Gilmore Girls s05e08 Episode Script
The Party's Over
- I smell meat.
Is that meat?|- Why, yes, miss, it is meat.
He called me "miss.
"|There's meat and a "miss.
" I'm happy.
What's the occasion? Well, I thought we might like some|appetizers with our cocktails tonight.
- Would we ever.
|- The first batch is ready, sir.
Wonderful.
On the table, please.
- My God, this smells good.
|- I love a good steak on a stick.
- Me too.
|- We should form a club.
- Steak-on-a-Stick club.
|- We could have T-shirts made up.
Grandpa, I've never|seen you wear a T-shirt.
Well, I've just never found|a proper occasion.
- To the proper occasion.
|- I'll drink to that.
I knew I smelled something.
|You're barbecuing.
- So what?|- So what? The agreement was the girls have|drinks with you and dinner with me.
We are having drinks.
|Drinks and appetizers.
Those are not appetizers.
|Those are skewers.
- Little skewers.
|- Little, tiny skewers.
- This is not tiny.
|- Mom, that's mine.
I- This is a main course and a cheap way of cheating me|out of my dinner.
You are the most paranoid woman|I've ever met.
I highly doubt that.
You were the one who designated|the drinks portion of the evening to me.
- You love drinks.
|- Drinks last one hour at most.
Then you get the dinner portion,|which can last several hours especially the way you structure things.
You get more time.
I should at least be able to serve|appetizers with my drinks.
Fine.
I'll leave.
Have your drinks and your appetizers.
You two better be hungry|when you get inside or else.
Or else.
- Sounds serious.
|- So one more? - Well, two more at the most.
|- Yeah, 'cause she was really mad.
- Something wrong?|- No, why? Why? - You're not eating.
|- No, I'm eating.
- You've taken two bites.
|- Two really big bites.
- Rory's taken none.
|- I did.
You just missed it.
- You're full.
|- No.
He can't stick to a simple agreement.
He makes deals all the time in business,|but drinks there, dinner here somehow, that's too difficult|for him to manage.
- He was just-|- He was trying to upstage me.
He was trying to make his part|of the evening, the fun part.
He's a child, a spoiled 4-year-old.
I should take his dump truck away|and send him to bed without supper or, as he calls it, "appetizers.
" Mom, seriously, we are starving.
|Look.
Wow.
- Eat some carrots.
Eat some carrots.
|- Carrots.
Delicious.
Well, if you're both that hungry,|you must want more.
Olga, good timing.
The girls are famished.
|Load them up.
- Lorelai.
|- What? It's not me.
It's me, Grandma.
I'm sorry.
Okay.
I have to take this.
I promise I'll be quick.
Hello? Hi.
No, now is fine.
- Who is she talking to?|- How should I know? You're the one who taught her to leave|her phone on at the table.
That's for safety, Mom in case someone forces her|to eat five chickens and she has to call 911.
- She's talking to a boy, isn't she?|- I don't know.
Certainly sounds|like she's talking to a boy.
- Does she have a new boyfriend?|- Mom.
- Did she finally meet someone at Yale?|- I don't know.
Oh, of course you know.
Because I'm the one who taught her|to leave her cell phone on at the table? - Sorry, Grandma.
It won't happen again.
|- That's all right.
- So, who were you talking to?|- Dean, you remember Dean? - The boy who made you the car?|- Yup.
I didn't know you were still seeing him.
- Well, we got back together recently.
|- Really? - Well, that's a surprise, isn't it, Lorelai?|- I know.
I'm floored.
He's been working crazy shifts lately and I've had so much schoolwork|that we keep missing each other so I told him to call me tonight.
Well, thank you for telling me.
|I'm just glad I got to hear it from you and didn't have to pick it up|on the street somewhere.
'Cause you hang out on|the street so often, Mom - you and Melrose Larry Green.
|- So, are you happy with this Dean? - Yes, I am.
|- Well, good.
Now, eat up.
|We have the fish course coming.
- The fish course?|- Yes, Olga makes a mean pickled herring.
Oh, well, what a delightful skill.
Grandma's mean.
If it flew, swam, or crawled on this Earth,|we just ate it.
- I can't breathe.
|- What was that for? - Why'd you tell my mother about Dean?|- What do you mean? I was totally covering for you|with the phone call and then you waltz back in|and just tell her? - My arm is swelling up.
|- You were totally off the hook.
I was very skillfully covering for you.
|Well, not skillfully but there was a certain aplomb|to my evasiveness.
I'm not going to lie to Grandma|about Dean.
Why should I? - 'Cause she's her.
|- Mom, I am with Dean.
She's already met him.
|Grandpa's already met him.
What is the problem|besides this permanent welt on my arm? All right, fine.
You know, I'm actually hungry.
We need to talk.
The man at table three wants to send|an orange juice to the woman at table four.
As long as he's paying.
If someone who wants to eat|comes in here - I'm outie.
I got it.
|- Thank you.
Hey, Lane.
- Hi, a potential hookup at table four.
|- Oh, wow.
Diner love.
"Over easy" takes on|a whole new meaning.
- Hey, Liz!|- Hey! - I didn't know you were back.
|- Yeah, just cruised in.
- Well, how are you? How's TJ?|- He's great.
He's gotten taller.
- I'm so glad to hear it.
|- So, you and my brother, huh? - Yeah, well|- I'm so jazzed.
I want private details.
- Tell her nothing.
|- Really, nothing? Not even about|your Canadian Mountie hat? Liz, you have been sitting there|for over an hour.
- I know.
I'm almost done.
|- What're you doing? TJ and I are thinking|about buying a winter place something nice for when the|Renaissance Faire season's over.
- You're moving to Stars Hollow?|- No.
Thinking about it.
There's some great places for sale|around here.
They're not for sale.
They've all been sold.
Plus, there's a few stores around here that are willing to sell|my jewelry on consignment and I'd like a house, you know,|with a fence and a lawn.
No lawns in Stars Hollow.
|We had them taken out.
Hey, how much did you pay|for your house? Don't ask her that.
|You can't ask people questions like that.
- Why not?|- 'Cause you can't.
Don't tell her how much you paid|for your house.
- You don't want to live here.
|- Yes, I do.
- It's too quiet for you.
|- I like quiet.
You do not like quiet.
|TJ does not like quiet.
He likes monster trucks and baboons|that get really mad at the zoo.
That's true.
He does like that.
Luke, stop.
You're gonna like living|so close to your family.
Yes, I've seen how much you enjoy|living so close to yours.
- What can I get you?|- Nothing looks good.
- I'll make you a burger.
|- I don't want a burger.
Make her your gumbo.
|He makes the most amazing gumbo.
You make gumbo? - And great Mexican food.
|- Really? Makes his own tortillas.
Gotta make your own tortillas.
|The ones in the package are crap.
And garlic soup and paella.
He was really into lasagna for a while,|got obsessed made hundreds of lasagnas|trying to find the perfect recipe.
- He wore an apron-|- Okay, Liz, you don't even live here yet.
Fine.
I gotta bail, anyhow.
|TJ's meeting me at the realtor's office.
- Lorelai, it was great seeing you again.
|- You, too.
Later, bro.
- You've been holding out on me.
|- What? - Paella, gumbo, Lasagna King.
|- You know, I have many talents, okay? I know.
I mean, the way you keep that Mountie hat|perfectly balanced the entire time we're- Okay, see,|if you keep making Mountie-hat jokes you're going to eventually believe that|there's an actual Mountie hat.
Well, I'm very impressed|or at least I would be if I had any proof of these extraordinary cooking skills|of yours.
Okay, I'm gonna cook you|the most amazing meal of your life.
This weekend? Stop making the Mountie jokes,|and you're on.
- Deal.
Blueberry muffin to go.
|- You got it.
You're still picturing me in a Mountie hat,|aren't you? - How do I look?|- I'll tell you this weekend.
You cannot put those flyers in here.
I'm surprised my mother told you|that you could, but you can't so go stand on a street corner|like I had to do ages 6 through 14.
Go.
- What?|- I'm so hungry.
- What?|- It's flaxseed muffin month.
Flaxseed muffin in the morning.
|Flaxseed muffin at night.
I have trouble lifting my toothbrush.
- Okay, come here.
|- Not fast, please.
- Sit.
|- She made a lot food with flaxseed.
It last very long time.
Here.
- What are these?|- Fries.
But, Mrs.
Kim, she says the fries|are the devil's starchy fingers.
They're hot and delicious,|and they don't have any flaxseed in them.
But they are gateway food.
|They lead to harder things: pizza, movie popcorn,|deep-fried Snickers bars Welcome to America.
So now I've got three days to do this|comparative religions paper and the teaching fellow|who runs our group spends all his time explaining to us how much he disagrees|with the professor and what are you looking at? - That guy over there is staring at me.
|- Which guy? - The one in the Santa Claus red sweater.
|- Professor Prady? He'll hear you.
You think professor Prady|is looking at you? He's more than looking at me.
|God, this is so annoying.
Ever since word leaked out|about me and Asher every faculty member over 50|thinks I'm easy.
- Paris, I don't think Prady's hitting on you.
|- You are so naive.
He's practically licking his lips.
|You sleep with one old guy and, suddenly,|you're Catherine Zeta-Jones.
Hello? - Rory, it's your grandmother.
|- Oh, hey, Grandma.
- Your grandfather is here also.
|- Hello, Rory, how are you? - Fine, Grandpa, and you?|- We're wonderful.
Thank you for asking.
Rory, we're sorry to bother you at school but next Friday,|your grandfather and I agreed to host a little Yale alumni event|at our house.
It completely slipped our minds|the other night.
So we'll have to cancel our usual|Friday-night dinner.
Oh.
That's okay.
However, we were wondering|if maybe you'd like to come.
Me? The alumni like to meet|the new generation of Elis and, plus, we'd love to be able to|show you off to all our friends, wouldn't we, Emily? - Yes, we would.
|- You might even make a few connections that could come in handy|somewhere down the road.
Please, come.
|We'd hate to miss our weekly Rory fix and I promise you|there won't be any chicken.
Or steak on a stick.
Well, sure, I'd love to come.
Wonderful.
Your grandmother and I|are thrilled.
