Grace and Frankie (2015) s05e08 Episode Script
The Ceremony
1 [GRACE POTTER'S "STUCK IN THE MIDDLE" PLAYING.]
Well, I don't know Why I came here tonight Got the feelin' That somethin' ain't right I'm so scared In case I fall off my chair And I'm wondering How I'll get down the stairs And there's clowns to the left of me Jokers to the right Here I am Stuck in the middle with you Yes, I'm stuck in the middle with you Ooh [CHUCKLES.]
So how does this baby compare to your yurt? Similar.
Less exploded.
[CHUCKLES.]
Oh, I miss yurting.
It's much more honest than living in a beach house.
- Huh? - [SIGHS.]
Now, let's rustle up some breakfast.
Yeah! [SIGHS.]
Oh.
What a view.
Ah.
And that's why corporations are people.
- What in God's name? - [NICK.]
You disagree? No, Frankie's back and she's dug up Jerry Garcia.
Grace, Nick.
'Sup? - 'Sup with the tiki-hut? - What's up with your face? This is the woman I was telling you about.
I thought you said her hair was snakes.
She has notes on my hair? My name's Nick.
My hair's hair.
My shoes are snakes.
Leo.
My shoes are feet.
Now that all the unpleasantries are done.
No, but really? You You disappear for two days without so much as a phone call? I was at the ashram.
I gathered as much when I called the ashram and they said you were there.
I needed space to heal after my harrowing escape from this spiderweb of lies.
That was my fault.
I'm having Dr.
Joe send over some apology acid.
Leo and I are on a trip of our own now, thanks.
But we never turn down acid.
- Right.
Right.
- Hmm.
- Oh, gosh, we are so in step.
- [CHUCKLES.]
And you're already sharing clothes.
Along with the portable shanty town.
- Is it a FEMA tent? - It's a yurt.
It's Leo's.
And the blankets are mostly yours.
So you two are a thing now? Don't try to slap your heteronormative cis labels on us.
And yes, we are a thing.
All I know is that this magical woman shook something loose in me.
Yeah, I'll bet it was loose before Frankie came on the scene.
Oh, ignore her, Leo.
She doesn't get it.
She never will.
And you better have bought the groceries I like.
- Know what's funny about us? - Hmm? We pay the same in taxes.
[GRACE.]
Frankie? I'm sorry we tried to trick you.
You know, I was worried about you.
Oh, because my hand was tired? Ta-da! [SIGHS.]
The only thing that's a tremor now is my heart.
Yeah, I can see that a lump of patchouli could do that to you.
[INHALES.]
Look, you just met this guy.
I've known him since I was in pigtails.
- What? - I rocked pigtails well into my 30s.
Well, how long is Leo's yurt going to rock my patio? I hate to break it to you, but the last time Leo parked it somewhere, it stayed put for 30 years.
Thank God I'm not gonna live that long.
- Know what, Grace? - [GRACE SIGHS.]
I went to Sambadha looking for something, and I just may have found it.
In a barefoot guru? That's how I take my guru.
- Look, I like Leo.
- [SIGHS.]
It's new, and I'd appreciate your support.
Yeah.
Like you supported me when Nick and I were new? Nick has always been my favorite Koch brother.
["HAIL KNIGHT" FROM MAN OF LA MANCHA PLAYING.]
Hail Knight of the woeful countenance Knight of the woeful countenance Wherever you go People will know Of the glorious deeds Of the Knight of the woeful Countenance I don't know what is so interesting on your phone, Peter.
A Zappos sale that should take us straight into break.
Yep, quick ten, everybody! Who needs some vocal chord therapy? Oh, yay, Sol's here! Yay, his shirt is screaming at us.
Are you sure it's not belting at you? Where did my belt go? - I think it ran away from your shirt.
- [CHUCKLES.]
[OLIVER.]
You know who I saw on Grindr yesterday? - Matt Bomer.
- Who? Why would Matt Bomer be on Grindr in San Diego? I saw that guy from Riverdale on Grindr at my doctor's office.
I go to my doctor's office all the time.
Where I read a very tantalizing exposé about Hollywood's original Latin Lover.
Mmm, Selena Gomez? Hint: he was Argentinian.
- Pope Francis! - Evita? Oh, come on.
Fernando Lamas! The Merry Widow? Peter, you remember Fernando Lamas.
[CHUCKLES SOFTLY.]
Don't pull me down with you.
[BARRY CHUCKLES.]
So, do you miss this? You miss all this J.
Crew? Hey, it's Wet Seal for Men.
[CHUCKLES.]
It's the same look as year-2000 Barry.
That's the exact same shirt that he wore at his Y2Kegger - where we bowled.
- Epic New Year's.
Why does he always want bowl on New Year's? - So are we gonna see Liz or - No.
She's gonna be late.
She's judging a synchronized swimming tournament.
I think we're all judging that.
- [CHUCKLES.]
Yeah.
- Hey, that is a very competitive sport.
- Calm down.
- No, she wanted to be here, because we have some news.
[INHALES.]
We have [SIGHS.]
decided to do our part to over-populate the world.
Oh, my God, you're pregnant! Calm down.
Not yet, but hopefully soon.
Holy shit, that's awesome.
I know.
Yeah.
So, which one of you is gonna, you know [IMITATES EXPLOSION.]
Me.
She called "not it" first.
Oh, I'm sorry.
No, it's okay.
