Glee s05e08 Episode Script

Hello.
I'm America's Jane Lynch.
In October, 2012 on the Paramount soundstages the cast and crew of Glee filmed a Christmas episode entitled "Rough Trade Santa.
" Upon viewing the director's cut Fox executives recoiled in horror and then locked the episode in a lead vault where it languished for an entire year.
A new, less controversial Christmas episode containing an entire act dedicated to biracial Judaism was rushed into production and aired in its place.
After a year of pleas from fans all over the world, the episode will now air with several edits.
Gone is an entire subplot involving Blaine and his obsession with Yule logs.
Lost forever are several scenes explaining why Will Schuester abandoned his Washington dreams to come back and teach his merry band of miscreants and losers.
So, sit back, relax, have some eggnog and enjoy, if you dare the never-aired Glee Christmas episode.
We're goin' green, guys.
Uh-uh.
I refuse to give up my Wig & Weave aerosolized luster spray.
Okay, you're fine, Unique.
This year's theme for the 50th Annual McKinley Classroom Decorating Contest is "green is good.
" Sam, Tina- All right, well, as seniors Mr.
Schue asked us to take over the decorating committee this year.
So, we're gonna need everyone's help in order to win this thing.
Oh, and we will win, because first prize is an antique glass angel hand-blown thousands of years ago.
This holy glass ornament is said to have magical powers to bring good luck and possibly a boyfriend or prom-queen dreams to whoever she oversees.
- And that person will be me.
- Um, don't we all get to share the prize? We're goin' au naturel this year.
We're gonna get pinecones, L.
E.
D.
Lights.
Are we getting those from the L.
E.
D.
Bush out back? This is exactly the kind of infighting that will make us lose and I'm not gonna stand for it.
Guys, this is serious.
Cancel your plans for the entire month.
I don't want to hear about any of you caroling in nursing homes or feeding the homeless or giving toys to tots.
Every waking thought will be spent figuring out how to win me that stupid angel.
Got it? Well-Merry Christmas, everyone.
McKinley High Nondenominational Christmas Club meeting is now called to order.
Vice President Artie Abrams has the floor.
This Christmas Club looks an awful lot like Glee Club.
Nobody panic but Principal Figgins just informed me that McKinley's outdoor manger scene has been defaced with swastikas and with satanic symbols.
And baby Jesus was found stuffed down Figgins's chimney.
Oh, my God, that's horrible.
Christmas is canceled! Not quite yet, Tina.
Figgins asked the Christmas Club to step in and do a living Nativity.
Christmas is saved! And Artie and I have decided that Jake should play Joseph.
I mean, Joseph was a darkly tan Jew.
Thank you.
I call dibs on arguably the most important female role in the history of the world.
- The Virgin Mary.
- You can't.
You're black.
And you'd crush the donkey.
- I'm a virgin! - That's a shocker.
To think nobody's tickled inside your musty, mildewed granny panties except for the family of crickets that nest in there.
Yeah, well- You wear a smaller bra than me.
All right, girls.
Come on.
It's Christmas, and we've got a show to do.
Wait.
Are manger scenes even allowed on school property? Auditions are tomorrow.
Ooh, what is it? What is it? Oh, my gosh.
It's My Pretty Princess Deluxe Doll Dress-up Styling Head.
Oh, Santana, I love it.
Thank you so much.
Oh, I had one of these when I was 10, and I was obsessed with her.
I gave this lady smoky eyes every day.
Well, Merry Christmas, Lady Hummel.
Now you can relive all of your Jeffrey Dahmer fantasies in the privacy of your own home.
But that's not it because, additionally I am giving you an all-expense paid trip to Dildo Island.
It's a real place.
It's in Canada.
I got you the deluxe bachelor package.
I think this calls for another glass of my world-famous eggnog.
- Yes.
- I'm using Giada's new recipe but you tell me if it's too much allspice.
What I will tell you is that I think you've become more of a Grandma Moses since moving to New York.
I mean, you just had a traumatic breakup with Princess Valiant.
You're single.
You should be living it up.
Well, like you? Breezing through here unannounced? With a sleigh full of Christmas decorations and presents a la Auntie Mame? By the way, all of these aren't for us, are they? Oh, no, no.