Is it fancy? What should I wear? - Oh, just pick out a pretty little dress.
|- And bring that face.
The face comes with the package.
And Rory,|I know you usually come at 7:00 but could you make it at 6:00 instead? -6.
00 is fine.
|- We'll see you Friday.
- See you Friday.
|- What's going on Friday? My grandparents are having a party.
Oh, damn it.
Dean Treadwell just came in.
He's been throwing sex daggers|out of his eyes at me all week.
- Hello.
|- Good morning.
- Chili fries.
Extra cheese and onions.
|- Thank you.
- Didn't you just say grace?|- Yes, but that was for the soda.
Kyon, tip: If you pray over|every single separate thing you eat you might never be able to leave the table.
Breakfast will run into lunch,|which will run into dinner.
- I'm telling God I'm thankful.
|- He gets it.
Do a blanket thank you and move on.
We got free passes|for Tory's band on Saturday.
- No, seriously?|- Totally seriously.
All we have to do is carry the equipment,|and we are in.
Okay, cool.
You're jazzed.
|I'll tell him it's a go? - It's a total go.
|- You free for dinner tonight? - We'll discuss it when I get home.
|- Okay, bye.
- Ladies and gentlemen, I am in escrow.
|- You're what? I am in escrow.
|I got the paperwork to prove it.
- What is he talking about?|- We bought a house.
- What?|- It's beautiful.
White.
But you just started looking.
I know.
We bought the first home we saw.
- Oh, Liz.
|- No, I'm telling you I walked into this place and just felt it.
- Felt what?|- The vibe.
That's right.
She felt the vibe,|and now I'm in escrow.
Did you at least have an inspector|look at this place? We don't need some guy with a clipboard|to tell us what we already knew which was this white house was for us.
Please, don't be worried about this.
|The place is great.
It's on a corner.
It's got room for a pool.
It's air-conditioner-ready.
|It's landscaper-ready.
It's alarm-ready.
And it's got three bedrooms|if you build on two.
- It's got a roof, right?|- Of course, it's got a roof.
And as soon as we replace it,|it won't leak as much.
- Just be happy, okay?|- Oh, sure.
That's right, buddy.
|Smile, man, 'cause I'm in escrow.
Coffee on the house.
|You like that, "on the house"? You're paying for coffee|for the entire diner? What, am I made of money? I'm in escrow.
Throw in the coffee, buddy.
|We're celebrating.
I got it.
You're not really bugged|we're moving here, are you? Does he even know|what "escrow" means? I doubt it, but he's so happy.
I'm in escrow.
Give it up, sister.
|I'm in escrow.
- So, you're off the hook.
|- Off the hook for what? Friday night,|Grandma and Grandpa are having a party for their Yale alumni friends.
- Really? This is news.
|- So you're free as a bird.
Wow, Friday night without my mother.
|I don't know if I can deal.
You might have to come over|and force-feed me pickled herring and tell me what a disappointment I am.
Hey, you want to go to the movies? - Can't.
I'm going to the party.
|- What? They asked me to.
- Okay.
I can get you out of it.
|- Mom.
Hold on just a moment.
|Let me formulate a plan.
I don't need you to formulate a plan.
|I want to go.
You don't want to go.
|You feel obligated to go.
- It's very different.
|- Mom, they're giving the party together.
Oh, I got it.
Transfer to Harvard.
- Then you won't be invited.
|- Are you listening? Rory, they're just manipulating you.
Yes, exactly: them.
|Both of them.
Together.
They called me together.
|They were on the speakerphone together which means that they were in the|same room, at the same time, together.
So what you're saying is|they were together? - Exactly.
|- Whose antennae are up besides mine? - Maybe they made up.
|- They would have told us.
- They didn't tell us they broke up.
|- But that's because it looked bad.
They didn't tell people|I was pregnant until my eighth month.
My mother kept getting|numbers for fat farms from her friends.
They sounded so happy.
|They sounded like they used to.
- Are you sure you want to go?|- I'm sure.
All right.
Don't let Grandpa|and his cronies make you sing|Whiffenpoof songs all night.
- I won't.
|- I'm sorry I'm not gonna see you on Friday.
How about I come by after?|I can stay the night.
And then you could take me shopping|on Saturday.
- I'm the lucky girI.
|- Okay, bye.
Hey, Amir,|where's this month's "Guitar Magazine?" - I wasn't done reading it yet.
|- You buy it, then you read.
What kind of bogus system is that? It's the bogus system called|"this is a magazine stand "where people come to buy,|not hang out and read for free.
" It's a long freaking name|for your bogus system, buddy.
You! You dirty, filthy devil boy!|You will pay for this! You will burn in the hellfire for this! You will swim in the sludge|with Satan's hell dogs and feed them your innards for eternity! Is this about the magazine? She is an innocent girl,|and you are a wild pig of filth! I know.
I know all you do!|You think you can hide from me that you can carry on your dirty,|filthy schemes without me finding out? - I'm really, really lost right now.
|- I heard about it.
Kyon told me.
She told me about your hands on Lane.
You put your hands on Lane.
My Lane! And before God, I swear|that you will be punished.
Because that is what happens|to all swine that walk up tall.
Okay, so, we have today,|for your dining pleasure a choice of sandwiches,|all fairly fresh, though slightly dented so as to afford me|the 80% employee discount that Taylor throws in with the paycheck.
He's a heck of a humanitarian, that Taylor.
We have a battered chicken salad a bruised tuna salad a ham that survived the|creamed-corn assault of 2004 and something gray.
- Toss that.
|- Got you.
Well, this is a very nice spread|you've assembled here.
Well, when you're dating an Ivy League|girl, you have to pull out all the stops.
- Chip pieces?|- Yes, please.
- I'm glad we got to do this today.
|- Me, too.
We haven't been able to see|each other much lately.
Well we're here now, right? Yeah, right.
- Hey, did you ever read my story?|- Which story? - The one about the Life and Death Brigade.
|- Yeah, I did.
- Do you like it?|- I did like it.
I like everything you write.
Do you think I painted the picture|interestingly enough? Because I tried to be objective|to a certain extent but it is a feature piece, so I wanted to|have some human spark, you know? - I thought it was good.
|- Nothing specific, though? You're the writer.
|I can't critique these things.
I just know that I read it|and I was interested.
Well, that's what counts.
Okay, so, let's talk about tonight.
- Let's talk about tonight.
|- Okay.
I'm going over|to my grandparents' at 6:00.
I figure I'll go in, make the rounds,|say hello, eat a cheese puff then you can meet me|outside the house at 8:30 and we can hit a movie in Hartford|or something.
I don't want you ducking out|of your grandparents' party early if it's gonna be a big thing.
- Don't you want to get together with me?|- You know I do.
Okay, then.
No more talk.
|It's settled.
8:30, out front.
I'll be the one in the party dress|with jeans in a purse.
I'll have to take a pretty big purse but desperate times|call for desperate actions.
- Deal?|- Deal.
How long have we got? Fourteen minutes|till my lunch break's over.
Okay, then.
Cheers.
- Bonjour.
|- What's all this? This is as close as you're gonna get|to me cleaning up tonight.
- Hi.
|- Hi.
Man, something smells crazy good in here.
|Oh, my god.
What are you making? Lamb-and-artichoke stew,|penne with pesto and potatoes roasted garlic with rosemary focaccia tomatoes stuffed|with bread crumbs and goat cheese and ricotta cheesecake with amaretto cookies|to go with your coffee.
- You're the perfect man.
|- Thank you.
I used to think it was Kelsey Grammer - but it's not.
It's you.
|- Finally, I'm one-upping Grammer.
- You want some wine?|- Yes, please.
Okay, so, I brought a little ambience and a little Clooney.
- George?|- Rosemary.
Oh, my God.
This is so great.
I mean, besides the fact|that it's an evening of you it's also the first Friday|in many, many moons that I'm not at my parents' house and that knowledge is giving me|a really warm, fuzzy feeling right about now.
Meaning that if, by some chance,|your meal winds up sucking I might not even notice.
Excellent to know.
To the warm and fuzzy.
Perfect.
Time to add the artichokes.
It may have choked Artie,|but it ain't gonna choke me.
- Some "Little Rascals" humor there for you.
|- I know.
You know? You are the perfect man.
Just move them so people can navigate|around them comfortably.
Not that far apart.
Not that far apart.
Good Lord, if someone needs|that much room to get around a chair they shouldn't be at a party.
|They should be on a treadmill.
- Hey, Grandma.
|- Rory.
Oh, look at you.
Will you look at her? I said look at her! - Isn't she beautiful?|- Yes, very beautiful.
I love this dress.
Very elegant.
Thanks, Grandma.
|The place looks wonderful.
There's too much blue.
It's Yale alumni.
|There can't be too much blue.
Emily, I noticed the bartenders|weren't planning on using proper martini glasses.
Well Rory, how lovely you look tonight.
Doesn't she?|This dress is divine, but you know what? My hairdresser's upstairs|in my bedroom right now.
Why don't you go on up and have her|do a little something with your hair? - My hair?|- Just for kicks.
Come on, I'll take you up.
- Richard, could you-|- I have it all under control.
Thank you.
Come on.
Oh, you're home.
|You want to talk about dinner? Sure, or about how your mom|totally attacked me today.
- What?|- I'm standing out on the street in broad daylight and, like, out of nowhere, bam,|she was in my face, crazy and screaming.
Zach, slow down.
I don't understand.
She cursed me, Lane.
|What's not to understand? She went on and on|about burning in hellfire and swimming in Satan's sludge|and hell dogs eating me and I gotta tell you, it sounded bad.
I don't understand.
Why would she- 'Cause she knows, okay?|She knows everything.
- She sees everything.
You know that.
|- She doesn't know everything, Zach.
She knows about you and me,|and she's sending me to hell for it and I gotta tell you, this is not cool.
|This is not rock 'n' roll.
- I know.
I'm sorry.
|- I don't do parents.
I'm not that guy.
Nobody brings me home to Mom|for a reason, okay? I'm a total backseat, get-in-the-closet,|jump-out-the-window dude, all the way.
I just don't understand how she found out.