I've been looking for an excuse to let myself go.
Me too.
[CHUCKLES.]
So, I have a big question for you.
Are you Are you gonna ask me to be the godfather? Because that is an a Don't do your Marlon Brando impression.
I've been working on it.
- It's better.
- [SIGHS.]
I've heard you.
It is not.
I'm actually asking you to be the father.
What? I'm sorry.
I'm the slightest bit drunk.
What did you just say? Liz and I would like your sperm.
Robert, you have guests, they can hear you swearing in here.
Well, I don't give a flippin' dang! Are you being perhaps just a tad immature? If I were, I'd fit in better.
So it's a younger crowd [TAP RUNNING.]
they speak a different language.
If you wanted, you could win them over.
With what? A sailor suit and a giant lollipop? That would get their attention.
But I was thinking of something more like drinkies.
Whatever happened to drinkies? Well, when Peter got his third DUI, we thought it best to put a pin in it.
So, take the pin out.
Don't know.
I'm pretty sure he's banned from all the ride-share apps.
Then it's decided.
We'll host.
Now go back out there, Robert.
Go get 'em! Good gracious, Sol.
You sound like a high school football coach.
Miss Schutzer.
I wonder whatever happened to her.
So this is how Leo sees Frankie.
She said it's her essence.
Her essence is leaking all over your floor.
Well, then he nailed it.
- [NICK.]
Oh.
- [GRACE.]
Oh.
Oh, God.
[WATER SPLASHING.]
- [LEO.]
Oh, my God! - [FRANKIE, LEO LAUGHING.]
There's a naked hippie in my pool.
At least he's getting a rinse.
We're surrounded on all sides.
A circus tent blocking my ocean view and this diphtheria epidemic in my courtyard.
So let's stay at my places for a few days.
- Give them some space.
- [CLANG.]
I'm worried she'll explode something.
And if history is any indicator, the beach house is well within the yurt's blast radius.
Why are you so worked up? Frankie met her match.
If she has someone it could be good for us.
Yeah, but it may not be good for her.
Doesn't he set off your bullshit detector? No more than Frankie does, and she's harmless.
Yeah, but I know Frankie.
I don't know him at all.
The last time we questioned her judgment, it only pissed her off.
Let's get to know the guy.
Maybe you'll warm up to him like Frankie warmed up to me.
You know who else she warmed up to? Jim Jones! - She's low-hanging fruit! - Hey.
You might be right to worry.
We don't know Leo.
But I do know that if you don't cool it, Frankie ends up with him [FRANKIE LAUGHING IN DISTANCE.]
I know.
I could lose her.
So give him a chance.
[LEO.]
Cannonball! [WATER SPLASHES.]
Well, now we know he's not circumcised.
There's your icebreaker.
[LAUGHS.]
Thanks, all, for this marginally productive use of our time.
Uh Uh, fellas.
If all of you are free after rehearsal tomorrow night, how would you like to come over for drinkies? It's a New Lear Theatre tradition of drinking.
[CHUCKLES.]
Too much, some might say.
And in Peter's case, the state of California would agree.
And Nevada.
I'm in.
Alcohol does numb my leg pain.
Shall we say eight o'clock? So I love the area that we're in here, but guess who's making a surprise appearance tomorrow night at Club Rampage? It's Ke$ha! Shut up! Ke$ha's my Britney! Yeah.
So, drinkies with Ke$ha? But parking is free here.
Everything is free here.
And there's parking.
Robert, it's Ke$ha.
Stop sleeping on Ke$ha! [MOUTHS.]
You're going.
[CHUCKLES.]
Ke$ha is a recording artist, yes? I can't tell if you're joking or sad.
Yes.
Mmm.
I want to meet the wizard that made that chicken parmigiana out of vegetables and bird seed.
I just want to meet any wizard.
Oh, you have powers of your own.
You pushed a button on a phone, 20 minutes later, this vegan feast appeared.
It's called Postmates and I invented it, but I didn't tell anyone I invented it, so then someone else did.
If I knew all this was a button away Oh.
That's why I've gone soft.
I've been sleeping with the enemy and eating with the enemy and letting the enemy do my taxes.
Don't be so hard on yourself.
You didn't have the spartan life of the ashram to keep you honest.
Well, something has got to snap me out of this beautiful bourgeois nightmare.
Something's got to keep me from getting lured into it, 'cause I'm really getting into Ray Donovan.
- Oh, well, Liev Schreiber is so - Oh! - multi-talented and hand - Yeah, yeah.
Nice try, Satan! - Damn it.
- [GROANS.]
If we want our lives to be about something bigger, we need to drill down to what's most important to us.
[SIGHS.]
How can we do that? Cacao.
Hell yes.
I was just doing the exact same thing at my desk.
[CHUCKLES.]
Well, I don't pay you to play with fidget spinners.
I haven't paid myself in many months.
Of course you haven't.
That's why everyone wants to have a baby with you.
[SCOFFS.]
Look I get that this is a big deal.
It's a big deal.
Erin is my oldest friend.
Thought your mom was your oldest friend.
For your information, my dad is my oldest friend, my mom is my first girlfriend.
Boy, who wouldn't want your genetic material? Oh, come on.
I'm tall.
I'm smart.
And technically, I have two girlfriends.
Okay, what happens when this kid grows up and asks who their father is? You heard Erin.
[STAMMERS.]
I'm Uncle Barry.
