know.
What do you mean "there"?
Well, a long time ago,
I was a hormones monstress
to a very special girl.
Her name was Mary.
The year was zero,
and Mary was a horny Jewish tween,
just like you.
There. Now your hair looks like old times.
Oh, heads up, an angel is about to visit.
She has some news.
-[grunts]
-Oh, my God!
Yes, exactly!
[in sing-song] Somebody likes you.
Really? Who?
God! That's what I was saying.
He likes you so much
he wants you to have his baby.
Insane, right?
Wait. God's gonna have sex with her?
He does that?
I mean, I--I know Satan does.
He's dicked me down
a number of times, and listen, I him.
No, no. God isn't gonna have sex with her.
He doesn't want to touch Mary.
He just wants that baby.
Oh, okay, so it's like a Tom Cruise thing.
Does she need to sign an NDA
or something like that?
-Mazel Tov, Mary!
-[roof crumbles]
Wait a minute. I'm gonna have a baby,
but I don't even have sex?
Isn't that like all of the calories
but none of the fun?
Oh, honey, women's pleasure
is a thing of the future.
Like broccolini.
[hammering]
So you want me to be the "husband,"
but we don't actually
have to do anything except hang out?
My parents will love this. I'm in!
Okay. Cool, cool, cool.
So none of the men
in this story want to touch me?
[Connie] Anyways,
fast forward nine months,
and you, I mean, Mary,
were about to give birth.
But you had no place to do it.
Knockity knock-knock.
My wife is going into labor.
Can we come in?
And get birth juice
all over my new dirt floor?
Take a hike! [slams door]
[knocks]
Hello, I'm ancient. How can I love you?
Hi, we need a place for
my 12-year-old wife here to give birth.
Oh, well, this hotel-motel is filled
with diapers and rotten dates
because that's my community
and how I live.
But you can use the barn in the back.
[Connie] And so they went to the barn,
but they called it a manger
'cause I guess that was trendy
at the time? I don't know.
So is stoning people,
which is dodge ball except with rocks,
and then you get to,
you know, kill a guy with your friends.
-[breathing heavily]
-[Connie] And so,
Mary started having the baby.
Thankfully,
one of the animals was a doctor.
-His name was Dr. Hooves.
-[bleats]
What do you mean you ate the epidural?
Hi! Knock-knock! Is now a bad time?
Whoa, are you going
to the bathroom or something?
Who the hell are you? Get outta here!
Uh, we're the three kings
and we brought you presents.
But if you're gonna be a bitch about it,
we can take off.
No, no, no, no, no! What did you bring?
Well, I brought myrrh.
I don't know what it is.
But if you smear it on your wang,
it'll go numb, and then you feel
like you're jacking off a stranger.
So hot. You never know
when the guy's gonna pop.
And--And I brought gold.
You want me to, like,
put it on your stomach?
-I just don't want the doctor to eat it.
-[bleats]
Gold? I thought we were doing a $20 limit.
I just got her the new Tom Clancy scroll.
It's good. It's a fun beach scroll.
-[Jessi grunts, strains]
-[splat]
Okay, now she's really
going to the bathroom.
-[bleats]
-What do you mean it's a cheese baby?
[coos]
I already said I don't want a cheese baby.
Oh, I don't know.
I think Baby Cheesus is kinda cute.
Goo-goo gouda.
-Now this will pair well with me!
-[tinkles]
[all approving]
-I guess Baby Cheesus is a tiny bit cute.
-[coos]
Are you kidding? This holy baby rules.
Anyone want to, like,
wage a war on behalf of it?
Kind of feels like we should kill anyone
who doesn't love and worship this baby.
-Holy war!
-[goat bleats]
[Connie] And that was the first Christmas.
You know, some of that
felt less than accurate to me,
if I can give you some fearless feedback.
Oh! So you're thinkin'
Mary just got laid and then lied about it.
Yeah, I did not say that.
Oh, look,
there's a present under the tree.
"To Jessi, from Caitlin.
Don't worry, it's not cheese."
-Should I open it?
-Is Satan's dick long and curly?
-I don't know.
