Dad's Army (1968) s05e08 Episode Script

Who do you thInk you are kIddIng, Mr HItler If you thInk we're on the run? We are the boys who wIll stop your lIttle game We are the boys who wIll make you thInk agaIn 'Cause who do you thInk you are kIddIng, Mr HItler If you thInk old England's done? Mr Brown goes off to town on the 8.
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2 1 But he comes home each evenIng and he's ready wIth hIs gun So who do you thInk you are kIddIng, Mr HItler If you thInk old England's done? Haven't they arrived yet? No.
It's most unusual of Mr Mainwaring and Mr Wilson to be late.
The trouble is, my bus goes at 1 0 past and they won't hold it for you these days.
Well, you just go, Mr Godfrey.
I'll explain to Mr Mainwaring.
Oh, no, I couldn't do that.
He might be upset.
He won't be upset today.
I brought him four sausages.
And quarter of a pound of dripping.
It's not a lot, but it's the thought that counts, isn't it? (HUMMING) -PIKE: Mind the door.
-All right, all right.
Here we go.
Now be careful and don't bump it, Mr Mainwaring.
Don't be silly, Pike.
-Not as delicate as that.
-Don't make such a fuss, Frank.
Excuse me, Mr Mainwaring.
Mr Godfrey here would like permission to have.
Oh, no, no, not just now.
No, no, no.
Call the men on parade, Jones.
I've got something important to tell them.
-Yes, but if he doesn't go soon, it will be too late.
-Oh.
All right, tell him to go now and get back on parade as fast as he can.
You hang on for five minutes, Mr Godfrey, and if Mr Mainwaring hasn't finished with you, I'll get the verger to hold it for you.
Just look at this, Mr Mainwaring.
(IMITATING MACHINE GUN) Stop it, Pike.
I brought it in, I'll handle it first.
-Beautifully balanced.
-Oh, yes.
Of course, yes.
Devastating weapon in the right hands, I should think.
I should think even more devastating in the wrong hands.
(IMITATING MACHINE GUN) -Pike, will you stop that? -Sorry.
-Let's show it to the troops.
-Aye, sir.
-You bring the mags along.
-Yes.
Mr Mainwaring, please.
Let me take it, Mr Mainwaring.
Will you put it down? Pike! Fall in at once.
Can't you control that boy? He thinks it's a game.
All right, properly at ease, everyone.
Well, men, you've waited for it and here it is.
(ALL EXCLAIMING) Now this is probably the most sophisticated sidearm ever invented.
It fires 650 rounds of .
45 ammunition per minute.
The drum holds 50 rounds.
-You've got the drum, Wilson? -Yes, of course, sir.
-Well, hold it up.
-Oh.
Sergeant Wilson is holding up the drum.
The spring magazine, spring clip magazine, holds 20 rounds.
-Show it, Wilson.
-Yes, indeed, sir.
Here's the clip.
Excuse me, Mr Mainwaring, has that got a detachment for a bayonet? -No, I'm afraid it hasn't.
-Oh, what a pity.
You'd soon run out of bullets at 650 rounds a minute.
I mean, you'd only have to touch that trigger and.
Your magazine's empty.
Oh, I think it'll last a bit longer than that, don't you, Wilson? I think so, sir.
Just under two seconds, I would think, sir.
-Yes.
-I tell you what, Joe, we'll time it.
I'll say ''go'' and then I'll say ''stop''.
-Captain Mainwaring.
-Not just now, Godfrey.
Stand by.
Go! Stop! I ain't gonna need a bayonet, Mr Mainwaring.
Just a minute, Captain Mainwaring.
Yon drum holds 50 rounds.
It will go on longer.
Something like.
Thank you, Frazer.
Mr.
Captain Mainwaring, who's gonna have it first? And please may I? Certainly not.
-Excuse me, Captain.
-And not you either, Godfrey.
Let's take it in turns.
General McCully always said, ''Take it in turns.
'' General McCully? Who is he? Well, he wasn't very important, but he used to say, ''Take it in turns.
'' That's all I can remember of him really.