I'm only as involved as I want to be.
You're always involved.
You're on the neighborhood watch for places you don't live.
You always have time for anyone with a clipboard.
They work so hard.
You'll teach this girl how to play catch or buy this little boy his first dress.
What about when he grows up? This is a fuck-ton to ask of someone.
I know it's a fuck-ton to ask of you.
So don't do it.
Look, when we got together for real, I took the idea of having kids, tucked it away on a shelf in the garage.
And I'm okay with that because I want to be with you.
You have no idea how much I appreciate you doing that for me.
But now I have this chance to, in some small way, be a dad.
And it might be my only shot.
Has the space been cleansed? Spiritually, yes, but the wine stain that looks like Ernest Borgnine is there for life, I'm afraid.
- I have the sacred vessel.
- Oh.
- Did you wash the chili out of it? - Yes.
Did you by chance do all the dishes? [CHUCKLES.]
[WHISPERS.]
They haven't seen us.
Quick, let's jump out the window.
Come on.
You can do this.
[CLICKS TONGUE.]
Well, what's going on here? You having a fondue party? Oh, Grace.
What you don't know could fill your crystal vase, which I broke earlier today and I'm sorry.
That's okay, I'm sure another one of my grandmothers will die.
Anyway [INHALES.]
We were hoping the two of you would join us for dinner tonight.
You know, at that very nice vegan place on the shore.
Postmates? It's delicious.
Unfortunately, it's called Branch.
Unfortunately, it's called Bark.
I heard Moby eats there.
Oh, yes, I know.
I've seen the blurry pictures of him on Yelp.
- So? - We can't.
We're having a cacao ceremony.
- That's our cue.
- To say that sounds like fun and [GRACE SIGHS.]
Maybe we could join you.
For a journey into your soul? Man, you must really want to get back on my good side.
Lady Cacao does welcome all searchers.
Then it's a date.
Super! So what do we do? Stick our hands in it or what? Your mind hands.
Oh, fuck.
[LEO.]
This is ceremonial-grade cacao: raw, bitter, and blessed in the ancient Mayan tradition by Shaman Brad.
So, it's chocolate.
Great, I'm a fiend.
I stash Godiva bars on all my help, just to have it on hand.
If you both are done, Lady Cacao would like your attention.
Before we drink, we must each set an intention for our lives.
A what? Just write down something you want and stick it in the bowl.
[SIGHS.]
Hope I got this ratio right.
The last time I did this, it was for 400 people.
- Are any of those people still alive? - [LEO.]
A good amount.
To Lady Cacao.
Wait.
Anything in here will interfere with my statins? This is drug free and non-psychoactive.
Yep, totally cool.
[NICK.]
Hmm.
[CLUB MUSIC PLAYING.]
[OVERLAPPING CHATTER.]
Y'all, I just found this molly on the floor of the party bus! I'm gonna take it! [LAUGHS.]
[INDISTINCT VOICES.]
- My God.
- Robert, you made it! Yes, I should have known the entrance would be an unmarked door in an alley.
A break-dancing twink kicked me in the head.
It was incredible.
It sounds great.
Someone threw up on a table, but as soon as they clean it off, it's ours.
I'll be right in.
I'm just going to take some "Polly.
" [WHISPERS.]
Okay.
Hey, Daddy, can I direct you to the grown-ups' table? [MUFFLED MUSIC PLAYING.]
[INDISTINCT SONG PLAYING.]
[MAN 1.]
Oh, no, don't be fooled! Bar's open.
Newcomers get a free cheeseburger with their first drink.
Can I have a scotch on the rocks, please? You know, they were roommates for 12 years.
"Confirmed bachelors.
" I understand Cary Grant confirmed things with a few handsome bachelors.
Some of those confirmations began right here.
- Really? - Mm-hmm.
[ROBERT.]
Well, I'll be.
Have you by any chance ever heard of Fernando Lamas? Oh, sure.
I was so jealous of his affair with Lana Turner that I gave her a mustache in my Legends of Hollywood calendar.
My mother took my copy away.
Didn't work, Ma.
I'm talking to a man in leather.
[KNOCKING ON DOOR.]
- Hi.
- Hi.
Is my dad here? He's not answering his phone, and I need someone to tell me it's okay to be selfish.
I'm afraid he's at a club.
Sorry, I asked where my dad is.
An outing with his theater group.
They're seeing Ke$ha! Okay.
- Bye, Sol.
- No, no, what's going on? Just [SIGHS.]
You know, Barry's friend asked for his sperm and I'm gonna go kill myself.
Oh, that old chestnut.
Yeah, so - Anyway - Want to see my new dog? No, thank you.
- Want to break into your dad's scotch? - Yes.
I'll take a peek at that dog, too.
Oh, thank you for going with me on that Five Elements Dance journey.
And thank you for putting your fingers in my mouth.
That was a little weird.
Now that our hearts are open, time to share our life intentions.
Oh, I [STAMMERING.]
wasn't aware we were sharing.
Well, it would be a pretty stupid ceremony if we didn't read them aloud, Grace.
Oh, that's the stupid part.
[SCOFFS.]
Just for that, you're gonna go first.
No, I'll go.
[NICK GROANS.]
"I'd love to get the SEC off my back.
" Why is the SEC on your back? 'Cause they're a bunch of nerds.
Wow, I've never heard the SEC mentioned in a cacao ceremony before.