I mean, you got your decapitated head, and one of these is for Berry.
A gallon of Proactiv solution and a booklet of JetBlue vouchers.
The rest are for me.
After what happened with Brittany I prescribed myself a little retail therapy.
- Hmm.
- Couldn't be in Lima right now, you know? Not with her there.
It's too soon.
But now I have to book myself a hotel.
In New York City during the holidays? Are you crazy? Do you know how expensive that will be? Calm down, Joyce DeWitt.
Okay? It's gonna be fine.
Don't you remember that money that my mom gave me for graduation? - Your college fund? - Mm-hmm.
Please tell me you didn't spend it all on post-breakup gifts for yourself.
No.
No, just half.
Kurt.
Oh, my God! Santana, what are you doing here? - We have our first holiday houseguest! - ¡Feliz Navidad! I decided I wanted to do something a little different for the holidays this year.
In that case, you're in luck.
Because I just got Kurt and I the greatest gig.
You can get in on it too if you want.
We are gonna be Christmas elves in Santa Land at the Midtown Mall.
I know what you're thinking, but I've done my research.
This is where the Broadway luminaries bring their children, so we'll have tons of exposure.
It's gonna be great.
Please say you're in.
Are you in? Come on.
We'll all do it together.
- Sure, yeah.
- Yeah.
- Yea! - Cheers.
I'm gonna be the best Jewish elf ever.
I'm serious.
What could be greener than foraging in the woods for Christmas decorations? Our Christmas tree will have, like, a zero-carbon footprint.
Except for cutting down a perfectly healthy tree and throwing it away two weeks later.
Exactly.
I'll go into the West Lima forest preserve and get pinecones, deer antlers fallen branches, make 'em into wreaths.
You'd be surprised at how many Hispanic families throw birthday parties in there.
I'm going to collect all the deflated feliz "campayanos" balloons and then I'm gonna make tinsel out of it.
- Perfect! - Yeah.
- Hold it right there, sluts! - Hey, Becky.
This is mistletoe.
I'm super horny.
So you better give me some tongue! - What? - Whoa! I mean it, bitch.
I want to lick those Asian tonsils.
And then once you've got me all worked up, I'm gonna make you French me 'cause it's Christmas, and I'm loose.
- Oh, dear God.
- Becky, you can't just make us French kiss you.
Yes, I can, stripper.
I have special needs, and one of my special needs is mouth sex with your face.
No, Becky, this is not okay.
You get away with murder at this school because Sue has made you believe that the rules don't apply to you.
- It's discrimination! - Uh-uh-uh.
No, it's not, honey.
Becky, that's poison sumac.
That's not mistletoe.
Get your little butt to the nurse's office for a Silkwood shower.
Stat! - Can I take the Le Car? - Of course you can take the Le Car.
Oh, Asian number one stupid Trouty Joe the happy strippin' hobo, you're exactly right.
I have been treating Becky differently than the other kids at this school when I should have just treated her like everybody else.
You made your point.
Fair is fair, and I will adjust my behavior accordingly.
Geez, I just think she needs to be treated for some sort of sex addiction.
Yeah, okay.
I got it.
Got it.
I'm here to inform you that Principal Figgins has made me in charge of judging the 50th Annual Christmas Tree Decorating Contest.
A long-standing tradition here at McKinley High, even though we didn't do it last year.
Or the year before.
Or the year before that.
Anyhoo, I'm just thrilled to be able to judge the Glee Christmas tree so I can rank it dead last.
Because I'm sure it's covered with condoms and dental dams and suicide hotline pamphlets and at-home sex-change kits.
I know that sounds harsh or maybe it's just the motivation that poor little Christmas tree needs to go out and conquer its dreams to hop out of that Christmas tree stand, fly to New York and audition for NYADA.
Huh? We want Santa! We want Santa! We want Santa! We want Santa! I'm seriously regretting these tights.
They smell like Williamstown.
They're giving me serious mangina.
And I am seriously sensing some workplace sexism happening over here.
All these little lady elves are dressed like candy-striped hookers.
Do you think they'll let me keep this when we're done? Because I am loving this look on me.
