iCarly s05e08 Episode Script

Boom.
- Wasn't that dramatic - The way we jumped into frame And landed simultaneously? - And now - It's bedtime for - Baby Spencer.
Yeah.
That's me.
Now, you might think you should use a small toothbrush on a baby.
But, nope, you use one like this.
And you don't use toothpaste.
- You use - Ketchup.
What? Wait a minute.
Nobody mentioned ketchup at the creative meeting.
I don't wanna do it.
I don't want it.
Oh, no.
Oh.
Okay.
Now, before we go, we wanna thank Cameron James and her crew from the tv show Hollywood download.
Who are here tonight doing a very special segment on our little Web show called iCarly.
iCarly.
Till next time.
Try not to do anything stupid.
Laterade.
And we are transparent.
Clear.
Great.
Okay, guys, that was fantastic.
So funny.
Oh, thanks.
You're nice.
Gibbeh.
Okay.
I'd love to interview the three of you individually and then together.
Yeah, no problem.
Sure.
You're pretty.
And would it be okay if I interviewed your brother too? Wait, I got to meet that girl at pint's for dinner.
What girl? The social worker.
Oh, she's gross.
Yeah, and desperate.
She'll wait for you.
Yeah.
I'll do the interview.
Let's start in five minutes? Sure.
Come on, let's go pretty up heads.
Yep.
Hey, can I borrow some lip gloss? No.
No.
Cameron, here's your latte.
Awesome.
Hey, were you able to switch my flight? Yep, you're all set, 9 a.
M.
, first class.
Perfect, thanks.
Uh, hi.
Oh, I'm sorry, Spencer.
This is my assistant, Tina.
Hey.
So Tina just like works for you and does whatever stuff you need her to? Yeah, pretty much.
That's her job.
So you wanna help me get the ketchup out of my nose, huh? I'm sorry, you'll have to hire your own assistant.
I just might do that.
Hey, did you wanna interview me too? Why? Well, 'cause I'm the technical producer of iCarly.
Oh, that's great.
Yeah, but this story that we're doing is really about the creative people on the show.
Oh.
But, hey, you should go talk to our tech guy What's your name? Dudley.
Yeah, go talk to Dudley.
My life is garbage.
In 5, 4, 3, 2 I know, you see somehow the world will change for me and be so wonderful live life, breathe air I know somehow we're gonna get there and feel so wonderful it's all for real I'm telling you just how I feel so wake up the members of my nation it's your time to be there's no chance unless you take one and it's time to see the brighter side of every situation some things are meant to be so give me your best and leave the rest to me leave it all to me leave it all to me leave it all to me just leave it all to me Hey, does your cousin still run an employment agency? 'Cause I'm thinking about hiring an assistant.
Yeah, for me.
I do, too, have a job.
I'm an artist.
It's not funny, jerk-o.
Yeah, see you at the water park.
Good evening.
Toilet or urinal? Actually, I just need to wash my hands.
They just smell like clams.
Oh, you had the clams.
No.
Well, we can fix that right up.
Try the foam soap.
I call it foap.
Wow.
Thanks.
Squirt one and squirt two.
Thanks again.
So sounds like you had an irritating phone call there.
Yeah, I'm just trying to find a way to hire a personal assistant.
Oh, you mean someone who can help you do stuff and get things done? Yeah, mostly stuff and things.
Well, would you be willing to consider hiring me as your new assistant? Yeah, but you already have this awesome job.
I know, and I love this men's room.
But when opportunity knocks, Marty carruthers says, "who's there? Come on in.
" Hard candy? Well, if it's hard.
But listen, this job as my assistant, it's not gonna pay a lot.
I'll take it.
Okay.
You wanna start Monday? I'll be there at 6 A.
M.
I don't wake up till noon.
Well, then I'll wait by the door.
Well, okay.
May I shave the stubble off the back of your neck? Please.
- Hi.
I'm Lisa lillien, also known as hungry girl - Freddie.
Come help us decide what to put on the pizza.
Me? No.
That sounds like a creative decision.
Everyone knows that lame, old Freddie Benson could never be creative about anything.
Well, I'm sure not everyone knows.
Shh.
Hey, you gotta quit bein' upset about the interview.
That lady treated me like I'm useless.
Apparently, I'm just a monkey with a camera.
Whoa.
Could weetet a monkey to work the camera? I'm back, Mr.
Shay.
Oh, hey, Marty.
Did you get me the smoothie? Yes, sir.
Large, blueberry smoothie, and I took the liberty of inserting your straw.
Yay.
Give it.
Who's that? Oh, guys.
This is my new personal assistant, Marty.
We met in the men's room.
Very cool.
- Oh.
Here is a get-well card for your grandfather.
Oh.
I forgot.