-Oh, it is.
"Little sister"?
Oh, my gosh, a sister.
[chuckles] Wow!
You're gonna be a real good big sister.
And, oh, you'll get
your present from me tonight.
It's a sex dream,
and Dr. Hooves plays a prominent role.
Okay. Well, now I'm scared to go to sleep.
Would it help if I told you
that you were also a goat?
-Kinda.
-Well, unfortunately, that's not the case.
-[bleats]
-["Jingle Bells" plays]
[squeaking]
[steam horn toots]
[elves humming]
Oh, no! Dolly's bow is ripped!
And on Christmas Eve!
What do we do, Jingle?
That is a pickle.
But don't worry, Twinkle. Santa will know.
Well, let's go ask him.
[knocks]
Huh, no answer.
Well, it is a toy emergency.
I guess we should go in?
Well, I guess we should!
-[Santa] Ho-ho-ho! Ho-ho-ho!
-[grunting] Oh, I've been naughty!
-Dump your big bag of coal in my guts!
-Oh!
Oh, stop now, Mama.
If you keep talking like that,
this jolly old man's gonna blow!
-[gasps] Jiminy Christmas!
-Oh, shit!
-Oh, no! G-get out!
-[Jingle] Oh!
-Oh!
-Get out now!
This was not for you to see! No!
[slams door]
What were they doing?
I don't know!
In all my 400 years,
I've never seen anything like that.
But I can't stop thinking about it.
Can't stop thinking about what?
We saw Santa doing something
kinda funny with Mrs. Claus.
Funny how?
[chuckles] Like Seinfeld funny?
Not like Seinfeld.
Not exactly like that.
Like Hannah Gadsby funny?
No, it's hard to describe.
Well, if you can't describe it,
why don't you show us?
[chuckles] Yeah! Show us what you saw!
We're curious!
I'm a visual learner. Charts and diagrams.
-Well, I guess we could give it a whirl.
-[elves cheering]
One was riding the other, almost.
It was kind of like this, right?
-Oh! Oh, dear.
-Oh! Oh-oh!
No, it was faster,
and it was also much harder. [grunts]
-Oh, yes, right there!
-[grunts]
Well, what's interesting is
that feels fucking fantastic.
I wanna try too!
-This does feel good!
-[grunting]
Say something mean to me!
I want to feel embarrassed!
-[elf] Golly fuck!
-[elves grunting and moaning]
Spit on that!
-I'm in love with you!
-[elves giggling]
Just ruin my ass!
-[slurping]
-[Rudolph] Mm-hmm.
Okay. Okay.
-[elf] Whoo!
-Great gumdrops!
Whoa, what's going on in here?
Stop this at once!
Fuck you, Santa!
We quit!
Hey, Santa, Santa?
Why don't you watch me cum?
I'm gonna cum right now,
and I want you to look directly
into my eyes.
-Oh, oh, dear.
-How are you doing with all this?
-Hanging in there, buddy?
-Well, Christmas is ruined.
Yeah, they're adult elves, you probably
should've just told them about sex.
[sighs] I probably should have.
Anyway, I'm gonna go cover
that gingerbread man over there
with my frosting, which is,
of course, and I can't stress this enough,
my cum. [chuckles]
I see.
Well, I suppose children
around the world are going to have
a very different
kind of Christmas this year.
Ew, a moist Post-It note that says,
"I owe you an iPhone"?
Oh! What?
Tony Macaroni,
Chef Boyardee, and all the saints!
Santa got me exactly what I wanted.
It's two little friends
making thick in the warm!
Yeah, you like to watch,
you sick, dirty fuck!
Look at the box again.
Uh-huh.
Okay.
Okay.
Well, we told you
you were gonna see Santa's dick.
[chuckling] But we threw in
them sweaty balls
as a special Christmas surprise.
[chitters]
Connie, the guests
are gonna be here any minute.
Will you just get off your sweet
felt ass and walk the penises, please?
They're not my penises!
Okay, here we go.
You loved them when they were cute,
-little pup penises.
-[phone buzzes]
Wait, is that my vibrator or yours?
-God damn it!
