Daria s05e08 Episode Script

So this new Fashionvision series, "Behind the Untold Story of The Supermodels," reveals what the supermodels' lives were like when they were just plain models.
Thai peanut sauce a-la Jake is complete-o! Who wants the first bite? You pick, mom.
It'll be like Sophie's Choice.
This is a whole different recipe than the last batch.
I hope so.
It took three days to get the smell out of the house.
Experiment with a little wasabi and the whole world's a critic.
Dammit, Helen, you can't make an omelet without breaking a few eggs! Can I have an omelet? No.
How about some eggs to break? Anyway, the were just about to show Veronique's make-up bag from high school when that delivery guy rang the door bell with Daria's package.
What is with those brown uniforms? Um, this package? Did it run away by it self or hop a lonesome freight train west? It's in the living room somewhere Now I'm never going to find out what was in that make-up bag.
Come on, why isn't anyone digging in? It's M'm-M'm good! EWWW! Dad's sick! I'll heat up some lasagna, while you throw that out.
Damn foreign language cookbooks! And not in the sink! I don't want it eating through the pipes.
What is that? My people call them books.
Huh.
A first edition.
Tom must have found it on the web.
Oh, how sweet! He bought you a used book? What kind of boyfriend is he? A boyfriend who cares enough to know what's important to Daria.
Now I'm sick.
Well, lots of guys care about me.
I don't know why anyone would settle for just one.
Quinn, it's a special thing to find someone so compatible that you want to see them exclusively.
Having a steady boyfriend takes maturity and perspective.
I'm mature! And you have the teddy-bear earrings to prove it.
You know, Daria, dad and I really haven't had the chance to really get to know Tom.
Why don't you invite him over for dinner? Because I haven't taken complete leave of my senses.
Can I bring a boyfriend too? If and when you have a steady boyfriend, Quinn, we'd love to have him for dinner.
Do we have to dip him in that peanut sauce before we eat him? Hey! What night is good for Tom to come over? Hmm.
Any time after Armageddon is fine.
I slave over a hot stove all day, and for what? It's to keep him off the streets, right? Maybe if I used less chili oil.
Hey!! Damn skate punks are tearing up the streets! Today it's trash cans, tomorrow, mail boxes! And then You won't get my shrubs! Do ya hear me? You won't get my shrubs!! So your mother actually go around to inviting Tom over for dinner.
I know.
Some workaholic.
Relax.
Get your father started on military school and the evening will be over before it begins.
That's what I'm afraid of.
What, that he'll embarrass you? That's what parents are for.
It's more that he'll provide Tom with a festive night of subtle mockery.
My dad deserves better than that Sort of.
Well, I don't think you're giving Tom enough credit.
He never once said an unkind work to my parents.
He never met your parents.
Oh, yeah.
I don't suppose you could get your father to go off to Greece for six months to sketch the sunset.
Maybe you're right.
Maybe dad'll be relatively calm and Tom will bite his tongue and a good time will be had by all.
You're gonna "forget" to tell Tom about this and hope the whole thing goes away.
I've already forgotten.
Quinn has requested this emergency meeting of the Fashion Club to make this very important announcement.
I knew camouflage would come back, I knew it! It's not camouflage, Stacy.
I've, um, decided to get a steady boyfriend.
Quinn, if this is you're idea of a joke, perhaps you should look up the word 'huh?' in the dictionary.
Sandi, I'm serious.
It's a special thing to find someone so exclusive that you want to see them compatibly.
You mean you're only going to date one guy from now on? And not any other guys? Quinn, think of what you'll be missing.
All the gifts and cash prizes! On second thought, I think it's an excellent idea.
Um, me too! Good idea.
Who's the lucky guy? Gee, I haven't thought about that.
Well, this is a very important decision Quinn, not one to be taken lightly.
How about Craig? His parents put in a pool.
But he just got that bad haircut.
Ew.
Oh, right.
Hmm.
Mark would look really good with you.
But he's color blind! He could pick out the wrong scarf for me or something.
I know, let's make a list of qualifications.
You know, Like he has to be at least three inches taller than you and drive a car with a leather interior.
No moles.
That's a great idea.
You guys are so caring.
That's our job, Quinn.
To care.
And you're job is to pick a boyfriend before the weekend so we can confirm our schedules.
Uh, I guess I'd better get to work.
Gee, maybe we all should get boyfriends.
