Curb Your Enthusiasm s05e08 Episode Script

Well, thanks thanks for coming over.
- Ah, you know, please.
- You've been You look fantastic.
Look at you.
- Really?! - You never looked better in your life.
- Oh, thank you.
- You're a lucky man, you're a blessed man.
Well, you know, I took, uh I took care of myself.
I was never an alcoholic or a drug addict.
Never slept with a lot strange women.
Although I wanted to, they wouldn't You know I need a kidney, man.
Where am I gonna find someone who loves me enough just to give me a kidney? Come on, you took the test.
You're a match.
Are you gonna give me the kidney or not? - I'm struggling.
- Well, what's wrong with Louis Lewis? - I mean, he's he's in this - Oh, please.
Coma in the hospital.
How long can he go on? - And he's family.
- He's in a coma.
Comas are unpredictable for Christ's sake.
Who the hell fucking knows? Family.
Fuck family.
You know, and you know what's pissing me off? I'm so low on that list, that kidney transplant list.
It's so unfair.
Look at the Mick.
I mean, the Mick I love the guy, we were friends.
Mantle got his liver just like that - boom.
- Yeah.
Well, if you were a little bigger celebrity, you'd be on the top of the list too.
Jesus Christ.
By the way, that see that ball? That's the 500th home run - that the Mick hit.
- Really? Yeah, I'm leaving it it's in my will.
It's yours.
- No kidding.
- Yeah.
- It's worth about 20 grand.
- What? And you get the money too.
I'm giving you the bread and the ball.
Hey.
Hey, remember in camp, when you used to do the Mick do the Mick rounding the bases.
Yeah.
- That's Mickey's run.
Yep.
- Huh? - You look great.
- Mickey Mantle.
Yeah, that's Mantle.
- Well, I'm gonna take off.
- When are you coming back? - Yeah, I'll come back.
- Soon? Yeah.
And let me ask you a question: You like this sweater? - How's it look? - You know, if you're doing an Andy Williams summer show.
See, you still got your sense of humor.
- You still got it.
- I love you, Larry.
I really love you.
And if my cousin stays in that coma, I'm depending on you.
- Hi.
- Hi.
- I'm Lisa, his nurse.
- Oh, I'm Larry.
It was nice of him to give you his ball like that.
- The ball, yeah that's was very nice.
- It was very good.
- Yeah.
- Hey, I wanted to tell you, you know? We have a mutual acquaintance.
I know Jeff.
- You know Jeff? - I do.
Yeah yeah.
We actually dated a little bit.
- Really?! - Yeah, not too long.
But uh Wow.
So did you have a good time with him? Well, until things got, you know, intimate, it was fun.
You know, he's He's kind of a "slam, bam, thank you, ma'am" kind of guy, right? - No, not really at all.
- No? - Oh! - No.
No slamming, no bamming.
No thanking the ma'am.
He's was a little it was short lived, was the problem.
He was like that.
I mean, it was dark, but honest to God it was like that.
What, are you kidding? Uh, no, I'm not kidding.
- Jeff?! - Yeah, very small, very small.
- It was like a peanut.
That little - All right.
This is a very you know, way too much information here, okay? I thought you knew would've known that.
- How can I know such a thing? - I just would think that that's something that friends men would talk about.
- No, nobody ever talks about that.
- Really? - No.
- Sorry about that.
I don't even know what to say to you, but - I'll see you around.
- Yeah yeah.
- Yeah.
- Huh.
Comas are very unpredictable.
Could wake up in five seconds, five minutes, five years! You don't know.
You just don't know.
They're unpredictable.
- Oh! Didn't even tell you! - What? Ran into somebody you went out with.
- Oh.
- She's Lewis's nurse.
- Lisa Thompson? - Yeah.
You had a little uh - A little thing.
Yeah.
- A little thing with her, didn't you? - Yeah yeah yeah.
- Hmm - Didn't work out.
- Yeah.
She told me you had - uh - What? No no no.
- Big vagina?! - Gigantic vagina! - What?! - Biggest vagina known to man! - Huge! - You're kidding.
- Are you telling me the truth? - It's gigantic.