I mean, it's not like|she's ever seen us together, or I know who told her.
I can't do this.
Crazy, scary, short chick|screaming at me on the street.
Zach, I'm sorry.
|I promise, it will never happen again.
- I will take care of it.
|- What about the hellhounds? I will take care of the hellhounds, too.
'Cause "hellhounds" is a cool band name,|but the positive imagery stops there.
- I got it.
It's done.
|- Okay.
Fine.
I gotta go walk by a church or something.
- Hey, this is the same stuff from the diner.
|- Yup.
You've been pilfering silverware|from the diner? - It's my diner.
|- Yes, but it's wrong.
You should have boundaries in your life.
|Leave work at work.
You need a work life and a home life,|and the silverware is your work life.
I'm so telling Dr.
Phil on you.
Luke, you in there? Open up.
Luke! What the- - You're home.
Good.
|- Don't come in.
- She's your sister, Luke.
Your sister.
|- TJ, this is really not- You know how many people|told me not to get married? They said women make you crazy they burrow into your head,|and you can't get them out.
Women suck! Oh, hey, Lorelai.
- How're you doing, TJ?|- I'm assuming you guys had a fight.
Not just a fight,|a whammo monster of a fight.
It was like Jake LaMotta and I was that blond chick|he was married to.
You'll make up.
Bye.
I mean, you'd think I took a shot|at the Pope the way she talked to me! I'm sorry I didn't hear|when she asked for the beer and preset station numbers|are there for a reason! Okay, look at the table|and the candles, okay? - This is not a good time.
|- You're telling me? I'm in escrow.
- Okay, hold on.
Go stir the sauce.
|- Me? But I can't cook.
It's not cooking.
It's stirring.
No, I'm not good with big spoons|unless there's ice cream on the end.
Okay.
TJ, what is this all about? She's crazy, man! She goes nuts, and she yells at me like There's a register that her voice reaches|when she yells that only a freaking dog can hear,|but her face is so twisted and contorted that you know she's hit that register,|and it's amazing.
It should be on the Discovery Channel,|or something.
Excuse me.
How fast am I supposed|to be stirring here? Just keep it from sticking.
Look, I am really sorry you had a fight,|but you're married now.
You can't run out every time|you have a disagreement.
- Now, go on back.
|- I can't go back.
- TJ.
|- I'm not ready.
- It's all too fresh!|- It's bubbling and turning brown.
- It's fine.
|- But what constitutes sticking? You can't ruin it.
I can.
I have powers.
Once, the Barefoot Contessa|was making a soufflé and it fell.
She looked out the TV and said,|"Gilmore, was that you?" You gotta go, man.
- Just let me hang out here.
|- No! Just for a little while,|right in here in the corner, very quiet.
You won't notice me at all.
|Church mouse, buddy.
- I'm getting carpal tunnel syndrome.
|- I got it.
He just needs a minute.
Oh, yes, that's very nice.
I love the lashes.
- Grandma, this is really nice, but-|- Just a little more cheeks.
Shouldn't we be getting down|to the party? Yes, one more minute now.
Let's see here.
- This might do it.
|- Grandma, I couldn't.
Diamond necklaces were invented|to be worn.
They're doing nobody any good|just sitting in a box.
- Perfect.
Do you like it?|- Well, yes, it's beautiful, but- - It needs earrings.
I agree.
|- No, it's fine on its own, really.
Your grandfather bought me|these earrings on our first trip to Denmark.
He swears he bought them off|the ne'er-do-well brother of the King who stole them from the Queen.
- Have you ever heard such a thing?|- No.
I have a wonderful idea.
|Have you ever worn a tiara? Well, when I was four.
- You look like a princess.
|- Grandma, are you sure you want me wearing all this stuff? They must be very expensive,|and if something should happen- Nothing's going to happen,|and, yes, you look exactly the way I want my granddaughter to look|to all our guests.
- Shall we?|- Okay.
It's going to be a wonderful evening.
Everyone, here's Rory.
You look absolutely royal.
- It's probably the crown.
|- Emily, you did a fine job.
Thank you, Richard.
Rory, I'd like you|to meet Min and Argus Head and their son Andrew.
|Andrew, this is my granddaughter, Rory.
- Nice to meet you.
|- Nice to meet you, too.
Andrew will be at Yale law next year.
- Isn't that wonderful?|- It is, especially if you want to be a lawyer.
She's a pistol, this one.
Well, we need to make the rounds.
|You two could talk more later.
- It was nice to meet you.
|- You, too.
Rory, we'd like you|to meet Tiana and Chase Anderson and their son, Donnen.
- It's a pleasure to meet you.
|- You, too.
Donnen is going to run|his father's shipping business one day.
Our own Aristotle Onassis|with infinitely better table manners.
Nothing's written in stone yet.
We'll see what sort of pension plan|the company has and then Rory's going to be a journalist,|take the world by storm.
- The two of you should talk later.
|- Definitely.
- Okay, well-|- Oh, Rory.
Bunny and Napoleon Barnes,|and their son Kip.
- Nice to meet you.
|- Oh, hi, Kip.
It's nice to meet you.
- Kip is captain of the polo team.
|- Hell of a player.
Give those Windsor boys|a run for their money.
William and Harry are good guys,|decent horsemen terrible bridge players.
Kip, will you excuse us for a minute?|I need to talk to my grandparents.
It was nice to meet you,|Mr.
and Mrs.
Barnes.
- Make sure you two talk later.
|- Yes, ma'am.
Yes, Rory? - Are you enjoying the party?|- The party's very nice, Grandma.
I was just wondering do your alumni friends|have any daughters? Daughters? What do you mean? Well, I was just noticing|that there are a lot of boys here but not that many girls.
Really? Why, I hadn't noticed.
- Did you notice, Emily?|- Why, no, I hadn't.
Well, I will have to pay more attention|to the guest list next time - won't I, Richard?|- Yes, you will.
I promise you, we will throw another party|just for our friends with girls.
- But in the meantime-|- The Campbell boy is here.
Oh, good.
Let's go.
|Campbell, like the soup.
Oh, my God.
This is good.
|I mean, this is seriously good.
Glad you like it.
- How you doing, TJ?|- I just need a minute.
- He said that 35 minutes ago.
|- Well, he's not crying now, so- - I want him to leave.
|- I know.
He will.
You sure there's nothing I can do for you? - Just 30 seconds.
That should do it.
|- Would you like something to eat, TJ? Why are you asking him|if he wants something to eat? He's been sitting there for a half an hour.
|He might be hungry.
He said 30 seconds.
You're gonna make|the 30 seconds go longer.
- TJ, we've got plenty.
|- That's very kind of you, Lorelai.
I appreciate it,|being in escrow and everything.
But I don't want to interrupt your evening.
As soon as I gather myself, I'll be going.
|Ten more minutes? Look, you can go AMG,|but you're still going stock Mercedes.
Okay, are you seriously knocking|493 horses at 6,100 rpm coming out of a 5.
5 liter, 24-valve V-8? - Okay, let's say you go with the SL55.
|- I'm sorry.
Would you all excuse me for just a- Yeah, sure.
So, the SL55.
Look, at least go aftermarket on its ass.
For all this? - I told you.
|- You told me what? Whatever is happening at that party|you got roped into tonight, I told you.
Do you want to hear,|or do you just want to gloat? Well, I'm a multitasker.
So I get here, and Grandma|immediately whisked me upstairs where her hairdresser|and her makeup artist are waiting to make a new me.
'Cause the old you is so last season.
Then I come downstairs|to find that the guests are all Yale friends|of Grandma and Grandpa and their sons.
- What?|- No girls.
All boys and me.
- You're kidding.
|- Nope.
I feel like I'm being auctioned off.
- They suck.
My parents suck.
|- This is a very silly picture.
They know you're with Dean|'cause, by the way, you told them.
It's okay.
I just thought you'd like to know.
- Do you have a pencil?|- Why? Because there are 12 ways out|of that house that they don't know about.
Write this down.
First, the basement.
|It's a little dusty but almost foolproof.
If you can't get there grab a screwdriver and jimmy|the back of my mother's closet.
- There's a false back.
|- Mom.
And if they haven't trimmed the trees yet,|the second guest bathroom window opens out onto the massive elm,|and you could shimmy right down.
I am not going to shimmy.
|I don't need to sneak out.
It's fine.
Dean is picking me up at 8:30.
- I can manage till then.
|- They played you, kid.
- Yeah, I know.
|- I hate that they did that.
Well, it's done.
Okay, I should go.
In this crowd, they will definitely|notice me missing.
I'll see you later.
- Bye, hon.
|- What's the matter? Nothing a little patricide won't solve.
Oh, hello, I'd like|to speak to Richard and Emily.
I'd like to speak to|Richard and Emily Gilmore.
Is there someone there who speaks|English? I hear English in the background.
Oh, right there, I heard the word "salmon.
" Could you pass the phone|to the person who said "salmon"? "Salmon.
" It's a fish.
It swims - Is he here?|- Yes.
Get him out, please.
- Emily Gilmore.
"Señora" Emily Gilmore.
|- TJ, come on.
Let's go.
- I cannot deal with you right now.
|- You can't just barge in here like this.
I did not barge.
|Do not accuse me of barging.
- You are ruining their evening.
|- No, I am not.
I'm just sitting here.
I'm not saying anything.
Okay, will you two|just go downstairs and talk, please? - You are unbelievable, you know that?|- I do, as a matter of fact! I hadn't even come out of the bedroom,|and you'd gone! I wasn't gonna stick around|so you could yell at me.
Okay, this is enough! The both of you|just have to shut up right now! - I've got neighbors.
|- You don't even have your shoes on.
- I've got shoes on.
|- You've got my shoes on! Oh, so I guess all that|"what's mine is yours" - was just a bunch of crap, also!|- You know what? I am fed up with you and the drama! I can't take it! My head's gonna explode from all your freaking scenes|and your tantrums.
- My tantrums?|- I cannot look at you.
Liz, what are you|You go get her out of there.
Nope, that's exactly what she wants.
- Okay, never mind.
I'll call back.
Bye.
|- TJ.
Damn, I had almost gotten|myself together.
- Now I have to start all over.
|- She's in the bathroom.