I thought this was supposed to be a safe space.
Leo is just not used to breaking bread with capitalists.
Is there bread? 'Cause I got to say, this chocolate isn't sitting right.
None of this is sitting right.
- Let me show you how it's done.
- [SIGHS.]
"I want to start living a life I will be proud of in the end.
" What's that supposed to mean? Maybe I've taken a wrong turn.
You mean with me? I'm the wrong turn you took? I'm just being honest.
You want to see honesty? "I want to get through this caca ceremony without killing Frankie.
" I'm gonna take Leo outside and explain to him why it's better to be outside.
Now that you're up.
[LEO GROANS.]
Thanks a lot.
Oh, I'm sorry! Am I doing your bullshit ceremony wrong? Am I losing points because I didn't bring my own dirty yurt or seeping bust? No, you're losing points because you don't take me seriously, as is your wont.
No, Frankie, what I don't take seriously is looking for answers in terrible chocolate.
I take you very seriously.
Then why can't you understand I'm searching for something? I do.
I just don't understand why you're searching for it everywhere but here.
If it were here, I would've found it already.
You can't even find your glasses when they're on top of your head! I'm talking about something with meaning.
Something that matters.
I thought you and I were doing something with meaning.
You know, I thought helping older women masturbate mattered.
It does.
I thought we mattered.
We do.
Well, then stop acting like we don't.
Have Erin and her wife considered a sperm bank? Nah, they want to know the guy, which, I guess, is a thing.
Barry's a catch.
He's so nice and funny and tall.
What is he, six-foot-four? Sol, I already have lesbians after him.
Don't need you as well.
He wants to do this though, right? Yes, but Barry also thought he wanted to be a fedora guy for a while.
Oh, God, I remember.
[INHALES.]
Maybe show Erin some pictures of that? Erin.
Agh.
I hope she gets hit by a plane.
Sorry, I didn't mean that.
Why do I all of a sudden hate this woman? I've always liked her.
She knows how to bag on Barry.
'Cause this is a primal thing you're dealing with.
And I've been all caught up in that before.
When Frankie and I were trying to have kids and couldn't it almost broke us up.
We didn't know where to turn.
See? Exactly.
It's the kind of stuff that breaks people up.
And if Barry does this for Erin, they will share this crazy bond.
And I'll always be on the outside.
No, you won't.
Because you and Barry will always have this incredible thing that you did for him.
It'd be pretty incredible of me, huh? Yes, it would.
Never been the generous one in a relationship before.
And you still won't be.
Good.
She totally Wizard of Oz'd me.
It turns out the thing I was looking for was here the whole time.
Cacao never lies.
I know.
We never read your intention.
It was, "I want to help Frankie find her way.
" Oh.
You did.
I guess my work is done here.
Sambadha is calling.
I want to give you something.
Your left eye.
In gratitude for bringing me to clarity.
Thank you.
That is really moving.
Of course, you realize I can't hang it 'cause I don't have any walls.
Well, then give it back to me.
- I couldn't possibly - Oh! [INDISTINCT SONG PLAYING.]
I notice I'm not in vogue with the dress code here.
May I ask how you came to leather? Most of my life I was treated as if I wasn't a real man because I like men.
Then a few years ago, a friend introduced me to this, and it just felt right.
I was finally able to express my masculinity in a way that made sense to me.
I guess I'm making up for lost time now.
Well, theater was my leather until my junior thespian friends - tried to take me to Rampage.
- Ow! That place isn't for anyone who remembers both Darrins.
It certainly wasn't for me.
Ah, let the young enjoy their youth.
As long as I can enjoy my old age in a place like this.
You should have seen this in its heyday.
- Really? - Oh, yeah.
There was a big piano and everyone would sing and dance.
- The worse, the better.
- [LAUGHS.]
- He says that because he was the worse.
- [LAUGHS.]
Boy, I wish I was here then.
Of course, I would have been one of those confirmed bachelors.
But it's nice the way it is now, too.
Well, enjoy it while you still can.
It's closing down for good next month.
No, I live here now.
[DOOR SLAMS.]
Oh.
- [FRANKIE.]
Uh-oh! Uh-oh! - [CLATTERING.]
A little help, please! What the hell are you doing? What does it look like? I'm putting my head down the garbage disposal.
- [MACHINE STOPS.]
- [SIGHS.]
Let me do the honors.
Be my guest.
[EXHALES.]
Oh, no! We have to do it right.
Goodbye, head.
Goodbye, head.
Now you.
Goodbye, head.
Goodbye, head.
[BOTH SIGH.]
Ah! It was really an amazing likeness.
I see the yurt's gone.
And with it, its most enigmatic inhabitant.
Are you okay with that? It was time for him to go.
Thank you for kicking me in the ass.
Hey, I'm ready to kick anytime.
[FRANKIE CHUCKLES.]
You do realize that you've destroyed our disposal, right? Goodbye, head.
Goodbye, head.
Goodbye, head.
Goodbye, head.
Goodbye, head.
Goodbye, head.
Goodbye, head.
Everything will be all right This morning Everything will be all right tonight Everything will be all right This morning Everything gonna be all right I caught some flak And it near had me buried I stank of failure and it did me in I was ready to crawl down in a bucket Swim with the maggots Of the garbage bin - Wait up - Someone shouting From the skies up above me I had to, had to peek over the rim Lo and behold! An angel before me Singing the words of Carole King When you're down You've got a friend Get up and sing [WOMAN.]
