Jersey Shore s05e08 Episode Script

I don't understand why Mike has to be such a creep.
All he's thinking about is, like, sex and hooking up.
- Oh, my God.
Where did she come from? - There's this girl.
She is the stalker of all stalkers.
I'm scared.
- I love you.
I don't want to be with anybody else.
- I am wearing this outfit tonight For Roger to know that there are two big reasons Why he is still with me.
Adriano_CSI LOL - I'm going to Jersey shore, bitch! - All right, we got a situation.
- I'm the sweetest bitch you'll ever meet.
- [laughing.]
- After I have sex with a guy, I will rip their heads off.
- Go, vinny! Go, vinny! - You like the boobs? - Relax.
Relax.
Relax.
- The music's playing.
The drinks are flowing.
And all of a sudden, like, you just, like, felt the-- The tussling and people getting pushed.
[overlapping shouting.]
- Yo, jwoww.
It's not time to leave.
- This guy is nonstop grabbing me And pulls down my dress a little bit.
And then Roger's like, "yo, back off.
" - Take a walk, bro.
- Really? - Yeah, really.
- Stop! Stop! - I don't know what's going on in this guy's head right now.
You keep it moving.
You don't want to fight withoger.
- Babe, stop! - At karma, you can either Walk out the door or get thrown out the door.
I mean, you don't mess with Roger's girl.
That's karma for you.
Karma's a bitch.
[laughs.]
- I got vinny.
Let's go.
- Come on, let's go.
- Tonight didn't end on a really good note, - Vinny, get in.
- Going home.
[rock music.]
[vinny speaking italian.]
- I have to eat something.
- Babe, but we're going to bed right now.
- [scoffs.]
- We're not hanging out.
We're going to bed.
I'm gonna get it in tonight, because I haven't seen jionni In, like, a week, and I'm really excited To just, you know-- to touch his [bleep.]
And make out with him and get it in.
- I have to throw up first.
I'll brush my teeth, I promise.
- [gags.]
- I'm a little thirsty, hungry.
See what we got.
We got probably a little bit of carrot to slice up.
There's even some celery to slice up.
And there better be some mother[bleep.]
Mayo.
- Here I'm fine.
I have to-- I really have to throw up.
[door closes.]
[vomiting.]
- Jionni I'm waiting.
Ugh, it smells like throw-up.
Honestly, you know, jionni's sick.
Whatever, like, I feel bad.
But I wanna [bleep.]
get it in with my boyfriend.
So why the [bleep.]
are you puking right now? Let's have sex.
[kicks door weakly.]
- [vomits.]
- Ew.
I'm gonna throw up.
[gags.]
- Grab the blankets.
- I'm waiting on you.
- Every time Roger comes over with jenni, As soon as they get home, like, she drags him to the smush room.
Like, the guy really doesn't get to hang out.
What are you doing? You sleeping already? - No, I'm waiting on-- my girl had to poop.
I had to wait.
We drinking? You want to drink? - Yeah, let's go.
- Let's go.
- Can I have a drink with Ronnie, baby? I have to ask permission.
Otherwise I won't get lked to for three days.
- Yeah.
- I'm gonna have a drink with my friend half pint.
Have you met half pint? - [laughs.]
- Have you-- - is this me? What is this thing? - That was my haircut in Italy.
Who cares? [laughter.]
- Yo, big rog, I'm making a chicken salad sandwich.
Would you like some? - Oh, bro, yeah.
- I like chicken.
- Okay.
- [sighs.]
you gotta be [bleep.]
kidding me.
All I want to do right now Is spoon Roger in the smush room, And he's hanging out on the patio with my roommates.
And I'm like, "all right, that's cool for five, ten minutes.
"don't make a [bleep.]
night of it, "because I'm about to pass out, And I'd like to smush tonight.
" - No.
- My man right there.
Thank you, sir.
This ought to fill my small toe right here.
- It's the smallest sandwich I've ever seen.
- You look like you're eating a wheat thin.
- How many bites is that? - That's two bites.
- Babe! - Yo, big rog, I know you a big dog.
If you want another one, there's extra if you want one.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah, I'll do it.
- All right.
- [bleep.]
.
- Good look, man.
Thank you, sir.
Oh, I get a pickle too.
- I thought gorillas only ate bananas.
- Dude, I'm a grown man.
You got at least six inches to go.
- Babe [babbling incoherently.]
- Mike's making food, babe.
Can I eat and then come up? Babe, come down and hang out.
Baby, come down.
