Childrens Hospital (2010) s05e08 Episode Script

Hey, Chet.
Oh, hey, Chief.
You know, I've been meaning to ask you, what do you do in your spare time? Oh, I like to build immersive Halloween mazes for the neighborhood kids.
Oh.
You know, according to Omni Magazine, it's only a matter of time before they shrink us down to microscopic size and we can perform surgery from the inside.
Owen, wake up and smell the program.
Everything's already been invented.
Maybe you're right.
Oh, God! Your hair! What the hell? Oh, God.
When did that happen? Oh, my new perm.
It's pretty powerful, right? No, no, no.
You do not get to do that.
I mean, why would a man do such a thing to his hair? I know.
It's arrogant.
Thank you.
What are we talking about? Owen's got a new look.
It's atrocious.
Wait till you see it.
Spoiler alert it's a perm.
Right, right, right.
Oh, because Owen's spoiled.
Like, he's a spoiled brat, and that's why he got a perm.
You don't know what "spoiler alert" means, do you? Of course I do.
I know all the current expressions, and I know how to use them, and I can communicate just like you guys.
Watch.
"Mm.
That's too much information on this.
" God, I hate Owen.
Let's punish him.
I have an idea, but it involves a staggering commitment of time and resources far out of proportion to the problem at hand.
I'm in! What's the idea? Weren't you telling me that Chet likes to design immersive Halloween mazes for neighborhood kids or something? Mm.
Hey, Glenn.
Glad I caught you.
Listen, I got this bilateral craniotomy this afternoon, and I'm like, "Don't go there.
" Will you do it for me? That's a tough procedure, Blake.
Well, yeah, but not for you.
I mean, you're the best.
Blake, I I I I can't lie anymore.
I'm not the best.
I'm not even the good.
Oh.
Oh, okay.
Uh, I'm I'm I'm listening to you.
You can tell that because I'm making eye contact with you and I'm nodding.
Blake, I'm gonna tell you a secret.
And I know I can trust you because you're probably not listening to me.
I'm a terrible surgeon.
That's the truth.
The real surgeon is Chilli, my pet mouse who lives underneath my yarmulke.
By pulling on my hair, he guides my hands.
Like the movie "Ratatouille"? That's right.
Exactly like that.
Exactly like the movie "Ratatouille.
" Glenn, that mouse is dead.
What? Oh, my God! Chilli! No! Spoiler alert? This kid's in bad shape.
We're gonna need to do something experimental.
Are you suggesting we try the prototype micro-miniaturization machine? We're gonna need a doctor to be our micronaut.
And it can't be me because of the high levels of cocaine in my system.
Excuse me.
If I heard you correctly, we have a machine that can shrink a man down and insert him into the human body? That's right.
Thanks to a grant from Omni Magazine.
Omni? They're the best.
With Omni, science fiction can become science fact.
I know this because I read it while on the toilet.
But we don't have a volunteer.
Oh! I know someone.
Who? He's 6'2" with the looks of a Greg Kinnear type, and his name is me Dr.
Owen Maestro.
Oh, my God! Your perm! Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Hey! What are you doing?! Get out of the car! Okay, I need to warn you.
This whole experience is gonna be very, very painful and very, very embarrassing.
- Are you ready? - Yes, I am.
In order for us to shrink you down and inject you into this little boy, we're gonna need to sandpaper your skin.
Why? Dead skin cells slow down the miniaturization process.
You read Omni, right? Of course.
Aah! Such intense pain! It's so embarrassing! It's just as you described! Next, you have to eat this entire stick of unsalted butter.
- All of it? - All of it! This is so great! I'm having such a good time with you right now.
Hey, are you on Google Plus? Once he finishes the unsalted butter, we will send him on an immersive journey through the "human body.
" Do you think he'll buy it? I've been building haunted houses in my basement for neighborhood kids every Halloween for the past three years.
I think I've picked up a few tricks along the way.