Gigantic So why is she going around making this accusation? Because maybe she's afraid that you'll find out she has a big vagina.
Why would would she even do that? - I don't even know.
- Nipping it in the bud? How dare she? I'll tell you what.
I bet you there's a ton of guys out there who've been labeled with "small penis.
" - I bet you 50% - It's the vagina, isn't it? - And it's the big vagina.
- Yeah.
Think of it biologically why should there be as many big vaginas as there are small penises, right? These big vagina ladies are getting away with murder.
Something should be done.
I don't know what can be done, but something should be done.
Either We're a hell of lot more discrete than they are, right? - They can't do this enough, can they? - Oh, they love it, they love it.
They love this thing.
Well, you know what? This is me from now on.
Yeah.
Hello, Doctor.
Oh.
Hi, Doctor.
- How's he doing? - You know how's he doing.
I'm on to you, Mr.
David.
- Excuse me.
- The frequent visits, the questions about organs, come on.
I'm not crazy.
I'm chief of staff here.
I know what's going on.
What's going on? I think you've been waiting for this man to die so you can get one of his organs, preferably his kidney, so you won't have to give up one, so that Mr.
Lewis can get it.
What kind of person would do something like that? I think you know what kind of person would do that, Mr.
David.
- A kind of person like me?! - Yes.
That's pretty good pretty good work.
- Thank you, thank you.
- He got me.
Good job, Doctor.
I think you got me.
I got ya.
By the way, my in-laws can't go skiing, so I've got an opening for you and Cheryl if you want it.
- Why would I go skiing? - Come on.
No, it's a big schlep.
Hey isn't that George Lopez? - He had a kidney transplant.
- Right.
Right right right right.
- Huh? - Get some inside information? - Hey, George.
- How're you doing? - Good.
How are you? - Good, brother.
- This is Jeff Greene, my manager.
- How are you? Hey, Jeff.
George Lopez.
- Pleasure.
- How's it going? Good.
Feel great, better than I have ever in my life.
- Really? - Yeah.
I had a kidney transplant.
My wife gave it to me.
Changed my whole life, man.
I mean, without it, I don't even know if I'd be alive, to tell you the truth.
You know, uh, Richard Lewis needs one.
- I didn't know that.
Poor Richard.
- Yeah, yeah.
Wow.
Well, he's got to go to his family or his friends.
Somebody's gotta step up.
- Oh, yeah yeah yeah yeah.
- Oh, yeah yeah yeah.
- That's true.
- Like a five-year waiting list.
So what do you think he should do? 'Cause he's on the bottom of the list.
Well, if you're the bottom of the list, you're fucked.
- Wow.
- But you know what? Like, I've heard that the guy who's the head of the kidney consortium - can be gotten to.
- Really? Mm-hmm.
Yeah, I mean, he really takes care of his friends.
Buddy up to him.
Kiss his ass.
Who knows? Probably move Richard up the list.
- Really? - Wow.
- All right, I got to get blood drawn.
- Thanks, George.
- Nice meeting you.
Take care, dude.
- Nice meeting you, George.
- Take care.
- Oh, hey, George.
What's his name? Ben Heineman.
- With an E or a Y? - With an E.
Hey, Mr.
Jones.
There's actually something else you could do for me too.
- Really? - It's unrelated to the adoption.
I need some information about a Ben Heineman.
"Ben Heineman.
" - He's head of the kidney consortium.
- Okay.
Anything you can find out about his guy would be fantastic - H-E-l-N-E-M-A-N.
- Yeah, I got it.
Well, "Heineman" could be spelled a couple different ways.
- Hi.
- Hey.
- Oh, this is my wife.
- I'm Cheryl.
This is Omar Jones, private investigator.
Oh, right.
He's working on the whole adoption thing.
- Right.
- I'm making some great headway also.
- Oh, fantastic.
- Okay, couple of weeks, you should know something very definitive.
- Great, okay.
- Enjoy your day.
- Thank you.
You too.
- Thank you.
- You're welcome.
- I, uh I got you something.
- Wow! New jacket? - It's nice, right? Yeah.