Okay, you go try to calm him down,|and I'll see if I can talk to her.
You were right.
Having family near is fun.
Rory? I'm Jordan.
|Your grandmother sent me over here.
Apparently, we're made for each other.
Oh, gee.
Well, how convenient.
There's nothing like having your family|playing matchmaker.
- How old are you?|- Me? I'm almost 20.
All right, good.
|Just making sure everything's legal.
- You need a drink?|- No, not a drink.
Why? Do you get a little crazy|when you drink? - Yes, that's it.
|- I'd like to see that.
Rory, there you are.
|I've been looking everywhere for you.
I'm late.
I'm sorry.
Don't be mad.
|Logan Huntzberger.
Jordan Chase.
Good to meet you.
|Thanks for keeping my girl busy.
If you hadn't, she would've noticed|exactly how late I am and then she might've left,|and that would've been very, very bad.
- Excuse me.
I'm sorry.
You're with her?|- Going on a year and a half.
Great, then what the hell am I doing here? Thank you.
- You looked cornered.
|- I was.
Well, I'm glad to be of service.
- Man, I hate these parties.
|- Not really my bag, either.
But at least the bar is stocked and I must say,|your grandmother has excellent food.
- Wait, my grandmother?|- Logan, how are you, son? - I'm very well, sir, and yourself?|- I'm fit as a fiddle.
It's good to see you.
- Are your parents here?|- Wandering around here somewhere.
Mom is obsessed|with Emily's new draperies.
Yes, Emily has exquisite taste in fabrics.
All right, Rory,|since I see that you are in capable hands I will make another round|and end up at the bar.
- It's been good to see you, Richard.
|- Good to see you, Logan.
You know my grandparents.
My folks are good friends|with Richard and Emily.
Okay, so, lesson one|in coping with painfully boring parties: - Form a sub-party.
|- Where are you going? - Finn!|- Finn's here? Finn! - You rang?|- Time for a change of venue.
Oh, fantastic.
Do I know you? - Is my mother here?|- No, she's at Mrs.
Cho's house.
Mrs.
Cho thinks that she lost her faith,|and Mrs.
Kim went to give it back to her.
Good.
Why did you rat me out|to my mother? - Rat you out?|- You told her about Zach.
- The boy you hugged?|- Yes, you told her.
I'm just a little mystified|as to, well, why you would do that.
- Mrs.
Kim has taken me in.
|- No, I took you in.
You came to me starving,|and I gave you fries.
- You did like the fries, right?|- Very, very much.
Okay, so, that is what we call here|in America a bonding thing.
I gave you the fries and you are not supposed to tell on me|to my mother.
- But what am I supposed to do?|- Nothing.
You say nothing and do nothing.
- But she would know.
|- She would know what? She would know I lie.
She would know I'm ungrateful|and I keep a secret from her.
- How would she know?|- She know.
- No, she no know.
She's not magic.
|- Yes, she is.
She read thoughts and hand gestures.
Come here.
If you want, I can help you.
Help me? What do you do every Sunday|between noon and 4:00? - I study.
|- And then? And then I wait for Mrs.
Kim to get home from her Crochet for Christ group|with her sister.
Okay, and what do you do|while you're waiting? Nothing.
I sit quietly.
Okay.
Now, wouldn't you rather,|let's say, watch some television while you're waiting|for my mother to get home? - I cannot.
|- Why? Mrs.
Kim does not want me|to watch the television.
- And how would she know?|- Because there's a little machine in the television set - that will tell her what I watch.
|- Ha! - What, "ha"?|- That machine does not exist.
- It does not?|- Nope.
Took me 15 years to figure it out,|but that's the truth.
So, she cannot know? She also cannot smell fast food on you,|even after you've showered.
- She can't?|- And she can't tell how many times|you've opened your Bible - by staring at your palm.
|- My head spins.
You don't have to hand out|all of those religious flyers she gives you.
Just post enough of them|around her regular route home - and she'll think the job is done.
|- I think I need lie down.
It's a whole new world, Kyon a world I fought long and hard|to figure out and I'm willing|to pass all my knowledge on to you.
So, I can eat fries, watch TV if I get home early|from not giving out my flyers? I wouldn't bring the fries into the house.
|She has a really good nose.
But you're thinking big.
And I respect that.
I can watch the TV.
Stick with me, kid and I'll have you wearing|lip gloss within a month.
Why don't you just talk to me? Emily and Richard Gilmore.
Oh, come on.
I know you speak English.
|I heard you yell "salmon" earlier.
My mother put you up to this.
Fine.
- What are they doing in there?|- Fighting? And how long can you fight|in an 8 by 10 room? Well, maybe they're not fighting.
|Maybe they're having angry make-up sex.
Oh, that makes me feel much better.
|Thank you.
- Sorry about dinner.
|- Dinner was great.
It was delicious and interactive.
How about this? How about this? Okay, I don't know how long|this is gonna continue.
We could set fire to the place.
|Smoke them out.
Listen, you don't have to sit here.
|I'll deal with this.
You go home.
- You sure?|- Yup.
They are my family.
Yippee.
I'll deal with it.
You take this and go home and we will try again tomorrow.
Wow.
My own cheesecake? No man's ever given me|a whole cheesecake before.
You remember that.
Hey, maybe when I get home,|I'll stir something seeing as I'm so good at it.
Thanks for dinner.
Thank you for not being related to me.
- That came out wrong.
|- No, I got it.
- Good night.
|- Night.
Preset station numbers|are there for a reason! Gilmore, your grandfather|has appalling taste in scotch.
I think you should go on inside|and tell him.
If he hasn't learned by now,|I certainly can't teach him.
Colin, make sure you refill|that bottle with something.
- Don't want Ace over here to get busted.
|- I know.
I know.
- Refill?|- Sure.
Why not? Because drinking is bad.
It's very, very bad,|and we're bad for doing it.
Spank me.
I think the hangover tomorrow|will be punishment enough.
She hasn't had enough champagne, Logan.
Hey, listen, I forgot to tell you,|I read the article.
- You did?|- Yup, not bad.
Thank you.
You caught the spirit of the thing.
|I'll give you that.
- But-|- No, no buts.
You got a good style.
There were a few too many similes in it|for my taste but it definitely had a little Joseph|Mitchell thing going for it.
I liked it.
I'm surprised you even bothered to read it.
Are you? - So, who's it gonna be?|- What? Well, this shindig's|an obvious meat market.
I got the feeling your grandparents|are expecting you to choose someone tonight, so Oh, well Me.
Pick me.
- No, pick me.
|- Pick me.
- But I'm exotic.
|- So is the Asian bird flu.
Wow.
A roomful of guys|and still extremely slim pickings.
Well, I don't know.
|It's a pretty tough choice.
Maybe I should let my boyfriend|help me choose.
- You have a boyfriend?|- I'm crushed.
Ain't it always the way? - Do Richard and Emily know about this?|- Yeah, they do.
They're just trying to make sure|you got backup? No, they're just Oh, no.
What time is it? - It's crying time.
|-8:45.
Dean is meeting me at 8:30.
- Where?|- Here.
Out front.
- Dean.
Is this the boyfriend?|- Yes, it's the boyfriend.
- Well, we gotta see this guy.
|- What? See who the man is who's won your heart,|gotta make sure he's good enough.
- But-|- Let's go, boys.
You're the brother.
Coming? Yeah! Dean, hi.
I'm sorry.
|Have you been waiting long? I didn't have a watch,|and we were in the pool house.
These are some friends.
|They go to Yale with me and they know my grandparents.
The party was so boring, so we Is that a new shirt? 'Cause I like it.
What am I doing here, Rory? You're picking me up.
I don't belong here.
Not anymore do I? Dean.
You look good.
You'll be okay.
No, I won't.
Okay, that's it.
|Back to the pool house, men.
We have some serious bucking up|to do here.
- I swiped some scotch.
|- I'll reenact "The Passion of the Christ.
" Come on, Ace.
Nothing ever seems quite as bad|after Finn's "Passion of the Christ " except Finn's "Passion of the Christ.
" Dude's got a little bit of a spanking thing! - Gilmore residence.
|- Hello? Oh, you speak English.
Thank God.
|Is Emily Gilmore there, please? It's for you, Mrs.
Gilmore.
- Hello?|- Hi, Mom, it's me.
Well, hello, Lorelai.
How are you? I'm fine.
|Can I talk to you and Dad for a minute? - Your father's paying the caterers.
|- Well, this will just take a minute.
Could you maybe go in the study|on the speakerphone - seriously, just one minute?|- All right, hold on.
All right, we're both here.
- Hello, Lorelai.
What can we do for you?|- I just wanted to touch base with you about this little party|you threw for Rory tonight.
The party was not for Rory.
|It was for our Yale alumni.
Oh, it was not.
|It was a trick, and you know it and I know it,|so let's just know it together.
- What do you want, Lorelai?|- You lied to your granddaughter tonight.
You lied to a kid who trusted you.
|You tricked her.
- It was a party.
|- It was a mating ritual.
- What are you talking about?|- All boys, Mom? Seriously? What is that all about? It's good for her to interact with her peers.
Lorelai, Rory is in a new phase|of her life now and she needs to be exposed|to different things different people.
|That's all we were trying to do.
- She has a boyfriend.
|- Oh, so what? So she has a boyfriend which means|she doesn't need another one.
She's 20 years old, Lorelai.
She is not going to be|with that boy forever.
That's right,|and when she's ready to move on she'll have met some nice young man who will represent|the new phase in her life.
I am sure|that Dean is a very nice young man but he is certainly not good enough|for Rory.
- That's right.
|- Now she is young but young people need guidance and since you seem so little help|in this department we have to step in.
Well, step on out again|because this is none of your business.
Lorelai, I am tired.
And the caterers have caked the floor|with something sticky and I don't have time for this.
We want more for her, period.
Now, obviously, it's too late for you,|but it is not too late for Rory.
And we are going to make sure|she has the life she deserves.
It doesn't matter what you think of me.
|Rory will choose her own path in life and there's nothing|either one of you can do about it.
- I'm hanging up.
|- Well, me, too.
Did you listen to him at all?|Did you hear a word he said? Whoa, hey! So you need some help there? Bye.
