Fuller House (2016) s05e08 Episode Script

1 La la la la la la Ooh Oh [CARLY RAE JEPSEN.]
Whatever happened to predictability? The milkman, the paperboy the evening TV Oh Everywhere you look Everywhere you go There's a heart, there's a heart a hand to hold on to Everywhere you look everywhere you go There's a face, there's a face somebody who needs you There's a heart Everywhere you look, yeah When you're lost out there And you're all alone A light is waiting to carry you home Everywhere you look La la la la la la Oh Steph, my favorite part about you being engaged is that I get to shop while eating breakfast.
Oh.
How about this wedding dress? Oh.
Sure.
I'll just have to sell a kidney to pay for it.
So that's a solid maybe.
You and Jimmy are gonna have a great wedding.
You're so lucky to be engaged! Kimmy, aren't you and Fernando engaged, too? It's been so long, I honestly can't remember if we're engaged or divorced.
I think it might be both.
Well, have you thought about asking Fernando for clarification? Oh, I would, but the accent is so hard to understand.
Well, I'm no detective, but I have watched a lot of Hallmark Mysteries and there's something keeping you from taking the next step forward.
Guess you're right.
Fernando and I have been engaged for, like, three years, and I don't feel like we're any closer to actually getting married.
You're not certain Fernando's the one? Well, I knew Jimmy was the one after I dated all those losers in England.
By the way, an English accent does not mean you're smart.
Ahem.
Daniel Radcliffe.
Well, it's hard for me to say.
I never really dated that much.
My longest relationship before Fernando was with the poster of Kirk Cameron on my wall.
Kimmy, you still have that on your wall.
You know that's right.
Yeah, I never understood why Kirk Cameron was such a big deal.
I dunno.
Well, Fernando certainly got to shop around.
While you guys were broken up, he dated, like, half the planet.
Yeah.
While I was busy raising Ramona and building my business.
I gave my best years to Teletubbies and confetti cannons.
You can't go into a potential second marriage if you're not completely sure.
You're right, Deej.
I should go on a few dates.
Do a little window shopping.
That's not what I was saying.
Not necessarily buying but browsing.
That is a great idea.
Again, not what I was saying.
Thanks, Deej.
You see, this is why I never give Kimmy relationship advice.
I wasn't.
Rocki, I can't wait for you to meet Ethan.
He's awesome.
The bar is pretty low, since your last boyfriends were Popko and that guy from the boy band.
I want to say Menudo? I want to say Menudo, too, but sadly, it was Sexy Zone.
- Mm.
- [DOORBELL RINGS.]
It's always open.
Oh, no.
Who said that? Please tell me it wasn't me.
What's up, Jackson? Oh, I've been thinking about how the "b" at the end of thumb is silent.
- Hmm.
- You? You're an odd dude, Jackson.
Come on in, Ethan.
This is Rocki.
[DOOR CLOSES.]
- Hey.
- Hey.
That was weird.
- Do you guys know each other? - [BOTH.]
No! I'm gonna go.
I already left, so - [DOOR CLOSES.]
- What was that? I know, right? It's like those two have some sort of secret past we don't know about.
Or they have some secret past that we don't know about.
Wow.
I wish I'd thought of that.
Whatever it is, we have to get to the bottom of it.
And it's gonna take the most conniving, sneaky, snooping person we know.
Well, well, well.
What do you need this time? A loan? A diamond appraisal? Seventy thousand Ukrainian Instagram followers? We need information, and we need it fast and discreet.
I'm in.
But like any good CBS crime procedural, I work with a quirky rag-tag team of crimefighters.
Uh, why am I here? Hey, hey, ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh Did you know our last patient was on the cover of Dog Fancy magazine? Oh, that explains his attitude.
He wouldn't touch our tap water.
- I was trying too hard - Do you hear that? To fit in Make me feel like I belong to something But it hurt in my heart - Hiding - Do you know who that is? - who I am - Oh! It's Lady Baba.
Her hair grew back.
- I was wasting - No, the woman with the guitar.
Oh, my alt-rock.
That's Lisa Loeb.
- Celebrity singer-songwriter Lisa Loeb.
- they won't understand But it wasn't about them It's my parade So make it great Blow my horn Throw confetti, celebrate You can march you can dance Every moment is your chance To be yourself And sing out La la la la, la la la La la la, la la la La la la Oh, sorry for all the noise, but my cat gets nervous at the vet.