-Uh-oh, who bailed now?
Simon Sex just wrote
that he was murdered at Epcot Center.
That sounds like a lie, doesn't it?
Well, I just hope he died
doing what he loved,
-standing in line.
-[doorbell rings]
Oh, thank God.
At least somebody fucking showed up.
-Oh, my. Am I the first one here?
-[wind gusting]
Yeah, Merry Christmas to you too,
Shame Wizard.
By the way, it's still early.
Is it? Oh.
I've just come
from Kermit the Frog's party,
and it was packed.
[laughs] It was quite fun, actually,
until he called his girlfriend
a pig in front of everyone.
He's a mean drunk, is Kermit the Frog.
Yeah, well, people'll be here
any minute now, buster.
You'll see! [grunts]
-[glass shatters]
-Oh, but Constance, I'm afraid I will not,
for I… I must be heading out.
What? You--you just got here.
I'm sorry, but, uh…
[sighs] I've--I've just been
murdered at Epcot Center.
Good luck with your terrible party!
[laughs]
Oh, Connie, this whole thing's a bust!
We've got bigger problems, baby.
One of your penises
left a present under the tree.
I'll give you one hint.
It's dick doodie.
[whimpers]
[solemn music plays]
Hey, Luda! What do you think
of my new Christmas tree?
I stole it from this kid Charlie Brown
who has, like, two hairs on his head.
I think he might be sick.
[barks] Brrish! Brish! Chris!
Christmas… Christmas.
What does Christmas mean to me?
Revenge.
It was Christmas Eve,
and Anthony and I were bringing
squeezy toys and chicken skin
-to underprivileged puppies.
-[chittering]
Only back then, I wasn't Luda.
-[growls, barking]
-I was…
Pretzel!
You little scamp.
We got to deliver
these presents and get home.
-Aw, I love you too, boy!
-[motors rev]
Oh!
Uh, happy holidays…
Uh, uh, what can I do for you gentlemen?
Looks like someone
-brought us some gifts, boys.
-[growls]
Oh, you shouldn't have.
[laughing]
I'm sorry. These presents
are for underprivileged puppies.
Well, it looks like we are
underprivileged puppies now.
[cocks gun] Woof, woof.
-[man laughs] Yeah!
-[Anthony] No, please!
-[gun fires]
-[grunts]
[whimpers]
[Anthony thuds]
[Luda] They made two mistakes that night.
Killing my best friend,
-and letting me live.
-[bell clangs dramatically]
-What a surprise.
-[toy squeaks]
This doggy toy is filled with cheese.
Where did you get?
From some stupid man
and his fat dog, eh, Pretzel.
"Pretzel"? [pounds table, laughs]
-What a silly name.
-[power clunks off]
Uh, wait, what is this? Dark now?
-[door opens]
-[dramatic music rises]
Agh!
-[gurgles]
-[gasps]
-[guns cocking]
-[grunts]
-[barking]
-Ahh!
[gun clicks]
[screams, gurgles]
-[grunting barks]
-[groans]
-[grunts]
-[man] Ahh!
-[groans]
-Ah! [gurgles]
[screams]
Oh, please. Don't kill me.
I'll get you anything you want.
Money, drugs, table food. Anything!
[barks] Rrrnd. Rend.
Friend.
I want my best friend back…
[cocks gun] …you son of a bitch!
-[gun fires]
-[splats]
[door slams open]
-[guns cocking]
-[door slams open]
[Pretzel grunts]
I want that dog put down!
[barking]
[tires screeching]
[man grunts]
[guns firing]
-[motor revs]
-[screeching]
-[cocks gun]
-Holy Manute Boli,
now I'm in Jay's dog's movie?
Hi!
-[gasps]
-[tires squeal]
-Bye!
-[explodes]
[Pretzel] Ooh!
[dramatic music fades]
["O Christmas Tree" plays softly]
Merry Christmas, Nicky!
Open your presents!
[gasps] A motorized scooter!
And a drone!
-[Diane] That's holding Mets tickets!
-And a big hug from your little daddy.
[sighs] Another picture-perfect Christmas
for the Birch family.
