Brooklyn Nine-Nine s05e08 Episode Script
Return to Skyfire
1 Hey, Jake, guess who just called me? The Jerky Boys.
They're back! No.
What? - No.
- No.
D.
C.
Parlov.
He's in town for LegendCon, and he has a case for us! Oh, my God, oh, my God, oh, my God! Parlov? Didn't he write those "Skyfire" books? I thought he turned out to be a jerk.
Yeah, but ever since Jake and I saved his life, he's actually been very nice.
He even sent me a Christmas gift.
A full-scale replica of the sword of Opadoma.
- Unh! - Why are you so excited? You don't care about those stupid books.
I actually did read all of them in prison.
They are the greatest books I've ever read, and I've read "Cujo.
" Jake and I really bonded over "Skyfire.
" - Yeah.
- Watch this.
Favorite moment in the series? BOTH: The summoning of Balacastro.
- Second favorite? - BOTH: The Scarlet Feast! - Third favorite? - BOTH: When you thought Ka'lar had been swallowed by the Norolith, but had just switched armor with Samling the Betrayer in the battle of Vorcastle.
[LAUGHTER.]
Fourth favorite? Three was plenty.
So was zero.
Okay, I can see that you're skeptical, Rosa, but how about this: come with us on the case! I know you think it's dumb, but "Skyfire" is actually very smart and dark and adult.
It's not for nerds at all.
Ooh! On our way there, should we sing the elvish hunting song? [LAUGHS.]
BOTH: Sharpen your swords And string your bows The beasts have gone away [UPBEAT MUSIC.]
Whoa, look at this place! Ooh, they're selling moss wine.
I wonder if it's as gross as the books say it is.
I can never get into any of this crap.
I think the reason is because it's garbage.
Rosa, I think if you just gave it a chance, you would get hooked.
I mean, what is it that you do in your free time that's so cool? Fix up old cars and sell them to celebrities.
That's why I'm friends with Tom Hardy.
Right, so we agree that we're all equally cool.
Here we go.
This is Parlov's panel.
"Diversity in Fantasy Writing.
" Ooh, the line starts here.
[APPLAUSE.]
Real diverse diversity panel.
And, like, people always ask me, "Where do you get your ideas?" And honestly, Wikipedia.
I always try to pull from life.
Queen Tiffany, of course, was named after a lovely hostess that I met in Bonita Springs in Florida.
You know, I've always wanted to write a book myself, but all I know about is cops, and there are literally no more cop stories to tell.
Zero.
- I've actually been writing a novel.
- Wait, what? You're writing a book? When? For who? For me for fun.
Look, I'm not trying to be an author.
I don't even know how to go about doing that.
Parlov! You should show it to Parlov.
- He could probably get it published.
- No, that's crazy.
Like, I'm sure it's bad.
I don't want to be embarrassed.
Terry, you are a great husband, father, detective, painter, dancer, and you're so jacked you have muscles on your back.
Everyone has back muscles, Jake.
Nuh-huh, my back looks like the inside of a spoon.
The point is, you're great at everything.
You're probably great at writing, too.
I am not showing Parlov my book, okay? All right.
Here he comes.
Now just drop it.
Sorry, I hope that wasn't too tedious for you.
It was fascinating, especially to Terry.
- He's a writer, and he wrote a book.
- Would you read it? - BOTH: Dude! - Sure.
Love to, absolutely.
But listen, there's something I want you to see.
Come with me, guys, all right? - Jake! - What? Terry, you need to believe in yourself, like when Morzak answered the sorceress' riddle! She turned him into a tree, Jake.
Yeah, a tree that became the handle of Prominius' axe.
Parlov is so far away already.
Yeah, good call.
Let's go after him.
[KNOCKS AT DOOR.]
Hey.
The desk sergeant said we're hosting a forensic sciences course.
Yes, taught by Dr.
Ronald Yee.
He revolutionized the field of forensic entomology.
He is a rock star.
Oh, please.
Rock stars wish they were he.
The man can tell how long a corpse had been decomposing just by studying the maggots inside.
I'd like to see Barbra Streisand do that.
I'm not sure Barbra Streisand counts as a rock star, sir.
She sings in English.
That's rock music.
Well, it sounds interesting.
Can I sign up? [SIGHS.]
Yes, you can, but here's the thing: if we do well at this course, we receive board certification, which makes us eligible to receive a grant to open a field lab in the precinct, but Eh but whenever we have a speaker come in, you kind of tend to always derail these things with personal stories.
That's how I learn.
I relate course material to my experiences.
Subjective learning.
Millennials.
I know it's important, so I promise, I won't tell any stories, though sometimes they do come in handy.
One time, all the Boyles were in this fungus cavern, and this massive mushroom comes - Charles.
- I am so sorry.
I slipped right into it.
I'll be good.
This is my room, right over here.
Listen, I need just a moment to clean up.
I had a female visitor in earlier today dressed as Concubina.
She got smears of green body paint all over everything.
Everything.
He was talking about his penis.
- I know, Jake.
- He pulls, Rosa.
- He pulls.
That's all I'm saying.
- I can't believe you - told him about my book.
- I'm sorry, Terry, but now D.
C.
Parlov is going to read what you wrote! How cool is that? - He's pretty cool.
- Right? You haven't even told me what it's about yet.
Well, it's the story of a Gorgon warrior - Awesome.
- Who betrays his bloodline - How could he? - To marry a Cloud Princess - He did it for love.
- Even though - their families are at war.
- No! All right, no more spoilers.
Send it over to me, and I'm gonna stay up all night reading it.
- It's only 150 pages.
- I'm gonna stay up all the next three nights reading it.
Dr.
Yee will be here any minute, and we need to make a good impression.
If you need to cough Cough now.
[COUGHING OBNOXIOUSLY.]
My God, what if I hadn't said anything? Don't worry, I got this.