English
Is that meat?|- Why, yes, miss, it is meat.
He called me "miss.
"|There's meat and a "miss.
" I'm happy.
What's the occasion? Well, I thought we might like some|appetizers with our cocktails tonight.
- Would we ever.
|- The first batch is ready, sir.
Wonderful.
On the table, please.
- My God, this smells good.
|- I love a good steak on a stick.
- Me too.
|- We should form a club.
- Steak-on-a-Stick club.
|- We could have T-shirts made up.
Grandpa, I've never|seen you wear a T-shirt.
Well, I've just never found|a proper occasion.
- To the proper occasion.
|- I'll drink to that.
I knew I smelled something.
|You're barbecuing.
- So what?|- So what? The agreement was the girls have|drinks with you and dinner with me.
We are having drinks.
|Drinks and appetizers.
Those are not appetizers.
|Those are skewers.
- Little skewers.
|- Little, tiny skewers.
- This is not tiny.
|- Mom, that's mine.
I- This is a main course and a cheap way of cheating me|out of my dinner.
You are the most paranoid woman|I've ever met.
I highly doubt that.
You were the one who designated|the drinks portion of the evening to me.
- You love drinks.
|- Drinks last one hour at most.
Then you get the dinner portion,|which can last several hours especially the way you structure things.
You get more time.
I should at least be able to serve|appetizers with my drinks.
Fine.
I'll leave.
Have your drinks and your appetizers.
You two better be hungry|when you get inside or else.
Or else.
- Sounds serious.
|- So one more? - Well, two more at the most.
|- Yeah, 'cause she was really mad.
- Something wrong?|- No, why? Why? - You're not eating.
|- No, I'm eating.
- You've taken two bites.
|- Two really big bites.
- Rory's taken none.
|- I did.
You just missed it.
- You're full.
|- No.
He can't stick to a simple agreement.
He makes deals all the time in business,|but drinks there, dinner here somehow, that's too difficult|for him to manage.
- He was just-|- He was trying to upstage me.
He was trying to make his part|of the evening, the fun part.
He's a child, a spoiled 4-year-old.
I should take his dump truck away|and send him to bed without supper or, as he calls it, "appetizers.
" Mom, seriously, we are starving.
|Look.
Wow.
- Eat some carrots.
Eat some carrots.
|- Carrots.
Delicious.
Well, if you're both that hungry,|you must want more.
Olga, good timing.
The girls are famished.
|Load them up.
- Lorelai.
|- What? It's not me.
It's me, Grandma.
I'm sorry.
Okay.
I have to take this.
I promise I'll be quick.
Hello? Hi.
No, now is fine.
- Who is she talking to?|- How should I know? You're the one who taught her to leave|her phone on at the table.
That's for safety, Mom in case someone forces her|to eat five chickens and she has to call 911.
- She's talking to a boy, isn't she?|- I don't know.
Certainly sounds|like she's talking to a boy.
- Does she have a new boyfriend?|- Mom.
- Did she finally meet someone at Yale?|- I don't know.
Oh, of course you know.
Because I'm the one who taught her|to leave her cell phone on at the table? - Sorry, Grandma.
It won't happen again.
|- That's all right.
- So, who were you talking to?|- Dean, you remember Dean? - The boy who made you the car?|- Yup.
I didn't know you were still seeing him.
- Well, we got back together recently.
|- Really? - Well, that's a surprise, isn't it, Lorelai?|- I know.
I'm floored.
He's been working crazy shifts lately and I've had so much schoolwork|that we keep missing each other so I told him to call me tonight.
Well, thank you for telling me.
|I'm just glad I got to hear it from you and didn't have to pick it up|on the street somewhere.
'Cause you hang out on|the street so often, Mom - you and Melrose Larry Green.
|- So, are you happy with this Dean? - Yes, I am.
|- Well, good.
Now, eat up.
|We have the fish course coming.
- The fish course?|- Yes, Olga makes a mean pickled herring.
Oh, well, what a delightful skill.
Grandma's mean.
If it flew, swam, or crawled on this Earth,|we just ate it.
- I can't breathe.
|- What was that for? - Why'd you tell my mother about Dean?|- What do you mean? I was totally covering for you|with the phone call and then you waltz back in|and just tell her? - My arm is swelling up.
|- You were totally off the hook.
I was very skillfully covering for you.
|Well, not skillfully but there was a certain aplomb|to my evasiveness.
I'm not going to lie to Grandma|about Dean.
Why should I? - 'Cause she's her.
|- Mom, I am with Dean.
She's already met him.
|Grandpa's already met him.
What is the problem|besides this permanent welt on my arm? All right, fine.
You know, I'm actually hungry.
We need to talk.
The man at table three wants to send|an orange juice to the woman at table four.
As long as he's paying.
If someone who wants to eat|comes in here - I'm outie.
I got it.
|- Thank you.
Hey, Lane.
- Hi, a potential hookup at table four.
|- Oh, wow.
Diner love.
"Over easy" takes on|a whole new meaning.
- Hey, Liz!|- Hey! - I didn't know you were back.
|- Yeah, just cruised in.
- Well, how are you? How's TJ?|- He's great.
He's gotten taller.
- I'm so glad to hear it.
|- So, you and my brother, huh? - Yeah, well|- I'm so jazzed.
I want private details.
- Tell her nothing.
|- Really, nothing? Not even about|your Canadian Mountie hat? Liz, you have been sitting there|for over an hour.
- I know.
I'm almost done.
|- What're you doing? TJ and I are thinking|about buying a winter place something nice for when the|Renaissance Faire season's over.
- You're moving to Stars Hollow?|- No.
Thinking about it.
There's some great places for sale|around here.
They're not for sale.
They've all been sold.
Plus, there's a few stores around here that are willing to sell|my jewelry on consignment and I'd like a house, you know,|with a fence and a lawn.
No lawns in Stars Hollow.
|We had them taken out.
Hey, how much did you pay|for your house? Don't ask her that.
|You can't ask people questions like that.
- Why not?|- 'Cause you can't.
Don't tell her how much you paid|for your house.
- You don't want to live here.
|- Yes, I do.
- It's too quiet for you.
|- I like quiet.
You do not like quiet.
|TJ does not like quiet.
He likes monster trucks and baboons|that get really mad at the zoo.
That's true.
He does like that.
Luke, stop.
You're gonna like living|so close to your family.
Yes, I've seen how much you enjoy|living so close to yours.
- What can I get you?|- Nothing looks good.
- I'll make you a burger.
|- I don't want a burger.
Make her your gumbo.
|He makes the most amazing gumbo.
You make gumbo? - And great Mexican food.
|- Really? Makes his own tortillas.
Gotta make your own tortillas.
|The ones in the package are crap.
And garlic soup and paella.
He was really into lasagna for a while,|got obsessed made hundreds of lasagnas|trying to find the perfect recipe.
- He wore an apron-|- Okay, Liz, you don't even live here yet.
Fine.
I gotta bail, anyhow.
|TJ's meeting me at the realtor's office.
- Lorelai, it was great seeing you again.
|- You, too.
Later, bro.
- You've been holding out on me.
|- What? - Paella, gumbo, Lasagna King.
|- You know, I have many talents, okay? I know.
I mean, the way you keep that Mountie hat|perfectly balanced the entire time we're- Okay, see,|if you keep making Mountie-hat jokes you're going to eventually believe that|there's an actual Mountie hat.
Well, I'm very impressed|or at least I would be if I had any proof of these extraordinary cooking skills|of yours.
Okay, I'm gonna cook you|the most amazing meal of your life.
This weekend? Stop making the Mountie jokes,|and you're on.
- Deal.
Blueberry muffin to go.
|- You got it.
You're still picturing me in a Mountie hat,|aren't you? - How do I look?|- I'll tell you this weekend.
You cannot put those flyers in here.
I'm surprised my mother told you|that you could, but you can't so go stand on a street corner|like I had to do ages 6 through 14.
Go.
- What?|- I'm so hungry.
- What?|- It's flaxseed muffin month.
Flaxseed muffin in the morning.
|Flaxseed muffin at night.
I have trouble lifting my toothbrush.
- Okay, come here.
|- Not fast, please.
- Sit.
|- She made a lot food with flaxseed.
It last very long time.
Here.
- What are these?|- Fries.
But, Mrs.
Kim, she says the fries|are the devil's starchy fingers.
They're hot and delicious,|and they don't have any flaxseed in them.
But they are gateway food.
|They lead to harder things: pizza, movie popcorn,|deep-fried Snickers bars Welcome to America.
So now I've got three days to do this|comparative religions paper and the teaching fellow|who runs our group spends all his time explaining to us how much he disagrees|with the professor and what are you looking at? - That guy over there is staring at me.
|- Which guy? - The one in the Santa Claus red sweater.
|- Professor Prady? He'll hear you.
You think professor Prady|is looking at you? He's more than looking at me.
|God, this is so annoying.
Ever since word leaked out|about me and Asher every faculty member over 50|thinks I'm easy.
- Paris, I don't think Prady's hitting on you.
|- You are so naive.
He's practically licking his lips.
|You sleep with one old guy and, suddenly,|you're Catherine Zeta-Jones.
Hello? - Rory, it's your grandmother.
|- Oh, hey, Grandma.
- Your grandfather is here also.
|- Hello, Rory, how are you? - Fine, Grandpa, and you?|- We're wonderful.
Thank you for asking.
Rory, we're sorry to bother you at school but next Friday,|your grandfather and I agreed to host a little Yale alumni event|at our house.
It completely slipped our minds|the other night.
So we'll have to cancel our usual|Friday-night dinner.
Oh.
That's okay.
However, we were wondering|if maybe you'd like to come.
Me? The alumni like to meet|the new generation of Elis and, plus, we'd love to be able to|show you off to all our friends, wouldn't we, Emily? - Yes, we would.
|- You might even make a few connections that could come in handy|somewhere down the road.
Please, come.
|We'd hate to miss our weekly Rory fix and I promise you|there won't be any chicken.
Or steak on a stick.
Well, sure, I'd love to come.
Wonderful.
Your grandmother and I|are thrilled.
