In Living Color (1990) s05e08 Episode Script

[Narrator.]
Wanda has searched highand low for the father ofher baby.
- Has she finally looked low enough? - [Rings Bell.]
Hey.
Hello? Can you hear me? Uh, look, anyway, Wild Thing, this is Wanda Wayne.
I met you down at the Chunky Monkey and that's where you picked me up.
Well, actually, I picked you up 'cause you know you was drunk and stuff.
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and I "drug" you off and stuff.
You was so heavy.
Look, come on and open up 'cause I got a wonderful surprise for you.
Did you know you was a daddy? You about to have birf.
B-l-R-F.
So anyway, you need to open up and stuff.
Don't be playin' hard to get and stuff.
Let me ask you somethin'.
Why you change you name and stuff.
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and got in the Witness Protection Program? That wasn't even right.
That wasn't right to do me like that.
All you had to do was own up to your responsibilities.
But I think it's real cute how you tryin' to play hard to get and all.
So I guess I'm gonna have to use one of my little Wanda tricks.
- [Whirring.]
- I really don't mean to do this, but just bill me.
- [Laughing.]
- In living color You can do what you wanna do In living color - In living color- You can do what you wanna do In living color In living color You can walk on the moonFloat like a balloon You see, it's never too lateand it's never too soon - Take it from me, it's a'ight to be - Hi-yah! In living color And how would ya.
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How would ya.
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How would ya f.
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How would you feel knowingprejudice was obsolete And all mankind dancedto the exact beat [Echoing.]
And at night it was safeto walk down the street You can do what you wanna do In living color In living color - You can do what you wan.
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wan.
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- In living color - You can do what you wan.
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wan.
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- In living color - You can do what you wan.
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wan.
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- In living color - You can do what you wan.
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wan.
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wan.
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- In living color - [Turntable Scratching.]
- In living color [Laughing.]
[Announcer.]
HBO presents one ofthe hottest comedy specials of the year.
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It's Sam Kinison.
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Live From Hell! What's happenin', Hades? Yeah, yeah, oh-oh! Yeah! [Giggles.]
You know, people keep asking me, Sam, what sucks.
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what sucks about hell? Well, I'll tell you.
[Screaming.]
It's hot! I mean, it's hot a lot! And it's not a dry heat, mister! No! But I knew I was in hell.
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when they piped Andrew Dice Clay into my dressing room! [Screams.]
But it's good to be back.
It's nice to be here tonight in the Lee Atwater Room.
[Hooting.]
[Laughing.]
I don't know what you people are cheering about.
I'm not sure what's worse down here.
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the food or the painful rectal spasms.
You get 'em about every four minutes! Here come another one now! [Screams.]
Oh, you love it, Elvis, you died on the toilet! Ow, ow! Give me a Percodan, man.
![Groans.]
[Giggles.]
The other day, I ran into Liberace.
And he starts hassling me about my act.
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Liberace! I said, at least I died like a man, not with one! [Screams.]
Come on! When they pulled me out of my car,there was liquor on my breath.
What was on yours, Libby? Huh? What was on yours? Ow, ow! [Giggling.]
Oh, you love it! But you know what's weird about hell? Who's here and who isn't.
I mean, who thought Danny Thomas would be here, huh? I got a little question for ya, where is Hitler? Where's Hitler? He killed six million people! You think you might run into him somewhere! The snack bar, the Lake of Fire, I don't know, where's Hitler? Yeah! [Giggles.]
My favorite man down here, of course, the Big Man himself, Satan.
That's right.
Satan.
We used to call him "Prince".
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"Prince of Darkness.
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" till he changed his name to a symbol! You know he did it to meet chicks.
He's a loser, he's a loser! [Growling.]
No, I'm just kidding ya, man.
He's here tonight, my man Satan, give it up for him! - [Applauding.]
- [Hooting.]
Yeah.
! You've been a great crowd, I'm herethrough eternity.
! See ya later, hell.
! Yeah.