Lord of the bling.
- We want Santa! We want Santa! - Has anyone seen Santa? - These Manhattan kids aren't gonna wait much longer.
- Oh, there he is.
Merry Christmas! Oh, ho, ho, ho, ho.
Oh! Calm down.
Calm down.
Here I am! No flash photos before I get on my throne, though, okay? Ah! Ho, ho, ho! Oh! Lady elves.
Santa, great.
Uh, well, can we get this line moving for you? Eh, don't ever look directly at me again, Keebler.
Ever! I don't like you and your Equity card attitude.
So I'm gonna hit the men's room and craft services, aka, my flask.
Why don't you take care of keeping these kids busy? Huh? Maybe you could do that Rent medley that you learned at the last open-mic cabaret night, huh? - Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho.
- Okay, this crowd is about to get fugly.
- Do we have a plan? - There is always a plan.
We are gonna work some NYADA magic.
Santana, grab a candy cane.
Kurt, hit it.
Ah, just goes to show you, even in New York, all you need is just a little magic.
Let's go already! You guys suck eggs! Oh, God! Hey.
Us girls were talking and we figured that since all of us obviously want to play the Virgin Mary in the Nativity scene - we should all audition together.
- No, thanks.
Okay.
I was just trying to be nice.
I have a very low tolerance for nice.
I may seem really cool and loving for a week or two but then my body rejects it like a virus and I move back into my natural state of cruel, selfish insensitivity.
The fact is, that between lady-man and his junk flapping around on stage you probably passing out at some point during the audition and the basic truth that there is no way - they're going to let a Chinese girl play Mary- - I think Tina's Korean.
I would get that part hands down if I wanted it, but I don't.
- What? - Where are you? I'm taking a much-needed break, okay? - It is exhausting playing a slutty elf.
- Get back here! Santa passed out in his own vomit and probably crapped his pants.
And until the mall can find a replacement, we need you to come back and play Mrs.
Claus.
No, no, you play Mrs.
Claus, Lady Hummel.
You were born to play Mrs.
Claus.
And Mrs.
Butterworth and Bea Arthur and Barbara Bush.
The mob is getting restless out there.
Oh, my God.
We are begging you.
Please come here and help us.
Whoo! We want Santa! We want Santa! Merry Christmas, shoppers! Well, it turns out Santa, who's got a bit of a drinking problem got into the schnapps last night, and he was a little hard to get out of bed.
But-But it is actually Mrs.
Claus who's been writing the list of who's been naughty and who's been nice and forcing us elves to work at the sweatshop and she has made a special trip to Santa Land and you guys get to tell her what you want for Christmas.
Who's excited? - Who's excited? - So here she is, Mrs.
Claus! Whoa! Mrs.
Claus! - Merry Christmas.
- Yeah.
- Who's ready to sit on my lap? - Whoo! And what would you like for Christmas? I want a Doc McStuffins Time-for-Your-Check-up Doll.
- Ooh, so cute.
- Well, that sounds a little "molesty.
" I mean, I didn't start playing doctor till I was nine.
I'll see what I can do.
I think that somebody needs to freeze the fat for Christmas because somebody weighs more than Mrs.
Claus.
Whoa, stop right there.
You look a little Jewish, right? Rachel, you think? Okay, bye.
I think-Did you? I think he pooped in his pants.
I want a Kinder College Learning Laptop.
Why don't we just get you an iPad? You can't even get porn on whatever you just asked me for, okay? Hey, how's it going? You look exactly like a young Brittany S.
Pierce, doesn't she? Brittany is my ex-girlfriend and she just dumped me which is why I'm even here and why I have this job.
And we're lesbians.
You know, and, like, I'd never been with- Okay, great job! - What would you like for Christmas? - I'd like- Oh, no, you know what? I think that you should ask Santa to get your daddy a job with some dental benefits because your grille is freaking jacked up.
Do you see this? I think that Mrs.
Claus needs a break.
This is going well, right? You guys, she's coming! And one, two- What's this ornament made of? It's a suet cake for migratory songbirds and it's loaded with wildflower seeds for the birds to poop out in their deforested wintering grounds in the Amazon River basin.