- Do you see that? - Babe, what are you doing? I got food coming.
Jenni! - You are in so much trouble.
I love it right now.
- Yeah, I'm in deep [bleep.]
, seriously.
I gotta eat this sandwich, then I need to go.
- You know, you gotta give Roger a break, you know? Viagra takes at least three hours to kick in, jenni, So he's not gonna be able to smush as soon as he gets home.
That's why he's having a drink downstairs, Eating a Turkey burger, You know, trying to kill some time.
- I'm gonna get hit in the head, seriously.
- You're whipped.
- I am.
I'm actually in love.
- With your sandwich.
[laughter.]
your curfew's in a little bit.
- It was a rough last three days, bro.
Don't even get me started.
- I heard about it.
I'm on your side, though.
- Well, I did nothing wrong.
- I feel like, if my girlfriend complained as much as she did, I'd probably lose my phone too.
[laughing.]
- Welcome to my world, my friend.
Welcome to my world.
- Oh! - What the [bleep.]
? - Baby, come on.
- Wow.
- Obviously someone's not getting laid tonight.
- She thought I was gonna, like, call and kiss her ass.
That ain't happening.
All right, I gotta go up before I get my ass kicked.
[laughter.]
Look, my bed.
Look, it's my bed.
Do you want to change or no? Okay.
Jionni's wasted right now, but I feel like, "I never see you.
Let's just [bleep.]
bang it out.
" Are you [bleep.]
sleeping? - [groans softly.]
- What the [bleep.]
? Turn around.
Come on, are you kidding me? What are you gonna do, [bleep.]
stay here And [bleep.]
snore in my ear all night? - I'm sleeping.
- Cool.
- Wow, that's nice of my girlfriend to say to me.
- Your girlfriend-- hi, you're supposed to kiss me And be like, "oh, I haven't seen you.
I haven't [bleep.]
seen you in, like, so long.
" You're not even kissing me-- [bleep.]
throwing up, [bleep.]
not doing anything to me.
So what the [bleep.]
? This is annoying.
A boyfriend's job is to come over, Have sex, and, you know, make your girlfriend feel good.
But at this point, Jionni's not making me feel good.
He's throwing up and passing out in my bed.
Like, you can do that at your own house.
You're just a sucky boyfriend tonight.
You suck.
Don't touch me, actually, 'cause I'm not feeling it.
- We're going to the dock.
- Yo, I'm gonna catch me Sunday dinner.
- Me and Nicole decide to take a boat out on the water.
All: Shark! - Shark? Shark? - So how is jionni? - Me and jionni's relationship is definitely not healthy, I mean, I'll tell you that.
- I don't want guys taking advantage of you.
- He's not.
- He better not.
- You alive? - All right.
Bye, loser.
I don't even like you.
- What can we do today with everybody? - I'm down for whatever.
We could do the boardwalk.
We could-- - is there anything else Differt that we can do? - We could go to a dock and fish.
- A what? - We can go to a dock and, like, crab.
- Do you want to do that? - Imagine if we caught fish.
- Meaning-- - If we went crabbing, we could cook the crabs later.
I mean, do you really need talent to fish, though? - I don't think so.
- You just throw the thing in the thing.
Imagine, though, eight guidos and-- - Trying to fish? - Yeah.
- Oh, my God.
We have to do that.
- Me and Sam thought of a great idea, guys.
We're going to the dock, And we're crabbing, fishing, everything! Are you guys ready to have some fun? - We're going to the dock.
- I already got crabs last night at karma.
- Pauly's excited.
- I know.
- I'm ready.
- Yo, I packed a cooler.
We're good.
You guys ready? - I'm ready.
- Let's go! - This is the dock.
- So we're just partying on the dock? - Yeah.
- I never thought I'd be excited about catching crabs.
But we're going to the dock today, And we're gonna catch some crabs and go fishing.
So, uh, what's the-- what's the deal out here? What--what do we do? Guidos don't crab, so - You guys are gonna take some of these lines right here.
- Okay.
- Drop lines.
- And I just launch it and wait? - Just wait, like, five minutes, and just bring it in.
- Do you put food in it? - Sure.
- What kind? - Maybe they want a show.
Break it in half.
- Ooh! - Wow, that's food right there.
- That's their food? - That's a real fish? - Yeah.
- Well, it's dead.
- You guys need anything else? - An extra bucket to throw up in.
- What about fishing? I think I'm gonna do that.
- Yeah, me too.
- Yeah, I wanna go fishing.
- Yeah.
- You don't have, like, cappuccino or espressos or-- - [laughs.]
