Hey Arnold! (1996) s05e08 Episode Script

1
MAN: Here we go.
HELGA: Arnold.
(YOWLING)
(BARKING)
Hey, Arnold!
(OPENING THEME MUSIC PLAYING)
(CRASHING)
(SCREAMS)
Hey, Arnold!
Arnold.
Arnold.
(SIREN WAILING)
Arnold.
Arnold.
Move it, football head!
ALL: Hey, Arnold!
(BELL RINGING)
Oh! I hate school.
I wish I never had
to go to school again.
Come on, Harold.
It's not that bad.
Yes, it is!
We're trapped in here
day after day,
doing boring stuff
and standing in line
for cold, crappy food
that they don't even
give me time to eat.
Oh, I hate it,
I hate it, I hate it!
I just wish there was
some way to get out
of school
and get to stay home
and be free.
(KIDS SCREAMING)
Oh, look at me,
I'm a fireman!
I'm a fireman!
(CHUCKLES)
What the devil
is going on?
Whoo-hoo!
I'm a fireman! Oops.
Wolfgang, that is
a flagrant violation
of school safety rules,
not to mention
federal law.
You're suspended.
What?
You heard me.
You are hereby ordered
to stay out of the school
for one entire week.
Yes?
Oh, thank you, Harold.
You're right.
I really should have
this fire extinguisher
refilled immediately.
It's not safe otherwise.
Thank you.
Now run along
to your class.
Hey! That stupid dork
was supposed to
suspend me!
Harold, did you
just call me
a stupid dork?
No, no, no!
I mean, yes!
Yes, I did call you
a stupid dork!
That's a violation
of the school constitution,
article 34, section C,
paragraph two
You're suspended.
Yes!
I mean Oh, gee!
I can't believe
they think this is
a punishment! (LAUGHS)
Nothing to do all day
but watch TV,
eat lots of junk food
and play ball!
Harold, getting suspended
isn't supposed to be
a good thing.
What, are you kidding?
This is every kid's dream!
No school or books,
or teachers
for a whole week!
This is gonna be
the best week
of my whole life!
Harold, honey,
your shredded meat
is on the table.
No thanks,
mother dear.
I want to get to school
early today
to get a head start
on my work!
Has he been eating
the instant coffee again?
This is great.
After Mom and Dad
leave, I'll sneak
back in the house.
They'll never know
I got suspended
and I'll have
the whole place
to myself.
MARILYN:
Don't forget to call
the insurance company.
JERRY: Okay. Mmm-hmm.
And pick up more milk
on your way home.
Oh, and don't forget
the dry-cleaning.
I'll be at my book club.
Anything else,
Marilyn?
I'll call you.
Oh!
(STRAINING)
Ow!
(CRASHING)
No school,
no books, no teachers.
Nothing but freedom
and chocolate
cheese munchies.
Haw, there's no
good food.
Oh, who cares.
I don't have
to eat now.
There's plenty of
other stuff to do.
Ouch!
Stupid ceiling!
Ow! Stupid bed!
Okay, then.
I can watch cartoons
and scary movies,
and all those
great talk shows
with those dumb people
yelling and throwing chairs
at each other!
PRESENTER: We now interrupt
our cartoon marathon
to bring you
ongoing live coverage
of the World Economic Summit
from Kyoto, Japan.
(WHINING)
It's on every channel!
Stupid TV!
Hey! I know
what I can do!
I'll go shoot
some baskets.
I'll call Stinky and Sid
Aw, crud! I forgot.
They're all at school.
Ah, well.
I'll just play
by myself.
(PANTS)
He taunts,
he fakes,
he shoots!
Oh!
(SIGHS)
(GRUNTS)
Oh! Desperation shot!
(CAR ALARM BEEPING)
(TIRES SCREECHING)
(CRASH)
I hate being suspended,
and it's only Monday.
I can't take it!
I wanna go back
to school!
That's H.O.R
for you, Gerald.
Hey, Arnold.
Over here!