Nobody sucks up like a Boyle.
Our scoliosis allows us to bow more deeply than normal people.
Huh, here's an idea: Santiago and I will impress him with the depth of our forensic knowledge, and you can wow him with your stoic, silent demeanor.
No stories.
Understood? Stoic.
Ah.
Good morning, everyone.
Thank you for having me at the Nine-Nine.
Sorry I'm late.
Just had to deal with some family issues.
Cousins, right? Okay, before we get technical, let's talk a bit about the history of blood.
Does anyone here know any hemophiliacs? [WHISPERING.]
So many Now, they played a vital role in the development of modern forensics.
Them and leeches.
My cousin Torvald is a hemophiliac, and his wife is a leech farmer.
I say "wife," but it's a common-law marriage.
For the longest time, Boyle wedding ceremonies were not recognized in the state.
- - Well, here's the situation: somebody stole my laptop, which contained the unpublished manuscript of book 13 of "The Skyfire Cycle.
" The person left this note.
"We have your book.
"Pay us $500,000 in the next 24 hours "or we leak it online.
"The first five chapters are now up.
" They've been downloaded 85,000 times.
Well, we should probably go online and read those chapters in case there's some clues in there, and also maybe we'll find out Qwandor's true parentage? - Oh that's already been revealed.
- No, it hasn't.
[GASPS.]
BOTH: Unless the prophecy of Dorgon is indeed true! - But that would mean - You seem pretty calm for somebody - whose book was just stolen.
- Because I know who took it.
- Landon Lawson.
- He was on that panel.
He writes "The Shadowbringer Saga.
" It's garbage.
So why would Lawson want to steal your manuscript? We both have books coming out this fall, and we have a rather public bet about whose is going to sell better.
I believe he's leaking my manuscript online just to hurt my sales.
- You should arrest him.
- Well, we're not going to do anything until we've seen all the evidence.
If this book fails, that's the end of "Skyfire.
" Let's go take this son of a bitch down! Mr.
Lawson? NYPD.
Let me guess: you're here about the stolen manuscript? So you admit you did it? Well, that was easy.
What? No.
Someone stole my manuscript, and I know who it was: D.
C.
Parlov.
BOTH: By Zorton's Sword! It's the exact same note Parlov got.
I don't see why anybody would want to steal your book.
"The Skyfire Cycle" makes "The Shadowbringer Saga" look like "The BeastWorm Chronicles.
" You see, Rosa, "The BeastWorm Chronicles" are one of the more simplistic - Don't care.
- Yeah.
You know what? My books say something, okay? I was the only one brave enough to tackle elf molestation.
Guys, calm down.
You're both victims.
Now, do you have any enemies in common? Let me think about that.
Parlov is my enemy, but he's also his own enemy, because he's such a boring and repetitive writer.
He just keeps killing off characters, resurrecting them, and killing 'em off again.
Because of the Chrysalis Orb! Uh, sorry.
Police officer, on a case.
But we will need you to both generate actual lists of people that might want to hurt you.
We have 24 hours to figure this out, but if we don't, are you willing to pay the ransom? I'd do anything to get my book back.
I mean, you understand.
You're a writer.
Do you hear that, Terry? He called you a writer.
Terry, did you hear? Terry? Well, Terry's broken.
Write up those lists.
We're on the case.
- - Welcome back.
So today, I want to focus on facial reconstruction.
For over a century, we used plaster casts to help identify decomposed John and Jane Does.
We buried my Nana Boyle at the family farm, but because of the soil's high salt content, she turned into jerky.
Never mind.
- Please continue.
- Now, I need one person per group to have a plaster cast made of their head.
Uh, will he or she Be able to speak? Not while the plaster's on, no.
- I vote Charles.
- Charles.
I was gonna vote me, too.
I mean, I know the plaster can dry out your skin, but as a Boyle, I'm aggressively moist.
Oop, you gotta close that mouth, Boyle.
Shh-shh-shh-shh.
Keep still and quiet.
Have you been here all night? We traded off, and each slept a few hours right here in the break room, but we got a lead.
You know Miles Moorgil? He wrote "The Nocturine Quartet" novels.
Well, Moorgil is the only person on both Parlov and Lawson's lists of potential enemies.
Apparently, they each slept with his wife.
How do these guys do so well with women? Oh, I'm sorry they don't live up to your superficial standards of male beauty, Rosa.
I'm kidding.
It's because they're rich.
Moorgil's here for the conference.
We're gonna go confront him and get the laptops back.
Then, maybe, we can see if Parlov read my book yet.
Oh, well, I mean, it's been less than a day.
- Maybe don't get your hopes up.
- Don't worry.
I don't have any expectations.
- Good.
- I'm gonna be at my phone, just in case a publisher calls.
I mean, someone.
Yeah.
Whatever.
It's fine.
My hopes are up.
All right, buddy.
I couldn't sleep last night, so I started reading Terry's book, and it's terrible.
I made him show it to Parlov.
He's gonna be humiliated.
Relax.
How bad could it be? So bad, and I'm entertained by everything.
I once went to a play.
So what are you gonna do about Parlov? - I don't know.
- Don't know what? Uh, how to do Sex good.
How much should I be flapping my arms around? - Not much.
- Right.
Well, that settles that.
I knew that Amy was wrong.
[CHUCKLES.]
Anyways, let's get back on the case, right? Skyfire Cycle.
Okay, now that the plaster's dry, you'll see why we lubricated the subject's face with Vaseline first.
Oh, no, we forgot the lube.
Charles, can you hear us? What do we do? Doctor? Uh, what if someone No one in this room, mind you Forgot to lubricate before applying the plaster? Oh, one of my lab techs made that mistake once.
It becomes impossible to remove the mask without literally skinning the subject alive.
It takes five days for the plaster to slough off on its own.
And what became of the lab tech? Oh, I fired him.