- What kind of stuff do you have? - You don't have filet mignon, do you, With, uh, garlic mashed potatoes? - Where do you think you are? We're at a dock.
- Yo, I'm gonna catch me Sunday dinner.
- You know, we're not going food shopping, So we gotta catch our dinner tonight with our bare hands.
- Here, fishies, fishies, fishies, fishies.
- Did you know there's a fish called "snook"? - Ooh! - Oh, my God.
- Ron, you're caught.
- I caught a guido! - We caught a gorilla! - This is insane.
[all cheering.]
- Nice.
- Oh, stay! - Yo, why can't I just put snooki on this hook To catch me a big fish? - Oh, my God, I got three crabs! [screams.]
- crabs are here.
- Oh, my God.
Get real.
- Oops.
- Oh, [bleep.]
.
Come here.
Oh! Oh! - Ooh, no! - I don't even want to say it.
- What? - I caught crabs.
[both laugh.]
- Are you-- - oh, I thought I got something.
- What did you catch? - Nothing.
- Yo, this ain't happening.
Guidos ain't made to fish.
I can fish for girls but not [bleep.]
for fish.
I'm realizing that I'm not the best crabber.
I'm not the best fisherman.
But I am still a guido, and I need to tan, So I'm just gonna sunbathe on the dock right now.
- What is he doing? - I don't know.
What the hell? - So Mike's just, like, spread-eagle right now In one of his feminine poses, And he's asking for some trouble right now.
- Oh, [bleep.]
! - [laughs.]
- Not cool, bro.
Not cool.
- I don't think there's any fish over here.
I feel like this is like my relationships-- Not one person wants to grab my bait.
Do you want to go on the boat? - Yeah.
- All right.
So me and Nicole decide to take a boat out on the water, Because we're like, "this would be awesome.
We could row and fish at the same time.
" - Whoa! Don't want to do that.
You got it? - I need help.
- I'll help you.
- Really? - All right.
Whoa! Oh! I got you.
I got you.
- The meatballs decide to take out this boat.
- That's good.
- I got it.
- But it's so windy out, I don't know how they're gonna make it Through the waves or anything.
- We have to get out of here.
- You have to [bleep.]
paddle.
Yeah, there you go.
- One, two, three, row.
- They're going against each other right now.
They're doing, like, a circle.
- Row! - Whoo! [bleep.]
, you almost took my finger off.
- I didn't do it.
It was the wind.
- You guys have to paddle in sync Not the opposite ways.
- It's so windy out right now, and the boat is, you know, Going all over the place.
And I feel like the current is carrying me and Nicole away.
[laughter.]
and I'm like, "oh, my God, "like, let's frickin' try And row ourselves to, like, a dock.
" - Row! Row! - Wow.
- Yo, watch your heads.
- [screaming.]
- watch your heads.
- The meatballs have no idea what they're doing right now, And so myself and Ron-- You know, we gotta be the responsible ones And pull the plug on this.
- You guys got it? - Yeah, we got it.
- We're good.
- Yo, you're making it worse, I feel.
- No.
- Are you trying to flip us? - No.
- Get off.
Stop it.
- Get off, Ronnie.
- No, no, we're not.
- Ronnie, stop.
Yes, you are.
- We're not, we're not.
- Stop it.
- Ronnie, stop.
Stop.
We're trying to have a good time here.
- Stop it! - No.
I want to see if I can row.
- Get off.
No, I'm not even wearing a bikini.
- So I let the air out of the boat.
Arms are flapping in the air.
There's meatball sauce flying everywhere.
- [shrieks.]
This boat is sinking, and I've seen Titanic.
And this is not going to end well.
- Oh, watch out.
- Yeah, those things are sharp.
- Yo, watch--deena.
- What's sharp? - Sharks? Sharks? - Sharks! - Sharks! - Sharks! Sharks! Sharks! - Sharks! Sharks! Sharks! - Whoa, whoa, whoa.
- Deena, deena, watch out.
Watch out, deena.
Deena.
- So we're all screaming, "it's sharp! It's sharp! Like, stop doing what you're doing," 'cause there are sharp objects where they are.
And d thinks we're saying, "there's a shark!" - No, deena, you can't jump on that.
Deena, deena, deena, you can't-- that's too sharp.
You can't jump on that.
- Deena, sharp, sharp.
Sharp.
- That's sharp.
- Shark? - That's sharp.
Sharp, sharp, sharp.
- Sharp.
- Sharp.
Stay away from that.
Stay on the boat.