I know.
Let's have a whist drive, and the winner has the first go.
Certainly not.
I won't have the technical future of this unit decided by the draw of a card.
No, no, we shall draw lots for it.
I know you're disappointed, Godfrey, but I'm only trying to do the fair thing.
May I have three days' holiday? Now just fall back.
What did you say? I'd rather like three days' holiday.
Have you gone out of your mind? Hitler's across the Channel waiting to pounce.
We're in the frontline.
I wouldn't ask normally, but it's to do with this friend of mine.
I see.
-It's all a little involved.
-Yes, I'm quite sure it is.
Permission to interfere, sir? Mr Godfrey won't speak up for himself, sir, he's too much the gentleman.
But my lips are not sealed and I can reveal that at the bottom of all this there is a woman.
-Is that true, Godfrey? -Well, yes and no.
Yes and no? What sort of answer is that? -Well, it's a bit of each, isn't it? -Don't interfere, Walker I think we'd better go in the office, Godfrey.
-You too, Wilson.
-Aye, sir.
Mr Mainwaring? Please may I look after the Tommy gun? Please.
-Oh, very well.
-Thank you.
They also call it the Chicago Piano.
What did you say? The Chicago Piano.
Stupid boy.
Yon Godfrey has a queer, fey look.
More than likely he's a sexual maniac.
-Not now, Vicar.
-Oh, really! Wilson, you'd better take notes.
-Wilson.
-Sorry.
Of course I will, yes.
Now, Godfrey.
What are you doing here, Jones? Well, sir, it's like this, sir.
Mr Godfrey is a very retiring gentleman and he won't speak up for himself so I would like to speak for him.
Me being privy to his intimate details, to things what he told me in his continence.
That all right with you, Godfrey? -Well, I.
-Yes, thank you very much, Mr Godfrey.
Well, it's like this, sir.
Just before the beginning of the commencement of the Boer War, it all started.
Mr Godfrey here, he was a dandy young buck of some 20 summers.
I'm terribly sorry, but I didn't quite catch that.
-Dandy.
Dandy.
-Oh, I'm so sorry.
Anyway, he really fell for a beautiful, young lady who was in service in one of the great halls nearby.
-Are you listening, sir? -Yes, of course I'm listening.
Anyway, thems days wasn't like these days, sir.
If you was a young serving wench, you had to watch your station and mind your peas and onions.
You started up in the morning, until 8:30 at night, putting the cat out.
They gave you one Sunday a month off and they paid you three and six a week, less laundry.
But it was a good life.
Look, Jones, I can't sit here listening to all this rigmarole.
Yeah, I'm sorry, sir, I was transgressing.
Anyway, Mr Godfrey, not getting a chance to see her much, he was unable to plight his troth.
Which he would have done had he been given half a chance.
Him being a virile young man, as we all was in them days, me more than most.
-You're not in a hurry are you, sir? -Yes, I am.
Get to the point.
He wants three days' holiday.
That's the point.
I know that.
I think you'd better be quiet, Jones.
Let Godfrey speak for himself.
-He won't let me speak to him.
It's no good.
-Be quiet.
Jones, be quiet.
I'd rather like three days' holiday to help with the harvest.
To help with the harvest? Well, that's hardly a holiday, is it? -That's very important work, isn't it, Wilson? -Yes, it is, sir.
I'm terribly sorry, but I'm afraid I haven't got down half of what Corporal Jones said.
I shouldn't worry too much about that.
I don't think it had anything to do with it.
It did have something to do with it.
That young lady married a farmer and now she's a widow.
And it's her harvest that he wants to help with.
Her foreman's gone to hospital.
-Yeah, hernia.
-Hernia.
-Left side.
-Left side.
Never mind what side! And has she no other form of labour? Only three land girls.
I'd like to help because we've been rather close, but I'm afraid I've missed the bus.
Yeah.
Well.
Look here, how many acres does she farm? -There's 1 00 acres of wheat to be got in.
-A hundred? -Well, this is vital, Wilson! -Yes, of course, sir.