Harold, what are you
doing in there?
I need your help.
I can't take
the suspension stuff.
I want to get back
into school.
But Harold, I thought
you wanted
to get suspended.
No, I changed my mind.
Well, I don't know
what I can do.
Just get me back
into school, okay?
(BELL RINGS)
Look, I gotta go.
Can we talk
about this later?
Hey, wait!
(GROANS)
(GRUNTS) I can't believe
I left all this rotten cheese
in the hot sun all morning.
Oh, this stuff stinks.
Stupid cheese!
Who can tell me
what the Colonists did
to protest the tea tax?
Arnold!
Huh?
Oh, I'm sorry,
Mr. Simmons,
I just thought
I saw something
out the window.
Uh-uh, all right,
Arnold,
but you won't find
any answer to this
exciting history questions
"out there".
I got to get in there!
(STRAINING)
Oh, get off of me,
you stupid bee!
Ow! Ow!
Harold? You're not supposed
to be within 100 yards
of school property.
But Principal Wartz
I'm sorry, Harold,
but the school
constitution demands
that I give you
another week
of suspension.
Another week? No!
Please!
Rules are rules.
Now, promise me, Harold,
that you won't let me
catch you on
the premises again.
I promise,
Principal Wartz.
I won't come
on the premises again.
This is perfect!
I'll use this
foolproof disguise
to pretend
I'm delivering
a pizza!
Then, I'll make a run
for Simmons' class,
I'll just tell Simmons
they cut my suspension short.
Oh, what a great plan!
Yes, can I help you?
Someone ordered a pizza
for the teacher's lounge.
(SIGHS) What are you
doing, Harold?
I don't know
what you're talking about.
I'm not Harold,
I'm a little old
Italian man
delivering a pizza.
See I I
I even have a mustache.
Ow!
That's another week's
suspension for you,
young man.
Oh!
Repeat slowly
after me
Slowly after me.
No, not yet.
All right, now.
I will not enter
the school grounds
for the next
three weeks.
I will not enter
the school grounds
for the next
three weeks.
Good. I'll see you
in three weeks.
Good. I'll see you
in three weeks.
Harold.
Harold.
No!
I'll be on
school grounds
in no time!
What a great plan!
Hello, son.
You're digging quite
a hole there, aren't you?
Yeah. See,
I got suspended
'cause I called
the principal
a stupid dork,
(GRUNTS) and now
he won't let me
into the school,
(GRUNTS)
so I'm going to tunnel in!
Is that so?
That's another week's
suspension for you,
Mr. Berman.
Oh! Ow!
And fill up
that hole.
Harold, what are
you doing?
See, I made this
giant slingshot
and I'm gonna
strap myself in,
and launch myself
into school!
Harold, it'll never work.
Besides, school's
already out.
You're acting crazy.
I know that, Arnold!
Then why are you
doing it?
Because I'm desperate!
Ow!
I wanna go back to school!
Well, well, well.
So you just keep
pushing your luck,
don't you, mister?
I'm afraid it's another
week of suspension
for you.
No!
Principal Wartz,
look at him.
Don't you think
he's learned
his lesson?
Rules are rules,
young man.
But come on!
Hasn't he
suffered enough?
Son, the school constitution
has very strict provisions.
Now don't test
my patience.
But you're not
being reasonable.
You're acting
like a tyrant!
That's it! I've had
enough of your
back talk!
You're suspended
for two days!
What? You gotta be kidding!
You want to make it a week?
PRESENTER: We're now
returning to day two
of the World
Economic Summit
from Kyoto, Japan.
I can't believe
he suspended me.
What are you
complaining about?
You only got two days.
I got five weeks!
There's gotta be
something we can do.
There's nothing, Arnold.
I tried it all.
Stupid Wartz
and his stupid rules!
That gives me
an idea!
You want to try
the slingshot again?
No. I've got
a better idea.
Come on!
What is this place?
A prison or something?
No, Harold.
It's the public library.
And don't you
come back!