The boat is the safest thing.
- Oh, my God.
- What the hell? - I'm soaked.
- You gotta stay on the boat.
Stay on the boat.
- Go get them, Steven.
- Snooki.
Save her.
- [laughs.]
- I'm stuck.
- Deena's literally trying to get out of three feet of water Because there's sharks in it, And Nicole is just worried about her alcoholic beverage Floating away.
It was legit, complete chaos.
- Yeah, there's snookis all through these waters.
[laughs.]
Yo, you know how you catch a snooki? Pickles.
[laughs.]
- My eyelash fell off.
- Your eyelash is floating in the pacific as we speak.
Luckily, sharks seem to not like meatballs.
But unfortunately, none of us were capable Of really catching any fish and crabs.
So we're getting Chinese food.
- Ugh, I need to shower.
- You have to shower? - Ugh, the car smells like that smush room.
[all chuckle.]
- Your stalker came in yesterday.
- I'm afraid of this girl, 'cause every time I turn around, She's there.
- Oh, my God.
- We're gonna be like, "where's pauly?" - [laughs.]
yeah.
- And I'm freaked out.
- Wait.
Hold on.
- I see flashlights coming at us, And I'm like, "oh, my God.
" it's the frickin' cops.
- Mike, let me use the bathroom really quick before you shower.
- All right.
Tell-- oh, wow, Ronnie, wow.
- [laughs.]
- wow.
- Already? - Yeah.
- He just-- - he's working hard in there.
Whoa.
- [gags.]
oh, my God, it is bad.
- His insides are coming out.
- Oh, yeah, I need a plunger for that.
- I was like, "for real? He clogs the toilet every summer.
We just have to have a plumber on speed dial for Ron.
- Oh, my God.
- Come on.
- Gotta go to work.
- Today the dream team is going to work.
It's me, pauly, and vinny, And we're going to kill it at work today.
I have a good feeling.
My nail broke.
- Any more n135 in the back? - Totally sold out.
- What do you want to put on this? - I have no idea.
- Who's getting the white license plate? Anyone? - [laughs.]
- Oh, your stalker came in yesterday.
- What did she say? - I was--I was actually scared to talk to her.
I'll be honest with you.
- [bleep.]
creepy.
I got this new stalker.
Her name's Vanessa.
- He always sees you around.
What's your name? - Vanessa.
- I'm afraid of this girl, 'cause every time I turn around, She's there.
[creepy music.]
- Oh, my God.
- She doesn't talk, but she stalks.
- She wants to be a stalker.
- And she'll work my entire shift at the t-shirt shop Just staring at me.
Follows me home And then follows me to whatever club we go to at night And does the same thing at the club.
And I'm freaked out because she stares right at me With this, like, death look that I can feel Burning a hole in my head.
And it's messing with my blowout.
- She had the camera, the bag.
- What's in the bag? One day it's just gonna be dripping blood.
- And we're gonna be like, "where's pauly?" - All right, what are you waiting for, guys? Dtf, mvp? - That's a double dtf-- the front and on the back.
- Someone must be really dtf.
- What does dtf stand for? - Oh, it stands for "down to fish.
" [laughter.]
[rock music.]
- Where's jenni? - I don't know where they're at.
I know we're going to karma tonight.
You got your boyfriend coming tonight? - No, he's not coming, actually.
I'm really sad about it.
- Why not? - 'cause he has to work, and he's coming out Saturday.
- So how is jionni? Your relationship and all that [bleep.]
-- Is it good? Everything cool? Everything's good? He's not being a [bleep.]
to you anymore? - He's perfect.
I want to marry that kid - That's a big statement.
- It is.
- So, when somebody says at the wedding, "does anybody object?" and I run in the room - I'll shoot you with a pistol in your [bleep.]
eyeball.
Okay.
- I might have to.
I might have to run in.
- You wouldn't do that.
- Maybe--if I don't think he's right for you, maybe I will.
- Why don't you think he's right for me? - I think he's a nice kid.
I just don't think he's established as a man yet.
You know what I mean? To take care of you and stuff.
- Me and jionni's relationship is definitely not healthy, I mean, I'll tell you that.
Me and jionni do [bleep.]
-up [bleep.]
, But, you know, I don't like questioning our relationship.
- I'm just saying I'm definitely overprotective Of you, for sure.
- Why? - I care about you-- that's all.
That's for real.
We're friends.
I don't want guys [bleep.]
taking advantage of you.
- He's not.
- He better not.
- Get real! I kind of want to break a law or two tonight.
