Fresh Off The Boat (2015) s05e08 Episode Script

1 Ugh, that shadow's back, and it's not doing us any favors.
Should we bring the lamp in again? Enough with the lamp, enough with the shadow.
Let's do this already.
Sorry, but it's gotta be just right.
Plus, I'm a dad.
Taking forever with a camera is a part of my brand.
Should I smile mouth-closed or mouth-open? Mouth-open.
Makes you look like you were caught mid-laugh.
This is so dumb.
We take the same Christmas card photo every year.
And every year, our smiles are a little different.
Yeah, but these old pajamas aren't, and they're riding up the ol' chimney.
Well, deal with it, ya scrooge.
Look at us.
I don't normally toss out this word, but we're real cute.
[CHUCKLES.]
Maybe instead of cute, we go for funny this year.
Evan and Emery can pretend these lights are handcuffs, and I'll be like, "No, I'm innocent!" Save your pranks for Halloween.
Christmas is about tradition.
Don't bring Halloween into this.
Halloween has no dog in this fight.
Okay, we're all set.
All right.
Turn on the lights, Jenny.
Three, two, one.
- Pull! - Ugh.
- [CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS.]
- Fresh off the boat I'm gettin' mine everywhere I go If you don't know, homey, now you know Fresh off the boat Homey, you don't know where I come from But I know where I'm goin' I'm fresh off the boat [CHRISTMAS MUSIC PLAYS.]
Hey, what are you doing? Upgrading my stocking.
I'm too old for Large Bird.
Evan and Emery can stick with their knock-off Biscuit Monster and Trash Grump.
Nice try.
You just want a bigger stocking so you get more stuff.
I thought you'd like it.
It's a classic red stocking.
It used to say "Tim" in glitter, but I picked it off.
No.
Large Bird stays.
Here you go, Frosty.
Nope, too close to the rabbit.
Don't want it to eat your nose.
Can't put you next to the snow-woman.
Don't want any Christmas surprises.
Frosty's not an A-squad ornament, hang him in the back.
You heard the lady.
It's not so bad back there.
You can get away with more.
Another Christmas in Jessica Town.
Oh, and the milliner finally kicked her hard cider addiction.
Mm.
She looks so much younger.
Each one of these ornaments tells a story.
This pineapple symbolizes the time we bought tropical fruit from a gas station and all got sick.
I lost 3 pounds.
Nicole sent me an ornament that tells a story, too how there is no truer common ground between a lesbian and a 15-year-old boy than the movie "Wild Things.
" We're not hanging that on the tree.
Fine, I'll just put it over my bed.
Why? While we're on the subject of Nicole, she asked if I could come visit her in New York for Christmas.
The Big Apple, Concrete Jungle We spend Christmas together.
It's tradition.
You don't change tradition.
Every other family is a mess during the holidays not us, we cruise right through it because we are consistent.
We stick with what works.
- We'll revisit this later.
- No, we won't.
And the dance begins.
Mom, she's ready.
Ah, there she is.
Awaken, my sweet.
So we can't put "Wild Things" on, but this old battle axe is allowed up there? Yes, because for 15 years, she's perched atop of our tree and watched one perfect Christmas after another.
My angel.
[CLATTER.]
[LAUGHS.]
I took the 20-sided dice from "Dungeons & Dragons," so we are gonna be zipping around the board.
Not if Emery can't choose his token.
Come on, we only have eight hours blocked off for this game.
He's right, pick.
This game takes days.
I can't.
I love the clean look of the iron, but also the hat is so dapper, and then there's the dog probably a rescue.
So, since Honey, Marvin, and Nicole are in New York this year, we have three empty seats we need to fill for Christmas Eve dinner.
We could do just the six of us.
We could do a thousand things, but what we're gonna do is what we always do, which is nine people.
I just thought it might be easier.
Save your bad ideas for Halloween.
I am in charge of Christmas, and my reindeer plate set is for nine people.
We can't just leave out Donner, Blitzen, and Rudolph.
So, each one of you boys can bring one friend.
- Eddie is bringing Trevor.
- You mean Trent? Sure.
Well, that's fun.
Who are you gonna invite? Zach.
He's always my go-to.
Mine's Marvin.
- Mm.
- I'm not sure.
There's Andy, Caleb, Sydney, Kate Here he goes again.