- Yes, I needed this.
- You're gonna need it when we go skiing - with Susie and Jeff.
- Skiing? Are you kidding? Come on, that's out.
I nixed that.
Look, you don't have to ski.
You can sit inside and enjoy the snow.
I'm not going up to that lodge.
Come on, man.
- Why? - Too much schlepping.
I'm not He left something.
What is this? "Edible Undies"? Oh, dear.
Okay, Big Yankee fan.
He's an orthodox Jew.
All right, what else you got? Drives a gold Cadillac.
License plate number Okay, thank you.
- Hey.
- Hey.
So Omar Jones - the private investigator? - Yeah? He got me information about the head of the kidney consortium.
- Guess what? - What? - He's an orthodox Jew.
- You're kidding.
No.
So what needs to be done here is that I need to somehow befriend this guy.
I need to get close to him quickly.
- Right? - Yeah.
How're you gonna do that? - If I could save his life or something.
- Uh-huh.
You know, like bad example, okay? Not this.
You know, you pushed him off a building.
- I push him off the building.
- And I saved him.
- And you would catch him.
- And I catch him.
- Yeah? - He would be indebted to me for life.
- Yeah.
- He would do anything I asked him, like put my friend on the top of the kidney list.
And at no point, he says to you, "Hey, what about the fat guy that just threw me off the roof?" That would never come up.
No.
I said it's bad version.
You know, bad version.
- Really bad version.
- But I need to save his life.
- Something like that.
- Yeah yeah.
Yeah yeah yeah yeah.
Well - this isn't bad.
- What? - That's it.
- The Cadillac? Gold the gold Cadillac.
See it? - Uh-huh.
- Go check the license.
Yeah, that's it.
Ready? Yeah, as ready as I'm gonna be.
Whenever you want, go ahead.
- This is crazy.
Let's go.
- All right.
- Oh.
- All right.
Look - It's like you didn't even hit it.
- Let's try it again.
You try it again.
I don't want whiplash.
No.
You do it.
- Keep a lookout.
- I'm keeping a lookout.
- Anybody coming? - No, we're fine.
Oh my God.
Here, come on.
Be careful.
Oh my God.
Are you all right? - Are you okay? - Yeah, I think I'm okay.
Holy shit, it's all over your glasses, your whole face.
Oh my God.
- Oh, there.
You did it.
- It worked.
Yes.
All right, good.
Let's get out of here.
Come on.
- Mr - Mr.
David? - Mr.
Heineman.
- How are you, sir? What a great great pleasure to meet you.
Well, it's nice to meet you.
- Sit down, please.
- Thank you.
- So? - I'm sorry I'm a little late, - uh, you know - It's not a big problem.
Yeah.
What a mitzvah it was for you to leave that note on my car.
Well, how could I do anything less that that? I'd have to be a sociopath to hit somebody's car and then, and then go away into the night as if nothing happened.
- Thank you, thank you.
- What happened, I was listening to Jewish radio and they were talking about Israel and I got so worked up I lost control of my car.
- May I offer you some lunch? - Please.
Morty, menus, please.
It's kosher, you know that.
Oh.
Let's see, wait a second.
Hello? No no no no no.
Uh, thank you, thank you for that invitation, but I cannot go to the baseball game on the Sabbath, I'm sorry.
It's impossible.
I'll take a rain check, however.
Ho ho ho ho, okay.
I'd love to go to the game, but not on the Sabbath.
The Yankees are playing and I would - I would kill to go down there.
- You're a Yankee fan.
Oh, I'm a Yankee fan I'm a huge Yankee fan.
- I love the Yankees.
- You love the Yankees?! There's so many times when the Yankees were playing in Anaheim that I've so much wanted to go to see it.
I even cheat by watching it on television.
I shouldn't do that.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa - Shh.
There are two things in my life that I love.
Besides family and my work - I love baseball.
Love baseball.
- Uh-huh.
especially Yankees.
I love to ski.
My yarmulke almost fell off, I'm so taken aback.
- What? - Skiing.
You said "skiing"? - Yeah.
I'm not that good, but I like - I'm not so good myself, - but I love it.