Good for Nick.
Andrew! Put down your phone,
you schmendrick!
We're celebrating
an olive oil-based miracle.
Oy gevalt. It's still Hanukkah?
Now open your terrible present.
Surprise! It's a notebook from Walgreens!
[Andrew] And it's got
"Fox News Babies" on the cover?
And tomorrow night,
you're getting diet M&Ms.
[sighs] There is no greater injustice
than being a Jewish boy on Christmas.
You really are missing out.
Christmas is
the perfect orgy of bright lights,
dairy-based alcoholic beverages,
and great deals
at your local Honda dealership.
Oh, what I wouldn't give to have
my parents debase and bankrupt themselves
to give me one perfect Noel.
Andrew, hold still.
There's a pube on your cheek.
[groans] My bush is untenable.
No, no, no, no.
If you find a pube on your cheek,
you get to make a wish!
Well, then, I wish I was…
[echoing] …Christian.
-[blows]
-[tinkles]
[carollers] ♪ Hark the herald
Angels sing ♪
Glory to the newborn King! ♪
[coughs, gags, spits] Oh, come on!
[birds chirping]
Oh, no! My eyes! I'm blind!
I'm gonna have to listen to the Mets
on the radio like some fucking barber.
What the…
Am I Spider-Man?
Hi-ya!
[grunts] Oh.
Probably not.
[gasps] A Smeg fridge?
What happened to the old one that
smelled like newspapers on the inside?
-Andy!
-Oh.
We've been waiting
all morning to spoil you!
-What? Why?
-And we made your favorite!
Store-bought cake and normal M&Ms.
Bullshit. What's your angle, Glouberman?
Who's Glouberman?
-I'm Martin Kent.
-Huh?
Andrew, you gotta come see this.
[tinkles]
Your wish upon a pube came true!
[gasps] I'm a Christian!
Son, there's no gift in the world
that could ever capture
the deep love that I feel for you.
[laughs] Are you fucking kidding me?
But I hope this comes close.
Holy Gary, mother of Todd.
These dumb WASPs bought me a Range Rover!
Oh, and it's positively filled with guns!
-Lick my balls and call me Mommy ♪
-[tires squeal]
-[sleigh bells ringing]
-Fa-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la! ♪
Squeeze these nips because I'm naughty ♪
-Fa-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la ♪
-[munches]
Jam your undies in my asshole ♪
Fa-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la ♪
Piss your pants, then peg the devil ♪
Fa-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la ♪
[laughs]
La!
I can't believe
my parents let me drink gin.
And now, the perfect end to a perfect day.
Oh, yeah.
I'm gonna have
an appetizer, entree, and dessert
from Andy's Dick Squeeze Cafe.
-[chuckles]
-And Creamery!
-Whoa, come on, dude!
-Jesus?
Yeah! And I didn't gruesomely
die on a cross in direct sunlight
so you could diddle yourself!
So wait, do Christians not like it
when you rubby the pee-pee?
-My dad says it's a huge sin…
-[rumbling]
…and he is psycho about that stuff!
-Floor! Oh, shit!
-[people screaming]
-[grunts]
-[laughs maniacally]
Oh, no. Am I in Arizona?
Andrew, I actually think you're in Hell.
Oh, thank God. Well, listen.
If I'm stuck here for all eternity,
I might as well finish what I started--
[Marty] What?
Use me to stroke your disgusting dick?
Holy shit, no!
Oh, Andrew, your hands are your dad!
-[Andrew] And his hands are chainsaws?
-[revving]
Rusty chainsaws!
Hey! Let's cut off his pecker!
Yeah! Slice it right off!
-[Marty laughs]
-[whimpering]
[Maury screams]
Oh, thank God,
I'm alive,
and my hands
are delicate and beautiful again.
You there, boy! Oh, tell me.
Do I look Jewish to you?
Yes, you have
traditionally Jewish features!
Oh, Maury!
It's the greatest
Hanukkah gift of them all!
-You talking cash?
-No, I'm Jewish again.
And I wouldn't buy a Range Rover
if I made $10 million a year.