Why would we do that? With Quinn gone, there'll be more guys for the rest of us.
Sandi helped me break my list into three categories: looks, popularity, and how well his hair matches my clothes.
You know, Quinn, looks and popularity aren't really what's important in a relationship.
Than what is? The ability to fix major appliances.
Mmm.
Yes, I can see that.
What's really important is that you find someone that you enjoy being with.
You mean like how I enjoyed Kyle taking me to Le Yeast last night.
I mean someone you can get along with for more than one evening.
Who can share your hopes and dreams, your trials and disappointments.
Someone you look forward to seeing day after day, week after week, month after month, year after year, the same old complaints about his uncaring father.
God is he ever going to get over.
Mo-oommmm! That's so boring! Uh, not at all! That's compatibality! I think I'll finish this upstairs.
Moving on to compatibility, what color jacket would you ware to match my mauve sandals? Um, leather? Can you fix major appliances? I set the clock on my VCR once.
If I were stranded on a deserted island, what is the one item you'd bring me? A boat! With flares, and life boats, and the Coast Guard, and and the Navy! Wrong wrong wrong! The correct answer is 'sunscreen!' Wow.
Ten interviews in ten minutes.
She really should consider a career in broadcast journalism.
Tonight, on Sixty Seconds.
Damn you kids! I'm going to set up one of those hidden surveillance cameras!! Probably shouldn't have yelled that last part out.
You're no kid, dammit! Andy has the best shoulders, but Peter has a better jaw line.
Uh huh.
I agree.
Quinn, the weekend is almost upon us and you have yet to choose your boyfriend.
Sandi, I know! I'm trying as hard as I can, but I just can't decide because what if the one I think is the right one turns out to be the wrong one and the wrong is the right one and what are the right ones? This is the hardest and most important decision you'll ever have to make.
I know! Stacy, do you still have that magic eight-ball? Um Hey, Quinn! Did you pick a boyfriend yet? Is it one of us? Like, for instance, me? Well, uh Come on, Quinn.
Don't keep your future boyfriend waiting.
Okay okay, I've decided that my boyfriend will be Eene meeny miney mo, catch a boyfriend by the toe, my mother said to pick this one.
Jamie! All right! Aww! Hey, guys! Quinn.
Quinn! There goes your boyfriend! So? So, he's your boyfriend! Run to him, Quinn! Oh, yeah! Hey! Jamie, you idiot! Okay, let's divide up all the guys at school.
I've devised a draft system similar to that used by the WNBA.
Daria, let's pick a night for Tom to come over.
How's Friday? Sorry, no good.
It's the day after Thursday.
Well, how about Saturday, then? I'll be gearing up for Sunday.
Daria, is there some reason you don't want to invite Tom over? Damn squirrels are nothing but rats with fluffy tails! Well, to catch a rat, you've got to think like a rat! Where's the cheese! Mom, dad, it's official.
Jamie is my new boyfriend.
Therefore I will no longer be accepting unsolicited calls from other boys.
Gimmie cheese! I want cheese! Um, dad? What about you're heart and whatnot? I don't have a heart! I'm a fluffy rat! Daria Hello? Really? Suing UNICEF? Eric, is that a good move, public relations-wise? Well, yes, it is a lot of pennies.
It was a very difficult decision I mean, picking Jamie for my boyfriend Much contemplation was involved.
If he's your boyfriend, how come you're not with him? You should be together all the time.
That's what girlfriends do, you know.
What? You're not always with Tom.
But we don't go to the same school.
If we did, we'd be together before school, after school, in between meals and after snacks.
And then on the phone all night.
But In fact, you should be with Jamie right now.
Unless you want to cause problems this early in the relationship.
A girlfriend's work is never done.
Well, if we're gonna sue the bastards, I say get 'em right after Halloween when they're flush.
I'll call you back.
Aahh! DAMMIT! GAAHHHH!! You're worried about your father's behavior.
Look, I understand him Really? but he might be a little off-putting to someone who's not, um, blood related.
They might not appreciate his, um, energetic reactions to certain stimuli.
Stimuli? What stimuli? Oh, you know.
Everything.
Daria, I'll make you a deal.
I'll have a talk with your father about his conduct.
You call Tom about dinner.
What do you say? Didn't our deals used to involve cash? Now, according to Waif, the most important part of communicating is listening.