It was an unacceptable level of incompetence.
Huh, what a satisfying conclusion to that story.
- Boyle! - [MUFFLED.]
Mm.
A mistake was made and we can't remove your mask yet.
We're gonna leave you in here Until after the class is over, because if Dr.
Yee sees you like this, we can kiss our certification good-bye.
[MUFFLED PROTEST.]
I'm sorry, Boyle, but Hitchcock and Scully will be here with you.
[MUFFLED SHOUTING.]
I don't know, Captain.
He seems pretty upset.
- Hold on.
- [MUFFLED.]
Mm! Look how happy he is now.
[MUFFLED GROANING.]
Yes, you're welcome, Boyle.
I don't understand.
Why do you think I would steal those laptops? Parlov and Lawson are your rivals.
You're jealous of their success.
And of course, you have a personal motive.
You hate them for sleeping with your wife.
- What? They slept with my wife? - And you didn't know.
[LAUGHS.]
Well, this is awkward.
We should probably just go.
- Jessica! - She's here.
- That's wonderful.
- Yes, sweets? Did you sleep with D.
C.
Parlov and Landon Lawson? - Uh - Why would you do that? You've ruined our marriage.
You've ruined it! You know, this seems like a conversation for just you two, so oop, here comes a child.
Mommy? Daddy? Are you getting divorced? Are they getting divorced? BOTH: Uh Oof.
Okay, that was a rough 70 minutes.
- Yeah, but - That kid looked exactly like Parlov? 100%.
BOTH: Oh Anyways, that was our last lead, so looks like we're back at the Nil Caverns.
- Did you just say the Nil Caverns? - Hm? - Like, from my book? - Uh, yep.
Mm-hmm, mm-hmm, mm-hmm, I did, because you told me about them when you were explaining the plot.
I didn't, but that's because I wanted the Nil Caverns to be a surprise.
Why didn't you tell me you read my book, Jake? - Uh - Oh, no.
- You hated it.
- What? Terry, no, I didn't hate it.
- I liked tons of parts.
- Name one.
Name one part you liked, Jake.
- The map? - I didn't draw that! It was a map of the Chesapeake Bay with the names slightly changed! [GASPS.]
Oh, my God.
You made me show Parlov.
You humiliated me in front of my hero! Sarge, I'm sorry.
Look, I didn't just like the map.
I also liked the spaces between the words! That's not helpful.
You guys got a million dollars together on 24 hours' notice? Yeah, I had to liquidate my Bitcoins.
Oh, really? I would've thought you'd be flushed with cash from the "Skyfire" TV series.
Oh, wait, that's right.
The CW passed.
How's the "Shadowbringer" film coming along? Howie Long still playing both twins? All right.
Let's go over the plan.
Okay, there's a potted tree on the east side of the lobby.
They said to leave the briefcase behind that.
If someone grabs it, Rosa, Peralta, and I will converge.
We'll be positioned around the room in disguise.
It's not gonna work.
I don't own a nerd costume.
Oh, but Rosa, you are already wearing one.
You naturally dress like the female bounty hunter in every steampunk novel.
Look.
All you need are welding goggles.
Damn it.
I have welding goggles in the car.
Shall we to battle? Mask on, mask on Mask, mask on Got your mask on, mask on Represent, yeah, gotta represent To solve that problem, we would use fluid dynamic analysis.
That is exactly right.
Well done.
Where's your friend? Shouldn't he be here for the plaster removal? Something came up, so he had to remove the mask, which came off quite easily, and run out.
It was urgent police business.
Bunch of kids are being held hostage, so he had to go deal with that.
Oh, well, if you need to leave to provide him with backup - No, it's a teachable moment.
- The children - can handle themselves.
- Captain Holt? Your husband's on the phone.
He wants to know how long you're going to kiss for tonight? Would you excuse us for one moment? Your husband didn't really call.
I wasn't sure what gay guys talk about on the phone.
How'd I do? Scully, what do you want? We were watching Charles, like you said, but both of us had to go to the bathroom really bad.
Ugh.
Where's Charles? - We have no idea.
- BOTH: What? - Terry, do you copy? - I copy.
- Seriously? You're still mad at me? - All I said was "I copy.
" Yeah, but you had a tone.
Just admit it.
- Let it go, Jake.
- No, he's right.
Terry had a tone.
- Terry had a big-time tone.
- Don't worry.
I bet he hasn't even read your book yet.
It's been two hours.
I'm almost at the front of this line.
I don't even know who I'm waiting to take a picture with.
"Bran Stark?" Pass.
Okay, he's just the three-eyed raven.
Here we go, here we go.
We got action.
He dresses just like you, Jake.
Is that someone popular? Yes, Rosa, it's Ka'lar.
17th of his name, sworn knight of the Queen's Crown, the Daybreaker, the rightful heir to All right.
You can just say "Ka'lar.
" Uh, then how will you know which Ka'lar I'm talking about? It's a very common name in "Skyfire.
" It's like their John.
He's going for the briefcase.
Okay, let's go.
Don't make your move until you're close to him.
There's too many civilians.
[TENSE MUSIC.]
Wait, why are there so many Ka'lars? Costume contest just ended.
That's why he waited until now to pick up the money.
I lost him.
Which one is it? It's the one headed toward the service elevator.
Hey! Freeze! NYPD.
Let me see your hands.
What's going on? Doesn't have the briefcase.
I got the wrong Ka'lar.
- I have eyes on him.
- Take him down! [GRUNTS.]
Wrong Ka'lar Boyle's not in the interrogation room.
He couldn't have gotten far.
He can't see.
You can go a long way on muscle memory alone.
One time, I sleepwalked - to the M&M's store in Times Square.
- [LOUD BANGING.]
Oh, oh! Stairwell.
- Oh, God, oh, God, oh, God.
- I'm okay.
It's okay.
[SCREAMS.]