Okay, good night.
Well, I don't know Why I came here tonight Got the feelin' That somethin' ain't right I'm so scared In case I fall off my chair And I'm wondering How I'll get down the stairs And there's clowns to the left of me Jokers to the right Here I am Stuck in the middle with you Yes, I'm stuck in the middle with you Ooh [CHUCKLES.]
So how does this baby compare to your yurt? Similar.
Less exploded.
[CHUCKLES.]
Oh, I miss yurting.
It's much more honest than living in a beach house.
- Huh? - [SIGHS.]
Now, let's rustle up some breakfast.
Yeah! [SIGHS.]
Oh.
What a view.
Ah.
And that's why corporations are people.
- What in God's name? - [NICK.]
You disagree? No, Frankie's back and she's dug up Jerry Garcia.
Grace, Nick.
'Sup? - 'Sup with the tiki-hut? - What's up with your face? This is the woman I was telling you about.
I thought you said her hair was snakes.
She has notes on my hair? My name's Nick.
My hair's hair.
My shoes are snakes.
Leo.
My shoes are feet.
Now that all the unpleasantries are done.
No, but really? You You disappear for two days without so much as a phone call? I was at the ashram.
I gathered as much when I called the ashram and they said you were there.
I needed space to heal after my harrowing escape from this spiderweb of lies.
That was my fault.
I'm having Dr.
Joe send over some apology acid.
Leo and I are on a trip of our own now, thanks.
But we never turn down acid.
- Right.
Right.
- Hmm.
- Oh, gosh, we are so in step.
- [CHUCKLES.]
And you're already sharing clothes.
Along with the portable shanty town.
- Is it a FEMA tent? - It's a yurt.
It's Leo's.
And the blankets are mostly yours.
So you two are a thing now? Don't try to slap your heteronormative cis labels on us.
And yes, we are a thing.
All I know is that this magical woman shook something loose in me.
Yeah, I'll bet it was loose before Frankie came on the scene.
Oh, ignore her, Leo.
She doesn't get it.
She never will.
And you better have bought the groceries I like.
- Know what's funny about us? - Hmm? We pay the same in taxes.
[GRACE.]
Frankie? I'm sorry we tried to trick you.
You know, I was worried about you.
Oh, because my hand was tired? Ta-da! [SIGHS.]
The only thing that's a tremor now is my heart.
Yeah, I can see that a lump of patchouli could do that to you.
[INHALES.]
Look, you just met this guy.
I've known him since I was in pigtails.
- What? - I rocked pigtails well into my 30s.
Well, how long is Leo's yurt going to rock my patio? I hate to break it to you, but the last time Leo parked it somewhere, it stayed put for 30 years.
Thank God I'm not gonna live that long.
- Know what, Grace? - [GRACE SIGHS.]
I went to Sambadha looking for something, and I just may have found it.
In a barefoot guru? That's how I take my guru.
- Look, I like Leo.
- [SIGHS.]
It's new, and I'd appreciate your support.
Yeah.
Like you supported me when Nick and I were new? Nick has always been my favorite Koch brother.
["HAIL KNIGHT" FROM MAN OF LA MANCHA PLAYING.]
Hail Knight of the woeful countenance Knight of the woeful countenance Wherever you go People will know Of the glorious deeds Of the Knight of the woeful Countenance I don't know what is so interesting on your phone, Peter.
A Zappos sale that should take us straight into break.
Yep, quick ten, everybody! Who needs some vocal chord therapy? Oh, yay, Sol's here! Yay, his shirt is screaming at us.
Are you sure it's not belting at you? Where did my belt go? - I think it ran away from your shirt.
- [CHUCKLES.]
[OLIVER.]
You know who I saw on Grindr yesterday? - Matt Bomer.
- Who? Why would Matt Bomer be on Grindr in San Diego? I saw that guy from Riverdale on Grindr at my doctor's office.
I go to my doctor's office all the time.
Where I read a very tantalizing exposé about Hollywood's original Latin Lover.
Mmm, Selena Gomez? Hint: he was Argentinian.
- Pope Francis! - Evita? Oh, come on.
Fernando Lamas! The Merry Widow? Peter, you remember Fernando Lamas.
[CHUCKLES SOFTLY.]
Don't pull me down with you.
[BARRY CHUCKLES.]
So, do you miss this? You miss all this J.
Crew? Hey, it's Wet Seal for Men.
[CHUCKLES.]
It's the same look as year-2000 Barry.
That's the exact same shirt that he wore at his Y2Kegger - where we bowled.
- Epic New Year's.
Why does he always want bowl on New Year's? - So are we gonna see Liz or - No.
She's gonna be late.
She's judging a synchronized swimming tournament.
I think we're all judging that.
- [CHUCKLES.]
Yeah.
- Hey, that is a very competitive sport.
- Calm down.
- No, she wanted to be here, because we have some news.
[INHALES.]
We have [SIGHS.]
decided to do our part to over-populate the world.
Oh, my God, you're pregnant! Calm down.
Not yet, but hopefully soon.
Holy shit, that's awesome.
I know.
Yeah.
So, which one of you is gonna, you know [IMITATES EXPLOSION.]
Me.
She called "not it" first.
Oh, I'm sorry.
No, it's okay.
I've been looking for an excuse to let myself go.
Me too.
[CHUCKLES.]