- You love it? Oh my favorite thing to do in life.
Isn't that a wonderful coincidence? - I have a little ski lodge.
- Really? Yes.
I would love to invite you - to go skiing - My goodness, what a wonderful gesture.
- Hello.
- Hello.
- Welcome back.
- So you know, I spoke to our mutual friend.
- Oh, good.
Did you say hello for me? - I did.
- Oh, great, thank you.
- I did say hello, and I couldn't help but mention the the whole kind of small penis thing.
It came out.
- Oh my gosh, was he upset? - Not at all, not at all.
- No.
- Really? In fact, he had a completely different take on it than you.
He said the problem didn't lie with his small penis, but rather with your big vagina.
- Is that what he did?! - Yeah.
- Big.
- This is my vagina? Huge.
Huge.
Are you kidding? I don't have a big vagina.
- You got the huge vagina.
- Oh, do I? - You're blaming the small penis, - Yeah you got the huge vagina.
It's not necessary.
I made a little you're the one that egged it Methinks the lady doth protest too much.
Hm.
This guy is the head of the whole kidney consortium.
I can get you to the top of the list.
I'm not kidding.
I got him eating out of my hand.
He's going skiing with me.
Holy shit.
That would be unbelievable! You know what would really cinch it? He's a Yankee fan big Mickey Mantle fan.
Let me give him the Mickey Mantle ball.
You're out of your fucking mind? You don't want it? - I'm nuts? - You don't want it anymore? Give that guy the Mickey Mantle ball, it's done, it's over.
All right, give it to him.
Give it to him.
- Hey.
- What? - Where's the ball? - I don't know.
What? Look, maybe it rolled off.
Look behind the picture.
- Is it there? - No.
- You're kidding me.
- No.
Jesus Christ.
Oh, Mickey.
Goddamn it! - Oh, shit.
- Who's been here? "Who's been here?" Lisa, the nurse, a couple of close friends and you.
It's no way my friends are gonna take anything, and her I see her leave with the same uniform.
She has no pockets.
I mean, if she, if she hid a ball in there, it would look like an elephant tumor.
Unless Oh, hey.
There was a Mickey Mantle ball, his 500th home run right over over there, and it's missing.
- Have you seen it? - No, I have not.
Hmm, it's kind of curious, given that nobody else has been in the house, save for a few friends.
Could a ball worth an excess of $20,000 just disappear into thin air? Wanna tell me what you're driving at? I'll tell you what I'm driving at.
I submit you took that baseball, stashed it in your unusually large vagina, and walked right on out of here! - Let me tell you something.
- Yeah? - This bread - Good bread, right? My second piece I'm surprised you're even letting me.
The bread and the croutons.
Hey, by the way, have you seen my cell phone? - No.
- No? - You can't find it? - No.
- No, it's gone.
- We'll look again when we get home.
Oh, remember? - You invited me to the ski lodge? - Yeah.
- I've changed my mind.
- Gonna go? - Really? - We I'd like to go.
- Great.
Oh that'll be great.
- You didn't tell me that.
We're gonna have a great time skiing, snowboarding maybe.
- I would love to try snowboarding.
- Yeah, I'm gonna try it.
- I'm gonna take a lesson.
- Yes, we'll take a lesson.
- That's good.
- That's fun.
You'll like that.
- Oh my gosh.
- I'm not gonna snowboard.
- That's okay.
- Oh, and I hope you don't mind, but, ahem I've also taken the liberty, with your permission, of inviting an orthodox Jew and his daughter.
Wait, what do you mean, an orthodox an orthodox Jew and his daughter? Where? To stay in the chalet with us? - Okay.
- The guy? - The guy, yeah.
- What guy? Okay, he's the head of the kidney consortium and I'm trying to get Richard Lewis moved up on the list.
Let's be realistic.
You're trying to get Lewis moved up on the list or you're trying to save your own kidney? - What's the difference? - Let's be clear on what it's about.
- I don't wanna give him my own kidney.
- I don't know if I want to spend a weekend with these people.
Forget the whole thing.
I don't want my kidney.