Sorry, stranger.
I just can't see anything at all, and it's really scary being touched.
- Are you okay? - Yes.
Just return me to the 99th precinct.
Boyle, it's us.
Where were you going? Why would you leave that windowless supply closet we locked you in? Ah, yes, hearing it, I understand why.
I was trying to get to the locker room to steam the mask off in the shower so you guys could still get certified.
Wait.
You were trying to help us? Even though you'll be stuck in this mask for five days? Five days? Well, I know how important the course was to you.
It's not.
- Not anymore.
- [SCREAMS.]
I'm so sorry.
I just cannot see at all.
I can't believe it! Now I'm out $1/2 million! What am I supposed to do now? Write another "Compendium of Beasts"? Do you have any idea how hard it is to find enough interns to slap that crap together? God! Don't worry about him.
At least we got to stop that thief from releasing any more chapters.
All we're out is some money, plus I've got insurance, so I'm going to get it all back.
By the way, Detective Jeffords, while we were waiting, I had an opportunity to read your manuscript.
Oh, don't worry about that.
It's a work in progress.
Has a lot of changes I No, no, no, it was great.
Truly.
Fantastic.
I mean, it was so fresh, you know? It had a really unique point of view.
I sent it on to my publishers.
Thank you for allowing me to read it.
And I want to thank you all for your hard, hard work on this case.
Appreciate it.
[BREATHING EXCITEDLY.]
Ooh, did you hear that? He loved it.
D.
C.
Parlov loved my writing! You were wrong! And being wrong never felt so right.
Oh, that sounded cool.
Did I just make up a hit song? Being wrong never felt so right With the Addams Family staying up all night Yep, I was right.
It's a hit.
I gotta go call Sharon! All righty.
Well, congratulations, Sarge! And don't forget about us when you become a famous author.
Terry's writing sucks.
Parlov is lying to him.
- What? Why? - I don't know.
He's buttering him up because Lawson and Parlov stole their own books! Well, they stole their own books It's plain to see But who's on the case The Addams Family Terry is Gomez, I'm Cousin It You are Wednesday, let's do this Okay, we should go.
Why do you think these guys are in it together? They hate each other.
They spent an hour arguing over the name of the dragon in "The Hobbit.
" - "Smog.
" - "Smowg.
" - Smog! - Smowg! - [YELLING.]
Smog! - [YELLING.]
Smowg! It's "Smowg," by the way Point Lawson but yes, they're mortal enemies, which is why they think we'll never suspect them of being in cahoots.
Oh, but they cahooted, Rosa.
They cahooted all over us.
Gross.
Why'd they leak their chapters? To get people excited, like when Carly Rae Jepsen puts out an amazing single, and you have to wait six weeks for the album to come out.
She's great.
I'm not apologizing.
So Parlov contacted Terry because he knows Sarge is a super-fan and can be manipulated.
Yes, he's been giving Terry presents since last year.
And Terry's novel gave Parlov another chance to manipulate him.
Unless is it possible Parlov actually likes Sarge's writing? Read the first sentence.
- Yep, Parlov did it.
- Very much so.
Gah! Now I have to tell Sarge that his fantasy novel stinks.
This is the hardest part of being a cop.
Now, there are issues with RFLP testing, as there are with every technique, but Captain, I thought you said your friend removed his mask and left.
I forgot to lube up his face.
We failed to listen to the instructions.
That is incredibly careless.
I know, and it means we won't receive our certification, and I'm okay with that.
- Unless my honesty - No, it's off the table.
- And I'm okay with that.
- Well, anyway, RFLP testing was designed to localize genetic disorders, and it Ooh, my cousin Donna has a genetic disorder where her lips were made of cartilage, meaning her mouth is technically a beak.
I don't see how that pertains to anything No, let him talk.
I want to hear it.
Boyle, tell us about your cousin's beak.
Well, she runs marathons to raise money for other people afflicted with "bird-face.
" There are only two of them.
- They're her kids.
- Oh, Sarge! Funny seeing you here.
Oh, that reminds me.
I have to tell you something.
What was it? Out with it, Peralta.
Okay, fine.
Here it goes.
- I think that - Parlov hated my book.
He only said he liked it so I wouldn't figure out he and Lawson stole their own manuscripts.
- You figured it out.
- Well, I had a gut feeling, so I went digging.
I got a warrant for Parlov's browser history.
He searched "how to liquidate Bitcoins" three days before the laptops were stolen.
Man, I bet that browser history was a nightmare, huh? - Oh, you have no idea.
- Yeah.
Anyway, I questioned them, and they confessed.
I can't go to prison, okay? I know I seem tough, but I'm not.
- I went to Bennington.
- Ew.
I'm sorry Parlov didn't like your book.
And I didn't.
And also Rosa.
- Why did I add that? - No, it's okay.
At least I won't waste any more time trying to be a writer.
Wait, let me ask you a question.
Are you a better cop now than when you started? - Nope.
- Wasn't talking to you.
Yeah.
I look back at my old cases and I can't believe how long - it took me to figure things out.
- Yeah, but you worked on it, and you kept working, and now, 12 to 40 years later I don't have a good sense of your age You're a great cop who got a "gut feeling" and solved a huge case.
So you think I should keep writing? I mean, you might not become a huge famous author, but you'll get better, and if it makes you happy, it can't be that bad.
Sheryl Crow, she's great.
I won't apologize.
And who knows? Claire Essalgorn didn't start writing the first "Crimson Portal" novel until she was 60.
I started reading it because the character looks like me.
I kept reading it because it's so good! Rosa, you did get hooked, you big nerd! This heroine is my heroin.
Oh, such a dweebus.
I love it! Speaking of which, Parlov's laptop is in evidence.
Want to go read the new "Skyfire" book? Oh, I don't know.
I mean, he's such a bad guy.
