F is For Family (2015) s05e08 Episode Script

Mr. Thunder Junior?
Frank Murphy, from Ala-Hican.
Glad to know you, Frank.
I'd shake your hand,
but the bones in my wrist are dust.
Okay.
So, the 747 flies in
from Syracuse first thing tomorrow.
As soon as it's fumigated,
we're going to put it
Oh, let me guess, between the ramps?
Look, just set that fucking pig down,
and I'll give you a shit show
this fuck town will never forget.
Understood?
Loud and clear.
Well, if that's all,
I better get back home and go see
Oh, this evening ain't over
by a damn sight.
I don't like to drink alone.
I do it all the time, but I don't like it.
This is my favorite kind of beer,
in my hand.
Frank, you're barely binge-drinking.
Something wrong?
Ah, nothing. I'm fine.
Come on. Lean on me, brother.
Well we just passed
the hospital where my father died.
To be honest, I went through
a real rough spot after that.
I was a fucking mess.
Getting you to do this jump
is gonna get me a big bonus.
I think that that's what my dad
was trying to tell me when he died.
That work gives your life value.
You think that could be true?
I'm sorry, did you say something?
I can't hear out of my right ear.
I was saying my dad died!
Feeling low, huh?
Well, I only know one way
to take them blues away, partner.
- What are you doing?
- You got to let that shit go, Frank!
All right, the shit has been let go!
Shit has been let go!
No more blues! No more blues!
Yeehaw!
Shit!
Yeah!
Dinner and a hat.
It's Christmas in July in December!
Come and get your love ♪
Come and get your love ♪
Come and get your love ♪
Come and get your love ♪
Come and get your love
Come and get your love ♪
Come and get your love now ♪
Come and get your love
Come and get your love ♪
Come and get your love now ♪
Come and get your love
Come and get your love ♪
Come and get your love now ♪
Come and get your love
Come and get your love ♪
Come and get your love now ♪
Christmas Eve With Jim Nabors
and the Mormon Tabernacle Choir
will not be seen today
so that we may bring you
this ABS Sports special presentation.
Live from Rustbelt
Memorial Airport and parking lot,
White House Beer and Dippity-Do present
Buster Thunder Junior:
'Twas the Jump Before Christmas!
And a pleasant Christmas Eve to you all!
In just one hour, Buster Thunder Junior
will attempt to make
his first successful jump of the 1970s
by soaring over a Boeing 747,
courtesy of Ala-Hican Airlines.
No fucking way Buster makes it!
Look at me. I'm on the TV box! Whoo!
Dave, these are the kind of simple,
unread people that can swing an election
and make me proud to be an American.
Frank, he's not supposed to be unconscious
until after the jump.
Ed, he told me this was part
of his pre-jump ritual. Just leave him be.
Okay, but he doesn't appear
to be breathing.
Get skull-fucked, little man!
I just met Buster Thunder Junior.
Oh, there's the chairman of the board.
His ass isn't gonna kiss itself.
Hot pretzels! Splatter ponchos!
Leftover roast beef
the wife made last night!
Mom, these seats are incredible.
This is a better view than the one we had
when that statue guy blew up.
All right, it's a party!
You're gonna get to see an ambulance
with all those pretty little lights go
- Frank!
- Hi, Dad!
Hey, guys! Gonna get that bonus!
Love you!
I love you too, Frank Murphy!
Santa did read my letter.
Mwah!
Hey, beautiful.
California, here we come.
I left a note for the boys
under the Christmas tree.
They're Greg's problem now.
I'm finally free,
and I'm going back to my maiden name.
Goodbye, Ginny Throater.
Welcome back, Ginny Deichpfister.
This back seat is so lumpy.
That's what you get
when you buy from Tōjō.
Aw, she's coming too?
She's my ma. We live with her.
It's the pedal on the right.
Get driving, Little Miss Mustache.
She's gone. She's really gone.
I will never forget
the six million seconds I spent with her.
Don't you dare roll down that window.
I'm cold!
It was nice seeing you play your music
for those cute little babies.