- You know what? You - He can have my kidney! I'll walk around with a dialysis machine.
That will be fine! - That's fine.
Don't worry about it.
- If you gotta do it, - you gotta do it.
It is okay.
Fine.
- Thank you.
Thank you.
We don't have a choice.
You invited them.
We don't have a choice, but it's a mitzvah.
You spend time with them.
I'm not going to hang out with them all day.
Unfortunately, that's not - the worst of the situation.
- What? She's a wonderful cook, isn't she? - My Susie? - My pleasure.
- Isn't she? Isn't she some cook? - How did you two meet? - Interesting, interesting.
- Uh, we met at a Hillel - mixer, a function.
- Oh, in college? Yes, a singles and he was there trying to pick up every girl imaginable.
- I was pretty swinging in those days.
- Yes.
I was in the band, okay? The girls were pretty interested, you know? With the guitar, they liked that.
- Not true, not true.
- Like a rock band? - Jewish folk music, Jewish folk songs.
- Folk, folk.
- Like what songs? - Um, "Gefilte Fish Blues" Um, "My Freaking Back is Killing Me and It's Making It Hard to Kvell" - Uh, what was the name of your band? - "The Hipsters.
" Yes, it was "The Hipsters.
" - "Larry David and The Hipsters.
" - Yeah.
And then, I left The Hipsters, - and I just became Larry David.
- Larry David.
And The Hipsters went out on their own.
- And they became quite successful.
- Yes.
But I wasn't attracted to him from the band.
- Honestly, I felt sorry for him.
- Why? That's was the It was an attraction out of pity 'cause I'm always the one to take in stray animals, you know, that's You remind me a little of my wife - Oh, how lovely.
- I'd like to meet her at some point.
Well, she's passed away a number of years ago.
- Six years.
- Six years? Difficult.
- Eh - Very.
So, anyway, enough about us.
- What do you do? - I'm the head of a foundation that finds kidneys for - needy recipients.
- Global.
A very, very dear friend of mine actually - Needs a kidney.
- Needs a kidneys and he's he's on the bottom of the list, Richard Lewis, - perhaps you heard? - Yes, I have.
- Wonderful comedian.
- Wears black all the time.
- Yes, yeah.
- I would give him my own kidney, if only we were a match, but unfortunately - that's alas, that is not the case.
- That's God's will.
Of course.
Excuse me? What the fuck? What are you doing?! - What do you think you're doing? - I'm not doing anything.
- What are you doing in bed with me? - My back hurts.
I don't give a shit.
Do you think I care about your back? You know how much I've done for you this weekend? - Get the fuck out of bed.
- It's cold.
Get the fuck out of bed! - What's that smell? - What? Eggs.
What?! Bacon?! What, are you crazy? You're making bacon?! - Why? - Why? - What? - Huh? People don't eat bacon.
What, are you nuts? It's not kosher.
People kosher, - you know what that is.
- Well, they don't have to eat it.
How did you do last night? I did fine.
How did you do? I missed you, honey.
I missed you too.
- Good morning.
- Good morning.
- Good morning.
- Uh, were these not the plates we ate the pot roast on last night? They are the same plates, but they've been washed.
I shouldn't be having dairy on these kind of plates.
You know, as you know, the dairy and the meat are on two separate plates.
That's a necessary rule of being kosher.
Where are the milchig plates? Where are they? - The milchig plates! - Where are they? The milchig plates well, they should be in the cabinet.
You were told about the milchig plates, were you not? Okay.
Well, I'm sorry about the uh That's fine, I have to bury the plate and we'll be done with it.
- You're gonna do what? - You have to bury the plate.
Why would you bury a plate? Why would you bury a plate? Tell her.
You have to bury the plate to purify it.
It has to go underground.
- Purify, you have to purify.
- I'm sure you have a whole set of china - in your backyard.
- You can't just wash it - and call it a day? - Uh, no we can't.
- I guess we'll starve tonight.
- No, no, you can't wash it and call it a day, no.
That's not how it works.
Do you wanna bury it as the man of the house? Nah, you bury.
You bury, you bury.
It's a little early for burying.