Yeah, nobody ever listens to when I Oh look! A quiz on what your eye shadow says about you! My favorite shade is a, blue; b, umber Stacy says those hippie people in the sixties didn't even ware eye shadow! I mean what's that about? I said, what's that about? Um, I know? Cream shadows can get stuck in creases not that I have any creases, but I've seen it happen to other people.
Do you prefer the glitzy look of creams or the ore natural look of pressed powders? What do you think? Jamie? Jamie, you're not listening to me! Of course I am! Um, creases suck! You haven't been listening! You don't even care what kind of eye shadow I ware! I'm sorry! Forget it! It's over.
Quinn! Come back! I've got you now, fluff-rat! Oh! Mr.
Whiskers! What are you doing in there, you silly kitty? You should be next door in your cozy warm Gah!! DAMMIT!! Meet the fly fishing pathologist who uses human organs as bait! 'A Liver Run's Through It,' next on Sick, Sad World! If Jamie calls, I'm not speaking to him.
How about if he doesn't? My new boyfriend is Joey, so put him through immediately.
Hey, shouldn't you be watching your new boyfriend at football practice right now? It's too humid.
My hair might frizz.
Brittany's there, supporting Kevin.
She's got hair.
She's a cheerleader, she has to go.
I'm not a cheerleader and I go to all of Tom's luge races.
I guess you're just one of those unsupportive girlfriends.
Maybe they'll have some frizz-proof conditioner at the drugstore.
Jake, dear.
I want to talk to you about Sunday night.
Tom's coming over and it would mean a lot to Daria if we were both on out best behavior.
The cheese didn't work.
Do squirrels like salami? Jake, this is important! I want you to give this squirrel hunt a rest while Tom is here.
Oh, um, sure! you can count on old Jakey! Thank you, honey.
Besides, by the time Tom gets here, I'll be wearing a squirrel skin cap on my head and doing a victory jig! I wonder if he'd go for bacon bits? I really miss you too, Stacy! It's so hard to see your friends and go shopping and stuff when you're forced to be with when you have a boyfriend! Of course, commitment is very important to me.
Hello, Bellevue? Sandi's been dating Kyle? But I thought Kyle liked me? I know, I know, boyfriend blah blah blah.
So, what are you guys doing tonight? The usual, cast a few spells then a quick broomstick ride before bed.
But I love Guys 2 Guys! I can't believe Joey's not taking me to that concert! There he is, got to go! Hi, Quinn! Um, change of plans.
You're taking me to the Guys 2 Guys concert.
But you said that you wanted to go to Margé La Cuisine! Tonight's their open Forget what I said.
I want to go to the concert! But Quinn, it's sold out! Fine! If you won't take me, then you obviously don't care! You're one of those unsupportive boyfriends! But Quinn Forget it! It's too late! It's over! But Quinn, wait! Wow.
A whole day.
At least you'll have the memories.
I give up! This boyfriend stuff is too time consuming.
Daria, I, um, spoke to your father.
We're all set for Sunday night.
And Quinn! Why don't you invite your boyfriend, too! Um, my boyfriend? Why not? I think it's great that you're in a steady relationship.
It shows a lot of personal growth.
Uh, okay, I'll invite him.
As soon as I figure out who he is.
Just keep telling yourself that someday you'll look back on tonight and laugh.
Isn't that what they said to Lincoln? Tom, I Daria, I don't mind.
Really.
It'll be interesting getting to know your folks.
Speaking of interesting, my father can be a little eccentric.
So I've heard.
From who?! You! Oh, yeah.
I know that you wouldn't intentionally say anything to upset him, it's just that he's kind of, um sensitive.
So, no bright lights or loud noises? Tom.
Don't worry.
I want him to like me too, you know.
Ahem.
Excuse me.
My new serious boyfriend, Jeffy, will be here any minute, and I'd like it if you two didn't do anything to embarrass me.
I guess the bear suits are out.
How long have you and Jeffy been a couple? It's not the quantity of the time, it's the quality.
You'll make a great neglectful mother one day.
Speaking of serious, thanks for getting us those adjoining cemetery plots.
Now I know you care.
Oh! My pleasure.
That's gross! No that's commitment.
Right, Snookles? Oh, you! 'Snookles?' Hi Jeffy! I mean, uh, Jeffy-lube.
Um, hey Quinn.
I need to talk to you about our cemetery plots, but not now.