What the devil
is wrong with you two?
You're not supposed to be
within 100 yards
of the school.
With all due respect, Sir,
according to
the school constitution,
article 14, section two,
paragraph five,
we are fully
within our rights.
And it says here
in article 39,
section four,
"When a student
gets suspended,
"he can appeal
if there are outside
circumcisions."
Stances.
Stances?
Stances! Outside
circumstances.
And we have here
40 pages of material
explaining why we have
the right to be
let back into school.
Under article 39,
we would like
a review of our case
by an outside agency.
You boys make
a very impressive case.
The only problem is that
you're talking about
an outdated school
constitution from 1956.
This is the current
constitution.
And there is nothing
in here about any appeal,
that's for sure.
(CRIES) Please,
Principal Wartz!
Please! I can't
take it anymore!
I'll do whatever
you want, I promise!
I won't call you
any more names like
stupid dork
or dog breath
or bubble butt
or Mount Baldmore.
I I
I learned my lesson,
and I just want to
come back to school.
Well, I suppose since
you seem to have
learned your lesson,
that the suspension
has accomplished
its desired goal.
So as of tomorrow,
your suspension
is itself suspended,
provided you catch up
on all the work you missed.
Oh, thank you!
Thank you,
Mount Baldmore,
I love you!
School!
Beautiful school!
Thanks,
Principal Wartz.
Wait a minute.
Where are you going?
Huh?
I didn't say anything
about lifting
your suspension.
But Principal Wartz,
I
Just kidding.
Now run along.
Ah, Wartzy,
you've done it again.
The true prince
must temper justice
with mercy.
It's no wonder
the children love
and respect me.
Hey, Wartzy,
wide load!
That's it,
young man.
You're suspended!
You can't suspend me!
I'm already suspended.
Well, in that case,
you're un-suspended.
Get back to class.
You gotta catch me first!
Old ugly guy!
(CHUCKLES)
Come back here, pal!
Whoa!
Harold!
Mr. Potts?
Go away!
Are you okay?
I'm fine,
leave me alone,
I'm busy.
But you're in
a trash can.
Shh! Act natural.
What's going on?
Nothing, now run
along home.
And am-scray, skedaddle.
BOTH: Oof!
Hey!
Isn't this the woman
I saw today
when we were hiding
in the trash can?
I don't know what
you're talking about.
Mr. Potts,
you've forgotten
your magazine.
Can a guy get
a little privacy?
It is her.
Okay, yes, you're right.
Very good.
But why do you have
her pictures
all over the wall?
I ran out of wallpaper.
I don't know!
Okay, okay.
Her name is Lola,
and the reason
her picture's up
on the wall
is because I
I kinda have
a little crush on her.
That's great!
When did you meet?
Well, I haven't
actually met her.
I saw her
on the street
one day,
coming home from
knocking down
a high rise.
I stopped like
I was shot.
She was the most
beautiful woman
I'd ever seen
in my life!
A goddess
in blue chiffon.
I fell for her
like a ton of bricks.
I heard angels sing.
I wanted to go
up to her and say,
"Excuse me, Miss,
you don't know me,
but the thing is,
"I love you."
Then I thought, Ernie,
what are you, nuts?
You can't go up
to a perfect stranger
and tell her you love her.
She'll think
you're a lunatic!
Anyway, for the past
couple of weeks,
I've been waiting outside
her building every morning
when she goes out,
and every evening
when she comes home
just to catch
a glimpse of her!
But why didn't you
just talk to her?
Ah, she'd never
go out with me.
How do you know?
I just know, okay?
But why?
Why? Why
I'll tell you why.
You wanna know why?
Because she's a big,
beautiful, successful
fashion model,
and I'm a short
little twerp,
with a big nose and a day job
that nobody ever noticed
for nothing!
That's why.
Well, maybe you're not tall,
and maybe your nose
is a little big,
but you're also
a nice guy
with a good job.
You're friendly
and smart,
and you have
a great sense
of humor!