So, I have a big question for you.
Are you Are you gonna ask me to be the godfather? Because that is an a Don't do your Marlon Brando impression.
I've been working on it.
- It's better.
- [SIGHS.]
I've heard you.
It is not.
I'm actually asking you to be the father.
What? I'm sorry.
I'm the slightest bit drunk.
What did you just say? Liz and I would like your sperm.
Robert, you have guests, they can hear you swearing in here.
Well, I don't give a flippin' dang! Are you being perhaps just a tad immature? If I were, I'd fit in better.
So it's a younger crowd [TAP RUNNING.]
they speak a different language.
If you wanted, you could win them over.
With what? A sailor suit and a giant lollipop? That would get their attention.
But I was thinking of something more like drinkies.
Whatever happened to drinkies? Well, when Peter got his third DUI, we thought it best to put a pin in it.
So, take the pin out.
Don't know.
I'm pretty sure he's banned from all the ride-share apps.
Then it's decided.
We'll host.
Now go back out there, Robert.
Go get 'em! Good gracious, Sol.
You sound like a high school football coach.
Miss Schutzer.
I wonder whatever happened to her.
So this is how Leo sees Frankie.
She said it's her essence.
Her essence is leaking all over your floor.
Well, then he nailed it.
- [NICK.]
Oh.
- [GRACE.]
Oh.
Oh, God.
[WATER SPLASHING.]
- [LEO.]
Oh, my God! - [FRANKIE, LEO LAUGHING.]
There's a naked hippie in my pool.
At least he's getting a rinse.
We're surrounded on all sides.
A circus tent blocking my ocean view and this diphtheria epidemic in my courtyard.
So let's stay at my places for a few days.
- Give them some space.
- [CLANG.]
I'm worried she'll explode something.
And if history is any indicator, the beach house is well within the yurt's blast radius.
Why are you so worked up? Frankie met her match.
If she has someone it could be good for us.
Yeah, but it may not be good for her.
Doesn't he set off your bullshit detector? No more than Frankie does, and she's harmless.
Yeah, but I know Frankie.
I don't know him at all.
The last time we questioned her judgment, it only pissed her off.
Let's get to know the guy.
Maybe you'll warm up to him like Frankie warmed up to me.
You know who else she warmed up to? Jim Jones! - She's low-hanging fruit! - Hey.
You might be right to worry.
We don't know Leo.
But I do know that if you don't cool it, Frankie ends up with him [FRANKIE LAUGHING IN DISTANCE.]
I know.
I could lose her.
So give him a chance.
[LEO.]
Cannonball! [WATER SPLASHES.]
Well, now we know he's not circumcised.
There's your icebreaker.
[LAUGHS.]
Thanks, all, for this marginally productive use of our time.
Uh Uh, fellas.
If all of you are free after rehearsal tomorrow night, how would you like to come over for drinkies? It's a New Lear Theatre tradition of drinking.
[CHUCKLES.]
Too much, some might say.
And in Peter's case, the state of California would agree.
And Nevada.
I'm in.
Alcohol does numb my leg pain.
Shall we say eight o'clock? So I love the area that we're in here, but guess who's making a surprise appearance tomorrow night at Club Rampage? It's Ke$ha! Shut up! Ke$ha's my Britney! Yeah.
So, drinkies with Ke$ha? But parking is free here.
Everything is free here.
And there's parking.
Robert, it's Ke$ha.
Stop sleeping on Ke$ha! [MOUTHS.]
You're going.
[CHUCKLES.]
Ke$ha is a recording artist, yes? I can't tell if you're joking or sad.
Yes.
Mmm.
I want to meet the wizard that made that chicken parmigiana out of vegetables and bird seed.
I just want to meet any wizard.
Oh, you have powers of your own.
You pushed a button on a phone, 20 minutes later, this vegan feast appeared.
It's called Postmates and I invented it, but I didn't tell anyone I invented it, so then someone else did.
If I knew all this was a button away Oh.
That's why I've gone soft.
I've been sleeping with the enemy and eating with the enemy and letting the enemy do my taxes.
Don't be so hard on yourself.
You didn't have the spartan life of the ashram to keep you honest.
Well, something has got to snap me out of this beautiful bourgeois nightmare.
Something's got to keep me from getting lured into it, 'cause I'm really getting into Ray Donovan.
- Oh, well, Liev Schreiber is so - Oh! - multi-talented and hand - Yeah, yeah.
Nice try, Satan! - Damn it.
- [GROANS.]
If we want our lives to be about something bigger, we need to drill down to what's most important to us.
[SIGHS.]
How can we do that? Cacao.
Hell yes.
I was just doing the exact same thing at my desk.
[CHUCKLES.]
Well, I don't pay you to play with fidget spinners.
I haven't paid myself in many months.
Of course you haven't.
That's why everyone wants to have a baby with you.
[SCOFFS.]
Look I get that this is a big deal.
It's a big deal.
Erin is my oldest friend.
Thought your mom was your oldest friend.
For your information, my dad is my oldest friend, my mom is my first girlfriend.
Boy, who wouldn't want your genetic material? Oh, come on.
I'm tall.
I'm smart.
And technically, I have two girlfriends.
Okay, what happens when this kid grows up and asks who their father is? You heard Erin.
[STAMMERS.]
I'm Uncle Barry.
I'm only as involved as I want to be.
You're always involved.
You're on the neighborhood watch for places you don't live.