Yeah, it rocked, huh?
I would've gotten a standing ovation,
but they can't stand up yet.
Kevin. I like
when you pretend to be stupid.
Yeah, you're right. I'm smart as shit.
Hey, guys. You remember Kevin, right?
He pissed off an entire community of Jews.
Yeah. I'm real sorry about all that.
How's your jaw?
I have to drink hamburgers
through a straw now.
No way, they make that?
You must be really good at sucking.
Kevin, it's Christmas Eve. Shouldn't you
be at home terrorizing your family?
They're all down at the airport to watch
the Buster Thunder jump my dad set up.
Ah, yes.
Driving a motorcycle over a jumbo jet.
Sounds like someone
has some unresolved childhood issues.
Yeah, and balls.
It's on channel nine if you want to watch.
Well, I guess I could watch
for research purposes.
You know, I'm working on a book
about male bravado.
It's called The Caveman Who Sighed.
- The cover is the satirical drawing of
- Dad, we're gonna go talk in my room.
Okay, peanut.
Now I trust
you'll use your best judgment and
No way he's gonna make that.
Here you go, Mr. Prescott.
Up front with a great view
of the landing ramp,
just behind the bloodmobile.
Yes, splendid. Good job, Murphy.
Thanks. And can I say that I am
so grateful that you liked my idea
Murphy, where can I get
a scotch and soda around here?
Well, all we have is a beer tent.
I can get you one.
Excellent! And let's get some
for the whole board!
- Yes, I'll have one.
- A beer sounds perfect.
Are you gonna give me the money now
or when I, uh
It's on me. Shit.
Mr. Mayor. Nice to meet you
for the first time.
It is nice to meet you as well,
having never seen you before.
And depending on how this goes,
maybe not even now.
Thanks for making sure my union boys
got the construction job on this.
We saved a mint
by not using nuts on the speaker towers.
Bolts yes, nuts no.
If you know what I mean.
I do know what you mean,
if you know what I mean.
There they are, fucking crooks.
They won't know what hit them
when we skin them alive.
Skin. I used to love that word.
You get me in that TV truck,
and I'll slip in my hidden camera tape
showing Gagliardi
bribing the mayor.
I was all set to air it last year,
but the mayor got wind of it
and destroyed my reputation
by concocting
that whole pregnancy fetish about me.
So you ain't freaky for late bitches?
Pure fiction.
- Keep them coming.
- Jesus, did your wife leave you?
Why does everyone always ask me that?
I'm trying to get my boss drunk.
It's called business!
Uncle Louis,
I'm so glad you're back with us.
Me too, buddy.
Do you barge into people's houses
and announce yourself,
like Bruce Again does?
Oh, honey, if you want to see
real gay people on television,
go watch Bert and Ernie.
As we near the 30-minute mark,
let's hear a number from
those clean-cut kids from the heartland,
Harmo-Nation!
Hey, everyone! We are America's youth!
The USA is A-okay ♪
From the DMV to the CIA ♪
We love Iow-A and Georg-I-A ♪
Why would anyone listen to Led Zeppelin
when they could rock out to this?
Wow, Vic. This ad is great.
It'll really help my business get going.
I know. And once this runs in the paper,
you'll be choking on babies!
Is that a good thing?
For this metaphor, it is.
Okay, Rosie,
now we break into the truck.
If anyone tries to stop us,
I'll simply explain I'm the van inspector.
You crazy? What makes you think anybody
will believe a half-ass explanation like
Oh, right, you're white.
You know,
that's what's wrong with you Blacks.
You make everything about race.
Aw, fuck you, Pogo.
After we do this, I am through with you.
Well, well, well.
If it isn't the stuck pig
that wiggled off the rotisserie.
Well, now you've made me hungry.
Uh, and this is, uh,
I want to say your driver?
I'm a city alderman, motherfucker!
Between the garbage and the shitters,
right where you belong.
I'm not afraid of you, Mr. Mayor.
That's Mr. Mr. Mayor to you.