And I think anyone
would be lucky
to have you as a friend.
You'd wanna go out
with me?
I'm serious.
If you like her
that much,
why don't you
just talk to her?
No, no, I can't.
I've had crushes before,
but it always
turned out the same.
The girl would look
at me, but instead
of seeing me,
she'd just see a guy
who came up short.
That doesn't mean
it will turn out
that way this time.
Ah, forget about it.
I don't want to
go through that again.
I'll just admire her
from afar.
Lola. Lola.
Lola
I love you, Lola.
I long to meet you,
dearest Lola,
if I was Spanish,
I'd say, "Ola!"
Of you I am
oh, so enamored,
you're to my heart,
forever hammered.
That's it!
You have to
talk to Lola.
I told you,
I can't!
You say her name
in your sleep.
You've made
a statue of her,
and you've written
about 100 of these
little secret love poems.
You could at least
talk to her!
Just go up there
and say hello
and strike up
a conversation.
I, uh
I see you got
some ice cream.
Uh-huh.
Um, my name is Ernie.
Lola.
Lola!
That's a nice name.
Thank you.
Oh, my gosh.
It's 2:30 already.
I gotta go.
It was nice
meeting you.
Hey, uh, Lola.
Mmm-hmm?
You forgot your book.
Oh.
Gosh, thanks!
Hmm. This would have
driven me nuts,
you know?
I was on the last chapter
and I never would
have known
how the story
came out.
I mean, culminated.
Yeah, that would
have been lousy.
Yeah.
Well, thanks.
Hey, you know what?
I saw you a couple
of times before
around the neighborhood.
You did?
And one time,
I saw you
when I was coming
home from work.
There was this little
kid trying to get a drink
from the water fountain,
but he was too short
and he couldn't reach it,
but you walked over
and picked him up
so he could
get a drink.
Oh. Yeah,
I remember that.
I thought it was
real nice.
Listen, uh,
you're probably
pretty busy,
I'm sure you got
a whole agenda,
but I was just
wondering if maybe
You know, I could
buy you a cup
of coffee sometime.
Are you asking me out?
I mean, like a date?
A date? No.
No!
Well, yeah, kind of.
I know you
probably go out
with a lot of guys.
And you probably
wouldn't, under
regular circumstances,
think about going out
with a guy like me.
But I promise you,
I'm a nice guy,
and I really think
I could show you
a good time,
and maybe
a few laughs.
So what do you
say, huh?
You know, why not
take a shot?
Go out with me?
She said yes!
Yes!
We're gonna spend
the whole afternoon
at the boardwalk.
I can't believe it!
Wait a second.
The whole afternoon,
what am I gonna
talk about?
What am I gonna wear?
What if I say
something stupid?
Don't worry,
you'll be fine.
How do you know?
You gotta
help me, Arnold.
Help me!
Please, please.
Okay, okay,
I'll help you.
Just stop shaking me.
Well, do you think?
You can't even walk
in that.
Look, Arnold,
let's not kid
around here,
and the fact is,
I'm short,
and she's never gonna
go for a short guy.
But if I wear these
elevated shoes,
she'll think
I'm a big man.
Being a big man
doesn't have anything
to do with how tall you are.
It's about
what's in here.
Trust me,
just be yourself.
ERNIE:
Okay. She's gonna
be here any minute.
Just stay behind us,
in case I need advice.
Wear these.
I don't want
Lola to know
I got a 9-year-old
kid giving me
romantic advice.
Lola.
(CHUCKLES)
I only got a minute.
She's in the can.
We're really
hitting it off.
I think she likes me.
That's great!
Still a little
nervous, though.
I mean, what if
I blow it?
Or if I run out
of things to say?
Why don't you just talk
about something simple,
like like the weather,
or what kind of food
she likes?
Food. That's good.
Uh, so Lola,
I I was just wondering,
you know, while you were
in the can?
Do you like food?
Sure. I love to eat.
I eat all the time.
Now there's a coincidence!
So do I!