- What species? - Douglas fir! - Which is the primary habitat of? - Red tree vole.
And what happened to the vole you left homeless when you cut down this tree? Um, do you mean Richie? Because he came here to live with us.
Well, Glee Club, I gotta hand it to you.
I thought Becky Jackson was going to take first prize this year but she didn't really get the concept of "green decorations.
" Here it is, Coach.
See? Everything's green! Green apples, green bananas, peas an Apple Jacks box, grass clippings, moldy bread.
You're still humming.
Okay.
I won't be announcing the winner until tomorrow morning For once, Glee Club, you haven't totally screwed everything up.
Happy holidays.
- Yeah! - Whoo! Since this year's living Nativity has a singing element to it and since I'm no expert when it comes to judging show choir star power- I am, in fact, sitting right here.
I asked Mr.
Schue to help out with our auditions for the Virgin Mary.
Thanks, Coach.
I'm happy to help judge your potential virgins.
- And it looks like first up we have a group audition.
- Yes.
Ladies, whenever you're ready, the manger is yours.
Yeah! Wow.
Ladies, I'm breathless.
And I've got a little Jamaican in me and that touched home in a very real way.
Are there any other last-minute auditions for the Virgin Mary? - It's bad.
- Are we fired? No, I'm afraid we're gonna get killed.
There's a mob of angry parents out there.
We're never gonna get hired as holiday retail temps again.
- It's over.
It's all over.
- No, it's not.
How you doing? Cody Tolentino.
But you can just call me "Sexy Claus.
" Heard some chatter about there was some trouble over here? - Us Santas tend to keep pretty close ranks.
- Okay, listen.
Even I'll admit that my girl-loving vagina's feeling a little jingle bell from you but, uh, we don't need your help.
Okay, well, then I'll just go.
But if I were you guys, I would-I would leave out the back door.
I mean, these places tend to turn people into animals when 'tis the season.
You mess with somebody's Yule, and they will trample your a- Okay, no, please.
I'm sorry.
We-We don't we don't want to be trampled, so what do we need to do? Yes.
Anything.
Truly.
Uh, I'm Kurt, by the way.
Newly single.
Well, it's not a one-day fix.
I can calm things down for today but if you truly want to save Christmas for this store and all of you it's gonna take the rest of the week.
I hereby deputize each of you as my elves.
Ooh, we're deputized.
Sounds fun.
- What are our responsibilities? - Well, let's not get into that just yet.
I like to get to know my elves first.
So what do you guys say? Maybe dinner? Your place? - How's 8:00? - Right on.
Merry Christmas, everybody.
Ho, ho, ho.
And that's why ancient Egyptians regarded dung beetles as sacred.
- Attention, McKinley idiots.
- Come on.
Here are your morning announcements that were obviously too unimportant to be mentioned until now.
The three runners-up in the politically correct green-themed Christmas Tree Decorating Contest are - the Biology Club- - Yeah! Yes.
- The 420 Club- - Oh, sick.
- And Beiste and the football team.
- Oh, yeah.
What about me, Coach? What about me? Inside voice, Becky.
And the winner of the tacky, plastic angel made in the Philippines by a 12-year-old child slave is- bah, humbug-the Glee Club.
Yes! Don't, Becky.
Becky, don't.
No.
Don't, don't! Whoa! Everything's fine.
Okay.
Yeah.
That's it.
Shocker.
The virgin Marley gets to play the Virgin Mary.
Are you worried about typecasting? What's with the snark? I asked you to audition, and you said- - I didn't want it.
- You obviously do.
I don't get it.
If this is something that is important to you, maybe we can talk to Mr.
Schue.
Don't you get it? I'm a Christian, and I know what it means to have the Virgin Mary's spirit in your heart.
I don't have it.
And I don't deserve to be her.
To tell you the truth, I'm more like Mary Magdalene.
Hey.
Do we really have to take down all of the ornaments? Rachel, yes.
I thought it'd be nice to have a tree-trimming party to, you know, get us in the holiday spirit.
- We all set in there? - If, by "all set," you mean did I light the candy-cane scented candles on the toilet - then, yes, we are all set.