Is it fancy? What should I wear? - Oh, just pick out a pretty little dress.
|- And bring that face.
The face comes with the package.
And Rory,|I know you usually come at 7:00 but could you make it at 6:00 instead? -6.
00 is fine.
|- We'll see you Friday.
- See you Friday.
|- What's going on Friday? My grandparents are having a party.
Oh, damn it.
Dean Treadwell just came in.
He's been throwing sex daggers|out of his eyes at me all week.
- Hello.
|- Good morning.
- Chili fries.
Extra cheese and onions.
|- Thank you.
- Didn't you just say grace?|- Yes, but that was for the soda.
Kyon, tip: If you pray over|every single separate thing you eat you might never be able to leave the table.
Breakfast will run into lunch,|which will run into dinner.
- I'm telling God I'm thankful.
|- He gets it.
Do a blanket thank you and move on.
We got free passes|for Tory's band on Saturday.
- No, seriously?|- Totally seriously.
All we have to do is carry the equipment,|and we are in.
Okay, cool.
You're jazzed.
|I'll tell him it's a go? - It's a total go.
|- You free for dinner tonight? - We'll discuss it when I get home.
|- Okay, bye.
- Ladies and gentlemen, I am in escrow.
|- You're what? I am in escrow.
|I got the paperwork to prove it.
- What is he talking about?|- We bought a house.
- What?|- It's beautiful.
White.
But you just started looking.
I know.
We bought the first home we saw.
- Oh, Liz.
|- No, I'm telling you I walked into this place and just felt it.
- Felt what?|- The vibe.
That's right.
She felt the vibe,|and now I'm in escrow.
Did you at least have an inspector|look at this place? We don't need some guy with a clipboard|to tell us what we already knew which was this white house was for us.
Please, don't be worried about this.
|The place is great.
It's on a corner.
It's got room for a pool.
It's air-conditioner-ready.
|It's landscaper-ready.
It's alarm-ready.
And it's got three bedrooms|if you build on two.
- It's got a roof, right?|- Of course, it's got a roof.
And as soon as we replace it,|it won't leak as much.
- Just be happy, okay?|- Oh, sure.
That's right, buddy.
|Smile, man, 'cause I'm in escrow.
Coffee on the house.
|You like that, "on the house"? You're paying for coffee|for the entire diner? What, am I made of money? I'm in escrow.
Throw in the coffee, buddy.
|We're celebrating.
I got it.
You're not really bugged|we're moving here, are you? Does he even know|what "escrow" means? I doubt it, but he's so happy.
I'm in escrow.
Give it up, sister.
|I'm in escrow.
- So, you're off the hook.
|- Off the hook for what? Friday night,|Grandma and Grandpa are having a party for their Yale alumni friends.
- Really? This is news.
|- So you're free as a bird.
Wow, Friday night without my mother.
|I don't know if I can deal.
You might have to come over|and force-feed me pickled herring and tell me what a disappointment I am.
Hey, you want to go to the movies? - Can't.
I'm going to the party.
|- What? They asked me to.
- Okay.
I can get you out of it.
|- Mom.
Hold on just a moment.
|Let me formulate a plan.
I don't need you to formulate a plan.
|I want to go.
You don't want to go.
|You feel obligated to go.
- It's very different.
|- Mom, they're giving the party together.
Oh, I got it.
Transfer to Harvard.
- Then you won't be invited.
|- Are you listening? Rory, they're just manipulating you.
Yes, exactly: them.
|Both of them.
Together.
They called me together.
|They were on the speakerphone together which means that they were in the|same room, at the same time, together.
So what you're saying is|they were together? - Exactly.
|- Whose antennae are up besides mine? - Maybe they made up.
|- They would have told us.
- They didn't tell us they broke up.
|- But that's because it looked bad.
They didn't tell people|I was pregnant until my eighth month.
My mother kept getting|numbers for fat farms from her friends.
They sounded so happy.
|They sounded like they used to.
- Are you sure you want to go?|- I'm sure.
All right.
Don't let Grandpa|and his cronies make you sing|Whiffenpoof songs all night.
- I won't.
|- I'm sorry I'm not gonna see you on Friday.
How about I come by after?|I can stay the night.
And then you could take me shopping|on Saturday.
- I'm the lucky girI.
|- Okay, bye.
Hey, Amir,|where's this month's "Guitar Magazine?" - I wasn't done reading it yet.
|- You buy it, then you read.
What kind of bogus system is that? It's the bogus system called|"this is a magazine stand "where people come to buy,|not hang out and read for free.
" It's a long freaking name|for your bogus system, buddy.
You! You dirty, filthy devil boy!|You will pay for this! You will burn in the hellfire for this! You will swim in the sludge|with Satan's hell dogs and feed them your innards for eternity! Is this about the magazine? She is an innocent girl,|and you are a wild pig of filth! I know.
I know all you do!|You think you can hide from me that you can carry on your dirty,|filthy schemes without me finding out? - I'm really, really lost right now.
|- I heard about it.
Kyon told me.
She told me about your hands on Lane.
You put your hands on Lane.
My Lane! And before God, I swear|that you will be punished.
Because that is what happens|to all swine that walk up tall.
Okay, so, we have today,|for your dining pleasure a choice of sandwiches,|all fairly fresh, though slightly dented so as to afford me|the 80% employee discount that Taylor throws in with the paycheck.
He's a heck of a humanitarian, that Taylor.
We have a battered chicken salad a bruised tuna salad a ham that survived the|creamed-corn assault of 2004 and something gray.
- Toss that.
|- Got you.
Well, this is a very nice spread|you've assembled here.
Well, when you're dating an Ivy League|girl, you have to pull out all the stops.
- Chip pieces?|- Yes, please.
- I'm glad we got to do this today.
|- Me, too.
We haven't been able to see|each other much lately.
Well we're here now, right? Yeah, right.
- Hey, did you ever read my story?|- Which story? - The one about the Life and Death Brigade.
|- Yeah, I did.
- Do you like it?|- I did like it.
I like everything you write.
Do you think I painted the picture|interestingly enough? Because I tried to be objective|to a certain extent but it is a feature piece, so I wanted to|have some human spark, you know? - I thought it was good.
|- Nothing specific, though? You're the writer.
|I can't critique these things.
I just know that I read it|and I was interested.
Well, that's what counts.
Okay, so, let's talk about tonight.
- Let's talk about tonight.
|- Okay.
I'm going over|to my grandparents' at 6:00.
I figure I'll go in, make the rounds,|say hello, eat a cheese puff then you can meet me|outside the house at 8:30 and we can hit a movie in Hartford|or something.
I don't want you ducking out|of your grandparents' party early if it's gonna be a big thing.
- Don't you want to get together with me?|- You know I do.
Okay, then.
No more talk.
|It's settled.
8:30, out front.
I'll be the one in the party dress|with jeans in a purse.
I'll have to take a pretty big purse but desperate times|call for desperate actions.
- Deal?|- Deal.
How long have we got? Fourteen minutes|till my lunch break's over.
Okay, then.
Cheers.
- Bonjour.
|- What's all this? This is as close as you're gonna get|to me cleaning up tonight.
- Hi.
|- Hi.
Man, something smells crazy good in here.
|Oh, my god.
What are you making? Lamb-and-artichoke stew,|penne with pesto and potatoes roasted garlic with rosemary focaccia tomatoes stuffed|with bread crumbs and goat cheese and ricotta cheesecake with amaretto cookies|to go with your coffee.
- You're the perfect man.
|- Thank you.
I used to think it was Kelsey Grammer - but it's not.
It's you.
|- Finally, I'm one-upping Grammer.
- You want some wine?|- Yes, please.
Okay, so, I brought a little ambience and a little Clooney.
- George?|- Rosemary.
Oh, my God.
This is so great.
I mean, besides the fact|that it's an evening of you it's also the first Friday|in many, many moons that I'm not at my parents' house and that knowledge is giving me|a really warm, fuzzy feeling right about now.
Meaning that if, by some chance,|your meal winds up sucking I might not even notice.
Excellent to know.
To the warm and fuzzy.
Perfect.
Time to add the artichokes.
It may have choked Artie,|but it ain't gonna choke me.
- Some "Little Rascals" humor there for you.
|- I know.
You know? You are the perfect man.
Just move them so people can navigate|around them comfortably.
Not that far apart.
Not that far apart.
Good Lord, if someone needs|that much room to get around a chair they shouldn't be at a party.
|They should be on a treadmill.
- Hey, Grandma.
|- Rory.
Oh, look at you.
Will you look at her? I said look at her! - Isn't she beautiful?|- Yes, very beautiful.
I love this dress.
Very elegant.
Thanks, Grandma.
|The place looks wonderful.
There's too much blue.
It's Yale alumni.
|There can't be too much blue.
Emily, I noticed the bartenders|weren't planning on using proper martini glasses.
Well Rory, how lovely you look tonight.
Doesn't she?|This dress is divine, but you know what? My hairdresser's upstairs|in my bedroom right now.
Why don't you go on up and have her|do a little something with your hair? - My hair?|- Just for kicks.
Come on, I'll take you up.
- Richard, could you-|- I have it all under control.
Thank you.
Come on.
Oh, you're home.
|You want to talk about dinner? Sure, or about how your mom|totally attacked me today.
- What?|- I'm standing out on the street in broad daylight and, like, out of nowhere, bam,|she was in my face, crazy and screaming.
Zach, slow down.
I don't understand.
She cursed me, Lane.
|What's not to understand? She went on and on|about burning in hellfire and swimming in Satan's sludge|and hell dogs eating me and I gotta tell you, it sounded bad.
I don't understand.
Why would she- 'Cause she knows, okay?|She knows everything.
- She sees everything.
You know that.
|- She doesn't know everything, Zach.
She knows about you and me,|and she's sending me to hell for it and I gotta tell you, this is not cool.
|This is not rock 'n' roll.
- I know.
I'm sorry.
|- I don't do parents.
I'm not that guy.
Nobody brings me home to Mom|for a reason, okay? I'm a total backseat, get-in-the-closet,|jump-out-the-window dude, all the way.
I just don't understand how she found out.
I mean, it's not like|she's ever seen us together, or I know who told her.