Noise? Are you kidding me? I love your music.
I have been a Loeb-Trotter for years.
Oh, can I get a selfie? I didn't say yes, but sure, go ahead.
- [SHUTTER SNAPS.]
- Okay.
Let's get your kitty his shots and get you out of here.
[MOUTHS.]
[CELL PHONE RINGTONE.]
Oh.
[CELL PHONE RINGTONE.]
[SIGHS.]
Hey, Deej.
What's up? Sorry I didn't answer the first time.
I'm, uh, busy mopping the floor.
There's not a chance that's true.
But you will never believe who's at my vet clinic.
The guy in the gorilla suit who keeps trying to get you to examine him? No.
No, it's Lisa Loeb.
She's here with her cat.
W-Wait.
The Lisa Loeb? She just won a Grammy for Best Children's Album.
I know.
That could be you someday.
Oh, I wish there was a way to get Lisa Loeb to hear your song.
That is a great idea.
I'll be right down there to sing it to her.
Once again, not what I was saying.
Deej, Deej, think about it, okay? She's gonna love my song, then she is gonna hook me up with her people, and then her people will become my people, and then I will be in People.
[DOOR OPENS.]
- [CAT MEOWS.]
- Okay, there's your cat.
His meow is so lovely.
I know where he gets it.
You do realize we're not related? He's a cat.
It's too late.
She's leaving.
Get her to come back.
Do something.
I'll walk you out.
Lisa Loeb! Oh! Did Dr.
Matt tell you about the promotion that we're running? What promotion? Any cat who got their shots today, and was a very good kitty, gets a free teeth cleaning.
- When did we start this? - Very recently.
Can you come back tomorrow? - I guess I could come around 3:00.
- 3:00 it is.
We have got an audition.
I mean, an appointment.
Hey, girl, hey Wait.
You want to date other people? Is this because I shaved my beard without asking your opinion? It will grow back quickly.
I'm incredibly hairy.
It's just for one night.
I need to know for sure that we're meant to be together.
Are you furious? You're furious, aren't you? Far from it.
If anything, I encourage you to test the waters.
For you will soon see that the waters are filled with old boots, the Titanic, and Aquaman.
I thought you would be more upset.
Tsk.
Upset? I'm Fernando.
Only two things make me upset social injustice and a peach with no flavor, i.
e.
nectarines.
I'm fine.
Go on your dates.
Okay, I'm going.
Are you still here? I thought you would be on your dates by now.
Go.
Fernando is not worried.
Fernando's a little bit worried.
Ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh Okay, not to beat a dead horse, but why am I here? Because I needed a ride, and all TV detectives work in pairs.
What about Kojak or Columbo? Now you're just making up words.
And if you didn't want to help me, why are you dressed like a detective in a ratty old trenchcoat? Ratty? This is my good coat.
There's our suspect.
Grab the back door in case he tries to make a run for it.
Ooh! How about I grab a sandwich, and you can do whatever you want? [BELL JINGLES.]
Good afternoon, Ethan.
Hey, Max.
What are you doing here? I'll ask the questions around here, because I carry one of these.
A Velcro wallet? Save the sob story for your country song.
How do you know Rocki? How do I know Rocki? I'd never seen her before today at your house.
I gotta go.
[BELL JINGLES.]
Thanks, I needed that.
Oh.
[MUFFLED.]
mustard in this? Because it was my sandwich.
- I didn't learn anything.
- Well, except that he was lying.
Yeah, I know he was lying.
It was obvious he was lying.
When was he lying? When you asked him how he knew Rocki.
He looked up to the left, and he repeated the question.
Those are both classic red flags for lying.
Wait.
So he definitely knows Rocki, but he doesn't want us to know why.
If we can figure that out, we've solved this case.
Let's get out of here.
How about you drive? So, uh, you really don't like my coat? It's not that I don't like it.
You got a slim structure.
Why not show it off? Ooh, la la la la [PIANO PLAYING.]
Sorry if I'm a little nervous, Corey.
I haven't dated in a while.
I hear you.
I haven't been on a date in, like, two days.
By the way, I'm an influencer.
So you're unemployed? It's more than a job.
It's a lifestyle.
It lets me feel like a celebrity without having any genuine talent or real-life notoriety.
Oh.
I guess we're taking a picture.
