Hogan's Heroes (1965) s05e08 Episode Script

( theme song playing ) Now, this area here, Hogan, we want it cleared of trees and brush.
You want us to do it? Oh, Berlin will pay.
Ten pfennigs an hour per man.
Which means they've authorized 25 pfennigs an hour.
You give us ten; keep 15 to yourself.
Hogan, I resent that.
Where do you get such ideas? Mainly from you.
HELGA: Excuse, Herr Kommandant.
A Captain Bohrmann is here to see you.
Bohrmann? I don't know any Captain Bohrmann.
I'm busy.
Send him away.
Gestapo.
Well, don't just let the man sit out there.
The commandant may be able to squeeze him in.
Jawohl, Herr Kommandant.
We'll discuss our business later.
Dismissed.
I hate a sloppy war.
Colonel Klink, Heil Hitler.
Heil Hitler.
Uh, please, Captain, sit down, sit down.
( chuckles ): What can I do for you? I have been assigned to Gestapo Headquarters in Dusseldorf.
Mm-hmm.
But I am living in Hamilburg at the moment, Houselhof Hotel, room 209.
Very interesting.
But is it important? BOHRMANN: Very.
What's this captain's game? Keep quiet, maybe we'll find out.
KLINK: Of course I remember the plot to assassinate the Führer.
Could any loyal German ever forget it? I don't think you will.
The conspirators are still being rounded up.
A very important man was recently arrested.
I searched his house, found this picture and the negative.
Mm-hmm.
No, it's not possible.
Klink sounds like he swallowed his monocle.
Must be some picture.
Klink and a woman, maybe? Impossible.
Klink's in love with Klink.
He wouldn't let anyone come between himself.
General Molendorf.
That's his arm around your shoulders.
Yes, we were friends.
Close friends and very possibly associated in the plot to assassinate the Führer.
Hardly knew the man.
We went to school together for ten years, saw each other every day, but what's that? You were also best man at his wedding.
Oh, well, I had nothing else to do that afternoon.
Colonel, I have a problem.
If I turn this picture in to Gestapo Headquarters, an innocent man may be executed.
Innocent? You.
( chuckles ): Me? I'm not innocent.
I mean, I am innocent.
What have I done? If I destroy the negative or give it to you, I won't exactly be doing my duty, will I? No, you do have a problem.
Klink's beautiful, isn't he? Little Alice in Krautland.
How stupid can one man be? Keep listening, he'll tell you.
And you expect me to pay your hotel bill? In addition to, say, while I consider the problem.
Couldn't you consider the problem a little less expensively? The life of an innocent commandant is at stake.
Oh.
I'll get the money out of the safe.
That's blackmail.
Bohrmann will take Klink for every penny he's got and then have him executed anyway to cover up.
That's nice.
Yeah, lovely.
Au revoir, Monsieur Klink, and I mean au revoir.
If the Gestapo takes him away, we're next.
His enemy is our enemy.
Well, why'd you want to save a bloody fool like Klink? I don't want to, but let's face it, bloody fools don't grow on trees.
SCHULTZ: Eins, zwei, drei, vier.
Eins, zwei, drei, vier.
Detail, halt! Left face! ( exasperated grunt ) Roll call! When I call your name, answer! Look alive! Who's alive? Quiet! SHULTZ: I said, look alive, do you understand?! HOGAN: Get it over with, Schultz.
Achtung! The commandant.
Commandant, hold it a minute.
Hogan, what is it? I'm in a hurry.
The work's coming along beautifully, sir.
Yeah, beautifully, sir.
Excellent, excellent.
Carry on.
It's a real picnic slaving away out there in the cold.
Ja, it's a real picnic.
It is? Especially without pay.
We've been at it almost a week now-- when do we get paid? Hogan, is that all you can think about? Money? Only when I don't have it.
You'll get paid when the paymaster arrives from Berlin.
Now keep up the good work.
Driver, go on.
As soon as the paymaster arrives? You heard what our fearless leader said.
But the paymaster arrived the night before last.
Are you sure? I opened the gate for him myself.
How's that news bulletin, folks? SHULTZ: Colonel Hogan, is there some monkey business going on? Next time you see a monkey wearing a monocle, ask him.
He's tapping the till, that's what he's doing.