The Ford Fusion is a perfectly good car.
And to all of you at home, happy Hanukkah!
Hey, don't talk directly to the audience.
Who do you think you are? The Fleabag?
[gentle piano music plays]
What news arrives
from your mother, m'lady?
Is she still traveling hither and yon
in pursuit of the band Hoobastank?
Reading… "Hey, girl,
not gonna be back for Christmas.
Here's a Hoobastank tank
and a pack of their proprietary gum,
Hooba Booba.
Your sister, Mom."
I'm so sorry, My Queen.
I thought she might be home
for Christmas this year.
Yeah, well,
I thought "fruip" ended with a "P",
so I guess none of us knows anything.
Are you saying "fruit" with a "T"?
Yeah, everybody gets
fruip-cake for the holidays,
and nobody wants it,
just like Lola.
Come on, Alanabeth, we're late
for our mother-daughter spray tans!
I promise I'll close my eyes this time.
You do whatever you want, sweetie.
It's Christmas. I love you!
Gasp! A gush of inspiration!
[chuckles] Spaghetti… Cool.
A tinfoil belly button ring,
lip gloss…
[gasps] …Fritos for nails,
and the Hoobastank tank… [gasps]
Oh, my Snowmom!
-[wind gusting]
-[tinkling]
Oh, my God, my Snowmom
has absolutely sprung to life.
Shall we embark on an escapade
in this winter wonderland?
["We Wish You a Merry Christmas" plays]
Yes, sledding! Oh, glee!
-[chuckling, snorts]
-Freezing cold boobies.
-[grunts]
-Boner alert!
[chuckles]
-I love you so much, Mommy.
-[Lola grunts, laughing]
-Oh! Hey! Ow!
-You didn't, like, invent moms,
you caramelized,
little sweet-for-nothing bitch!
-Oh!
-[laughs, snorts]
What do you think, Snowmom?
Should we bake some gingerbread hotties
and decorate this tree?
-[splats]
-Ah! Snowmom?
-[sad music plays]
-Oh, no!
[doorbell rings]
[Lola sniffling]
Rodney, my mom's parole officer?
Yeah, you don't need
to call me that every time though.
You're honestly, like,
a very tertiary character, Rodney.
-What do you want?
-Well, I got a postcard from your mom.
Please, you're not special.
I got one of those postcards too.
Yeah, and, you know,
since she's not gonna be here,
and I got this extra-large
chicken parm sub,
I thought, I don't know,
maybe you could help me finish it?
And what, pray tell, am I supposed
to wash it down with, Rodney?
Oh, I don't know.
How about a nice Barq's Diet Creme Soda?
Oh, well, then I look forward
to the sweet and savory burps
that this combination will behold.
[pleasant music plays]
[sleigh bells ringing]
You know what?
Fuck everyone I've ever met.
We'll do the party without any of them.
-Right, Connie?
-I don't know, Maury.
I think I had too much jingle juice.
I might just go to bed.
But you can't!
I made a fire and I need you
to stick the tree up my ass.
-Can't we do it in the morning?
-No!
-In my family, we do it on Christmas Eve.
-[faint coughing]
Shut up! Shut up! Shut up! You hear that?
Sounds like the walls are coughing!
Oh, no, I forgot!
Rick was supposed to surprise everyone
by coming down the chimney
dressed as a lingerie Santa!
-Ahh! [groaning]
-[both scream]
[sizzling]
Ho-ho…
Hospital.
Oh, sweet Rick, are you okay?
Oh, my skin, it's boiling!
You still want me to lick a candy cane
like it's your pee-pee?
I mean, if you can.
Okay.
[groans]
-Oh, shit! Rick's dead!
-[Maury groans]
And I never had the chance to tell him
that I never loved him.
-[sobs]
-[upbeat music plays]
Christmas wolf! Ho-ho! [howls]
Okay. Easy, tiger.
I can't believe we have to wait
four more days until we get our presents.
I hope when I walk up
to the tree that morning,
there's a card that says,
"A charitable donation has been made
in your name to Mulch for America."
Oh! It's such important work.
Very interesting,
your Christmas traditions,
all about the gifts.