Okay.
Do you mind scooching to your left? You're casting a shadow on the burrata.
So, Milton, it says in your bio that you fought in the war.
That's not my bio.
That's my obituary.
Prematurely printed.
I'm a financial planner with a condo near the marina.
Oh.
I'm a party planner who lives in the attic of a house full of people I'm not actually related to.
- Chardonnay - Chardonnay - and table-side guacamole? - and table-side guacamole? I thought I was the only one who didn't trust guacamole - Unless they make it in front of you.
- There are a lot of [BOTH.]
Counterfeit avocados out there.
You are delightful.
I am.
And so are you, Andrew.
I can't believe nobody has snatched you up yet.
Andrew Carter, you're under arrest for securities fraud and racketeering.
Wait for me.
I'll be out in eight to ten.
Ooh, la la la la la - Lisa Loeb will be here any second.
- Great.
I'll get set up.
Oh, hey, Deej.
Oh, you just missed Lisa Loeb.
What? She's supposed to be here at 3:00.
Oh, yeah.
Well, she text me and asked if she could come in earlier.
That's right.
Me and the Loeb-er? We're text buddies.
No.
Why would you clean her cat's teeth? Because it was part of your promotion.
Which was part of a scheme to get Stephanie to sing to Lisa Loeb, which you knew nothing about.
What is wrong with you? [D.
J.
SIGHS.]
Oh, sorry.
No problem.
- [MAN CHUCKLES.]
- Sweet cheese.
Why is my Kirk Cameron poster walking? I-I get that a lot.
Was it the poster where I was doing this? Or was it the one where I was doing this? I have them all.
I have the one where you're doing this.
Or this.
I even have the one where you're doing this.
That one was banned in China.
[BOTH LAUGH.]
Thanks.
That was the first laugh I've had all day.
Me too.
I just had a horrible date.
I just had three.
Wow.
A multitasker.
Would you care to chance a fourth? I'd love to buy you a non-alcoholic beverage.
You have no idea how many times my poster said that to me.
Oh-oh-oh, whoa I thought my life was gonna change today.
"Write a song", they said.
"Lisa Loeb will love it", they said.
You're a singer.
You get where I'm coming from.
[STAMMERS.]
Oh, I know you're disappointed, Steph.
Lisa Loeb was here twice, and I missed it.
I don't know, Deej.
I mean, maybe this is a sign that this is just not what I'm meant to do.
Excuse me, did I leave my sunglasses here? Oh.
Yeah, here you go.
[BOTH SCREAM.]
She's back.
See, Steph? It was meant to be.
That I forgot my sunglasses? Yes.
Isn't it wonderful? - Uh, this is my sister Stephanie.
- Hi.
Uh, take a seat, Lisa Loeb.
You guys sure like to use my full name.
I also respond to just "Lisa".
Okay, Lisa Loeb.
Sorry, I tried.
I just couldn't.
Uh, hi.
I'm a really huge fan, and you have inspired me in so many ways.
Um I wrote a song for my baby, Danielle, and it would mean so much to me if you would listen to it.
Now that you mentioned your baby, I would look like a real jerk if I didn't.
[GASPS.]
Lisa Loeb is back.
Shh, shh, shh.
Stephanie's gonna sing.
What, are we having a talent show? Oh.
I'm gonna grab Oliver, my ventriloquist dummy.
When I was just six years old I threw a penny in a wishing well Mm-mm-mm-mm You're probably all wondering why I've gathered you.
Yeah, what's going on? What's this old guy in the ratty coat doing here? My mom gave me this coat.
Yeah, well, she's not doing you any favors.
I must admit, this has been a tough investigation for me and my partner.
Hey, leave me out of this, all right? I'm a full-grown man who no longer has a raincoat that he loves.
Okay, you obviously don't have anything.
This is ridiculous.
You're right.
I got nothing.
Nada.
Bupkis.
Except for the fact that you two both used to play Dungeons and Dragons together! [OTHERS GASP.]
Is this true? We were nerds, okay? Nerds! And we swore we'd never tell anyone else.
And we would've gotten away with it, too, if it weren't for you meddling kids! And this old guy who isn't anyone's dad.
Rocki, you were into D&D? Cool.
Wait.
You play? Why didn't you ever mention it? I didn't think that you'd think it was cool.
It's not.