- Time's up.
- Are we in trouble? - See you later, bro.
- See you tomorrow morning.
Bye, Steve.
- Thanks a lot, guys.
Bye, guys.
- Let's play this game.
- What is this game? - I don't know-- you just throw it, I guess.
- Oh, don't play with the balls like that.
Come on, now.
- Shut up, you pervert.
- Oh! - Oh! - Whoo! - Oh, wow.
- Yeah, buddy.
I know how to work my balls.
- You sure do.
- Whoo! Let's do a bet.
- All right, how about this? Whoever loses-- they gotta wear the bunny suit Somewhere public, like-- - the whole bunny suit? - Like, the whole bunny suit.
- She's called "Lola.
" So Lola is the biggest Vegas prostitute With fake boobs, fake ass, fake vagina, And she's my bunny.
- What the hell is that? [screams, laughs.]
- Like, yo, you gotta wear the bunny suit to karma tonight, But only for, like, 15 minutes they gotta wear it.
- All right, cool.
- For 15 minutes.
- Starting now? - I guess so.
Ah, yes.
- Oh, [bleep.]
.
Get real.
- Ah, yes, yes! - Oh, come on.
- Oh, come on.
- I don't care.
You can do distractions.
- All I gotta do is make one.
All I gotta do is make one.
Oh! All I gotta do is make one.
- No.
- Yeah.
- This is, like, a five thing.
- Oh, I won! - No, you-- - You gotta wear the bunny suit to karma.
- No, we didn't say one.
We didn't say one.
- Yeah, you did-- whoever makes the most.
- No, I meant, like, a whole game.
- Whoever won this little bet we did, You had to wear the bunny suit in public for ten minutes.
- Oh, that's awesome.
- Even though I lost the bet and I had to wear Lola to karma, I mean, it's not really a big deal Because Lola is, like, my best friend.
So I'm kind of, like, hanging out With my best friend right now, And we're going to karma together.
- Are they gonna let her in with the bunny suit? - You don't tell Lola where she gets to go.
- That actually looks pretty hot.
I might want to reconsider having sex with you now.
You should just always leave the mask on.
Stripper, prostitute, bunny Lola Is pretty hot tonight, I think.
If I was a bunny and I wanted to bang bunnies, I'd bang Lola.
- Cabs are here.
- Cab's here, cab's here.
- [speaking italian.]
- Cabs are here.
- So weird.
- Hi! [vinny chuckles.]
[lively music.]
- All right, game on.
Let's go straight to the bar.
I might just jump on the dance floor.
[overlapping chatter.]
Oh, my God, Lola's at karma.
[dance music.]
- All right, gotta go from, uh, here to--to there.
- Come on, ten minutes.
- You got ten minutes.
Snooki lost a bet.
She is, you know, taking it on the chin, And it's gonna be awesome.
- I love guidos! - Honestly, I'm gonna be dying in the suit.
It's gonna smell like alcohol, sweat, and [bleep.]
.
- Lola is definitely the most popular girl at karma tonight.
I'm a little jealous.
I'm about to bring her home for myself.
- Nicole's dancing.
She's, like, rabbit-humping people.
And on top of it, everyone's putting the bunny suit on And having a blast with it.
It's just not a normal night at karma.
It's a Lola night at karma.
- [screams.]
- Show your abs! - What? - Show your abs again.
[bleep.]
hot.
Can I touch them? Whoo! - I'm a dtf girl.
- What's your name? - Stephanie.
- Nice to meet you.
- I'm all down for it.
- All right, sounds cool to me.
- [laughs.]
- I actually am like the hunter and gatherer of the house When it comes to ladies.
This is pauly, and this is vinny.
I hunt them, and I gather them, And I hand them out to the boys in the crib.
Her and her girl are dtf, for sure.
- Oh, word.
- For sure, right here.
- So Mike finds this girl.
He's like, "listen, this girl is dtf.
She'll even tell you.
And here's both of her friends.
" I'm like, "okay.
I guess you got that out of the way.
" - All right, let's get a cab.
I got Lola for you.
- Let's go to the beach.
- Wait.
Hold on.
Me and Nicole are leaving karma, and we still have, like, A lot of energy in us, and we just-- We're not ready to go home yet.
- Come on, girls.
- [giggles.]
- What's up? - Mvp is in full effect.
Tonight we're bringing back three girls.
- Life's like a box of chocolates.
Both: You never know what you're gonna get.
- This is the place right here.
We are here.
- Come on, I want to go in the [bleep.]
ocean Like I used to.