The country needs every grain of corn that it can possibly grow.
Now, we're gonna give this harvest top priority.
We'll call for volunteers and Jones can take us over there in his van.
There you are, you see? Now he needs me.
A few moments ago he was casting me off like an old acquaintance.
Jones, go and fall the men in.
-Very good.
-It's very kind of you, Captain Mainwaring.
Could I ring Mrs Prentice and tell her the good news? Yes, of course you may, Godfrey.
Carry on.
-Look here, Wilson.
-Yes, sir.
Get the nominal roll, tick off all the men.
Hey, lIttle hen When, when, when wIll you lay me an egg? my office is packed with people playing soldiers.
You settle yourself down there, your Reverence.
No one will disturb you there.
Thank you, Mr Yeatman.
Oh, for goodness' sake, Mr Yeatman, how can I.
Vicar, thank the Lord I found you.
I must talk to you.
Hello, Mr Hodges.
I hear you had rather a narrow escape last night.
Narrow escape? It was a miracle.
It landed right there beside me.
If it had gone off, I wouldn't be here to talk to you now.
A miracle indeed.
It knocked my pint of beer right clear out of my hand.
Look.
-It was a deliverance.
-More like a judgement.
-Go away, Mr Yeatman.
-Yes, sir.
I should have been killed.
I was spared.
Why me? Answer me that.
Why me? Why, why, why? I can't think.
I'm just a simple greengrocer.
Do you think he's saving me for some great purpose? Well, you never know.
All my life I've been rotten, but I'm gonna turn over a new leaf.
I'm gonna be kind to everyone.
I'm gonna love my enemies.
Not Hitler, of course.
I'm going to be good to Captain Mainwaring and help him in his struggle.
-'Cause he's a good man at heart, you know.
-Yes, I'm sure he is.
-From now on, I'm going to be right behind him.
-That's marvellous news.
Thank you for seeing me, Vicar.
I needed your guidance.
Only too glad to be of help.
-You've been a rock for me to cling to.
-Pleasure, I'm sure.
Hen, when, when, when wIll you try to supply one for me? All right, come along.
Stack all your stuff down there in that corner.
Hang on to your rifles, though.
Don't want to be surprised by the Nazis.
Don't you worry, Mr Mainwaring.
Don't you worry, I won't let them surprise us.
I'll fill them full of lead first.
Pike, will you stop that? How did that boy get hold of the weapon? Frazer was supposed to have first turn.
I know, sir, but I think Pike had some private arrangement.
-I won't have arrangements on active service.
-Right, sir.
Colonel? Colonel Mainwaring? It really is very kind of you, of all of you, to come and help me like this.
I'm afraid it's a bit rough and ready for you.
Don't you worry.
All we're concerned about is gathering in the harvest.
Yes.
Well, we've got a bit of a problem there.
Mr Yates of Grove Farm was going to thresh it for me, but his thresher's broke so he's all behind, you see.
Haven't you got one of your own? Yes, I've got one all right, but only my foreman knows how it works.
-The foreman? -Left side.
Yes, yes, all right.
I think we've got enough expertise in our ranks to get the wheels turning, don't you, Wilson? I don't know, sir.
Farming machinery can be awfully complicated.
Yes, I know, but Sponge is a farmer.
He ought to be able to fix it.
True, yes.
We'll win through, Mrs Prentice.
You can rely on us.
Thank you.
(HODGES CHANTING) -What on earth is he doing here? -Goodness knows.
HODGES: Lovely, absolutely lovely.
(MEN GROANING) WILSON: Go on home.
Captain Mainwaring, Walmington-on-Sea warden is here to help you.
-I think we can manage without him, don't you? -Yes.
Would you mind just clearing off? Don't send me away, Captain Mainwaring! Don't spurn me in England's hour of need! We'll stand shoulder to shoulder against the common foe.
Let them all come.
And you and I, Captain Mainwaring, together we'll shock them.
Does hedrink at all? I don't know.
I have really no idea, sir.
-Watch him.
He's up to something.
-Yes, of course.