He's havin' that foot surgery on Friday.
Oh, you don't need to remember.
That's my job.
Yeah.
Hey, Carly, don't forget, you've got to go to yakima on Thursday night and take care of granddad this weekend.
Oh, come on.
You can't go? No.
I'm taking Socko's stepmother to the mexican rodeo.
Oh, I picked up something else for you.
What, what did you get me? A new electric toilet seat.
Whoa.
It heats up? And vibrates.
Oh, man.
That is awesome.
Just think of me when you're using it.
Oh, I will.
Come on, let's go install this sucker.
After you, sir.
Okay.
Whoo! Whoo! Hey, if you're going to yakima for the weekend, how are we gonna do iCarly? Oh, yeah.
You wanna host the show alone? Nah, I need somebody to banter with.
Uh, how about me? I can co-host iCarly with Sam.
Or I could fill up a garbage bag with yogurt and put a face on it.
That is hilarious.
You can call him baggies.
Baggies, I love that.
Come on! You'd rather do comedy with a sack of yogurt than me? I can be creative.
I've been working on some really funny characters and stuff.
Oh, my God.
No, no, no.
Sam.
I've done stuff on the show before.
Little stuff.
That we wrote.
Just let me host the show with Sam one time.
Okay.
Yes! Whatevs.
Yes! This is gonna be awesome.
Yeah-hoo-hoo! Have baggies standing by.
Yep.
Hey.
Hey, you know all your lines? You sure you wanna play a robot? Hmm, not just a robot.
The fredbot 3000.
I'm here.
Why? Mom, and why'd you bring all these people? Because this is the first time you're hosting iCarly.
- Co-hosting, get it right.
Okay, people.
Show starts in one hour.
One minute.
Oh, chiz.
Everyone, this is my hairdresser, Suzie, my lonely friend, Fran, my therapist, Dr.
scholl, and his daughter, Courtney.
Cool glasses.
Shh.
She has vision problems.
Her vision problem is a condition called bilateral optic stenosis.
Oh, really? I have that too.
You do? No.
I was just tryin' to make you feel better.
Way to ruin it.
Okay.
You people need to sit down and shut up.
Where are your manners? In my butt.
Sit down.
- Okay.
In 5, 4, 3, 2 - I am Sam.
And I am not Carly.
Yes, we are all painfully aware.
But this is still, sort of iCarly.
And now, I'm gonna pretend to be waitress in a sketch that was not my idea.
This is the script that Freddie wrote.
Hey there, robot.
Welcome to this average diner.
What can I get you to eat? Do you have pancakes? Yeah, we got pancakes.
Who cares? Robots don't eat pancakes.
Eh.
Well, robot.
You sure talk crazy.
Yes.
I think my software may be buggy.
Let me check.
Uh-oh, I do have bugs.
So what are you gonna do about your bugs? I'm going to put these on.
Why? I need to reboot.
Heh-heh.
- You really wanna keep - you really wanna keep going with this? Next on iCarly, it's time to meet our new favorite friend.
He's a big sack of yogurt with a face baggies.
Whoo.
What's that, baggies? You have a sinus infection? Well, just try to breathe through your nose.
Thanks for letting me massage you, sir.
Did you see iCarly tonight? Yeah.
I think baggies is my new favorite character.
Awesome.
Oh, I also really liked unfunny robot.
Oh, was the robot supposed to be funny? Yes.
Oh.
Ooh, sir.
You just received an automated text message from your bank.
Banco loco? Si, senor.
It's a low balance alert.
Low? I just checked it yesterday.
I got $11,340 in my account.
No, sir.
You got $11.
34.
What? See right there? See the decimal points? Decimal point? There.
That's a dirt spot.
It's a decimal point.
Darn.
What you gonna do? Pay the assistant you don't need with the money you don't have? Come on, Marty.
Let's go look through my dirty clothes for money.
I call pants.
Yeah! I just wanted people to think I was creative.
And I wanted a mom without stretch marks, that ain't happenin'.
And, you know, tech stuff can be sorta creative.
What do you mean? Well, you know, weren't you working on some sort of techie 3D chiz? Yeah.
I was trying to figure out a way to shoot video so people could watch it online in 3D, you know, without special glasses.
See, that's creative.
But I never could make it work.
- Well, you know, Ahh - I should try again? Yeah, that sounds like the sort of advice you'd get from someone who cares.
Hah! I swear.
I'm going to the kitchen to get a drink and I'm not even walking.
No! I'm riding my assistant.
Yeah! Whoa! In 5, 4, 3d, 2 This is a special iCarly Webcast.
I'm Sam.
Gibbeh.
- Tonight, you people are gonna see the first-ever iCarly comedy in 3D.
Switchin' to 3D.
Hey, boy, put the basketball through that hoop.