Why do you think I never brought it up? I actually do think it's cool that my boyfriend has such an interesting hobby.
But you are a total nerd.
Yeah, well, you liked The Emoji Movie.
[WHISPERS.]
I told you that in confidence.
Okay, what's wrong with The Emoji Movie? You know, I don't know why I took the day off to hang out with you people.
I just wanna go home.
La la la, la la la la la Wait.
You're the party planner who invented the donut wall? Well, originally, it was decor in my living room, but then I brought it to a party, and people loved it.
[LAUGHS.]
You're awesome.
You know, maybe it's fate that we're both available.
Well, technically, I'm still trying to figure out if I'm available.
If you were my girlfriend, there wouldn't be any question.
Ow.
Yep, you're real.
[CHUCKLES.]
And so is my Ferrari.
Not to mention my back-up Ferrari.
Would you like to take a ride up the coast? Oh, I'd go anywhere with you, Mike Seaver.
Oh.
I mean, Kirk Cameron.
You can call me anything you want.
Just not Jason Bateman.
Ooh, la la ooh, la la la And now I'm looking at you Looking back at me And now I know exactly [BOTH.]
Where I'm supposed to be - I spent - [BOTH.]
So much time Just wishing for this dream [BOTH.]
To come true And the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow [BOTH.]
Is you Wow.
Stephanie, that was really great.
Okay.
We're up next.
Are you kidding? There's no way we could follow that.
Oh.
Oliver, don't embarrass me in front of Lisa Loeb.
[CHUCKLES.]
You're doing just fine on your own.
I can't believe I trusted you with my cat.
I'm sorry.
I'm gonna put Oliver away.
He's, uh, out of control.
No! Don't you put me back in that box! This place is really weird.
But you've got real talent.
Lisa Loeb said you have real talent.
You should be freaking out.
I know, Deej, but I'm trying to play it cool, but I can't because Lisa Loeb said I have talent.
- [GIGGLES.]
- I have some tour dates coming up, and I could use an opener.
Are you interested? Did you hear that, Steph? Lisa Loeb asked you to open for her.
Uh, I would be honored to open for you.
Did you hear that, D.
J.
? Stephanie said she'd be honored to open for Lisa Loeb! Yeah, I know you're mocking me, but I'm too excited to care! Wow.
Why is she taking so long? - Lady phone assistant - [CELL PHONE BEEPS.]
where is my Kimmy? [LADY PHONE ASSISTANT.]
I found five listings for kimchi.
[FERRARI APPROACHES.]
Here she comes.
Hello, Fernando.
I'm back from my dates.
Was that today? I totally forgot.
Hence my nonchalant pose.
Your magazine's upside down.
Because my heart is upside down.
I was distraught.
My Kimberlina was out on the town with other men and hunky teen idol Kirk Cameron.
How would you know that? Because his poster is still above your bed.
Also I was spying on you.
[FERNANDO.]
When you were with Mr.
Too-Young-For-Your-Social-Media-Influenza, I was in the painting.
When you were with Mr.
Milton, I was in the suit of armor.
When you were with Mr.
Perfect-Guacamole-Wine-Criminal Man, I was deep undercover.
But when I saw you with Mr.
Kirk Cameron, and the way you looked at him crushed my soul.
I can't believe you went to all that just to spy on me.
I had to know what was going on because I love you so much.
But if you and Kirk Cameron are meant to be together, then so be it.
Fernando.
Kirk was perfect in every way.
His wavy chestnut hair and his dimpled cheeks and his hypnotic eyes.
I knew it.
I could never compete with that.
Fernando, I have something to tell you.
Sit down.
Today I realized it was never a competition.
You've always been the one for me.
Hmm? You make my heart race every time I see you.
When we dance, time stands still.
And when I look at your eyes all I see are Ramona's eyes.
And that's how I know we are meant for each other.
My Kimberlina.
You just made me the happiest man on Earth.
One more thing.
I kept my FBI jacket.
Ooh.
Special Detective.
You have the right to remain sexy.
[CHUCKLES.]
Oh.
I guess everything worked out for Kimmy and Fernando.
Certainly looks that way.
That would explain why Jason Bateman keeps doing donuts in our driveway.
I'm Kirk Cameron! Whoa, oh-oh Hey [JEPSEN.]
One, two, three, four Oh [THEME MUSIC PLAYING.]
La la la la la la Ooh Oh