Can never make a decision.
[CHUCKLES.]
Must be tough to have so many friends.
Dennis, Andrew, Janet who works the register at Mervyn's My friend Mervyn! No, I can't invite him without inviting Alanis And then there's Bobby and Dwayne, and what about the Spinelli twins? How could I forget about them? [TAPE RIPPING.]
Did you get a new angel? Oh, my God, that's the same one.
They said she'd never fly again, but she's gonna prove them all wrong.
Off of that, I was thinking maybe I could make some brownies with candy canes this year.
Still festive, still a sweet treat.
Plus, we get to smash some canes.
I make the cookies.
You lick the bowl.
And I'll still do that, but I figured I could help you lessen the workload.
What's your game, Huang? Okay, I realized that New York was too big a swing.
So, I thought I could help you get rid of your fear of change I don't fear change.
I hate it.
Right, but if we start smaller, you might see that change can actually be fun.
You're not going to New York by yourself.
- You're still a kid.
- I'm not a kid.
I have shoulder hair.
Please, you still watch Ben and Jerry.
"Tom and Jerry," and I haven't watched that cartoon since I was eight years old.
So why do you care about their names so much? [SIGHS.]
Okay, you don't have to decide on New York right now, but at least consider candy cane brownies.
Let me ask you a question.
Do you hate Christmas? No, I love it.
It's my favorite.
You know why that is? Because I spent years perfecting it.
We have our set plan "Miracle on 34th Street," "The Nutcracker" ballet, snowman pancakes, and the hour where I sing along with Bing Crosby after Christmas dinner.
Wait, we're still doing "The Nutcracker"? I thought we were done with that snooze-fest.
Oh, we only skipped last year because the playhouse decided to do a Disney-themed "Nutcracker.
" Sugar plum Goofy, no thank you.
Well, can I at least skip the ballet this year? I mean, no need to spend 50 bucks for me to fall asleep.
Come on, be a little flexible.
Flexibility is not what Christmas is about.
Commitment and tradition are.
No New York, no brownies.
[DOOR OPENS.]
[EXHALES SHARPLY.]
She won't let me do anything.
She still thinks I'm a little kid! But I'm older now.
When will she get that? Oh, don't tell your mom I'm stealing her potatoes.
Great idea to do breakfast on the couch.
This is like when that lizard got into the kitchen.
It's not usually my style, but if you can't cut loose during the holidays, then when? [LAUGHS.]
Oh, boy, you have pink eye again? You really need to start washing your hands better.
I was up all night trying to figure out who to invite to Christmas Eve.
Too hard to choose.
I can't narrow it down.
I need coffee.
And wash your hands! Emery always has a hard time making decisions.
Now you add in Christmas and friends? Never gonna happen.
He's gonna need our help.
Who's Stan Mallman? "Mail man.
" - That's our mail man.
- Oh.
I can't ever remember his name.
I just say, "Yo," when I see him.
Oh, are you off to your job reporting the weather? [LAUGHS.]
Good one, Jessica.
Oh, this? I just thought it was time to start dressing more maturely.
You know, because I'm maturing.
And I was thinking about what you said how this is the season of giving.
- Yes? - And I feel like I'm at an age where I need to start giving back.
So I'm volunteering at a homeless shelter.
Wear gloves and don't give any personal information.
It wouldn't be who I'd give my time to, but that is very mature of you.
What can I say? I'm growing up.
Oh, just one thing I'm volunteering the same night as "The Nutcracker," so I can't make it.
Sorry.
[DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES.]
Up on the housetop, reindeer pause Out jumps Lao Ban Santa Claus [HUMMING.]
[SIGHS.]
Oh.
You must be so tired from volunteering.
I am.
Tough day.
I couldn't make the gravy fast enough.
Homeless people put it on everything! Mm, that sounds hard.
Drink your cocoa.
Why are you being so nice to me? I thought you were mad because I had to miss "The Nutcracker.
" Well, I realized you were right.
- I was? - Mm-hmm.
I do need to be more flexible.
Right, change can be good.
Like maybe I can go to New York after all? [LAUGHS.]
Oh, God, no.
But I did flexibly change the date of our "Nutcracker" tickets to tomorrow so you can still come.
What? Oh, and I had your plaid vest let out so you can match your brothers.