! Hi! I'm Susie, your AT&T operator, here to tell you about a new plan.
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that can save you money on all those long distance phone calls you make.
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to that special someone who's never out of your thoughts.
Uh, Hey, my name Tiny.
I used to have real big phone bill, but with AT&T Frequent Caller Plan.
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I can save as much as 50% on the calls I make to this here woman.
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who's so sexy, she make me.
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[Chuckles.]
- [Ringing.]
- Hello? Uh, uh.
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Is this Miss Ryerson? Yes.
Who is this? Uh, uh.
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Do you have big "breast-es-es"? I told you to stop calling me! No, wait, hold up Miss Lady, hold up! Uh, uh.
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Do you have real, real, real big breast-es-es? With AT&T Frequent Caller Plan.
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you'll save so much, you'll find yourself calling over and over.
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and over and over again! [In AJamaican Accent.]
Hello, I'm calling from the American Bra Association.
What do you want? This is a matter of national security, ma'am.
What size bra do you wear? - A 36 D.
Why? - Ooh.
Ooh.
Then you must have real big breast-es-es! L-I wanna touch 'em! Remember, the more you call, the more you'll save! The number you have dialed has been disconnected! Gimme the phone, man! Man, I gotta make more calls, little man! Hey! I gotta have those big, bouncy, breast-es-es! I want those breast-es-es! AT&T Frequent Caller Plan.
Now you can be obsessed by the one you love.
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not by your phone bill! But I tell you what.
But I tell you what.
I got somethin' to show you.
If you think this is hot, wait till you get a load of me.
I hope you got enough fuel for my bikini wax later on.
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'cause I tell you what, we gonna weld each other together.
Wax! Flame on! I'll rock yo' world.
[Man Singing Soul.]
[Ends.]
Hello, everyone.
Why don't we all sit down? Uh, first of all, welcome to group therapy.
Now, some of you, I have had as individual patients.
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but I really felt that, um.
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we'll be able to progress a little faster as a group.
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provided we create an atmosphere of trust.
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sensitivity, and honest communication.
So, who'd like to start off first? - Frank? - Um, this is kind of hard for me.
It's okay, Frank, you're among friends.
Well, doctor, uh, yeah.
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I think I might be gay.
[Laughing.]
You.
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think you might be? That's a understatement, that's the understatement of the year! You think you might be gay? [Laughs.]
No, no, don't be ridiculous, Frank, I guess.
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a lot of straight men like to wake up staring at another man's.
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pimply, sagging buttocks right in their face.
Well, Doctor, I don't appreciate your sarcasm.
Okay, well, here's a quick pop quiz.
Who won the Super Bowl last year? - What's a Super Bowl? - Mm-hmm.
- How manyJudy Garland records do you have? - Twenty-seven! Bingo! Get out of my face, you sissy! Doctor, that was wrong, what you said to Frank.
Oh, I'm sorry Marianne, I was just confronting him.
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so that he could realize how gay he really is.
Listen.
Anyway, while we're talking about it, come on up.
I want to do a little anger exercise with you, since you're obviously very angry.
- But I'm not angry.
- Yes, you are.
Now, I want you to hit this pillow and say, "I am angry.
" - I am angry.
- See, does that feet better? No, because I wasn't angry.
- [Karate Yell.]
- [Grunting.]
- [Coughing.]
- Oh, come on, don't tell me.
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that your pimp daddy never hit you upside your head.
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when you were selling your body for crack! [Gasps.]
l-I thought I told you that in confidence! Well, you thought wrong.
You know what? You people are so selfish.
"I thought I told you that in confidence!" "Yeah, I think I might be gay.
" [Imitates People Complaining.]
You're always complaining when there are people here in legitimate pain.
Like Paula, for instance.
Paula suffered a loss.
Paula? Umm, my husband was in a car accident.
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and I'm still feeling a lot of pain over what happened.
And, well, who would not feel pain.
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after they watched their very own husband.
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get smashed by a runaway truck going 90 miles an hour.
And I saw it happen.