You always have time for anyone with a clipboard.
They work so hard.
You'll teach this girl how to play catch or buy this little boy his first dress.
What about when he grows up? This is a fuck-ton to ask of someone.
I know it's a fuck-ton to ask of you.
So don't do it.
Look, when we got together for real, I took the idea of having kids, tucked it away on a shelf in the garage.
And I'm okay with that because I want to be with you.
You have no idea how much I appreciate you doing that for me.
But now I have this chance to, in some small way, be a dad.
And it might be my only shot.
Has the space been cleansed? Spiritually, yes, but the wine stain that looks like Ernest Borgnine is there for life, I'm afraid.
- I have the sacred vessel.
- Oh.
- Did you wash the chili out of it? - Yes.
Did you by chance do all the dishes? [CHUCKLES.]
[WHISPERS.]
They haven't seen us.
Quick, let's jump out the window.
Come on.
You can do this.
[CLICKS TONGUE.]
Well, what's going on here? You having a fondue party? Oh, Grace.
What you don't know could fill your crystal vase, which I broke earlier today and I'm sorry.
That's okay, I'm sure another one of my grandmothers will die.
Anyway [INHALES.]
We were hoping the two of you would join us for dinner tonight.
You know, at that very nice vegan place on the shore.
Postmates? It's delicious.
Unfortunately, it's called Branch.
Unfortunately, it's called Bark.
I heard Moby eats there.
Oh, yes, I know.
I've seen the blurry pictures of him on Yelp.
- So? - We can't.
We're having a cacao ceremony.
- That's our cue.
- To say that sounds like fun and [GRACE SIGHS.]
Maybe we could join you.
For a journey into your soul? Man, you must really want to get back on my good side.
Lady Cacao does welcome all searchers.
Then it's a date.
Super! So what do we do? Stick our hands in it or what? Your mind hands.
Oh, fuck.
[LEO.]
This is ceremonial-grade cacao: raw, bitter, and blessed in the ancient Mayan tradition by Shaman Brad.
So, it's chocolate.
Great, I'm a fiend.
I stash Godiva bars on all my help, just to have it on hand.
If you both are done, Lady Cacao would like your attention.
Before we drink, we must each set an intention for our lives.
A what? Just write down something you want and stick it in the bowl.
[SIGHS.]
Hope I got this ratio right.
The last time I did this, it was for 400 people.
- Are any of those people still alive? - [LEO.]
A good amount.
To Lady Cacao.
Wait.
Anything in here will interfere with my statins? This is drug free and non-psychoactive.
Yep, totally cool.
[NICK.]
Hmm.
[CLUB MUSIC PLAYING.]
[OVERLAPPING CHATTER.]
Y'all, I just found this molly on the floor of the party bus! I'm gonna take it! [LAUGHS.]
[INDISTINCT VOICES.]
- My God.
- Robert, you made it! Yes, I should have known the entrance would be an unmarked door in an alley.
A break-dancing twink kicked me in the head.
It was incredible.
It sounds great.
Someone threw up on a table, but as soon as they clean it off, it's ours.
I'll be right in.
I'm just going to take some "Polly.
" [WHISPERS.]
Okay.
Hey, Daddy, can I direct you to the grown-ups' table? [MUFFLED MUSIC PLAYING.]
[INDISTINCT SONG PLAYING.]
[MAN 1.]
Oh, no, don't be fooled! Bar's open.
Newcomers get a free cheeseburger with their first drink.
Can I have a scotch on the rocks, please? You know, they were roommates for 12 years.
"Confirmed bachelors.
" I understand Cary Grant confirmed things with a few handsome bachelors.
Some of those confirmations began right here.
- Really? - Mm-hmm.
[ROBERT.]
Well, I'll be.
Have you by any chance ever heard of Fernando Lamas? Oh, sure.
I was so jealous of his affair with Lana Turner that I gave her a mustache in my Legends of Hollywood calendar.
My mother took my copy away.
Didn't work, Ma.
I'm talking to a man in leather.
[KNOCKING ON DOOR.]
- Hi.
- Hi.
Is my dad here? He's not answering his phone, and I need someone to tell me it's okay to be selfish.
I'm afraid he's at a club.
Sorry, I asked where my dad is.
An outing with his theater group.
They're seeing Ke$ha! Okay.
- Bye, Sol.
- No, no, what's going on? Just [SIGHS.]
You know, Barry's friend asked for his sperm and I'm gonna go kill myself.
Oh, that old chestnut.
Yeah, so - Anyway - Want to see my new dog? No, thank you.
- Want to break into your dad's scotch? - Yes.
I'll take a peek at that dog, too.
Oh, thank you for going with me on that Five Elements Dance journey.
And thank you for putting your fingers in my mouth.
That was a little weird.
Now that our hearts are open, time to share our life intentions.
Oh, I [STAMMERING.]
wasn't aware we were sharing.
Well, it would be a pretty stupid ceremony if we didn't read them aloud, Grace.
Oh, that's the stupid part.
[SCOFFS.]
Just for that, you're gonna go first.
No, I'll go.
[NICK GROANS.]
"I'd love to get the SEC off my back.
" Why is the SEC on your back? 'Cause they're a bunch of nerds.
Wow, I've never heard the SEC mentioned in a cacao ceremony before.
I thought this was supposed to be a safe space.
Leo is just not used to breaking bread with capitalists.