Chilli, you were you were a good mouse and an even better surgeon.
Take care of yourself, little buddy.
Blake, is there anything you'd like to say? That's what she said.
I need to head back and write my letter of resignation, so I'm not gonna go with you.
I want to I want to stay out here.
Why? I'm better off living in the woods, okay? I just don't fit in up there.
I don't know.
I mean What do you think? Oh.
That sounds about right.
I'll see you around.
In a few moments, we'll start the shrinking process.
Let's make history.
Step into the miniaturization pod.
Almost reminds me of a prop from an immersive Halloween maze.
Oh, are you into that sort of thing? Chet, calm down! Initiating miniaturization.
Mr.
Winslow, you're on.
Whoa.
Whoa! Uh-oh! Whoa! Whoa! Something's happening! I-I'm being shaken around a little bit.
Whoa! I-I-I think I'm being shrunk down! Aah! That feels like a very painful electric shock! Okay.
The miniaturization process is now complete.
We are now injecting you into the patient's bloodstream.
Ohh! Close the curtains! Oh, my God.
It's breathtaking.
I have made my way to the carotid artery.
I can actually hear the beating of the human heart.
I need to figure out what I'm gonna wear to the Nobel Prize ceremony.
Oh! I can't remember the last time I had this much fun.
You're really special.
- This is fun, yeah.
- Yeah.
Okay, my readings indicate that you're in a pure-air environment.
Owen, you can take off your helmet if you want to.
This is exactly what I always imagined the inside of a young boy would smell like.
Heads up, Owen.
The patient just took a sip of scalding hot tea.
Now! My perm! And my flesh! Why would the patient be drinking tea right now?! Chet! Uh, what's he doing? The patient has Draculas! I am terrified right now! Abort the procedure! Code red! Code red! Oh, dear.
Oh, God.
Oh, no.
Uh-oh.
Okay.
Just Okay.
Owen! Oh, God.
He's in stage-four cardiac arrest.
He needs to go to surgery, now! Prep the O.
R.
! I wantGlenn.
He's the best.
Glenn's the best.
"I, Dr.
Glenn Richie, hereby resign due to the fact that I have no ability to perform surgery.
" Glenn, there's an emergency! Chief will explain! Owen's had a heart attack! He's requested you! No, I won't do it.
I can't do it.
Yes, you can.
I was in the woods, and it all became clear to me.
Your mouse has been dead for weeks.
Look.
You're right.
Chilli has been dead for weeks.
- I wrote it down.
- You wrote it down.
I've been performing so many surgeries, I I must've forgotten to feed him.
Wait.
That means that I performed all those surgeries by myself.
Exactly.
Those skills were always in you.
You just need to learn to do it without the mouse.
Let's scrub up.
And we're closed.
You did it again, Glenn.
You are still very much our best surgeon.
Well, this time, I had a little help.
Ah-ah! Ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah.
Ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ahAh.
Not from my dead mouse but from a very live human being.
Blake, I'm proud to call you my friend.
And I have really enjoyed this day that you and I have had together, Cat.
I feel like you're pushing it just a tiny bit now.
Fair enough.
And I owe you all an apology.
It was wrong of me to get a new hairstyle.
Yeah.
And I totally understand how it was necessary for you guys to go to the lengths you did to show that to me.
Anything less than a totally immersive human body experience, I probably wouldn't have gotten the message.
Look, I've been making these things since 2010, so I think I have some idea of what I'm doing.
Blake, you want to join us at the noodle house tonight? Spoiler alert I'll be there.
What a perfect phrase for the situation.
Spoiler alert I'll be there.
I'll be there.
Hmm? I'll be there.
- What? - I'll be there.
I have to get out of this one thing.
If I can't, I will still try and make an appearance.
And now the news.
Big light in sky Scalding hot water on young And now a commercial.
Mm-mmm.
Oh, yeah, baby.
It's all about lo