This glorification of consumption…
So very American.
Uncle Sam's club,
big bottle root beer cola…
In our country,
Christmas is quite different.
It's a celebration of life!
Come on,
your Christmas isn't that different!
Yeah, what,
do you wear candles on your head?
Call Santa "Papa Winter" or something?
Ha-ha! No!
Our Santa is called…
[both] Vader Johan.
[Mila] In our country,
on the eve of Christmas,
we put baubles
on the branches of the trees,
-drink jurgennektaar, the salted eel milk…
-[slurps]
…and place our painted eggs
on the windowsill.
Then, when daylight is no more,
the bell is rung.
-[bell tolling]
-This means Vader Johan approaches.
It has begun.
The bell awakens Vader Johan
from the bottom of the river.
This is where he lives,
in a castle made of children's bones.
-[thudding]
-[ice rumbling]
-A braid of 40 eels…
-[chittering]
…brings Vader Johan to the surface.
[Lotte chuckles] Now you can smell him.
[Mila] His odor is that of cod
and black licorice.
He has the body of a walrus,
the sharp teeth of a dolphin,
and the legs of countless crabs.
He plays a flute made of… you guessed it…
[Mila and Lotte] Children's bones.
[plays rapid melody]
[Mila] And in our country,
it does not matter
if you are naughty or nice,
for all the bones taste the same to…
[echoing] …Vader Johan.
Your only hope is to trick Vader Johan
into believing you are already dead,
and therefore not fresh and tasty.
You do this by sleeping
in your child coffin…
[echoing] …okay?
And this is when you pray
to the Mongoose King.
-[match sizzles]
-Oh, Mongoose King,
please protect my tender child bones
from the jaws of Vader Johan,
and do enjoy
these eggs I have left for you.
In Jesus' Christ's name, amen.
[Mila] Uh-oh,
Vader Johan can hear your blood!
Perhaps you are lucky
and your window eggs and prayers
have attracted the Mongoose King.
He eats your eggs and challenges
Vader Johan to a battle of…
-[echoing] …dance.
-[techno music plays]
There is always the chance
that the nimble and clever
Mongoose King will be victorious.
But tonight, he is danced into…
[echoing] …cream.
And Vader Johan has
his kinderbotfeest, the child bone dinner.
[screams]
But the cream,
this is the cream that we eat together
with our families on 29 December.
So a Merry Christmas is had by all.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, wait! So the kid died?
He did not die, he was consumed.
He lives on in the bowels of Vader Johan.
I'm pretty sure he died, guys.
Um, Vader Johan, uh,
he goes away after Christmas, right?
Oh, no, Vader Johan
is always hungry for children.
Like your precious food president,
Ronald McDonald.
Oh, yes, this reminds me…
[both] Once you hear
The story of Vader Johan ♪
You must share
The story of Vader Johan ♪
Or you'll be consumed by Vader Johan ♪
Which is like dying but it's worse! ♪
-[screams]
-Help me!
I don't wanna live
in Vader Johan's bowels!
Will you share the story of Vader Johan?
-Your child bones depend on it.
-[eerie music plays]
[crab legs pattering]
[music fades]
[Christmas music plays]
Wake up, Matthew.
Let's go downstairs and catch Santa
while he's putting
all the presents underneath the tree.
Oh, Brittany, go back to sleep.
-There is no Santa.
-What?
Yeah, Mom and Dad leave all the presents.
Santa's not…
[echoing] …real.
-Good Lord. I'm not real?
-[ominous bell tolls]
[stammering] No, no. It can't be.
I-I'm as real as these flying reindeer.
Although now that
I think about it, can reindeer fly?
Oh! Oh!
Have I been delusional all this time?
How can one man possibly deliver presents
all over the world in a single night?
I'm supposed to be thousands of years old.
I look 65, tops!
If I really drank
a million glasses of milk in one night,
I'd make a terrible mess
in my Santa pants.
Excuse me, Santa, how come
I never get a present for Christmas?
Is it because of that time
I did arson on a 7-Eleven?
Don't ask me, kid.
