Friends s05e08 Episode Script

Monica, that was the best Thanksgiving dinner ever.
It was so good.
I think you killed us.
I couldn't possibly eat another bite.
I need something sweet.
Does anyone want to watch TV? Monica, your remote doesn't work.
You have to lift it and point.
Oh, forget it.
Let's play that game where everyone says one thing they're thankful for.
I am thankful for this beautiful fall we've been having.
Very nice.
The other day, I was at the bus stop and this lovely fall breeze came and blew this chick's skirt up.
Which reminds me, I'm also thankful for thongs.
The One with the Thanksgiving Flashbacks It's not so much an underpant as a feat of engineering.
It's amazing how much they can do with so little material.
And they play with your mind.
Is it there? Is it not there? Are you aware that you're still talking? Is anyone thankful for anything else besides a thong? I don't know.
Am I more thankful for my divorce or my eviction? And I didn't think you'd be able to come up with anything.
I'm sorry.
This is the worst Thanksgiving ever.
I am the king of bad Thanksgivings.
You can't swoop in with your bad marriage and take that away from me.
You're not going to tell about your parents' divorce again, are you? Come on! I want to hear it.
It wouldn't be Thanksgiving without Chandler bumming us out.
It's a tradition, like the parade.
If the parade decided it was gay and abandoned its family.
Now, Chandler, dear just because we're getting a divorce doesn't mean we don't love you.
It just means he would rather sleep with the houseboy than with me.
More turkey, Mr.
Chandler? Every time you tell that story, that guy's accent gets thicker and thicker.
So are he and your dad still together? No.
After they got their own place, the houseboy got his own houseboy.
Should have heard his accent.
You're right, yours is worse.
You're the king of bad Thanksgivings.
I've got one that's worse.
Really? Worse than, "More turkey, Mr.
Chandler?" Did the little rich boy have a problem with the butler? Yes, mine's worse! More bandages! More bandages! Please, can I get some more bandages in here? This man is In this life, Phoebe.
Oh, this life.
Oh, okay.
No, Chandler's is worse.
It must be cool remembering stuff like that.
I don't have any past-life memories.
Of course, you don't, sweetie.
You're brand-new.
I know Monica's worst Thanksgiving.
Let's not tell this story.
I know! It's the one where Joey got Monica's turkey stuck on his head.
Joey got a turkey stuck on his head? It's not like it sounds.
It's exactly like it sounds.
What's going on? Oh, my God! I know! It's stuck! Step.
How did it get on? I put it on to scare Chandler.
Oh, my God! Monica's going to totally freak out! Help me get it off! Plus, it smells really bad in here.
Of course it smells bad.
You have your head up a dead animal's ass.
Did you get the turkey? Oh, my God! Who is that? It's Joey.
Is this supposed to be funny? It's not supposed to be funny.
It's supposed to be scary.
Get that off now! I can't.
It's stuck! It has to feed 20 people.
They're not going to eat it off your head! Hold on.
Let's just all think.
I got it! You pull.
I'll spread the legs as wide as I can.
Now is not the time.
Count to three.
One two three! It worked! I scared you! I knew it! I'm here, big guy.
Yeah, you are! I scared you! You did look like an idiot.
I wasn't the only one who looked like an idiot.
Remember when Ross tried to say "butternut squash" and it came out, "squatternut bosh"? Yeah, that's the same.
That's it.
That's my worst Thanksgiving.
That can't be the one Rachel meant.
She didn't even know that happened.
So, what's yours? I really don't want to tell this story.
Reliving pain and getting depressed is what Thanksgiving's all about.
For me, anyway.
And, of course, the lndians.
Of all people, you do not want me to tell this story.
What is that supposed to mean? -Monica, I think Rachel's here! -I'll get it! Happy Thanksgiving! Not for me.
Chip and I broke up.
Why? What happened? My parents are out of town, and Chip was going to come over.
And you were going to give him your "flower.
" Monica, can you just call it sex? It really creeps me out when you call it that.
And by the way while we're at it, a guy's thing is not called his "tenderness.
" Believe me.
Happy Thanksgiving.
Everyone this is Chandler.
My roommate and lead singer of our band.
This is Monica.
I'm Ross' little sister.
I'm so glad you could come.
We've got plenty of food, so I hope you're hungry.
Chandler hates Thanksgiving and doesn't eat any Thanksgiving food.
I'm so glad you brought him here.
I can make you some macaroni and cheese for dinner.
As long as the Pilgrims didn't eat it.
Damn it! Does it feel weird around here now? You know, since I've been away at college? Not really.
That's cool.
So that's Rachel, the girl you've been writing all those songs about? Might want to rethink the lyrics to "She Feels Weird Since I've Been Gone.
" I cannot believe Chip dumped me for that slut Nancy Branson! I am never going out with him again.
I don't care how much he begs.
His begging days are over, now that he's with Nancy Branson.
I've just had it with high-school boys.
They're just silly.
They're just silly, stupid boys.
I'll start dating men.
I'm sorry, Judy.
I couldn't find that bowl you and Jack were looking for.
Call them Mom and Dad, you loser.
Did you like the macaroni and cheese? It was great.
You should be a chef.
Guess what.
All this stuff about Nancy being a slut was all a rumor.
Chip dumped her, and he wants to come over to my house! -That is so great! -I know.
Oh, gosh.
Listen, if you and Chip do it tonight promise me you'll tell me everything.
Totally.
It's not that big a deal.
We already kind of did it once.