Do we even like his books anymore? [CHUCKLES.]
BOTH: Sharpen your swords And string your bows
They're back! No.
What? - No.
- No.
D.
C.
Parlov.
He's in town for LegendCon, and he has a case for us! Oh, my God, oh, my God, oh, my God! Parlov? Didn't he write those "Skyfire" books? I thought he turned out to be a jerk.
Yeah, but ever since Jake and I saved his life, he's actually been very nice.
He even sent me a Christmas gift.
A full-scale replica of the sword of Opadoma.
- Unh! - Why are you so excited? You don't care about those stupid books.
I actually did read all of them in prison.
They are the greatest books I've ever read, and I've read "Cujo.
" Jake and I really bonded over "Skyfire.
" - Yeah.
- Watch this.
Favorite moment in the series? BOTH: The summoning of Balacastro.
- Second favorite? - BOTH: The Scarlet Feast! - Third favorite? - BOTH: When you thought Ka'lar had been swallowed by the Norolith, but had just switched armor with Samling the Betrayer in the battle of Vorcastle.
[LAUGHTER.]
Fourth favorite? Three was plenty.
So was zero.
Okay, I can see that you're skeptical, Rosa, but how about this: come with us on the case! I know you think it's dumb, but "Skyfire" is actually very smart and dark and adult.
It's not for nerds at all.
Ooh! On our way there, should we sing the elvish hunting song? [LAUGHS.]
BOTH: Sharpen your swords And string your bows The beasts have gone away [UPBEAT MUSIC.]
Whoa, look at this place! Ooh, they're selling moss wine.
I wonder if it's as gross as the books say it is.
I can never get into any of this crap.
I think the reason is because it's garbage.
Rosa, I think if you just gave it a chance, you would get hooked.
I mean, what is it that you do in your free time that's so cool? Fix up old cars and sell them to celebrities.
That's why I'm friends with Tom Hardy.
Right, so we agree that we're all equally cool.
Here we go.
This is Parlov's panel.
"Diversity in Fantasy Writing.
" Ooh, the line starts here.
[APPLAUSE.]
Real diverse diversity panel.
And, like, people always ask me, "Where do you get your ideas?" And honestly, Wikipedia.
I always try to pull from life.
Queen Tiffany, of course, was named after a lovely hostess that I met in Bonita Springs in Florida.
You know, I've always wanted to write a book myself, but all I know about is cops, and there are literally no more cop stories to tell.
Zero.
- I've actually been writing a novel.
- Wait, what? You're writing a book? When? For who? For me for fun.
Look, I'm not trying to be an author.
I don't even know how to go about doing that.
Parlov! You should show it to Parlov.
- He could probably get it published.
- No, that's crazy.
Like, I'm sure it's bad.
I don't want to be embarrassed.
Terry, you are a great husband, father, detective, painter, dancer, and you're so jacked you have muscles on your back.
Everyone has back muscles, Jake.
Nuh-huh, my back looks like the inside of a spoon.
The point is, you're great at everything.
You're probably great at writing, too.
I am not showing Parlov my book, okay? All right.
Here he comes.
Now just drop it.
Sorry, I hope that wasn't too tedious for you.
It was fascinating, especially to Terry.
- He's a writer, and he wrote a book.
- Would you read it? - BOTH: Dude! - Sure.
Love to, absolutely.
But listen, there's something I want you to see.
Come with me, guys, all right? - Jake! - What? Terry, you need to believe in yourself, like when Morzak answered the sorceress' riddle! She turned him into a tree, Jake.
Yeah, a tree that became the handle of Prominius' axe.
Parlov is so far away already.
Yeah, good call.
Let's go after him.
[KNOCKS AT DOOR.]
Hey.
The desk sergeant said we're hosting a forensic sciences course.
Yes, taught by Dr.
Ronald Yee.
He revolutionized the field of forensic entomology.
He is a rock star.
Oh, please.
Rock stars wish they were he.
The man can tell how long a corpse had been decomposing just by studying the maggots inside.
I'd like to see Barbra Streisand do that.
I'm not sure Barbra Streisand counts as a rock star, sir.
She sings in English.
That's rock music.
Well, it sounds interesting.
Can I sign up? [SIGHS.]
Yes, you can, but here's the thing: if we do well at this course, we receive board certification, which makes us eligible to receive a grant to open a field lab in the precinct, but Eh but whenever we have a speaker come in, you kind of tend to always derail these things with personal stories.
That's how I learn.
I relate course material to my experiences.
Subjective learning.
Millennials.
I know it's important, so I promise, I won't tell any stories, though sometimes they do come in handy.
One time, all the Boyles were in this fungus cavern, and this massive mushroom comes - Charles.
- I am so sorry.
I slipped right into it.
I'll be good.
This is my room, right over here.
Listen, I need just a moment to clean up.
I had a female visitor in earlier today dressed as Concubina.
She got smears of green body paint all over everything.
Everything.
He was talking about his penis.
- I know, Jake.
- He pulls, Rosa.
- He pulls.
That's all I'm saying.
- I can't believe you - told him about my book.
- I'm sorry, Terry, but now D.
C.
Parlov is going to read what you wrote! How cool is that? - He's pretty cool.
- Right? You haven't even told me what it's about yet.
Well, it's the story of a Gorgon warrior - Awesome.
- Who betrays his bloodline - How could he? - To marry a Cloud Princess - He did it for love.
- Even though - their families are at war.
- No! All right, no more spoilers.
Send it over to me, and I'm gonna stay up all night reading it.
- It's only 150 pages.
- I'm gonna stay up all the next three nights reading it.
Dr.
Yee will be here any minute, and we need to make a good impression.
If you need to cough Cough now.
[COUGHING OBNOXIOUSLY.]
My God, what if I hadn't said anything? Don't worry, I got this.
Nobody sucks up like a Boyle.
Our scoliosis allows us to bow more deeply than normal people.