I don't like to bury before coffee.
- Do I smell bacon? - Bacon? - Well - No.
Oh, I was a little gassy.
I lit a match.
You are a guest in this house.
Larry, come on.
Larry.
Get off my skis.
- How about coming for one more run? - Oh, sweetheart, - I'm finished.
- Come on, we have time for one more.
- Whoa-ho.
Hey hey hey hey hey.
- Hey hey hey.
- New world record.
- Whoa.
- Hello, Ben.
- Hello - Hello, Rachel.
- Hi, Larry.
- Boy, that was hard.
- Huh? - How much fun is this? - I'm having a good time.
- Isn't this fun? - But I'm going home because I'm bushed.
- I'm gonna go for another run.
- Go go, sweetheart, go.
- All right.
- Why don't you go with her? - You got time for one more run.
- One more? - Go ahead.
- One more run.
Okay.
- I'm just gonna go back.
- No, there's time.
No no, we're losing time.
No no, it's fine.
I'm tired.
- One more run.
- One more.
We'll do one more.
Rachel, uh He'll keep you company.
Larry, incidentally, the thing we were discussing earlier.
I'm thinking about it, and I think I can actually help your friend.
I think I can move him up on the list.
I'm fainting.
I'm gonna faint.
- Well, don't do that.
- I'm going to faint.
It's a pleasure to do it for you.
I know where you're going When he dies right, right upstairs he's going.
Right upstairs.
- God bless you.
- You're taking an escalator up there.
God bless you.
Now you two kids go.
Go ski.
Rachel, come.
Come.
What do people have against whistlers? - Can you answer me this question? - I think it's annoying.
I think it's 'cause they don't like to see people happy.
And who can blame them? It's like a happy couple.
Is there anything more disgusting than that? You know what I find very interesting? I can't draw to save my life, but yet, I'm a very good doodler.
Don't you think that's ironic? It's somewhat ironic.
Hey, when we get back to the lodge, how about you and I having a doodling contest, huh? - What do you say? - I'm feeling nauseous right now.
Oh, you've gotta be kidding me.
- What's going on? - Don't worry.
It happens all the time.
Should only be a few minutes.
It's been 15 minutes already.
What's going on? Shkiyas Hachama.
That's what's going on.
- What? - Shkiyas Hachama.
Sundown.
I can't be here alone with you after sundown.
- Why not? - Because you're a man and I'm a single woman.
- So? - So it's not allowed.
- Who says so? - The Law, the Torah says so.
- Hashem says so.
- Hashem? - Do you know anything? - No, Hashem, I know.
Anyway, it's okay.
There's extenuating circumstances here.
No such thing as extenuating circumstances.
Well, you got another half hour.
- 5:41.
Shkiyas Hachama is at 5:41.
- All right.
- Well, that's a half hour.
- Fine.
They'll fix it.
Freezing! I'm hungry too.
- You hungry? - Yes, I'm very hungry.
What the heck is this? Hey! Edible underwear! I must the private investigator when I went unreal! They're not bad.
- How much time do we have left - Want some? - No, thank you.
- Take a bite.
- I'm fine.
- Take a bite.
Move that away from me.
Just tell me how much time we have left.
Well, I think you got about two minutes.
Somebody's gonna have to jump.
- Oh, stop.
- Stop what? I can't be here with you after sundown! There's no other way.
Somebody's gonna have to jump! You're gonna have to jump! Are you gonna jump? What, are you fucking nuts? What? What are you doing? - No.
- Hold my phone.
Are you crazy? Are you insane? - Yeah? - Hey, Richard.
It's me.
- Yeah, hi, Larry.
- Listen, what I told you earlier about the kidney? - Yeah, yeah.
- It's not gonna happen.
You're shitting me.
Why not?! Uh, I can't go into it right now, but trust me, it's just it's not gonna work out.
- Oh, shit.
- Hey, listen, did I leave my cell phone in your house? I, I, I don't know.
"Did you leave" Did Larry David leave his cell phone in the house? - No.
- No.
I'm gonna call my cell phone.
If you hear it ringing, - pick it up, okay? - Fine, fine.