Bohrmann must have put the bite on Klink again.
And he's using our wages to pay off.
And we go out every day and work like the fools we are.
Well, not me-- tomorrow I go on strike.
That's all you Frenchmen ever do, go on strike.
And make love.
Yeah, you never hear them striking about that, do you? Jealousy will get you nowhere.
All right, knock it off.
We took the job Klink offered so we could get outside the fence every day so we could operate.
That's not going to last, Colonel.
They're going to catch Klink with his hand in the cash register and chop it off.
Yeah, and his head, too.
We've got to do something about that picture to take the heat off Klink.
Us get the picture? How? Go into town and ask Bohrmann.
Nothing to it.
Yeah, that's exactly what I had in mind.
Kinch, do you have the floor plan to the Houselhorf Hotel in the file? I think so.
Let's see.
Houselhorf right here.
Thanks.
Now, Bohrmann said he was in room 209, second floor.
That's right here.
Do you think he'd still have the negative on him? Probably.
We'll just have to risk it.
Now, if we could get the room next to Bohrmann, we might have a chance.
It doesn't look good, Colonel.
We've got no choice.
We move out tomorrow night.
If you ask me, sir, I think it's a bit chancy.
Newkirk, nobody asked you.
Would you rather have a brand-new Kraut running this little old Stalag? ( distant car horns honking ) ( German accent ): Not just any room.
I said number 210! Impossible.
There is a reservation.
This is Oberführer Hoganheimer.
Gestapo! We have oberführers here all the time, nothing new.
He's not just an ordinary oberführer, he's really ober da oberführers.
I know.
He's the oberest oberführer of them all.
Now, give me the key to 210, please! It cannot be done.
I'm sorry.
Just a minute, Unterführer.
You see, I'm the unterführer, he's the oberführer.
Please, don't do that again.
I'll handle this.
Jawohl, Oberfuhrer Hoganheimer.
Yes, we are most anxious to have room 210.
Eh perhaps if I juggle it around a bit, I can, uh Juggle away, gnadige frau.
Please.
Ja, Herr Oberfuhrer, you may have room 210.
Ah, one of your officers, Captain Bohrmann, is in 209.
Don't tell him we're here.
We'd like to surprise him.
I understand, sir.
This way, please.
Marvelous, Oberführer.
Excellent.
Good night, gentlemen.
Good night.
Good night.
Heil Hitler.
Heil Hitler.
Heil Hitler.
Her and her bloody Heil Hitlers.
Shh.
I'm sorry.
Shh.
( whispering ): I'm sorry.
( mockingly ): Heil Hitler.
( whispering ): Newkirk.
Open it.
( loudly ): Well, why didn't you Shh.
( whispering ): I'm sorry.
( door creaking ) ( snapping ) I'm sorry.
( mouthing words ) Fire! Fire! Fire in the hall! Fire! There's fire! ( woman screams ) Fire! Fire! Right down there, there's fire! ( woman screams ) Fire! Fire! Fire! There's fire everywhere! Fire in the halls! Fire! ( coughs ): Fire! Okay, sir, did it work? He only took the leather box.
The negative has got to be in there.
Get rid of that, will you? ( coughs ) And fast! I got a feeling we're just never gonna win this war.
( coughing ) Oh, God.
Come on.
Yes, yes, Schultz, I'm aware you're only getting half your pay.
What happened, Herr Kommandant? I told you, the paymaster didn't bring us enough money.
Is there anything wrong in Berlin? Oh, Herr Kommandant, if it's a secret, you can tell me.
I won't tell a word to anybody.
There is nothing wrong in Berlin more than usual.
Oh, Herr Kommandant.
My pay is nothing to start with.
If you cut it in half, I get half of nothing.
Schultz, is money all that concerns you? Don't you ever think of the experience you're getting in the service? Herr Kommandant, couldn't I get experience on full pay? Doesn't it mean anything to you to serve the Führer? Is the Führer on half pay? Don't you have any love for your fatherland? Oh, I do, Herr Kommandant.
I do, but couldn't I have love and money? Now, Schultz, your service record is very good.
Don't spoil it by complaining.
There may even be a promotion.
If this war continues, someday all this may be yours.
Who needs it? Oh, I mean, Herr Kommandant, I'm very happy being a sergeant.