Huh, here's an idea: Santiago and I will impress him with the depth of our forensic knowledge, and you can wow him with your stoic, silent demeanor.
No stories.
Understood? Stoic.
Ah.
Good morning, everyone.
Thank you for having me at the Nine-Nine.
Sorry I'm late.
Just had to deal with some family issues.
Cousins, right? Okay, before we get technical, let's talk a bit about the history of blood.
Does anyone here know any hemophiliacs? [WHISPERING.]
So many Now, they played a vital role in the development of modern forensics.
Them and leeches.
My cousin Torvald is a hemophiliac, and his wife is a leech farmer.
I say "wife," but it's a common-law marriage.
For the longest time, Boyle wedding ceremonies were not recognized in the state.
- - Well, here's the situation: somebody stole my laptop, which contained the unpublished manuscript of book 13 of "The Skyfire Cycle.
" The person left this note.
"We have your book.
"Pay us $500,000 in the next 24 hours "or we leak it online.
"The first five chapters are now up.
" They've been downloaded 85,000 times.
Well, we should probably go online and read those chapters in case there's some clues in there, and also maybe we'll find out Qwandor's true parentage? - Oh that's already been revealed.
- No, it hasn't.
[GASPS.]
BOTH: Unless the prophecy of Dorgon is indeed true! - But that would mean - You seem pretty calm for somebody - whose book was just stolen.
- Because I know who took it.
- Landon Lawson.
- He was on that panel.
He writes "The Shadowbringer Saga.
" It's garbage.
So why would Lawson want to steal your manuscript? We both have books coming out this fall, and we have a rather public bet about whose is going to sell better.
I believe he's leaking my manuscript online just to hurt my sales.
- You should arrest him.
- Well, we're not going to do anything until we've seen all the evidence.
If this book fails, that's the end of "Skyfire.
" Let's go take this son of a bitch down! Mr.
Lawson? NYPD.
Let me guess: you're here about the stolen manuscript? So you admit you did it? Well, that was easy.
What? No.
Someone stole my manuscript, and I know who it was: D.
C.
Parlov.
BOTH: By Zorton's Sword! It's the exact same note Parlov got.
I don't see why anybody would want to steal your book.
"The Skyfire Cycle" makes "The Shadowbringer Saga" look like "The BeastWorm Chronicles.
" You see, Rosa, "The BeastWorm Chronicles" are one of the more simplistic - Don't care.
- Yeah.
You know what? My books say something, okay? I was the only one brave enough to tackle elf molestation.
Guys, calm down.
You're both victims.
Now, do you have any enemies in common? Let me think about that.
Parlov is my enemy, but he's also his own enemy, because he's such a boring and repetitive writer.
He just keeps killing off characters, resurrecting them, and killing 'em off again.
Because of the Chrysalis Orb! Uh, sorry.
Police officer, on a case.
But we will need you to both generate actual lists of people that might want to hurt you.
We have 24 hours to figure this out, but if we don't, are you willing to pay the ransom? I'd do anything to get my book back.
I mean, you understand.
You're a writer.
Do you hear that, Terry? He called you a writer.
Terry, did you hear? Terry? Well, Terry's broken.
Write up those lists.
We're on the case.
- - Welcome back.
So today, I want to focus on facial reconstruction.
For over a century, we used plaster casts to help identify decomposed John and Jane Does.
We buried my Nana Boyle at the family farm, but because of the soil's high salt content, she turned into jerky.
Never mind.
- Please continue.
- Now, I need one person per group to have a plaster cast made of their head.
Uh, will he or she Be able to speak? Not while the plaster's on, no.
- I vote Charles.
- Charles.
I was gonna vote me, too.
I mean, I know the plaster can dry out your skin, but as a Boyle, I'm aggressively moist.
Oop, you gotta close that mouth, Boyle.
Shh-shh-shh-shh.
Keep still and quiet.
Have you been here all night? We traded off, and each slept a few hours right here in the break room, but we got a lead.
You know Miles Moorgil? He wrote "The Nocturine Quartet" novels.
Well, Moorgil is the only person on both Parlov and Lawson's lists of potential enemies.
Apparently, they each slept with his wife.
How do these guys do so well with women? Oh, I'm sorry they don't live up to your superficial standards of male beauty, Rosa.
I'm kidding.
It's because they're rich.
Moorgil's here for the conference.
We're gonna go confront him and get the laptops back.
Then, maybe, we can see if Parlov read my book yet.
Oh, well, I mean, it's been less than a day.
- Maybe don't get your hopes up.
- Don't worry.
I don't have any expectations.
- Good.
- I'm gonna be at my phone, just in case a publisher calls.
I mean, someone.
Yeah.
Whatever.
It's fine.
My hopes are up.
All right, buddy.
I couldn't sleep last night, so I started reading Terry's book, and it's terrible.
I made him show it to Parlov.
He's gonna be humiliated.
Relax.
How bad could it be? So bad, and I'm entertained by everything.
I once went to a play.
So what are you gonna do about Parlov? - I don't know.
- Don't know what? Uh, how to do Sex good.
How much should I be flapping my arms around? - Not much.
- Right.
Well, that settles that.
I knew that Amy was wrong.
[CHUCKLES.]
Anyways, let's get back on the case, right? Skyfire Cycle.
Okay, now that the plaster's dry, you'll see why we lubricated the subject's face with Vaseline first.
Oh, no, we forgot the lube.
Charles, can you hear us? What do we do? Doctor? Uh, what if someone No one in this room, mind you Forgot to lubricate before applying the plaster? Oh, one of my lab techs made that mistake once.
It becomes impossible to remove the mask without literally skinning the subject alive.
It takes five days for the plaster to slough off on its own.
And what became of the lab tech? Oh, I fired him.
It was an unacceptable level of incompetence.
Huh, what a satisfying conclusion to that story.