Right, fall in, three ranks outside.
Come along.
Fall in, three ranks outside.
Do as the good Captain said.
Fall in, three ranks outside! Just a minute! I'm the one that does the bawling and shouting.
Oh! Very sorry, Corporal Jones.
I really didn't mean to hurt your feelings.
It's just that I want to help the good Captain.
That's a good man, you know.
Sir, you could be right.
He may well have been drinking.
Yeah.
Oh, thank you, Charles.
Aren't they lovely? I'm sorry about last Sunday, but my sister Dolly was under the weather.
Oh! Oh, poor old soul.
-She's three years younger than I am, you know.
-Is she? Sergeant Sally, Sergeant Sally Is comIng home on leave today Sergeant Sally, sweetheart of our alley We've mIssed her sInce she's been away What a welcome there'll be when she walks down the street WIth three strIpes on her arm We'll be so proud.
Blimey, what have we got here, then? -Platoon, halt.
-Wardens, halt! Fall out and gather round.
Right, fall out and gather round like the good Captain says.
I don't suppose this is as complicated as it looks.
-Sponge? -Yes, Captain Mainwaring? I want you to select as many men as you want and show them how this works.
-I don't know how it works.
-You don't know? -I thought you said he was a farmer.
-I'm sure he is, sir.
Yeah, a sheep farmer.
Sheep farmer.
They don't thresh sheep, Wilson.
Perhaps those land girls know.
-Well, ask them.
-Right, sir.
Excuse me.
Do you happen to know how this thing works? No, sorry.
-We've only been here three weeks.
-All right, never mind.
But may I say how charming you look in your uniform? -I really mean that.
-Thanks very much.
-You look absolutely lovely.
-All right, all right.
-Excuse me, Captain Mainwaring.
-Yes.
-I know how it works.
-Oh, good.
Well done, Jones.
Pay attention, everybody.
Jones knows how it works.
Excuse me, would you mind holding that, sir? I might want to use my hands.
JONES: Right! Now pay attention! There, that there over there, that is the engine and here, this complication here, this is the threshing thing.
-I'm not getting too technical for them, am I, sir? -Not yet, Corporal.
Right, you take a stook and you heave it up there.
Whoops! Right on the top.
Meanwhile, the engine, the engine over here, is just going.
(PUFFING) That belt is working working alongthe threshing here, which is going.
While it's going ''jibber, jibber, jibber'', inside here, the straw is all going mashing round, mashing round like that.
Meanwhile, that's causing over here another section.
It's this section here, like that, it's causing that movement.
Throws it up there, whoops-a-daisy, up over the end.
And in the meantime.
Meantime, all the grain which has been inside, has come wheedling.
Sorry about that, sir.
Has come wheedling through here and all the grain comes in the sacks.
Munge! Munge! And then it's all done.
Yes.
Well, I think we've got the gist of what Corporal Jones is saying.
Right, Jones, your section will be in charge of this operation and the rest of you get on with the reaping and gathering.
-HODGES: What shall I do, sir? -Just keep quiet.
Right, sir.
HODGES: Right, keep quiet, everybody, now.
Keep quiet for the good Captain! Now, I shall want somebody up on the top there to load the hopper from the cart.
Sir, I'd like to volunteer to be somebody up there to load the hopper from the cart.
Very well, Jones.
Pike, you go and help him.
Yeah, I'll keep 'em all covered.
(IMITATING MACHINE GUN) I usually superintend the grain going into the sacks.
Do you? Well, right, carry on.
Walker, you'll be in charge of stacking the straw.
Walker? Where's Walker? Walker? Walker? Did you call, sir? See that the straw is well stacked.
-See it's what? -Well stacked.
Yeah, her name's Judy.
-Come with me, Wilson.
-Right, sir.
We've got to get this machine going.
Would you know anything about that, Wilson? No, not really, sir.
I'm afraid not.
Mum says you can't even use a tin opener, don't she, Uncle Arthur? I don't think that's awfully funny, Frank.
MAINWARING: Probably true, though.
-I think I have an inkling, sir.