Colonel Hogan, what shall I do? Sue the Luftwaffe for my pay? You can accept what they give you, Schultz, or sue them and wait for the rest at the Russian Front.
But it's not fair.
I'm a sergeant of the guard.
Every day I risk my life guarding you dangerous prisoners.
Shultz, take the half pay and forget it.
War's not only rotten, it's expensive.
Why should I pay the bill? Uh I got an idea.
Maybe the prisoners could take up a collection for you.
Oh, I couldn't take money from the prisoners.
I was just trying to help.
Oh, boy, am I in trouble.
When I send my wife only half the money she usually gets-- oh, boy! Straighten it out when you go home on leave.
She'll straighten me out.
Then don't go home.
She'll come and get me.
Uh Colonel Hogan, I can't take money from the prisoners, but, uh maybe a little loan from you.
How much interest would you charge me? Charge a friend interest? That's insulting, Schultz.
Oh, excuse me.
I'm sorry.
Oh, Colonel Hogan, thank you, you saved my life! And you ask nothing for it.
Nothing.
However However.
Uh ( whispers ) Impossible.
Impossible, huh? Impossible, but we try it anyway.
Tomorrow? Yeah.
Good boy.
Danke.
We make our move tomorrow during the work detail.
That is fabulous.
Marvelous, marvelous.
How'd you manage that, Colonel? I told Schultz we wanted to work the farms around the camp for some extra food.
As soon as we get outside the wire, we'll disappear for a couple of hours.
Then sneak into town and snatch the ol' negative, eh? Certainment.
Day is the best time to steal it-- when he's gone.
He's small, but all brains.
What are we going to do about civilian clothes, sir? Wear them under our uniforms.
We'll ditch this stuff as soon as we get rid of Schultz.
Colonel Hogan.
Colonel Hogan.
I was thinking.
You know that's bad for you, Schultz.
It makes you hungry.
I can't do what you asked me to do.
I'd rather pay interest.
A deal's a deal, Schultz.
And a wife is a wife.
You didn't have to marry her, you know.
Now he gives me advice.
Where were you when I needed you? achtzehn, neunzehn, zwanzig.
All present.
Detail! Left face! Forward march! Eins, zwei, drei, vier.
Eins, zwei, drei, vier.
Eins Schultz, please.
You're confusing the men.
You're out of step.
zwei, drei, vier.
Eins, zwei, drei, vier.
Eins, zwei, drei, vier.
Halt! Eins, zwei, drei, vier.
Just a minute! I said halt.
Halt! We were just going out to work, Commandant.
You're not going.
Schultz, dismiss the men.
I have decided to cancel the project.
I thought we were doing fine, sir.
You were.
Was it something I said? The money for their pay has not come from Berlin.
Well, that's all right.
Maybe we can work out time payments.
Time payments? Sure.
Hitler's good for the money.
Absolutely! You stay out of this.
He can always cash in France if he has to.
You mean you would work on credit? Of course.
Right, men? Yes.
Yay! You bet we would.
After all, it's our stalag, too.
And we love it! We're enemies, and we hate each other, sir, but we live here.
For us, it's well, RFD Germany.
( cheering ) Hogan, I'm deeply touched.
So am I.
But I cannot have my prisoners work on credit when I've promised to pay them.
Gentlemen, I thank you from the bottom of my heart.
Hooray! Tell you what, Commandant, we'll finish the job, you can forget the money.
You mean you would work for nothing? Yeah, we want to beautify this place.
Want it to look nice when General Patton's tanks come rolling in.
Request denied.
Schultz, dismiss the men.
But, Commandant The work will resume when the financial situation is cleared up.
Dismissed.
Work detail, dismissed! There goes the plan.
Yeah, looks like that Bohrmann is really putting the bite on Klink.
Yeah, all the more reason to get him off the hook, and fast.
All right, we go out tonight anyway.
We go through the emergency tunnel.
Steal the negative with Bohrmann in his room? Suppose he wakes up, Colonel? Put him to sleep again.
Oh.
I just thought I'd ask.
It sounds logical, though.
I'll need another man.
LeBeau, you want to volunteer? Can I have some time to think about it, Colonel? I accept your offer.
Doesn't take me long to decide.
Abend, gentlemen.
Heil Hitler.