It was right outside this office.
I mean, he really went flying.
- Bang! - [Screams.]
[Crying.]
How can you say that? [Sobbing.]
Paula, I'm just trying to tell you.
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that denial is the worst state to be in.
You've got to realize how dead your husband really is.
Boy, and I mean.
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[Chuckles.]
The look on Paula's face.
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it's one of those times you wish you had a camera, but you just don't.
- You know what I mean? "Oh my God!" - [Screams.]
I mean, that grille just crinkled him like a cottage fry! [Imitating Car Crash.]
- [Shrieking.]
- That boy looked like a strawberry sundae.
- Oh, get off me, you sissy! - Here.
Here hit my pillow.
You'll feel better.
[Indistinct.]
Oh, Paula will just be all right.
She's probably at "that time" or something.
Well, I think that there was a lot of honesty and sharing here tonight.
Uh, next week, I really want us to all focus.
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on those with the secret shame of necrophilia.
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and that means you, Phil.
I'll see you next time.
[Hip-Hop.]
[Men Singing.]
[Ends.]
[Announcer.]
This.
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is.
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The Dirty Dozens! Now entering our studio,our returning champion.
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a bicycle messenger from UptownNew York, T-Dog Jenkins.
! A night prison guard from Huntsville,Texas, Sonya Winslow.
! And a rocket scientist from Carson City,Nevada, Leonard Dinkins.
! And now the host of Dirty Dozens, Stu Dunfey.
! Thank you so much.
Hello, and welcome to The Dirty Dozens.
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where talkin' trash can get you cash.
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and you'll take home the bank if your mama is stank.
All righty, let's look at our categories tonight.
"Mama's so hairy,""Mama's so old".
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"Mama's teeth so yellow".
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and "Starts with 'F.
"' T-Dog, you're our champion.
Start us off.
Thank you, Stu.
I will take "Yo' mama so hairy" for 100.
[Stu.]
"Your mama's so hairy.
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" Yo' mama's so hairy, her armpits look like she got Don King in a headlock! - [Bell Dinging.]
- [Stu.]
Yes.
! On the board for 100.
And now, let's reveal the first play of today's "Mystery Dis.
" - [Chimes.]
- Care to venture a guess, Sonya? From that little piece of nothing? What do I look like? Dionne Warwick's psychic friend? - [Laughs.]
- Looks like Sonya's insane in the membrane.
Let me remind you, I'm merely the host of the show.
Now pick a category.
All right, um, let's stick with "Mama so hairy," Stu.
- Your mama's so hairy.
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- [Hitting Button.]
Yo' mama so hairy, Bigfoot take pictures of her.
! [Bell Dings.]
Yes! An extremely hairy mama indeed! T-Dog, you have control of the board.
Let us try "Starts with 'F"' for 100, Stuness.
First time in that category.
What'll it be? Ooh.
"Your mama's so fat.
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" - [Beeps.]
- Yo' mama so fat.
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she bungee-jumped and went straight to hell.
[Bell Dings.]
Correct! You retain control.
I will take " Things that start with 'F "' for 200, Stu.
- [Bell Chiming, Siren Blaring.]
- [Stu.]
Oh.
! You've happenedupon our Daily Dozen.
No need to be afraid, T-Dog.
How much do you want to wager? Oh, oh, straight ta-rum, er, uh, tara, ah-rum, ah.
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I'll wager 300, Stu.
All right, for 300 and the lead, the "Starts with 'F"' category is.
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"Your mama's so funky.
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" So funky.
Think about it.
[Clock Ticking.]
Need an answer.
! Uh, yo' mama's drawers is so funky.
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the roaches check in but they don't check out! - [Bell Dings.]
- "F" to the "U" to the "N," to the "K" to the "Y," funky.
- Three hundred points! - I think I will take "Yo' mama's so old" for 100.
Yo'mama so old.
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Leonard? Your mama's so old, her first computer was a Univac 200.
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with a 16K RAM and a magnetic tape data storage system.