Is there bread? 'Cause I got to say, this chocolate isn't sitting right.
None of this is sitting right.
- Let me show you how it's done.
- [SIGHS.]
"I want to start living a life I will be proud of in the end.
" What's that supposed to mean? Maybe I've taken a wrong turn.
You mean with me? I'm the wrong turn you took? I'm just being honest.
You want to see honesty? "I want to get through this caca ceremony without killing Frankie.
" I'm gonna take Leo outside and explain to him why it's better to be outside.
Now that you're up.
[LEO GROANS.]
Thanks a lot.
Oh, I'm sorry! Am I doing your bullshit ceremony wrong? Am I losing points because I didn't bring my own dirty yurt or seeping bust? No, you're losing points because you don't take me seriously, as is your wont.
No, Frankie, what I don't take seriously is looking for answers in terrible chocolate.
I take you very seriously.
Then why can't you understand I'm searching for something? I do.
I just don't understand why you're searching for it everywhere but here.
If it were here, I would've found it already.
You can't even find your glasses when they're on top of your head! I'm talking about something with meaning.
Something that matters.
I thought you and I were doing something with meaning.
You know, I thought helping older women masturbate mattered.
It does.
I thought we mattered.
We do.
Well, then stop acting like we don't.
Have Erin and her wife considered a sperm bank? Nah, they want to know the guy, which, I guess, is a thing.
Barry's a catch.
He's so nice and funny and tall.
What is he, six-foot-four? Sol, I already have lesbians after him.
Don't need you as well.
He wants to do this though, right? Yes, but Barry also thought he wanted to be a fedora guy for a while.
Oh, God, I remember.
[INHALES.]
Maybe show Erin some pictures of that? Erin.
Agh.
I hope she gets hit by a plane.
Sorry, I didn't mean that.
Why do I all of a sudden hate this woman? I've always liked her.
She knows how to bag on Barry.
'Cause this is a primal thing you're dealing with.
And I've been all caught up in that before.
When Frankie and I were trying to have kids and couldn't it almost broke us up.
We didn't know where to turn.
See? Exactly.
It's the kind of stuff that breaks people up.
And if Barry does this for Erin, they will share this crazy bond.
And I'll always be on the outside.
No, you won't.
Because you and Barry will always have this incredible thing that you did for him.
It'd be pretty incredible of me, huh? Yes, it would.
Never been the generous one in a relationship before.
And you still won't be.
Good.
She totally Wizard of Oz'd me.
It turns out the thing I was looking for was here the whole time.
Cacao never lies.
I know.
We never read your intention.
It was, "I want to help Frankie find her way.
" Oh.
You did.
I guess my work is done here.
Sambadha is calling.
I want to give you something.
Your left eye.
In gratitude for bringing me to clarity.
Thank you.
That is really moving.
Of course, you realize I can't hang it 'cause I don't have any walls.
Well, then give it back to me.
- I couldn't possibly - Oh! [INDISTINCT SONG PLAYING.]
I notice I'm not in vogue with the dress code here.
May I ask how you came to leather? Most of my life I was treated as if I wasn't a real man because I like men.
Then a few years ago, a friend introduced me to this, and it just felt right.
I was finally able to express my masculinity in a way that made sense to me.
I guess I'm making up for lost time now.
Well, theater was my leather until my junior thespian friends - tried to take me to Rampage.
- Ow! That place isn't for anyone who remembers both Darrins.
It certainly wasn't for me.
Ah, let the young enjoy their youth.
As long as I can enjoy my old age in a place like this.
You should have seen this in its heyday.
- Really? - Oh, yeah.
There was a big piano and everyone would sing and dance.
- The worse, the better.
- [LAUGHS.]
- He says that because he was the worse.
- [LAUGHS.]
Boy, I wish I was here then.
Of course, I would have been one of those confirmed bachelors.
But it's nice the way it is now, too.
Well, enjoy it while you still can.
It's closing down for good next month.
No, I live here now.
[DOOR SLAMS.]
Oh.
- [FRANKIE.]
Uh-oh! Uh-oh! - [CLATTERING.]
A little help, please! What the hell are you doing? What does it look like? I'm putting my head down the garbage disposal.
- [MACHINE STOPS.]
- [SIGHS.]
Let me do the honors.
Be my guest.
[EXHALES.]
Oh, no! We have to do it right.
Goodbye, head.
Goodbye, head.
Now you.
Goodbye, head.
Goodbye, head.
[BOTH SIGH.]
Ah! It was really an amazing likeness.
I see the yurt's gone.
And with it, its most enigmatic inhabitant.
Are you okay with that? It was time for him to go.
Thank you for kicking me in the ass.
Hey, I'm ready to kick anytime.
[FRANKIE CHUCKLES.]
You do realize that you've destroyed our disposal, right? Goodbye, head.
Goodbye, head.
Goodbye, head.
Goodbye, head.
Goodbye, head.
Goodbye, head.
Goodbye, head.
Everything will be all right This morning Everything will be all right tonight Everything will be all right This morning Everything gonna be all right I caught some flak And it near had me buried I stank of failure and it did me in I was ready to crawl down in a bucket Swim with the maggots Of the garbage bin - Wait up - Someone shouting From the skies up above me I had to, had to peek over the rim Lo and behold! An angel before me Singing the words of Carole King When you're down You've got a friend Get up and sing [WOMAN.]
Okay, good night.