- Boyle! - [MUFFLED.]
Mm.
A mistake was made and we can't remove your mask yet.
We're gonna leave you in here Until after the class is over, because if Dr.
Yee sees you like this, we can kiss our certification good-bye.
[MUFFLED PROTEST.]
I'm sorry, Boyle, but Hitchcock and Scully will be here with you.
[MUFFLED SHOUTING.]
I don't know, Captain.
He seems pretty upset.
- Hold on.
- [MUFFLED.]
Mm! Look how happy he is now.
[MUFFLED GROANING.]
Yes, you're welcome, Boyle.
I don't understand.
Why do you think I would steal those laptops? Parlov and Lawson are your rivals.
You're jealous of their success.
And of course, you have a personal motive.
You hate them for sleeping with your wife.
- What? They slept with my wife? - And you didn't know.
[LAUGHS.]
Well, this is awkward.
We should probably just go.
- Jessica! - She's here.
- That's wonderful.
- Yes, sweets? Did you sleep with D.
C.
Parlov and Landon Lawson? - Uh - Why would you do that? You've ruined our marriage.
You've ruined it! You know, this seems like a conversation for just you two, so oop, here comes a child.
Mommy? Daddy? Are you getting divorced? Are they getting divorced? BOTH: Uh Oof.
Okay, that was a rough 70 minutes.
- Yeah, but - That kid looked exactly like Parlov? 100%.
BOTH: Oh Anyways, that was our last lead, so looks like we're back at the Nil Caverns.
- Did you just say the Nil Caverns? - Hm? - Like, from my book? - Uh, yep.
Mm-hmm, mm-hmm, mm-hmm, I did, because you told me about them when you were explaining the plot.
I didn't, but that's because I wanted the Nil Caverns to be a surprise.
Why didn't you tell me you read my book, Jake? - Uh - Oh, no.
- You hated it.
- What? Terry, no, I didn't hate it.
- I liked tons of parts.
- Name one.
Name one part you liked, Jake.
- The map? - I didn't draw that! It was a map of the Chesapeake Bay with the names slightly changed! [GASPS.]
Oh, my God.
You made me show Parlov.
You humiliated me in front of my hero! Sarge, I'm sorry.
Look, I didn't just like the map.
I also liked the spaces between the words! That's not helpful.
You guys got a million dollars together on 24 hours' notice? Yeah, I had to liquidate my Bitcoins.
Oh, really? I would've thought you'd be flushed with cash from the "Skyfire" TV series.
Oh, wait, that's right.
The CW passed.
How's the "Shadowbringer" film coming along? Howie Long still playing both twins? All right.
Let's go over the plan.
Okay, there's a potted tree on the east side of the lobby.
They said to leave the briefcase behind that.
If someone grabs it, Rosa, Peralta, and I will converge.
We'll be positioned around the room in disguise.
It's not gonna work.
I don't own a nerd costume.
Oh, but Rosa, you are already wearing one.
You naturally dress like the female bounty hunter in every steampunk novel.
Look.
All you need are welding goggles.
Damn it.
I have welding goggles in the car.
Shall we to battle? Mask on, mask on Mask, mask on Got your mask on, mask on Represent, yeah, gotta represent To solve that problem, we would use fluid dynamic analysis.
That is exactly right.
Well done.
Where's your friend? Shouldn't he be here for the plaster removal? Something came up, so he had to remove the mask, which came off quite easily, and run out.
It was urgent police business.
Bunch of kids are being held hostage, so he had to go deal with that.
Oh, well, if you need to leave to provide him with backup - No, it's a teachable moment.
- The children - can handle themselves.
- Captain Holt? Your husband's on the phone.
He wants to know how long you're going to kiss for tonight? Would you excuse us for one moment? Your husband didn't really call.
I wasn't sure what gay guys talk about on the phone.
How'd I do? Scully, what do you want? We were watching Charles, like you said, but both of us had to go to the bathroom really bad.
Ugh.
Where's Charles? - We have no idea.
- BOTH: What? - Terry, do you copy? - I copy.
- Seriously? You're still mad at me? - All I said was "I copy.
" Yeah, but you had a tone.
Just admit it.
- Let it go, Jake.
- No, he's right.
Terry had a tone.
- Terry had a big-time tone.
- Don't worry.
I bet he hasn't even read your book yet.
It's been two hours.
I'm almost at the front of this line.
I don't even know who I'm waiting to take a picture with.
"Bran Stark?" Pass.
Okay, he's just the three-eyed raven.
Here we go, here we go.
We got action.
He dresses just like you, Jake.
Is that someone popular? Yes, Rosa, it's Ka'lar.
17th of his name, sworn knight of the Queen's Crown, the Daybreaker, the rightful heir to All right.
You can just say "Ka'lar.
" Uh, then how will you know which Ka'lar I'm talking about? It's a very common name in "Skyfire.
" It's like their John.
He's going for the briefcase.
Okay, let's go.
Don't make your move until you're close to him.
There's too many civilians.
[TENSE MUSIC.]
Wait, why are there so many Ka'lars? Costume contest just ended.
That's why he waited until now to pick up the money.
I lost him.
Which one is it? It's the one headed toward the service elevator.
Hey! Freeze! NYPD.
Let me see your hands.
What's going on? Doesn't have the briefcase.
I got the wrong Ka'lar.
- I have eyes on him.
- Take him down! [GRUNTS.]
Wrong Ka'lar Boyle's not in the interrogation room.
He couldn't have gotten far.
He can't see.
You can go a long way on muscle memory alone.
One time, I sleepwalked - to the M&M's store in Times Square.
- [LOUD BANGING.]
Oh, oh! Stairwell.
- Oh, God, oh, God, oh, God.
- I'm okay.
It's okay.
[SCREAMS.]
Sorry, stranger.
I just can't see anything at all, and it's really scary being touched.