[SIGHS.]
It's like you want me to get beat up.
I saw Mommy kissing Lao Ban Santa Claus - Thirsty? - Let's cut the crap.
You need to make a decision about who to bring on Christmas Eve.
Okay.
I don't know yet.
What he means is we all got that go-to friend, and we're gonna help you find yours.
You're in the cafeteria, you've got half a sandwich to share.
Who do you give it to? Um, what kind of sandwich? PB&J.
Who do you give it to?! Easy, Evan.
Take your time, Emery.
We're all on the same team here.
Let's try this again.
You've been waiting in line for a roller coaster for hours.
You finally get to the front.
Two seats in the first car, the best car.
Who do you take? Um, well, Caleb has really good posture, but Andy's very Caleb or Andy? Just pick one! I don't know.
Is it really hot in here? - Maybe Ryan? - Ryan?! Where did Ryan come from? Evan, hey, walk it off.
Walk it off! You're having a bad hair day.
Who's your go-to? - You, Dad.
- [SIGHS.]
You're damn right.
[LAUGHS.]
Sorry to break up the party, ladies.
It's winter break, so we don't have a bedtime.
And we're not going anywhere till we find an answer.
Forget it, I'm not inviting anybody.
If it's this hard to figure out, maybe I don't have a go-to friend at all.
Just give me ten minutes alone with him.
[TCHAIKOVSKY'S "THE NUTCRACKER MARCH" PLAYS.]
[SNORING.]
Psst! Eddie, wake up! It's the Waltz of the Snowflakes! Ow, you pinched me! - No sleeping.
- What do you mean? I sleep every year.
You want a new tradition? Stay awake.
You like dancing so much? Let's dance.
[MUSIC STOPS.]
- [RUN-DMC'S "CHRISTMAS IN HOLLIS" PLAYS.]
- It was December 24th on Hollis Ave in the dark When I see a man chilling with his dog in the park I approached him very slowly with my heart full of fear Looked at his dog, oh, my God, an ill reindeer But then I was illin, 'cause the man had a beard And a bag full of goodies, 12 o'clock had neared So I turned my head a second, and the man had gone But he left his driver's wallet smack dead on the lawn Jessica Town is now under martial law.
- Ho, ho, ho.
- Took out the license And it cold said "Santa Claus" A million - [MUSIC STOPS.]
- Hey! I know what you're doing.
You're not taking over my Christmas with your nonsense.
I don't know what you're talking about.
You're trying to break me so you can get whatever you want.
It's never gonna happen.
Ho, ho, ho.
Oh, this isn't over.
I've got more tricks up my sleeve.
She may have killed the music, but we're still dancing.
Her own potatoes? Hmm.
I hung this gator on the wrong spot.
It's too animal-heavy on this side.
This is a tree, not a zoo.
That's a Douglas Fir.
Keep an eye on her.
They get real thirsty.
Not now, Zach.
Maybe here No, not next to Santa's workshop, I don't want him to eat any of the elves when they step out on a smoke break.
[SIGHS.]
Looks like the ornament doesn't fall far from the Christmas tree.
This is where Emery gets his indecisiveness from! I know how to make a decision.
Just put the gator next to the surfing Santa.
Perfect.
Hmm.
Oh.
Who are you? Who's this? Trent couldn't come, so I invited Cindy from the shelter.
Great, so I'm the only one without a guest? Welcome.
Are you Eddie's supervisor? Oh, no, I go there to eat.
Homeless Cindy walked the Appalachian Trail all the way here from New Hampshire.
Yeah, I love being homeless.
No ties, just freedom and fresh air.
And I'm friends with a host at Olive Garden who gives me their leftovers.
I brought you these breadsticks to thank you for having me.
They're a little hard, but, um, hey, so is life.
[CHUCKLES.]
Cindy, can I get you some cider? Oh.
Sure.
Great tree topper, by the way.
[GASPS.]
You put your porno ornament on my angel?! [GLASS SHATTERING.]
"Porno ornament"? Or pornament.
Right? Jessica, I gotta hand it to you, you picked a strong tree.
It really held your weight.
Cindy, Zach, Merry Christmas.
I really messed up.
Ah, it's okay.
I'll talk to your mom.
Maybe this isn't the time, but stuff like this never happens on Halloween.