- Good, perfect.
Now, here.
Try this.
I added some nutmeg.
No.
I think that needs some kick.
I mean, come on, Kurt.
Don't all you gays love Julia Child? Didn't she, like, spike everything? - Well, I guess I could add some cooking sherry in here.
- Yes.
Ho.
Ho.
Ho.
Merry Christmas.
Merry Christmas.
There.
I mean, for struggling actors, geez, you guys got a great apartment.
- Is that vintage? - Uh-huh, yeah.
- I-I love vintage.
- Mm-hmm.
Yeah.
- Albums.
- Well, yeah, you gotta have vintage.
Wow! So, uh, you got any tricks in that bag, Santa? Oh, well, you know, I do do all kinds of parties.
Kids, bachelorette, bachelor.
Well, let's see.
I got balloons and helium, costumes.
All kinds of stuff.
So how did you guys all meet? We were in, um, high school glee club together.
Kurt and I first, and then-It's just-It's complicated.
Glee club, huh? Do you guys take requests? 'Cause I just thought of something truly amazing.
All right, you chipmunks.
Ready to sing your song? - I'll say we are! - Yeah, let's sing it now! - Okay, Rachel? - Okay.
- Okay, Santana? - Okay! Okay, Kurt? Kurt? Kurt! Okay! Okay, fellas, get ready.
- That was very good, Rachel.
- Naturally.
Very good, Santana.
Uh, Kurt, you were a little flat.
Watch it.
Kurt.
Kurt.
- Kurt! - Okay! That was good.
- Oh, my gosh.
- Tickle me.
This is the best Christmas present ever.
- Besides curing cancer and peace on Earth, of course.
- True.
Hey, Trouty Mouth.
Hey, Tokyo Rose.
Merry Christmas.
Are these teeth? Not any teeth.
My baby teeth.
To remind you of the pure, innocent love of baby Jesus.
Thanks, Becky.
That's very sweet of you.
We-We're sorry you didn't, you know, win the contest.
Tell me about it.
I'm still recovering from Coach Sue's critique.
While, I appreciate your literal interpretation of "green" but it looks like you fished all this stuff right out of the school Dumpster.
- It's recycled.
- What it is is lazy.
Okay, okay.
I wanted to go home and watch Gigolos on Showtime so I did it half-assed.
I feel like you guys- Losers.
Anyways, happy holidays.
- I love Christmas.
- Me too.
- And I love New York.
- Me too.
You know what? You should totally move here.
- No.
No way.
- Yeah.
What about my scholarship to the University of Louisville? There's no way that I could just leave in the middle of the school year for no good reason and come here.
Look, I know that it's impossible - but you can, like, live here with me and Kurt.
- Where? - Where's Kurt? - Yeah, and Studly Claus? Kurt.
Kurt? Kurt? - Oh, my God! - Oh, hell no.
- That is not happening.
- Party! Oh, don't worry, ladies.
Santa swings both ways.
- What? - What's the matter, Santana? Jealous? No, I am disgusted and also impressed.
Who knew the Queen of England could be so trashy? Ah! Aren't you the one who's always calling me Miss Priss? And telling me that I need to live it up a bit? Well, you're right.
I'm in New York.
I'm single.
I'm available.
And your hot buttered rum concoction is dangerously lowering my inhibitions.
So why not throw caution to the wind? In that case, let's drink up.
- Let's do it.
- Ladies, join us for a toast.
- Here's to being naughty this Christmas.
- Oh.
To being naughty.
Oh.
Santana.
Santana, wake up.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
Oh, the last time I felt like this was when I was roofied at Lilith Fair.
- Oh, my God.
- Oh, my God, help me up.
Come here.
Oh, my God, Rachel.
- Oh, my God.
Where's all our nice things? - I don't know.
The last thing I remember was Lady Hummel bouncing quarters off of Santa's abs.
Kurt.
Oh, my God! Take that out of his mouth.
What happened? Are you okay? - What is this? - Rough trade Santa.
That's what happened! Oh, God! We were role-playing and he wanted me to be his Rudolph and when I said no, well, he stopped being so jolly.
Oh, God.
He took off his suspenders, and he tied me up.