But now you'll definitely know whether or not you did it.
I know.
And Chip promised that this time it'd last at least for an entire song.
I'm thinking of asking Rachel out tonight maybe playing her that song we wrote last week.
"Emotional Knapsack"? Right on! But don't take long.
We're testing our fake lD's tonight.
Right, Clifford Alvarez? Listen, Roland Cheng if things go well, I may be out with her all night.
Dude, don't do that to me.
It's cool, you can stay here.
My parents won't mind.
It's not that.
I just don't want to be stuck here with your fat sister.
Why don't you finish off these pies? I don't have any more room in the fridge.
No, thank you.
Judy, you did it.
She's finally full! I called you fat? -I don't even remember that.
-Maybe it'd jog your memory if you guys played a little bit of "Emotional Knapsack.
" I'm so sorry.
I really am.
I was an idiot back then.
I rushed the stage at a Wham concert, for crying out loud! I can't believe you called her fat.
I can't believe you let George Michael slap you.
I am really sorry.
That is terrible.
I'm so sorry.
That's not the Thanksgiving I was talking about.
Yes, it was.
No, it was actually Thanksgiving's over.
Let's get ready for Christmas.
I have the cutest Christmas story.
We want to hear Monica's story.
Mine had a dwarf that got broke in half, but, you know, whatever.
You changed your major again? I had to.
There was never any parking by the psychology building.
Love your new nose! Dr.
Wolfson's an artist.
He removed my mole cluster.
Want to see? No! Please, let me.
Happy Thanksgiving.
Your hair sure is different.
We were just talking about that.
We can't believe how stupid we used to look.
Where's Monica? She's upstairs.
Come down, everyone's here! Ross, Rachel and the boy who hates Thanksgiving.
Oh, my God! What's the matter? Is there something on my dress? You look so different.
Terrific.
That dress, that body.
-Dude! -Sorry.
Yes, she's thin.
It's wonderful.
But we really want to hear about Ross' new girlfriend.
Her name is Carol.
She's really pretty and smart.
She's on the lacrosse team and the golf team.
Can you believe it? She plays for both teams.
So I guess I'll see you at dinner.
-Dude! -Sorry.
Oh, my God! That was so awesome.
You got him back for calling you fat.
He was drooling all over you.
-That must have felt so great.
-lt didn't.
Yeah, I mean, I look great.
I feel great, and my heart's not in trouble anymore.
I just don't feel like I got him back.
I just want to humiliate him.
I want him to be naked, and I want to point at him and laugh.
That, we may be able to do.
How? Guys tend to get naked before they're going to have sex.
What? I didn't work this hard and lose weight just so I could give my flower to someone like him.
First of all, if you keep calling it that, no one will take it.
And then second of all, you're not going to have sex with him.
You'll just make him think that you are.
I'll throw him out in the yard, lock the door and all our neighbors will just humiliate him! You'll definitely get him back.
How do I make him think I want to have sex? Here's what you do.
Just act like everything around you turns you on.
What do you mean? Anything can be sexy.
Like this dish towel.
This feels so good against my cheek.
And if I get a little hot, I can just dab myself with it.
Or I can bring it down to my side and run it through my fingers while I talk to him.
I can do that.
Good, good, good.
Get busy.
He's coming.
Hey, what's up? Could you make me some of that righteous mac and cheese like last year? I'd love to.
I love macaroni and cheese.
I love the way this box feels against my cheek.
And I love carrots.
Sometimes I like to put them between my fingers.
Like this.
And hold them down here while I talk to you.
And, you know, if I get really hot I like to pick up this knife.
And I put the cool steel against my body.
Are you all right? I'm fine.
Twenty-year-old male.
He's got a severed toe on his right foot.
Could you please not do that feet first? You know where his injury is.
Severed toe, you just said it! It says the knife went through your shoe.
They're made of wicker! Did you bring the toe? I have it right here on ice.
Toes on Ice, coming soon to Madison Square Garden.
Save your strength, man.
Don't worry, son.
We'll just reattach it and then.
What is it? You brought a carrot.
This isn't your toe.
This is a small, very cold piece of carrot.
You brought a carrot? Oh, my God! There's a toe in my kitchen.
I'm sorry! I'll go get it! All we can do now is sew up the wound.
Without my toe? I need my toe! I can go really fast! Dad, give me the keys to your Porsche.
I'm not falling for that one.
That's why I lost my toe? Because I called you fat? I didn't mean to cut it off.
It was an accident.
That's why for an entire year people called me Sir Limps-a-lot? I'm sorry.
It wasn't your whole toe.
Yeah, well, I miss the tip.
It's the best part.
It has the nail.
Sir Limps-a-lot.
I came up with that.
You're a dork.
-I can't believe this.
-I said I was sorry.
"Sorry" doesn't bring back the piggy that cried all the way home.
It figures that something like this would happen today.
I hate this stupid day and everything about it! I'll see you later.
Wait.
Come here.
Is there anything I can do? Anything? Just leave me alone for a little while.
I'm a duck.
I go quack-quack.
I'm happy all the time.
Nice try.
Wait, wait, wait.
Look, Monica This is not going to work.
I bet this will work.
You're so great.
I love you.
Nothing.
I said you're so great, and then I just stopped talking.
You said you loved me.
I can't believe this! No, I didn't! Yes, you did! No, I didn't! You love me! No, I don't! Stop it, stop it, stop it! Gauze! Gauze! I need to get some gauze in here! Can I please get some more gauze? This is getting ridiculous.