I'm just some big,
fat nutjob in a silly red suit.
Yeah, my dad says you're not real,
but he says a lot of things
just to make me cry.
Yeah, well, at least you exist.
["Deck the Halls" playing over stereo]
Can we turn that goddamn music off?
-Jesus Christ.
-[explosion]
What in the Grinch's
emerald green asshole was that?
We got you now, Pretzel.
-[whimpers]
-You'll have to let me know
-if all dogs do, in fact, go to heaven.
-[men chuckle]
That movie, to me, is good animation.
Nothing nasty, just nice story.
Leave him alone!
Who the fuck is this guy?
I'm motherfucking Santa Claus!
[laughs] Oh, yeah?
Well, then, I guess I am Easter Bunny?
-[men laugh]
-I know the Easter Bunny,
I work with the Easter Bunny,
and you, sir, are no Easter Bunny!
[grunts] Yeah!
-[exciting music plays]
-[snarls, barks]
-[growling]
-Hi-yah! [grunts]
[barks]
-[grunts]
-[cracks]
-[grunts]
-[splats]
Ya koshka.
-This is Russian for "I am cat person."
-[barks, growling]
[in slow-motion] No!
[splats]
-Agh! [gurgles]
-[somber music plays]
Maybe I… am real.
-[whimpers]
-They'll never stop coming for you.
-Isn't that right, boy?
-[whimpers]
Just maybe you can find some peace here.
[rings doorbell]
[winces, pants]
[gasps] Holy shit! I knew Santa was real.
He got me a pit bull! Oh, my God!
I'm gonna name you "Featuring Ludacris."
No parentheses.
[barks] Brrrll. Brrill. Kill.
Kill. Kill. Kill one man,
and you are a murderer.
Kill them all, and you are a god.
[grunts]
Merry Christmas to all, and to all…
[weakly] …a good night.
-[groans]
-[church bell tolls]
[Maury sobbing]
And all I really wanted was an absolutely
picture-perfect Christmas party
that would be remembered
even after the world ended.
But instead,
I booted tummy juice on the couch,
nobody showed up, and Rick's dead.
Is me recapping this helpful to you?
No, it's not.
Ooh! The sword!
Yep, as is customary
in hormone monster culture,
we must now decapitate
dear, dead Rick and fuck his skull…
That he may rest
his weary, cum-filled head.
In Jesus Christ's name, amen.
Yeah, cut off my fuckin' head
nice and slow.
-Rick!
-You're alive!
Nothing can kill me!
That's my curse, baby!
Oh, Rick, just seeing you again
makes me feel like
I could dance
the Mongoose King into cream. [chuckles]
-Well, that's what Christmas is all about.
-["O Christmas Tree" plays]
Because Christmastime is
when all good boys and girls
do a lap dance for the king of the mall.
What's that now?
You gotta mix and mingle
in the jingling feet.
And that is the "Crocodile Rock"!
Maury, this is pitiful.
Jump in on this, please?
I think what Rick is saying is
the only thing that matters at Christmas
is being with the ones you love.
And I love you guys!
Ah, I love you too.
Even if you did ruin my party.
Merry Christmas!
-[bell tolls]
-[power clunks]
Uh-oh! Shit, Maury…
[sniffs] …do you smell
cod and black licorice?
-[chittering]
-Yes, and I hear a braid of eels.
-Uh, did you put out the eggs?
-I was too busy getting blackout drunk!
Good thing I know how to dance
like a mother baby, fucker.
[techno music plays]
[Mila echoing] Vader.
[echoing] Johan.
[echoing] Vader Johan.
[Rick] That's what Christmas is all…
[echoing] …about.
That's what Christmas is all…
[echoing] …about.
[Mila] Children's… [echoes] …bones.
The bones of… [echoes] children.
Children's… [echoing] …bones.
[Mila and Lotte] And now
you can smell him.
[Mila] We're going to dance
the Mongoose King into… [echoing] …cream.
[Rick] That's what Christmas is all…
[echoing] …about.
[Mila echoing] Vader.
[echoing] Johan.
[echoing] Vader.
-[echoing] Johan.
-[music fades]