I can't do this.
Crazy, scary, short chick|screaming at me on the street.
Zach, I'm sorry.
|I promise, it will never happen again.
- I will take care of it.
|- What about the hellhounds? I will take care of the hellhounds, too.
'Cause "hellhounds" is a cool band name,|but the positive imagery stops there.
- I got it.
It's done.
|- Okay.
Fine.
I gotta go walk by a church or something.
- Hey, this is the same stuff from the diner.
|- Yup.
You've been pilfering silverware|from the diner? - It's my diner.
|- Yes, but it's wrong.
You should have boundaries in your life.
|Leave work at work.
You need a work life and a home life,|and the silverware is your work life.
I'm so telling Dr.
Phil on you.
Luke, you in there? Open up.
Luke! What the- - You're home.
Good.
|- Don't come in.
- She's your sister, Luke.
Your sister.
|- TJ, this is really not- You know how many people|told me not to get married? They said women make you crazy they burrow into your head,|and you can't get them out.
Women suck! Oh, hey, Lorelai.
- How're you doing, TJ?|- I'm assuming you guys had a fight.
Not just a fight,|a whammo monster of a fight.
It was like Jake LaMotta and I was that blond chick|he was married to.
You'll make up.
Bye.
I mean, you'd think I took a shot|at the Pope the way she talked to me! I'm sorry I didn't hear|when she asked for the beer and preset station numbers|are there for a reason! Okay, look at the table|and the candles, okay? - This is not a good time.
|- You're telling me? I'm in escrow.
- Okay, hold on.
Go stir the sauce.
|- Me? But I can't cook.
It's not cooking.
It's stirring.
No, I'm not good with big spoons|unless there's ice cream on the end.
Okay.
TJ, what is this all about? She's crazy, man! She goes nuts, and she yells at me like There's a register that her voice reaches|when she yells that only a freaking dog can hear,|but her face is so twisted and contorted that you know she's hit that register,|and it's amazing.
It should be on the Discovery Channel,|or something.
Excuse me.
How fast am I supposed|to be stirring here? Just keep it from sticking.
Look, I am really sorry you had a fight,|but you're married now.
You can't run out every time|you have a disagreement.
- Now, go on back.
|- I can't go back.
- TJ.
|- I'm not ready.
- It's all too fresh!|- It's bubbling and turning brown.
- It's fine.
|- But what constitutes sticking? You can't ruin it.
I can.
I have powers.
Once, the Barefoot Contessa|was making a soufflé and it fell.
She looked out the TV and said,|"Gilmore, was that you?" You gotta go, man.
- Just let me hang out here.
|- No! Just for a little while,|right in here in the corner, very quiet.
You won't notice me at all.
|Church mouse, buddy.
- I'm getting carpal tunnel syndrome.
|- I got it.
He just needs a minute.
Oh, yes, that's very nice.
I love the lashes.
- Grandma, this is really nice, but-|- Just a little more cheeks.
Shouldn't we be getting down|to the party? Yes, one more minute now.
Let's see here.
- This might do it.
|- Grandma, I couldn't.
Diamond necklaces were invented|to be worn.
They're doing nobody any good|just sitting in a box.
- Perfect.
Do you like it?|- Well, yes, it's beautiful, but- - It needs earrings.
I agree.
|- No, it's fine on its own, really.
Your grandfather bought me|these earrings on our first trip to Denmark.
He swears he bought them off|the ne'er-do-well brother of the King who stole them from the Queen.
- Have you ever heard such a thing?|- No.
I have a wonderful idea.
|Have you ever worn a tiara? Well, when I was four.
- You look like a princess.
|- Grandma, are you sure you want me wearing all this stuff? They must be very expensive,|and if something should happen- Nothing's going to happen,|and, yes, you look exactly the way I want my granddaughter to look|to all our guests.
- Shall we?|- Okay.
It's going to be a wonderful evening.
Everyone, here's Rory.
You look absolutely royal.
- It's probably the crown.
|- Emily, you did a fine job.
Thank you, Richard.
Rory, I'd like you|to meet Min and Argus Head and their son Andrew.
|Andrew, this is my granddaughter, Rory.
- Nice to meet you.
|- Nice to meet you, too.
Andrew will be at Yale law next year.
- Isn't that wonderful?|- It is, especially if you want to be a lawyer.
She's a pistol, this one.
Well, we need to make the rounds.
|You two could talk more later.
- It was nice to meet you.
|- You, too.
Rory, we'd like you|to meet Tiana and Chase Anderson and their son, Donnen.
- It's a pleasure to meet you.
|- You, too.
Donnen is going to run|his father's shipping business one day.
Our own Aristotle Onassis|with infinitely better table manners.
Nothing's written in stone yet.
We'll see what sort of pension plan|the company has and then Rory's going to be a journalist,|take the world by storm.
- The two of you should talk later.
|- Definitely.
- Okay, well-|- Oh, Rory.
Bunny and Napoleon Barnes,|and their son Kip.
- Nice to meet you.
|- Oh, hi, Kip.
It's nice to meet you.
- Kip is captain of the polo team.
|- Hell of a player.
Give those Windsor boys|a run for their money.
William and Harry are good guys,|decent horsemen terrible bridge players.
Kip, will you excuse us for a minute?|I need to talk to my grandparents.
It was nice to meet you,|Mr.
and Mrs.
Barnes.
- Make sure you two talk later.
|- Yes, ma'am.
Yes, Rory? - Are you enjoying the party?|- The party's very nice, Grandma.
I was just wondering do your alumni friends|have any daughters? Daughters? What do you mean? Well, I was just noticing|that there are a lot of boys here but not that many girls.
Really? Why, I hadn't noticed.
- Did you notice, Emily?|- Why, no, I hadn't.
Well, I will have to pay more attention|to the guest list next time - won't I, Richard?|- Yes, you will.
I promise you, we will throw another party|just for our friends with girls.
- But in the meantime-|- The Campbell boy is here.
Oh, good.
Let's go.
|Campbell, like the soup.
Oh, my God.
This is good.
|I mean, this is seriously good.
Glad you like it.
- How you doing, TJ?|- I just need a minute.
- He said that 35 minutes ago.
|- Well, he's not crying now, so- - I want him to leave.
|- I know.
He will.
You sure there's nothing I can do for you? - Just 30 seconds.
That should do it.
|- Would you like something to eat, TJ? Why are you asking him|if he wants something to eat? He's been sitting there for a half an hour.
|He might be hungry.
He said 30 seconds.
You're gonna make|the 30 seconds go longer.
- TJ, we've got plenty.
|- That's very kind of you, Lorelai.
I appreciate it,|being in escrow and everything.
But I don't want to interrupt your evening.
As soon as I gather myself, I'll be going.
|Ten more minutes? Look, you can go AMG,|but you're still going stock Mercedes.
Okay, are you seriously knocking|493 horses at 6,100 rpm coming out of a 5.
5 liter, 24-valve V-8? - Okay, let's say you go with the SL55.
|- I'm sorry.
Would you all excuse me for just a- Yeah, sure.
So, the SL55.
Look, at least go aftermarket on its ass.
For all this? - I told you.
|- You told me what? Whatever is happening at that party|you got roped into tonight, I told you.
Do you want to hear,|or do you just want to gloat? Well, I'm a multitasker.
So I get here, and Grandma|immediately whisked me upstairs where her hairdresser|and her makeup artist are waiting to make a new me.
'Cause the old you is so last season.
Then I come downstairs|to find that the guests are all Yale friends|of Grandma and Grandpa and their sons.
- What?|- No girls.
All boys and me.
- You're kidding.
|- Nope.
I feel like I'm being auctioned off.
- They suck.
My parents suck.
|- This is a very silly picture.
They know you're with Dean|'cause, by the way, you told them.
It's okay.
I just thought you'd like to know.
- Do you have a pencil?|- Why? Because there are 12 ways out|of that house that they don't know about.
Write this down.
First, the basement.
|It's a little dusty but almost foolproof.
If you can't get there grab a screwdriver and jimmy|the back of my mother's closet.
- There's a false back.
|- Mom.
And if they haven't trimmed the trees yet,|the second guest bathroom window opens out onto the massive elm,|and you could shimmy right down.
I am not going to shimmy.
|I don't need to sneak out.
It's fine.
Dean is picking me up at 8:30.
- I can manage till then.
|- They played you, kid.
- Yeah, I know.
|- I hate that they did that.
Well, it's done.
Okay, I should go.
In this crowd, they will definitely|notice me missing.
I'll see you later.
- Bye, hon.
|- What's the matter? Nothing a little patricide won't solve.
Oh, hello, I'd like|to speak to Richard and Emily.
I'd like to speak to|Richard and Emily Gilmore.
Is there someone there who speaks|English? I hear English in the background.
Oh, right there, I heard the word "salmon.
" Could you pass the phone|to the person who said "salmon"? "Salmon.
" It's a fish.
It swims - Is he here?|- Yes.
Get him out, please.
- Emily Gilmore.
"Señora" Emily Gilmore.
|- TJ, come on.
Let's go.
- I cannot deal with you right now.
|- You can't just barge in here like this.
I did not barge.
|Do not accuse me of barging.
- You are ruining their evening.
|- No, I am not.
I'm just sitting here.
I'm not saying anything.
Okay, will you two|just go downstairs and talk, please? - You are unbelievable, you know that?|- I do, as a matter of fact! I hadn't even come out of the bedroom,|and you'd gone! I wasn't gonna stick around|so you could yell at me.
Okay, this is enough! The both of you|just have to shut up right now! - I've got neighbors.
|- You don't even have your shoes on.
- I've got shoes on.
|- You've got my shoes on! Oh, so I guess all that|"what's mine is yours" - was just a bunch of crap, also!|- You know what? I am fed up with you and the drama! I can't take it! My head's gonna explode from all your freaking scenes|and your tantrums.
- My tantrums?|- I cannot look at you.
Liz, what are you|You go get her out of there.
Nope, that's exactly what she wants.
- Okay, never mind.
I'll call back.
Bye.
|- TJ.
Damn, I had almost gotten|myself together.
- Now I have to start all over.
|- She's in the bathroom.