This is awesome.
- What's with this [bleep.]
gate? Should we hop it? - That's what I used to do.
- [grunts.]
yeah, right.
All right.
[laughs.]
- I kind of want to, you know, like, Break a law or two tonight, so hopping the fence is one.
Let me just touch the ocean.
Let me just touch the ocean.
Being on the beach when you're not supposed to Is another, so I feel like a legit criminal.
And it's kind of, like, thrilling.
Get real! - Huh, huh, huh.
So we're running down the beach, Frickin' wind in our face, hair blowing, Boobs bouncing up and down.
So the only difference between the meatballs And Baywatch right now is the red bathing suits And David Hasselhoff.
[chuckles.]
So me and my meatball are in the ocean.
I see flashlights coming at us, And I'm like, "oh, my God.
" It's the frickin' cops.
- I do not want to get arrested for this.
- Nicole, time's up.
- That's a minibike.
To Nicole, that's, like, a normal-size motorcycle.
- [screams.]
oh, my God.
- Use the brake! - [screams.]
- Get real! - Huh, huh, huh, huh.
- Time's up.
- [laughs.]
- Come on.
- Ew, ew.
Me and my meatball are in the ocean.
I see these lights coming at us.
- You're not really supposed to be on the beach right now.
- The cops tell us we have to be removed from the beach Or we're getting arrested.
- What did we do? - You're on the beach after dark--come on.
- Could u hold my hand? - I'm not going to hold your hand.
- So I think this frickin' cop's cute, And I'm like, "you know what? I always love a man in uniform.
" I bet in real life, you're, like, a really good time.
You'd probably be doing the same stuff we do.
- Deena, shut up.
- Might as well just try and bring home a cop.
Where are you from? - From around here.
- Maybe he can use s handcuffs later.
- Bye.
Love you.
- That definitely was some hot sex.
You know, me and my girl were done with our-- Our-- our situation.
And I actually helped the other boys Get their girls out of the house very nice and smooth.
The taxi will be here in five minutes.
- Mike comes in the room.
And he's like, "listen, the cabs are here, If you want your girl to leave with my girl.
" So the cabs are here.
See you.
- Have a nice ride.
Bye, sweetie.
The night ended, and everybody's happy.
Girls out the crib, boys get to sleep alone And have a nice sleep.
- Let's go to bed.
- Lights off.
- Holy, butt sack, I'm tired.
Go make me an orange juice and vodka.
No, I'm not kidding.
- Sleeping in? You're gonna throw up? All right.
- [burping.]
[sighs.]
Oh, my God, I almost threw up.
- I feel like walking dirt.
- Dude, I have [bleep.]
sand in my [bleep.]
.
This morning I feel like freakin' ass.
Like, I'm still drunk, but it's, you know, The drunk where you want to throw up, And you feel disgusting.
I'd rather just drink it off.
- What can we do today? - Let's go to the bar.
- I'm still drunk.
- Let's drink more! Ronnie looks like [bleep.]
right now, And I'm like, "bro, like, you're hungover.
We need to go to the bar and fix that.
" So you want to go to the bar? Sam, let's go.
- I can't.
- I'm going to get my nail fixed.
- Ron, you're the savior right now.
I don't want to go to the [bleep.]
nail salon.
I want to go to the bar.
- Let's go.
- Let's go! Do you have a cigarette? - I don't have any.
- Do any of you guys have a lighter? - They're, like, 12.
- Oh.
[both laugh.]
- Ugh.
- Snooki! - Oh, don't throw up, please.
Oh, here we are.
To Lola.
Yum.
All right, you drink.
You get hung--un-hungover.
And I'll be back in two seconds.
- Where you going? You're leaving me.
- I just need to go get something real quick.
So Ronnie saw this bike, like, a couple days on the boardwalk, And he was like, "oh, my God.
I really want it.
" I'm looking for a frickin' motorcycle.
So I love Ron to death.
He's like my big brother.
I mean, dude, I'm gonna buy Ron the frickin' minibike.
Oh! Yo, I'm buying this off you.
You know, I just like Ron to be happy.
- [laughs.]
I look over.
I'm just seeing snooki's head floating.
I'm like, "what is this girl doing?" - [laughs.]
here's your motorcycle.
- [laughs.]
how are you? - It needs gas.
- You got me the bike? - Yeah.
- Oh, [bleep.]
.
I'm blown away, because I never thought That snooki was actually that nice.
Thank you, snook.
- Of course, Ron.