And-And, well, he did say it was sexy kissing me because it was like I had no teeth.
- Ew! - That's disgusting.
This is disgusting.
But then he just admitted that he was only here to rob us blind anyway.
Oh, I think I'm gonna be sick.
Wait.
Did Kitty really say she wasn't worthy? You sure she wasn't just being snarky? - Or body-snatched? - No.
In that moment, she was totally, like, a real person.
If we can get Kitty to take the role of the Virgin Mary, get into those vestments and stand in the middle of that Nativity scene holding the baby Jesus maybe she'll realize she is worthy.
And she'll stop being so insanely horrible.
Ooh, a Christmas present to us all.
I tried to offer her the part, but she wouldn't take it.
I know how to make her take it.
Sam, the Christmas angel's not like the Stanley Cup.
- You can't take it home with you.
- Oh, this? Yeah, um, we decided to give it away.
Uh, to Becky.
Becky's like a sad little Hermey the Elf waddling aimlessly into a snow drift and we thought that giving her the angel might light her up like Rudolph's nose.
Well, that walks a dangerously fine line between being really sweet and horribly condescending.
Don't worry, Artie.
We've got something else for her too.
Remember, guys.
You're tired.
You're hungry, but ironically excited.
All right, dress rehearsal.
Places.
Let's go.
Wait, Marley, why aren't you dressed as the Virgin Mary? We all decided that the only girl who could do the part justice is- The black one.
Whoo! Joseph, honey, get me to the stable.
I'm about to pop! - Yeah! All right! - Yes.
- Not bad, not bad, guys.
- Wow.
Uh, just a few notes.
Um- Ryder, deliver the baby a few bars earlier.
- You got it.
- Wait.
N-No.
That was the most sacrilegious and profane horror show I have ever seen.
Racist.
Mr.
Schue, you cannot let this abomination happen to the most beautiful story ever told.
We have to do this the right way or not at all.
- I'll play the Virgin Mary.
- Not so fast.
Um, is that okay with you, Unique? Happy holidays.
You get the part! Oh! Hey, Becky.
There you are.
Uh, didn't you hear the news? - What are you talking about? - There was a recount on the tree decorating contest and it turns out you actually won.
But my tree was a bag of diapers.
It's Ohio, Becky.
It's a swing state.
You know, the votes can always go either way.
The point is, the angel's yours.
Merry Christmas.
- Congratulations.
- I love you, plastic angel.
Oh, and there's something else.
There's a, um, part left in the living Nativity that no one else can play.
Do you think you could help us out? Oh, Santana, I feel like such a fool.
I just wanted to get outside of myself.
You know, let myself be free for once, and look what happened.
Everything, including my collection of Broadway Playbills, was stolen.
- I've never felt so ashamed.
- That's why I could never live here.
Bushwick is worse than Lima Heights.
You can't tell anyone about this.
Even though Blaine and I are broken up, you can never tell him.
- Promise me.
- I promise.
Hey.
Okay, so I just got back from the mall.
Turns out that Cody ransacked Santa Land as well.
He even took all of the money from the Salvation Army bucket.
The police said that we were lucky that we weren't hurt.
- Uh- - More hurt.
But, needless to say, our services at the Midtown Mall are no longer required.
This is gonna follow us.
The fact that we were fired from our jobs as Christmas elves is gonna be a black mark on our acting résumés for the rest of our lives.
Not if we have something else to make up for it, which I do.
So I was getting off of the subway and I was passing Fifth Avenue- Rachel, another one of your crazy jobs? We barely survived the first one.
Trust me, Santana.
This job will not only test our mettle as performers but we will be protected by the safety of bulletproof glass.
This is obviously myrrh, not frankincense.
No, no, no.
That's-That's frankincense.
Um, guys, can we just talk about how great everybody looks? Look at you guys.
You guys look phenomenal.
Where's Becky? This hay is making me have a rash.
- Becky, you're a genius! - Genius! All you have to do is just kneel right here.
It's gonna look perfect.
- You look amazing.
- Great job! How did you think of that? - Kitty! - Virgin in the house, bitches.
You look beautiful.
Yea! Places, everyone.