-Oh, good.
Well done, Frazer.
-Go to it.
-Right.
Captain Mainwaring! Captain Mainwaring! What can I do to help you in your good work, sir? Go and look after the horse.
Give it a handful of grass or something.
-Right away.
-What about me? -You better keep a tally on the loads of grain.
-All right.
Ah, Mrs Prentice.
Well, we'll soon have things running as smooth as a sewing machine.
-Right! Off you go, Frazer! -Aye, sir.
Hey! I've done it, sir! I've done it! It's going! Mr Mainwaring! It's going ''judder, judder, judder''.
-Start loading, Jones.
-Aye, sir! Well, I saved you from that, didn't I? Yeah.
Now I need saving from something else, huh? -You bet.
-Hey! Wilson.
Stop all that! Captain Mainwaring, nothing seems to be coming through yet.
Doesn't it? Load away, Jones! I'm loading as fast as I can, Mr Mainwaring.
Perhaps I've got some sort of constriction in my tubes.
I wouldn't have thought so.
Let's have a look.
No, it looks all right to me.
Mr Mainwaring, I'm sorry to bother you, but I think you ought to know Mr Jones has fallen in the hopper.
Good.
-What? -Yes.
Jones, Jones! (JONES HOWLING) -Frazer, stop the engine! -Eh? Oh, for goodness' sake.
Hey, hey! (WHISTLE TOOTING) Get him out! Jones! Jones, are you all right? (JONES GROANING) Mr Mainwaring, some of this straw has got buttons on.
Jones' trousers.
Get him out.
Mr Mainwaring, it went ''jidder judder'' and tore me trousers off.
-Are you all right? -I've lost that which I hold most dear.
Me pocketbook and discharge papers.
It's all right, Jonesy, I got it.
It's all right, Mr Mainwaring, he's only lost his trousers.
Get him out and let's get on with the harvest.
I can't get out in front of all those land ladies.
Take the trousers off that scarecrow.
-I've been through a terrible experience.
-Oh, get on with it, Jones.
He's not very sympathetic, is he, Pikey? All right, look lively, lads.
We're holding up the harvest.
Ooh! Ah! That's it! Well, that's it, men.
That's the lot.
Three cheers for the good Captain! -Hip hip! -Hooray! -Hip hip! -Hooray! -Hip hip! -Hooray! I've got a real nice harvest spread for you.
Homemade pasties and potato wine.
Hooray! And after that the vicar's coming over to bless the harvest.
(GRUMBLING) -Good afternoon, Mr Yeatman.
-Good afternoon, your Reverence.
(MEN SINGING) -This all looks very nice.
-Thank you, your Reverence.
-I thought the congregation could sit over here.
-Excellent.
-Where are the congregation? -Still celebrating.
Good heavens.
(MEN LAUGHING) MRS PRENTICE: Come along! -What on earth are they drinking? -Potato wine.
I only tried it once.
-Was it good? -I got very belligerent.
Oh, dear.
MRS PRENTICE: Come along, now, the vicar's waiting for you.
MAINWARING: Yes, go on outside, men.
You know, Mr Frazer, that potato wine is certainly ever so strong.
Show me the man that says it isn't.
Come along, my brave lads.
Go with a bit of decorium.
You're a good man, Captain Napoleon.
-You can't help being pompous.
-Thank you very.
FRAZER: I don't remember.
JONES: Pull yourselves together.
-My, they have had a lot.
-Hope they'll be all right.
I haven't touched it since that night.
Hymn 482.
Come, ye thankful people, come.
Raise the song of harvest home.
All is safely gathered in ere the winter storms begin.
(ORGAN PLAYING) (MEN SINGING) Who are you shoving? You staggered against me.
You can't hold your liquor.
Don't you talk to me like that, you drunken old snob.
Don't shove.
All right, all right, Frazer.
I can look after myself.
-Don't you start anything! -Just clear off, will you? WALKER: Don't you push that old man.
# temple come Raise the song of harvest.
Keep playing.
Don't push the organist! PIKE: Reach for the sky!