I tell you, Dave,
the thought of a white man
not obeying any laws
of safely operating a motorized vehicle
reminds me of why all those who lived here
freely before we arrived were destroyed.
Right you are, Ern.
Well, that was breakfast. Time to suit up.
The fuck? The ramps are on the ends.
That pig is supposed to be sideways.
Oh, yes, it highlights our logo
for the TV cameras.
The "A" is for Ala-Hican.
Well, I can't jump that!
Your manager agreed to it.
My manager is my ex-wife.
She gets half of everything!
Hell, she'd say yes to having me jump
two lions fucking a crocodile!
I'm gone.
- Something wrong?
- Frank, can you jump a motorcycle?
- No, I can't, Ed.
- Then something is very wrong.
Aw, shit!
So what have you been up to?
Uh, not much.
Just spending most of my time
writing songs for babies.
I'm actually working on a rock opera
about diaper rash.
You know, you breaking up with me,
it really gave me some time to think.
And I realized that maybe, like,
I'm not ready
to be in anything serious right now.
And I'm totally cool
with just being friends with you.
Or not.
Buster!
Don't do this to me!
This whole thing is to promote Ala-Hican.
If we don't get the logo on TV,
then what's the point?
The point?
The point is to watch a mythical man
with a dick longer than your neck
defy death
and show you indoor-living juice drinkers
that you don't have to marry
the first harlot
that gives you a piece of pie!
I can't argue with that.
Now I got to dump my toilet.
Where do you guys fish around here?
Buster, please!
I got everything riding on this!
This job is all I have.
If you don't do this jump
and save the airline, then I'm nobody.
You're somebody, all right.
You're a fucking corporate flunky.
I don't know what I'm gonna do.
God, you're pathetic.
No wonder your dad died.
Fine.
I'll jump your pig, little man.
I won't remember any of it
tomorrow anyways.
Huh? Whoa. Whoa!
Hey, where you going? You're not supposed
to jump for another 21 minutes!
You want your fucking jump,
I'm doing it now!
See you on the other side. Yeehaw!
Aw, shit.
Staying positive keeps us on our feet ♪
Fuck ♪
Any last words?
You know what? Go ahead and shoot me!
Put a bullet in me if you want!
You can kill me,
but you can't kill what I stand for.
And your time is running out.
I will not beg for my life.
I'm a man, and I don't grovel to rats.
Are you gonna take that from him?
I say we shoot him. Eh, goombahs?
Man, fuck you, Pogo!
Okay, that's it.
Aw! Right in the Gordon!
Do you have a rubber?
Oh, thank God
I set that fire at your temple.
- I got this from the truck at work.
- You have a job?
I did, yeah, for a couple hours.
And then my boss started crying.
Hey, look! Daddy's part of the show!
Buster, no! No! We're in commercial!
- Fuck off!
- We're in commercial!
Yeah, Frank!
Keep shining like the star you are!
I wish I was dead!
Buster is gonna jump a full 20 minutes
ahead of schedule!
Network TV rules
mean nothing to the man!
Holy Mussolini!
Phillip, we got to see-a this!
The one time I decide to shit indoors!
You and your fucking nuts.
Ah!
Rosie! Look out!
Whoa!
We interrupt this commercial
because Buster Thunder Junior
is jumping now!
Ponchos up, kids!
No, thanks. I want to feel it hit my face.
You shall be my Sistine Chapel.
Please, God.
Please let that long-dicked bastard
make it to the other ramp in your name.
He did it, Ed! He did it!
The crazy bastard did it!
- I am rock hard.
- Eh.
Here comes the airplane.
- That fucking maniac, he made it!
- Dad!
Ah!
Never come near my daughter again,
you Gentile piece of shit!
I didn't do anything!
You scared me and made me miss!
Bye, Kevin! See you in school!
Yeah! Buster!
Hey, Bob, you saved my life.
You deserve it. You're a good man.
And I'm gonna be a better man
from now on, Rosie, I swear.
I've got a happy life
to look forward to.
But you're paralyzed.
You'll spend the rest of your life
In a chair. A wonderful chair.