Can I ride it and you push me? So the bike does have gas in it, but we can't ride it, Because if we do ride it on the boardwalk, We've had a couple drinks, And we'll probably get a dui and go to jail.
[pop music.]
So Ron is just pushing me the whole way Down the boardwalk with the bike, And you know what? I feel cool.
See, I'm on the line.
You're gonna [bleep.]
pull me over.
[both laughing.]
- Oh, yeah.
- You're pulling in front of me.
Don't do that.
- Oh, sorry.
Sorry, gramps.
- Let's go.
Let's go.
- Cool.
Excuse me, gramps.
- To average people, that's a minibike.
To Nicole, that's, like, a normal-size motorcycle for her.
It's [bleep.]
amazing.
You got it? Holy [bleep.]
.
- [screams.]
And then I look back, and Ron's not holding me anymore.
And I'm legit, like, going - Brakes! Start to brake! - And I'm like, "cool, I'm gonna die.
" I can't stop.
[giggles.]
- She's so creepy.
- Which one? - Pauly's stalker.
I'm fed up.
I want to approach her, and I want to ask What the hell her deal is.
Vanessa, come here.
- Come on.
- I'm walking on the boardwalk with Nicole, And I'm not gonna lie.
- Can we cuddle tonight? - Yep.
This is kind of questionable, what I'm doing.
- Cool.
For summer, we blow something up.
- I remember when we almost blew up the grill The first summer we were here.
- Take care of it before we blow the [bleep.]
up.
- I thought we were dead in Italy.
- Fire! Fire! Fire! Fire! - Ron, be careful.
- The whole gas thing freaks me out.
[all yelling.]
- We got problems with fire.
- Yeah, we're not good.
- Excuse me.
Hello [all yelling.]
- You said "excuse me.
Hello!" - Fire, that's what you say.
[bleep.]
fire! - Time to go to work.
- Mike, time to go to work.
Mike, time to go to work.
- You know what time we go to work.
- Shore store employee.
- I work there.
I'm a new employee.
- You work there? - Yeah.
- Oh, that's a good thing.
[chuckles.]
- Oy vey.
- Hi.
How can I help you? This is what it says on my Booty shorts.
- Oh, that's cute.
- Who's next? - Yes, the fish on top of the white rice, yes.
And then I want a, uh, chicken Caesar wrap.
- Who's next? So I got the night shift tonight.
It's me, situation, and jenni.
- I want two pieces of salmon.
- So I expect to be doing most of the working.
- I just got mad food.
- Two times.
One, two.
[creepy music.]
- Oh, my God, she's so [bleep.]
creepy.
- Which one? - Pauly's stalker.
I just see her eye-beaming us.
You see her? - [chuckles.]
- Oh, my God.
Just look at her just, like, staring straight ahead Behind someone-- you see her? Pauly, your girl is creeping me out right now.
- Me too.
So I'm stuck at the t-shirt shop slaving away.
And I look up, and my stalker's there--Vanessa.
This girl is going to kill me.
She's gonna kidnap me, Put me in her basement, have me dj for her, And I'm gonna be m.
I.
A.
You guys are gonna be looking for me.
- Pauly's stalker officially scares me.
- She's got that bag all the time.
- Oh, yeah, I'm about to-- I'm probably gonna ask today.
- You gotta.
- Today's my day.
At this point, I am just so fed up With seeing this girl creeping me out.
I want to approach her, And I want to ask what the hell her deal is.
Vanessa, come here.
We all gotta know What's the deal? - Yo, why do you gotta mess with my stalker right now? - What's in the bag? - Nothing.
- Nothing in the bag? - Blanket.
- Just a blanket? - Yeah.
- Vanessa's trying to say that there's a blanket In the bag, but she doesn't pull it out for me.
I think the blanket is wrapped around something heavy.
It's either pauly's hair or a chain saw.
- I know what's in the bag now-- a blanket.
Maybe that's the blanket she was gonna kill me in.
Yo, it's not dj pauly d anymore.
It's gonna be dj pauly dead.
- Am I making you awkward right now? Little bit, huh? - Have I been making it awkward? - Yo, honestly, you'll be like this.
Got a boyfriend? - Yeah.
- Who? Pauly? - [laughs.]
- All right.
You enjoy your day.
Go back to watching.
Okay.
[chuckles.]
[line trilling.]
- Hello? [snooki squeals.]
- Hi.
- Hi, I miss you! Meh! [imitates farting.]
- are you bombed right now? - I'm drunky pants.
[giggles.]
- Oh, boy.
- I'm so horny right now.