- Are you okay? - Yes.
Just return me to the 99th precinct.
Boyle, it's us.
Where were you going? Why would you leave that windowless supply closet we locked you in? Ah, yes, hearing it, I understand why.
I was trying to get to the locker room to steam the mask off in the shower so you guys could still get certified.
Wait.
You were trying to help us? Even though you'll be stuck in this mask for five days? Five days? Well, I know how important the course was to you.
It's not.
- Not anymore.
- [SCREAMS.]
I'm so sorry.
I just cannot see at all.
I can't believe it! Now I'm out $1/2 million! What am I supposed to do now? Write another "Compendium of Beasts"? Do you have any idea how hard it is to find enough interns to slap that crap together? God! Don't worry about him.
At least we got to stop that thief from releasing any more chapters.
All we're out is some money, plus I've got insurance, so I'm going to get it all back.
By the way, Detective Jeffords, while we were waiting, I had an opportunity to read your manuscript.
Oh, don't worry about that.
It's a work in progress.
Has a lot of changes I No, no, no, it was great.
Truly.
Fantastic.
I mean, it was so fresh, you know? It had a really unique point of view.
I sent it on to my publishers.
Thank you for allowing me to read it.
And I want to thank you all for your hard, hard work on this case.
Appreciate it.
[BREATHING EXCITEDLY.]
Ooh, did you hear that? He loved it.
D.
C.
Parlov loved my writing! You were wrong! And being wrong never felt so right.
Oh, that sounded cool.
Did I just make up a hit song? Being wrong never felt so right With the Addams Family staying up all night Yep, I was right.
It's a hit.
I gotta go call Sharon! All righty.
Well, congratulations, Sarge! And don't forget about us when you become a famous author.
Terry's writing sucks.
Parlov is lying to him.
- What? Why? - I don't know.
He's buttering him up because Lawson and Parlov stole their own books! Well, they stole their own books It's plain to see But who's on the case The Addams Family Terry is Gomez, I'm Cousin It You are Wednesday, let's do this Okay, we should go.
Why do you think these guys are in it together? They hate each other.
They spent an hour arguing over the name of the dragon in "The Hobbit.
" - "Smog.
" - "Smowg.
" - Smog! - Smowg! - [YELLING.]
Smog! - [YELLING.]
Smowg! It's "Smowg," by the way Point Lawson but yes, they're mortal enemies, which is why they think we'll never suspect them of being in cahoots.
Oh, but they cahooted, Rosa.
They cahooted all over us.
Gross.
Why'd they leak their chapters? To get people excited, like when Carly Rae Jepsen puts out an amazing single, and you have to wait six weeks for the album to come out.
She's great.
I'm not apologizing.
So Parlov contacted Terry because he knows Sarge is a super-fan and can be manipulated.
Yes, he's been giving Terry presents since last year.
And Terry's novel gave Parlov another chance to manipulate him.
Unless is it possible Parlov actually likes Sarge's writing? Read the first sentence.
- Yep, Parlov did it.
- Very much so.
Gah! Now I have to tell Sarge that his fantasy novel stinks.
This is the hardest part of being a cop.
Now, there are issues with RFLP testing, as there are with every technique, but Captain, I thought you said your friend removed his mask and left.
I forgot to lube up his face.
We failed to listen to the instructions.
That is incredibly careless.
I know, and it means we won't receive our certification, and I'm okay with that.
- Unless my honesty - No, it's off the table.
- And I'm okay with that.
- Well, anyway, RFLP testing was designed to localize genetic disorders, and it Ooh, my cousin Donna has a genetic disorder where her lips were made of cartilage, meaning her mouth is technically a beak.
I don't see how that pertains to anything No, let him talk.
I want to hear it.
Boyle, tell us about your cousin's beak.
Well, she runs marathons to raise money for other people afflicted with "bird-face.
" There are only two of them.
- They're her kids.
- Oh, Sarge! Funny seeing you here.
Oh, that reminds me.
I have to tell you something.
What was it? Out with it, Peralta.
Okay, fine.
Here it goes.
- I think that - Parlov hated my book.
He only said he liked it so I wouldn't figure out he and Lawson stole their own manuscripts.
- You figured it out.
- Well, I had a gut feeling, so I went digging.
I got a warrant for Parlov's browser history.
He searched "how to liquidate Bitcoins" three days before the laptops were stolen.
Man, I bet that browser history was a nightmare, huh? - Oh, you have no idea.
- Yeah.
Anyway, I questioned them, and they confessed.
I can't go to prison, okay? I know I seem tough, but I'm not.
- I went to Bennington.
- Ew.
I'm sorry Parlov didn't like your book.
And I didn't.
And also Rosa.
- Why did I add that? - No, it's okay.
At least I won't waste any more time trying to be a writer.
Wait, let me ask you a question.
Are you a better cop now than when you started? - Nope.
- Wasn't talking to you.
Yeah.
I look back at my old cases and I can't believe how long - it took me to figure things out.
- Yeah, but you worked on it, and you kept working, and now, 12 to 40 years later I don't have a good sense of your age You're a great cop who got a "gut feeling" and solved a huge case.
So you think I should keep writing? I mean, you might not become a huge famous author, but you'll get better, and if it makes you happy, it can't be that bad.
Sheryl Crow, she's great.
I won't apologize.
And who knows? Claire Essalgorn didn't start writing the first "Crimson Portal" novel until she was 60.
I started reading it because the character looks like me.
I kept reading it because it's so good! Rosa, you did get hooked, you big nerd! This heroine is my heroin.
Oh, such a dweebus.
I love it! Speaking of which, Parlov's laptop is in evidence.
Want to go read the new "Skyfire" book? Oh, I don't know.
I mean, he's such a bad guy.
Do we even like his books anymore? [CHUCKLES.]
BOTH: Sharpen your swords And string your bows