It's my dream come true.
Can I get one of those feeding tubes?
Buster, you finally landed a jump.
How do you feel?
Well, Ernie, when I was up there
sailing over that pig,
I had time to think.
I saw all you folks cheering me on
TV cameras, the whole world watching,
and it hit me.
I hate my fucking life.
Oh, Jesus.
Look what I am.
A clown that has to make a living
almost getting my guts smeared
all over an airplane
for a bunch of fucking ghouls
with tiny little lives
on the night before our Lord and Savior
shot out of his Holy Mother's cooch!
'Cause let me tell you something,
Rustvale.
- Yeah, Rustvale!
- Whoo! Yeah, Rustvale!
I'm done entertaining you pinheads.
Oh.
Find some other asshole
to fill up your afternoon
in this eyesore of a town
with your ugly women and mediocre cuisine.
He's not wrong about the cuisine.
Buster Thunder Junior, everybody!
Okay, okay,
let's have a nice round
The only reason I did this jump
is because this sorry sack of shit
put on a dress and started crying
about how he wouldn't get promoted
to junior vice ass-licker
at this crash-and-burn airline!
Oh yeah, and I'm a quarter Cherokee,
so fuck Ala-Hican too!
Why would we pay him to say that?
By the way, every city I go to,
I make sure I fuck
at least one guy's wife.
This town was no different.
Enjoy your ride home.
We wish you a Merry Christmas ♪
We wish you a Merry Christmas ♪
We wish you a Merry Christmas ♪
And a Happy New Year ♪
Good tidings we bring ♪
To you and your kin ♪
We wish you a Merry Christmas ♪
And a Happy New Year ♪
Frank, join us. Open your gifts.
Ah, what's the point?
I didn't get my bonus,
and they demoted me to lower management.
Christ, it's the same job, half my pay.
Well, work didn't bring me happiness, Dad!
And now, back to A Colt Luger Christmas.
Ah, now all of you just stop talking
and let me enjoy
the one treasure I have left in life.
When I took out the Escobar gang,
I killed your fathers.
Killed them all.
Now it's your turn.
Get ready to eat hot
fudge,
because I'm gonna buy a lettuce farm
and raise you kids as my very own.
Merry Christmas.
Hark the herald angels sing ♪
Ah, the whole world's gone to hell!
Another fucking year
and more disappointment!
You know what? Shoot me, Colt!
Put me out of my misery!
That's enough of your poor-me bullshit!
What did I do?
Frank Murphy.
This family supported you
these past few weeks
when all you could do
was talk about Buster Thunder.
So it didn't work out.
And now you blame him
for your shitty mood.
There's always somebody to blame.
Bob Pogo or Roger Dunbarton.
- Grandma Nora.
- The Beatles.
Johnny Unitas that one time.
Now, Bill, I've told you a thousand times,
that was Earl Morrall's fault!
Christ, they put Unitas in at the end
of the game, he almost pulled it out!
Shit, if they put him in earlier,
like they should've,
they would've won
instead of losing to Joe Willie Namath,
that pantyhose-wearing fucking jackass!
What? It's true.
But your favorite person to blame
is your father.
Well, he's not here, but we are.
All we want
is to have a nice Christmas as a family,
but you chose to mope around all day.
It's not my choice, Susan! Life decides!
Nice going, Frank.
Hell of a first Christmas
for your daughter.
Maybe I should take a drive or something.
Clear my head.
Nobody here is stopping you.
It is with a heavy heart
that I resign
my position as your mayor.
Yes!
Tangenti was arrested and charged
with accessory to attempted murder.
He will also be charged with bribery
thanks to explosive undercover video
provided by our own
Jim Jeffords.
Boo!
The Valachi Tollway has been canceled,
along with all city projects linked
to the late union boss Lou Gagliardi.
The Tangenti era is over.
Never has this city seen
such a catastrophic fall from grace.
- Jim, I seem to remember you
- No, nope. That's it. Now on to sports.
Well, Georgia, there is a Santa Claus,
and he's Black!