What hoop? That hoop.
Right over there.
Whoo, whoa.
Whoa.
It's like Sam's finger's comin' right at me.
Sure is, sir.
Relax your toes.
Oh, sorry.
I wanna eat it with this spoon.
Whoa.
Oh my God.
It's like I'm actually being spooned.
Careful, sir.
I'm gonna throw marshmallows in that direction.
This is great, even though marshmallows are totally irrelevant to The Scene.
Special 3D effects by iCarly's technical producer.
Fredward Benson.
That's me.
Hey, did you watched iCarly? Watch it? I lived it.
Dude, your 3D effect are insane.
Up top.
That cap.
Ow.
I'm sorry.
I meant to hit your hand.
Yeah, you didn't.
Sir, there are three fresh plums on the table waiting for you with a blue napkin and a bottle of Dr.
gibbs.
Oh, man.
That is awesome.
Oh my God.
Sir, you missed the chair.
I know.
It's like my eyes are playing tricks on me.
Hey, are we're goin' to the smoothie or what? Oh, yeah.
What's going down at the gs? - T-Bo put up a big screen tv so everybody could watch the premiere of my 3D technology.
Let's go bathe in the glory.
No one wants to see you bathe.
My Cat loves watching me bathe.
Let's go.
Have fun guys.
- Uh-huh.
All you people need to stay calm.
No, I can't see.
What's wrong with our eyes? I don't know.
- Hey.
T-Bo, what's goin' on? You tell me.
Everybody's sitting around, watchin' iCarly.
Next thing, everybody's eyes went all wonky.
Like Spencer.
Yeah.
It's probably something in the smoothies.
- Uh - Ain't nothin' in the smoothies! All right? Nothin' in the smoothies! - Ah, everyone - Ain't nothin' in the smoothies! Everybody, listen up.
Hey! If you watched iCarly's 3D Webcast tonight, raise your hand.
Okay.
And if you're having vision problems right now, raise your hand.
Okay.
Well, obviously, that means that there's some kind Whatcha doin'? Lookin' on iCarly.
Com.
And another page of negative comments.
At least there wasn't any permanent damage to anyone's eyes.
Yeah, just to their stuff, and their bikes and cars, and the stuff their bikes and cars ran into.
Oh.
Okay.
So I'm just gonna need first and last month's rent.
Whatever.
Oh, but, hey, I gotta sleep on the left side of the bed.
Hey, isn't he the tech guy from Hollywood download? Yeah.
I'm renting him half of my room.
Why? 'Cause this is the only way I'm gonna have enough money to keep Marty on as my assistant.
I sleep naked.
Dude, you don't need an assistant.
But Marty needs this job, and I will get the money to pay him no matter what I have to do.
Hey, does this look infected? Oh.
Sir, I quit.
What? Why? What did I do wrong? Oh, nothing.
You're the most wonderful boss a fellow could have.
But I can't let you ruin your life for me.
I think it's best for you if I move on.
- Aw - I'll go gather my things.
You're still gonna rent me the room, right? About that, here's the thing.
I mean, here's what's up with that.
What I'm thinking we do is just never come back here again.
Can you believe that guy? You know, he used your new toilet seat.
Oh, man.
I'm gonna get butt sores.
Your roommate's back.
Look, Dudley oh.
Hi.
I'm sorry.
I don't know either of you.
I'm Dr.
Scholl, Freddie's mom's therapist.
Oh, yikes.
Long hours, huh? Uh, this is my daughter Courtney.
Hi, come on in.
What are you guys doin' back here? Courtney.
I watched your 3D Webcast the other night.
Great.
So now, you're gonna Sue me? Are you kidding? You cured my bilateral optic stenosis.
Huh? She's been to over a dozen eye doctors since she was a little girl.
None of them could fix me.
But after she watched your Webcast, her vision became totally normal.
Her vi really? - Mm-hmm.
It's a miracle.
You have to share your technology with the American optometric association.
You'll help cure tens of people.
Courtney, I see you brought your camera.
You want a picture with Freddie? No.
But can I get with one with baggies? Goodbye, Courtney.
She still does that, though.
All right.
I'd say it takes a super creative dude to invent a new technology that turns googly-eyed freaks into pretty young girls.
Well, Mr.
Shay, I'm gonna miss you.
Where do you think you'll go? I guess whichever way the wind blows me.
Well, I hope it blows you some place wonderful.
Well, you're the one you change the world for me and you would never let me down when I fall so now I know you're the greatest one of all now I know you're the greatest one of all now I know you're the greatest one of all they frosted a cake together? Goodbye, sir.
Come on.
Let's go meet Gibby at the smoothie.
Okay.
- I'm back.
- Later.
- See yas.
- Bye, Carls.