- Judges? - [Buzzing.]
Oh, no.
We can't accept that.
Come on! The Univac's a virtual dinosaur! - Anyone else? - Yo' mama so old, she's in Jesus' yearbook! - [Bell Dings.]
- Not a young mama.
Sonya, where to? Um, "Teeth So Yellow" for 200.
- Your mama's teeth so yellow.
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- Your mama's teeth so yellow.
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- when she yawns, traffic just slows down.
- [Bell Dings.]
Let's see, Stu.
I think I will take "Teeth so yellow" for 300.
"Yo'mama's teeth so yellow.
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"Leonard? Your mama's teeth so yellow, when she expectorates.
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the discharge resembles the coagulated mammarian fats of a domesticated bovine.
- Judges? - [Buzzing.]
I'm sorry, Leonard, but we just don't understand what you're saying.
Come on.
! The bitch's teethare so yellow, she spits butter.
! - [Bell Chiming.]
- All right.
! - Leonard in the house with 300! - [Bell Ringing.]
Oh, and that signalsthe end of Regular Dozens.
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so at this point, we'll clear the board.
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and take a look at tonight's Mystery Dis.
For 500 points and the game.
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Yo' mama so ugly, she had to get her baby drunk just so she could breast-feed it.
- [Bell Dinging.]
- Yes.
! And T-Dog.
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with 1,300 points, remains champion! - [Audience Cheering.]
- All right, T-Dog.
Oh, nicely played.
You're today's winner.
And that means you'll be dissing in the bonus round for a new car! [Stu.]
Ah-ha-ha-ho! Oh, ho-ho! Here's what you do to take it home.
- The driver of the car is Montez.
- Yo, what's up, Stu? You have one minute to dis Montez so viciously.
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that he gets out of the car to teach your butt a lesson.
If you do that, the car is yours.
Otherwise, Montez.
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you get to keep the car! One minute on the clock.
And.
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start dissin'! Yeah, what's up, your mama's so black, she bleeds smoke.
Nice try, man.
But Damian "Football" Williams couldn't get me to "unass" this car.
Yeah, well your mama's house so dusty, the roaches ride around on dune buggies.
[Yawning.]
Man, why don't you just give up, man? Yo, yo' mama so fat, her blood type is Ragu.
Weak.
Yo, yo' mama so ugly, she gotta trick-or-treat over the phone.
It's tired, man.
That don't even bother me, man.
Yeah, yeah, yo' mama so short, you can see her feet on her driver's license! - Look man, why don't you raise up? - Yeah, yeah.
Yeah, like I say, yo' mama like the Pillsbury Doughboy.
Everybody poke her.
I'm gonna bust your a.
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One more time.
Like I said, yeah.
Yo' mama so stanky.
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Yo' mama so stanky, she gets sourdough yeast infections! - Now, who told you? I'm gonna kill you! - [Stu.]
Ho, ho.
! - [Bell Ringing.]
- He did it! T-Dog wins the car! And that's all the time we have tonight.
Join us next time when we'll be dissin' for dollars on The Dirty Dozens.
I'm Audi 5000.
Peace! [Announcer.]
The Dirty Dozens has beenbrought to you by Yo Mama's Cakes.
Everybody doesn't like something,but nobody likes Yo Mama! Ready or not, baby, here I come.
Just call me The Terminator.
You can't keep your love nest away from me.
I don't know what you was thinkin', 'cause I tell you what: When I bust in, I want you to be butt-naked and I want you to be standin' at attention.
- [Banging.]
- [Grunting.]
Okay, okay, all right.
This is a little tough.
And you lucky I'm a strong, lovely woman.
'Cause the average woman would just give up.
But I can't give up on my love! You gotta take care of these children.
I'm comin' in! - [Banging.]
- [Grunting.]
[Howling.]
Yeah, let's get it up right now! What's up? We got a lot of people to talk about comin' from the underground.
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well, now we got "Lords of the Underground" with Chief Rocka.
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and here come the Lords.
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give it up and let it get up!