[SIGHS.]
This tinsel is never coming out.
It lives here now [GROANS.]
as part of my hair.
Yeah, you really did a number on that tree.
Well, now we're just like every other family.
We let our Christmas turn into chaos.
We? [CHUCKLES.]
You.
Uh We.
I told Eddie this would happen.
You don't mess with what works, especially on Christmas.
You know who else I remember feeling that way? Barbra Streisand, Jim Belushi? Louis, I'm not in the mood to guess.
Your mother, when you wrestled parts of Christmas away from her.
I was just trying to make Christmas better.
She used to wrap presents in newspaper.
Besides, I was an adult.
Well, Eddie is 6'2".
[CHUCKLES.]
Look, whether we like it or not, he's growing up.
We can't force him to wear that Christmas vest forever.
[DOORBELL RINGS.]
[SIGHS.]
You think Marvin came back early from New York to surprise me? No, I think it's Emery's friend, Caleb.
I called him.
You and Emery are both indecisive.
The difference is you have Mommy.
So I decided to be Emery's Mommy.
Wait, wife? Husband? Decision-maker.
Mm.
So no Marvin.
Emery! What are you all doing here? Evan called and said you needed a friend.
And then I called Andy who called Trish and well, we all wanted to be here for you.
I'm Jewish and Mervyn's closes early on Christmas Eve, so I was wide open.
I don't know what to say.
Thanks so much for coming.
You don't have one go-to friend, you have a whole bunch.
- And a great wife.
- Thanks, Dad.
[CHUCKLES.]
It's just like "It's a Wonderful Life.
" Except you should all go.
It's Christmas Eve.
And I finally decided who my go-to guy is.
It's you.
Who else would do all this for me? Hey, Merry Christmas, Louis! Yo! [LAUGHS.]
[KNOCKING.]
I colored over the duct tape with a red sharpie to be festive but now it just looks like she's bleeding.
I'm really sorry I was such a jerk.
You're not a jerk.
You're Eddie and I'm me.
So this is gonna happen sometimes.
Look, I know you were upset about New York It wasn't just New York you weren't open to even the smallest change.
Listen, Eddie.
When you were first born, your dad was working a lot and I was overwhelmed being a new mother.
I didn't know if I was doing a good job or not.
But then our first Christmas, you and I had all these fun times together.
Our first Christmas card photo.
Man, I was a cute-ass baby.
We watched "Miracle on 34th Street," and you fell asleep on me listening to "The Nutcracker.
" That's why it makes me so sleepy! And when you first saw this angel, you were laughing non-stop.
It was the best sound.
It made everything feel okay.
It still does.
Now I get why you don't want to change all these traditions.
That, and letting you make new traditions means admitting that you're growing up.
And that is the change I am really not ready for.
[SIGHS.]
But I guess it's gonna happen no matter how stubborn I am.
[CHUCKLES.]
Sounds to me like someone's coming around on Christmas brownies Smashy smashy some canes? Okay.
But we're not gonna call them "reindeer patties.
" - We'll revisit this.
- No, we won't.
And the dance begins And the dance begins What's that mess? EVAN: It's a dog in a top hat, holding an iron, riding in a wheelbarrow.
- I made it.
- That's what Evan got me for Christmas so I don't waste any time picking my piece.
Tennessee Avenue.
Not doing it.
Did you know the oranges are the most frequently landed-upon properties? I'm not an orange guy.
It washes me out.
The game is Monopoly, not favorite colors.
No! Don't smash us! Save me! I have a family! You wanna try? I think you'll like it.
Smash! Feels good, right? Yes! Okay, no, calm down.
If you keep that up, you'll put a hole in the bag.
Sing we joyous all together! Fa la la la la la la la laaaa - So festive! - So good! - So loud! - So great.
Anyway, the karaoke machine was my present, so maybe I can sing Aerosmith finally? Nope.
We have one more song this year.
Great, I'll just, um, play with my new dress socks, then.
It was December 24th on Hollis Ave in the dark When I saw a man chilling with his dog in the park I approached him very slowly with my heart full of fear Looked at his dog, oh, my God, an ill reindeer And then I was illin, 'cause the man had a beard And a bag full of goodies, 12 o'clock had neared I turned my head a second, and the man was gone But he left his driver's wallet smack dead on the lawn