Abend.
Key 210, please.
And please see if we have any mail.
There are no letters for you.
I'm sorry.
Danke.
Danke, gnadige frau.
Not exactly Claridge's, but we like it.
Shh.
Sorry.
( water running ) ( tap shuts off ) ( sighs ) We'll wait till he's asleep.
( whispering ) Hmm? It started with me.
Oh, I'm sorry.
Just a touch of realism, sir.
Let's go.
Let's have one more little old drink of schnapps! Nein, the schnapps is all shnapped out.
I must have more schnapps! NEWKIRK: And I say you can't have more schnapps! You want to fight? I want to settle it the only way.
Stop the noise or I'll settle the two of you.
Who are you, mein herr? I am trying to sleep.
LeBEAU ( laughing ): That's so funny ( laughing ) What have you got against my old friend? Take your hands off me.
BOHRMANN: Captain, go to heck.
NEWKIRK: No, no, no, you can't talk to my friend that way.
BOHRMANN: Will you take your hands off me? I will have the two of you thrown in jail.
LeBEAU: Good.
Good idea.
BOHRMANN: It's not much trouble.
NEWKIRK: What are you going to do about it? BOHRMANN: About what? NEWKIRK: Anything.
Yeah, good.
NEWKIRK: Now, do you really think? Get your hands off me! We're terribly terribly sorry.
We had a little too much schnapps.
BOHRMANN: I should say you have.
LeBEAU: We owe you an apology, sir.
Just get out of here.
( drunken slurring ) Good night and pleasant dreams, sir.
Can I have a? Quiet down.
Shh-shh.
Heil Hitler.
Heil Hitler.
No more noise.
Shh! Shh! Heil Hitler.
Heil Hitler.
I got it.
Great.
Let's celebrate.
Can we stop at the hofbrau? Too risky.
Back to camp.
Oh, come on, Colonel.
One bottle of wine.
Don't argue.
Right.
Remember, I'm an oberführer.
Right.
He's the oberführer, I'm an unterführer.
That also makes you an unterführer.
Got it? Crystal clear.
Good, then explain it to me on the way back to camp.
( knock at door ) Come in, come in! You sent for me, Commandant? Yes, Hogan.
I have been thinking about your offer to do the cleanup work outside the fence.
I've been thinking about it, too.
Good, good, good.
Yeah.
We want 25 pfennigs an hour, not the ten you were going to give us.
What? You said you would do it for nothing.
The offer was for a limited time only.
It expired at midnight.
You'd kick a man when he's down.
Kick you, sir? Berlin expects this job to be done.
They're sending an inspector, and I simply do not have the money to pay for all this.
You're in a tough spot, sir.
I never thought I would beg you for anything.
What's this? Looks like a negative.
Yeah, I'm positive it's a negative.
"Merry Christmas from a friend.
" A little early, but it's a nice thought.
Hogan.
Do you know what this means? Do you? I don't need your help.
Ten pfennigs an hour, take it or leave it.
A minute ago you were a mouse.
What turned you into a rat? This proves that I have friends.
People who are willing to do things for me, and you are not one of them.
I'd like to be, sir, I really would.
Then try harder, Hogan.
Try.
I will, and thank you, sir, for giving me a second chance.
Are we all in, gents? ( all talking at once ) Come on.
Now, how do you like that colonel? He only had a pair of deuces and he stole the pot from us again.
And I had wired kings.
Why didn't you see me, then? Newkirk, you ought to play poker with Hitler.
You'd bluff him out of the war.
Abend, gentlemen.
Heil Uh-uh-uh-uh-uh! No gambling in the barracks! Glad you reminded us, Schultz.
Oh, yeah.
We got to remember that.
That's all I ask, and keep it in mind.
Colonel Hogan, I got my back pay, and I want to give you the money I owe you.
Ah, didn't I tell you he's a good credit risk? Thank you.
Oh, Schultz, as I recall, you owe me 25 marks from blackjack last month.
Thank you very much indeed.
And you promised me ten marks for a strudel I made you.
What happened? Looks like you have a sudden attack of poverty.
Uh, you want to sit in, Schultz? Oh, oh, Colonel Hogan, could you lend me some money? I'm sorry, Schultz, you said no gambling in the barracks.
( mutters )