Okay, you go try to calm him down,|and I'll see if I can talk to her.
You were right.
Having family near is fun.
Rory? I'm Jordan.
|Your grandmother sent me over here.
Apparently, we're made for each other.
Oh, gee.
Well, how convenient.
There's nothing like having your family|playing matchmaker.
- How old are you?|- Me? I'm almost 20.
All right, good.
|Just making sure everything's legal.
- You need a drink?|- No, not a drink.
Why? Do you get a little crazy|when you drink? - Yes, that's it.
|- I'd like to see that.
Rory, there you are.
|I've been looking everywhere for you.
I'm late.
I'm sorry.
Don't be mad.
|Logan Huntzberger.
Jordan Chase.
Good to meet you.
|Thanks for keeping my girl busy.
If you hadn't, she would've noticed|exactly how late I am and then she might've left,|and that would've been very, very bad.
- Excuse me.
I'm sorry.
You're with her?|- Going on a year and a half.
Great, then what the hell am I doing here? Thank you.
- You looked cornered.
|- I was.
Well, I'm glad to be of service.
- Man, I hate these parties.
|- Not really my bag, either.
But at least the bar is stocked and I must say,|your grandmother has excellent food.
- Wait, my grandmother?|- Logan, how are you, son? - I'm very well, sir, and yourself?|- I'm fit as a fiddle.
It's good to see you.
- Are your parents here?|- Wandering around here somewhere.
Mom is obsessed|with Emily's new draperies.
Yes, Emily has exquisite taste in fabrics.
All right, Rory,|since I see that you are in capable hands I will make another round|and end up at the bar.
- It's been good to see you, Richard.
|- Good to see you, Logan.
You know my grandparents.
My folks are good friends|with Richard and Emily.
Okay, so, lesson one|in coping with painfully boring parties: - Form a sub-party.
|- Where are you going? - Finn!|- Finn's here? Finn! - You rang?|- Time for a change of venue.
Oh, fantastic.
Do I know you? - Is my mother here?|- No, she's at Mrs.
Cho's house.
Mrs.
Cho thinks that she lost her faith,|and Mrs.
Kim went to give it back to her.
Good.
Why did you rat me out|to my mother? - Rat you out?|- You told her about Zach.
- The boy you hugged?|- Yes, you told her.
I'm just a little mystified|as to, well, why you would do that.
- Mrs.
Kim has taken me in.
|- No, I took you in.
You came to me starving,|and I gave you fries.
- You did like the fries, right?|- Very, very much.
Okay, so, that is what we call here|in America a bonding thing.
I gave you the fries and you are not supposed to tell on me|to my mother.
- But what am I supposed to do?|- Nothing.
You say nothing and do nothing.
- But she would know.
|- She would know what? She would know I lie.
She would know I'm ungrateful|and I keep a secret from her.
- How would she know?|- She know.
- No, she no know.
She's not magic.
|- Yes, she is.
She read thoughts and hand gestures.
Come here.
If you want, I can help you.
Help me? What do you do every Sunday|between noon and 4:00? - I study.
|- And then? And then I wait for Mrs.
Kim to get home from her Crochet for Christ group|with her sister.
Okay, and what do you do|while you're waiting? Nothing.
I sit quietly.
Okay.
Now, wouldn't you rather,|let's say, watch some television while you're waiting|for my mother to get home? - I cannot.
|- Why? Mrs.
Kim does not want me|to watch the television.
- And how would she know?|- Because there's a little machine in the television set - that will tell her what I watch.
|- Ha! - What, "ha"?|- That machine does not exist.
- It does not?|- Nope.
Took me 15 years to figure it out,|but that's the truth.
So, she cannot know? She also cannot smell fast food on you,|even after you've showered.
- She can't?|- And she can't tell how many times|you've opened your Bible - by staring at your palm.
|- My head spins.
You don't have to hand out|all of those religious flyers she gives you.
Just post enough of them|around her regular route home - and she'll think the job is done.
|- I think I need lie down.
It's a whole new world, Kyon a world I fought long and hard|to figure out and I'm willing|to pass all my knowledge on to you.
So, I can eat fries, watch TV if I get home early|from not giving out my flyers? I wouldn't bring the fries into the house.
|She has a really good nose.
But you're thinking big.
And I respect that.
I can watch the TV.
Stick with me, kid and I'll have you wearing|lip gloss within a month.
Why don't you just talk to me? Emily and Richard Gilmore.
Oh, come on.
I know you speak English.
|I heard you yell "salmon" earlier.
My mother put you up to this.
Fine.
- What are they doing in there?|- Fighting? And how long can you fight|in an 8 by 10 room? Well, maybe they're not fighting.
|Maybe they're having angry make-up sex.
Oh, that makes me feel much better.
|Thank you.
- Sorry about dinner.
|- Dinner was great.
It was delicious and interactive.
How about this? How about this? Okay, I don't know how long|this is gonna continue.
We could set fire to the place.
|Smoke them out.
Listen, you don't have to sit here.
|I'll deal with this.
You go home.
- You sure?|- Yup.
They are my family.
Yippee.
I'll deal with it.
You take this and go home and we will try again tomorrow.
Wow.
My own cheesecake? No man's ever given me|a whole cheesecake before.
You remember that.
Hey, maybe when I get home,|I'll stir something seeing as I'm so good at it.
Thanks for dinner.
Thank you for not being related to me.
- That came out wrong.
|- No, I got it.
- Good night.
|- Night.
Preset station numbers|are there for a reason! Gilmore, your grandfather|has appalling taste in scotch.
I think you should go on inside|and tell him.
If he hasn't learned by now,|I certainly can't teach him.
Colin, make sure you refill|that bottle with something.
- Don't want Ace over here to get busted.
|- I know.
I know.
- Refill?|- Sure.
Why not? Because drinking is bad.
It's very, very bad,|and we're bad for doing it.
Spank me.
I think the hangover tomorrow|will be punishment enough.
She hasn't had enough champagne, Logan.
Hey, listen, I forgot to tell you,|I read the article.
- You did?|- Yup, not bad.
Thank you.
You caught the spirit of the thing.
|I'll give you that.
- But-|- No, no buts.
You got a good style.
There were a few too many similes in it|for my taste but it definitely had a little Joseph|Mitchell thing going for it.
I liked it.
I'm surprised you even bothered to read it.
Are you? - So, who's it gonna be?|- What? Well, this shindig's|an obvious meat market.
I got the feeling your grandparents|are expecting you to choose someone tonight, so Oh, well Me.
Pick me.
- No, pick me.
|- Pick me.
- But I'm exotic.
|- So is the Asian bird flu.
Wow.
A roomful of guys|and still extremely slim pickings.
Well, I don't know.
|It's a pretty tough choice.
Maybe I should let my boyfriend|help me choose.
- You have a boyfriend?|- I'm crushed.
Ain't it always the way? - Do Richard and Emily know about this?|- Yeah, they do.
They're just trying to make sure|you got backup? No, they're just Oh, no.
What time is it? - It's crying time.
|-8:45.
Dean is meeting me at 8:30.
- Where?|- Here.
Out front.
- Dean.
Is this the boyfriend?|- Yes, it's the boyfriend.
- Well, we gotta see this guy.
|- What? See who the man is who's won your heart,|gotta make sure he's good enough.
- But-|- Let's go, boys.
You're the brother.
Coming? Yeah! Dean, hi.
I'm sorry.
|Have you been waiting long? I didn't have a watch,|and we were in the pool house.
These are some friends.
|They go to Yale with me and they know my grandparents.
The party was so boring, so we Is that a new shirt? 'Cause I like it.
What am I doing here, Rory? You're picking me up.
I don't belong here.
Not anymore do I? Dean.
You look good.
You'll be okay.
No, I won't.
Okay, that's it.
|Back to the pool house, men.
We have some serious bucking up|to do here.
- I swiped some scotch.
|- I'll reenact "The Passion of the Christ.
" Come on, Ace.
Nothing ever seems quite as bad|after Finn's "Passion of the Christ " except Finn's "Passion of the Christ.
" Dude's got a little bit of a spanking thing! - Gilmore residence.
|- Hello? Oh, you speak English.
Thank God.
|Is Emily Gilmore there, please? It's for you, Mrs.
Gilmore.
- Hello?|- Hi, Mom, it's me.
Well, hello, Lorelai.
How are you? I'm fine.
|Can I talk to you and Dad for a minute? - Your father's paying the caterers.
|- Well, this will just take a minute.
Could you maybe go in the study|on the speakerphone - seriously, just one minute?|- All right, hold on.
All right, we're both here.
- Hello, Lorelai.
What can we do for you?|- I just wanted to touch base with you about this little party|you threw for Rory tonight.
The party was not for Rory.
|It was for our Yale alumni.
Oh, it was not.
|It was a trick, and you know it and I know it,|so let's just know it together.
- What do you want, Lorelai?|- You lied to your granddaughter tonight.
You lied to a kid who trusted you.
|You tricked her.
- It was a party.
|- It was a mating ritual.
- What are you talking about?|- All boys, Mom? Seriously? What is that all about? It's good for her to interact with her peers.
Lorelai, Rory is in a new phase|of her life now and she needs to be exposed|to different things different people.
|That's all we were trying to do.
- She has a boyfriend.
|- Oh, so what? So she has a boyfriend which means|she doesn't need another one.
She's 20 years old, Lorelai.
She is not going to be|with that boy forever.
That's right,|and when she's ready to move on she'll have met some nice young man who will represent|the new phase in her life.
I am sure|that Dean is a very nice young man but he is certainly not good enough|for Rory.
- That's right.
|- Now she is young but young people need guidance and since you seem so little help|in this department we have to step in.
Well, step on out again|because this is none of your business.
Lorelai, I am tired.
And the caterers have caked the floor|with something sticky and I don't have time for this.
We want more for her, period.
Now, obviously, it's too late for you,|but it is not too late for Rory.
And we are going to make sure|she has the life she deserves.
It doesn't matter what you think of me.
|Rory will choose her own path in life and there's nothing|either one of you can do about it.
- I'm hanging up.
|- Well, me, too.
Did you listen to him at all?|Did you hear a word he said? Whoa, hey! So you need some help there? Bye.
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