We're saved!
'Tis the season to be jolly ♪
Fuck you, fuck, fuck, fuck you ♪
Yeah, let me get a shorty too.
- It's on me, Walt.
- Thanks, Dick.
What's got you staring
at the bottom of a glass
on this fine Christmas morning?
My wife and kids can't stand
the sight of me. How about you?
I lost a game of euchre
to my granddaughter
and told her to go fuck herself.
Thanks again
for that beautiful funeral for Big Bill.
He would've loved it.
You know, I'm glad you liked him,
but I'm getting tired of hearing
about a guy I spent my whole life hating.
I mean, he barges back into my life
and forces me to rethink everything.
And just when it looks like we're gonna
we're gonna figure it all out,
he dies and drops some shit
about box 16 in my lap.
Good ol' Bach 16.
- You know what it is?
- Oh yeah, sure.
I've spent the last two months trying
to figure out what the fuck that means.
I must've looked through every box
in the city.
Box? No. It's Bach!
Johann Sebastian Bach.
The music guy with the faggy wig.
Bach's "Prelude and Fugue Number 16."
It was your dad's favorite piece of music.
He was telling me about music?
Why that? Wa was it
was it important to his life?
It was the jingle for White House Beer.
Used to be on the radio all the time
in the '30s.
Have a beer, drink a beer ♪
Want a beer? White House Beer ♪
He'd sing it when he'd come in here
and get plastered.
Lot of times on Christmas.
Just like you. How about that?
He always said
he wanted it played at his funeral.
Be good for a chuckle, he'd say.
Ah, jeez, I'm sorry if you thought
that it meant something more than that.
Perfect.
Perfect.
Of all the things he could've said to me
when he was dying,
he puts in a song request.
That selfish son of a bitch.
He wasn't all bad.
He just didn't know how to be a dad.
How fucking hard is it
to not be an asshole to your own kid?
Well, you're here drinking on Christmas,
so you tell me.
Eh, Merry Christmas, Dad. We're done.
Ah shit, here comes Scrooge McDick.
Act sad so he doesn't take
our Christmas presents.
Hey, Billy. How you doing, Phillip?
He didn't tell me to go fuck myself.
Maybe he's sick.
I would say he's drunk,
but usually that just makes him meaner.
So, did it dawn on you
that it's Christmas?
- I found out what box 16 means.
- Really?
It means my parents
were two messed-up people
who fucked and made me.
And nothing more.
That's something to build on.
Yep.
Ah, Sue, I'm so sorry.
You were right. You're always right.
From now on, I'm just gonna listen to you
instead of daredevils, angry candy men,
psycho Air Force pilots, hookers at wakes.
That's a start.
Right now, I'd just love
to have a nice Christmas
with my family, if that's okay.
I made pigs in blankets
with your favorite vegetable, mustard.
God, I love you.
Everyone, something I want to tell you.
The last year or so
has been very hard for me,
and that means it's been harder for you.
Well, I learned something
about myself today.
I learned that if you're
Here we go.
- Let's eat.
- What if they're calling from work?
It might be important.
Nah, this is important.
Is he having a stroke, or am I?
Watch it!
I tell you, Sue. He's a little comedian!
Hey, I'm funny too!
Yeah, but looks and smells don't count.
You're so dead!
Don't slack on your studies, Bill.
Can't earn a living making people laugh.
Mommy's all right ♪
Daddy's all right ♪
They just seem a little weird ♪
Surrender, surrender ♪
But don't give yourself away ♪
Hey ♪
Hey ♪
Away ♪
Away ♪
- Surrender ♪
- Mommy's all right ♪
- Surrender ♪
- Daddy's all right ♪
But don't give yourself away ♪
- Surrender ♪
- Mommy's all right ♪
- Surrender ♪
- Daddy's all right ♪
But don't give yourself away ♪
- Surrender ♪
- Mommy's all right ♪
- Surrender ♪
- Daddy's all right ♪
But don't give yourself away ♪
You're not gonna get me,
you son of a bitch.