We're so glad that you two could come over.
Thanks for inviting us, Mrs.
Morgendorffer.
Um, yeah.
No problem-o.
It's great to have some men around the house.
This place could do with a little scratching and sweating now and then.
Right, guys? So, what's new, Mr.
Morgendorffer? Not too much, Tom my man.
Not too much.
Except there's this squirrel.
He's been terrorizing the neighborhood.
Digging up yards and knocking over trash can's with a single flip of his tail.
Jake, remember what I said.
But he asked! I'm with you, Mr.
Morgendorffer.
Some squirrels got into our cellar last winter and ate up all the wheat thins.
Tom! What? They did.
Jeffy! What are your favorite subjects in school? I caught a squirrel once! Jeffy! You did! How? They really like peanut butter! Peanut butter! Yeah! I bet Thai Peanut sauce would work great! And I whipped up a new batch just last night! Jake, you didn't! I smelled something at breakfast, but I just thought a neighbor had died.
Jake, you promised you'd Hello? Eric? This is a bad time, I'm in the middle of a family Yes, of course I knew UNICEF's a charity.
No, it's Uniroyal that makes the tires.
Hey Jeffy.
do you think you could help me set up the trap? Sure! Jeffy! What's more important? Our commitment to compatible exclusivity or some stupid squirrel? Look, there it is! Let's go! Tom? Jeffy! I guess that answers the "what's more important" question.
Well, things have turned out even more ridiculous than AUGH! I can't believe that Jeffy just deserted me like that! I'll never have a boyfriend! I'll never be in a relationship like you and Tom! I'm a complete failure! Hmm.
Do I do the sisterly thing and console her? Oh look.
Rolls.
All right, Eric, you keep working on the apology.
I'll draft a list of children's charities we haven't sued.
Bye! Oh my.
Where is everyone? Dad, Tom, and Jeffy are outside trying to catch a squirrel, and Quinn's in her room crying.
Why? What happened? Male bonding, I guess.
I mean with Quinn.
Oh.
She said something about failing at relationships.
What? Just because Jeffy joined your father on some ridiculous squirrel chase, she thinks her relationship is over? Well, she might have had slightly unrealistic expectations about what having a boyfriend entails.
Uh-huh.
And just what would some of these expectations be? You know, being together twenty-four hours a day, hanging on each other's every word, his-and-hers cemetery plots.
Daria, how could you mislead your sister like that!? Mother.
How could I not? And what about me? I finally get up the nerve to invite Tom for a family dinner and everyone leaves me, confirming my deepest fears about abandonment and isolation.
Oh look, shoestring potatoes.
Quinn, Daria said you were upset.
Of course I'm upset! I tried and I tried to get this boyfriend thing right and I just couldn't! I don't know who I'm gonna be buried with! My whole life has been a lie.
Maybe you're not ready for a steady boyfriend just yet.
Okay! I admit you were right! I'm not mature enough to have a boyfriend.
Me?? I never said you weren't mature enough for a boyfriend! But you said Daria was really mature to be in a relationship, so if I'm not in a relationship that makes me un-mature Or "im?" Quinn, having a boyfriend doesn't make you any more or less grown up.
What's important is to do what makes you happy.
Dating Tom exclusively makes Daria happy.
If dating a lot of different boys makes you happy, than that's what you should do.
So, it's alright not to have a steady boyfriend? Of course it's all right.
Okay! I'm going to go dump Jeffy now! Whoomp, there it is! Whoomp, there it is! Whoomp, there it is! Whoomp, there it is! I love this song! Think we're far enough out of town, fellas? Let's give it a shot.
Bye, little fella.
It was nothing personal.
Boy, this would be a great place to play paint-ball.
Or go camping.
Or build a fort! Hey, my dad used to take us to a go-kart track right down the road from here! No way! All right! Where is everyone? Apparently it takes three people to return a squirrel to it's natural habitat.
Tom went too? I guess part of me always knew that someday he'd return to the wild.
Daria, do you ever think that maybe guys and girls aren't meant to understand each other? Like it's all part of some big unfunny joke on us that we'll be struggling with for the rest of our lives? Oh look, celery stalks.
You're mine now, Mr.
Morgendorffer! Say your prayers, Jeffy-lube! Yahoo! Yeah! Written by Ron Corcillo and A.
J.
Poulin (Transcript created by Greystar)