Well, you know,
I model
for Large & Lovely
fashions,
and I have to eat
every two hours
to keep my weight up.
Otherwise, I could
lose my job.
Oh, that must put you
under a lot
of pressure.
Oh, yeah.
But it must be
a fun job, huh?
You know,
the glamorous life
of fashion and whatnot?
Yeah. Oh,
it's very intriguing.
Um, "intriguing".
That's one of
my words.
You see, Ernie,
every day,
I find a new word
in the dictionary,
and I try to use it
in everyday life.
I'm trying to
improve myself.
Yeah, well,
I think that's great.
I mean, I think
that's very,
you know,
that's very noble.
(GASPS) I can't believe
you just said that.
"Noble." That's one
of my words!
No!
Yes!
It's one of my
Last month. Noble.
It means,
grand, admirable,
aristocratic,
or benevolent.
Gosh, noble!
I can't believe
you said that!
I can't believe
you never played
Whacka Mole!
They're not
real moles, are they?
No, they're plastic!
Oh, that's good.
I wouldn't want to
whack a real mole.
That seems
kinda evil.
Ahh! I whacked
a mole!
All right!
I whacked it good!
Well, here we are.
Here we are.
Oh, I bought you
a bag of mixed nuts.
I figured that
with your job,
you might get hungry,
you know, every
two hours.
I didn't know
if you had snacks
for later.
Thanks a lot, Ernie,
that's sweet.
And, um, thanks
for today. I had
a really good time.
Oh, me too.
So, listen.
Maybe I could
call you,
and, you know,
we could go out
again next week?
Maybe see a movie
or something.
Well, you know,
the thing is,
I don't know.
I mean, maybe it's not
such a good idea.
Oh, I don't get it.
Why not?
I mean, we had
a pretty good time, right?
Yeah.
I talked too much,
didn't I?
No, no.
I didn't talk
enough?
No, it's not that.
I mean,
I had a great time
with you.
You're funny,
and you're sweet,
and you tell
great stories,
and you showed me
how to play
whack-a-mole.
That was fun.
(GIGGLES)
Today was the best
day I've had since
I can't remember!
So naturally,
you wouldn't want to
go out with me again.
Now I understand.
It's just that
I'm large and lovely,
and you're
Well, you're different.
You mean, short?
I'm sorry.
It's not your fault.
I'm just You know,
how would it look?
I'm so big, and you're
not so big.
Oh, well,
I understand.
I mean,
you're right.
How would it look?
I'm really sorry.
It's okay.
You know what, Lola?
It's not okay.
When you look at me,
you see a little man.
But I'm not
a little man.
I'm a big man.
Maybe not here,
but in here.
And I think that's
what should count.
I thought maybe you
were the kind of person
who could see that.
But I guess
I was wrong.
And one more thing,
I'm taking my nuts.
How did it go?
Uh, we decided
not to see
each other again.
But I thought
it was going so well.
Yeah, me too.
But what
are you gonna do?
Hey, thanks for
helping me out, Arnold.
You're a great kid.
You can take off
the glasses now.
(KNOCKING AT DOOR)
LOLA: Ernie?
Ernie!
Oh, it's you.
Yeah. Um
Listen, I thought
about what you said
and I realized that
instead of being
large and lovely,
I was being
small and petty.
It was just wrong
for me not to
go out with you again
just because you're
a little short.
I just wanted to say
that I'm sorry, Ernie.
And if you could
ever forgive me,
maybe we could
have dinner sometime.
Or maybe you could
just shake my hand?
Okay. I understand.
Hold on a second.
I, uh
I guess I could
shake your hand.
And I guess maybe
we could have
coffee sometime.
Huh. What about dinner?
Whoa, whoa.
Hey, don't push me here.
Oh, okay.
Come on, we just met.
Yeah, we just
became acquainted.
(LAUGHS)
Good to see you
again, Lola.
Hey, it's nice
to see you, too.
(CLOSING THEME MUSIC PLAYING)