Like, I just need to talk to jionni And just let him know, "listen, like, "I really want to [bleep.]
your [bleep.]
right now, And I want to, like, touch your butt.
" I'm frickin' horny, and that's all I have to say.
Lola wants to bang you.
- If Nicole is breathing and Nicole is conscious, She's probably talking about sex.
- I can't wait to see you and [bleep.]
your [bleep.]
.
- Oh, my God.
What the [bleep.]
? - [laughs.]
- You are disgusting.
What's wrong with you? - Don't worry.
Nobody's here.
Relax.
- Oh, boy.
- [screams.]
ew! Oh, my God, I just got blue balls on my face.
Ew.
- Blue balls? - No, but they're not real balls.
They're fake balls.
I'm horny bones.
- Okay, I'm done talking to you.
- You're hanging up on me 'cause I'm telling you that I want you.
All right, I'll see you later.
- Well, I'm trying to have a conversation.
Every time I talk-- - Well, I'm sorry that I'm sexually attracted to you.
What the [bleep.]
do you want from me? Okay, nice talking to you.
- Yeah, it was really nice talking to you too.
- Okay.
- Bye.
- I do care about Nicole, And I do think that she ould end up with a good guy.
Any guy that fights with Nicole Or tries to change Nicole every day Isn't the right guy for her-- just saying.
- Want to go to the boardwalk? - Yeah, want to play a game? - Oh, my God, I've been wearing this outfit all day.
I feel like I should change.
Want to go to ej's and dance? - Dance? - Yeah.
[british accent.]
dance.
[upbeat hip hop.]
Me and vinny have a special, like, different relationship Than anybody else in the house because of hooking up.
So me and vinny will always have, Like, you know, that special bond.
- Do you want to dance? [swing music.]
- I'm on the boardwalk with Nicole wasted right now, And this is kind of questionable, what I'm doing.
- Pretend we're 90.
I mean, even though I have a boyfriend, I'm in love, I don't know what's gonna happen.
It's like, me and vinny, you know? It's like, "aw, I miss you.
" Like, come on.
[chuckles.]
- [imitating elderly man.]
oh, snooki, I love you.
- [imitating elderly woman.]
I remember you on Jersey shore.
Oh, my hip, my hip.
- Are we done? - Jerk.
Yeah.
- What do you want to do? Get an ice cream? - Ice cream? What are we, four? Honestly, like, I just feel like a party ball right now, And I just want to go from place to place.
- Whoo! [bleep.]
hot in there.
- So me and vinny go on the boardwalk.
Like, "vinny, like, let's go get a beer.
Let's go get shots.
" [pop music.]
Let's go to aztec.
- No.
- Let's go to aztec.
Come on.
- For what? There's no music.
- There's music.
Yeah, there is.
- There's no music.
- Yes, there is.
Let's go.
Like, if jionni wasn't in this equation, I'd hook up with vinny Obviously.
[burps.]
- I'm not doing a shot.
- Yeah, you are.
- No, I'm not.
- I'm not leaving without you taking it.
- You know what? You know what? - Just take it.
- What? - Just take it.
- Ah, she's wasted.
I don't want to take it.
- No, I'm not.
Vinny, stop! Vinny! What are you, a [bleep.]
weirdo? Where are you going? - Chill.
Take a second.
- You're taking that shot with me.
- No, I'm not.
- Yes, you are.
- No, I'm not.
I don't want you to take one either.
- What are you, [bleep.]
grandpa? - I don't want one.
- Come on.
- If you don't want-- If you care so much, why do you hang out with me? Why are you hanging out with me? - 'cause I want you to get drunk.
It's fun.
- I mean, I know that, but, um, I can't drink right now.
- All right, so let's go home, then.
- Let's go.
- Let's go.
- Ready? - Yeah.
We're leaving shots behind.
You can't do that, vin.
Vin, you can't leave shots behind.
You can't leave boys behind.
- [laughs.]
Me and snooki are kind of like the Ross and Rachel Of our Jersey shore house.
No one knows what's going on between us, Yet sometimes we end up in each other's beds and stuff.
I'm not gonna lie-- I got my finger on the trigger, you know what I'm saying? Like, tonight who knows what's gonna happen when we get home? [pop music.]
- [laughs.]
you can't leave shots behind.
Can we cuddle tonight? - Yep.
- Promise? - Mm-hmm.
- Cool.
- I'm guessing you gotta shower? - Yeah, I g-- - Just a wild guess.
- [laughs.]
I gotta shower.
- I gotta shower too.
- Should we go together?